Chapter 36:
Loki knows he should not be here. Knows it even as he struggles to hold himself together, hold the illusion over himself, fighting to keep himself still and calm.
It's a losing battle, and he knows it. He feels on the verge of suffocation, his eyes burning with held back tears as he stands there, waiting, looking warily and nervous around him for any who might take notice of his presence.
He knocks again upon Olif's door, impatient and frightened, begging silently for the servant to open up and let him in.
Oh, he needs desperately for Olif to let him in. Needs so much to see the other man.
Lifting his hand to knock a third time, feeling his hold on his illusion beginning now to slip, finally, blessedly, he hears the turning of the lock, and a moment later, the door is being pulled open, and he sees Olif standing there, a look of both concern and confusion heavy along his brow.
Loki doesn't think he has ever felt more overwhelming relief.
"Yes?" Olif starts, clearly not recognizing Loki for the glamor he holds over himself. "Can I...?"
Loki doesn't give him the chance to say anything further, practically launching himself at the older man and throwing his arms round him, losing control of himself entirely. A desperate sob breaks past his lips, and Olif stumbles back.
He begins to protest, shocked and befuddled. Only Loki's glamor falls away completely then as his arms fold tighter and he presses his face to Olif's shoulder, weeping brokenly.
"L-Loki!" The servant exclaims. "Loki, what..."
Whatever question Olif had been about to ask, he seems to think better of it, instead wrapping his own arm round the young Prince, holding him closely.
"Here, here, shh, shhh..." he says softly, moving carefully and reaching out with his free hand, pushing the door back closed, making sure to lock it behind.
Loki doesn't loosen his grip on Olif, unable to curb the flow of tears which seem constantly to fill his eyes, nor stop the half-choked sobs which keep lodging in his throat and breaking past his teeth.
He knows he's making a fool of himself. Knows he's showing himself to be a disgrace. But he can't help it. He can't stop. He feels as if he may explode with the agony.
"Loki," Olif says quietly to him, squeezing his shoulders. "come. Come over here."
Loki lets Olif lead him, not arguing as the man guides him to sit along a daybed, still clinging desperately to him as Olif sits down beside him.
"Loki, tell me what's happened. Your face is all bruised up." The servant presses, leaning in and kissing the Prince's temple. "What's happened?"
Loki doesn't know if he can. Doesn't know if he can without making himself look like an even greater fool.
Oh, he thinks despairingly, he should be past this. Should not be... should not be so easily affected by the words and actions of others. Should by now feel nothing over the insults of Thor's friends, nor over Thor's inability or unwillingness to defend him against them.
But he is, because he is weak. A sniveling, pitiful, ergi nothing, just as they all say. What use is he? What use has Father or Mother for him, when they have Thor, who is so perfect in all things, so brave and powerful and gifted? What use has anyone for him, he wonders dismally?
Olif is kind. A sweet, kind mind. And though Loki knows he would never, intentionally be cruel to him, the Prince also cannot help worrying that the servant is good to him for the sake of kindness only. That he pities Loki, and that is the reason for his gentility and understanding.
Still, those doubts had mattered little when he'd come here, simply needing some manner of comfort. Whether it be false or forced, Loki needed... he needed someone.
He might have gone to Mother, but she was away on a trip to her homeland of Vanaheim, and would be gone for the next month at least. And Father was out of the question...
As the minutes pass, and Olif continues to hold and shush him, as Loki begins, at last, to calm, he starts then to feel even more foolish, humiliation a familiar surge up from the pit of his stomach, heating his wet face.
"I'm sorry." He mumbles against the older man's shoulder. "Forgive me, I'm sorry."
"Loki," Olif says softly, and the Prince feels his lips press once more against his temple. "you needn't apologize. You're hurting. It's alright."
Loki shakes his head, finally lifting his face and turning away, scrubbing at his eyes with the heel of his palm.
"I sh-shouldn't have come here. I know. I... I'm sorry. I know we agreed. I-I... I've no right to place you in danger with my c-coming."
"Forget all that." Olif says, taking Loki's hand, rubbing it between his own. "You needed someone. Please. Tell me what's going on."
Loki can't look at him. It's pathetic, really, he thinks.
He and Olif have been sleeping together for nearly two seasons now, and the older man has seen him countless times in such similar states. Oh, what the servant must think of him! A Prince of Asgard, a supposed warrior of the most powerful Realm in the universe, and here he is, unable to keep himself from weeping like a small child because his brother's friends called him unkind names and shoved him around a little.
Again, Loki wipes at his face, shaking his head.
"It's nothing. It..."
He trails off, embarrassed.
He feels Olif wrap an arm around him, squeezing him against his chest.
Loki wants nothing more than to bury his face to his lovers neck and never come out again.
"It... it was my brother's friends again, th-that's all." Loki finally admits, his voice hardly more than a whisper. "I shouldn't care so much."
He hears the older man breathe out heavily, and daring to look up at him, Loki sees Olif wearing an expression halfway between anger and frustration.
"I'm sorry." Loki again apologizes, certain the anger is at him for his stupidity.
"Loki, please," Olif says then. "stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong. What did those fools do to you this time?"
Loki shrugs weakly, again glancing aside.
"... Beat me up." He half-laughs, or rather attempts to. A moment after, he can feel his face crumple, the laugh slipping into a strangled sob, and once more he wipes uselessly at his again tear filled eyes.
"Bastards." Olif mutters.
"I sh-should say it..." Loki starts, then stops, sucking in a deep breath. "it was m-more like sparring. We... we weren't in the training rings, but... but Thor and the others were all having a go at each other. I just happened to be..." again he trails off, staring blankly ahead, mind racing horribly with the still fresh memories.
"What?" Olif pushes, sounding disgusted. "Loki, what?"
"... I wasn't interested in it. In... in their game. They... I... I told them no. I told them no Olif." Loki looks to his lover then. "But they wo-wouldn't allow me leave. They pulled me into and... it was only Fandral and Hogun. Volstagg didn't hit me, but..."
"Oh, Loki," Olif says, shaking his head. And suddenly his own eyes are bright with tears. He pulls the Prince against him in a hug, pressing his lips to Loki's crown. "I'm sorry. Oh, Loki, I'm sorry."
Loki supposes he ought to feel the same sort of humiliation now as he felt then, clinging so desperately to Olif, like a sorry, lost boy, too weak and pathetic to control his own emotions. But, at just that moment, Loki can't bring himself to feel anything but grateful to have his friend and former lover there, with him. He can't even work up the strength to stop his own tears, soaking the servant's tunic beneath where he has his face pressed, relief filling him at the feel of Olif's strong arms wrapped round his back.
"It brings me such joy to see you again, my Prince." Olif says, his voice thick with his own tears.
Loki shakes his head, keeping his face hidden.
"Loki, y-you know to call me Loki Olif." He says, holding tighter.
Olif laughs lightly.
"Loki, then. It brings me such joy to see you again Loki."
"And I you." Loki tells him.
Finally, after a time, the two men part, Loki reaching out to take Olif's face between his hands. He smiles at the older man, the expression tight as he fights for it, eyes still wet with tears.
"And here I be, still crying upon you my dear Olif." He says after a long moment. "How you must tire of my womanly emotions."
Olif smiles in return, the expression sad, shaking his head. He brings his own hand up, cupping Loki's cheek.
"I never could grow tired of you in any regard Loki. You... you remain the love of my life."
Loki's own smile falters as, suddenly, painfully, regret surges up, choking him with its weight, and he looks away, his hands falling to his lap.
"I love you too, my good friend." He says quietly, closing his eyes. "How I ever have."
"Loki..."
"How did you find your way to me here?" Loki asks suddenly, glancing to the servant.
"Your brother." Olif answers. "Prince Thor let me through. He... he has changed, I think."
Loki nods, again looking away.
"But he always was a good man. The... the best of men. He only sometimes..."
"Loki," And he feels Olif take his hand, holding int between his own, as it once did, all those centuries ago. "how are you?"
Loki laughs quietly, unable to keep the bitter tone completely from it.
"I have known better days." He answers, curling his fingers round Olif's hand. "And... and you?" He looks to the servant. "I have not seen you for so many years, my friend. You... you look well. Have you... have you found somebody?"
Olif smiles, a genuine smile, and Loki already knows he has.
He feels than a swell of emotion. Some strange mixture of happiness for his friend, and the pain of loss.
"I have." Olif tells him. "He is a good man. He... in some ways, he reminds me of you."
"Oh, I hope not too much." Loki jokes, feeling his face heat.
Olif shakes his head.
"It could only serve him well to be as alike to you as possible." He says, and his tone is so serious.
Loki doesn't understand it. Doesn't understand what Olif ever saw in him. Why he says such things now, as if Loki were ever anybody worth admiring.
"You are kind as always, Olif." Loki tells him, and Olif squeezes his hand, almost painfully tight.
"I mean it, Loki. I mean every word. Do not... do not let the jealousies and stupidities of others blind you to yourself. You are such an extraordinary person. And yet you've always allowed others to convince you otherwise."
"Do you know what it is I have done, Olif?" Loki asks, turning away, no longer able to look his friend in the eye.
"I know." Olif answers, swift and without hesitation. "And I know it wasn't you. Whatever those actions Loki, they weren't the actions of the man I've always known."
"But I am responsible Olif. It was my choice, my choosing, to attack Midgard, to... to slaughter defenseless mortals. To..." Loki can feel himself beginning to shake, an awful nausea working up from his gut, into his throat. "to speak the words which... which lead the Kursed to... to my M-Mother. Those were my choices Olif. I am... I am every bit the wretch an... and monster I've always been accused of being. Do you not see?"
"No," Olif shakes his head. "no. Loki, you are not. You are not. You may not reveal such to me, but I know well enough in my heart that, if those actions were your choice, than equally so they were not. I know you in some way were driven to them. In some manner. Loki, you are a good man. You called your brother the best of men, well I turn say the same of you. I have never known another so kind as you, so gentle. Your... your capacity to feel, Loki, the depth of your empathy... you may have kept it hidden for fear of others using it against you. But you allowed me to see it. And I know, well as I ever shall know anything, that to blame yourself alone for those things is wrong as the things themselves. Oh, Loki, why have you never been able to see your own worth?!"
Loki shakes his head, pressing a hand to his eyes, feeling the traitorous burn of tears at the backs once again.
He wishes Olif would not speak so kindly to him, sometimes. He wishes Olif did not truly believe the things he says. He does not wish to deceive his friend. Does not wish the man to become entangled with a creature so foul and monstrous as he. Olif is... he is too good for that. Does not deserve to be ruined by such an association.
It was why Loki had, over time, gradually drifted from his friend, and let die the romance between them. He did not want to corrupt Olif. Gods, he did not want to.
"You are kind," Loki repeats once more, keeping his eyes hidden. "you give to me such undeserved faith."
"Loki, please," The servant entreats. "please, do not continue to do this to yourself."
"I think I am tired now, my friend." Loki tells him, ignoring his pleas. "If... if you might find the chance to come back again later. I wish very much to see more of you. To talk."
There is a long moment of silence, and Loki hopes desperately that he hasn't angered his former lover. He doesn't want Olif to hate him too.
But finally the other man speaks, and there is only sadness in his voice, no anger.
"I shall come every day, if you would have me Loki." He says.
Loki, at last, forces himself to look back to the older man, smiling weakly.
"I would like that." He says. "Very much Olif. I would like that."
Olif nods.
"Then it shall be done." He promises.
And then, suddenly, he is leaning forward, throwing his arms around Loki again and squeezing him hard against his chest.
"I love you Loki." He says brokenly, voice thick with tears.
Loki's hands reach up, burying in the material his friend's tunic, his head bowing, resting against Olif's chest.
"I love you Olif." He stammers. "I wish only... only I could be so deserving of yours. My friend, oh my friend... Please, do no endanger yourself. I should not ask you to return."
"I will. Loki, I will. No matter what you say..."
Loki nods, his face still turned down.
"I know." He says. "If only it were I could show you the monster I am. You would not come back to me. Oh, Olif, you would turn from me in horror, and never would you come back."
And no more can Loki speak then, as his voice breaks openly into sobs, and he cannot stop crying.
Forever it seems, he cannot stop crying, and cannot stop wishing his friend would flee away, even as he clings desperately to Olif as the older man holds him tight, selfishly longing to be comforted by him always, just like this.
/
AN: Hey everyone! Long time no update, huh? I'm so sorry about that! I've just got so many damn stories that I'm working on. But anyway, I never have abandoned this story, and hopefully I'll be able to start updating it on a more regular basis again. For anyone that still cares about it, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and if so, let me know your thoughts! As always, a huge thank you to everyone who's read and supported this thing since the start!