Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
Chapter 35- Sins of My Youth
All these mainstream made emotions
Made me the boy that they wanted me to be
But when I took down my defenses
For the first time there was something in me
Yeah something in me
Hot like a smoking gun
Back when I was young
I break habits just to fall in love
But I do it on designer drugs
You can call me dangerous
But these are the sins
The sins of my youth
Would you love me still?
Would you love me still?
Would you love me still?
Sins of My Youth- Neon Trees
A/N: Very disturbing material ahead. You have been warned.
Edward POV
Bella watched me with a blank expression, and I knew she was trying to be brave. I'd said it before; she could put on whatever mask she liked, but her eyes would never be able to lie.
She was terrified.
I reckoned she wasn't afraid of me, just of the mystery that was my past life. At least, I hoped that's what she was afraid of.
As for me, I was scared shitless about what her reaction might be. Would she run out of the room, screaming? Would she call me a criminal and then ring the police? Would she faint? Have a heart attack, maybe?
I tried to be rational. Bella wasn't like that. She'd probably understand that I had done things I wasn't proud of, and that I was no longer that person.
"Do you want to change first?" I asked, suddenly feeling awkward. "We're both still a bit... damp."
She shook her head slowly and walked over to the bed, where she gingerly sat at the edge. She looked exhausted and that, in return, made me feel as knackered as she appeared.
I took a deep breath and slowly trudged over to the bed, using the toes of my shoes to pull them off my feet. I sat down across from Bella and she crossed her legs Indian-style. I wanted to smooth out the wrinkle in between her brows but I knew it would stay there until I revealed everything.
Either that or it would become a permanent part of her face for the rest of her life.
I sighed. "I don't even know where to start. I mean, I know you want to know why Peter called me... that... but everything is sort of linked together in some fucked up web." I nervously gestured with my hands.
Bella's expression went from worried to patient. "Edward, you can tell me anything. You know that."
I nodded. "I know. I'm just worried about how you'll react."
She bit her lip, contemplating something. "I trust you," she finally said. "Just start from the beginning, whatever the beginning is."
I took another deep, shaky breath and wracked my brain for the memories I had buried so long ago.
"I suppose I should start with Peter and joining his . . . gang . . . ." I began, glancing up at her warily.
She nodded in encouragement.
I sighed again and closed my eyes, leaning back against the headboard.
"You already know that Peter and I had been friends since childhood. I don't even remember how old we were when we first met, probably younger than five. Our mums were best friends, and we only lived down the road from one another. I just remember playing with him all the time. We were inseparable.
"I think we were about eight or nine when we really became close, like brothers. Like me, he never really had much of a father figure. His real dad passed away when he was one and from then on his mum had to work in order to get food on the table. She worked two jobs and usually she'd leave him with a babysitter she could barely afford. He didn't have any family because his parents' marriage hadn't been a favourite in either of their families. His dad was Jewish but his mum was Catholic so both had pretty much been disowned by their relatives.
"So when we were eight or nine, both of us became more aware of what was going on in our homes. We started to become affected by it, since our minds weren't childishly oblivious anymore. My dad's drinking had gotten worse, Rose was always aloof since she had hit her teenage years, and Mum was a mess. Peter was all I had left, and he had his own issues to deal with.
"See, his mum got re-married. She married someone from the church, a minister or reverend or something, and he was the biggest wanker imaginable. Well, apart from my own dad. He was controlling, obsessive, and possessive, always talking about how Peter was headed down the 'devil's path' or whatever. He made Peter's mum quit her two jobs, yet he took over their home like it was his.
"Peter loathed him. We had both grown up with a good deal of freedom, but this man was taking it away from him. Peter's step-dad wanted things done his way. He wanted them to eat a certain way, talk a certain way, and be a certain way. For a nine year old that knew nothing but freedom and fun, it was a little hard to take. I only got to see him at school, and he always looked so fucking miserable.
"There came a point where Peter just snapped. He didn't want the life his step-dad was enforcing on him, and he had had enough. He got the idea of revenge from somewhere, and that was when we committed our first crime, at the age of nine..."
I stopped here and opened my eyes to take in Bella's expression. She looked like she was in the middle of an extremely interesting movie, and I smiled.
"Well?" she prodded. "Your first crime?"
I chuckled and closed my eyes again. "Right. One day at school, Peter walked into class with a scowl..."
I could picture it like it was yesterday, one of my more vivid childhood memories.
Peter sat down in the seat beside me, glowering at nothing in particular.
"What happened now?" I'd asked.
"What do you think?" he'd snapped. "It's her husband again. He's making me go to camp this summer."
I had felt sad, thinking about a summer without him. However, I tried to make him feel better.
"That doesn't sound so bad," I had said in my best cheer-up voice. "It might be fun."
Peter had looked at me like I was insane. "It's achurchcamp, Edward. There will be nuns, I think... and praying."
"Oh."
We sat there in silence, not really listening to the teacher.
"I have an idea," he had whispered, and I noticed the gleam in his eyes. Even at the age of nine, he had already developed that signature smirk.
"What?"
"We should get revenge on him."
I had grinned, excited for an excuse to not go home after school.
"What do you want to do?" I asked.
Peter thought about it for a moment, and in seconds the smirk was back. He ripped out a piece of paper from his notebook and started drawing furiously. This was how we communicated our plans during class; he'd draw a rough sketch of something he wanted to do, and I'd improve the sketch and make his idea clearer, sometimes even adding to it. We had a whole collection of our drawings in a box under my bed.
When Peter handed me the paper behind the teacher's back, I quickly took in his drawing. He had drawn some kind of wonky square with a stick figure in it, and then zigzag lines sticking out of the square. Arrows had labeled what the shapes were; he knew he was a crap artist.
The arrow pointing to the square said "bed", the arrow pointing to the stick figure said "stepdick" and the arrow pointing to the zigzags said "fire."
I grinned up at him and then got to work on making the sketch better. At that age, my talent was like that of an amateur cartoon artist. I made the bed three-dimensional and gave the flames some shape. Once I was done, we put our heads together and observed the drawing. Our plan was complete.
I opened my eyes and Bella's mouth was hanging open.
If she's shocked by that, what'll she look like when we get to the murder?
"You... burned his stepfather?" she asked in disbelief.
"Not really," I answered. "Well, I'll admit that was the intention but it didn't quite go as planned."
When we arrived at Peter's house, his mum wasn't there. This was a rarity, seeing as she was always cooped up in the house, not allowed to go anywhere except church and the grocery store. Peter knew his mum did the shopping that day, so he was well aware that his stepdad would be home alone.
Peter found the matches in the kitchen and we snuck up the stairs to his parents' bedroom, where his dad was napping. According to Peter, his dad always napped when his mum was out because apparently nagging her was exhausting.
We crouched down against the bed so that we would be out of sight, and Peter struck a match.
"He always tells me I'm going to burn in hell," he whispered, his childlike face glowing menacingly in the flame of the match. "We'll see whose burning now."
He handed me the box of matches and I lit a match as well. Peter pulled his arm back to throw the match onto the bed, but I stopped him.
"Wait," I said. "Shouldn't we make it look like... it wasn't us?"
I was always the one that usually helped us get away with things. Peter just made the plans.
I looked around the room and my eyes fell on some candles. Peter followed my gaze and grinned.
We lit the candles and then used them to burn the edge of the sheets. My heart was beating erratically, half expecting his mum to walk in. The bed didn't catch fire that quickly, so we threw the lit candles onto the bed and then made a run for it.
We were halfway down the stairs when we heard him start to scream, and by the time we left the house, matches in hand, we were laughing hysterically.
"Fat old bastard," Peter had said.
We made the excuse that we had been at my house the whole time. Well, in my backyard actually. There was a way to get to the back of my house from the front, so my mum wouldn't have known whether or not we had been there the whole time. We buried the matches, including the one we had used to light the candles, and then pretended like we had been running around back there right after school.
"So you got away with it?" Bella asked.
I nodded, and then continued with my biography of sorts.
"I developed a thing for fire after that," I grimly confessed. "It was strange. Even though the initial idea of trying to burn his dad was Peter's, he didn't have the same fascination with fire like I did. There was just something about the heat and the flame and the light... I loved it.
"So by the time I was twelve, I was an expert on fire. I could burn any and everything without getting hurt, and I was breathing in smoke almost as much as I was breathing in oxygen. That's why the first time I smoked a cigarette at thirteen, I didn't even wince."
"You smoked your first cigarette at thirteen?" Bella said incredulously.
"I took my first sip of alcohol at ten . . ."
She stared at me like I had three heads and I coughed to bring her out of her stunned state.
"Um . . . should I continue?" I asked.
She nodded.
"The whole trying-to-burn-the-stepdick thing had been the first time me and Peter experienced a true adrenaline rush," I said. "We became addicted to that adrenaline, and we always looked for new ways to get that blood pumping faster than normal. I'd jump off of roofs, piss random people off until they chased us, mess around with wild dogs and other animals we came across, run through the middle of busy streets... and that was all before we were teenagers.
"We were about thirteen when things started getting a little more... serious. Before that it had just been the two of us, but soon our group got bigger. We became friends with Joey and Alex and just like that I started to grow jealous. I wasn't used to there being others that we did crazy shit with. Of course, I was still Peter's favourite. When Tanya and I started dating, our group of five became the best of friends.
"Adolescence brought along more freedom than before, and we started heading out to the city more often. Things only got better when my parents moved here, because that meant that instead of just visiting London all the time, I lived here.
"Slowly our little group started to grow in members. We met more people, made more friends, and before you knew it this odd type of exclusivity developed...
"When we were fifteen, Peter started testing people, seeing if they were good enough, adventurous enough to stay with us. He made them do things outside of their comfort zone and what started out as a bit of shoplifting and littering turned into breaking into houses and vandalizing public property.
"What was worse was that he put me in charge of making sure they went far enough. I'll be honest, at the time I was more than happy to do the job. I wanted nothing more than to make our group smaller, so I made these guys do shit they could've been sent to jail for."
I sighed and dropped my head, feeling guilty. "I was such a dick. I was a bully. I bullied these guys into doing horrible shit, and the poor blokes just wanted to fit in somewhere. I told them, I said, 'If you can't do this, you're not good enough. Do it or that's it. You're done and I never want to see your face again.' I mean... when I think back now, I can't believe the way I was with people. Being around Peter for so many years not only made me fearless, but it also made me into a huge asshole. And the only thing worse than an asshole is being a fearless asshole."
I paused there, reluctant to get into details. I knew I had to, but a part of me was hoping that she'd tell me to shut up now.
"Well?" she asked quietly, eyes attentive. "What did you make them do?"
I sighed. "Like I mentioned earlier, it started out with small things like shoplifting. Some of them were so fucking determined to do what I told them and it annoyed the fuck out of me because I didn't want them in our group. So I started to be a little harsher..." I hesitated briefly, choosing my words carefully. "I made them get a little more... violent..."
Just get it over with, I told myself. You promised her you'd tell her everything, so do it.
My voice became flat, emotionless. "I made them mug people, on the street. I'd go out in the middle of the night, meet them in an alley, and point out random people they should attack and rob. At first they were surprised that I'd go that far, but then they became determined. They actually did it. I pointed out a little old lady and they actually attacked her. I pointed out a woman with a stroller and they attacked her, too.
"And you know what the worst part was? That I didn't care. I honestly did not give a fuck that the old woman could have died with a blow to the head, and that the child could have been abandoned on the empty street had the mother blacked out for too long. All I cared about was making our group smaller to make Peter and I look bigger, more important. I didn't give a fuck about those women."
Bella looked disturbed, so I looked away from her face and stared at my hands. I had to continue; there was no stopping now.
"And when the mugging wasn't enough, I went even further. It wasn't enough because they were all willing to do it. They all stayed. So Peter told me to kick it up a notch..."
I stood in a dark alleyway with three other guys, Mitch, Andy, and Carl.
The night was quiet and cold, the wind whistling loudly in our ears. The three guys stood there, shivering, while I stood across from them, seemingly immune to the frigid temperature. At that moment, in their eyes, I was the strongest, the toughest, and the one that deserved the utmost respect. They were afraid of me, afraid of what I could do, but at the same time they admired me. You could see it in their eyes, the way they stared at me with reverence whenever I spoke.
"Who're we m-mugging?" Andy had asked, stuttering with the cold.
I cocked an eyebrow, cruelly. "Mugging? Who said anything about mugging?"
The boys exchanged confused looks and I gave them my asshole smirk, a harsher version of the crooked smile girls liked so fucking much.
"G-Greg said we h-have to mug s-someone to stay in," Carl stated.
I laughed condescendingly. "Greg is an idiot. No one is mugging anyone tonight. Greg and the others got off easy, but Peter wants to step things up. So unless you're really pussy, you'll do what I ask."
They stared at me, more nervous than usual now.
Slowly, almost dramatically, I drew out the knife.
They stared at it, the blade glinting dangerously in the dim streetlights. I twisted the blade in the air for affect, hoping some of them would back out.
"Who wants to go first?" I asked, making my smile as sinister as possible. The goal was to freak them out, to push them until they broke.
They stared at each other, and then at the blade of the knife.
"What do we have to do?" Mitch asked slowly.
I stuck my head out of the alleyway and, in the distance, saw a thin man with glasses and a suitcase walking down the street across from us. He'd be directly across from us in approximately two minutes.
I held the knife out to Carl. He didn't take it.
"Take it," I ordered.
He complied, holding the knife gingerly. "What do I do? Cut myself?"
I rolled my eyes. "There's a man coming down the street now. Slice him."
All of their eyes widened in disbelief.
"But-but," Carl stuttered.
"But what?" I snapped. "If you don't have the balls to do it, you can piss off."
He swallowed and then peeked out of the alleyway, watching the man who was closer now. He looked at me fearfully and I raised my brows in a way that clearly said, "Well? Are you pussy or what?"
Carlos shook his head. "I can't do it. I just... this is going too far."
I snatched the knife from his hands, almost cutting him in the process. Not that I would have cared if I actually did.
"Fuck off," I spat.
Just like that he was gone, leaving the alleyway like there was a fire under his ass.
I was surprised when Andy followed him, silently and without looking at me.
I stared at the remaining boy, Mitch, expecting him to follow the both of them. But he didn't. He stood there and stared back, just a hint of apprehension in his eyes.
I silently held the knife out to him, watching his face carefully.
He swallowed once and then took the knife from me, evenly meeting my gaze.
I smirked and nodded towards the entrance/exit of the alleyway.
"Don't let him see you," I advised him quietly. "Don't drop the knife."
Mitch nodded once and then kept his back against the wall as the man across the street passed by. When the man was a few feet away from our alley, Mitch pulled his skullcap lower down on his forehead and then silently jogged across the empty street.
He stalked the man for a few feet before he lunged forward and slashed him at the side of his face, practically chopping his ear off. Mitch turned and ran for it as the man fell, dropping his suitcase and crying for help as his blood pooled on the pavement.
It was a gruesome sight and I chuckled as I watched Mitch run away.
I stopped there, keeping my eyes on my hands. I couldn't look at her, not yet.
I figured it was best to just keep going.
"Of course we got away with it," I said quietly. "We always did. Well, most of the time. But the few that actually did do what I told them started bitching at Peter, telling him that I made them do shit I'd never do myself. Obviously, that was complete bullshit. So one day Peter said, 'Ed, take these boys out and show them that you've got more balls than all of them combined. They want you to prove it, so prove it.' He had given me that smirk of his and just like that it was done.
"So... I took some of them out and decided to let them tell me what to do for once. They went wild- telling me to graffiti public property, stab or mug people, rob stores at gunpoint... and I did it. I actually did it, just to prove myself to them. I was a criminal. We all were.
"The crazier the shit, the more aware the cops became of us. I got arrested about three times, but thankfully it was for petty things that I was allowed to get bailed out for. That was only thing my father was actually good for... bailing me out. By the time we were sixteen, most of us had some kind of criminal record. We laughed and joked around about how we'd get arrested for getting caught vandalizing, but not for breaking into a house or trying to burn one down. They said that they owed it to me, making sure we got away with doing the bigger things.
"That's how I got my nickname. Barms is short for barmy, which means crazy." I laughed bitterly. "I was a genius according to them, a crazy genius."
I took a shaky breath and stared at the wall across from me. I couldn't tell what Bella's expression was from my peripheral, but her mouth was most definitely still open.
"Rudy was one of the guys that wasn't allowed to stay with our group," I mumbled. "He refused to set fire to a random shop because it was right next door to his grandmother's floral shop and he didn't want to risk it or something like that. We kicked him out and he, in turn, recruited all of the guys we had cut off and created his own little group.
"Peter was pissed. He didn't care that Rudy was out, but he did care that he had taken our leftovers and started his own little gang. We didn't really have rivals before that, and now Rudy and his boys had given us a whole new reason to be worse than we already were.
"There were fights breaking out all the fucking time. It got tiring after a while, but it was all a matter of respect. The rule was that if you saw Rudy or one of his guys around somewhere, you'd fuck them up. It was all very twisted and cruel, but that was just how it had to be."
I sighed. "We weren't like other gangs, the 'real' ones that actually had some kind of territorial purpose or whatever. We were just a bunch of idiot teenagers that had a thing for adrenaline. All we cared about was getting stoned and doing crazy shit that would get us in trouble.
"Peter was the mastermind behind it all. Everything was his idea and we just went along with it. Like I said before, he'd come up with the idea to do something retarded, and then I'd figure out how we could get away with it. It was a good system.
"But there came a point where everything was getting a bit too out of control. It was like all those years were building up and building up to something big, something that would be the downfall of all of us. Well, the downfall of me mostly.
"I didn't know when I started getting into the drugs. It was definitely when things started getting weird with Tanya, but it was also before I found out about the cheating. We became friends with Bliss, whose real name was Chris, and he wasn't what you would expect out of a drug dealer. His family was extremely well-off, so it's not like he needed the money he got from selling stuff. He did it more like a hobby, which I thought was idiotic, considering his life was pretty good. It was too late for the rest of us. He always seemed happy, his family life seemed perfect, yet he sold and did drugs. I guess no one is ever truly happy with their lives...
"I started off with pot and when that wasn't enough to erase what was happening at home, I went on to other things. Soon I discovered ecstasy and it became the one thing that I wanted. The high from it was... unbelievable. Its name is quite appropriate, seeing as you'd feel so fucking fantastic, like everything in your life was just how it should be.
"You feel nothing but happiness and love and it's just... too amazing to be real.
"The funny thing is that I never really got addicted. The only thing I needed on a daily basis was a pack of fags. My lungs are probably the most damaged part of my entire body. Still, the drugs came with being around Peter. If he snorted something, we'd snort something too. If he rolled up a mysterious joint, we'd roll one up too.
"After a little while I even started selling the drugs myself, but then I got bored and quit.
"Then the problems with Rudy started getting worse. He also used Bliss as a drug source, and Peter didn't like that. Bliss honestly didn't care. As long as his customers kept their mouths shut, he was more than happy to give them what they wanted.
"But then Peter made Bliss choose- he'd have to stop being the drug source for Rudy or he'd rat him out. Bliss was left with no choice, and eventually he chose Peter. Well, he claimed to.
"One day I caught one of Rudy's boys, also one of our leftovers, leaving Bliss' place. I became suspicious that Bliss wasn't sticking to his word. When I confronted him about it, he was scared shitless that I knew. I threatened him, telling him to knock it the fuck off before we fucked him up and then used somebody else as a drug source. He agreed, swearing he wouldn't do it again, so I let him ago.
"I didn't trust him, I didn't trust anybody, so of course I had someone spy on him and make sure he did what I asked. I used someone new, someone Bliss wasn't familiar with, and made him pose as someone from Rudy's side.
"Sure enough, it wasn't long until Kevin, the bloke I made the spy, came round to tell me that Bliss was still selling shit to Rudy and his mates.
I called Peter...
He answered after two rings, "Ed. How goes it?"
"Motherfucker isstillselling shit to Rudy's guys," I said furiously.
Peter hesitated. "Fucking traitor."
"What do you want to do?"
Peter sighed. "This can't go on. He's practically fucking backstabbing us, the wanker. Does he actually fucking think we're stupid? Like we're actually going to put up with this shit?"
"Dunno. Do you reckon we should kick his sorry ass and then nick his shit?"
There was another pause, and I knew he was thinking about what to do in his twisted mind."Nah. We need to really hit home. Just taking his shit isn't enough. Besides, he'd probably just go get more. Do you think we should just rat him out now?"
"I dunno, mate. We're associated. It could be tricky..."
"Does his little sister still fancy you?" he suddenly asked. "The virgin?"
My brows furrowed. "Not sure."
"Pop her cherry. That'll get him good." I could hear the smirk in his voice.
I turned my head and stared at the hotel room door, so that Bella wasn't sitting in my peripheral anymore.
"I hate that I didn't even think twice about it," I said. "All I cared about was the revenge, maintaining our respect; teaching Bliss a lesson."
"What about Tanya?" I had asked Peter.
"Oh, she won't care," he said, and I would have expected to hear some uncertainty in his voice, but I didn't. He sounded extremely sincere and at that time I didn't have a reason to doubt him.
"You sure?"
"Oh yeah, talk to her about it. Fuck, get her involved if you want."
Later that day I rang Tanya and told her about Peter's plan of me taking Bliss' sister's virginity as revenge.
She had laughed. "That's genius!"
I was surprised, seeing as she had always struck me as the jealous type. "You're okay with it?"
"Of course," she had trilled. "That'll show the bastard. When Peter says something, he means it. Bloody fool."
"Huh. So I guess I'll do it, then."
"Oh, you know what would be even better? If we had a threesome!"
My eyes widened. "What?"
"Think about it, baby. What's worse than a virgin losing her virginity to a raging threesome? Fucking priceless, that's what it is!"
I had chuckled. "That would be something pretty fucked up to wake up to."
"Tell me about it. I can imagine it now- you pounding into her with me sitting on her face."
She had continued to laugh, and I couldn't help but join in. It all sounded pretty twisted, and that was what we lived for.
The next day we had it all planned.
I went to Bliss' house, pretending to be in search of some ecstasy. Tanya would be joining me later, sort of as a 'surprise'. I knew Bliss wasn't home at that time, and it wasn't very likely that his parents would be. The two of them were always out, and so that meant that Bliss' sister, Anna, would be home alone.
I ran my hand through my hair a few times, and then rang the doorbell. When no one answered after ten seconds I rang it again, more impatiently this time.
Sure enough, the door flew open and there stood Bliss' little sister.
She was young, only fourteen, and not particularly extraordinary. She was ginger, with straight red hair and light freckles covering much of her face. She was a shy, quiet girl that rarely ever spoke to anyone. She liked to keep to herself, though you could tell she was going through the struggle to fit in. The way she dressed and acted in public insinuated that she wanted to be like girls like Tanya.
I knew that wasn't how she really was. Whenever we visited Bliss she'd be cooped up in her room, with a book. But she was like most girls her age- looking up to the wrong people and wanting to be like them, all for the sake of being popular.
She also had a massive crush on me; that had been obvious from the start.
I gave her my crooked smile, knowing it would mesmerize her.
"Hey," I said, keeping my voice velvet soft and seductive.
She stared at me for a second, and then blinked.
"Uh... I... I mean, hi," she stammered, laughing nervously. Her voice was very young and childlike. You'd think it would have made me feel wrong about the whole thing, but it didn't.
I had caught her on a day when she wasn't all slagged up to make people like her. She was just in a pair of jeans and a strap top. She was cute, in an innocent virgin type of way.
I kept the stupid grin on my face; I could tell by her wide eyes and flushed cheeks that she was falling for it. Hell, most girls did.
"Is Bliss home?" I asked, raising my brows innocently.
"N-No," she stuttered, looking and sounding breathless. She stared at me head to toe. "He went out about an hour ago."
"Oh," I said. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out an envelope that contained Monopoly money. Anna knew all about Bliss' "hobby", but she kept her mouth shut. She was very close to her brother, and would do anything to keep him from getting in trouble.
"I had to give this to him," I said, holding the envelope up. I kept my voice carefully regretful. "Do you mind if I just... drop it in his room?"
If Anna didn't have a massive crush on me, she would have offered to leave it in his room herself. If she wasn't so busy ogling at me, she'd realize that we usually did these sort of transactions in secret, not by ringing the front doorbell. If she hadn't been so turned on by me just looking at her, she'd be aware that something was very, very wrong.
Unfortunately for her, her estrogen levels were overpowering her common sense.
"Sure," she said immediately, stepping aside to let me pass.
I walked in slowly, making sure to brush my arm against hers as I passed. I smirked down at her and she was doe-eyed.
I stopped in the middle of the foyer, pretending to be confused.
"Uh, where is his room again?" I asked, falsely perplexed. "Is it on the left, or right? I forget. It's been a while."
My argument was stupid, but of course she wouldn't realise it.
"I can show you," she said quickly, taking the bait.
"Great," I said. "That's nice of you."
I remember thinking,It's so easy getting virgins to do what you want.
I winked at her and her eyes widened even further as she led me to the staircase. I stared unabashedly at her ass, and I hoped she could feel my gaze. I heard her take a deep breath, so maybe she did.
She led me down the upstairs corridor and paused outside a door on the far left. I passed by her room, and the door was open. I made a note of that.
I smiled kindly at her and then walked into Bliss' room. It seemed normal, but we all knew about the drugs hidden under a loose floorboard; and behind a wall panel in the closet and under his mattress.
I sat the envelope of fake money on his bedside table and then turned to look at Anna, who stood nervously in the doorway.
I stepped closer until we were inches apart and she was looking up at me with those wide eyes. In their blue depths I saw apprehension and surprise, but mostly excitement.
"Well, thanks," I said, smirking at her. "Nice seeing you."
Her face fell just a little, and she nodded, stepping aside to let me go.
I walked slowly down the corridor, feeling her eyes on me, and then I turned to her bedroom door.
"Is this your room?" I asked, feigning curiosity.
She nodded.
"Do you mind...?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow but keeping a friendly, seductive smile on my face.
She shook her head and I walked into her overly girly room as if I was interested.
"Wow," I said, knowing she stood in the doorway. "This is cute... like you."
I looked at her in time to see her blush and mumbled thanks.
I stared at her bed, an extremely fluffy looking thing, and then moved my gaze to her bedside table. She had a battered old copy of The Giver sitting there, and I cocked an eyebrow.
I was glad I had read that one.
"Oh, that's my favourite," I lied, picking the book up.
"Really?" she said, sounding surprised.
I nodded and slowly ran my finger down its' spine. Her eyes watched my finger go back and forth, her lips parted.
She caught my eye and I licked my lips, setting the book back down.
"I didn't expect the ending," I said. "Honestly I was rather confused most of the time."
She grinned at me. "Me, too. It was all quite shocking, really. I did like the concept of the whole novel though- the concept that when everything in your life is monotonous, you can't truly appreciate the joys in life. Also, they experience no pain, so therefore they can't experience the joy. Such a true idea, expressed in an interesting way. It was brilliant..."
She trailed off, blushing slightly. Smart girl- why did she look up to the slags?
I nodded politely, keeping my smile warm. "Oh, I agree," I said, knowing I'd have to get her comfortable with me. "You're right. And how interesting is it that colour can't be described through words, if it doesn't even exist? I mean, if you try to describe 'red', but you don't know what colour is, how do you explain it? Weird, right?"
She stared at me like I was her hero and I grinned.
I was getting impatient, though. I was here to fuck her, not talk about books.
But where the hell was Tanya? She said she'd be there five minutes after me, yet here I was, alone with the girl.
I decided that I needed to get this over with. I wasn't going to wait for Tanya; perhaps she had forgotten. I had a responsibility to take the virginity of this girl, and I needed to do it before anyone came home.
"I'm kind of bored," I said casually. "Do you mind if I just... stay? I mean, I really have nowhere else to go..."
She blinked, surprised by my request. "Oh. Um... sure, I guess."
I grinned. "Cool."
I plopped down onto her bed, leaning back on my palms and crossing my legs- the ultimate look of comfort.
She looked stunned, and I smiled. "Don't just stand there. It's your room."
She smiled shyly and slowly walked over to the bed. She sat a good deal away from me, folding her legs into a pretzel. Her face was slightly flushed and her breathing was a bit erratic.
She was horny. Perfect.
"It sucks that I never really talked to you before," I said. "You seem cool."
She looked at me dubiously. "Cool? Me?"
"Yeah," I said confidently. "I mean you're pretty, smart... that's cool to me."
She got that look in her eyes again, like she worshipped me.
"I think you're cool, too," she mumbled.
I laughed. "Thanks.
I sat up and shifted myself closer to her. She was frozen.
Slowly but confidently, I reached out and ran a finger over her thin lower lip. She was completely still, except for the visible shudder that went through her body.
"Do you know... I've always sort of fancied you," I lied, looking into her eyes.
She gasped sharply, and then blinked.
I ran my fingers over her freckles and she closed her eyes.
"Me too," she whispered. "A lot."
She opened her eyes, looking scared, but I was grinning at her.
"That great," I said. "Because I've always wanted to do this."
I took her face in one hand and leaned forward at a snail's pace, waiting to see if she'd reject me.
I knew she wouldn't. No one did.
I pressed my lips against hers and she squealed- probably a mixture of surprise and excitement. Not wanting to scare her by shoving my tongue into her mouth too soon, I pressed my lips against hers sweetly, chastely.
When I pulled away, licking my lips, she looked intoxicated... by my presence, that is.
"I have a boyfriend," she suddenly gasped.
I cocked an eyebrow, not expecting that. "What?" My tone was curt; this was the real Edward, not the fake one that seduced this girl.
She looked down, frowning. "Rudy."
My jaw dropped. No fucking way.
Before she could see the surprise and irritation on my face, I made my expression look disappointed. She looked up, guilt written all over her face.
"That sucks," I said, pressing my lips into a slight pout.
"Wait," she said. "Aren't you going out with Tanya Denali?"
Shit. Wasn't expecting her to bring that up.
"We broke up," I lied effortlessly, pretending to look sad. "I just... couldn't get you off my mind."
Her eyes were wide again.
"Rudy doesn't need to know anything," I said, winking. I bit my bottom lip briefly and then kissed her again.
She sighed and her hand got lost in my hair.
Good girl. This had to be consensual.
I kissed her harder, more passionately, this time shoving my tongue into her mouth. She kissed me back awkwardly, trying hard to make this good because she obviously didn't know what she was doing. Typical virgin.
I pushed her until she was flat on her back with me hovering on top of her. She looked scared, but she was flushed and panting so I knew she wanted it.
I pressed soft, gentle kisses along her face and neck and her whole body was stiff. I ran my hand over her stomach and thighs.
"Just relax," I said.
She complied and I felt her body loosen up beneath me. I started grinding myself into her and she gasped. I looked down at her and she looked shocked but very, very aroused. Her body language made it blatantly obvious that she wanted me.
I slid my hand up her shirt and hesitantly ran my finger under the wire of her bra. I stared into her eyes and saw the fear but she wasn't saying anything.
Time to stop wasting time and get this shit over with.
I knew I had to be fast. I had to pop that cherry and get the fuck out of there.
I crashed my lips against hers, roughly this time, and made my tongue probe every inch of her mouth. She was panting heavily, whimpering slightly, but her hands had a really tight grip in my hair.
Before she could blink I had her shirt off and both her tits in my hands. I squeezed them roughly, pressing kisses into her neck and breastbone. Her breathing was shallow, but her body was stiffening up again.
She stopped me when my hands went to the waistband of her jeans.
"Wait," she gasped.
Shit. I wasn't going to fuck her if she told me "no". I was a lot of things, but "rapist" would not be one of them.
Never. Sexual assault just wasn't my thing.
This is why this needed to be consensual. She needed to let me fuck her, and all would be fine.
"What?" I said my voice husky. I was hard by now, and I wanted to be in and out- fast.
"Are..." she hesitated, and I tried not to look annoyed."I'm... I'm a virgin."
I pretended to look surprised. "Oh. Really?"
She nodded.
I smiled and kissed her in a way that was supposed to be comforting. She remained stiff.
"I can take care of that," I mumbled.
I unbuttoned the button on her jeans and eased them down slowly, sensually. Her breathing hitched in her throat and by the time her jeans were all the way off her breathing had become something close to hyperventilation.
"Just think," I said, pressing a kiss to her naval as I palmed her sex through her knickers. "You're about to have sex with Edward Cullen. You're so fucking lucky."
She smiled tentatively, but it didn't reach her eyes. She was scared. She knew this wasn't right. She knew she didn't want this as much as she thought.
Now was the time.
I pulled a condom out of my back pocket and unzipped my jeans, pulling them down. I impatiently yanked her knickers down and ran a finger across her slit as she whimpered. My fingers came away damp, but not enough. She wasn't ready.
It didn't matter.
I rolled the condom on- I had gone commando for a reason -and hesitated at her entrance, looking at her face. She looked scared, and rightfully so. This wasn't going to be pleasant. But I wasn't going to back off until she told me no. If she told me to stop, I'd stop.
There was some part of me, a kinder part of me, which wanted to give her another chance to think about it.
I cocked an eyebrow. "Ready?"
She hesitated, and then nodded once.
Then I slammed into her, hard.
She cried out as her barrier broke, so loud that the whole city could have heard her. Her entire body stiffened and her mouth was open in something close to horror.
I pulled out and then slammed into her again, and I could tell she was trying not to cry. She squeezed her eyes shut and bit her lip, whimpering as I pounded into her over and over.
She was so, so tight and it was amazing. I knew I was hurting her, I knew she was in pain, but she wasn't stopping me.
I came quickly and landed on top of her, panting heavily. I pulled out of her and she let out a sob.
I climbed off the bed and took the condom off, tossing it into a nearby bin. I felt completely nonchalant as I pulled my jeans back on.
I looked at Anna, who lay their stiff and crying, and smiled somewhat cruelly.
"See you around," were my parting words.
I swallowed, keeping my eyes on the hotel's closed door.
"I didn't feel an ounce of guilt," I said, voice thick with disgust. "I was completely okay with taking the virginity of an innocent girl that knew she didn't want it but was too afraid to admit it. Everything about her screamed 'NOT READY', and I was smart enough to realise that, but I didn't give a fuck. Now, thinking back, I can't imagine what she went through after that...
"Afterwards, when I called Tanya to ask her where she'd been, she told me she had fallen asleep. Of course, at that time I believed her. She promised to make up the whole threesome thing to me, which she did. I was into anything sexual, as long as Tanya was involved. The only exception was the virgin thing.
"Tanya didn't show up because she was fucking my best friend at the same time I was fucking an innocent fourteen year old girl. It's the only thing I really feel guilty for, to this day. Well, aside from the... you know. I was a fucking predator. There's no other word for it, really."
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, rolling my neck because staring at the hotel door had made my neck stiff.
Now it was time to stare at my lap. I didn't look at Bella's face yet, but I saw how her hands were in fists in her own lap.
"Bliss found out the next day. He was... beyond furious. It was the kind of fury that only an older brother can have when he finds out that one of his friends ruthlessly fucked his younger, virginal sister."
Here it goes...
We were hanging out in Tanya's basement, where we usually went to just relax. Her dad traveled for work and her mum was like Bliss' mum, too social to be at home enough.
Tanya sat on my lap and we were snogging as Peter, Sam, Tom, and Kevin sat around playing cards and drinking beer. Peter's girlfriend, Charlotte, was there as well.
Peter was pleased when I told him about my taking a poor girl's innocence, and for now we were enjoying the peace while it lasted.
Because it wouldn't.
Suddenly the basement door flew open and running feet stumbled down the stairs.
"You fucking bastard, I'll kill you!"
To say that Bliss was "angry" would be an understatement. He was furious, outraged, and completely mental with rage.
Peter stood up and blocked Bliss from getting to me, putting a hand on his chest.
"Whoa," Peter said. "Calm the fuck down."
Tanya got off my lap and I stood up, going to Peter's side at the same time the other guys did.
"I swear to fucking God, if youevertouch my sister again, I'll fucking kill you!" Bliss screamed at me.
I couldn't help the amused smile that spread across my lips. He shouldn't have come here alone. What an idiot.
Peter shoved him a little roughly. "And you shouldn't have been selling to Rudy behind our motherfucking backs," he snapped.
Bliss looked stunned, then momentarily embarrassed, then angry again.
"That doesn't even fucking matter!" he cried, trying to come at me.
Peter punched him in the jaw and Bliss ended up on the ground, groaning. Peter walked up to him and put his foot on Bliss' chest to keep him down.
"Oh, but it does matter," Peter said coldly. "If you hadn't gone behind our backs, we wouldn't have had to teach you a lesson by fucking your sister. Frankly, she's lucky it was Barms and not me. I would have fucked her tight ass more than once."
Bliss tried to get up but Peter kicked him in the face.
"We all roughed him up a bit," I admitted. "It was... fun… at the time. Tanya and Charlotte sat there on the couch, sipping their beers and watching like it was some film. After that, Bliss left, promising not to sell to Rudy anymore. But the worst wasn't over..."
Of course Rudy found out about it too, seeing as Anna was his girlfriend.
He was worse than Bliss had been, and he knew where to find me.
We were in one of our many alleys. It was two or three in the morning, on a Sunday. That was usually when we made guys do stupid shit if they wanted to stay with us. Sam was joining me that day, along with Jason, one of our other friends. There were only two guys there that night, and I wasn't even sure I knew their names.
Sam, Kevin and I stood across from them and I was about to tell them that I wanted them to break into and vandalize a parked police car, but we were interrupted.
I heard the click of the gun before I saw it.
I turned and saw Rudy standing at the entrance of the alley, pointing a gun right at my head. The expression on his face wasn't angry- it was cold, heartless.
No one had ever pointed a gun at me before. Usually I was the one pointing it at someone else. So when I saw Rudy standing a few feet away from me, the barrel of the gun closer to my face due to his long arms, I was more than a little surprised.
To this day, I don't know if I was scared. I was apprehensive definitely, but the fear was either nonexistent or very weak.
All I could feel was the adrenaline, and that was what I lived for. That, and Tanya.
I stared at Rudy as he stared at me; the gun was trembling.
"Rudy, what the fuck are you doing?" Sam had asked voice tight with panic.
"Shut up," Rudy had snapped through clenched teeth. The gun was shaking harder now. "Just... shut up."
I was so focused on the gun I didn't even notice the two boys I was supposed to be initiating exchange a look and then edge away from the rest of us. They were gone in a flash, and Rudy didn't seem to care.
He wasn't there for them. He was there for me.
I stared at Rudy impassively, but my whole body was stiff. He could lose it at any moment, and all it would take was for him to put the slightest of pressure onto the trigger.
"Put the gun down," Sam said, anxiously. Kevin was frozen. "You're not thinking."
Rudy turned the gun on Sam. "Shut the fuck up. Get the fuck out of my way and let me do whatever I bloody want." He was suddenly seething, his mind overpowered by rage.
The second Rudy pointed the gun at Sam, the adrenaline spiked. I tensed myself, ready to spring at Rudy if I had to. This was suddenly a matter of brotherhood, and he'd have to get through me to get to Sam.
"Rudy," I said his name warily, like I had approached a wild animal. He turned the gun on me and I relaxed only fractionally. Sam wasn't in danger anymore. "I know you're pissed-"
"'Pissed'?" he repeated, stepping closer. The gun was so close to my face that my eyes went cross-eyed if I looked at the barrel. "You think I'm pissed? You- you just- you went and-you fucked my girlfriendyou bastard, I'll-" he cut off his own sentence with a growl of fury and the gun was pressed against my forehead.
I winced and stumbled back, and he came with me.
I was trying to figure out how to get the gun out of his hands but he was so mentally unstable at the moment that nothing was safe.
"She. Was. A. Virgin," he spat, spittle landing on my face.
No shit, I thought, but it wasn't like I would say anything, considering he had a gun pressed to my head.
"You went in and you fucked her forwhat? Huh?" he pressed the gun harder and I winced. My hands were lifted a little, halfway on the journey to grab the gun from him.
Before I could answer, Sam tackled him and a loud bang rang out as Rudy reflexively pressed the trigger.
Everything after that happened so fast that if it weren't for how I'd felt afterwards, I'd doubt that it happened.
Sam was on top of Rudy, trying to keep the gun away from anyone's face, but it wasn't easy. Rudy was a big guy and he had the gun pointing in the air as he struggled to get it to aim towards me.
He wasn't successful in the slightest, because I got out of the way just as he pulled the trigger again and the bullet crashed into the brick wall of the alley.
"Calm the fuck down!" I screamed at him, but suddenly I was frozen, not knowing what to do. If I got close enough to the gun to try and grab it, he'd shoot me.
Kevin suddenly lurched forward and tried to wrestle the gun free while Sam continued his struggle to restrain Rudy.
Kevin was triumphant and he lurched up, the gun in his hand. At the same time he stood up, Rudy threw a hard punch at Sam's head. Sam was thrown off, clutching his head and groaning, and Rudy jumped up, staring at Kevin and the gun in his hands.
"Stay right there," Kevin said, voice trembling. The gun, which was now pointed at Rudy, was shaking. "Just stay."
Now Rudy was the one to look scared. His fingers were curled into claws of some kind and his face was wild, almost insane. He kept glancing from me to the gun, back and forth like gazing at an abnormally fast tennis match.
There was something different about Kevin as he pointed the gun at Rudy. Suddenly the way he was pointing the weapon had meaning, a meaning stronger than to just keep Rudy away from us.
There was something in his eyes, some kind of hidden hate that was just beginning to resurface...
"You don't know what you're talking about," Kevin snapped. "You come round here acting like you actually gave a fuck about her."
Um... what?
I stared at him, puzzled. Rudy narrowed his eyes at Kevin.
"I do care about her," Rudy snarled. "I actually did something about it, instead of just being a pussy and watching as someone else-"
Kevin clicked the gun, and it wasn't loud but it shut Rudy up.
"Kevin, wait," I said, approaching him cautiously. "Stop, what are you doing?"
He glanced at me through his peripheral, but his head and the gun remained in Rudy's direction.
"He doesn't care about Anna," Kevin said, voice trembling. "He just wanted to get in her knickers because she was tight-"
"You don't know anything!" Rudy yelled, and I wrapped my hand around Kevin's wrist, stilling him. He was shaking, shaking from the fear and the anger.
He wasn't stable anymore, either.
"He doesn't really know her," he said, voice thick with hate. "He doesn't love her like I do."
Oh fuck, this had taken a completely different turn.
"Kev, put the gun down," I said calmly but authoritatively.
He ignored me completely, his hands still shaking.
"Kevin," I said again.
His face was contorted with rage and his eyes were glazed with madness whilst his whole arm shook with the pressure of what he wanted to do.
This was not good. I needed to dispose of this gun and then get the fuck out of here.
I grabbed Kevin's arm and started wrestling the gun away from him, just as Rudy tried to step forward and punch me. Sam was quick and had Rudy tackled again, while I struggled to free the gun away from Kevin.
"I'll fucking kill you, Cullen!" Rudy was shouting as he tried to fight Sam off. "I'll kill you, I'll kill you both!"
I was stronger than Kevin and the gun was no more in my hand than it was in his. I had him pinned against the wall, but he was putting up a good fight.
"How would you feel it was Tanya?" Rudy shouted, and my fight with Kevin was weakened slightly as his question threw me off balance.
"How would you feel if Tanya was a virgin and I went and fucked her so hard she wouldn't stop bleeding for hours-"
...
"I just shot him," I whispered, staring at my hands. It was suddenly too hard to talk. "I was pissed and he was there and the gun was in my hands and without a second thought I just..."
That was it.
The silence stretched on and on and I knew I had to look at her.
Bella wasn't looking at me. There were silent tears streaming down her face and her entire body was visibly tense. Her gaze was on the pillow next to me and her expression was some mixture of horror and shock and disbelief. I watched warily as she started shaking.
Holy fuck. This was worst than I thought.
"Bella?" I said cautiously.
Her eyes snapped towards me and there it was, clear as day- the fear.
I reached a hand out to try and comfort her, but she flinched so violently you would have thought I was holding a knife to her face.
"Bella, please," I whispered, and she startled me by stumbling off the bed and away from me.
What the hell was going on?
She had her back to me, standing just a few feet away from the door.
I slowly got off the bed, my heart thumping erratically. I knew it was a lot to absorb, but I didn't think she'd react this way.
I stood behind her, just waiting for her to say or do something other than having her back to me.
I heard her sniff and then watched as she reached a hand up to her belly, grabbing the fabric of her t-shirt.
"Bella, talk to me," I pleaded. "I know it's a lot to take in-"
"'A lot to take in'?" she squeaked. "A lot to take in? Edward, you..."
I took a deep breath, feeling the most distressed I had in a while. "I know what I did. I'm not proud of it, but-"
"It doesn't matter," she cried. "Edward... it's like I don't know you."
I stared at her back in quiet shock.
I didn't even know what to say to that.
I ran a hand through my hair, feeling all kinds of anxiety.
"Bella... that's it. That's my story. That's who I was, that's what happened... You know me better than anybody."
She turned slowly to face me and the fear and apprehension was still there.
"You've stabbed people," she whispered. "You've mugged people, you've started fires, and you've done and sold drugs... You... you practically raped someone..." she broke off with a choking sob, and covered her mouth with her hand.
My jaw dropped.
Then I was angry.
"You know that's not what it was," I said, barely able to control the growl in my voice.
"Yes, it was," she sobbed, dropping her hand and sniffing. "Edward... she didn't want it, and you knew it."
I shook my head furiously. "She never told me 'no'. You know I would've stopped, and of course it hurts the first time- I can't believe I even have to explain this to you..."
Completely and utterly exasperated, I collapsed onto the bed with my head in my hands. I pulled at my hair, frustrated.
You'd think that after telling her everything, I would feel lighter, like a weight had been lifted.
That wasn't the case. I felt like there had been a weight placed on me, a thousand times heavier than the last.
"Edward, I don't know if I can do this."
Those words. Those nine words crushed me more than anything ever had.
I looked up at her, feeling the panic and adrenaline course through me.
Her eyes were on the floor, but they were moving wildly like she didn't know where to look.
Like she was thinking way too much.
I stood up, my legs feeling numb, and took a step towards her.
"You don't know what you're saying," I said, and I couldn't stop my voice from shaking.
She clenched her eyes shut and took a step back, her lower lip trembling and her cheeks wet.
She nodded. "I do."
"No you don't," I said angrily. The anger was a shield from the pain that I refused to feel. "Bella, you can't do this."
She let out a sob and shook her head. "You don't get it."
"Then explain it to me," I begged, taking her hands. She tried to wrench her grip away but I didn't let her.
I was not going to let go.
She struggled to speak as she sobbed, her head down. "The th-things you did... I never th-thought..."
"It's awful," I said earnestly. "I know it's awful, but you need to understand that I'm not like that anymore."
"Doesn't change anything," she whispered. "Let me go."
I held her wrists tighter. "No."
"Edward, let me go."
"Never, Bella."
She was shaking, I was shaking, she was crying, and I was close.
This was not happening. This could not be happening. This is not what all these past months had led up to.
My grip had loosened and she wrenched free, stumbling back towards the door.
"This is too much," she whispered. "Too much for me."
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"I'm sorry," she repeated, but her words meant something else.
It was sinking in, painfully slow.
"Bella, don't..." I begged, and my voice wavered. "Don't go."
"Don't follow me," she whispered. "I don't want you near me right now, just... don't."
There was an ache in my chest and I couldn't move as she zombie-walked towards the door and opened it.
"Bella wait," I said, and the desperation in my voice was almost pathetic. "Please, we can...:
"We can what?" she whispered. "Work it out? Edward, I wish we could..."
"Yes, if that's what you want to call it. Just, please, don't leave. Please."
I stared at her back, my heart cracking with every second she stayed away from me. Pretty soon it would break in two, and I'd be nothing.
She had her hand on the doorknob, gripping it so tight that her knuckles were white.
She took a step out the door, like she wasn't sure, and watching her go was making me insane.
"Bella, I love you," I said despairingly, and I sounded like a dying man.
I had never said those words out loud, never felt like I had to until now.
She froze, knuckles going whiter than before.
With one last sob, she ran out of the room, slamming the door shut on my heart.
My mind could not wrap around what just happened.
She did not just leave me. She couldn't. She wouldn't.
It started to sink in faster than before, and then it hit me so hard I literally collapsed onto my knees.
She did.
A/N: Most controversial chapter, right?
Here's all I'm gonna say: There's more to Edward's story than he lets off. Since this is his POV, he sees things a certain way and he describes them how he remembers them.
Before anyone leaves an angry review about how horrible Edward is, give the next chapter a chance.
All will be cleared up and/or confirmed.