A/N: I can't take full credit for this- it came about in a conversation between myself and OceanFae about a special "Director's cut" alternate ending for the story. So in keeping with the DVD idea, I decided to remove a few scenes from the story and rewrite them as bloopers. Enjoy, because if you can't laugh at yourself…
Gag Reel
Chapter 3- The Problem with Vulcans: Uhura talking with Collins
Uhura: "So what is with you and McCoy?"
Collins: "There is nothing with us. We work in the same department and he does his thing while I do mine. I think we have a mutual professional respect for each other, but nothing more. You don't dip your pen in the company ink."
Uhura: (Looks at the reader) "I just want all of you out there to notice that it was me that pegged this one waaaay back in chapter 3. But SHE (jabs finger toward the sky to indicate the Writer) will drag this friggin' thing out to the bitter end. (throws up hands) Just sayin'."
Chapter 8- A Gift: McCoy and Collins share an office
McCoy: "Damn it, Jim! You pigeonholed me into a fucking broom closet to begin with and now this?!"
Kirk: "Bones, I really didn't have a lot of leeway here. It was this or taking out space from the sickbay and you are always bitching about how you don't have enough room for all the people I send your way."
McCoy: "Goddamn it, Jim! It is my fucking office! Can't you see this is just a convenient excuse for HER (shakes fist at Writer) to put Collins and I together? SHE wants us crammed in a small space so we have to get along!" (Folds arms across chest and pouts) "I don't want to share with her. She has girl cooties."
Chapter 9- Fighting Ghosts: Chekov and Sulu fencing
Collins: "It was very graceful. Now I realize how much skill is involved, I am sure it is harder than it looks."
Sulu: "I can teach you. I am showing Chekov how to do it, and he is coming along very quickly."
Collins: (laughs) "Sorry. It just struck me how Freudian this whole fencing subplot is. Really- 'thrusting', 'coming' foils as exaggerated phalluses? It is just too much."
Chekov: "Funny for you, but metaphorical sex is all I am going to get. I am about as masculine as a Ken doll and apparently as anatomically correct."
Sulu: "Really, Doc. Sometimes a foil is just a foil. Besides, wouldn't that give you a serious case of penis envy?"
Chapter 11- He Said: Therapy session with Spock
Collins: "Spock, I am not going to sit here and pretend like I fully understand you because I don't. I am at a disadvantage because I do not know what being a Vulcan looks like, I can only assume Vulcan is the part of you that I can't recognize as human. Even so, if what you told me about our species being related is true, we can't be all that dissimilar. As much as your culture valued logic, I am betting the farm that like humans, they also were too complex to be reduced to biology alone. It isn't my goal to make you more human or to devalue your Vulcan heritage as being somehow abnormal. I have a great deal of respect for you, and as such I accept you for who you are and I care about your well being."
Spock: "That was an incredibly long bit of dialogue to make me feel better."
Collins: "I hope it worked because I just want you to know that if we were real and you ever walked into my office, I would pull a gun out of my drawer and blow my brains out. The very thought of analyzing you makes me want to slit my wrists. You could make a computer cry."
Spock: "Fascinating."
Chapter 13- The Doctors McCoy: Picture of McCoy and Collins on the way to dinner
McCoy: "Goddamn it! Don't you kids have anything better to do than stalk us? Isn't it past your bedtimes?"
Sulu: "Man, there are times when it pays not to be an officer in Starfleet, but you two make a great couple!"
Uhura: (Points to Sulu). "Mmmhmmm. Dropping another hint…."
McCoy: "Take another picture, Ensign. I will shove that camera so far up your ass you will be puking polaroids."
Chekov: "But SHE (points to Writer) said I have to. It is part of the whole stupid revenge thing we have. Like I care. Why are you always such an ass anyway?"
McCoy: "What happened to your accent?"
Chekov: "Fuck you, Leonard."
Chapter 14- Misery Business: Collins threatens to go through McCoy's drawers
Collins: "I am going to rifle though your things while you are gone."
McCoy: "Knock yourself out."
Collins: "You won't say that when I find your porn stash."
McCoy: "Christ! Could you blame me? I have been trapped in a small room with you for days. I am a man…with needs. But SHE (flips off Writer) won't even give me one little kiss with you. Nothing!"
Collins: "Hey, it hasn't been a picnic for me either. I haven't had any action in 250 years."
Chapter 16- Making Hay: Jim talks to Collins in the Lounge
Collins: "So who dared you to join?"
Kirk: "I met this guy at a bar. The former captain of this very ship."
Collins: "What was it about Starfleet that made you join? Why not just stay in Iowa?"
Kirk: "There really wasn't anything about Starfleet itself that made me join."
Collins: "What did your parents do?"
Kirk: (sighs) "You sure do ask a lot of questions. Usually I can get women to sleep with me by now. To hell with it, this is too much work…"
Chapter 19- The Art of War: Spock spars with Collins
Spock: "Have you ever read 'The Art of War' by Sun Tzu, Doctor?" (pauses and frowns) "It was written in the 6th century BC and…"
Collins: "What's wrong, Spock?"
Spock: (looks up at Writer) "Seriously? I only lived on Earth for three years to go to the Academy, and I am supposed to be some kind of pop culture expert? Is there any logical reason I should know this? Really?"
Collins: "Careful, Spock. Don't piss HER off again or you will think the Rubik's cube was a walk in the park."
Chapter 21- Discoveries: The away team returns
Kirk: "I didn't promise you nothin'. I said I would try. Guess I didn't try hard enough. But you have to admit, Bones, this is the best I have ever looked coming back from an away mission and you don't even have to check me out. That's something, right?"
McCoy: "Yes, Jim. You sure are something."
Kirk: "Bonsey! You know you love me!"
McCoy: (squints at Kirk) "What would you do if I came down there and bent you over your chair right now in front of everybody?
Sulu: (laughing at McCoy) "I double dog dare you!"
Kirk: "Umm…" (looks desperately at Writer) "A little help here! Please?!"
Chapter 22- Love and Duty: Scotty and Collins in his office
Collins: "…'You named your child Brandy- you obviously have a drinking problem.' The last woman in the group gets up and pulls her son by the arm and says, 'Let's go home, Dick."
Scotty: "Ah knew I loved ya the moment I laid eyes on ya, lass! A bonnie that can drink and tell dirty jokes is a right keeper!"
Collins: "You know the only reason I told you that joke was because there hasn't been any real action in this story yet."
Scotty: "Aye. (salutes Writer with his glass) SHE's a bit of cock tease, ain't SHE? Puts me with Uhura an' not a hint of shaggin' outside of the kiss. Me bollocks are blue, I tell ya."
Chapter 26- Absolution: The hearing
Kirk: "Normally this would get drug out with sworn statements and blah blah, but Bones here says you aren't medically capable of giving a statement 'cause of your hearing thing."
McCoy: "Look, Collins, we heard everything. The control room has an intercom. All three of us were there, so there is no need to rehash it all over again." (looks at Spock) "Spock says that it appears that you acted within the parameters…damn it! You did what you were supposed to."
Spock: (Gets up from table) "That is not what I said!" (throws up hands) "I can't work like this! I will be in my trailer. Call me when you grow up and decide to be the professional you think you are. (looks at Writer) Both of you!"
Chapter 27- Disturbances: Collins and a drunk McCoy
Collins: (falls on McCoy) "Well, this is promising! A bit uncomfortable, but promising."
McCoy: "My God! Is finally this it? It's about damn time!" (kisses her)
Collins: (to Writer) "That's it?"
McCoy: "Seriously?!" (flips off Writer) "Goddamn you! I hate you! I hope you die you sadistic harpy!"
Chapter 28- About Last Night…:Spock and the Rubik's cube
Spock: (twists cube a few times) "You know what? I am sick of this! Here I am, the smartest damn one of all you and SHE gives me a toy that is supposed to be challenging?! (looks at Writer) Here is what I think of your ridiculous prop!" (crushes cube into bits with one hand) "This was not in my contract! I'm calling my agent!"
Sulu: "Now he's done it."
Chekov: "You don't piss off the Writer. SHE will do very bad things to you like kill your brother and give you a really stupid accent, or make you as sweet and asexual as a Eunuch when I am 17 and my hormones are raging! God, I am suffering."
Uhura: "You think he would have learned his lesson when SHE separated us. We were probably the only two that saw any action on this ship- although even I am not sure of that since it was never mentioned."
Kirk: (to Spock)"Just go with it, dude. Hell, I would walk around here with a pacifier in my mouth if she would just give me a little more than a passing reference with a green alien. (turns to reader) You probably don't even remember that, do you? Hello! I'm James friggin' Kirk! Womanizer extraordinaire? I get no respect around here." (walks away muttering to himself)
Chapter 30- A Game of Chess: Collins meets the Queen
Sentia: "We welcome you, sister. I am Queen Sentia."
Kirk: (whispers to McCoy) "Do you think she is the Writer? She seems cruel enough, just look at us branded and strung up like cattle."
McCoy: "I don't know, but if it is her she seriously owes me now."
Sulu: (to McCoy) "You?! I have more lines in this friggin' gag reel than I do in the entire story and look at me! I'm not much better than a red shirt right now."
McCoy: (to Kirk) "Collins is looking at us! Say your damn lines!"
Kirk: "Uhh…What does a woman know about war anyway? Your place is the kitchen, not the bridge." (guard slaps him in the head)
McCoy: (laughing)"Dumbass."
Chapter 33- Making the Rounds: Collins goes to Jim's quarters
Kirk: (answers door shirtless and looks at reader) "I just want you all out there to know this is not what it looks like."
McCoy: "Although SHE took great pains to point out I am fully dressed, I will take what I can get here."
Kirk: (looks at McCoy) "What does that mean? I'm James friggin' Kirk! You would be so lucky to get a piece of this…"
McCoy: "Don't flatter yourself. Right now I would be lucky to get a piece of anything. Where the hell is that little monster thing Scotty had…."
Kirk: "SHE didn't write it in. Besides, Bones, there is a fine line between experimentation and desperation. (throws up hands) Just sayin;."