Sorry for the delay...I've been brutally stressed out by school (taking university level physics, blah blah blah, excuses, nobody cares, just shut up and write). So, this chapter is weird and even I'm like 'what the hell is this fic and where the hell is this fic headed?' but I trust my brains and I think my brains have a plan and I hope you are still enjoying it for what it is. It's not going to go on too much longer. :-) Thank you! xoxo HiTW

Chapter 35

Severus Snape was dangling upside down by his ankle. He had just, for reasons that were incomprehensible even to himself, shouted something derogatory at Lily and she had stormed away. He had no doubt that this was the worst moment of his life.

James Potter flicked his wand, and Snape's underwear ripped off. A profound silence followed, then a quiet voice from below said, "Whoa, that's…the biggest one I've ever seen."

"Remus, what the hell," Sirius Black whispered harshly.

Remus chuckled very softly, and said, equally softly, "James, maybe you're lucky Lily left when she did."

Even from his vantage point, Severus could see how infuriated James and Sirius looked. He'd been harassed by the two of them more times than he could count, and had often heard Remus muttering words of admonishment, but this was the first time he'd done any teasing of his own, and Severus was shocked that it wasn't directed at him. "What did you say?" James snarled at Remus, losing his concentration on the spell and sending his victim crashing to the ground.

"Sorry. I'm sorry, but really. We're not second-years any more. This is just dumb-"

"You think Lily would choose this greasy, sniveling git over me?"

James turned and began to kick Severus in the ribs. "Stop!" yelled Remus, grabbing at James' arm.

James launched a Stinging Spell at his friend's face. Remus howled and danced a jig of pain. James' mouth fell open. "Shit, Moony, I'm sorry."

The distraction afforded Snape an opportunity to escape. Sectumsempra, he thought, enunciating each syllable in his mind, not sure who he wanted to target with the curse: James Potter, Sirius Black, himself. Yes, his sorry self would do, cut into irreparable pieces. He would've run his wand across his heart and let it be done, but there was an apology to be made.

He reached Gryffindor tower and after repeatedly shouting for Lily was informed by a friend of hers that she would not come down. Snape said he'd wait there all night and he settled in to do just that, sinking down against the cold wall with his head in his hands.

After a very long time, during which a nearby cliff began to whisper enticingly, he heard familiar footsteps on the stairs. He stood up and looked Lily in the eyes. "I'm sorry," he said immediately. "I didn't mean it. It was a slip of the tongue."

"Why was that on the tip of your tongue? Why is it in your mind?"

"I...don't know."

"Really? You don't see it's because of your friends?"

"They're not...I'm not like them...we're friends, you and me. I'm so sorry, Lily. If I could take it back-"

"You can't."

He grimaced and looked away. She continued, "You say you're not like them, but you hang out with them, you talk like them, you think like them. How far will you follow them? What if they start passing laws against people like me?"

"There's no way that's going to happen."

"You don't know that. If pure-blood supremacists control the Ministry, anything could happen."

"You're being paranoid-"

"Paranoid?! What about the woman who was murdered? People are saying she had the word mudblood carved into her."

Severus winced. "We don't know that's true."

"How are we to know? All we've got is rumors. You can't believe what you read, with your friend Lucius controlling the Daily Prophet."

Severus hesitated. Lucius had always been disdainful of Muggles and Muggleborns, but he had an image to uphold if he was to gather followers in order to fulfill his political goals. Being proud of his pure blood status didn't mean that he was evil, or part of an underground group that advocated violence. Severus couldn't just reject such a powerful ally, especially not someone who had always encouraged him and treated him with kindness. He didn't know how to explain it to Lily. How could he possibly make anything of himself if he turned against the only people who accepted him? He hesitated, and she left.

He wandered over to the cliff. It was definitely high enough. A wind nudged him forward slightly. He jolted and stumbled back, away from the edge. Coward.

"I swear, Hogwarts gossip travels faster than a golden Snitch," said Professor Saskia Malacrea.

"What's happened?" asked Professor Tom Marvolo Riddle-Figg-Dumbledore.

"There was a...scene after exams today. The Snape boy was supposedly dangled upside-down and stripped naked by those four Gryffindors...the Musketeers?"

"The Marauders."

"Right. Right...so, apparently whilst this was happening Snape said something offensive to Lily Evans, and so now all of Gryffindor hates him. Well, now they have a reason to hate him. Then there was another scene where he apologised...and even though she refused to accept it, I gather apologising to a Muggleborn is reason enough for certain Slytherins to see Snape as a blood-traitor or something. It's all they were talking about at dinner."

"What about Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff?"

"Ravenclaws don't talk at dinner, they're too busy studying, you know that. Hufflepuff were singing that song that goes 'why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends', over and over."

They shared a laugh, and then a sigh. Tom had seen this coming for a long time. Even without Harry's stories, Tom would've recognised from the start that Severus Snape was a person apart from the crowd. He had watched the boy sorted into Slytherin House, had seen the look of concern when Lily Evans was placed in Gryffindor alongside James Potter and Sirius Black. Tom had seen the battle lines drawn. He'd done his best to kept an eye on the situation, while also keeping his distance. He noticed torn robes, clenched teeth, slight limping, blood at the corner of the mouth. The smell of sweat, of fear and anger, when Severus came to the front of the class to hand in his work; work that was always outstanding, written in an elegant hand far more mature than his peers', almost Victorian in its neatness and grace, but devoid of any pretentious flourishes.

Tom saw that he was brilliant and in pain, a potentially dangerous combination. He desperately needed help, but seemed incapable of reaching out, probably because he'd never had anyone to reach out to, Tom supposed.

He tried to encourage the boy's confidence, praising him in the margins of his homework, hoping that the young wizard would view him as an ally. He'd initiated many conversations in passing, only to be answered with stilted, overly-formal replies. Snape wouldn't or couldn't even look him in the eyes.

It was extremely difficult for Tom to restrain himself from intervening where bullying was involved, but the humiliation of needing a teacher to defend you was not something he was going to impose on a student. Still, he took it upon himself to stealthily patrol the halls at unpredictable times. On more than one occasion he'd caught the Marauders in the act, and applied appropriate detentions and point deductions, but punishment didn't deter them for long. In fact, the bullying had gotten significantly worse this year, their fifth. It seemed that the Marauders knew Snape's every move (Tom suspected they'd created their infamous map) and James Potter was clearly besotted with Lily Evans and keen to keep her away from her childhood friend. In Tom's opinion, Lily Evans deserved better than James Potter. Tom was continuously impressed by the physical resemblance between James and Harry, but their personalities were so different it was hard to believe that this sadistic troublemaker would be Harry's dad.

That is, unless things changed. This was a crucial moment. Tom wasn't sure what to do, or if he should do anything. "Use your judgment," Harry had said.

"My judgment? I owe you everything. I can't make decisions that could affect your life."

"Sure you can. Especially because I did it to you. I trust you...really, just use your judgment."

"As part of your family? As a professor? As someone with knowledge of the future?"

"Whatever you feel is right."

"But if I interfere...things could turn out differently."

Harry had shrugged. "You take everything too seriously."

Tom recalled his smile, and his own trickle of nervousness, even then, ten years ago, when this situation was still a distant fantasy. Could it be so easy to place your future in someone else's hands? Tom rubbed his face. "Saskia, how did we get to be fifty?"

"Merlin, don't rush it. We're still mid-to-late forties, I think they call it."

"Middle aged."

"For Muggles, maybe. I plan on rounding two hundred, at least."

Tom got up from his desk and kissed his wife. "I'm going to do some damage control here, if possible. Say goodnight to the girls for me."

Saskia nodded. "I can't believe Ariana will be a first year in the fall."

Tom groaned. "Is the book definitely closed on Beauxbatons?"

"Definitely. This is our home, and our children will go to school here."

Tom swallowed hard. "There's a killer on the loose. Did you see the victim's photograph? Dark hair, pale skin...she could've been our daughter. Or you."

"So, even though she died in London, hundreds of kilometers away, we're in danger because we look like her? Tom, be reasonable. The papers only say that she was killed. The part about it being motivated by her blood status was probably made up by Slytherin students."

"You're probably right. But some of their parents work for the Ministry, and have access to the case details that weren't put in the paper."

Saskia sighed. "If there is a conspiracy, it's that the pure-bloods want to frighten us into picking up and leaving, so they told their kids to spread rumors. Or maybe the Ministry doesn't want to start a panic, which is sensible. What happened to her is horrible...for Merlin's sake, she was only twenty five...but terrible things happen sometimes. It doesn't mean we're not safe here."

"You've had death threats, just for teaching Muggle science."

"You've had love letters, just for being handsome. Okay, you've convinced me. We've simply got to pack it in. Where shall we go? Where's safe enough for you? How about New Zealand? Stunning landscapes. More sheep than people. You want to leave right away? I'll give notice."

"Stop, I get it. You know I'm obsessive."

"Haven't you got someone else to worry about right now?"

"Yes, I'd better find Snape before the other students decide he's the killer."

Saskia frowned. "I hadn't thought of that. It's just daft and illogical enough to fly at Hogwarts. What are you waiting for?"

Tom ran into the Marauders as they neared Gryffindor tower. They froze in their tracks, tried to look casual. "Let me borrow the map for a minute," Tom said.

"What map?" drawled James Potter.

"The map that shows the location of everyone at Hogwarts, that you four made. I'm not confiscating it. I just need to find someone."

James reluctantly pulled the map out of his robes, wishing that he'd thought to charm it not to respond to the Head of Slytherin House (and the Heir of Slytherin, no less). A really dumb oversight, now that he thought about it. They'd been so focused on hating Snape that they'd underestimated a cleverer opponent. Tom took the map, tapped it with his wand and quietly said, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

"You aren't supposed to use Legilimency on your students unless you're teaching them Occlumency, Professor," said James.

Tom smiled, but didn't look up from the map. It was huge, and scanning it for a name could take a long time. "I suppose you think you're the only one who's allowed to break the rules, Mr Potter."

After about a minute, he caught sight of Severus near the Forbidden Forest. He folded the map and tapped it again. "Mischief managed."

The boys were holding their breath. Tom handed the parchment back to James and looked at each of them in turn. Tom hadn't asked for specifics about the war in Harry's time, the war that was supposed to have already begun, but he knew that it had ultimately destroyed all four of the young men standing before him. "Oh, children. You have no idea how quickly things can change. The world is violent. It's so important to be kind to each other. Especially people you don't like. It takes true courage to do that."

Before they could respond, Tom turned and walked away. He found Snape standing near the woods, facing the lake. Hogwarts castle was ablaze with amber lights against the night sky, but Snape wasn't looking at it. His head was hung, face nearly hidden in his black cloak; the picture of despair. Tom didn't want to startle him, so he made his footfalls as loud as possible in the grass. Snape abruptly whirled in his direction, wand at the ready. Tom put his hands up and said, "Just wanted to let you know curfew's in twenty minutes."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pointed my wand at you, sir. Thank you, sir."

Snape made no move to return to the castle. Tom waited for a while, then asked, "Are exams going well?"

"Yes, sir."

"I was wondering if you'd be interested in learning Legilimency and Occlumency."

"I...I am, Professor. But don't you only offer that to seventh years? I haven't sat my D.A.D.A. O.W.L. yet, sir."

"I know you'll do Outstanding."

"Thank you, sir."

"We can start tonight, if you'd like."

Severus blinked and looked in his direction, gaze daring to drift as high as Tom's shirt collar. "Thank you, but why tonight, sir?"

"Forgive me for saying so, but you seem like you could use it."

Snape scrubbed at his eyes, as if to rid them of emotion. Tom reached out towards him, then thought better of it, and said, "I didn't mean that you should control yourself. It's the opposite...you might find relief by letting go."

The young man drew a shuddering breath, a sob trapped in his chest. "S-sorry, but you've caught me at a...bad time."

"Mr. Snape."

The voice was so soft and kind it surprised Severus into looking up. He made eye contact with Tom for an instant, then quickly averted his gaze. Tom got a glimpse of a man of his own stature, from the perspective of a cowering boy. He sensed a sorrow so deep it felt like there was a black hole where his heart should be. I remind him of his father.

Tom steadied himself, tried not to react, and in the same quiet tone continued, "I think it would help. I'd Obliviate anything you don't want me to remember."

Snape nodded, and when Tom turned to walk back towards the castle, his student followed him. "Would you prefer my office on the third floor, or the dungeons?" Tom asked once they were inside.

"Wherever you like, sir."

"Imagine the castle is your mind. A human mind is just as sprawling, clandestine, changeable...if not moreso. Where in the castle do you feel the most secure?"

"The Potions room."

Soon they were in the chapel-like chamber, surrounded by rows upon rows of glass jars full of ingredients. Tom moved a few cauldrons off the table, and then they sat down across from each other. "Now, Mr Snape, since this is the first lesson and you have exams in the morning, I don't want to exhaust you. Full-force Legilimency can feel like the door of your mind being kicked in, or even blown off its hinges. Occlumency in its crudest form is like installing a steel-reinforced door against invaders. A more subtle form of Occulmency allows the Legilimens to believe they've opened the door, by creating a projection of yourself who greets guests in the front hall of your castle. That takes time and practice to master, but some have more natural ability than others. To assess you, what I'd like to do is knock gently, just so you can get used to the feeling, and when you feel like you're ready, you open the door."

"Open it, sir? I thought I was supposed to resist."

"You won't know what to resist unless you experience it. I've found it's much better teaching this way than by force."

"You swear you'll Obliviate any...anything..."

"Yes, I promise."

Severus looked at him. It was hard to maintain direct eye contact, but he forced himself. He soon felt a strange, cold, tugging sensation from the back of his skull out through his eyes. It didn't hurt, but he felt as if he would be pulled along with it if he didn't resist, and the instinct to resist won out. He felt an odd shudder, like a muscle reaching its maximum endurance. "Sorry."

"No need to apologise. It's good that you already have some defenses. A lot of people your age, their minds are wide open. They wear their thoughts on the surface of their eyes."

Snape thought of Lily's eyes, of how they'd flashed with hurt and anger. Tom said, "She wasn't just upset about what you called her. She cares about you. She's worried you're headed down the wrong path."

"Wait...I didn't let you in."

"You did, with one moment's thought of Lily. She's your biggest vulnerability. I'm impressed, Mr Snape. You already have a projection of yourself, a taller, adult version of you, defending the rest of you."

"Not well enough, apparently, sir."

"You've only just begun. Nobody's perfect to start, but you're a natural at shielding. Your projection is facing me, mirroring my movements as I try to see from different angles, always staying between me and those behind you, trying to protect them."

"Them?"

Tom looked, and he saw things that he was sure Severus would not want him to see. Right behind him, almost disappearing into his shadow, sat an empty-eyed, unwashed child covered in welts and bruises, rocking back and forth in an attempt to self-comfort. Tom could've pushed into that child's world, into his sense-memories, but he knew it would be traumatic for both of them. He looked instead at an older boy also standing behind the projection. He seemed about fifteen, Snape's current age, but his appearance was distorted: the body emaciated, the nose freakishly oversized, skin sallow and lesioned. A monstrous, corpse-like image. A quick push into this figure's inner world yielded a black tangle of self-destructive fantasies. Trauma, depression, low self-esteem, Tom thought, sadly unsurprised. He could've guessed as much without using Legilimency. Tom noticed that the cadaverous boy would occasionally glance at a red-haired girl standing nearby, then bury his face in his hands as his shoulders shook with sobs. Tom turned his attention to the girl. She was a happy version of Lily, lit up as if the sun was shining on her. She was a bit idealised, but not unrealistically so. Whereas all of the guilty feelings about her seemed to radiate from the corpse figure, all of the positive feelings emerged from her image itself. There was no interaction between her and a normal looking version of Severus. Even the projection stood with his back to her, more keen on shielding her than enjoying her company. "You are capable of adoring her from afar, without having to possess her. You will always love her, even if she doesn't return your love," Tom said aloud.

Severus blushed and nodded. Tom continued, choosing his words carefully, "What makes you so sure she doesn't love you?"

"Who could?" His tone wasn't self-pitying; it was genuinely unsure.

"Someone who knows there is a side of you that is loving. There were many acts of kindness between you, as children. A very deep friendship."

"We were best friends. But we've been drifting apart. You said she cares...that she's worried about me. How do you know that?"

"She said as much when she asked you how far you'd follow your friends."

"They're not! Lily's my friend. I only hang around those people because they're powerful and can help me become powerful, too. If what she says about pure-bloods taking over is true, then there needs to be someone on the inside to resist them. Wouldn't Lily and all the Muggleborns be safer that way, with me spying for them?"

"I don't know. What's important is that you realise you have a choice. I don't think you can have it both ways."

Severus closed his eyes. When he thought about losing the respect of his Slytherin acquaintances –especially Lucius– and compared it to the thought of losing Lily, the choice was clear. An unfamiliar peace came over him. "Thank you, Professor. If you don't mind...I should get some sleep."

"Would you like me to Obliviate anything?"

"No, that's alright, sir."

"Mr Snape, you need to meet with a psychological healer."

"I...I don't have the money for that, sir."

"I'll cover all expenses."

"I couldn't possibly-"

"I'm obscenely wealthy. I insist."

Severus realised he really ought to be wondering what his professor was up to with all of this, why he had been singled out for attention all of a sudden, but he was too distracted by thoughts of how he could make things right with Lily.

The next morning at breakfast, he approached the Gryffindor table. Ignoring the glares and jeers of everyone around Lily, he asked her to please have a private word, to listen to one last thing he had to say. She still refused, but he wouldn't leave. The Gryffindors began to shout at him to bugger off, Prefects were rising from their places, and looks were being drawn from the Professors' table, but everyone fell silent as Snape did one very simple thing. He slid off his school tie, removed that noose of silver and green from around his neck, and dropped it unceremoniously to the floor. If this was what it took to show her his loyalty, so be it. If the Slytherins wouldn't have him back, he'd sleep in the halls, in abandoned classrooms, on the grounds under the stars.

Lily's eyes widened. The corners of her mouth began to twitch, then slowly curve upwards, finally bursting into a delighted smile. To Severus, it was like seeing the sun peek over the horizon after a long and frigid night. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Apology accepted."

"No!" shouted a Gryffindor girl, who didn't fully comprehend the significance of the tie-dropping. "He called you mudblood! You can't forgive that!"

"I'm half-blood," said Severus, loudly. "That pureblood stuff is pure shite."

There were gasps, mostly from the Slytherin table. Well, it was official…he would never be allowed into any elitist blood purity club after saying that. It would get back to Lucius as fast as a student could scribble a note and an owl could fly. It'd be a miracle if he made it through the next hour without being attacked, but he didn't care, and besides, at least now he'd be harassed for something that mattered.

In retrospect, the shrewd Slytherin choice would've been to wait until he could get Lily alone, but this way felt right, somehow, with all the Gryffindors watching. Snape felt like an imposter, he was much more nervous than his appearance was letting on, but his instincts told him that his bravery was genuine, and daring to glance around the table he saw, mixed in with expressions of shock, disgust, and confusion, that some of the Gryffindors looked impressed. "It's finally happened, he's gone loony. Maybe we pushed him too far, like Remus warned," Sirius said to James, who looked as if his life were flashing before his eyes.

Lily rose and hugged Severus. Everyone in the Great Hall stared at them. The embrace was brief. Lily turned back towards the bench. "Would you mind making room?" she said to Gryffindors on either side of the place where she'd been sitting. Neither budged, so after a moment, Lily calmly pulled off her school tie, dropped it next to her friend's, and the two left the hall together. As soon as they were through the doorway, a hundred voices began to shout at once. From outside, it sounded like cheering.

The young witch and wizard looked at each other and burst out laughing, as freely as they ever had as children, in those rare moments when Severus forgot himself and entirely dropped his guard. They grabbed at each other's hands, and he thought of how she signed her letters with all those little 'X's. Before today, he'd never dared to believe that she would give him a real kiss, and he still wasn't sure, wasn't brave enough to ask. It seemed pathetic that he could throw away his entire future without a second thought, but couldn't ask for a kiss. Being bullied and ostracized was something he understood. Romance…he didn't know how to do it right. He didn't know if it was what she wanted, and he certainly didn't want to ruin things again.

They got their laughter under control and wiped tears from their eyes. "What are we going to do?" asked Lily, grinning.

"Exams don't start for an hour. Want to go for a walk?"

And so they did, into a morning that was clear and bright. "Lily…you didn't have to take off your school tie just because they wouldn't let me sit there."

"I know, but stubborn Gryffindor pride really annoys me sometimes. There's more to life than House loyalty, obviously."

"What about your friends?"

"My true friends will understand. At least Remus will understand."

Severus blushed as he remembered Remus's comments from the previous day. Lily couldn't possibly care about something like that. It was dirty, and she was a good girl. "Lily, you're a prefect. You have to be a role model."

"Oh, whatever," she said dreamily. "Do you remember the first time on the Hogwarts Express, when Sirius was so hell-bent on not getting sorted into Slytherin? So, he became a Gryffindor…but such a cruel bully. I think he's afraid he's evil inside…he thinks that's his Slytherin part. He lashes out at people who remind him of his fear. I think you could show him he's wrong about you, and himself. This whole time I think you were just afraid to stand up for the truth, and the truth is that you are a good person. Somewhere along the way you just got scared, and it's been so hard to watch because I know how you really feel...you're the one who told me being Muggleborn makes no difference! But today you were so brave and amazing and you don't have to switch allegiance to Gryffindor or anything, but please don't be scared anymore."

If ever there was a perfect segue for him to make a move, this was it. "What about James?" he asked instead.

"If we can get Sirius to come around, I'm sure James will, too."

We, he thought. He swallowed hard. His heart was racing. "You know…he likes you. A lot."

Lily nodded solemnly. "Yes, he does."

"How do you feel about him?"

"You mean do I return his affection? No. I don't date bullies. You don't hurt someone I love and expect to win my heart. Though he did save your life once, that doesn't quite erase the years of bullying…and I'm sorry to say this but I think he did it to avoid the consequences, not because it was the right thing to do. I might grow to be his close friend, if he stops being such a prat and makes things up to you in a huge way."

Severus was staring at her. "You...love me...even after what I said?"

"You do know that your allegiance with the blood purists was the only deciding factor...don't you?"

It was plain to see that he hadn't known, had never imagined. "But...but I've got nothing...I'm poor and ugly and I've got to see a psychological healer-"

Her shocked expression stopped him. "Oh, no, Sev, no. You think I'd love an arrogant child, just because he's good-looking and rich? Just who the hell do you think I am? Do you think I'm shallow?"

"No! No, I'm sorry, I…I, um..."

"Do you love me?"

"Since the moment I saw you. I figured you knew. I figured girls know these things."

"How do you figure? You were always acting so aloof and insisting we were friends all the time. We aren't mind readers."

"I'm learning."

"What?"

"Occlumency. Legilimency."

"Fascinating. May I kiss you?"

"Right now?"

"Oh, please-"

She closed the distance between them and kissed him, gently, entreatingly, then with increasing insistence. It was his first kiss and it was terribly stiff and awkward at first, but she wasn't giving up, wasn't turning away in disgust, if anything it was like she'd been handed a quest to make him feel good, and she slowly, inexorably began to work her magic, exactly like a charm.

(sorry to any James Potter fans...but I really don't like him. Teenagers break up all the time, though, so don't worry, there's still a chance.)