I'm glad that I managed to cover I think every character at some point in this chapter. Certain ones have been given the short end of the stick lately.

Published March 5, 2011

The Almost Revenge

"So the strategy guide says to press this one first," Navi said, gesturing toward one of the three switches before them.

"Strategy guide?" Gyorg repeated. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's a magical book that tells us how to proceed," Navi said, showing off a Majora's Mask strategy booklet. "It tells us how not to die."

A bolt of lightning blasted it from her hand, incinerating the guide instantly. "Your petty reliance on godly artefacts amuses me," Barinade laughed. "For I am the great BARINADE! I shall solve this puzzle with the speed of a lynx!"

Gohma sighed, unimpressed. "You're going to try to solve a puzzle? I'll get comfy, we're going to be here for a while."

"Do not mock the intellect of the great BARINADE! I shall have us all cross this place in a matter of seconds!"

"WEEEEEEE!" They turned to see Link riding on one of the switch activated blocks. He had activated the closest one and then jumped on it, transporting him to the other side. "Let's do it again! Someone press the button!"

Ganondorf amusedly picked the boy up by his collar, holding him high so the others could see his brainless grin. "See this? This thought faster than you did! Enjoy knowing that for the rest of your lives."

-Stone Tower Temple-

They could tell at first glance that this temple was going to be annoying. Bombchus, dragonflies, sun switches, doors on the roof; it was screaming anger. "Is that supposed to be there?" Link asked, pointing at a door that sprung from the top of a wall.

"I've never been this far into Stone Tower," Igos du Ikana said, scanning the room. "I feel some kind of enchantment shrouding this temple. I wonder what its purpose is..."

"Purpose shlurpose, let's get going!" Morpha detonated the Bomb Mask sending him flying at a nearby door.

The next room was a step up in mind-fuckery. Numerous switches sat on both the floor and the ceiling for no apparent reason. Barinade reached up and pressed one with no results. "This location is beyond the understanding of BARINADE! A truly magnificent temple would be the insides of a fish."

"Done it," Gohma grunted.

"It must be done again!"

Phantom Ganon floated away from the rest of the group, going around a bend in the hall to see a large metal gate blocking their path. "It looks like we need to activate all of the switches to- You know what? I don't think any of you will try the logical solution here. Let's just use King Dodongo as a battering ram like I know you want to."

King Dodongo, who was having an intellectual discussion with Goht, looked over. "Huh?"

Seconds later, his face was smashed against the barred gate. "You call that a swing? My mother could throw me against things harder than that, and she's dead!" Bongo Bongo, Gohma and Ganondorf all glared at him. The latter blasted him with magic, sending him flying through the solid steel and crashing into the wall. "That... That's a bit better."

There were only two passages to take from the next room, one of which was locked. Despite the fact that all previous lock picking events proved futile Link was determined to try regardless of his failure. "I haven't tried with my Gilded Sword yet," he explained as he stuck the golden blade into the lock. He fiddled with it a bit, smiling loudly when he heard a click. "Success!"

Link pulled on the lock eagerly but it held strong against him. "No! I need to do it, just once!" He pulled harder, placing his foot on the door for leverage and pulling with all his might.

Behind him, Volvagia poked Gyorg to get his attention. "Does he know we can simply incinerate the lock?" he hissed.

"Trust me, you can't," King Dodongo interrupted. "If I couldn't, there's no way you can. You're kind of a bitch like that."

"Stop talking, your breath is like a thousand burning puppies," Volvagia hissed. "Move out of the way Link. I'm going to destroy it right here and now!" Without waiting for him to obey his commands the dragon wacked the kid to the side, blasting the lock with a stream of white flames. When it died down he slithered to the lock, reaching out for it with his crooked claw. "Watch the fruits of my efforts."

The great serpent lightly tugged on the red hot lock. It didn't budge. "It is definitely a strong metal. Still, nothing a little brute force can't handle."

"While he's doing that, who wants to find the key?" Tatl asked. "Knowing how these places are designed to be navigated, let's check that other door."

Sure enough, they found a key... surrounded by Armos statues standing in a pool of lava. Tatl stared at it, asking aloud, "Who the hell decided that this was a good idea?"

They miraculously rescued the key, using it to unlock the door to Volvagia's ire. "I almost had it," he hissed.

"Of course you did," King Dodondo said patronizingly, scratching the back of his head like a dog. A tail swatted his claw away.

The next room was filled to the brim with water. Inside the water were chained mines like they had in the Gerudo Fortress, only these ones were much more tightly packed. It would be impossible for a larger member to navigate the maze. "So who thinks they can squeeze through those?" Tatl asked the group.

"I, BARINADE, have no skeletal system and thus can."

"Maybe they aren't even active," Phantom said. "Who knows how long they've been underwater for? They might have died a long time ago."

Slowly, a smile spread across Ganondorf's face. "There's only one way to find out." He casually kicked Link into the water, watching the mass detonations with content. "That answers that question."

Link floated, belly up, to the surface. "Suck it up!" the Gerudo King shouted.

"Here's the plan," Tatl said as Bongo Bongo fished out Link. "We'll send Morpha, the great Barinade, twiddle-wings and Link on a scouting mission. After all, if this is just a dead end with a key then we don't want to all go."

"Why am I always the 'do it now' guy?" the one eyed monster asked himself. "I can get maybe once or twice, but every single time?"

"I think they're taking advantage of your helpful nature," Koume said, flying to the giant monstrosity. "Kids these days are so rude to the nicest ones."

"I agree, Koume," Kotake added. "You may be a hideous abomination of nature but you're nice inside, and that's what counts!"

"Unless of course you're ugliness is a sin on nature itself, in which case you should have developed the powers of invisibility anyway so that isn't much of a problem, Kotake."

"That's right, Koume. Luckily you aren't like that Volvagia. That Bongo Bongo though, I'm glad he can go invisible." Bongo Bongo stared at the witches with his single, unblinking eye. "That's a look that'll scar your soul."

After some preparation, namely slapping Link conscious, the four chosen were sent through the underwater tunnel. They found themselves in an enormous room that followed the trend of being full of water. "Look, a switch!" Zora Link pressed the switch, spawning a treasure chest on the roof. They stared up at it.

-Back with the others-

"Come on, you know you can trust me," Gyorg said, smiling brightly at the rest of the group. This only succeeded in showing off his gargantuan fangs.

"You don't get to go in water anymore and that's final," Ganondorf snapped. "I remember what happened last time with no fondness."

"I was just playing around," Gyorg said, waving the comment off. "It was all light-hearted fun, now put me in the god damn water and I'll butcher you all!"

Odolwa bent over, petting the fish. "Where you went wrong was saying 'and' instead of 'or'. Oh well, better luck next time!"

"Better luck at what?"

Everyone jerked around, startled to see Link, Navi, Barinade and Morpha standing behind them. "How the hell did you get back there?" Ganondorf questioned.

"I kept going forward until I was backwards," Link responded.

"I'll just answer my own question by saying you found a way around. Follow the idiot people. Just make sure to follow the three second rule: stay three seconds behind him so you have time to stop and laugh if he gets hurt without being hurt yourself."

"We need a key," Morpha interrupted. "As strong as my power over hydrogen monoxide is, I cannot form water in the correct shape to open such locks. They are truly our greatest adversary."

Gyorg jabbed at him with his horn, saying, "We need to clear something up right now. I know you like water and if you could I don't doubt that you'd marry the ocean, but it's dihydrogen monoxide. The two means you need to add a prefix."

"The first prefix is optional!" Morpha snapped.

"Bull shit it is. I don't think that you can change the names of chemical compounds just because you feel like it."

"Who's the god of the seas here? Me? Yes, good job. That means I know all and you're just a fish out of water, flapping around pathetically and vainly attempting to sound threatening."

Gyorg swiped the wall with his horn leaving a two inch deep gash with no effort at all. "Did you see that? That will be how I give you a new orifice unless you shut the fuck up and drop the ego when I'm here. You annoy me."

"Oh no, the fishy's going to bite me. Whatever shall I do?"

"That's it, new fuckhole time!" Gyorg lunged forward, driving his horn at Morpha. The orb laughed jovially, detonating the Bomb Mask when he got close. Morpha's laughter immediately ceased when the explosion blasted Gyorg over the ledge and into the water beyond. Everyone stared for a moment.

Gyorg, at full size again, burst from the small pool. "I'm back, and you're all fucked! EVERYONE DIES!"

"How long has he been able to do that?" Volvagia hissed, frightened by the emergence of the gargantuan fish.

Tatl cracked her knuckles. "Looks like we've gotta do this the old fashion way. RUN AWAY!" She turned heel, yes, in mid air, and ran through the door. Everyone else quickly followed.

They followed Link through the previous rooms and back to the entrance. From there he took them through the other door. "May I question as to why such a hostile and powerful force was accompanying us?" Igos asked them as they passed a mirror and an empty chest that Link had cleared.

"His suffering amused me," Odolwa explained, speaking as though it was an obvious answer. "I didn't think there'd be any water in this barren wasteland. This is all your fault! Why is there water here?"

"You have my earnest apologies," Igos said, bowing his head slightly. "I am sorry that the most abundance thing on the planet exists within my borders." Odolwa had no response.

"He doesn't seem to be following us," Navi said, looking over her shoulder just to make sure the fish wasn't there slasher villain style. When he wasn't, she added, "As long as we don't go back to the water we can leave him there and never return."

"One problem with that," Ganondorf said as Link led them into an enormous room which just happened to be full of water, the only safe path being a thin stone bridge across. "We have that in the way."

Tatl smacked the Gerudo King. "Don't be stupid. He isn't in that water."

"I, BARINADE, shall crush your hopes. There's a connecting passage which he will most likely use to come into here."

"That thing was tiny," Morpha argued. "He's stuck back there."

The left wall exploded, the debris soaring across the room. A particularly large chunk of rock crashed into Odolwa's head, temporarily felling the warrior. Gyorg sped through the hole at a titanic pace, the water splitting with biblical speed. His mouth opened wide, ready to consume them all.

"One moment." Ganondorf grabbed the rock of Odolwa's bane and threw it down Gyorg's throat. He veered to the right, hacking and coughing loudly, until he crashed into the wall. "We should go."

They ran across the causeway toward the locked door at the other side. Ganondorf swiftly held out his hand to Link. "Key, quickly!" he snapped, not trusting luck to stop the kid from fumbling with it.

"I don't have one," Link hastily answered. "I thought you would!"

"How in the ninth level of hell would we get one? We stayed in the same place the whole time!"

"Oh yeah..." Link pulled out a compass, staring at the needle as it spun. "Aw man, it's in the last room, the one Gyorg was in."

"How... I don't care. Someone open this god damn door!" Bongo Bongo's hands were suddenly between them. "What are you-"

Everyone was shoved flat against the walls just as Gyorg jumped between them. The force tore through the wall like tissue paper, permitting access to the next room. Somehow, the locked door still stood.

Gyorg now sat in the middle of the thin hallway, daring them to come forward. "Only one way to go, and I'm right here!"

"This is just too easy," Ganondorf amusedly commented, grinning. "Roast him Odolwa."

"Negative." Goht walked up to him, showing Odolwa unconscious on her back. "A strike to the head incapacitated him. I predict that he will be out for at least two hours."

"No problem. Volvagia, roast him."

Volvagia slid past them all, letting loose a stream of fire from his maw. Gyorg stuck his horn forward, parting the flame and sending it around him.

"That's so typical of you," King Dodongo laughed, shoving him aside. "Watch and learn, bitch!" He inhaled deeply and then shot a ball of flames at Gyorg. His target spun on the spot, tail smacking it right back at him. The fire exploded in King Dodongo's face, hitting him through the air.

"I don't even know how fire works anymore," Tatl sighed. "Sounds like we need an expert in here. Bongo Bongo, you're up."

Bongo Bongo crunched his hands into fists and charged forward, eye set on his mark. He rammed Gyorg with enough force to send him crashing through the next wall and into the room beyond. What he didn't expect was for the floor to drop off, sending Gyorg into the lava pit below.

"NOOOO! NOT AGAIN!" Gyorg screamed as he flopped out of the lava, back to transportable size. "Fuck all of you, especially you!" Bongo Bongo picked him up by the tail, throwing him through the hole in the wall and at their feet. "That should have been so much more glorious."

"You gave Odolwa a concussion," Tatl said to him. "Let's give you a cookie and call it a day."

"You'll be second."

Seeing as Gyorg had just cleared two rooms ("So much lost," Igos whispered, mourning what of the ancient temple was irreparably destroyed) for them they figured that a lot of time had been saved. They were wrong.

"Please help!" Deku Link cried, begging for help. He was stuck on a random metal beam, his only escape being the searing lava below. His flower had run out of energy and he fell, conveniently landing in semi-safety.

"I'll go," Gohma grunted. She climbed the wall to the ceiling, crossing it in Link's direction.

Link waited, eagerly watching his approaching saviour. Then he heard a squeak of joy followed by a constant hissing. A Bombchu was running at him across the wall from the opposite direction. He fearfully remembered his last encounter with such a creature. "AH!" Link began to spit bubbles at it, hoping to slow its charge. "Get here quicker!"

Gohma paused. "Say please."

"Please!"

"Aw shit, I forgot that you're the type who will say please." Gohma jumped forward, kicking the Bombchu off of the wall. It fell, exploding in the lava. "How about we actually help you so we can make faster progress?"

With some effort they passed the lava corridor, liberating another two fairies as they did so. "How many are we at?" Tatl droned as she watched Kotake shove one into her brown bag.

"I don't know," Kotake said as she looked into the bag. "We never turned in the Great Bay fairies and they're mingling together. Hey, you two, cut that out! We won't have any horseplay in my sack!"

"And that ends that conversation." Ganondorf opened the door into the next room.

The room was large and square, the only defining feature being a circular hole taking up most of the roof. "Send forward your greatest warrior," a voice boomed from above.

Ganondorf and Odolwa stared at each other, a single thought running through both of their minds. "I think a fight for supremacy is long overdue," Odolwa announced, drawing his sword.

Ganondorf snickered, eying the warrior. "Do you really think you'll stand up against the King of Thieves? I'm fucking Ganondorf, the eventual ruler of the world!" He dramatically pulled out his own blade, crossing it with Odolwa's own.

"Strong words, little man," Odolwa gruffly growled. "I remember something like this happening once before and I think I decimated you."

"Stop acting tough five-nipples. Even the kid can beat you. I'm pretty damn confident that-"

Gohma grabbed them by the heads and slammed their skulls together, immediately downing both. She stepped forward, saying, "I think that solves that."

A ring of fire rose behind Gohma, blocking her off from the others. A blue robed figure dropped from the hole: the Garo Master. He pulled out two flaming swords from his clothes, somehow not catching fire. "Let us begin."

As Gohma and the Garo Master fought Link tried to understand the concept of fire. "So... it's a gas."

"Yup," Tatl answered.

"Like air."

"That's correct," Navi told him.

"But if I touch it I'll get hurt and go flying backwards."

"Affirmative," Goht confirmed. "This is caused by an imbalanced reaction between-"

Gohma slammed the Garo Master against the fiery wall just in front of them, holding him there despite the forces trying to push them away. "Don't spill the secret," she grunted. The Garo Master sliced at her wrist forcing the arachnid to drop him. He then disappeared from sight.

Their enemy appeared behind Gohma. "Behind you!" Link shouted. The spider-scorpion turned but he was already gone.

"Above you!" Gohma rolled to the side, avoiding the Garo Master's drop. She swung around with her tail only to find that he was no longer there.

"In front of you!"

Gohma punched the Garo Master in the face. "That wasn't very smart of you, was it?"

The Garo Master immediately retaliated, lunging at Gohma with enough force to knock her back several metres. This just happened to be enough to hit the wall of fire. The explosive reaction sent Gohma flying back at the Garo Master, crashing on top of him and crushing the ninja ghost between the one tonne scorpion and the stone floor. She sat like that for a second, letting him suffer before rolling off.

The flames died down. "Well done," the Garo Master coughed, struggling to stand. He eventually did so, supporting himself with his sword. "Though I died long ago I had yet to be bested in combat. You are strong."

"Yeah, I know."

He looked at Igos du Ikana's floating head. "You are the king of Ikana Castle, are you not?"

"Aye. I am Igos du Ikana. You are the leader of the Garo forces," he stated.

"Yes. Though I invaded your land and killed your people I hold no ill will toward you. I am just glad that someone managed to escape from the plague of this tower."

"We of Ikana are stronger than a curse."

"I call bullshit," Gyorg piped in. "I remember having sword boy over here kick your cursed ass." Igos glared at the fish.

The Garo Master chuckled lightly. "Trying to put up a tough facade on your enemies I see. That's to be expected. You Ikanans were always the macho type. I trust you remember when you covered the lands with posters of Captain Keeta sweaty, covered in blood and flexing to boost morale. Your casualties were up by three hundred percent that day, correct?"

Igos was indignant, his boney gaze almost snarling. "Don't try to take the high horse, Garo. I distinctly remember a battle where we had intercepted a shipment of robes and replaced them with identical but slightly longer versions. Your men were tripping over themselves for three battles straight before you found the problem."

"So proud of that single victory?" the Garo Master harshly questioned, his tone growing spiteful. "I'm recalling a fight-"

"As wonderful as it is that neither of you have been affected by Alzheimer's after all these years," Tatl loudly announced, "we're on a bit of a timer and should get going."

"Of course." The Garo Master held out his hand, summoning up a gold rimmed chest. "Inside this you will find an arrow that can pierce darkness and in turn break the curse of this land. Cast its light upon the red gem that rests outside this very temple so you may climb into the depths of the earth. With that, it is time for me to go."

"Will we ever see you again?" Link dramatically asked, apparently very emotional over this moment despite his lack of interaction with the Garo.

"I doubt of it. But now, I shall die without leaving a corpse." He pulled out a bomb, its fuse almost completely gone. "For that is the way of us Garo."

-Moments later-

They all continued out of the room, singed and annoyed. Odolwa and Ganondorf lay unconscious on Goht's back, the former muttering something about Link's new light arrows. "He did not need a bomb that strong," Tatl snapped. "My hair's all charred now."

Without warning the statue at the end of the thin hall they stood in came to life, opening its single Gohma-styled eye. It began to robotically walk forward.

"What is this new beast?" Volvagia hissed, watching it with curiosity.

"An Eygore," Navi quickly said, cutting off Tatl just as she opened her mouth. "Its only weakness it its eye. Hit the eye just before it attacks to hurt it."

"That sounds easy," Link said. "We could do that to Gohma after all and this guy doesn't look as strong as Gohma."

"Damn straight."

Tatl floated over to the boss in question. "Speaking of which, how did you beat Gohma? I mean, she's proven on several occasions that she could probably break you like a Deku stick. You fought her right off the bat too."

"Let's not talk about it," Gohma grunted, not looking the fairy in the eye. "It was a dark day."

"Probably fell on her back and started flailing around like a turtle," Morpha commented cynically, laughing at the mental image. Gohma's eyelid twitched. "Wait, was that actually what happened?"

"I swear, if you-"

Morpha, King Dodongo, Barinade, Volvagia, Koume, Kotake, Tatl and Gyorg all broke into laughter, several of them falling to the floor in hysterics. Even Navi and Igos let out a chuckle. Morpha was the first to regain his voice, shouting in mockery, "Help, help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" This only spurred more laughter.

Gohma growled, her claws digging into the stone floor. "This is coming from the boss even Link was laughing at! Yeah, that's right, you see that idiot over there who once picked his nose with his own sword? He thought you were a joke."

Link nervously glanced at the approaching Eyegore. "Idiot who picked his nose is saying that it's getting closer."

"Don't try to change the focus Queen Turtle," Morpha amusedly said through his laughs. "I think it's time for you to take a laugh for the team."

The Eyegore fired a powerful laser from its eye, covering them all with a new coat of burnt flesh. "Will someone kill that already?" Gohma snapped, glaring at the monster. It blinked in response.