A/N: Thanks to all of you who feed the ferocious appetite of this review whore and left behind comments…I truly appreciate it. I know that many of you are frustrated and impatient with wanting Jack to know he has a daughter. I am too – I want to go back to writing Jack and Kate interacting!! One of the reasons for my delay with this chapter is that I'm trying to rework this next part of the story to get to the next part. So after this chapter the next ones are going to be more heavily narrative and not so dialog dictated to push the story to the point where I want it to be. So if those chapters (and I'm not saying how many – but don't worry there won't be but a very few) kind of suck – sorry ahead of time.

And for those of you guys that are feeling the Kate hate (or at least frustration) for keeping Jack in the dark just know that it's coming from a part of her that's fearful and scared…and what did past Kate do when she got scared?? Let's say it all together now…RUN!! But with motherhood comes maturity and eventually Miss Kate will realize running never solved anything!

As usual, don't own Lost or the characters nor do I own the song 'You Can't Go Back' by Bruce Springsteen.

CHAPTER 34 – You Can't Go Back

Hey hey, you can't go back
Hey hey, you can't go back

Now I used to have the kind of luck
That went from bad to worse
A gypsy on the waterfront
She told me I was cursed
She said no one's young forever
Well I just laughed
I turned to leave around the corner
And the years went past
Now I'm looking for a piece of myself
On the same streets that I once knew but…

Hey hey, you can't go back
Hey hey, you can't go back

"I still can't believe that you guys are going to Acapulco." Judy commented as she was greeted by Sarah at the front door carrying a dress bag. "That Jack agreed."

"He did." Sarah smirked as she let her friend in. "I was surprised too. I had to play the sympathy card a bit, but I also reminded him that he hasn't really taken a vacation or any time off in months." Sarah explained as she folded a t-shirt and put it in the suitcase. "Besides Jack's a good guy and good guys don't turn down a dying girl's wish."

Judy looked at her friend in surprise.

"What?" Sarah shrugged her shoulders. "They don't."

"I wish you wouldn't joke like that sometimes." Judy told her sadly.

"JuJu, it's just a joke."

"Still…"

Sarah put down the shorts she was folding and looked over at her friend, taking in the serious look on Judy's face. "Does it really bug you?'

Judy nodded slowly. "I know that joking helps you deal but lately when I see you like this….all bubbly and excited…it's hard to believe that…that you're…" her voice trailed off and her gaze went down to the floor briefly.

"That I'm going t die." Sarah finished the statement.

"Yeah." Judge said quietly.

Sarah reached over and hugged her friend, surprised a little by how fiercely she returned it. "I know, but you know what? It's not happening today, so you need to just push that thought aside and help me finish packing or I'll never be ready to leave tomorrow." She laughed trying to lighten up the mood.

Pulling out of the embrace Judy smiled. "So, are all your reservations in order?"

"Oh yeah, I called the hotel yesterday just to confirm. They're having a carnivàle festival during the time we're there so we were lucky to get a room." Sarah chatted happily.

Judy looked over at her sideways. "A room?" She asked warily. "You reserved only one room?"

"They really only had one room left." Sarah said.

"Does Jack know this?" Judy wanted to know.

Sarah looked down to the floor for a moment but didn't say anything.

"Sarah," Judy raised her voice. "Did you tell Jack you only got one room?"

Sarah sighed. "Not yet." She finally admitted.

"Jeez, Sarah…"

"What? It's not like I purposely did it." Sarah shot back defensively. "The hotel's booked with the festival…the whole city is."

"So, why didn't you pick a different date to go?" Judy continued to probe.

Sarah looked at her friend in surprise. Why was Judy grilling her over such a trivial thing? "Well, for one I'm feeling good right now and you know that could change." She explained "Besides Jack's already cleared his schedule for this trip. If I change it, it would probably be at least a couple of months before we'd have another chance to go."

"Well, at least tell him about the room before you leave." Judy retorted.

"I'm going to tell him. I just don't see why you're making such a big deal out of it." Sarah walked over to her nightstand and pulled out a couple of books she planned on taking along.

"I just don't want you hurt expecting more than Jack is offering." Judy told her exasperated.

Sarah snapped her head up and looked over at Judy. "What's that suppose to mean?" She asked sharply.

"You two are getting along better, I can see that." Judy paused for a moment formalizing her words carefully. "But…I doubt that Jack agreed to go to Acapulco thinking it was going to be a romantic getaway."

A brief look of hurt crossed Sarah's face before she quickly regained composure. She looked down to the bed and pulled at the suitcase shutting it. "Thanks for the use of those sundresses JuJu. I think I'm about done with the packing."

"Sarah, I wasn't trying to hurt you." Judy reached up and touched her best friend's shoulder. "I just don't want you setting yourself up and getting hurt when it doesn't go that way."

Sarah took a deep breath and let it out. "Is it so hard to believe he could want to be with me? I mean, we were married once."

"And that ended." Judy reminded her frustrated with what Sarah was apparently planning to do. "And badly I might add."

Sarah ignored the last comment. "But we're back living together and spending time together and we're getting along good…having fun…like before when we first started dating." She pointed out.

This time it was Judy's turn to let out a sigh. "Sarah, sweetie, it's not the same thing."

"I could be, you don't know. " Sarah shot back stubbornly.

Judy shook her head. "No, it can't be and you know that. He's in love with another woman."

"He could be getting over her. It's been awhile." Sarah replied, an almost desperate tone to her voice.

Judy had to admit she was surprised by Sarah's sudden romantic ideas towards Jack. As far as Judy could tell, while Jack was making more of an effort to be at home and spend time with Sarah, there was no romantic vibe to it. He was being a friend nothing more. And while Judy got that, Sarah apparently was reading more into it.

"Has Jack made any moves or said anything that makes you think he wants more than friendship?" She asked Sarah gently.

The blonde woman shook her head slowly. "He loved me once." She said wistfully.

"But things changed Sarah." Judy replied gently. "He met someone else and he fell in love. And the only reason he's doing this whole marriage thing with you is because she asked him to."

Sarah looked up at her oldest friend's face, tears threatening to form at hearing her words. She knew Judy was only telling her the truth…but at the moment it was the last thing she wanted to hear. She was looking forward to Acapulco and being able to spend some time with Jack with no interruptions, no doctor visits or work getting in the way. And a chance to maybe remind him how they use to be.

The front door opening and closing interrupted the girls conversation. Jack was home.

Sarah wiped at her eyes and smoothed her shirt out. "Don't say anything to Jack." She instructed Judy to which the young woman just nodded. She had said all she was going to say.

The plane ride to Acapulco went smoothly much to Jack's relief. He had to admit that since the rescue he hadn't been a big fan of flying. His stomach always in knots until the plane landed.

As their luggage was loaded up in the taxi they were riding from the airport to the hotel Jack glanced over a couple of times at Sarah noticing the genuine smile on her face. When he had agreed to go on a trip with her he hadn't been happy with her choice of city. Even if it was only for 4 days the idea of going out of the country didn't sound good to Jack. It wasn't until after he had spoken to Sarah's doctor who assured him that Sarah would be okay. He had thrown out the word remission saying that Sarah's last two series of tests seemed to indicate that the cancer was not progressing as it had been before. She was by no means cancer free, but she was stable enough to go on a short vacation provided she didn't overdue herself.

It was a short time later when they were at the reservation desk inside the colorful lobby of the Hotel Playa, a beautiful resort in the heart of the touristy part of the city. The lobby was decorated in bright colors and had some streamers, Marti Gras type masks and clusters of balloons, all in celebration of the carnivàle festival that was going on.

"Okay, Senor Shepard, your room is 327 on the 3rd floor. Here are your keys." The clerk handed him two card keys and the check in sheet to sign off. "We'll have the bellman take your bags up shortly."

Jack looked down at the check in sheet in confusion. "There seems to be a mistake. We're supposed to have two rooms." Jack told the older man behind the desk.

It was now the other man's turn to be confused. "I'm sorry, senor, two rooms."

"Yes, the reservation was for two rooms." He replied glancing over at Sarah who was distracted looking at the photographs on one of the walls.

The clerk, who's name badge read 'Luis' looked over at his computer. "I'm sorry Senor Shepard, it shows here only one room was reserved." He said pointing to the screen.

Jack glanced over at Sarah again wondering what was going on. "Well…we need another room." He said firmly.

"Unfortunately, with the festival we are booked…at least for tonight. It's possible I'll have another room tomorrow." Luis told him as he clicked the keys on the computer and changed screens.

Glancing down at his watch Jack knew it was probably too late to do anything tonight so he nodded. "Fine, I'll take the first room you have available tomorrow." He signed the registration slip. "Do you have any roll-a-way beds that could be brought to the room?"

Luis arched an eyebrow as he glanced from Jack to the woman he presumed was his wife, curious about the situation, but saavy enough not to comment. "You have a suite…the couch pulls out into a sleeper."

Satisfied Jack nodded and thanked the man. By now the bellman had their bags loaded on the cart and was ready to escort them to the room.

"Was there a problem?" Sarah asked sweetly as they made their way to the elevator.

"We'll discuss it when we get to the room." Jack replied in a lowered voice.

They rode up the elevator in silence and continued not to say anything while the bellman loaded their luggage and showed them the room's amenities.

"What's wrong, Jack?" Sarah asked once the bellman left.

Grabbing a bottle of water and opening it he took a sip before speaking. "Did you only reserve one room, Sarah?"

"What?" Sarah sputtered surprised by his question.

"The front desk showed our reservation for only one room." Jack told her. "Said that's how it was made."

"Well, they must have made a mistake." She replied quickly trying to keep her composure.

"So, you didn't reserve only one room for us?" Jack asked slowly, suspicion in his tone.

"No, of course not." Sarah lied. "I asked for two rooms."

"And you confirmed that?" Jack asked. "Because it showed only one room requested." He sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Sarah opened her suitcase and started to unpack.

"Like I said, it must be a mistake." She said trying to keep from showing her nervousness. She could tell Jack was not happy about the arrangement and she didn't want to anger him more by admitting what she had done.

Jack stared at her for a moment longer looking for any sign that she wasn't being honest. Noticing his stare Sarah shrugged her shoulders at him and resumed unpacking

"I'm not surprised. I'm sure they've been busy with all these people coming in for the festival." She commented.

"Yeah, I guess so." Jack replied slowly. "Maybe the hotel did screw it up"

Nodding Sarah gave him a smile. "We'll just have to make do. I mean, it's not like we've never slept in the same bed."

But Jack shook his head as he pulled his duffle bag off the bed and placed it in the corner. "The couch pulls out into a sleeper so I'll take that tonight. The guy said they'd probably have another room available in the morning."

The young woman looked away to hide her disappointment. "Oh…" she said softly. "Well, I…ahum…guess it worked out then."

"Yeah, listen, I'm going to jump in the shower and then we can grab some dinner." He suggested.

Later that night Sarah laid awake in the hotel bed, listening to the soft hum of the air conditioner the only real noise in the room. Jack was in the outer room on the sofa sleeper. She sighed deeply to herself as she draped one arm over on the empty side of the bed. She had really hoped her idea of "innocently" having to share a bed would have worked. She thought it would trigger memories and maybe feelings Jack had. Lately she had been feeling that things were changing between them. They had been doing things more together, getting along better. Jack seemed to have let go of the pain and resentment he had been harboring against her and forgiven her for the affair. She really started to think this was their second chance.

Getting a boost of determination Sarah decided to try a different approach. Sliding out of bed she padded over to the dresser and pulled out a pink lacy nightie she had brought along. Slipping out of her pajamas and into the nightie she made her way quickly into the outer room. Taking a deep breath she stepped softly to the side of the pull out sleeper and kneeled down. The room was dark with a bit of light coming from the moonlight peeking through the curtains and bashing parts of the room in soft glow.

Looking down at his handsome face she smiled softly. 'We could work again Jack' she thought to herself. 'We could be good' Not really able to help herself she brought her hand up to his face and lightly dragged a finger across his cheek. Jack didn't move. Still gazing at him she touched his cheek again – this time Jack moved slightly twisting a little on the bed.

"Listen Kate," he spoke in his sleep. "You really need to move back home. This is getting ridiculous…and I miss you."

Sarah pulled her hand back as if she had been burned. Jack shifted over to his other side…his back to Sarah. "We should be together again." He mumbled. "Enough of this."

Stumbling slightly Sarah got to her feet and walked briskly back to the bedroom trying to not make noise any wake Jack. She felt absolutely foolish and didn't feel like facing Jack and trying to explain what she was doing next to his bed in a teddy.

Once back in the bedroom she yanked off the nightie and shoved it to the bottom of her suitcase. Swallowing hard she put her pajamas back on and slipped back into bed. Sniffling she wiped her eyes. She felt stupid…stupid and foolish. It was obvious that Jack was still in love with Kate even after being away from her all this time.

'Whatever made me think we could be together? Even for the time I have left.'

Burrowing herself further under the covers she let the tears come. Not since she had first been told about her cancer did she feel so totally and utterly alone, especially with her husband sleeping soundly in the other room dreaming about another woman.

The next morning the front desk called up to the room and as promised advised Jack they had a room available. He didn't seem to notice Sarah was pensive and quiet as she watched Jack father his luggage and move to a room down the hall.

Her mood continued the rest of the trip as they took in a few of the sights and tourists attractions as well as some of the festival events. Jack asked her a couple of times if something was wrong but always got a "no, nothing" in response. He didn't notice Sarah's face as she watched some of the couples as they walked about. Her heart pained as she watched these couples laughing and walking hand in hand along the beach or sidewalk, the affection obvious. Jack seemed to be enjoying the vacation and was trying to make sure Sarah was enjoying herself, but that was it. The concern and affection he showed for her came from friendship and precaution over her illness. He didn't seek out her gaze in a crowd or reach out to take her hand in his. And because of that Sarah lost her enthusiasm for the trip and citing tiredness she convinced Jack to return home a day early.

Seattle

Dear Jack,

Today was Emma's first birthday. My father and Carrie came in for the weekend. We had a small party at home with us and Aaron's play buddy from up the street, Teddy. Emma loved her cake so much she couldn't wait to plop her hands right in the middle of Winnie the Pooh's face.

I can't believe how fast she's growing. She's already gotten really good at walking though sometimes she gets excited and falls back on her bottom. And sometimes she just walks around in circles. But she thinks it's the best thing.

She's starting to say more words. Remember I told you 'mama' was her first word, now she's saying 'milk', 'up', 'down', and 'no'. That one she learned pretty quick! She calls Aaron 'ron' and she can point to her nose, her mouth and her hair. She sits in her playpen with all her stuff animals and has all kinds of babbling conversations. It's pretty funny to see. Aaron plays with her and I think he understands her baby babble better than Claire or I do. Those two are going to be a force to be reckoned with in a few years, I bet. We'll have our hands full, that's for sure.

Love, Kate.

She picked up a freshly printed out picture of Emma in a mint green and white dress, her hair in two short ponytails tied in matching mint green bows, sitting sweetly on Kate's lap; the both of them smiling at the camera. In front of them a sheet cake decorated with the words "Happy First Birthday Emma". Winnie the Pooh characters surrounding the lettering. Smiling she glued it to the blank page next to her journal entry and wrote underneath "Emma's 1st Birthday cake". Next to that picture she put the picture of Emma with her hands plunged in the cake brining a piece up to her mouth to taste. The rest of the pictures she slipped into a photo album that she had started the day Emma came home from the hospital. Along with several CDs containing digital video Kate had filmed of, Emma's first year had been lovingly and painstakingly captured into albums containing photos and discs along with small keepsakes, like her hospital ID band, a copy of her footprints taken when she was born and even a small lock of her hair Kate had cut and slipped into the album.

The truth was she was having fun putting together these memory books. She was still amazed at how quickly the year had past. Emma went from being this tiny bundle she brought home from the hospital to a little person who was curious about everything and anxious to learn anything she could. She kept her mother on her toes and delighted her all at the same time.

But with this happiness came guilt. By all rights Jack should have been there to watch his daughter enjoy her first piece of birthday cake. As more time went by Kate wondered if it was even possible for them to get back what they had. Becoming a mother had changed Kate and she figured caring for a terminally ill Sarah had probably affected Jack too. What if they finally came together only to find things changed? What if Jack moved on?

Kate sighed as she fingered the cover of the photo album. He had called the other day and spoke with Claire. He had told Claire he called to touch base with her and Charlie and find out how everyone was doing. When Claire had asked if he wanted Kate to call back he had replied 'she can if she wants to, but she doesn't have to.' Kate had felt hurt when Claire told her about the conversation. She initially decided to call him but then changed her mind. A phone call would only end up hurting each of them He would ask her to come home and she would turn him down…hurting them both. Plus she had no idea at this point how she was going to approach telling him about Emma. No matter how he feels at the end about being a dad, he was going to be angry and hurt that she had kept it from him. He could very well turn his back on her and right now Kate was ready to face that.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of voices arguing coming from the front of the house. It was Charlie and Claire. Tensions were high between the two especially since Thomas was due for his first visit in a couple of days. Charlie had been against it from the moment Claire had told him Thomas was coming. Their fighting had increased as neither side wanted to back down.

Now their voices raised and fell in volume and Kate could make out a few words here and there. It was essentially the same things as always – Charlie fearful of losing a son and Claire refusing to let him dictate her thinking and actions.

A moment later Kate's door opened and Aaron walked in carrying a stuffed toy and his blanket. "Auntie Kate…" his voice sounded small. "Can I come in here?"

Kate nodded and welcomed the little boy onto her lap. Cuddling him against her she gently kissed the top of his head and caressed his soft blonde hair. "Did you have a bad dream?" she asked softly.

"Na ah, the loud voices woke me." Aaron told her.

"They did, huh?" Kate replied silently cursing out her friends for not realizing how their continued fighting was affecting their 3 year old son.

"I don't like it when mommy and daddy yell." Aaron said as he hugged his stuffed panda closer to his chest.

"I know, sweetie." Kate kissed him again. "Listen, why don't we get under the covers and put on some cartoons?"

"I'm not suppose to watch TV after bedtime." The little boy replied innocently.

Smiling Kate stood up with him in her arms. "That's okay, we'll only watch until we fall asleep, okay?"

"Okay." Aaron broke into a grin at the idea of getting to stay up a little late. He quickly got under the bed covers while Kate went over and shut the door and grabbed the remote.

At this point Emma woke up and stood up in her crib her arms extended towards Kate. "Up Mama." She said groggily.

Kicking off her sandals Kate picked up her daughter and made her way back to the bed. Moments later she laid in the middle with Aaron happily propped up on a pillow and Emma curled up on the other side with the Cartoon Network on the TV. The voices and sounds of the cartoon muffling the argument that continued in the other part of the house.

TBC

Next up: The fighting continues…