Dear Readers, I love you! Kel :)
How It Happened- Chapter 32
Carrick
We're planning our first family vacation over President's Day weekend. It was tough to commit to actually going away this year. In the past we would have simply made reservations and headed up north. This year though, we had quite a bit more to consider. Mostly, it all came down to Christian.
This is our traditional weekend to go skiing up north. We get a hotel right at Boyne Mountain. Wake up, eat, ski, have lunch, ski, take a nap, ski, eat dinner, and ski some more. We've gotten Elliot into some lessons up there each year and he's pretty good for as young as he is. We enjoy some time swimming in the indoor pool and sometimes take the drive up to see the Mackinaw Bridge.
This year, the whole trip has required a lot more planning and thought. We decided on renting a small cabin instead of a hotel room. Grace was afraid Christian's nightmares would wake the other guests. They are not pleasant, and I was more afraid of someone calling the police on us. We're less worried about it bothering Elliot since they've never woken him yet. At least he's never let us know they have. A hotel room would also require either an additional bed, since there's no way Christian would be comfortable sharing one with Elliot. I guess we could have gotten two connecting rooms, but when we saw the resort offered cabins, and we were lucky enough that one was available, we decided to go that route.
We called to get the boys set up with ski lessons, but while getting Elliot set up was pretty easy, we had a little issue with what to do for Christian. Grace decided it might be best to get private lessons and she could stay with him. I know she'd like to have some ski time as well, but how are we going to leave a child who has abandonment issues? We're just supposed to drop him off with a complete stranger, other kids he doesn't know, and no way to communicate? No. So private lessons it is. I told her we could take turns staying with him. I just hope we get some time together to ski. We need a little Mom & Dad time too.
As I'm looking at the budget for this trip I'm thinking with the additional cost of the cabin and now Christian's private ski lessons, I better find some big lucrative case to handle when we get home!
Grace
As we're heading home from our weekend away, I'm silently thanking God that this trip to Boyne turned out so wonderfully! After all the stress these past several months, it was a blessing to get away, and so welcome! We were surprised at how peaceful the cabin was. I was afraid I'd miss the convenience of the hotel, but we got some groceries to make our own breakfast and even dinners. Carrick and I found we actually enjoyed the privacy, and we saved quite a bit since we weren't paying the restaurant for every meal. The biggest blessing came in that the activities of each day wore Christian out to the point that he actually slept through the night! Well, there was one issue, but it was minor and short lived.
Both boys did really well with their ski lessons. Elliot was never a worry anyway, but Christian did surprisingly well with the whole thing….
"Bye, Mom! Bye Dad! Bye Christian!" Elliot waves haphazardly to us as his ski-instructor leads his class off to learn something new and hit the slopes. He looks so adorable in his new red and blue ski gear. He's outgrown last year's snow suit and Carrick decided he was advanced enough for the appropriate ski clothing. Thank goodness we're just renting the skis for the weekend. This sport is expensive!
"Grace, are you sure you're OK with him, here? I can stay if you'd rather…" My wonderful husband is so concerned about how Christian and this whole 'ski-lessons' thing is going to go.
"I've got it, Carry. Go on, have fun. We'll be fine." I have Christian by the hand and we're waiting at the main office door for his ski instructor. Thankfully one of Elliot's older suits actually fits Christian and it's relatively new itself. So he's all bundled up in the green and blue suit with a matching hat and gloves.
We were able to meet his instructor Abby yesterday, and while he was a bit nervous, Christian did pretty well with her. I didn't think about it before, but I am thankful he'll have a female instructor. Trying to warm up to another man would probably have been a challenge for him.
We did let her in on a few things she'll need to know to work with him. She's not really concerned about the lack of speech as most of the learning can be done with pointing or some kind of physical expression. Christian can understand her just fine, so it shouldn't be a big issue. Her biggest concern is the touch. We were able to convey to Christian that Abby will only touch him if she has to; to demonstrate correct technique or for his own safety. Otherwise, she and I will work together to help him understand what he needs to do. There really isn't a lot of touching needed at this point anyway, unless he's falling over and in danger of some serious injury. We're not too worried about that today.
Abby has long blonde hair that hangs down out of her striped stocking cap, to her waist, even when it's pulled back in a ponytail. She has bright green eyes and a warm smile. She told us last night that she's originally from Vermont and grew up on the slopes. She's working her way through college to be a child psychologist. It appears she has the knack for working with troubled children because Christian is taking to her fairly quickly.
"OK, Christian. Let's go get started!" Abby reaches out her hand and just as I'm about to say something, I'm shocked to see him take it. He looks back at me for reassurance, as I am still holding his other one. I give him a big smile and a nod, and together we head over to the beginner area.
Before I know it, she's got him pointing to the tip, the tail, the bindings… learning all the parts of the ski itself. Then, she gets him to step in and he's a little unnerved when the binding snaps into place and he can't lift his left foot. It starts sliding back and forth on the snow, and I can tell he's feeling a bit off balance, even though we're on completely flat ground. "Put your hand on my shoulder, Christian," Abby tells him. Again, he looks up at me for reassurance. I give him a silent nod and another smile to let him know he's doing the right thing. "Go ahead," she says encouragingly. "You can hold on while we get your right foot in."
Christian puts both hands on her shoulders and tries to follow her directions to get foot number two secured on the ski. I hear a soft whimper and his eyes go a bit wider as she has to hold his boot to get it in the correct place. I can hear my internal voice wishing him to stay calm and let her help him. Thankfully, Abby is quick and the right ski is ready before he can get any farther in his panic. I think Christian is surprised that the ordeal is over before he can even really react. He looks down at his feet and now both are sliding back and forth, back and forth…
"OK now Christian, we're going to get moving. I want you to hold this, and I'm just going to pull you slowly." Abby holds out her ski pole and once he has a grip on the end, she slowly walks backward, allowing Christian to slide forward. I can see he's unsure and not really understanding exactly what he's supposed to be doing. "Just hang on," she adds in her soft reassuring way. "Keep your head up… See? Now you're skiing!"
Her big smile is infectious and I wish there was a way to show Carrick how big Christian's smile is right now! I realize at that moment, that I left the camera in the cabin. I was expecting to be more directly involved. But it appears I'm a bit surplus to requirement, today. Thank God! Although, the thought of leaving him alone with her is a bit premature. He may be doing fine with the skiing right now, but I don't know how he'd do if I left him with her.
However, I do stand back and let the pro do her thing. Within just a few minutes, she has Christian working on how to stop; turning the tips in and doing the snowplow stop. Then she shows him how to side step up to the easiest, slowest slope. Again, she has him hold her pole while she walks backwards and he skis down a hill, for the first time. Oh, those beautiful eyes are so adorable all lit up with that smile! He's loving this!
He is able to ski down several more times, but all too soon, our time is up for today. I thank Abby for her calm approach and patience. Christian is starting to express his upset that we're done for now. He's shaking his ski-capped head in a very adamant negative and pulling on my coat sleeve. Abby tells him she'll see him tomorrow and they will work on more together. He seems placated, but not satisfied by any means.
With today's lesson complete, I take Christian's hand and we head over to try to find Carrick and Elliot for lunch.
So it turns out, Christian is actually quite coordinated and graceful. It didn't take long before we could take him down the beginner slopes! Elliot was really excited to go with him, which made me very happy to see. We did have to intervene and say no racing! Elliot would win hands down, but Christian would have tried to win, putting himself into a situation he was not ready for. All I could see was a disaster, or a broken leg, waiting to happen!
One of the boys' favorite parts of the trip was getting to swim in the indoor pool. I guess that makes sense; Michigan is certainly a place of limited outdoor warm weather fun. So a chance to do something like swimming, in February, is very special.
When we had some time to swim, I was unsure of how that would go. Elliot has had lessons, but I am certain Christian never has. As we walked into the pool area, he seemed amazed by what he was seeing and his hands covering his ears told me the loud indoor echoes were not very comfortable for him. His eyes got wide and he pulled back on my cover up when his brother yelled "Cannonball!" and jumped into the pool. He started shaking his head and looked at me with an expression of fear. By the look on his face, I'm sure he was begging me not to make him do this.
"Elliot! You know better! There's no jumping in like that, son!" The echo of Carrick's stern voice must have seemed seven times more intense to Christian, as I heard his squeal as he hid behind my legs. Carrick, who was now in the pool himself, walked over to the side near us. "Christian? Come on, Little Man. Ready to learn to swim?" I didn't hear a thing, but I sure felt a 'No way, Dad!' in his adamantly shaking head. "How about you sit here on the side, and I can help you?" I felt more shaking and he was getting clingy as we walked with to put our things down on a couple of deck chairs.
"Carrick, I think we're going to need a little time, here." Carrick nodded and I silently motioned for him to keep an eye on Elliot, while I use Dr. Evans' recommendations about explaining everything, and try to put Christian at ease. "Christian, Darling… This is called a swimming pool. Remember we told you about it on the drive up here? It's like a big giant bathtub, but deeper and not quite as warm. We can get in the water… and play… We can kick our feet and splash… It's fun! Daddy and I want you to learn to swim so you can be safe in the water Sweetheart, but right now, it's OK if we just get our feet wet. I know there are a lot of people in here, and it's kind of loud, but you'll get used to that pretty quickly. And I'll be sure we stay where we won't get splashed any more than we want to be. Come on, now."
I start to help him out of his shirt, but he backs away to do it himself. Then I hold out my hand which he takes, cautiously. We walk to the shallow end and I sit on the edge where we can easily put our feet in and touch a step. Somewhere I got the thought that he may feel more comfortable if he can feel the bottom, rather than just dangle his feet and have nothing beneath them.
He gives me a pleasant but surprised expression. I have no idea what it's in reference too; if he's surprised about the temperature, the step, the water itself… but thankfully, the reaction is on the positive side. I start stepping my feet up and down, moving them out and back in. He tries to mimic me, but his legs are more kicking than lifting. Actually, kicking is better, so I straighten mine out and I'm kicking too. He starts kicking faster and making more waves and bubbles. I actually see a smile again!
After a few moments of this, I scoot myself into the water and sit on the step. "Ready to come in, Darling?" His wide eyes initially make me think this is a bit too much right now. But he surprises me by scooting in too. The water is much deeper on him and I think he's unsure about its depth. I begin moving my arms back and forth slowly, and again he mimics my actions. I try some small splashes and he does too. Unable to control his arms as well, his splashes get me in the face, but I laugh and he smiles up at me.
We stay in this spot for a while. Carrick and Elliot come over to check in with us. Elliot wants his brother to come in deeper, but we tell him he needs time to get comfortable. Carrick and I switch spots and I head out to play with Elliot for a while. He shows me how far he can swim on only one breath, how many bubbles he can make when he kicks, and even how far he can jump up out of the water. I'm laughing with him as this is so fun! I absolutely love playing with my little boy, and I realize there's been a lot less of these moments between us since Christian's arrival. Time goes so quickly, I need to be sure to make the most of these moments before he doesn't want to hang with Mom anymore.
Carrick
"Alright, Christian. You ready to learn a little bit about swimming?" My son is looking at me, expressionless. Well, he's nervous, but not giving me the wide-eyed fear look, so I'm still in safe territory, I think. "Swimming is about two things, Little Man… Holding your breath, and kicking your feet. If you can do those two things, you can swim. All the other stuff will come in time. But you have to be able to keep yourself moving in the water. And if you can hold your breath and put your face in, then all you have to do is kick hard, and you're off! Ready to give it a try?" My younger son sits motionless for a moment, then gives me a seriously negative shake of the head.
I feel like if I show him he'll get a better understanding and try it himself, but if I stop watching him to demonstrate, he could just get up and head off somewhere. Don't think Grace would be too happy with me if that happened. Maybe teaching him right now is a bit premature. As parents, we feel it's important our children know how to swim. In Michigan, so much of what we do in the summer is in or around water. It's just not safe if Christian can't swim. Thinking back to my teaching Elliot, I'm getting worried about how to do this anyway; there was a lot of touching involved and Christian's not going to go for that.
I scoot down another step so the water is a bit deeper on me and I lean down to put my face in the water. As I wipe the water off my face, I see a very surprised look on Christian's face. "What? It's part of swimming. You hold your breath, and put your face in. Can you hold your breath?" He's still looking at me with uncertainty. "Like this," I take a deep breath and fill my cheeks with air. I guess I look ridiculous because I actually hear a giggle! Christian laughed!
I'm astounded and elated! I want to yell across the pool to Grace, but instead I just do it again. "Is that funny? Does Daddy look silly like this?" I fill my cheeks again and even give a slight cross-eyed look. I hear it again, slightly louder. That is definitely a chuckle, and what a beautiful sound it is! I can feel a few tears welling up and I just want to put my arms around him and hug him so tightly. I guess I must have moved to do so without thinking, because all of a sudden he's quickly moving away from me, and out of the water.
His head is shaking and I see that pleading fear in his eyes. Where there was joy just a moment ago, so quickly it is replaced by that intense fear of my touch. "I'm so sorry, Little Man. I won't touch you. I was just so happy to hear you laugh… I promise, no hugging, OK? Will you come back in?" Just then I hear my other son behind me.
"Dad! Watch me! Dad!" I turn around and watch as my older son swims quickly from where he was at the other end of the pool. He's leaving quite a few other swimmers wiping their faces as his wake splashes up water in every direction. But he's doing a great job! "Did you see me?!" he asks as he comes up for air and wipes the water form his own face.
"Yeah, Buddy! That was great. Well done!" I turn back to my other son, "See that, Christian? It's not so hard." Christian has already moved down another step and I can tell he wants to do what Elliot just did. He has learned so much from Elliot, I'm really curious to watch and see what he's going to do…
"You gonna' try, Christian?" Elliot chimes in. "It's really fun! Come on!" He turns and heads back toward the other end of the pool, kicking up water in all directions. Both Grace and I are chuckling as our son heads off to do his thing. Looking back toward Christian, I wonder what he would do if I just take his hands and pull him off the step and out further into the water? Maybe he'll get scared and start kicking. But then I can show him how that's what he needs to do to swim… Before I can second guess myself, I make the command decision and grab his hands. As I walk backwards away from the steps I can hear Grace in a panic and feel Christian pulling on me to let go. No way now. I've gotten this far, I'm seeing this through.
"That's right, Little Man, keep kicking! Keep it up! You're doing great!" I'm practically screaming over his deep-throated shrieking and the echo in here, but I'm sticking to my guns. I've got my head turned to avoid getting water in my eyes and to avoid seeing his angry little face, if I'm being honest. Yeah, he is not happy with me. I head out about halfway then as I turn us both around, I can feel he's letting up a little. "You're OK. I'm only touching your hands. Keep kicking! Keep your legs moving… Can you make them splash again? Come on, you can do it!" His expression is so intense and so many emotions. Boy is he mad at me!
But he's also worried and nervous. I guess that's understandable. I need to stay at this until he's relaxed. I get the sneaking suspicion that giving in too soon could negatively reinforce some trust issues. "Look at you! That's it… You're doing great…" It takes a little while, but finally, he's calm and letting me pull him around while he kicks. He's not smiling about this, but I think he's less pissed. His eyes are less dark gray 'What are you doing Daddy?!' and more of an 'I really don't like you right now' slate gray. So that's an improvement, I think.
Grace
What on Earth is Carry thinking! He just grabbed Christian and pulled him out into the water… I mean, I guess it could have been worse; he could have chosen to pick him up and throw him in. But I was trying to go slowly and a little at a time with Christian, not overload him and put him in a state of terror! I think the other guests in the pool area are probably thinking we are torturing our poor child! I don't even know what is actually coming out of my mouth, I just know I am yelling something at my husband, who I am about ready to choke!
I watch as he pulls Christian along, almost like Abby did on the skis. Oh, my baby… he is not feeling comfortable with this. "Carry! Carry, maybe that's not a good idea…" It's so loud in this pool area, he can't hear me. Christian is shrieking and with the splashing water, there's no way. "Christian, It's OK, Darling. It's OK. Daddy's got you!" I sure as hell hope he does. Oh, that man is sleeping on the couch.
I feel my heart pounding in my chest as Carrick pulls him along. What feels like forever is probably just a matter of minutes and Christian seems to have calmed a bit. I hear my husband reassuring him softly and in that gentle but fatherly voice I've heard so often with Elliot. What is he doing now? Blowing bubbles? He's moved himself down in the water to blow bubbles. I can't see Christian's reaction yet. I hope it's positive!
Carrick is filling his own cheeks with water air and putting his face in the water, now. What is he trying to accomplish with… In shock, I stop breathing. I literally cannot believe what I think I just heard…. Did Christian? Did he just… laugh? As Carrick turns, I can see my younger son's face, glowing with an enormous smile. It's almost as big as the one he gave on the slopes yesterday.
I hear it again! It's not loud, but it's melodic and the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I've said my most favorite sound in the world is Elliot's laugh, and now to hear this? There are no words to describe this… I hear my own laughter and joy as I'm wiping my eyes.
"Gracie? What's so funny?" I'm pulled out of my memories by Carrick's chuckle. "You're laughing about something. Care to fill me in on the joke?" He's reached over to take my hand and is gently rubbing my knuckles.
I lean over to him and whisper, as I don't want to draw the boys into our conversation. "I was just thinking about hearing Christian laughing. How wonderful that was." We smile at each other. "Do you think we'll hear that again, soon?"
Carrick is about to whisper back to me when we're interrupted by the scuttle in the back seat; "That's not mine!" Uh oh. Something just went flying across the car. "Keep your stuff on your own side, Christian!"
"Hey, hey!" Carrick's glance into the rear-view mirror directs his comment toward the back seat. "Do I need to stop this car, boys?" I hear Elliot's quiet 'No, Sir,' and see Christian's adamant head shaking, out of the corner of my eye. "Alright then. No fighting. We'll be home in about an hour. You can handle that." He looks back over to me and smiles. This is our family. This is our world. I give another soft chuckle and have to smile back.