wise men say
it looks like rain today
it crackled on the speakers
and trickled down the sleepy subway trains
for heavy eyes could hardly hold us
aching legs that often told us
it's all worth it

We All Fall In Love Sometimes

Chapter 36: All The King's Men

"Lily?" he said again. His voice quavered. "What's this?"

"What's it look like?" she said in a soft, strange tone. He looked at her and saw fear on her face. He wondered if she could see the panic on his.

He was only 22. He was a national Quidditch star. He had his whole life ahead of him.

"This can't be happening," he said disbelievingly, staring back into the sink.

He couldn't be a father.

"Think how I feel," Lily said, her voice breaking. She sounded prepared to cry. "That's not even the first one; I spent twelve pounds on that damn thing hoping the first one might be wrong -"

"When were you going to tell me?" James wanted to know, turning with an incredulous expression. "Holy hell, Lily, when did this happen?"

"I just found out," she replied defensively. The lights in the bathroom flickered. "I would've told you – tomorrow, I guess, or when the time was right-"

"Like when you went into labor?" he snapped, and then felt instantly guilty. He had a part in this, after all. It takes two to make a baby, this he was very aware of. "Holy hell," he repeated, stunned.

Lily backed away from the doorway, an odd expression on her face. "What are we going to do?" she asked very quietly. He almost didn't hear her.

"What do you mean?" he asked stiffly, still not moving.

"Before it was – it was easy, not having a plan," she said hesitantly. She sounded like she had rehearsed this in her head, to no avail. "But Jesus, this changes everything, doesn't it?"

James finally focused on her and was struck by how scared she looked. "Christ," he relented, moving forward to hug her. "I'm so, so sorry, Lily. This is my fault."

Lily was only 22. She was a national Quidditch star. She had her whole life ahead of her.

He buried his face in her hair. "I'm going to be a father," he said, muffled. He released a sigh and she gripped him tighter, sniffling. They swayed together. "Oh, God, help me through this."

--

The sun was bright and sunny –

"F---," Sirius exclaimed, scratching out this sentence. He was really no good at this author business. The sun was sunny? Whoever had picked his alibi for Africa was far off the mark for him.

He dropped his quill and sighed. He'd never wanted to write a thing. It was just an excuse, a way of putting off the inevitable. He'd been doing so his entire life, come to think of it.

--

Lily stared into the window of the store, feeling like she might vomit. There was no real nausea, but seeing all those baby clothes, the toys, the pastels, the little carriages – it made her sick. She was not cut out for this.

She was out in Muggle London, trying to get her mind off everything. The finals match was just around the corner. She hadn't told Rosie yet, she had no idea what to do, and now she was standing frozen in front of the type of store she wouldn't have been caught dead inside two weeks ago.

Funny, how everything suddenly changed when another life was on her hands.

James had changed, too, since the night before. He was quieter that morning, withdrawn. He said he had thinking to do. Lily didn't want to speculate on the meaning of that.

"Lily?"

She turned and immediately regretted doing so. Oh, if only she'd pretended not to hear! Then she wouldn't have been caught in such an implicating position by, of all people,

"Sirius?" she squeaked, her hands flying to wring her fingers nervously. They hadn't exchanged so much as one word for months, and here he was, exactly the Sirius she remember. "What are you doing here?"

"Procrastinating," the man replied cryptically. He was wearing a long cloak that seemed too warm for August, and he looked pale and tired. "And you?"

She looked away and mumbled, "Just thinking."

"It's okay. James told me," he said gently, a touch of pity and – was that disappointment? – crossing his face. She didn't know what to make of this. "I suppose you don't want to talk about it."

"Not particularly," she said, a lump forming in her throat.

He shrugged. "But I guess you wouldn't want to talk to me at all, given my track record for abandoning you at great lengths of time."

Lily bit her lip. Those words were eerily familiar and she relented to herself that yes, Sirius was prone to do this: cut off altogether and then reappear, unexpectedly, in her life again. Like when he'd returned from Africa and his book-writing tour.

"I…suppose, given my nature for forgiving you, I would," she said tentatively, offering him a shrug.

He smiled sadly. "Walk with me?"

--

James paced. Should he, or should he not? On one hand, she'd probably already gone to Arquette and notified the team that a reserve Chaser would be needed. On the other hand, it would be just like her not to say a thing…

Remus lounged in a chair, watching him. "Seems to me you need to talk this one over with her," he said very slowly, as if the speed of his voice would somehow alter James's reception of his words.

James ran a hand through his hair and didn't say anything.

--

"Have you got everything you need?" Sirius said softly, taking Lily's hand. She imagined how they must've looked, strolling down the street like any Muggle couple, talking quietly and being, as far as their audience knew, perfectly normal. She found the idea pleased her.

"I've not needed anything yet," she told him. "Apparently I'm still in the early stages. I only noticed I was having dizzy spells, you know, and I've got to get a blood test tomorrow to officially confirm it."

He cast her a sidelong glance. "The League Cup is tomorrow."

"I know."

Sirius squeezed her fingers gently and didn't say anything more.

"Why is it that you're always here when I need you, but you're gone when I don't?" she wondered out loud.

"That's my job," he informed her soberly. "I'm your own personal plot device."

Lily laughed a sheer, uncertain laugh. "You intractable fart," she said. "You know what I mean."

"If you're asking why I broke up with you while I did…" Sirius stopped her and looked her in the eyes, an uncanny expression on his face. She was completely entranced. "I love you, Lily, and I love James. I'd do anything he asked of me, y'know? And this – this is what you guys needed. I don't exactly fit into the equation."

"A baby doesn't fit into the equation," she tried to say, but he shook his head.

"Whatever happens, Lily, James will be there for you. His one redeeming quality, right? He's reliable, right on top of the immaturity and the brashness."

Lily bit her lip. Tears were at the corners of her eyes. Hearing about James from someone else who loved him was such a reality check. As in, Wake up, Lily, you're not the only one who needs this man. He's not going anywhere.

"You okay?" Sirius asked, still quiet.

She said yes.

--

James could not sleep.

He'd spent all day signing autographs, answering fan mail, and giving newspaper interviews – which left him extremely exhausted. Then he'd gone home for a spare few hours of relaxation, while Remus and Peter drank to his Quidditch success; Sirius had congratulated him earlier and was subsequently nowhere to be found.

But all of it had been nauseating. He could hardly act normal as he had quietly disclosed Lily's pregnancy to his friends. The worst reaction of all was Remus. He'd been distressingly quiet all evening. When Peter had asked what was wrong, he'd merely shrugged and said he wasn't "happy with what James is doing."

The celebration had dwindled after that.

But this was not why James could not sleep; it was the imminent Quidditch match. He'd known for a few days that he and Lily would be playing on opposing teams. They'd played each other in a match before, when they weren't dating, and even that had yielded bad results. He couldn't imagine what might go wrong tomorrow.

James turned onto his side, pulling the sheets up to his chin and silently chiding himself. There was nothing to worry about. She wouldn't even be playing in the match, given her… condition.

The thought made his heart twinge considerably. Perhaps this was, partly, why he couldn't close his eyes. The confusion. He loved her, this he was completely sure of, but he regretting this happening, was unconvinced he wanted to be a father. The idea that he might be uncertain about the future of their relationship was…terrifying.

But he had to step up, didn't he?

Could he?

When Lily was the one suffering, when she was the one who would most likely lose her job and have to carry and support and give up her ambitions for their child, could he go on joking and playing Quidditch and having a good ol' time?

James knew he would be suffering, too.

And with a pang he realized that was what bothering him most.

Author's Note: My greatest apologies for the delay of this chapter. As you may've known, I did not (and still do not) have a functioning keyboard for my computer. This really sucks, especially when I'm so close to finally wrapping this thing up. (But at least I've gotten rather adept at using an on-screen keyboard. :3)

I'm posting two chapters as an apology... if you reviewed one or both I'd be forever grateful. :)