Author's Notes: This is a very difficult chapter and contains a lot of subject matter which readers may find uncomfortable, upsetting, and disturbing. I don't want to ruin it for you, but please proceed with caution. It's not my aim to shock and disturb, but just to tell this story even if it does go to very dark places because sometimes things have to hit rock bottom before they can start to get better. I'm very nervous about posting this and very much hope I don't offend anyone.
Surprisingly enough, Wes kept his hands to himself during the car ride. David almost expected Wes to return the favor of what he had done to him on the ride to Wes's apartment but he seemed more interested in Kalel and tried to engage her in conversation. She coldly shot him down with every attempt. If it bothered him at all, though, David would never have been able to tell. Wes was the same, but opposite of Ian in that they both didn't really care when they were insulted, but Ian tended to remain stone faced while Wes reacted with good humor.
They reached the school and Kalel couldn't get out of the car fast enough. She grabbed her things and went on ahead while David lingered there, turning toward Wes. "Is Ian really okay?"
"Yes. For the third time, he's fine. I mean, he'll live at least. You really care about him, don't you?"
David sighed. "Yeah, and I did this to him. He wouldn't even be touching that heavy shit again if I hadn't fucked up."
"Lasercorn, this is nothing. You haven't seen Ian at his worst." Wes reached into the console, searching around for something.
"That's what I'm afraid of..."
Wes located a pen and an old napkin, jotting down his number before handing it to David. "And you can feel free to pass that along to your stepsister, too."
David took it, thinking he was a bit better off not knowing Wes's number, but pocketing it all the same. "I'll see you around."
"Just give me a ring if you need a ride home later. I'll be more than happy to grab you - in more ways than one." Wes smirked.
David shook his head, ignoring the comment. He got out and waved, drawing in a deep breath as he looked toward the school. It held the same sense of foreboding it had when David first started. He could go back to sitting with Joshua at least, but Ian wasn't there, Anthony was probably going to avoid Kalel, Melanie would know David ended things with Iris, and Iris...well who knew what she was going to do. He didn't want to face her after the awkward way things ended. Hell, he didn't want to face any of it.
Reaching the front doors, David pushed them open and was a little unnerved when all eyes seem to land on him. Even people who had their backs turned stopped whatever they were doing and looked his way. David met their gazes, suddenly feeling small under the weight of their stares. He readjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder, moving through the crowd toward his locker.
If David thought it was just a strange coincidence in the doorway, that thought was quickly thwarted by the fact that every where he went, there seemed to be the same reaction. A few people appeared shocked, others appalled, some disgusted, and even a few sympathetic expressions were flashed his way. David's walk quickened, carrying him to his destination faster.
Only once he reached the hall where his locker was located, did he find a bit of reprieve. There were many students gathered around in a semi-circle, watching something that wasn't him. David approached, and when he caught sight of Joshua and Jesse tangled together in a fight, he dropped his bag and shoved his way through the crowd.
"You did this, didn't you?!" Joshua found some unknown strength to slam Jesse up against the row of lockers.
"Why the fuck would I do this? Get the fuck off of me, Ovenshire." Jesse shoved him away.
"Why wouldn't you?! You're a scumbag, that's why!" Joshua spat and swung at him, only to have Jesse grab the arm and throw Josh to the ground.
Jesse started wailing on Joshua at the same time David managed to reach them, grabbing Jesse viciously and slamming him up against the lockers again. His fist raised, prepared to give Jesse the most brutal beating without question before he looked past Jesse's shoulder - his eyes catching on something.
All over his locker were sordid pictures of him and Wes together, making out and doing things David didn't even remember doing. And spray painted above it, in dark, black letters, was the word: FAG.
David slowly let go of Jesse, moving past him toward the pictures to get a closer look. And then anger overcame him. He tore the images off, knowing who was responsible for it and it wasn't Jesse. Once the pages were in a shredded mess on the tiled floor, David whirled around toward the crowd of students staring at him.
"Yeah, I fuck guys. Big deal. It happens. Get over it and move on." David scowled.
David stared at them all for a second, and he thought they would listen. That was until Blake stepped up with a smirk. "Yeah. He's just going all around fucking the guys. Ian, Ovenshire, this dude." He gestured toward the ripped pictures. "I even hear he's got the hots for Jesse now. Watch your ass, gents."
Jesse, in that moment, did something very surprising. He offered a hand to Joshua to help him up to his feet before he stepped closer to David, slinging an arm around his shoulders and pulling him in for a kiss. David's eyes went wide in shock, and he stood there - frozen and not returning it. After a moment, Jesse pulled back, drawing his arm away. "Guess that makes me a fag now too, right? And if I kiss Ovenshire-"
"Don't you dare..." Joshua muttered, taking a step back as he wiped the blood from his nose on his sleeve.
"If I did - that would make him a fag. It's one fucking kiss, guys. What does any of this matter?" Jesse narrowed his eyes.
David looked at Jesse, wondering why the guy was stepping up in his defense. Jesse was one of the most popular kids in school, and David started to suspect it was a ploy to get him to drop his guard. But then he realized, he had been sitting at their table for about three weeks. During those three weeks, he and Jesse realized they had a lot in common - and a lot of the least painful conversations at that table had been with Jesse. David had been so distracted by his thoughts of Ian that he hadn't realized he and Jesse became friends during that time.
Blake was pissed. He had probably been hoping to help Iris in completely and utterly ruining David's reputation at the school. Jesse was of higher 'status' than Blake, however, so Jesse being on David's side would make Blake appear to be the bad guy. It would confuse the crowd, and students wouldn't know which side to be on. Their plan had backfired all because of one, wonderful curveball.
And then there was Joshua who stuck up for him even though they had barely spoken in three weeks. David was honored and grateful. Josh was definitely a better friend than David had been to him this whole time. David was about to express his gratitude, but then the crowd started to murmur hushed conversations. He looked toward them, seeing Iris at the heart of it - handing them each a printed list of something. She made her rounds before glancing toward David with a satisfied smirk on her face - the cat who caught the canary.
"What're you giving them?" David felt his stomach sink at the way his classmates appeared surprised and shocked when they read the paper.
"I told you, didn't I? You were going to regret messing with me." Iris said smoothly.
David's mounting sense of worry caused him to rush forward and pry one of the lists from the nearest person's hands - pulling with such force it ripped in half. But as he skimmed over the torn paper, his panic started to manifest itself by tightening in his chest. The title was: 10 Things You Didn't Know About David Moss. And the list started off by going into the complete description of medications he was on and what they were used to treat, his history at his old school of isolating himself and having no friends, his 'sick and twisted' attraction to his stepsister, his dabbling in drugs with the claim that he was doing Ian in order to feed his 'addiction.' The rest had been torn off, but David had seen enough.
His eyes swept the crowd and he could feel the weight of their judgment slam into him. It nearly took his breath away, and David couldn't stand there anymore. He had to get away. He had to escape. School didn't matter anymore. And for once, neither did Ian. He tore through the crowd, knocking shoulders with people as he rushed for the nearest door - coincidentally leading him into the locker room.
Most of the jocks and people who would have been there were out in the hall to see the commotion unfold, so David found himself alone. He tried to catch his breath, stopping by a row of lockers and resting his hand against them to brace himself. The fact that his classmates now knew the extent of his psychosis and the fact that it was impossible for David to simply fly under the radar was disturbing on a level that reminded him of his old school. There were memories of bullies, the general disdain of the student body toward him, and the lack of empathy for what he was going through coming to the forefront of his mind - memories David had tried so hard to suppress.
His hands trembled and his knees went numb. David slowly collapsed to the ground, leaning against the lockers and knotting his hands in his hair as he tried to steady his shallow breaths. He needed Matt. He needed his brother to be by his side and curse them out. David closed his eyes tightly and tried to imagine what Matt would do in this scenario - when the world turned on him, how would Matt find a way out?
The door squeaked open, and David's breath stopped altogether. He snapped his attention to the entrance and watched as Blake and a few backup football team members arrived. JJ wasn't there. Neither was Jesse which was both a good and bad thing. It was nice to see they weren't standing by Blake's side for this, but it also meant David's help was few and far between.
In a matter of seconds, he was hoisted up to his feet and slammed into the locker by Blake. David met his eyes, staring at him with hollow disinterest while Blake smirked, apparently thinking he had the upper hand - getting up in David's face. "Why'd you run away, Moss? Couldn't handle the heat?"
"Fuck off, Blake..." David mumbled.
"Sorry. I'm not the faggot here. Man, I've been waiting to kick your ass since the first day we met you..."
"Why? Jealous that I got further with Iris than you'll ever get?"
Blake's eyes went cold and he slugged David hard in the stomach. The air left his lungs, and David coughed and sputtered for a few seconds. It was long enough for Blake to tear David away from the lockers and shove him into the awaiting arms of the other boys.
"Let's fuck him up real good, guys. Make him regret ever stepping foot in this school."
David felt the first hit collide with his face - a warm sensation of swelling pain resonated afterward. Another guy grabbed his arms and held him so someone else had a free shot at his stomach. After the second punch came, David nearly threw up. The guys kept beating on him, and the pain - sharp at first - became dull as anger welled up inside of David.
He wound up being shoved to the floor. David braced himself on his hands and knees, breathing heavily before he looked up to see someone standing over him. "Hey, guys. Look at him. He's so fucking cozy on his hands and knees, I bet he'd love to gobble down my cock."
David heard the kid unzip his pants and caught a brief glance of his cock before he felt a warm, wetness start to hit him. It took David a few seconds to realize the guy was pissing on him and the other kids were laughing about it. The slow burning rage hit it's peak and David found enough strength to stand up suddenly. The last thing he remembered was punching the guy so hard in the balls he screamed in agony before David saw white and lost it.
Some time must have passed. David didn't know how much. But when he came back to awareness, he was breathing heavy and standing over two of his fellow classmates who had been beaten beyond recognition. Their faces were mangled, bones were broken - some even poking through the skin, and there was blood everywhere. David stared at the mess in a daze, and as he became aware of the throbbing pain in his knuckles and the pale expressions of pure horror on his other classmates' faces (including Blake's), realization dawned on him that he had done it. He hurt these guys. And it went beyond hurt.
"Dude! You killed them. Holy fucking shit. What's wrong with you?!" Blake uttered.
David didn't look up. He just stared at the mess he made. He was a monster. An unstable, horrible monster. He finally pried his eyes away from the two students, darting his attention to the others before he took a slow step back. David didn't know what he could do, but he had to get away before he hurt anyone else. He saw one of the bloodied students' cell phones and grabbed it before running out of the locker room. He found the nearest doors out of the school and didn't stop running even as he reached the streets, fishing in his jacket pocket for the napkin with Wes's number. Blood smeared its way onto the pristine white, and with trembling fingers, David gave Wes a call.
"Hel-" Wes began, but David cut him off.
"Wes. I did something. Something bad. I need a ride. Are you far from the school?"
"Nah. Just a few miles away fueling up. What's up?"
"I'm running toward the gas station now. Come pick me up, please." David didn't wait for the answer, numbly dropping the phone onto the pavement and not stopping to see if it shattered or not. Breaking a phone was not nearly as detrimental as breaking the two students.
But they won't ever bother you again. A voice reassured.
David didn't take comfort in that, though. If anything it made matters worse. Hearing voices didn't exactly rank him high up on the sanity list, that was for damn sure.
Wes brought David home, and when it was clear David didn't want to talk about what happened or why he was covered in blood and bruises and stank of piss, Wes didn't push the subject. Instead, he got ice for David's hand and told him he would make some tea. David nodded absently, watching Wes leave. He let the ice fall out of his grip and slowly got up, grabbing the house phone as he took it to the bathroom.
David had entered a dark state of mind. He was worthless. All of the good genes went to Matt, and David was left with a horrible cocktail of instability, depression and general anxiety. How could he ever think he could fit in? How could he ever think he would do anything good for the people in his life? He messed up things between Kalel and Anthony, he hadn't done anything good for Joshua, and Ian? Ian had been doing so well with his addiction until David fucked things up.
There's a way you can do good for them, you know...
David frowned, his hands trembled and his heart pounded in his ears. "I know..."
No pussying out. No making yourself puke it up this time.
David's eyes clenched shut. "I know!" His eyes veered toward the phone in his hands. "I just need to say goodbye to the one thing that mattered..."
You're just stalling...
He ignored his inner voice, dialing Ian's number by heart. He pressed the receiver to his ear and waited. It rang and rang until finally Ian's voicemail picked up. David's eyes welled with tears upon hearing Ian's voice - even if it was a recording he heard a million times before, even if it was made at a point when Ian was happier - it was still the voice of the guy he loved. David could barely choke back his sob when the tone sounded, signaling him to leave his message.
"Ian? Ian...I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I wish I could have seen you one more time, but I...I'm...Ian, I did something bad. Really, really bad. I'm the worst piece of shit. Fucked up in the head. I'm not good for anyone, really..." David was crying freely, unable to hide it from his voice but at the same time, not really caring to hold back now. "So I'm going to end it. I'm gonna do what I should've done all those years ago but was too chicken shit to go through with. For what it's worth, though, you were the best thing to come into my life. Without you, I never would have gotten to experience anything good. With you, I felt normal, alive. And that was the greatest feeling in the world - the feeling of true happiness. I love you. I'll forever and always love you. Even death won't change that..."
David drew in a shaky breath. "Goodbye, Ian. Please get yourself better. My final wish is for you to have the happy life you deserve."
He hung up before he looked at himself in the mirror. Pale, bruised, sunken in eyes, blood spattered skin - David was a mess. He slammed his fist into the glass, shattering it and reopening cuts that had barely sealed as well as making new ones. David eyed a particularly long shard, picking it up and poising it over his wrist. He gave one quick slice, pain lancing through him as fresh blood flowed. But David didn't think it would be quick enough. Wes could have caught him and wrapped it before he bled his last drop so he needed something else to make sure the job got done.
David went into the medicine cabinet - pulling out a bottle of Xanax. Rattling it, he saw it was full. Perfect. With a blend of fear and adrenaline, David's hands shook when he tried to open the bottle and after struggling for a bit, he managed to pry the top free. David spared a glance toward the broken fragments of his reflection. It wasn't too late to turn back and change his mind...
But then images of the bloodied bodies of those students hit him, fresh and new. It was too late. Even if David managed to get out of the school for now, there would be no escaping what he did. He would go to jail, and that was no life to live. This had to be done and it had to be done now.
David dumped the pills into his mouth, nearly gagging at the dry and bitter taste. It only became worse when it chewed them up and it took several gulps of sink water to get them down. His eyes closed and he backed up to the toilet, sitting on it in order to wait anxiously for the end.
Just then, Wes appeared in the doorway. "David? Is everything all-" His voice trailed off when he caught sight of the scene. "Jesus, David. What'd you do?!"
David barely bothered to pay attention as Wes took his hand and began to compress his wrist with a towel. "I just can't do it anymore, Wes..."
"Shh. Don't talk like that. You're gonna be fine..."
"No. I really won't. Things can never be fine again. And it's too late by now..."
"It's not too late. You're young. Things might seem bad right now, but haven't you heard the saying it gets better?"
"It's easy for you to say. You live your life without care about who you hurt in the process. Must be nice..." David mumbled, starting to feel a little fuzzy-headed.
"You think I'm happy, David? I'm not. If I was happy, would I be doing all the drugs I do? But I found a way to cope. Nothing can bother me if I don't let it. And if it starts to get to me, there's always an escape in the form of a powder, pill, or needle."
"That's not an escape. That's a trap. Like flies to honey - it seems sweet enough to lure you in, but once it has you, it doesn't let go. You become its slave. Ian hates every second of living like that, you know..." David closed his eyes. "I can't believe you let him start using again."
"He made a choice. It wasn't like I pinned him down and shoved the needle in his arm. Just like you made the choice to down this bottle of pills..." Wes grabbed the empty container. "How many were in here?"
"It was full..." David slurred.
"Fuck."
The phone rang. David lolled his head toward it, blinking his blurred vision to clear it in an attempt to read the number on the caller id. After a few seconds, he determined it was Ian and answered it with a tired smile. "Ian..."
"David, what the fuck did you do? What was that voicemail about?"
David was glad the last thing he could hear was Ian's voice. His body was relaxing, his breathing was getting slower and he might have been scared if all his anxiety hadn't been washed away by the calming effects of the pills. "I love you..."
"Answer the goddamn question, David!"
"It doesn't matter. It's okay. For the first time in seventeen years, everything is going to be okay..."
Wes ripped the phone from David's hand, and David's arm instantly went limp. Wes seemed to be in a panic that David couldn't understand. Everything was becoming confusing. Where was he? What was going on?
"I'll get him to the hospital, Ian."
A one sided argument carried on with Wes assuring Ian he wouldn't let David fall asleep, but David was losing touch with reality - unable to hear anything other than garbled noise. A warm comfort enveloped him from the inside out, and a soft voice whispered in his head that it was okay to let go; it was okay to be free. David had been waiting so long for the encouragement that he eagerly obeyed, struggling to keep his head up just long enough to mumble.
"Make sure Ian knows I love him..."
And then all his inhibitions, all his fears, doubts, happiness, existence...washed away to a comforting sea of black unconsciousness; David became the nothing he always knew he was on the inside.