Hello darlings! Phewww, thanks a friggin lot for your awesome reviews x) you will never cease to make me smile and touch my little heart x3 I hope I don't assail you with chapters and that there are enough days as intervals between the chapters… I can't believe we're already at chapter 36… but… here it is!
Chapter 36
This Friday was already a nuisance, and Castiel wondered if his day might have been better had he just stayed in bed. First of all, he had overslept, because he had stayed awake half of the night, while his head had been soaked through with brilliant, breathtaking memories of Dean – for once, they hadn't hurt, and there had been an enchanted smile on Castiel's lips, and his eyes had gleamed with love, as he had bathed in each, wonderful memory, which had uplifted the troubles from his heart. Thanks to his restless night, he was very late when he rushed into his office – the look Gabe gave him wasn't cheerful as well, and told Castiel, something was very, very wrong. Usually Gabe only looked like this when they were in a mess, and he cursed his perfect instincts, once Gabriel told them, their superior Rufus wanted to see them asap. So, seemingly, this Friday was really becoming a strenuous torture; together they tiptoed to Rufus' office, ignoring the bitchy glances of their colleagues, and when they walked cautiously inside, they were met with the older man's grumpy face, and Castiel felt his heart leap into his throat (Rufus was wearing his this-means-war-mask, dear God). Even Gabe didn't smile or dared to make an ironic remark, when Rufus barked they should sit down.
Rufus threw a couple of black and white evidence photos on his desk and turned them around in front of them, so that they could see what they were showing. Castiel's heart missed a beat, and he gulped down the awful, aching knot in his throat. He and Gabe shared nervous looks with each other as their eyes met, and he shook his head in disbelief. How the hell had that happened? Who had taken those pictures? For crying out loud, it was absolutely embarrassing and horrible, and Castiel couldn't help but blush... It were photos of Gabe and him in the brothel, and their different clothes revealed they had been taken on various evenings. They were screwed, they were so goddamn screwed!
"Gentlemen, I don't think I have to elaborate what we see here, am I right? Thanks to other exemplary employees we could close down a brothel and catch a cunning criminal last week. Those pictures show two federal agents, who are certainly aware that they're committing an infamous action – after all, brothel's are not legal in this state, boys. Now, it is really bad-looking when we find our employees in the location we are spying on, and I hope you understand I can't just let this pass. Therefore...", and here, Rufus stopped and leaned back in his chair, and his dark eyes observed Castiel and Gabe for a few, lengthy seconds, which felt just dreadful to Castiel. He had never liked to be the receiver of these wise, knowing eyes, it always seemed to him as if they were looking right through him. Rufus harrumphed and pushed the photos together to one, neat pile.
"I have to suspend the both of you for one week without pay. You can return on Monday in ten days. I hope I don't have to do this again, is that clear? Regard this as your first warning."
"Yes sir", Gabe and Castiel mumbled immediately, and both their shoulders were hanging down when they left Rufus' office and closed the door behind them. Gabe gave Castiel a weird sideglance as they were silently walking back to their own bureau, and Castiel's mood bettered once he met Gabe's mischievous eyes, and the frown of confusion left him when Gabe grinned at him. Castiel laughed and wagged his head slightly.
"What? What is it?", he asked Gabe, and he heard his colleague began to chuckle lightly too.
"I just never thought you'd be the type for suspensions", Gabe said with a smirk, what made Castiel nudge him friendly.
"They sow the wind and reap the whirlwind", he commented dryly and stuck his tongue out at Gabe.
…
The setting sun was shining through the clean windows of Castiel's bedroom, and he narrowed his eyes as he stared into the lush, golden light. Through half-closed eyes, he could pretend that the sparkle of the dancing light beams resembled the luminescence, which lived in Dean's stunning, green eyes. There had always been a golden spark in those irises, and as the sun warmed Castiel's pale face, he was sure he could remember it perfectly. He held his breath as he felt his heart skipped a beat and how strong, warm love bloomed within his chest, fluttering softly inside him like a butterfly's wings; restlessness reappeared inside of him, as it came to his mind again, why he was lying in bed and staring idly at the late afternoon's sun. He had wanted to distract himself, and of course he had failed to do so.
Castiel was slowly but surely going stir-crazy; now that he had all the time in the world, the hours seemed to drag on. The cellphone in his hand felt heavy, the weight of its significance burdened Castiel. A few times he had entered Dean's number, only to turn the cellphone off again. He tossed and turned in bed, incapable of finding a convenient position; Castiel was more than nervous, he felt like a wreck. His insides wavered between fear of rejection and the thrill of anticipation – just to hear Dean's voice again... he was certain it would make him lose it. Once more he dialed Dean's number and gnawed at his bottom lip, and this time, he waited. He needed to talk to Dean again, he needed to make him understand, so that he could have him back.
Dean picked up the phone, and Castiel was startled and disillusioned as soon as he heard the stressed sound of Dean's voice. He wondered when he would ever hear tenderness and affection resonate again in the way Dean spoke to him.
"Hi, Cas. What is it?", Dean asked straight away, and Castiel decided to play along the game of bluntness, so he laid it on the line and responded "It's high time we had the talk we need, Dean. You better not hang up on me" - there was no reaction, but some seconds of silence, and Castiel concentrated on Dean's quiet breathing sounds. Disappointment spread inside Castiel's stomach like a cancer and it hurt terribly to hear Dean's agitated sigh, as if Dean was annoyed with him, and it made Castiel angry and perplexed at the same time. How stupid of him to think Dean wanted to solve things between them as well... Wrath took over him, and before he could control it, he heard himself blather somewhat shakily and emotionally "Know what? Just forget it, forget about it. I, uh... I'll hang up and you can proceed with whatever you were doing."
It seemed to awake Dean, and in an instant Castiel heard him reply, sounding just as upset as Castiel felt.
"No, Cas... No, please, don't hang up. It's just, …I don't know what you want me to say. You stabbed me in the back, and I thought we were something serious... and since I returned from prison, my life is a mess, a complete, disgusting pile of crap, because now Sam and my dad are aware of what I did... as selfish as it sounds, I just can't handle this right now. Do you understand that? There's not enough space in my brain or heart to deal with all this damage, and I'm tired, man, I'm so fucking tired..."
A melancholic smile came to Castiel as Dean poured out his heart to him – they still shared this bound of intimacy, which was hard to extinguish, and it did him good to hear Dean opened up to him again. However, his mind was clouded with worries as he realized Dean still thought Castiel had betrayed him.
"Dean, I'm sorry for your situation, I really am,... and if you let me, I'll be there to help you. I'll be there when you need someone to talk to, or if you want any other kind of support. But you've got to understand that I didn't do anything, I swear – my colleagues arrested your boss and shut down the brothel, and I would have warned you had I known anything about their operation. In fact, I've been suspended from work today, because they had photos of me and Gabe spending the evening in the brothel. Isn't that proof enough that I didn't have my finger in the pie?", he reasoned and hoped, Dean would understand him and finally come to his senses.
"I don't know, Cas...I have a hard time building on words, and right now I rather keep my wariness, you could say that's my usual form of self-protection", Dean replied thoughtfully, and he sounded bitter to Castiel. At that point, Castiel's fuses blew, and his passion overpowered him. How could Dean not trust the truth content of his words? Before he knew it his mouth had cleared the way for his tirade, he was blind with rage and worn out by his frustration.
"Know what your problem is, Dean? You rather think that I let you down, that all of this was a conspiracy – you rather think all of that, than accepting what we had was serious, and that I am still damn serious about it. I know your life has never been exactly 'peachy', like you'd say it, but good things do happen from time to time, and what we had was good and I was honest about it, and I would have never, ever stabbed you in the back. For Christ's sake, when will you understand that I do love you and that you're holding on to a chimera?"
"Cas...", Dean sounded strangled, suffocated with emotions, and it brought tears to Castiel's eyes. His heart hurt, and with the back of his hand he brushed the upcoming tears angrily away. The pain thudded through his body and made him oversensitive, and he wished Dean would just be here and hold him, that everything would be just like the way it used to be.
"Cas, I'm sorry... I just can't", he heard Dean whisper, and then the younger man ended their conversation and hung up, and Castiel felt bruised and broken all over again. He was at a loss. What the hell was he supposed to say or do to repair Dean's trust, to regain their relationship? He tried and tried, and it was never good enough, and he wasn't sure how much more of this his heart could endure. This time he let his tears run free, and he held the cellphone in his hands and listened to the dialing tone, as if it was still connecting him with Dean, so that he felt less alone and heartbroken. A mayhem raged within him, and for a while he could only lie in his bed and sob miserably, wondering where he and Dean had gone wrong, where exactly they had failed.
…
Though Castiel dreaded the weekend, it assaulted him nevertheless – his apartment was clean, and he was suspended from work, so he had to deal with himself, and there wasn't much he could do to distract himself from his heartache. While he jogged through the natural reserve on Saturday noon, his legs directed him to the hidden forest lake he and Dean had spent an evening at. A deadly, silent fury bubbled within his stomach as he stood still and regarded the calm lake, glistening in the sun's light; he remembered the sexual tension between Dean and him that day, how they had devoured each other unrestrainedly. He could still hear Dean's moans in his ears, he could still feel his hands all over his body, and it made him incredibly sad and irritated at the same time. A wave of agony washed over him, and he burst with pain, as he quickly picked up some stones and hurled them into the water with powerful throws, a grim mien cloaking his face. He was all out of breath and wet through with perspiration when he managed to contain himself again. He was nothing but distraught when he jogged back home, feeling a terrible weight resting on his shoulders, dulling his senses ruthlessly.
This evening he had invited Gabe over to drink to their failure, and their get-together became boozy and chaotic. The more they drank, the sillier their conversations became, and Castiel found solace in Gabe's company and the foolish amounts of alcohol. Somehow, it eased the pain within him, and he found nothing really mattered anymore, once the world swayed to and fro before his eyes. He even laughed sometimes, but it sounded shrill and artificial in his own ears, and before he knew it, he was crying, and Gabe comforted him with slurred words, which made Castiel laugh again. It was downright embarrassing, when he became sick and puked into the toilet, feeling Gabe's kind pats on his back. Tears were staining his cheeks, and a sole, gloomy notion ran through his inebriated head – he couldn't take it anymore, and if it was always going to be like this, he just wanted to lay down and die. His whole body trembled when he lay in bed (Gabe had brought him to bed and tucked him in with a compassionate look), and he still felt nauseous and insane, but that didn't keep him from reaching out for his cellphone and dialing Dean's number. He was so going to regret that the next day, but he couldn't care less at the moment. Someone picked up the phone, and Cas was already speaking, before Dean would hang up on him again.
"Dean, please... I need you to listen to me, just one minute, okay?", he slurred horribly, and the voice which asked "Cas? Is that you?" sounded most definitely not like Dean. It took him a few seconds, then he understood it was Sam on the phone, and he felt a deep blush colouring his cheeks.
"Ah, thank God, it's good to catch you. Listen, I don't know what happened between you and Dean, but it can't go on like that. I came for a visit this weekend, because our dad was worrying about Dean, and I hate to admit it, but he was damn right. Dean's just... I don't know, he barely eats or sleeps or talks, and he looks like a walking zombie. He's completely absent, and I can't get through to him. If I didn't know it better, I'd say he's traumatized. Of course, I think he's bothered about his revealed secret, but I don't think that's what's gnawing at him... I think he needs you, Castiel... You were the one who made him so happy, and I guess, sorry to say it that way, but you're also the one who brought him down like that", Sam explained quietly, and it was difficult to concentrate on his words while being so terribly drunk, but as their meaning grasped Castiel, he choked on his own breath, and his heart picked up a hectic, vehement beat.
"I'm trying, Sam, I really do. The way Dean behaved towards me recently makes me doubt he wants me around any longer, so why should I even make an effort? It's no good if he doesn't want me...", Castiel mumbled absentmindedly, and nervous tears welled in his eyes as the thought hit him hard, that Dean possibly didn't want anything to do with him, that he would never get him back.
"Cas, no, you got it wrong, you got it completely wrong. You should see his face whenever I dare to mention you or just your name. I can't describe it, but there's so much pain in his eyes, and he's just so heartbreakingly sad, I can't stand looking at him. Please, don't stop trying. I know he's a damn thickhead and I'd skull him if that made him come to his senses, but you've got to have patience with him. I think he has never been that close to anyone, so it's reasonable that he doesn't know what to do or how to react... oh shit, gotta hang up, I think Dean's coming!", Sam whispered, then the line went dead and Castiel was left in a state of complete bewilderment and emotional turbulence. It changed everything to know Dean was apparently suffering too, it renewed the fragile flame of hope dwelling inside Castiel's heart. He put the cellphone away and stared into the darkness of the night for a long while, trying to digest the just heard information with his intoxicated mind. Determination seized him at some point and throbbed through his veins steadily, and he felt stronger, more certain – he would not give up on their relationship, not if there was still the slightest ounce of a chance left for them.
…
The air was sticky and hot as Castiel drove to the garage this Monday evening. The black storm front on the horizon mirrored the disturbance inside of him, dark clouds hung in the sky and blocked the last rays of the setting summer's sun. The trees were swooshing in the gusts of wind, and the angry thunders made the earth vibrate. Everywhere people were running, trying to find shelter before all hell was breaking loose. Castiel's car swung whenever another squall hit his car, and he drove frighteningly fast, a fierceness thriving within him. He needed to see Dean, he couldn't bear one more day without him, he knew he would perish without him. Dean had come into his life and had changed everything, and now that he was gone, he had left a hole, which swallowed Castiel's life, his future, his capability to be happy, and this black hole left Castiel with nothing. The first thick raindrops started to fall as he parked his car on the premises and marched towards the building, his heart hammering against his chest violently. He clenched his fists and tried to compose himself, as the scattered cold drops cooled his skin.
He stopped when he heard voices inside, though it was beyond closing time. The door was open, fastened so that it wouldn't lurch about in the vivid play of the wind. Castiel listened once more, feeling like a criminal, because this seemed to become a habit, eavesdropping on Dean. Seemingly, he was having another argument with his father, and it made Castiel forget his own turmoil, as soon as he heard his own name was being mentioned.
"What, so that Castiel was your customer, too? God, I can't believe it, Dean! You brought that man to my apartment, and we had dinner, and I was affable to him! Why did you do that? That man abused you too!", John yelled in a rage, and Dean responded with the same furious manner.
"No, dad, it wasn't like that! Cas was the only one who didn't exploit me, he was actually the first one who asked what I wanted, hell, he didn't even touch me within the first weeks! I've never met someone who respected me so much, and he most definitely wasn't like all the others. I knew he was special right away, so don't even think about regretting to have welcomed him with open arms", Dean spat, but the longer he spoke, the quieter his voice became. Castiel was frozen when he heard Dean's revelation, and it cut right through his heart and made him antsy. A tiny smile appeared on his lips, and he felt calmer as love grew within him. To hear Dean thought of him so dearly, that he defended him against his dad, though Castiel wasn't even there... it showed him Dean still cared about him, that he was fond of him. He held his breath to hear their more quiet words, so that he wouldn't miss a single thing.
"If he's so special, then how come I don't see him with you anymore?", John asked carefully, and Castiel could hear the long, upset sigh of Dean. Another loud thunder boomed through the air and startled Castiel. He cursed the rain and the summer storm, because it was hard to perceive the spoken words through their sounds.
"Because I screwed it up... I thought he was behind the investigation that brought me into prison, and he said he had nothing to do with it, but I was stupid and didn't believe him. And,... I was not exactly nice to him within the last days, and I started to doubt my thoughts, the more we talked about it. So I went to his office today to pick up where we had left off, but I found his office empty, and I understood it was true, what he had told me the other day. He had been suspended because they had found out he had frequented the brothel... his colleagues teased me, that I must be that hooker who had been stupid enough to seduce an agent, and at that point, I realized how wrong I had been. Dad, I have been wrong all this time, and I did Cas such an injustice, and the fool still fought for us, despite my awful behaviour. I don't know how I can make it up to him, if he even wants me to reconcile with him..."
The influence of those words overwhelmed Castiel, and his jaw dropped in disbelief. His fingers twitched with anticipation, and a joyful bubble of bliss was put over him. Somehow, he felt tranquil, and for the first time in days he felt at ease. He didn't mind the starting, cold rain was bedewing his clothes and body, because the heat within him warmed him from head to toe, and he could almost feel how his eyes began to gleam with the love and affection he felt for Dean.
"Dean, didn't he give you enough clues? Though you behaved like an ass, he still wanted to put things straight with you. I think that should tell you enough, that he still cares about you. You'd be an idiot to throw this away because of a dumb misunderstanding. I've seen the way he looks at you, and you know what? Your mother had the same expression in her eyes when she looked at me, and I was aware enough to recognize it and to understand what it meant – she loved me, and I was clever enough to never let her go. And so does this Castiel love you, so you better come to terms with him and compensate for the damage you caused."
Castiel couldn't have agreed more, and he was about to unveil his presence and step inside, but then he heard Dean spoke again, and the content of what he was saying hurt him like a dagger, and his heart convulsed with sympathy and puzzlement.
"Why would he want me, dad? What do I've got to offer? You all regard me with disgust ever since you know what I did, so it's only logical he will look at me in the same way. Why should he want someone so tattered and tainted? He could have it easier, he could have someone less blemished...", Dean wailed, and Castiel was certain he heard his voice break and an agonized, angry sob interrupted him.
"Dean, when will you understand that? We are not disgusted, we're all just incredibly sad that you hid this from us for years, and you should know we would have done anything to prevent you from this frantic decision. You are not tainted, you are the most self-sacrificing person I have ever known, and I'm goddamn proud of you... and I guess Castiel sees something in you to what you're oblivious to. Just ask him, and I bet he can spend a whole evening telling you why he adores you", John calmed his son, and Castiel smiled a little bit. His whole body was soaked through with the rain, which fell severely now, and he trembled with nervousness, as he decided it was high time to deliver Dean from his pain. So he took the last few steps separating them and walked into the light of the building, and he smiled when Dean and John startled and turned around to him.
"He's right, I could", Castiel confirmed, referring to John's last words. Dean's mouth stood slightly agape, and his widened eyes regarded Castiel as if he was a ghost. John nodded at Castiel and patted Dean's shoulder, but Dean was too fascinated to tear his eyes away from Castiel's, as John spoke "I think I'll leave you two alone". Then John left inside the building, and Castiel approached Dean with hesitant, slow steps, their eyes glued to one another. Somewhere near a car's motor was started, and they heard John drive away. They were alone. The storm outside closed in on them and shook the building with another loud thunder, the noise of the falling rain extinguished every other sound. Castiel stopped in front of Dean, and their eyes scanned each other's face, and Castiel could feel a smile come to life on his lips.
TBC
I guess the next update will be on Wednesday or Thursday (unfortunately my vacation is over sobs sobs, so now I have less time for everything!) As always, your feedback is –highly- appreciated and welcome x)