Chapter 35: "Two Will Be As One"
Hours after my initial fit, I find myself in front of Nii-san's door once more. I sigh and put my hands on my hips.
So immature.
"...Right. Do it properly this time." I chastise myself, while I shake my head.
After hesitating a moment, I knock again. I would not be surprised if I did not get an ans–
"Who is it? Hisui?" his voice calls out.
"…...Ah... n-no, it is me, Nii-san..." comes the suddenly meek reply.
"...Akiha?" He seems surprised to hear the sound of my voice so soon. "Come in."
I take another breath to calm my nerves, and enter the room more humbly, with my hands clasped in front of myself. My right hand is clasping my left wrist, as if to brace itself for some strange, unknown reason.
"…...Please forgive my emotional outburst earlier, Nii-san. I did not mean to do such a thing." I bow slightly, respectfully. "I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it has mentally stressed me a fair deal. That does not mean it is right to act so rashly, however, so once again, I apologize."
"Akiha... it's okay." He smiles slightly. "If you're jealous over something like that, it means you're actually looking out for me. It's because you want the best for me, right?"
"...Ah..." ...W-well, that would be true, of course...
"So don't worry about stuff like that. It's normal, you know. I'd be more concerned if you took it in stride and said nothing about it at all, heh..." Nii-san's slight chuckle fills the air like a song.
…...Damn it. How does he always... deconstruct me so...?
How does he always know just what to do to defuse my anger...?
It is literally impossible for me to stay mad at him for any length of time. The longest I have gone is a day, maybe two. After that, it seems that no matter what I do... he finds the very thing that will force my anger out of me. And he wields this weapon with a surprising accuracy and potency, the likes of which I have never seen in anyone else.
I cannot help but look away this time. I feel like I wish to cry, and I know if I look into his eyes, then I...
I hear him get out of bed.
"N-Nii-san?ǃ Please stay in your bed, you are still injured!" I race over to him and – very carefully – I try to lightly push him back onto the bed.
But against Nii-san... Tohno Akiha's strength fades, like that of a weak girl. He walks up as if what was pushing on him was a ball of cotton. "I'll live, Akiha." He sighs. "...I guess you still like me as more than a brother, huh?"
"Ah..." ...He... read me like a book.
…...Of course I like him as more than a brother.
In order to live, humans require, at a minimum, a few fundamental things. Food to eat, liquid to drink, air to breathe, and a place to sleep.
…...Tohno Akiha needs a fifth thing. The boy whom she calls "Nii-san." A Nii-san who is not one by birth, and not even by adoption... but by completely and totally stealing the heart of a eight year-old girl.
…...Without him, to this day, the girl cannot truly be alive. She will survive, but with only four of her five requirements met, it is, at best, half of an existence.
"Akiha..." He reaches out, and hugs me slowly. Carefully. Warm arms, wrapping around my body. Soft arms, and yet strong. The only thing separating direct, skin-to-skin contact, being the thin layer of fabric in the blouse that I am wearing...
"...?" I cannot help but look up at him as he hugs me, despite being on the verge of tears, feeling heat rising in my cheeks.
"...I know you love me more than words can say. That's why this is eating you up, isn't it?" A slight smile, one of knowing...
…...One of understanding.
I feel my lip quiver. I fight the urge to cry even harder, but if he keeps that up, with that face, and being so gentle and kind, I...
...My head is pushed gently into his shoulder. I feel his hand rub the back of my head. Fingers running through my hair, lightly rubbing the back of my head with one hand, and the other, lightly rubbing my upper back, patting it softly...
"Go ahead."
…...To encourage the child to cry.
I close my eyes and feel the tears roll down my cheeks, and eventually drip off, heading for his shoulder, like he will not heal if a part of me is not inside of him. My head is rubbed, and my upper back gently patted, encouraging me to let it out.
And the mentally fatigued girl weakly embraces him, and allows herself a moment of weakness.
He begins to rock slowly, swaying back and forth a little, allowing – no, encouraging – the girl to trust him completely, to just let him hold her, to allow him to support both of their body weights.
Telling her that he will be there for both of them, without saying so much as a word.
Human language has no sort of word for this feeling, this sensation. It can describe aspects of it, to be sure, but it cannot fully name the summation of all of those feelings.
...No, this is something instinctual. Something that is understood by the animal mind, even if the rational, intelligent, evolved human brain cannot fully understand it. It is something hardwired into each and everyone of us.
…...And I am no exception.
I clutch onto Nii-san like a weak girl for ten, perhaps twenty minutes. The whole time, he runs one of his hands lightly through my hair, and rubs my head and back. He does not say a word, but words do not need to be said. The bond between us is so strong, that I know what he would say, and he knows what I would do in response to his actions.
Eventually, I feel the pain leave my body. As if sensing this, his embrace opens up a little, and he allows me to pull away a little. I sniffle and hiccup slightly as I look at him. No doubt the whites of my eyes are reddened slightly from what I have been doing.
"Feeling better?" He looks at me, smiling a little.
"…...A little." I nod slightly. It comes out in a strange voice, so I clear my throat slightly, and then swallow in an attempt to clear it further.
He sighs, and scratches his head with one of his hands. "Jeez, Akiha. You fall to pieces around me, don't you?"
"...Yes." I look down.
…...Of course I do. How could I not...?
How does one not fall to pieces to one who saves their life...?
More importantly... how does one ever feel like they can repay that person for giving them the opportunity to see the sun come up tomorrow…...?
I cannot speak for others, but I know that I would do just about anything in my power to help Nii-san, in any way I can. Anything at all. If it came down to it, I would give my life for him. As long as he could be the last thing I would see before I die, I would happily do so. There would be no regrets, except for knowing it would be the last time I see him, but... if he is the last person I can spend time with before I am sent to an eternal hell of torture and suffering for being a demon, then I sup–
"Well, stop beating yourself up about it. You're only human, after all."
"...Eh...?" I exclaim in surprise as a bolt of lightning surges down my spine.
...Human?
…...He called me... human...?
But... I am not human. Not fully. Oka-sama was human, but Otou-sama–
"Yeah. You're human, Akiha." As if reading my thoughts, he continues. "No real demon could feel how you do about me. Isn't it obvious?"
"...But Nii-san... I, I'm not ful–"
A finger is pressed gently against my lips, silencing me.
...Though it is not him who feels like he is burning. It is me. On my lips where the finger is pressing... in my cheeks... in my chest...
…...Simultaneously, several fires ignite inside of Tohno Akiha.
"Akiha. You're human. A bloodthirsty, savage demon wouldn't care what her brother thinks of her, or even get upset because she loves him and thinks she can do better." He sighs, slightly sadly, as if regretting the situation. "...Who knows? Maybe if I had never met you and just saw you randomly on the street one day, it might've been you, though. I'll give you credit for that... you don't let go of your hopes and dreams, and I like that about you. So... don't change, alright?"
...I... am not sure how to reply to this. It feels almost like he is dressing me down in a way, but... he is right. I know he is, but I do not want to admit it.
There is a possibility, however slim, that had we never met how we did, we may have encountered each other on the street. If that had happened, our relationship may have been able to blossom normally.
…...But.
That would never happen, as much of a desired dream as that would be.
The reason for this is simple: The Tohno are a family of demons. The Nanaya are a family who kills demons. If we were to have met "naturally," then we probably would have been trying to kill each other, not date each other.
The illusion of being able to date him normally is that of a normal girl who feels so strongly about the one who captured her heart.
The reality of the disaster that would have occurred if that were to actually happen is that of the logical, rational mind that the girl possesses.
…...A dark vision runs through my head. Of a year ago, but in a forest. In the Nanaya Forest. Both of us, injured and bleeding profusely, fighting to the death, knowing only one would walk away... rictus grins plastered on both of our faces, as we swing at each other like savage beasts.
I banish the thoughts from my head as best as I can without making it obvious.
"...I will do my best to get over those... feelings for you, Nii-san. It is difficult, but I will do my best." I sigh. "But I cannot stop loving you. If you wish me to stop loving you, then you will have to kill me, Nii-san."
"...Man, you're taking it way too seriously. Don't worry about it that much, Akiha," he says with a slight laugh. "Besides, I think it's cute."
...My heart skips a beat. C... Cute?
"Yeah. Cute. It makes you multidimensional, Akiha." He smiles slightly as he states this matter-of-factly.
Gah! I spoke my thoughts once more! Why does my mouth fail to keep itself shut during the most important times...?ǃ
"Wh... What do you mean multidimensional, Nii-san?" I ask him as I feel the heat begin to flow into my cheeks once more.
"Well... there's the motherly side of you that's always fussing over how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, and making sure I'm okay. Then there's the younger sister who wants to be closer to her brother, because she loves him. Then there's the maturing woman, who knows she loves someone and wants to be with them..." He sighs a bit. "...In some ways I guess I feel a little guilty for denying you that, Akiha."
...G...Guilty? Nii-san…...?
"You do not need to feel guilty about it, Nii-san," I begin to try to assuage his guilt. "I... I am your sister, so it is natural to not have that sort of desire with me. W... We cannot ever be a couple, and I know that..." My voice falters before it fades completely to quietness. My lips continue to move, but no sound comes out of them.
Even though this is a complete lie to me, to myself, I say this. Even though it renounces everything that I truly feel... it needs to be said.
It is true that normally, family members do not go to the extent of love that I have... A sexual love. A desire to be more than a sister... a desire to be his partner. His life partner. To join as one not just mentally and emotionally, but physically... for us to become two halves of a greater whole, for us to be yin and yang, for us to be as one, for me to become him, and for him to become me...
…...That is what I desire.
It took until Souka did what she did for me to realize that it went that deep, but it does... I cannot deny that anymore. I have endured it for years, but now, I desperately yearn and ache for him. I want him. I want him, but I cannot have him...
"Akiha..." his dulcet voice shakes me out of my thoughts.
"...Yes, Nii-san...? What is it...?"
"...Do you remember why I appeared rather nervous after I had come back from fighting enemies one night with Arcueid?"
My eyes roll up slightly as I recall that night. "...Yes. The next morning you were flushed in the face when I greeted you, and when I felt your forehead, you felt like you had a fever. You then ran from me when I tried to stop you. But what does this have to do with anything...?"
"...Arcueid had sent Len before we took her in for good, and that night, I had a dream, Akiha... and... it was of you..." His own voice pales.
THUMP.
After a very strong shudder that makes my whole body quake, my heart stops for several moments, and when it restarts, it beats much faster than it did before, trying to compensate for a few moments of death that Tohno Akiha survived without even knowing it.
Len's purpose is to manipulate dreams, so if she did that... then, it must have been a sexual dream...
...And... he dreamed... of me…...…...?
…...Of me…...?
...I had dreamed of him before, holding me, and telling me things I longed to hear... never sexual dreams, though... Th, there were a few where he began to kiss me, and massage me, but it always stopped with him doing, at most, undressing me. I woke up because my brain did not know how to proceed, but...
…...When two people dream the same dream, it ceases to be an illusion. It becomes reality…...
...Then... if I dreamed of Nii-san... and Nii-san dreamed of me…...…
...Then... maybe…... there is a part of him that looks at Tohno Akiha as a person he can love that way...
"...Akiha..." I look at him. He is blushing slightly in embarrassment.
"...Nii-san..." I am sure I am just as red.
The air has become rather hot... No, hot is an understatement. This room is an absolute furnace. I feel the demon side of me growing stronger from the incredible heat that has appeared in the air of this room, out of seemingly nowhere.
We both look at each other... unsure of how to proceed... unsure if this is what we really want. His gray eyes, looking deeply into mine, deeply into the soul of the demon who loves a human. My own blue eyes, looking deeply into his, into the soul of one who kills demons... but loves one instead.
It is one thing to say you love a person, and would happily worship their bodies in every way, but... funnily enough, if it becomes reality, it is very easy to have a sudden case of cold feet. We both are. After such a confession, for all of knowing exactly what it means... neither of us proceed. We just look at the other.
I can hear my heartbeat in my head, as if my heart has swapped places with my brain. BANG. BANG. BANG. It sounds like it is trying to escape.
The sound of air flying past my ears is obvious, immediate. It takes a few moments for me to realize it is actually my own breathing, sped up and heightened from the stress.
The air around me seemingly crackles with a dark energy. It is only when I shiver slightly in my spot that I catch the sight of scarlet red replacing jet black, starting at the tips and rapidly soaking upward, like a paper towel feasting itself on spilled water.
"...Does... that mean... you want to..." I blush furiously at hearing those words leave my mouth, in a shaky, nervous voice. The voice of a girl who is on her first date...
"…...I don't know yet, Akiha…..." He says with a slight sigh, his own voice uncertain and hesitant. "It was a dream, but... I'm not sure if it was just a dream Len manipulated... or if it was an actual dream I desired..."
...That could be it too. It is possible that she simply read his mind, found me first, and simply made herself into my image. Even without it being sexual, Tohno Akiha is a very important person to Tohno Shiki, so it is only natural that I would occupy a good deal of his thoughts.
However... If that is the case... then she had better have enjoyed that strawberry shortcake. It will be the last one for quite awhile. I feel my boldness return with this thought, and I nod.
"...I see. Then, I will not force it on you, Nii-san. But... if... you do see me that way–"
"–Then the answer is yes. I already know what you will say, Akiha." He sighs a bit.
...He is right.
I do not know why I still truly think of him that way. I owe him my life, certainly; giving him my body is but a small token of gratitude. I know he would never harm it, or take advantage of such intimate generosity. I know he would treat it well, and would not take completely for himself, and deny me any sort of pleasure from it. There are certainly worse things Nii-san could do to me than... carnal things.
...And if he did try to take advantage of it, I would stop him immediately. But that is not how I shall think of Nii-san. No...
…...The Nii-san I know, is the Nii-san I fell in love with. First as a stranger. As the Nanaya child. Then as a friend, as the boy who I laughed and played with briefly, but seemingly eternally. There were no thoughts of him as an enemy, nothing that said we could not play. There was a strange tightness in my chest, initially – later I learned that this was due to a sixth sense, of sorts, warning me that he was an enemy – but the more I played with the boy, the more that sense faded.
Then... I lost one brother, and gained another. I lost... Tohno SHIKI, and gained Tohno Shiki. And so the eternal wait of Tohno Akiha for the heart of the one she loved began in earnest.
Just wanting to innocently love him, for a number of years, until she began to physically mature. When she had her first period, Otou-sama taught the confused girl about how sex worked, why she bled from there and would do so once a month, and the importance of eventually having an heir.
…...That is when the innocent love for the boy began to become more... carnal. But even then, it had a surprising gentleness to it, a naivete. The boy would kiss her, hug her, and hold her, and then gently lay her down on her bed, and begin to reach under her dress... and then it would end.
It tended to make Tohno Akiha unhappy for the next day.
And yet... in his insanity, ironically, it is Tohno SHIKI who would have no problem having sex with Tohno Akiha. My nightmares of him, of me being helpless, and him killing me and raping my corpse as I lay there, bleeding and dying, my life fading as he uselessly shoots seed into my womb, to make a life that will never reach birth...
I shiver.
"Akiha...? Something wrong? You look like you're not feeling well... Did... ah, did what I say make you feel sick to your stomach...?"
"N-No, Nii-san, it would never do that... I am fine. It is just... a lot to have to think about." I sigh, calming myself down. "Well... ah, if you do not need anything, please excuse me. I need time to think on this... and you too, I am assuming. Besides, you still need to heal, and I do not want to disturb your rest. It is important for you to have it."
"...Yeah... guess you're right," he says with a sigh, but a slight smile, as if my maternalistic nature to him makes him happy. "Could you just bring me some water, please? I'm very thirsty."
I smile. "I shall be happy to. Please wait there. I will return with it shortly." With this, I bow slightly, and exit the room.
For Nii-san, doing this is not a chore... it is what Tohno Akiha does best. Loving Nii-san. Loving him completely, because in her eyes, there is almost nothing he could ask of her that she would not willfully help him with.
I walk out to the kitchen, take a glass, and put it under the water purifier. I activate the filter, and after letting it run for a few seconds, cold, purified water fills the glass before long. I shut the faucet off and examine the glass momentarily before I take it to Nii-san, and hold it out to him. He takes the glass from my hands and drinks it all down in one go, finishing with a sharp exhale of satisfaction... and a belch.
He must have certainly been quite thirsty... perhaps... he waited for this so that he could ask me to get him some water...? Even though Hisui or Kohaku would have gotten it if he had but asked... does me getting him water perhaps mean more to him, somehow...?
"Excuse me, Akiha," he says after a few breaths, commenting on his belch. "And thanks. It was cold and good." He lays back in bed, satisfied for now.
"...It is no problem. Please get some rest, Nii-san. You are healing well, so in a day or so I might allow you to get out of bed more," I inform him. His vitals are still somewhat low, but much improved, and the bandages do not appear to have soaked up blood.
"Yeah." He smiles a bit, closes his eyes, and takes his glasses off. I take the glass from him him as he sets his glasses down on the nearby endtable, and turn to leave the room.
"…...Hey, Akiha." He speaks to my back.
"...?" I turn and face him. "Yes, Nii-san? What is it?"
"…...…Thanks for putting up with me," he says to me. "I know it's a lot, and I know I worry you... so it does mean a lot."
"...Do not worry about it, Nii-san," I quickly tell him, honestly and truthfully. "I am simply happy to have you back here, with me. Where you belong."
"Yeah. I think so, too." With this, he settles in, and begins to attempt to doze off into sleep.
I cannot help but smile and feel my heart swell with happiness as I return to the sink with the glass.
Nii-san still needs Tohno Akiha. Tohno Akiha still needs Nii-san.
This is why we are inseparable, really... we are both much happier together.
And... he even... dreamed of me in that way... does... that mean...?
Next Week (2/6/11) – Chapter 36: "Dreamer's Dream"