Not In A Million Years

Chapter 36

I couldn't take my eyes off the startlingly bright red stains surrounding me. Blood. Death. Failure. I couldn't even make myself blink.

My mind kept trying to shy away from what I was seeing; what I was comprehending slowly, what was driving a rusty nail into my heart with every passing second. I had lost the baby. It was all for nothing. Maybe it had all been for nothing. After all, what was the point if innocent lives could be taken so ruthlessly?

"I should never have fallen in love with you," I exhaled defeatedly, meeting Kakarot's wide, black eyes regretfully.

He swallowed and shook his head disbelievingly, "N-no, don't say that."

I could see the heartbreak in his eyes and it made me wince. But it was true. Aside from Tesserot's creation, being together had only resulted in pain and misfortune for both of us.

"D– Vegeta, please don't give up on us!" Kakarot pleaded, "Please don't leave me alone; I need you!"

I sighed, "I can't leave. I can't and I won't. But… what if all of this was just a mistake?"

One big, twisted, stupid mistake. A pretty fitting description of my life.

Kakarot shook his head again, "It wasn't. I know it wasn't. How can you even think that?"

"No point," I muttered, "No fucking point."

Kakarot's eyebrows narrowed drastically; faster than the eye could see, he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me roughly.

"Listen to yourself! We had something! We still do; look at me!" his voice became desperate when I shook my head, "We have each other; we have a family! Look at what we've done; we've defied all the odds, thwarted nature and chance, not only buried the hatchet but found love; we even made a baby together when it shouldn't have even been possible! And you are not going to give that up just because it didn't work out perfectly twice!"

At last my anguish caught up with me and I felt tears well up in my eyes before falling uncontrollably.

Kakarot stopped; all the anger and desperation draining from his face with the color.

His hands moved from my shoulders to hug me to his chest. I felt his whole body shudder as he broke into tears as well.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against my shoulder, "I know you just wanted it to work out…. Is that so much to ask?"

The last part wasn't directed at me; but perhaps at the gods that had cheated me, or at the very universe itself.

"I…" I swallowed and pressed on, "I guess I just realized… if this h-happened the first time… I wouldn't… Tesserot would have never.…"

My mate's breath caught and he held me tighter.

We stayed that way, crying on each other's shoulder, for much of the remaining night.

After a long while Kakarot released me and dried his eyes slightly, "V-Vegeta," I looked up at him, "No matter what happens, p-promise you won't ever leave me."

I'd only ever seen such tumult in his eyes once, and last time it had been anger; now it was just a tangle of grief.

I nodded shakily, hoping I could carry out such a promise.

"What am I going to tell the others?" my voice was dry, and it sounded like defeat personified.

"We have to tell them." Kakarot murmured, "They've all got a right to know."

X

I'll spare you the wrenching confessions and shocked reactions because they are difficult to recreate. Suffice to say I told them. Suffice to say they took it hard, though no tears were shed. End of story.

I shouldn't have been surprised that not even Goten wept over the loss of a potential sibling. It wasn't as if any of them had had time to connect with the tiny life before it was ripped away. In fact the only ones who seemed truly devastated were Kakarot and me. Therefore, we hid it from them; the true extent of our combined mourning. None of them saw the ritual tears at night; none of them heard the whispered mantras of attempted comfort. Because why burden those who couldn't relate with something only we – bound at the mind and heart – could understand?

And it was then that I separated people into two groups: us and them. There were things I could share with both, but there was a distinct place where I drew a line and could only confide in the one person who wouldn't judge, wouldn't question, and wouldn't turn away.

X

Of course, Tesserot still grew and developed each day; and he seemed to sense something was off-kilter because he acted slightly different, especially around me. He was quieter when he spoke and more polite, seeming to ask with his eyes what was wrong.

And eventually the shock and pain dulled as time passed, but there was still the occasional night where either Kakarot or I would simply break down and cry, and it was the counterpart's unquestioning duty to sooth until both could rest for the night. Deep wounds couldn't be healed so easily, and wounds to the heart were the hardest to forget.

I think Bulma and the demis noticed that Kakarot and I had essentially isolated ourselves from the rest of them; but I didn't really care what they thought anymore. Much of my – our – time was taken up with Tesserot's care; and it was a handful and a half just to keep him happy and healthy without worrying what people thought all the time.

I realized two things as time went on. One, I was accepting more and more that I'd become a totally different person than before. I wasn't the same arrogant prince I'd been a year and a half ago, maybe I never would be again. And I was okay with that.

Two, since the miscarriage I was never truly happy. I smiled, I laughed, I acted quote-unquote "normal" for me; but I felt like I'd lost something fundamental. No matter what I tried, I just couldn't get happy. Kakarot seemed depressed as well, but I think it was more because I wasn't at my best than anything else. He was upset because I was.

X

I noticed that I couldn't recall a lot of conversation or individual day to day events very well. Either it was my memory or something else, but I had a hard time focusing on the things that usually made up my every day; and two months went by in a blur without my noticing.

Kakarot hadn't touched me with any intent other than to assist or comfort since I woke up to red sheets; and that fact didn't hit me until he tried to kiss me innocently one day and I refused. He seemed taken aback; usually he could just surprise me with acts of compassion and I didn't mind, and I'd never said no in the past. I apologized quickly for disappointing him, upon realizing that I had, but didn't make any effort to resume the interrupted action.

'Is this how it's going to be now?' was the only semblance of a response I got from him before he walked away.

I almost slapped myself. What, he was my confidant and my crying shoulder, but he wasn't allowed to touch me anymore? He was my mate, for the gods' sakes!

That was not the first or the last time that I wished I could do something over; and the list would just grow longer over time.

TBC