A/N: Well, I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, but no matter how many times I read and rewrite, this is what comes out...so I hope you enjoy it. Thanks so much to those who reviewed the last chapter as well as those who have added this story to their alerts/favorites.
Chapter 36: At Last
EPOV
"Bella?" I asked again.
She seemed to be stuck in her own head and I was starting to worry. My worry quickly turned to fear as she let out gut wrenching sobs and clung to me like I was her life raft.
"Bella, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Talk to me!"
I was starting to panic. She wouldn't talk to me and she wouldn't look at me, keeping her face buried deep in my chest and continuing to tightened her hold on me. I don't know how long we stood there, clinging to one another, but after a while I could hear Bella mumbling. It took me a few moments but I was finally able to decipher her ramblings. 'Where were you...couldn't find you...need you...you're here.'
"Bella, please talk to me. I have to know if you're okay." I was about to reach my breaking point. I wanted to be strong for her but at the same time, my nerves were on edge.
Finally her grip on me loosened and she looked up at me through tear soaked lashes. She was passed the outright sobbing stage and was now trying to get herself under control, causing her to hiccup cry. But I could see a smile threatening to break out on her tear stained face. I could have shouted for joy when she finally stopped crying and started to talk.
"Edward, you're here." She sighed.
"Yes, I'm here. Bella, please tell me what's wrong."
"Nothings wrong Edward. Well not anymore." She said as she started to shiver.
"Let's go to my room. You're shivering and I have a feeling this may take a while. We have a lot to talk about."
In all honesty, I had no idea what was going on, how long it would take to figure out, or even if I was prepared to hear what was going on in her head. I was just so thankful that she had stopped crying and started talking, that I started rambling. But it seemed to calm her down even more.
"Thanks. I'd like that."
She slipped her arm around my waist and held on for dear life as we walked to the dorm. Bella's phone rang as we walked up the stairs.
"It's Alice. She's probably freaking out."
I didn't understand but decided not to push right now. The one sided conversation confused me.
"Hey Alice. No I'm good. Yeah, he's with me. I don't know. Haven't gotten that far yet. How long can you keep him occupied. Okay...stop right there. I don't need the details. I'll call you when I'm on my way back. If it gets too late, Jasper can crash in my bed if he wants. Again, don't need to know the details. ALICE! Yeah, okay. Love you too Ali."
She hung up shaking her head and laughing.
"Your sister doesn't know the meaning of TMI."
"What did she say now?"
"Oh, I don't think you want to know. We are talking about your sister and your roommate/friend. Better if that conversation stays between me and Alice."
She let out a full on belly laugh at the expression on my face. I tried at all cost to avoid anything that would put those images in my head.
"Relax Edward, she was just trying to make me laugh. She's working on a project and Jasper is studying."
I pulled her closer to me as we made our way to my room.
"So can I assume that we aren't under any time constraints?"
"Nope, we can talk all night if we need to. I've got a pass on my lesson tomorrow morning should I need it."
We were in my room now and she had already made herself comfortable on my bed. I had to focus on the conversation ahead of us or my less than pure thoughts were going to get the best of me. The last time we were in my room I got the chance to kiss her and I couldn't help but hope I'd get the chance to feel her lips against mine again at some point tonight. I shook myself out of that train of though, grabbed two bottles of water and turned on my iPod, setting the volume to low. The music seemed to help Bella relax and I had a feeling she would need it for our conversation. I handed her one of the bottles and sat across from her, both of us sitting indian style.
"So, not that I mind finding you outside my dorm...although I didn't like the hysterical crying part, but why were you out there. I thought we were waiting until Friday to see each other." I knew something was wrong but I wasn't sure how else to start the discussion.
"Sorry about the crying thing. I've just had a lot going through my head today and seeing you when I had given up on finding you tonight, well it just caused me to lose it. Really, I'm so sorry for freaking you out." Her cheeks tinted pink at her embarrassment.
"Bella, please don't apologize for that. I just want to know what's going on. What happened to you today? Why were you standing outside my dorm crying?"
I thought she'd take a few minutes to gather her thoughts, as is her typical pattern, but I was wrong. She went from shy quiet Bella, to full on possessed in a matter of seconds. I saw a fire in her eyes that I had yet to be introduced to. I didn't know if I should be terrified or turned on...
"Where were you Edward? I know I don't have a right to be mad because we weren't supposed to see each other until Friday, and I'm not mad, not really, but I've spent the past few hours trying to reach you. I've called and texted your cell, called your room, searched the music building, the library, the cafeteria, walked all over campus. I even staked out your room. The only reason I left from my guard position at your door was because I didn't want to freak out any more kids with my crazy woman act. I was so worried when I couldn't reach you and that only intensified when you didn't return my calls. I came to your room hoping you were here and you never answered the door. Alice didn't know where you were and neither did Jasper. It was like you just vanished." She said in a rush.
I wanted to be angry that she was laying into me but I couldn't. It was obvious that she really needed me and she was freaked out by not being able to find me. I knew she wasn't really mad with me, she was just releasing her pent up frustration. But why hadn't I heard my phone? Oh right...I was in my appointment with Dr. Kym. I must have forgotten to turn my phone back on afterwards. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and my thoughts were confirmed.
"Shit Bella, I am so sorry. I met with Dr. Kym late this afternoon and turned my phone off. I completely forgot to turn it back on afterwards." I told her as I turned my phone on. Sure enough I had a bunch of missed calls and texts. I felt terrible for causing her to worry.
"I'm such an idiot. Edward, I'm so sorry for going all crazy fan girl on you. It's just been an emotional few days and I let everything get to me." She hung her head in shame.
"No worries sweetheart. Let's just start from the beginning. If we're being honest, I was actually planning on finding you tonight, so looks like we are on the same page."
A few minutes of awkward silence passed before she spoke.
"First I just want to thank you for going along with the temporary separation thing. Turns out that it ended up doing something much bigger for me than I originally thought. If I'm being truthful, I hardly had time to think about what we talked about on Sunday. And before you say anything, that isn't a bad thing. I realized that it doesn't matter. I feel like when it comes to me, you, and a relationship; things will be much easier if we work through them together. I spent most of my time just thinking about you, not the situations we were in. So while my initial reasoning for taking time apart to think was pretty pointless, I've had a very productive few days and I'd really like to share that with you."
"There is so much in my head that I need to get out, so if I start rambling or if I'm not making sense, please stop me." She pleaded and I nodded my head in agreement.
"I spent the past few days thinking about you and our situation, not the past but the present one, but most of my focus was on how much I missed you and about how I couldn't wait until Friday so we could stop this nonsensical dance we've been doing. Which leads me to believe, that I never really needed the time to think through things in the first place. I was listening to my head and trying to be analytical about everything and being my overly cautious self instead of listening to my heart and just letting go. I should know by now that the heart tends to be smarter than the head, at least in my case. It was never you that I needed to time think about. I've always been an over thinker and I just thought the 'right' thing to do was take time to process the situation. Hell I even convinced everyone else of that too, for the most part. I know you didn't really like the idea, even if you agreed to it." She smiled.
I had to laugh at that because it was the truth. She really did convince everyone of that. I agreed to the separation because I thought that's what she needed, not necessarily because that's what I wanted, although I will admit that at the time I agreed with her to a point. We were both on an emotional roller coaster and I agreed we needed some time, but not five whole days.
"So I'm sorry for that Edward. I hope I didn't cause you to doubt my feelings for you."
"Bella, stop apologizing. Whether you really needed the time or not, it's obvious that something positive happened during the past three days, so in the end it was worth it, right?"
"You're right." She said giving me a breath taking smile. I swear I felt my heart leap to my throat. Even with her red and puffy eyes, she was still stunning.
I wanted to ask her about where we stood now. I knew that I wanted her and I knew that she wanted me, so where did that leave us? The need to blurt it out was becoming unbearable. It was on the tip of my tongue and I opened my mouth to speak but she stopped me.
"It's scary how well I can read you Edward." She laughed. "We'll get to that, I promise. But I really want to share with you what else has happened."
"I can agree to that under one condition."
"Conditions...already...my your demanding. But let's hear that condition." She giggled.
"Can I kiss you again?" I smiled and I could feel the blush creeping up my cheeks but I just didn't care. I'd been thinking about kissing her again for the past three days.
"Well this rings of deja vu. I'm sure you can figure out how this plays out." She smirked.
"Oh Miss Swan. You are a dangerous creature." I closed the distance between us and she met me half way. I wanted so badly to kiss her all night, but I knew we had things to talk about. However, the minute her lips touched mine, all rational thought left my head.
Ten minutes later we were laying side by side on my bed, both flushed and breathing heavy from our mini make out session.
"Sorry. I've been thinking about that since we left my room Sunday night."
"Do you hear me complaining Cullen?" And I couldn't help but smile at her. She was so beautiful in that moment; flushed cheeks, bright eyes and all. She was gorgeous and mine. Whether we had made it official or not, she was mine just as much as I was hers. But I'd let her get to that when she was ready.
"Now where were we?" I asked as she sat back up.
"You...you need to move to the other side of this bed or we'll never get through this. Hell, I don't even know if the other side of the bed will help much. Just...just...Cullen just keep your lips to yourself for the time being." She stammered but smiled to let me know she was teasing.
Yep my ego grew about three sizes and as much as I wanted to stay right next to her, I obliged her and resumed my original position across from her. While she was getting comfortable, her stomach growled.
"Hungry?"
"I guess I am. I didn't have supper tonight."
"Me either. Want me to order a pizza?"
"That sounds great."
I noticed Bella pulling stuff out of her messenger bag while I was calling in the pizza order.
"Pizza will be here in 30 minutes."
"Good, that should be just enough time for us to look at this." She said while holding up a large book.
"This is the catalyst for my self realizations. Katie made this for me for my birthday. She also included a letter, that I'll let you read later. I didn't open this until last night and it rocked my world. She has always had a way of making me see things in a clearer light. Especially things that I don't want to see. For example...my guilt. Everyone has told me that I don't need to hold onto the guilt of what happened. They know it wasn't my fault, hell I know it wasn't my fault but sometimes it's just hard to let it go. I guess I've always felt that the guilt was my burden to carry, almost like a stone around my neck so that I'd never forget what happened, my connection to it all. I think...I think I was afraid of what would happen if I let that go, that it would lessen what we went through. Does that make any sense?"
"I think so. I think you hold on to the guilt because although you know you can't blame yourself, on some level you still feel like what happened is your fault. And you feel like you should take some type of responsibility and guilt is the way you do that. If you let go of the guilt, in your mind, you are letting go of any responsibility for what happened and, at least up until now, you haven't been ready to let go of it."
"You really do understand me, don't you? Well Katie found a way to help me see that it is okay to let go. I'll tell you more about that, but first I want to share this with you. You told me last time we were here that you wanted me to share Katie and Elizabeth with you, so here you go." She said as she laid the book in her lap.
"This book documents the friendship between me, Katie, Elizabeth, and Jake almost from the very beginning." She handled the book like it was a precious artifact and I guess in a sense it was.
It was an amazing piece of work. I could tell how much love and attention Katie had put into it. I loved seeing the pictures of a young Bella, especially the ones of her at the piano. She looked so right on that bench...even if her feet wouldn't reach the pedals yet. Watching her grow up with her three best friends was pretty touching. I knew she and Jake were close, but it was easy to see that the depth of friendship that they shared was only magnified when the four of them were together.
Katie had documented so many important moments in their lives; first sleepovers, recitals, holidays, dances, vacations, prom, graduation; but the most memorable aspect of the book was the tribute to Elizabeth. I was having trouble holding back the tears as I read the poem that Bella, Jake, and Katie had written for her. Bella wasn't having as much luck. Her tears fell freely. The last page made me smile though. It was easy to see how much these girls adored Jake. And even easier to see the love that Jake had for them. I mean, how many nine year old boys willingly spent their time with a group of girls. I didn't think it was possible, but my respect for Jacob Black grew even more after watching him grow up with his three best friends.
"This is amazing Bella, something truly irreplaceable."
"Yeah, I know. Even more so than most would think. The time, love, and energy she devoted to this is incredible. The pictures and mementos are irreplaceable, but the things it put in motion are truly priceless, at least to me. It made me remember so many good things. It also helped me to realize that Elizabeth would be terrible disappointed in me. Disappointed because I'm dwelling on things I cannot change, for still feeling responsible, and for refusing to let go of all the guilty feelings I'm holding on to. My guilt goes deeper than just with what happened that night. I feel guilty for moving here and starting school, for enjoying music, for having and continuing to cultivate life long friendships, for having legs that work...for being alive. This book and Katie's letter made me understand just how wrong that is and how much I'm belittling the life Elizabeth had."
Her guilt for being alive startled me and then scared me. I didn't want to think about a world where she didn't exist. That thought caused my stomach to clench and my heart to beat faster. I was anxious to find out what the book and letter made her realize and I was getting ready to ask her to explain when my phone rang. It was the pizza delivery person letting me know they were waiting downstairs.
"Here, read this. I think you'll have a better understanding after you do. I'll go get the pizza. My treat. No arguments. Now read." She demanded.
I read and then reread the letter three times before she made it back with the pizza. It was powerful and spot on. It made me appreciate Katie even more and I really could not wait to meet her. Bella started putting slices on plates and grabbed two more bottles of water. We settled on the floor to eat.
"So as you can see, she pretty much gave me a verbal ass kicking. She's good for that. It's probably why I've been avoiding talking to her for the past month. She knows me well enough to know what I was doing and feeling and I knew that she wouldn't stay quiet about it for much longer. She played her cards well by paring up the scrapbook with that letter. She'd fit in perfectly with our group of friends. It seems that each and everyone of our friends has a talent for being able to read a situation and offer the most appropriate advice or offer the best gesture."
I thought for a minute and had to agree. She continued, voicing the same thoughts I was having.
"Alice can read people and situations like no one I've ever known. She just radiates trust and true friendship. I couldn't believe how quickly I opened up to her when we met. But I just knew that I needed to be honest with her and that I could trust her fully. She's more than my best friend. I feel like she's my sister, but so much more at the same time. She's my friend soul mate, much the same as Jake is. Trusting Alice was one of the best decisions I've made in the past two years. Rosalie, despite her own perfection, makes others see the beauty in themselves; both inside and out. She's also fiercely protective and a rock when others need to lean on her. Angela doesn't say much but her kindness speaks volumes for the person she is. She never pries but makes sure you know that she is there should you need her. Just like a mother would."
"Then there are the guys. Jake...well I don't really need to get into that. I think it's pretty obvious what he has brought to my life. Emmett is the humor and light heartedness that everyone needs, yet I have a feeling that underneath that teddy bear exterior, he is the most protective one of all. He knows how to break the tension of a situation but he also knows when he needs to be serious. And Jasper is the calm during the storm. No matter what emotions are raging through you, he can always do or say something that makes the situation...better. He is also extremely easy to talk to."
"Another thing about our group...each couple compliments each other. Jasper is the calm to Alice's storm. Where as Alice has no problem offer up her opinion and advice, Jasper waits for you to approach him before speaking his mind. Emmett is easy going and light hearted to Rosalie's seemingly tough and hard exterior. But underneath Rosalie is the sensitive to Emmett's toughness. Angela is the the quiet observer to Jake's overwhelming large presence. But much like Rose and Em, Jake is very sensitive to the core whereas Angela has a tough interior. Sometimes I have to believe that fate really does exist. I mean, how else can so many people that are just 'right' for each other, end up being integral parts of each others lives?"
I couldn't help but marvel at her assessments. She is an extremely perceptive person. But I did notice that she failed to mention either her or myself.
"What about us?" I asked hesitantly.
"I'm still figuring 'us' out. But here's what I know so far. I think, for me at least, you are a combination of all of the above. You make me feel safe, hopeful, significant, beautiful. I feel like you trust me, that I'm deserving of your friendship. For the first time in a long time you make me feel worthy of the good things I've been blessed with in my life. Because of you I'm starting to let go of the guilt of moving on and I actually believe that I do deserve happiness. You helped me breakdown walls that I thought would stay standing for a long time if not the rest of my life. Crumbling those walls was the first step in really dealing with what happened. I'm actually looking forward to what the future holds for me...and more importantly what it holds for...us. As for what 'part' we play in the group dynamic, well I'm not sure. So far I haven't really had to be there for anyone. I've just been the very lucky recipient of their talents, for lack of a better word."
"But if I had to name our part in the group...well I think it would be the strength that we've both had to develop due to the things we've been through. We have the ability to be strong for others, even if we can't find the strength for ourselves. I think we can also bring hope that no matter what happens, you can rise above it. I think you are a fierce friend and extremely insightful. You also have a big heart, obvious by your desired career path. You want to help heal people. I mean, look at what you've done for me. You were even a healer at a young age. Alice told me what you did for her that day at the children's home. And I have a feeling your plea for Jessica to get help may have fallen on receptive ears."
This girl sure does know how to render me speechless. She gazed into my eyes and I knew she understood everything I was feeling.
"I'm sorry Edward. I keep getting off topic. I do want to discuss us, but I really do want to get through the rest of this first."
We had finished our pizza by now and found ourselves back on my bed, mirroring each others position. I had to fight the urge to pull her closer to me, but I knew where that would lead and as much as I wanted that, she needed to get this off her chest. So like the gentleman my mom raised, I kept my distance.
"Needless to say, last night was a tough night. Jake was with me for a while and then Alice came home. I have a feeling Jake called in reinforcements, but I'm glad he did. I was able to share this with Alice and just like always, she knew exactly what I needed. My sleep was very restless. I had the strangest dreams; I'll tell you about them someday, but even in my state of sleep I knew my brain was trying to work through some issues and when I woke up this morning, despite how tired I truly was, I knew today was going to be a good day...a great day. My mind was ready to process everything and had pretty much already decided what I needed to do. I skipped all my classes today in order to take care of business."
She proceeded to tell me about her phone calls to her parents as well as her one to Dr. Kym. She told me about her session and some of the things that were discussed. Then she dropped a bomb on me.
"The biggest realization that I came to was that I need to go back to Phoenix and face my demons head on, and I need to do it soon. I'm going back over Fall Break."
I think I turned three shades of white; if that's even possible. Fall Break is only a few weeks away.
"Bella, are you sure you're ready for that? I just don't want you to rush into something that may set you back."
"I don't know if I'll ever be completely ready but it's something that I have to do. Dr. Kym agrees and she says that if I think I'm strong enough than she supports my decision."
"Then I am behind you 100 percent. Are you going by yourself?" I asked, almost hoping she'd ask me to go with her.
"No. Jake and my dad are going to go with me. I thought about asking you and Alice to come too, but this is something that I need to do alone. Well not completely alone, but I need to make peace with that part of my life before getting my new life involved...if that makes any sense at all."
And it did. I understood that she wanted to face her past and really put things behind her, before trying to combine the two parts of her life.
"I do have a favor to ask of you though and please feel free to tell me no if you aren't comfortable with it." She stated nervously.
"As long as I don't have to pretend Em or Jake's significant other, I think I can handle it." I joked, hoping to lift her mood. It worked.
"Damn...well in that case. But in all seriousness, would you be willing to join me for a session or two with Dr. Kym? Maybe even more?"
I was momentarily stunned silent because this was one of the things I was going to ask her.
"Bella, it really is scary how in tune we are with each other. I actually asked Dr. Kym the same thing today. That would probably account for the smirk that crossed her face when I asked her. So, yes I'd be more than willing."
"That's great Edward. Thank you so much. Sounds like you may have had a productive day as well."
"I did. But I'll get to that once you're finished."
She nodded then seemed to get lost in her thoughts; something I was learning that she did when she trying to make a decision about something.
"Bella, you know you can talk to me about anything right? Same rules apply today as they did on Sunday. Nothing you say will make me change my mind." That seemed to work.
"Edward, I know we haven't officially talked about this thing that is going on between us yet, but I feel it's only fair to warn you about some potential issues before we get deeper in. And please don't think I was keeping this from you on Sunday. In all honesty, I never even thought about it until after. It's one of those things I didn't think I'd have to deal with for a long time if at all and I just didn't think about it at the time." She rambled on.
"Bella, you're rambling." I smiled at her to let her know I was teasing her.
"I know, I'm just somewhat embarrassed to bring this up. But if we are going to continue down this path that we are currently on...well this is something you deserve to know before things go to far...in case...in case you decide you don't want to deal with it. At least if I tell you about it now, you'll have the opportunity to back out."
"You're starting to freak me out Bella, just tell me."
I knew by the tears that were already pooling in her eyes that this was going to be difficult for her...as well as me.
"I left some things out on Sunday when I was telling you about the ordeal with James. Again, it wasn't on purpose. Please believe that." She begged before taking a deep breath.
"I do believe you Bella." And without my consent, my hand reached for her.
"H..he...did..." she stammered out and all I wanted to do was grab her and pull her to me. And my heart clenched at the agony in her voice.
"Shh, Bella. It's okay. You don't have to talk about it. Whatever it is, we'll get through it."
"Edward, he sexually assaulted me." She croaked out in one breath. And I immediately saw red.
"Did that bastard...did he...what did he do?" I just couldn't force myself to think rape, much less say it.
"He didn't rape me. The hospital did a test when I was admitted. I'm still a virgin. But I don't really know everything he did do. I've blocked a lot of it out. I do know he touched me in inappropriate places but again, I draw a blank at how much he actually did."
As relieved as I was about her not being raped, I was still pissed, angry, livid. Didn't that asshole do enough to her? Didn't he take enough away from her? But now was not the time to focus on my feelings. I needed to be there for my Bella.
"Doesn't change anything Bella. I'm not going anywhere." I reassured her the best I could.
"That's not what I'm afraid of Edward. I know you aren't going anywhere. I'm scared about the physical aspects of a relationship. I assume that eventually we are going to move passed kissing and hand holding. I mean we are both 20 year old adults." She flushed pink again.
"Is that not something you want? You have to know I'd never pressure you into something. Matter of fact, you can be in control if that's what you need." And her pink cheeks turned scarlet.
"Edward, that didn't come out right. It is something I want...eventually. But I'm scared that something you do...we do, will cause me to have a flashback or cause those repressed memories to surface. I know you well enough to know that if that happened, you'd blame yourself and place a "being physical" with Bella ban on yourself. And that's something that I don't want to happen...you blaming yourself or the ban." She mumbled.
I'll admit, the thought of her having a panic attack or a flashback while we were in the middle of something did scare me. I wasn't scared for myself but for what that would do to Bella. But I knew if that happened then we would deal with it, together. I'm just glad she is being up front with me. At least now I know what we may face.
"Well then we'll work on it together. I'm guessing that's what the joint session with Dr. Kym will be for?"
"Mostly, but I don't think it would hurt for us to also talk to her about building a strong foundation for our relationship, considering our pasts. Plus she and I discussed some techniques to help me through the physical aspect of our relationship when the times come. But I think we can wait to talk about those. In the meantime. Please don't treat me like I'm made of glass. Let's just be slow in our actions."
"I think that's a wonderful idea. Something I was planning to suggest anyway. Given my past, I'd like to go slow and continue building a strong foundation, just like you suggested. As long as i can keep kissing you, I'll be happy."
"So will I." She giggled.
"So Mr. Cullen. Want to share your day with me?"
"Absolutely Miss Swan. I'd be more than glad to fill you in. My day was a lot like yours actually. I spent our time apart reevaluating some aspects of my life. I didn't spend much time thinking about our situation either, although most of my thoughts were centered on you. I'm just as sure of us today as I was on Sunday. I do have questions, but your answers will do nothing to change my feelings, only satisfy some of my curiosity."
She smiled at me encouragingly.
"Seems like our time apart served a much higher purpose for the both of us then." She stated.
"That it did. I started to realize just how much I've withdrawn myself from life over the past year. I started shutting myself away when Jessica and I started dating. She liked to monopolize my time and never wanted me to do anything without her. The only time I was able to have time to myself was during the time I volunteered and shadowed at the hospital. Again, there was another red flag I ignored. When everything with Jessica blew up, I chose to dive even further in. I've already managed to bank more than half of my required hours for medical school."
"Wow, you must have done nothing more than work, study, eat, and sleep over the past year."
"That about covers it. It dawned on me that I was very much in danger of never really enjoying college. I was so focused on my ultimate goal that I forgot that I'm allowed to have fun. This is supposed to be the time of my life. I have a lot of school ahead of me. I still have three years of pre med, then there is medical school, and that is followed by residency. I don't mean it to sound like I'm going to slack on my studies over the next three years, but I figure it's okay to ease up some on all the extras I've been doing and take the time to enjoy life. So anyhow, I talked with my dad, my advisor, and my mentor today. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to get myself off track. I was also worried about disappointing them, but they were actually really relieved about my change in attitude. See, they've all tried to warn me against burning out. My dad was a little less vocal about it because out of the three, he was the only one who knew the real reason I was burying myself. But he was still worried about me."
Relieved was actually a pretty tame word for what my dad was when I told him about my epiphanies. He was ecstatic and very supportive. As were my advisor and mentor.
"So I'm cutting back on the number of hours I spend shadowing and volunteering. The last few months of last semester, I hardly had any free time, which was the way I wanted it. My daily routine consisted of classes, homework, studying, and shadowing or volunteering. Like I said...no real life. But now that's different. I want to be able to spend time with you." And just like I thought, she immediately started protesting.
"Edward, you don't have to do that for me. I don't want you to screw up your career track for me. I understand how committed you are and would hate for you to change anything because of me. You have to do this for you and for no one else." She pleaded.
"Trust me Bella, I wish I could tell you that this was all for you, but I'm basically a selfish person and I crave being in your presence. So spending time with you IS for me. You were just the catalyst I needed to make me open my eyes and see how quickly life was passing me by and how much I was missing. So thank you for that. I also want to take advantage of the new friendships I've formed as well as live a little and act my age. But yeah, being able to spend more time with you was more than enough reason." She grabbed my hand, squeezing while smiling at me.
"Well I can't say I'll complain about getting to see you more. But we do need to make sure we don't let our desire to be with one another interfere with our studies."
"I agree and I've already thought about that. I figured we can study and do homework together. We can also practice together too. I understand there will be times that we'll each need time to ourselves and that doesn't bother me. I just want to be with you as much as you'll allow me to be. We'll figure it out and make sure that we have a balance between personal, group, and school time."
I was shocked when I felt her fingers under my chin. She pulled my face up so she was looking in my eyes.
"You are absolutely amazing Edward Cullen. You really do want me around, don't you? That's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. You make me feel so special." She said in awe.
"That's because you are special Bella. You deserve so much, much more than me, but I'm sure as hell happy that it's me you want. And I will do everything possible to make and keep you happy."
I hardly had time to blink before she launched herself on me. Our lips collided in a heated kiss that I felt to the tips of my toes. I could feel her gratitude, elation, and hope in that kiss. I also felt...love? Could she? But I quickly squelched that notion. It was too soon for that and even though I'm pretty sure I love her, I didn't want to rush things and scare her off. I hated to end such a spectacular kiss, but I really wanted to get through this conversation so that we could move forward with a clean slate.
I slowly ended the kiss and watched as her eyes opened to stare into mine. I pushed a piece of hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek.
"As much as I'd really like to continue that, we'll never get through this conversation if you don't stay on your side of the bed...your rules." I smirked and chuckled.
She gave me a death glare, well tried to, before full out giggling at me.
"Touche. Okay, I'll try to tamper down any further outburst, for now anyway." And her eyes sparkled with mirth. "Really, I'll behave. I'm just as anxious as you to get through this."
I told her a little bit more about my talk with my dad, advisors, and mentor. She started asking questions about volunteering at the hospital and what it entailed. I assured her that I'd give her all the details at a later time. As much as I loved volunteering and as important as it was, I was anxious to get on with our talk.
"I had a late session with Dr. Kym today. I made the appointment last minute, so I had to take what was open. But I knew I needed to see her. I spent the past few days thinking about you, relationships, our unique circumstances, my family. Well pretty much everything. I realized there are things I need to work on to ensure that any relationship I'm in works; whether it's romantic, familial, or platonic. The biggest aspect of myself that I need to improve upon is my ability to communicate. I have a feeling, and Dr. Kym agrees, that had I been better at communicating, things with Jessica may not have gotten to the extreme that they did. Well the lack of communication combined with my hesitancy to really open up. I don't like to rock the boat, so when I started noticing problems in my relationship with Jessica; I just let it go. I didn't want to disrupt the status quo. To me it was easier to live in blissful ignorance than to face the cold hard reality of things."
"I've been working on that late, but as you well know...I still have a long ways to go. Had I been more open when we first met and more willing to communicate, we may have been able to avoid the whole 'Anthony' 'Marie' situation. Sunday probably would have been handled a bit differently too." I shot her a shy smile.
"Edward, you can't take all the blame for those situations. It was just as much my fault. I mislead you when we first met and I ran from you on Sunday...well not you per say, but I ran from the thought of you regretting and rejecting me. So I think the communication thing is something we can work on together."
"Bella, I think you're right, but I've come to learn you usually are. I really would like you to attend some therapy sessions with me. I agree with you that it can only help. There's more that I have to work on besides better communication and being more willing to open up to others. I also have control issues. I know it seems like a bit of a contradiction considering I chose to ignore what was going on with Jessica, but even in my choosing to be ignorant; in my mind, that was me controlling the situation. But my control issues go much deeper than that. I've maintained control in every aspect of my life. When I first started playing the piano, I would make up songs. The feeling of creating was exhilarating. I later determined that it was just as much the rush of controlling what the piano was doing as much as it was the actual creating. I mean, I made the piano sing for me. If I had a bad day, it was the one thing that I knew I could make do exactly what I wanted it to do. I know this all sounds crazy..."
"But it doesn't Edward. I completely understand. Music is so freeing and uplifting but it's also a powerful aphrodisiac. Especially when you are able to take something made of wood and string and make it come to life. I came ot relish that feeling. Then I learned how to manipulate a wooden tube that was full of holes. I was fascinated by the fact that I could play middle C five times and produce five different sounds...all by manipulating how much pressure I used on the key, the type of stroke I used, by adding pedals to the mix. The same is true of playing the clarinet. The note changes depending on how much airflow you are pushing through the body, how you hold your diaphragm, the type of reed you use, how much pressure you place on the reed. Even the way you hold your mouth and tongue can change the sound. So believe me, I understand. That's why I stopped playing for so long after Elizabeth died. I had lost control over all other aspects in my life and I was terrified of losing my last grip on reality. I figured if I refused to play, then I could still claim I was still in control of at least that aspect of my life. You can imagine my grief and devastation when I finally did try to play, only to find out I couldn't."
I was in awe. She really does get me, better than anyone I've ever known. That's one of the big reasons I didn't compose for so long after Jessica. I couldn't help but smile at her. I was hoping my next revelation would let her know just how much she meant to me.
"Wow, you really are something. I didn't think anyone would understand how creating music offers the control I so often crave. I think, well no, I know my desire to control things is a result of my parents death. It was completely senseless and out of their control. For so long I felt that as long as I could control the things in my life, I wouldn't have to deal with that type of grief again. And although the situation with Jessica doesn't come close to comparing to losing my parents, it still hurt. I've never wanted to give up that control ever again." I breathed out a heavy breath.
"But with you...I don't feel the need to control or to shut myself off. I feel so completely and utterly peaceful around you. I'm not scared or worried about what letting go will result in. It excites me. I don't know how you did it, but you have managed to break me; and that's pretty great in my opinion. I thought I'd have a hell of a time trusting again too, but with you there is no question. I trust you completely. That's not to say my 'issues' won't rear their ugly heads in the future. I mean, look at what I did on Sunday, but you have to know that my reaction had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. But no matter what, I know that I can get through anything as long as you are there. I won't allow my insecurities come between us." I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my chest. That was probably one of the most heartfelt and truthful statements I'd ever made.
I looked up to find big fat tears rolling down Bella's cheeks and a huge smile across her lips. Her bottom lip started to tremble when she tried to speak. She took a few minutes to compose herself before speaking.
"You know, I feel the same way. We have different issues that affect us but just knowing that you will be there with me, makes it all seem insignificant. Well maybe insignificant isn't the right word to use. Bearable and surmountable are probably better terms. Like you, I can't promise that my issues won't try to take me over at some point, but I know it will be okay. You'll be there with me, helping and guiding me through them...at least I hope you'll be there." She stated while looking towards her lap.
"Bella, I may not be able to promise you that I'll never screw up or always make the right decisions. I know there will be times that I'll piss you off and make you cry. We'll fight, we'll argue, we'll make up. But I will always strive to make you happy even if making you happy 100% of the time is impossible. I know that there will times that I won't be able to devote as much of my time to you as I want and vice versa. But Bella, the one thing that I can promise you with absolute certainty and no hesitation is that I'll always be here for you, in whatever capacity that you wish me to be. And since we are laying it all out on the line I have a confession to make. You're friendship has been the greatest of my life so far. You have become one of the most important parts of my life and you have done it without effort and in such a short amount of time. I know we belong in each other's lives. But I'm hoping you see me as more than just your friend. And just so you know, this isn't a short term desire for me. I'm in this for the long haul." I confessed. I heard her sharp intake of breath before she spoke.
"Silly Edward. Of course I see you as more than just my friend. What do you think we've been doing over the past few days...hell the past few weeks? I'm sorry if you were doubting that." She laughed.
"Hey, can't blame a guy for wanting absolute clarification. I'm sorry Bella, I guess that's my insecurities speaking."
"I understand Edward. Really I do. I know your relationship with Jessica has skewed your perception and you are scared of misreading situations. So let me make it perfectly clear. Edward Cullen, I want nothing more than to be more than just your friend. I want to be with you...in a relationship with you. One that isn't platonic. Oh and since we're being completely honest...I'm not a short term type of girl. From the moment I first saw you, I was drawn to you. So I'm all in." She grinned and my heart started beating erratically.
I knew this was the direction our conversation was heading in but I couldn't help the shit eating grin that I was now wearing. To Bella's surprise, I jumped off the bed and ran over to my desk. I pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen. After writing down what I wanted, I walked back to Bella and gave her the paper. She looked at me curiously and then back to the paper and immediately fell over laughing. She reached up and grabbed the pen from me and started writing. When she was finished she handed it back to me with a smile that matched mine. Her eyes were sparkling with happiness. I read her response and immediately attacked her lips.
The fire alarm blaring brought me back to the present.
"You have got to be kidding me." I exclaimed.
"Guess we have to vacate the premises." She huffed.
"Yeah, I guess. Do you have to go back yet? I still want to talk some more."
"No. I'm not ready to say good night yet. How about we walk to the coffee shop?"
"Great idea."
Fifteen minutes later we each had a hot chocolate and a pastry to share. The coffee shop wasn't the place to ask my questions so I suggested walking back to my car and driving around. She agreed and we drank our drinks and ate our pastry on the way to my car. Once in the car, I picked out some soft music and started driving to no where in particular.
"Bella, is it okay if I ask you some questions? If you don't want to answer them, that's perfectly okay. It's just some things I was curious about." I knew some of these questions would be hard for her to answer.
"Of course, Edward. That was, after all, part of the reason we took a few days apart. Please feel free to ask me whatever you need to. And I'll do my best to answer."
"One of the things I thought about over the past few days was why it took me so long to go to therapy. I was just wondering why it took you so long?"
"Well that's a loaded question." She chuckled.
"I'm sorry. You don't have to answer it."
"No, it's fine. Really. It's not a simple answer though. I wasn't in any shape, mentally or physically, after it all happened to talk to anyone. While I was in the hospital, my mom had a therapist stop by to talk to me, a few actually, but I was too far gone in my own head to even acknowledge their presence. I almost felt like my mind was fractured. There was too much for me to absorb and I guess I just refused to even try to process it. Once I was released from the hospital I focused on getting better physically and finishing school. I avoided thinking about what happened at all cost. Of course, it got pretty difficult to do that once I went back to school. No one ever approached me about what happened but it was evident in their faces...curiosity, pity, sadness...even blame."
Blame...that one threw me.
"Blame?"
"Yeah. I don't think anyone outright blamed me; it was more of a guilt by association thing. I was the catalyst for it all. Even though Elizabeth and Katie weren't close with many people at school, their circle of friends and acquaintances was larger than mine. I learned quickly that in situations such as those, it's easier to deal with the pain and reality if there is someone to blame. Like I said, no one ever said anything to me, but I knew. That's when Jake became even more protective of me. The fact that I avoided Katie as much as possible only fueled the thoughts. I mean, I blamed myself so it was easier for others to as well. Katie did her best to squash those ideas too, but you know how the group mentality works. Once someone spoke their thoughts out loud, it just kind of caught on. Again, no one out right blamed me, but they seemed to think I was somehow responsible."
I felt angry at those stupid kids. How could they be so ignorant? I had a feeling that those looks of blame and guilt from others only enhanced Bella's own feelings of responsibility. I wonder how much more damage they caused her than she needed to feel?
"I managed to go on with life the best I could until graduation, but I crashed afterwards. The tribute they did for Elizabeth broke down the little control I had developed. It was after that night that I confined myself to my room. I gave up. I don't know how long I went on like that for, but Jake eventually got tired of walking on eggshells. My mom, Phil, and even my dad wouldn't push me. They just let me be. Jake got sick of it. He eventually broke down my door one day and refused to let me suffer alone. That's when he started to become a permanent fixture in my house. He practically moved in with me. My parents and his dad never even gave it a second thought. They knew we only viewed each other as brother/sister and best friends. Even if we didn't, it was obvious I wasn't in any shape to take advantage of a guy sharing my bed."
Instinctively my spine stiffened and I felt the jealousy boil up. Jasper's warning quickly flitted through my mind and I shut that shit down quick. Bella, being extremely perceptive, picked up on it though. She smiled at me and I relaxed instantly.
"I hope you know that you have absolutely nothing to worry about as far as Jake is concerned...or any other male for that matter. He is and always will be my best friend, my best friend soul mate. Without him, I don't function, but I have never and will never see him as anything more."
"I know. Honestly I do. I have nothing but the utmost gratitude and respect for Jacob. I'm sorry for my momentary instance of caveman like behavior. Just natural instinct when a man hears about his other half sharing her bed with another man...no matter the context. I am so thankful that you have him in your life. You know, that's one thing Jasper spent a great deal of time pressing upon me. He told me that if for some reason I ever felt the need to be jealous of Jake that I probably wouldn't like the outcome if I ever made it an issue. That if you had to choose between the two of us, I'd probably be disappointed."
"Jasper is a smart man, but I would hope I'd never have to choose. That would be one of the hardest things I'd ever have to do, so I'd really appreciate it if we never reached that point. Again, there will never be anything romantic between me and Jake...ever. But if at anytime you see or feel something that doesn't sit right with you, please tell me. Ask me about it. Don't jump to conclusions. Jake and I have always been very affectionate with one another. It's second nature to us. Sharing hugs and kisses, innocent chaste kisses, is something we've done our whole lives. It was our comfort. He was like that with Elizabeth and Katie too. We've shared one and only one kiss that wasn't giving in a platonic way and trust me...it was terrible for both of us."
"I can promise you that I will never put you in that position. As long as I'm the one you are sharing your 'not so platonic' kisses with, I'll be happy. Bella, I hope you believe me. I know how important Jake is to you. I hope that he and I can continue building our friendship too. He is a great person, someone that I think I can benefit greatly from."
This made her smile. I knew he was important to her and that if I wanted things to work out with her, I'd have to accept him into my life. The thing is...I'd want to be friends with Jake even if Bella wasn't in the picture. He's the type of friend anybody would want. I'm just glad I'm being given that opportunity.
"So Jake pretty much moved in with me after that day and I vowed to do better for my family. At first I was actually able to function. It started with me venturing out of my room, then to the front porch, and eventually I'd go to Jake's house. But I still avoided the public. I even started visiting Katie some. Jake would take me to her house and we'd watch movies or listen to music. We never talked about what happened or my problem."
"Your problem?"
"Yeah, I discovered shortly before graduation that I was unable to play any instrument. Just the thought of it sent me into an anxiety attack. Only a handful of people knew about it. It was even more devastating for me because I found out around that same time that I had been awarded the full music scholarship. I kept that quiet for a while as well. I couldn't handle anymore disappointment. Anyhow, I eventually agreed to start going to therapy, but that didn't end well. I always found something wrong with the therapist and refused to go back. That or either the therapist would tell my mom that I was unwilling to open up and until I was they couldn't help me. I finally realized that while I was going through the motions of living...I wasn't. And no matter how much I tried to convince others that I was getting better, they knew the truth. Jake helped take the pain away, even if he couldn't fix me. His constant presence was a blessing. Unfortunately, he had to go back to school and I lost my sun and comfort. He still spent as much time with me as he could, but he had a life to live and I refused to let him put it on hold. He would have done anything to help me but I wasn't willing to let him sacrifice himself."
"I handled things the best I could for the first two weeks but I soon started to shut down again. I stopped going out and eventually shut myself up in my room again. I stopped talking to Katie and started ignoring my family again. I lost my appetite and started losing weight rapidly. I was haunted by dark and negative thoughts constantly. I felt worthless and the guilt started to eat me alive. And I slept all the time. It wasn't unusual for me to sleep for fourteen hours a day or more. By the time October rolled around my mom had reached her limit and called my dad in for back up. My weight had dropped to close to 90 lbs and she was freaking out about my health. My dad literally carried me to the doctor. I was admitted to the hospital for a few days to get fluids in me and of course they called for a psychiatric evaluation. It surprised no one when I was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. They gave me meds and sent me home."
"They helped for a while and like a dumb ass, I thought I was getting better so I stopped taking them. I've never like to take pills and I had it in my head I could heal all on my own; without taking any medication or without talking to someone. I'm stubborn. I tried putting on the happy facade for my family so they wouldn't get suspicious and it worked. We found out soon after that the trail date had been set. Up until this point, the plan was for me to enroll into the Spring semester, but once the trial date was set, we knew that couldn't happen. In all honesty, it wouldn't have happened anyway...I still couldn't play. My mom contacted Dr. Smithwick and I was allowed to take one more semester before they revoked my scholarship."
"It was a combination of events that lead me to therapy. They started shortly after Thanksgiving. I had been off my meds for about two weeks and had been spiraling down quickly. Everything came crashing down on me all at once. I wasn't dealing with the holidays very well and I was even more stressed about not being able to play. Then I was stressing over the trial. The guilt was unbearable and the depression was back in full force. I had lost all hope that I'd ever be happy again. I couldn't imagine my life ever getting better. I started thinking that everyone would be better off without me." She finished in a whisper. If I hadn't been paying attention, I would have never heard her.
I had a feeling I knew where this was going but I didn't want to believe it. Luckily we were driving by a park so I pulled in and parked so I could give her my full attention.
"It was a fleeting thought and it was stupid. Something I would never act on. Jake found me sitting in the middle of my bathroom holding a razor blade and crying hysterically. I never intended to do it and Jake knew me well enough to believe me when I told him that. But it scared the hell out of me and it was devastating to Jake. He kept saying over and over that he had already lost one and he wasn't going to lose another. He was terrified to leave me alone. He wanted me to check myself into the hospital but I refused. He threatened to tell my parents but I talked him out of it. It took me hours but we eventually came to a compromise. He started spending nights at my house again and no one gave us any problems about it. He even started rationing out my medicine. For the longest time he wouldn't even let me touch it. I had to open my mouth for him to put the pills on my tongue. After drinking the water to wash them down, he made me open my mouth and hold up my tongue just to make sure I swallowed them." Bella told me as she silently cried.
"So that was a major wake up call for me. But I let Jake take care of me. I knew I was in no shape to do it on my own. Once I started on the med again, the depression lessened and I was able to function again. Soon after that, we started preparations for the trial. It was difficult but I also started to gain a little closure. It also helped me reconnect with Katie."
She went on to tell me about how she ran into Katie at the police station and the events that followed.
"The last thing in the chain of events that lead me to actually wanting to go to therapy was the sentencing. That was more difficult than the trial. But once James's sentence was handed down, I felt a little more free. I knew that it was a combination of things; the meds, the stress of the trial being over, the sentence being handed down, reestablishing relationships; but I finally felt like I could start to move on with my life. That's when I decided that I really wanted to accept the scholarship and pursue music. I'll admit, at first I was more focused on getting rid of the mental block that was preventing me from playing rather than dealing with the mental scars. It took me a little while to realize that it was the mental scars that were keeping me from playing. Dr. Leslie figured out a way to reach me and I've been working on healing ever since. I just thank the powers that be everyday that I he wasn't able to take away my music." And I knew she was talking about James.
She told me about a few of the techniques that her old therapist employed to help her get over her block. Dr. Leslie sounded so much like Dr. Kym so I wasn't surprised when Bella told me they knew one another and that it was in fact Dr. Leslie that set her up with Dr. Kym.
By this time we had made it back to campus and were parked in front of her dorm. We sat in silent contemplation for a while before I noticed that Bella was getting tense.
"Edward? Does this scare you away? I promise I'm not suicidal. I never was. I spent many sessions with Dr. Leslie discussing this. That was me hitting rock bottom and my cry for help, so to speak I'm not depressed anymore either. I was able to go off the depression meds over the summer. I still have a prescription for anti-anxiety pills but I haven't had to take any since I've been here."
She was working herself up and I needed to put a stop to it.
"Bella, calm down sweetheart. I promise this does not scare me away. I've gone through the depression and anxiety attacks as well. I'll admit, the suicide bit does scare me but I believe you when you say you never had any intentions of harming yourself. Besides even if you did then, you aren't that person anymore." I said with as much conviction as possible. I wanted her to understand that I didn't and wouldn't hold that part of her life against her.
"Thank you Edward. You can't know what it means to me to hear you say that."
I reached over to wipe the tears from her eyes and just couldn't help but brush my lips against hers. Of course our luck never holds and my cell phone started ringing.
Alice.
"Yes dear sister?"
"I was just wondering how long you and Bella are going to sit in your car and make out like a bunch of high school kids?" She laughed and I let out a frustrated sigh.
"We'll be up in a minute Alice."
"Actually, I just wanted to let you know that Jazz and I are going for a walk so you and Bella will have the room to yourselves. We'll be back by 11:30."
"Okay Alice. Thanks."
"No problem. We'll be talking soon."
I hung up with her and filled Bella in.
"So, do you want to come up for a little while?"
"Absolutely!" I responded a little to enthusiastically. Her answering giggle warmed my heart.
Her suite was quiet when we walked in. There was a note posted on her door. Angela was already in bed and Rose was with Emmett.
"Oh, I'm cooking supper tomorrow night. Think you can make it?"
"Well Miss Swan, that's a stupid question. If you're cooking...I'm in. So what's for supper?"
"Ummm...well I haven't decided yet. Do you have any suggestions?"
"I certainly won't turn down anything you fix, but your lasagna is mighty tasty." I said hopefully.
"Well lasagna it is. I don't know if I'll have time to make dessert, but I'll try."
We talked for a few minutes about how classes were going and what assignments we were currently working on. She then started giving me some details about dinner with Dr. Smithwick this weekend. And I was actually looking forward to it. It intrigued me to get to know the Dr. Smithwick that Bella knew, because it was pretty obvious that she was someone special to her.
She moved the books from her bed and hooked up her iPod. I think she set it to random because I cannot imagine what type of play list would have Frank Sinatra, Rage Against the Machine, Mozart, and Enya on it. We laid side by side on her bed and just enjoyed being in each others company. She held my right hand between both of hers and traced my palm over and over. My left hand mindlessly played with pieces of her. It was so soft. It seemed now that everything was out in the open, our relationship had reached a new level of intimacy. Because that is what this was. No words were spoken but volumes were being said between the two of us. Each stroke of her fingers against my palm was letting me know that she trusted me and wanted me. And I was conveying the same thing to her with each brush of my hand against her hair.
A massive shudder ran through my body when she lifted my palm to her lips and placed feather light kisses against my skin.
"Thank you." She whispered. And I didn't need an explanation for her thanks.
"Thank you." I replied and she understood just as I did.
The energy that was flowing between us was incredible and I could have basked in it for days. I felt utterly content, like a piece of me that had been missing was finally in place. The urge to tell her how I felt was strong but I was afraid it was too soon for that revelation. I didn't want to scare her away. Hell, I was scared of saying it out loud because it was still hard for me to believe, but underneath it all I knew...I was falling in love with her; no I was in love with her. I knew that there was only one thing that would keep me from blurting it out, so I pressed my lips against Bella's and I was not disappointed. Kissing Bella is an experience that I never want to go without. Her lips were so soft, her mouth so warm. There was no need from either of us to dominate this kiss, instead we sat a slow and building pace. Just enjoying the sensations of lips, tongues, and teeth coming together.
Eventually we both came up for air but I couldn't keep my lips away from her. I gently kissed from the corner of her mouth, down her neck, and then back up to ear. I found a few places along my route that cause her breath to hitch and I filed that in my memory for later use. While I was exploring her neck with my lips and tongue, she was winding her hand through my hair and mapping out her own route along my neck and face. I know I said I wanted to take things slow, but I was quickly learning that taking things slow with Bella was going to take a hell of a lot of will power, but she was worth it. And for the first time in a really long time; I felt that I was worth it too.
We had moved closer together by this point and I gathered her in my arms and held her close. She buried her head in my chest and started humming along to the song that was playing. I knew the song and unconsciously started humming along as well. I was shocked as hell at how good we sounded together. She would harmonize when I took the melody and then we'd switch up. But still neither of us spoke. I had never enjoyed silent pauses with others before. I always felt the need to fill them; whether with something of importance or just asinine chatter. But there was no awkwardness in our silence. There was no need to fill the silence because we were saying everything that needed to be said. It was getting late and I knew we both had busy days tomorrow, so I reluctantly broke our embrace.
"Bella..."
"I know. It's getting late. But I'm not ready for you to leave yet."
"Me either."
Bella started laughing.
"Jeez Edward. We're acting like we'll never see each other again." And I joined in her laughter because she was right.
"I know, but what can I say. I'm enjoying being wrapped around you." And of course she blushed.
"Me too." She stated shyly. "How about ten more minutes?"
"You'll get no arguments out of me." I would have been perfectly content laying beside her for those ten minutes but the next song that started playing left me with another desire. This song was the perfect ending to our night.
"Dance with me?" I whispered.
"Of course."
I wrapped my arms tightly around Bella as we swayed to the music. We weren't dancing so much as we were just clinging to one another, but it was perfect.
At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last
I stared into her eyes for the entirety of the song and she returned my gaze. As the song was coming to an end, I lowered my lips to hers once again and was immediately lost in everything that was Bella.
"Times up." She breathed, sounded disappointed.
"I know. But we'll see each other in a matter of hours. We're still on for coffee in the morning, right?"
"Without a doubt." She smiled. "Let me walk you to your car?"
"No, you stay here. If you walk me to my car, I'll feel the need to be a gentleman and walk you back to your door, and then you'll walk me back to my car...you see the vicious cycle we'll get caught up in?"
"I see your point. Throw in the endless number of good bye kisses...we' never sleep tonight. So I'll see you in the morning then. Be careful getting back to your room."
We were both stalling but there was one more thing I wanted to clarify. I pulled the piece of paper from my pocket that we had written on earlier.
"Bella, you do know I was perfectly serious with this, don't you?" I asked as I held up the paper.
"As was I in my responses." She smiled.
"I'm glad to hear that. You have made me so happy Bella." I kissed her quickly before she could respond. "Okay, I'm really going to go now."
"I'll see you in the morning. And Edward...I'm looking forward to everything. Only you." She smiled and her eyes lit up.
I know I looked like a crazy person walking back to my car. I hardly remember walking to my car, driving back to my dorm, walking to my room, or getting ready for bed. Jasper came in before I crawled into bed and just gave me a knowing smile.
"So...I take it you don't have to wait until Friday anymore?"
"No, no more waiting."
"Things go well I take it?"
"You have no idea."
"Well I'm happy for you."
"Thanks man. I really appreciate everything you've done for me this week. I owe you one."
He waved me off and went to get ready for bed. I took the paper from my bedside table, unfolded it, and read it one more time before going to sleep.
Bella...
Do you like me? Yes or No
Will you be my girlfriend? Yes or No
Will you be my life? Yes or No
Will you be my everything? Yes or No
Edward
All four were circled...Yes.
For you are mine
At last
A/N: So there it is. You know what to do. I would LOVE to know what you thought of this chapter. Also, if there are any questions that you feel I haven't answered concerning what Bella and Edward went through, let me know and I'll do my best to get you the answers.