I Am NOT Going Through Puberty Again!

A Naruto crackwut

By

EvilFuzzy9

Rating: T...ish

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Hinata; [NaruHina, SasuSaku]

Summary: Our heroes did not come from a future where everything has gone horribly wrong. They did not travel back in time to save the world from a bleak or miserable fate. As a matter of fact, all they want to do is find a way back home as soon as possible. [cracky, epilogue-compliant time travel fic]

Hospital Room
Timeline Gamma
The Future

"Nobody takes us seriously."

Naruto squinted at the ceiling, discontent, his brow furrowed in frustration. Sasuke frowned and followed his gaze.

He saw buzzing fluorescent lights and sterile white tiles, plaster specked and mottled with minute lumps and depressions. Squinting irritably at this reminder of their present location, he glared at the strap on his wrist and the connected IV. They were in the hospital, in a private room inaccessible to all but a select few.

Most staff didn't even know about this hidden wing reserved chiefly for ANBU injured on top secret missions, high ranking members of command, and the Hokage. There was no outside documentation of the secret wing or its patients – all copies of the hospital's blueprints were censored to remove it, even the ones in the Konoha archives.

Only four medics in the entire village even had the security clearance to actually work in here. Tsunade, Shizune, Sakura, and Mitsuki... and Sakura was effectively out of commission for the foreseeable future.

Not that Sasuke or Naruto knew any of this. They just knew that they were in the hospital for today, getting subjected to test after test after test because reasons. Monitors and strange, futuristic-looking devices beeped and whined as they carried out their inscrutable functions, a kabelsalat of tubes and wires fastened to their bodies like strings on puppets.

It was uncomfortable on multiple levels.

Sasuke, for his part, absolutely hated every step of the experience. His strongest memory related to the smells and sights of a hospital room was waking up in one, tired and alone, lost and bereft after the events of a certain tragic night.

Being forced to lie in a bed like this, hooked up to a dozen different machines and poked and prodded like a science experiment reminded him all too much of the shock, the numbness, the helplessness, and the hollow gaping wound of a sensation that was having his entire world destroyed and everyone he had ever known or loved torn away from him before he could even say goodbye. Before he could even understand what was happening.

Sasuke grimaced. He could manage nothing else.

"We're just a curiosity to them," he bitterly muttered. "An inconvenience, even. The people they really care about are the ones we replaced. We're just kids, a bad job for them to trudge through."

Naruto stared at Sasuke. "...wow, you're DEPRESSING. The hell does Sakura-chan even see in you?"

"I ask myself the same question every day," Sasuke said with a shrug. "And you're the one who started this discussion, Naruto. I'm just carrying on with the natural discourse."

"But I didn't mean anything like what you said," Naruto protested. "You're just being a gloomy jerk, you... dumb gloomy jerk!"

"Right," Sasuke drawled. "Because genuinely insightful observations are sooo far beyond your mental capacity."

Blink.

"Did... did you just insult me?"

"Yes," Sasuke deadpanned. "Yes, I did."

"...jerk."

"Scathing."

A lull ensued in the conversation. The pair sat there on their respective hospital beds, giving each other dirty looks as the medical science machine things continued to beep and boop in that technical way things do. Naruto irritably fussed with the bandages on his right arm while Sasuke rolled his eyes and looked over at the door.

He hummed quietly, wondering whether there might be anyone waiting outside. And while he didn't see any shadows in the space under the door, thinking about this did get him to recall the other two, and ponder where they might be. They hadn't seen the girls in a couple hours, since their minders had sneaked them here for another periodic check up.

Feeling the air against his bare back, Sasuke took a moment to express silent gratitude to whoever was looking out for him up there that Miss Shizune had at least not instructed them to remove their underwear as well. Still, it was a tiny bit embarrassing, he registered in the remote corner of his mind that still considered the cares and tendencies of a normal preteen boy, to be wearing this damned hospital gown.

In a way, he supposed it was a good thing the girls were in a separate room. Hinata seemed uninterested in him, at least, but there was no telling how Sakura might act if she was in here with him. Considering how forward some of his other fangirls had acted at times... although she DID seem to have grown much more down-to-earth over the course of their time here...

Unbidden, Sasuke mused that the girls were probably wearing hospital gowns as well. Some animal part of his hindbrain reflexively pondered for a fleeting instant what kind of underwear they might be wearing, and while he quickly dispelled any musings on the view Hinata might present, the related thoughts of Sakura were significantly more difficult to expunge.

Finally he broke the silence, even if only to divert himself.

"Where do you suppose they're keeping Sakura and Hinata?" he wondered.

"I'unno. The next room over?" said Naruto distractedly. "Why d'you ask?"

Sasuke simply shrugged and said nothing. A slight dusting of red was visible on his cheeks.

Naruto saw this, and he stared perplexedly. Musty, rusty, cobwebbed wheels and cogs slowly started to squeak and turn inside his head. With a thoughtful frown, he narrowed his eyes and scratched his chin.

"Wait... You don't have a thing for Hinata, do you...?" he asked in a suspicious tone. His mouth twitched, lips moving to expose his teeth in something that was decidedly NOT a smile. A gleam of something slightly irrational entered his eyes.

Sasuke gave Naruto a frankly bewildered look.

"Huh?" he said. "Why on earth would you—?"

As abruptly as Naruto asked the question, the blond then laughed and shook his head. His expression softened immediately.

"No, never mind," he said, chuckling amusedly to himself. "That's crazy talk. You're not even interested in girls."

Sasuke bristled.

"And what gives you THAT impression, Naruto? What exactly are you implying?"

"That I'm not turning my back on you so long as I'm wearing this hospital gown, for one thing," Naruto wisecracked. "And, seriously, do you even have to ask? I've never seen you give a girl the time of day. Like, ever."

"Only because they've all acted like mindless, squealing fangirls," Sasuke said. "Maybe if I met someone with a modicum of restraint and self respect, I might be interested..."

He stared into the middle distance, saying this, a light blush marginally darkening. Naruto cocked an eyebrow and watched him suspiciously.

"Heeeh. You look like you already have someone in mind," the blond commented, displaying an uncharacteristic level of romantic insight.

Sasuke did a double take.

"Buh, wha—!?" he sputtered. "N-No, what are you talking about?!"

Naruto scratched his chin, narrowing his eyes in a piercing glance. With a thoughtful expression steadily turning smug, a hint of comprehension kindled behind those vulpine slits. A shit-eating grin spread across his lips, making the Uchiha grimace, and Naruto sagely nodded.

"Ohhh... so that's how it is," he said.

"What's how WHAT is?" Sasuke demanded, sounding a touch defensive.

Naruto's eyes twinkled.

"Just that if it's not Hinata you're thinking about... well, then it can only be Sakura-chan!" he said, looking gleefully victorious at having made this deduction.

Sasuke turned as red as a tomato and coughed nervously into his fist. For a moment, he recalled the state he and Sakura had first awakened in after coming to this crazy future, and thought again despite himself of the hospital gowns they presently wore.

Anxious to distract himself from these thoughts, he tried to change the subject at least a little bit.

"You seem far less upset to say that than I would have expected, Naruto," he observed in a not-so-smooth evasion. "Didn't you have this big crush on her?"

Naruto shrugged, blushing and looking a hair sheepish.

"Eh, I think maybe I still do, a little bit," he mumbled. "But she's never been interested in me, right? This the future. She's married to you. And me, I... I'm married to Hinata-chan."

He waved a hand.

"I dunno, but it's made me think about some things, seeing how all this turns out. You dig? Like, what even IS love, really? I thought I knew, but I'm starting to think I really didn't. Sakura-chan's pretty, and it's fun to be around her, but... is love something you feel right away, or something you learn to share, or something you do because you're supposed to?

"I can't say. We're still just kids. Heck, maybe we aren't SUPPOSED to know who we want to spend the rest of our lives with yet, and maybe I was just telling myself that I like Sakura-chan because that's what seemed like the normal thing... or because she liked you."

Naruto said this last bit with a guilty expression, meeting Sasuke's eyes.

"Maybe... Maybe I thought that if I got her to like me and not you, it'd be like I'd finally beaten you at something..." He then shook his head. "But that's not what love is really about, is it? That's dumb, and I'm dumb for thinking like that... but even then, somehow Hinata-chan still manages to..."

He blushed, trailing off with a thoughtful expression.

Sasuke stared, dumbstruck.

"Wow, that—that actually sounds really mature."

"Eh? You think so?" Naruto said dubiously. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. It sounds like something an adult would say, somehow."

"Huh. Maybe..." Naruto shrugged. "But honestly, despite all that fancy talk, a big part of it is how much Sakura-chan punches me. She does it a LOT, and it really hurts. I probably shouldn't like her as much as I do, when you think about it."

"...yes, you're probably right," Sasuke agreed, wincing sympathetically.

"Well, Hinata? Can you see them?"

With some degree of trepidation, Sakura asked the Hyuuga this question.

"Yes," came Hinata's meek answer, the woman managing a bashful expression even with her eyes white and rimmed by bulging veins. "I can, uh, see them... while I can't see outside this wing... it, um, looks like they have seals to block against doujutsu... but I can see them, yes."

Her expression was frozen like a deer in headlights, and her mumbling was a cross between adorable and exasperating.

"'Blocked against'? Kind of an odd wording..." Sakura muttered, before shaking her head. "Well, anyways, how are the boys? Do they seem okay?"

"Ah... er, y-yes," Hinata stammered. "They're fine."

Her face was bright pink, and Sakura did not fail to notice. A lightbulb went off in her head.

"Wait," she said. "They aren't..."

Sakura looked down at her and Hinata's hospital gowns... these frumpy, backless, barely modest things Shizune-san had told them to wear...

Her cheeks burned when the obvious point finally registered.

Hinata blushed and nodded.

"Oh," Sakura squeaked, eyes widening considerably. "OHHH. I am so sorry, Hinata."

And also way jealous! part of her wanted to add.

Ruefully, the pinkette recalled how she had woken up in bed with Sasuke on their first day in this future, and in a repressed corner of her adolescent mind wished that she had, at the time, taken more effort to appreciate the view. It'd been weird at first, but now that she had gotten used to the idea of these adult bodies...

Hinata did a sort of noncommittal half-shrug and deactivated her byakugan. Quietly she stared at her feet, obviously a bit embarrassed.

"It's okay," she said, smiling a tad abashedly. "You were just concerned about Sasuke-kun and Naruto-kun, and I'm the only one who could check up on them without leaving this room. I understand. I don't mind."

But I do! exclaimed Inner Sakura. I'm the only one allowed to look at Sasuke-kun's tush! Ch'yeah! SHANNARO!

Sakura blushed at this, as though Inner Sakura was a person standing in the room with them and those words were actual verbal speech, rather than just a moderately comedic literary device to show the contrast between the sweet, prim, girlish persona she projected and the crazed, angry, sweaty animal she really was deep down. Which could itself be taken as a mild commentary on the significant gap between society's ideals and what it actually fosters.

But the door to their room opened before any more half-assed philosophy could be regurgitated onto the screen, and in stepped Shizune carrying an electronic "tablet" thingy in her hand. Closing the door behind herself, she greeted Hinata and Sakura with a nod.

"Hello, girls. Sorry for making you wait, but I had to check up on a few other things, first."

Sakura frowned a touch peevishly at this statement and crossed her arms over her chest. Her expression was basically a pout and conveyed none of the severity or authority that her face could manage. She just didn't have the experience or subtlety or menace of her adult self, and it really showed.

Especially in her eyes.

She looked like a surly kitten despite possessing the visage of an austere tigress, and this contrast left Shizune struggling not to giggle.

At the other end of the spectrum Hinata mumbled a soft greeting, clearly self-conscious and shy in her present state. Even if her entire extended family basically had X-ray vision and could see through both walls and clothes (as well as many other things besides), it was still a whole other matter to have one's back actually physically exposed, especially for a person who suffered from so many problems in the realms of confidence and social anxiety.

Shizune afforded Hinata a warm smile and made an effort not to show any dismay at seeing the first lady of Konoha regressed to such a state as this.

"What did they want us for this time, Shizune-san?" queried Sakura in a faux courteous tone. "Do you know?"

Of course you do. Tell us and get it over with, you old hag! We have better things to do with our time! was not said aloud, and Sakura did a good job of hiding her irritation, but there was a tension in the air nonetheless. As with any doctor visit, or ANY social interaction really, this was an exercise in patience and politeness – both things the pinkette was pretty good at faking.

Shizune nodded, pretending not to notice the tone of irritation in Sakura's voice. "It's just an obligatory physical, mostly. You girls have been doing a lot of training to overcome that chakra anemia, but we still want to check for any side effects or anomalies."

Sakura smiled falsely and pointed to one of the machines to which she and Hinata were hooked.

"Those are new," she said lightly, making a pointed observation and framing it as a casual remark.

Shizune cocked her head and looked at the machines as though noticing them for the first time, which was total bull because she had been the one to hook the girls up in the first place.

"Ahh. So there are," she said vaguely.

"What are they for?" Sakura inquired, more direct now in her interrogatives.

Shizune pursed her lips.

"It's technical, very complicated. You probably wouldn't understand," she said. This much was true. "But basically, they're just there to check for anomalies in your chakra." This was a partial truth. "It's nothing too important, honestly."

That was a lie. Hinata could tell, and so could Sakura. Neither one challenged it, however.

There were more important matters to cover.

Konohamaru Sarutobi was not at home in the laboratory of Konoha's shinobi hospital. He was a fighter, not a doctor, and if he could help it he would never set foot in places like these. Mitsuki wanted him here, though, for whatever reason, and he had nothing better to do seeing as how half his team was currently pretty much under house arrest.

So here he was.

Stiff as a board with hands securely at his sides, Konohamaru stared in ill-disguised bewilderment at a bristling array of stainless steel instruments, cutting edge computers, and assorted tissue and fluid samples. This was not his environment. He didn't know the first thing about half this stuff.

...Three quarters of it.

... ... ...okay, he recognized effectively NOTHING.

That wasn't the point, though – well, fine, it was partially the point – but primarily it was that Mitsuki looked perfectly at home among all this, even though his sensei was at a complete loss, and the young man worked like the master of a craft, ferrying samples and data sheets between stations, operating state-of-the-art machinery like it was old hat.

Konohamaru couldn't help but gape a little. It was nothing less than humbling, and it made him feel so proud. The aim of any decent teacher was naturally to see their students surpass them, and right now it was clear to him just HOW highly skilled and specialized Mitsuki was.

The young man was a elite member of Konoha's medical corps, and that made him an invaluable asset on the field. Even if he wasn't as strong a fighter as Sarada or Boruto, he was just as indispensable as they were on missions, if not even moreso.

High level bruisers, jutsu experts, and combat specialists were a dime-a-dozen, so to speak. Just about any ninja could throw a punch, or swing a sword, or manipulate the intangible essences of mind and body into arcane spells and illusions capable of warping the very laws of nature. That was amateur hour in the world of shinobi.

In contrast, soldiers with a baseline talent and proficiency in field medicine and the restorative arts were rare, and genuine masters of healing were priceless, one-in-a-million treasures. It was almost impossible to find ninja with any sort of knack for iryou ninjutsu. Their tactical, strategic, and logistical value could hardly be overstated, either.

How did Boruto put it...?

"Going on an A-rank mission without a medic is like ironmanning a post-endgame dungeon without a cleric – insanity at the most generous, and basically asking to get party wiped on the first floor."

Konohamaru didn't understand half that lingo, but the point was still obvious. Medic-nin were worth their weight in gold, and for a good reason. Soldiers with the ability to keep other soldiers fit and fighting were a godsend no matter the occasion, and the ability to minimize needless casualties was both humanitarian and pragmatically ideal.

There was a reason Konoha had such a longstanding tradition of assigning at least one medic to every team.

So Konohamaru respected his student, and he was as proud of Mitsuki's accomplishments in medicine as he was of Boruto and Sarada's more relatable feats as fighters. Even if he didn't understand all of it, he appreciated what the kids did, and he knew that he had taught them well. Thus he respected Mitsuki's workspace and politely, sensibly refrained from touching anything.

That, and it all looked both important and expensive, and he did not feel like getting in trouble.

"You see anything interesting?" he asked his student after this lengthy silence of waiting with slowly diminishing patience for the lad to say something.

Mitsuki looked up from some kind of fancy microscope-seeming thingamajig and shrugged.

"Nothing that would make sense to anyone without an extensive background in radiation and theoretical physics," was his prompt and frank reply. "But these chakra samples might be useful to Bolt and Sarada. They think cross-referencing any anomalies here with the hyperdimensional wave patterns they've been compiling might help pin down the universe their jutsu created..."

A pause.

"Or would it be the universe their jutsu accessed?" Mitsuki wondered to himself, stroking an imaginary beard. "I don't know, paratemporal causality isn't my thing. I'm a doctor. I deal with biology."

Konohamaru blinked.

"Uh, yeah," he said intelligently, clearing his throat and nodding. "Sure, that sounds like it could work."

"...you didn't understand a word of that, did you."

"I zoned out as soon as you said 'nothing that would make sense'," Konohamaru admitted.

Mitsuki shrugged.

"Fair enough. Just think of it like cosmic forensics, basically. The chakra of our... guests is like a shoe, and I'm essentially the quirky but charming lab technician tasked with checking the dirt in the treads for any distinctive traces of rare or region-specific chemicals, minerals, plant fibers, or junk. Zoom and enhance!" he said with a chuckle, making his sensei laugh.

"Oh, okay. That makes sense."

"No, it still really doesn't. But then, things involving those two rarely ever do." Mitsuki shook his head bemusedly. "Seriously, how is it that I am the most normal member of our team?"

"Hey, I'm not that weird!" Konohamaru laughingly protested.

"Are we pretending that I never walked in on your and Hanabi-san's hideous depravity, then?"

"...we were having a thumb war," Konohamaru deadpanned.

"Exactly. You perverts make me sick," Mitsuki drawled.

"Seriously, what's so perverted about that?!" Konohamaru demanded in bewilderment.

Beat.

"Don't you get it?" Mitsuki said. "You two were fingering each other. Fingering."

He got a smarmy grin the second he said this, and Konohamaru twitched.

"Nobody with a sense of humor that awful has any right to call themselves normal," he muttered.

Once again, Mitsuki shrugged.

"Must I bring up the fact that you also spend half your time publicly prancing around in the guise of a naked woman? That's not normal in ANY context."

"...Hanabi likes it," Konohamaru reflexively sniped.

"Ugh, keep your sex life out of this!" Mitsuki said, making a face.

Konohamaru flushed scarlet.

"G-Get your head out of the gutter, smartass!" he said. "I just meant she thinks it's funny!"

"Riiiiight," Mitsuki rolled his eyes. "Funny. The same way Tamaki-san 'thinks it's funny' when Kiba-san strips down, puts on a dog collar, and licks peanut butter from her—"

"NO!" Konohamaru yelped. "Sheesh! Where do you even hear this stuff?!"

Mitsuki smiled politely.

"You learn a lot about a man's sex life when you spend twenty minutes dislodging an ornamental dog tail plug from his—"

Konohamaru blanched.

"OKAY. Okay! I get it. No need to go into graphic detail."

Mitsuki smiled.

"That's what I thought❤"

Yamato, also known as Tenzo, also known as Kinoe, was in a reasonably good mood as he headed back to work from his lunch break. His eyes were crinkled in a pleasant smile, and there was the slightest skip in his step. Despite everything that had happened with the Hokage and his friends and the kids lately, today was a good day for the veteran ANBU captain.

It really did make his work feel a lot more rewarding just to know that there would be a beautiful, loving wife to greet him when he got home. Merely thinking about his dear Yukimi and the dimpled freckles of her bright, welcoming smile made Yamato feel twice as vibrant. She was his morning dew and midday sun, the twinkle of her eyes and the press of her lips better able to sustain him than any coffee or bento.

They'd talked again the night before about trying for a kid. While such discussion might have stressed or tensed a younger man, and made other men his age worry about various matters of virility and stability, Yamato felt more than ready for a child. Some would say the two of them were far past the age to consider such things, being well into their forties and nearing the big five-zero, but with medical science as good as it was and life expectancies for shinobi higher than they'd ever been before, he saw no reason why it shouldn't be possible.

It was probably because he was getting past his prime that Yamato really felt the desire to have a son or daughter. He was over the hill, he'd surmounted the peak, and now he was starting to go down the other side. His body was no longer able to handle the intensive training regimens of his youth, and already he had noticed signs of slowed reflexes and flagging stamina.

No amount of training could entirely forestall the inevitable march of time, and sooner or later (more likely sooner than not) Yamato would have to excuse himself from field duty as an ANBU and graduate to less intensive work as a senior administrator. That, or retire from active service altogether and live off his generous pension as a seasoned and accomplished black ops agent.

Either way, what better time was there to think about having kids? Yes, there would be naysayers and genuine difficulties – Yamato had no illusions about what impact the nearly sleepless lifestyle of the parents of an infant would have on his aging body, and the stresses of child-rearing probably WOULD be harder on Yukimi and himself than they'd be on another, younger couple. But he felt like the potential rewards outweighed the risks, and so did Yukimi.

And even if they weren't successful in conceiving, there was still plenty of reward to be found just in trying. Shallower souls might be offput at the thought of a man who showed his age as outwardly as Yamato did copulating with his wife who, while having aged a touch more gracefully with her civilian lifestyle and generally low-stress outlook, still looked much closer to fifty than thirty. But he believed it was a beautiful thing the two of them shared, and she wholeheartedly concurred.

So, yes. The two of them had made some very intensive love the night before, and that morning, and during his lunch break. And they had enjoyed it thoroughly, gray hairs, wrinkles, stretch marks and all.

But that aside, Yamato had also had a good day in much simpler ways. He'd woken on the right side of the bed, so to speak, and it felt like there was a little ray of sunshine following him all throughout the morning. He'd felt unusually well-rested and content filing the paperwork from his latest mission, and even their usual lunch had tasted extra savory.

Life today just seemed especially worth living, and Yamato felt like there was nothing that could possibly ruin his mood as he headed back to ANBU HQ.

So of course, he had to run into something guaranteed to make his day a hundred times more complicated.

"Excuse me... Yamato-san, was it?" a young Sand shinobi addressed the leathery-faced campaigner, appearing from amidst the midday rush of foot traffic. "I have a letter here from Gaara-sama, and I am supposed to deliver it to the Lord Seventh. Would you happen to know where I could find him?"

Yamato blanched. While he had not been part of the initial briefing, as one of the highest ranking ANBU in the village he had still been assigned to watch over Naruto and the others numerous times over the past months.

"Uh, I can take it to him for you," he said in as polite a tone as he could muster despite being so knocked off balance.

"No, I'm sorry but my orders were very clear. I must deliver this directly to either Lord Naruto or his advisor." The Suna ninja gave Yamato a blandly apologetic look.

"I see," Yamato said, forcing himself to smile. "Well, Hokage-sama is indisposed at present, but I can take you to Shikamaru-san."

It was likely a sign of the young ninja's professionalism that they did not so much as raise an eyebrow at the word 'indisposed'.

"I see. Thank you for the assistance."

Yamato nodded weakly.

"Y-Yes, of course," he said.

Inwardly, he cringed. Call it an old soldier's intuition, but Yamato had a feeling that this was going to be a mess.

And he'd probably be the one who had to clean it up, too.

Fantastic.

A/N: Yamato x Yukimi OTP. Seriously, those two were so adorable in Shadow of the ANBU, even if the plot in their part of the minithingy was kinda... ehhhh. The shining tree of light was a little cheesy even for Naruto filler, although the resulting imagery of Yukimi being effectively reborn from said tree was admittedly nice and lovely in its own way.

Also Mitsuki has the BEST bedside manners. XD

Additionally, this fic is less than 24 hundred hits from hitting the big one million. This chapter might very well carry it over the top, and that is just crazy to me. It's not the first fic of mine to reach that milestone, I imagine, but on top of everything else it really is just quite incredible, haha.

Especially since I've realized that this fic is basically at least half dirty jokes. Maybe more like three quarters, even. But I s'pose that's just my style and natural inclination.

And clearly a lot of people enjoy it! So here's to you crazy fans, eh?

Updated: 11-3-15

TTFN and R&R!

– — ❤