Chapter 35: Jue Bie Shi (Farewell Poem)
Dedicated to Quibie who's been with this fanfic from the very beginning of its publication. I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. Words cannot express my gratitude. This one's for you.
I've only heard him play once before this time, and yet, I can already tell that there's so much passion in those hands of his. There's so much passion that he wants to show the world. He's a catalyst for the world's music, and this song that he wrote is the most beautiful form of it all.
Pure unaltered beauty.
I would hate to scar it with my words. I would hate to see this song be broken apart by the words that I'll eventually add, I don't think I could do anything to help this masterpiece. It's a shame that the only thing I can do is to mar it with imperfect, bumbling, ugly words.
"So, what do you think?"
"... It's perfect."
"It'll be better when you and I think about the lyrics."
"Then it won't be perfect anymore."
I can weave together words to create a story, I can stitch lines together to create a cloth of fantasy, but to put together emotions as deep as unrequited love, I can't do that. I can only do so much, I'm only human, I can't... create the miracle of emotion, just, life. That's all I can do.
"Sure it will. Just think... what's the first thing that comes up into your head?"
"I don't know..."
"Come on, I know you can do better than that. Screw the whole unrequited love theme. What does it remind you of?"
"The three long days that we spent apart."
"Okay, let's work off of that. Ah, shit, I've got rehearsal now, why don't you work on it while I'm gone? I promise I'll be back soon."
"I'll be counting the hours."
"Do I get a goodbye kiss from the mother?"
"Of course not, you're not the child."
"Ah damn, so close."
"Just get to work, I'll figure something out for this..."
Yes, work off of that feeling of loneliness that the two of us felt for three agonizing days. Work off on the idea of missing someone. Let's work with the idea of love so deep, affection so strong that through three short days, it felt like weeks, months, years even.
[iScratch, scratch, scratch... [/i
When was the last time I had heard this noise? The comforting scribble of pen against paper? When was the last time I heard the comforting sound of creation? So long ago it seems. The last time I had ever written anything for myself seem so long ago. I should just let go, let the feelings go and just simply do what I'm good at. And that is to create.
Create something from the nothing that I was given. Create something that will go with the beautiful, perfect melody of love, affection and life that Yunho had written. I have to create a soul for the beautiful body that he had made from his talents.
[IIt's been so long, baby
So many hours, so many days
I have these words in my heart that I would still like to say to you
Saranghaeyo Saranghaeyo[/i
How long has it been since I've known him? How long has it been since I've been in love with him? Better yet, this is his song, how long has it been since he's known me? Love me? Wanted me to be with him?
What does he feel for me? How does it feel for a guy? What does he feel when he's on the stage? What does he feel when he knows I'm not down there cheering him on like all the other girls in the crowd? Is he as alone as he feels? Does he feel the loneliness that I felt when I was gone and mourning? Does he feel all of it? Or does his passion for music hide the pain that he feels?
[iStanding on a lonely stage
The spotlight elongating my shadow
The music repeats our shared sadness
Every time I sing in a concert[/i
Imagine, how he feels in front of all those fans. Imagine, how he feels when he's out there, knowing full well that I won't be there. How is it, that he can't cry in front of all those fans? Where does that strength come from?
[iTap... tap, tap tap...[/i
I hate writer's block. If there's something in this world that I hate, it's the giant invisible blockage in my brain any time I need to get something done, it's the invisible wall that's so tall and intimidating, an insurmountable wall of just nothing.
But I have to get over it, climb past that wall and make it to the other side.
I have to make it, so that this child of our, this brain child, this being that had started because of our bond can live. I have to make it. I want the people to hear this, know the pain that we suffered, I want them to hear our heartaches when we were separated. And I want them to know, the uncertainty of love, how painful it is. I want to know what it feels like to truly love someone.
[iI cannot just forget that you won't be there tomorrow
In my heart, we'll never be apart In my heart, we'll never be apart
Residues of the fragrance left on my hand reminds me
The promise I left in the memories we made[/i
It's funny, how he's never taken a single picture of the two of us together. It's funny how just the memory of being together is enough. It's funny how there's never really been the need for little souvenirs of our time together. We only need each other, it's a mutual understanding that memories that aren't recorded are the ones that are most remembered. It's odd, how we've only known each other for such a short amount of time, but at the same time, we understand so much about each other.
Dear God, I haven't talked to you in a while, I know. But, I just want to know, why is it that only good people have bad things happen to them? Why is it in general that bad things happen in the first place when you made this whole world good? Do you think you could ever tell me why?
But God, even though you and I haven't had the greatest relationship in the whole world, I still want to thank you for being there even though right now, I'm sure I'm just thinking to the air. I want to thank you for making this all happen for me.
So that I can write this farewell poem to the world.
[iSaranghaeyo means "I love you"
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound
I will love you, and forever more[/i
A poem filled with the pain of leaving, a poem filled with the will, the want, the urge to be with the one that we all love, that is what I write. A poem, a farewell poem that speaks to everyone and everything that has ever loved and lost whether it be friend, family, lover, or animal, we all love and we all cannot live without it, just as we cannot live without loss.
We all grow up to learn things, we learn what we dislike, what we abhor, what we hate the most in the world, and then we learn what we like, what we treasure, what we love. It's all a process that we as humans go through, we learn to hold on and we learn how to love someone or something above life itself. But in the end, we all must learn how to let go.
Even if it's painful, even if it tears our hearts apart and makes us wish that we had never learned to do something such as to care, we learn to let go, and we learn how to move on. We learn how to move on and accept our impermanence in this world.
[iEvery part of me belongs to you Saranghaeyo means "I love you"Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound
I will tell only you I will love you, and forevermore I will love you, and forevermore
Oh, baby, I will love you because I belong to you
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
I love you because I belong to you
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt that I love.
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
[/i
But even though we are impermanent, even though we as humans wither away, the aspect of love is so strong in our hearts and in our minds that we tirelessly work towards being together no matter what the circumstances. We all run towards our princes and wish that they'll catch us when we fall.
That's the most that any of us can wish for in our lives.
"Hey... What are you doing here lounging around?"
"I'm not lounging, Hankyung, I'm uh... pondering the aspect of writing a beautifully created piece of work for another beautifully created piece of work."
"You're not making any sense."
"I'm helping Yunho write the lyrics to his song."
"Can I see?"
"... No."
"Why not?"
"Because I said so."
"Oh come on now, what's so wrong about it? You're willing to let him see it but not me?"
"Exactly, it's his song, not yours."
"You're mean."
"Haven't we established this a long time ago?"
"I just like saying it."
"Hmm... I can tell. So let me think. Since you're back already probably means that my child's back as well. I'm surprised I haven't been att-----"
"MOMMY! SUNGMIN IS HOME!!!!!"
"I spoke too soon."
"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Let's go bake cookies for daddy when he comes home!"
"... I'm almost afraid of doing that, considering I heard that you nearly burned down your own apartment over the three days I was gone."
"But!! How else are we going to celebrate?!"
"No idea... Why don't you come up with something? You're the one who thought of it in the first place."
"But I don't WANNA think of something else!"
"Well, too bad for you."
"Come on! With you around, we should be able to make cookies without burning the place down."
"Uhm... Do we even have the ingredients needed to make cookies in the first place?"
"... Good question, do we?"
"How should I know? This is Yunho's apartment."
"How'd you guys get in here in the first place?"
"We used the front door."
"Okay then."
"Hey! Daddy Yunho's back!"
"When did you two become mother and father to that child?"
"I have no idea myself. I think it involved a red paper, some cake, and a very groggy, sleep deprived me."
"That might just explain a lot of it."
"Daddy! Daddy! Did you bring me something from work?"
"That interview sure went fast."
"Yeah, about that... we sorta... got canceled, SM didn't want us appearing for some odd reason, something to do with the politics of the station and what not"
"Okay. Sounds good enough to me. That means I get to spend more time with you."
"And the rest of this demented family that somehow appeared. How DID you guys get in?"
"Apparently through the front door and not the fire escape. Or, at least, that's what Hankyung's told me."
"He's a trustworthy guy."
"We'll be taking our leave now and leaving you two love birds alone."
"But I don't wanna leave! Daddy just got back!"
"Right, and it's time to give you your bottle and go to bed."
"Mommy! Why do you have to be so mean!"
"It's late. You're young, and last time I checked, children need sleep."
"You're mother has a point. Let's get out of here before we have issues waking up tomorrow."
"Fine. Be that way."
"Good night, Sungmin, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Good night, Mommy! Good night, Daddy!"
"I wonder when he's going to get out of this mother, father stage..." Yunho pouted slightly looking at the door that had just closed and the two Super Junior members had left the apartment. "He makes me feel so much older than I should be."
"Who knows, it's cute."
He's so cute when he sulks. It's so funny how he's older than me and yet, still, he acts like a child. It's so cute that I have to play along with him as the 'mother' figure just to get him to do something. Maybe he misses his parents. Maybe he's homesick, whatever it is, it's almost a comforting feeling that he clings onto like such a child. I once told myself that I would hate children, but I suppose this overgrown one isn't too bad.
"So, how did the song writing go?"
"Here's what I have."
[IIt's been so long, baby
So many hours, so many days
I have these words in my heart that I would still like to say to you
Saranghaeyo Saranghaeyo
Standing on a lonely stage
The spotlight elongating my shadow
The music repeats our shared sadness
Every time I sing in a concert
I cannot just forget that you won't be there tomorrow
In my heart, we'll never be apart In my heart, we'll never be apart
Residues of the fragrance left on my hand reminds me
The promise I left in the memories we made
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound
I will love you, and forever more
Every part of me belongs to you Saranghaeyo means "I love you"Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound
I will tell only you I will love you, and forevermore I will love you, and forevermore
Oh, baby, I will love you because I belong to you
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
I love you because I belong to you
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny
Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt that I love.
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
Saranghaeyo means "I love you"
[/i
A small smile graced his face when he read the words. There was a silence for a moment, I swear I could hear my own heart beating against my chest. I could have sworn I could have died that moment. I could have sworn anything could have happened then.
Anything except for what was to happen next.
He cried.
"Hey... wait, what's wrong?"
"It's beautiful. It really is. I'm only sad that I have to screw it up with my music."
"It should be the other way around. Now quit crying, you're going to start making me cry too."
"But what if I want you to cry? What if I want you to cry so I can hold you and hug you and comfort you in your time of need?"
"What if it didn't matter if I'm crying or not? I'm fine with you just hugging me too."
"Really? Are you serious?"
"If I wasn't serious, then would I have suggested it in the first place?"
"You've got a point. But really, this is beautiful. Just like you."
I had no response to those words. I don't think I ever will have a response to those words. I didn't have a response to what he said and did next either.
"Yashi, I know that we've only been together for a really short amount of time. And I know you're probably skeptical about all of this. But, I just want to let you know that I love you with all my heart and my soul." He got onto one knee from where I was sitting, and looked up before continuing to speak. "I know that we started out really rough, I think the first words that I ever said to you was 'you bitch', and I regret ever saying those two words to you...But I don't regret ever meeting you, I don't regret every moment that I've known you. And most of all, I don't regret loving every moment that you've been in my life. It all amounts to these last few words that I want to say to you, and the lyrics of the song say it so well for me. Saranghaeyo, means 'I love you.' Yashi Mogami, will you marry me?"
[I "Will you marry me?"[/i
He produced a small velvet box from his pocket. From the look in his eyes, he was completely sincere, but his history with love made me worry. He had gotten over his first girlfriend so easily, what were the chances that he would do the same to me?
"Please, I know that my previous choices in women and how much I loved them haven't exactly been the best, but for once, I think, I've found the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. Yashi, will you take me for your husband?"
Inside the box was the most gorgeous ring I had ever seen. I had thought the one that he had nonchalantly tossed to me on Christmas was beautiful, but this one, this one was something else. Where as the first ring from so long ago was a cold crystalline sort of beauty, this one shone with the warmth and the strength of his love that I had grown so accustomed to, sparkling heart cut diamond set on a pedestal and bordered with two equally beautiful tear shaped diamonds all engraved in a warm golden band.
It was then when I knew, knew that he was sincere in his words and that he felt how right it was for the two of us to be together. Through all the hardships and heartaches that we've suffered, somehow, the two of us had found a way to love and somehow, just somehow, it felt so right.
"... Yes, Yunho. Yes..."
There weren't any other words that I could get out other than those two. As eloquent as I had trained myself to be, as gifted with a silver tongue as I want to be, I couldn't think of anything else to say. I couldn't hold back the tears of gratitude that I had felt. I couldn't hold back the feeling of being with the man that I had hated so much in the beginning. I just couldn't believe that we could hold a future together, it felt as if my heart could burst from the sheer elation that I felt. I couldn't believe how right this all felt.
"Tell me those are tears of happiness."
"They are, Yunho, they are."
[iSaranghaeyo, I love you, forevermore.[/i