Authors Note- Alrighty, here is the next chapter for ya.
Maybe a tissue is necessary?
Disclaimer- S. Meyer owns all things Twilight.
~\\~
EPOV
~\\~
Beep
.
.
.
Beep
.
.
.
Beep
.
.
.
Beep
" I think he's waking up."
" Edward, sweetheart."
I felt a hand holding mine, squeezing my fingers gently.
" I love you, Edward. Please open your eyes."
Fingers brushed gently through my hair and I leaned into the touch. It was familiar.
I wondered if this was what death felt like, until I could feel the underlying pain. I didn't know someone could feel pain in heaven. Or was I in hell?
When I took a breath, everything hurt. My stomach felt like it had been turned inside out and upside down inside of my body, and it, out of everything, hurt the most. I wasn't sure if I wanted to curl up in a ball or go throw up.
My lungs felt like someone had been relentlessly squeezing them, making it a little hard to breath, but I was still somehow able to. I could feel my ribs aching painfully with each passing breath, and I wanted to groan from the pain.
My entire body felt like someone had smacked a boulder right into me. I felt completely and entirely drained to the point where I didn't even want to open my eyes. A gentle hand brushed over my cheek and I slowly started to open my eyes.
The bright light hit me and I winced away. I heard someone shuffle to turn it down and I completely opened my eyes. I expected white walls, and only saw dark burgundy ones. Everything was quite blurry, and it took a few seconds for things to focus.
I stared at the ceiling for a moment, groaning upon feeling the full force of pain that was wracking my body. I wish that it would go away. When I moved my head, it pounded, and I tried to look forward, my eyes moving tiredly around the room
I saw Carlisle standing next to the bed, along with Esme. There was Alice, Rosalie and Emmett also.
And I also saw Bella.
The thought of her name made my eyes sting with tears. I could still hear her words ringing through my head, piercing my entire being and making my chest ache. I didn't want to feel like that about her.
Why was I still alive?
" Edward, son." I heard Carlisle say.
I distantly heard Alice's quiet sobs from the chair she sat in. Emmett stood next to the chair, slowly rubbing Alice's back and trying in his own way to soothe her. Rosalie stood next to Emmett, teary eyed with a faraway look in them. When I looked over to Carlisle, he looked hurt, and pained, and had a crying Esme who was shaking against him.
I didn't understand this.
Why were they crying?
" Why are you all crying?" I rasped out with a dry throat.
Many looks of disbelief were in my direction, and I felt myself taking in an uneven breath. They looked at me as if I were absolutely insane, and I almost felt like it for a moment, until I just kept wondering why they were upset.
" How can you even ask that, Edward?" Bella asked, moving to rest her head on my hipbone.
" A-And you said you didn't want to...deal with me." I struggled out, trying to make sense out of her.
Slowly she broke down into almost hysterics on me, crying and saying that everything had been all her fault. It took me by complete surprise. I lifted my hand and rested it weakly on the back of her neck, trying in my own way to console her, but being unable to completely calm her down.
I was weak.
" Don't cry over me."
" How could you do this? How could you try to kill yourself Edward." Bella asked, wiping her tears from her face, but they were only replaced by more.
" I fucked up my entire life."
" No you didn't, Edward...And who cares if you mess up, Edward. This isn't the way out, how could you not only do that to yourself, but to me, to your family." Bella shouted.
Rosalie pulled Bella back, trying to restrain her. I could see Bella slowly losing it, and Rosalie was only making it worse by trying to stop her. Bella deserved to get everything off her mind. I wasn't going to let her bottle anything inside.
" No, let her go."
" I love you! I LOVE YOU!" she suddenly screamed, " How do you not understand!"
Bella sunk down to the floor in absolute hysterics while Esme and Rosalie tried to help her up, whispering quietly to her. My heart stabbed with pain for her, and I felt my body becoming tense as I watched it all unfold.
I wanted to be the one next to her holding her up, but I couldn't be in this state. My head pulsed uncomfortably and took a deep breath.
My head lolled to the side, and I tried to say that everything was going to be okay in my head.
It wasn't all going to be okay.
" Let's leave Bella and Edward alone for a minute, okay?" Carlisle said
Before I could even blink Alice launched herself into my arms and hugged me tightly. I felt her warm tears against my neck, and I slowly moved my hand to rest on her back, just laying there and not saying a word.
" I love you." she said firmly before getting off and wiping her tears.
They all cleared the room quickly, Carlisle giving me a short nod before shutting the door. Bella sat with her head down in a chair near the bed. I looked up at the ceiling, trying to take everything in. The silence was making me more nervous as more time passed.
Bella was quiet for a long moment, sitting with her head in her hands.
" I went over to the apartment ten minutes after I hung up. I called you relentlessly afterwards because I...I didn't mean what I said, and it was completely not me. When you didn't answer I got scared, and I went over...You were laying on the floor, and your hand was bleeding, glass everywhere. I screamed, and screamed and you just didn't respond to anything. Your heartbeat just kept getting slower and the paramedics just made it. They said if it was ten minutes longer you probably would have been gone. You would have been...dead."
She stood up and moved towards me. I reached out for her, wincing at the pain from my bandaged right hand. Bella laid down next to me with her face buried in my neck, sobs wracking her little body.
" I don't want you to leave me. I can't live without you, Edward. I'm just as dependent on you as you are of me." she choked out between sobs.
" I hate feeling like a burden."
Bella sat up and looked at me, tears streaking down her face, and resting her hand on my cheek. She leaned towards me, staring me straight into my eyes.
" You are not a burden. You are the man that I love. Edward, you mean the absolute world to me. You are my world, and I can't live without you. You can't do this...Killing yourself would ruin your family. It would ruin me."
" No, it wouldn't."
" Don't say that. You mean so much to them, and if seeing them so broken up over this isn't a slap in the face, then something is very wrong."
" I want it all to go away."
" What do you want to go away. Tell me."
" The fighting, my past, the stress of everything...I need it all to go away."
Bella nodded and leaned forward to rest her forehead against mine.
" You have to speak up about things, Edward. You have to. And you have to realize that it's okay to need help."
She rested her head on my chest, and I used my uninjured hand to run through her hair.
" I love you. Do you love me?"
" I do love you."
Our moment suddenly ended when Carlisle walked in, a doctor next to him who was holding a chart. I knew it was mine, and I almost wanted to just curl up in a ball and just end all of it. I had been so close, but now I had to deal with all of this aftermath.
I couldn't just get up from this bed, be discharged and walk out of this room like I was all fine and okay.
I wasn't okay.
I was suicidal.
They were probably going to keep me here for evaluation, and many other processes because of all this.
I wondered what would happen to Medical School for me.
The student looking to become a doctor, to help people, tried to kill himself.
What a joke.
" Edward, this is Dr. Jergens, one of my colleagues."
Virginia Mason Private Hospital?
" Hello, Edward. I've seen you've woken up, and I presume you are probably in a lot of body pain."
I nodded.
" Well, I just wanted to go over a few things. Last night when you were taken into the Emergency Room we had to pump your stomach. You had overdosed with about twenty pills which are one a half milligram's of the Xanax you were prescribed I hear. As I said, we had to pump your stomach, and you were very lucky; you almost didn't make it." He said, looking over the chart.
" What we're going to do is keep you here to evaluate your behavior, and we are going to be having a psychologist come see you within the next couple of days to talk to you, and discuss where everything will go after that, okay?"
" When do I get to leave?"
" Edward, you tried to kill yourself." he said slowly.
" Yeah, I understand that." I said, fighting an eye roll.
" We need to keep you here for a few days to evaluate you. Obviously there is a reason behind you trying to kill yourself, and I and your family want to try and get to the bottom of everything to do what is best for you. We only just want to help you, Edward."
" Fine, but I'm getting out of here within three days. Send in a damn psychologist, but I'm not going into a psychiatric ward."
" We're going to find you some good help, son." Carlisle stated.
Bella rested her hand on my chest, watching me closely.
I was exhausted.
I wanted to sleep.
" Carlisle, is there any way that I could stay here?" Bella asked forwardly.
" It's not usually al-"
" I need to know that I can be with him and he's okay, if you tell me no I'm still going to find a way."
Carlisle nodded and that was all that there was to it.
The rest of the family soon came in afterwards, and Alice sat in the chair, close to the bed. Rosalie sat on the arm of the chair, and Emmett sat at the end of the bed.
I felt like I mattered.
Bella never moved from my side, in fact, I was pretty sure that she had herself glued herself to me. She was tired, I could tell, and I wanted to just take a nap, but the others were very adamantly talking to me. Esme went to the apartment to get a few things for me; because there was no fucking way I was going to wear this hospital gown.
They could keep me here, but that didn't mean that I was going to wear the attire to add to it
The psychologist was apparently going to be coming here within the next two days, which would be on the third day being here. I hoped that would be all; I didn't want to stay here any longer than I actually had to.
I wasn't sure that I even wanted to talk about it, but I knew that I had to.
I knew that maybe talking to somebody would do well for me.
At this point, though, I felt like there was nothing.
Which is why I tried to end it.
End myself.
Jasper didn't show up, and I honestly did not want him to. I was angry at him, and I could see in Alice's eyes that she was heartbroken by how he'd been acting. Nobody knew where he was after I told him to leave, and he didn't answer phone calls apparently.
It didn't matter anymore.
I was finished with it all anyways.
When Esme returned with a bag, I was able to put on familiar clothes and lay on a pillow that didn't feel like a piece of cardboard. For a private hospital, they should have better pillows. But they did have thick white blankets that were somewhat fucking comfortable.
Nurses came in, flirted, and gave me pain medicine every few hours. Carlisle, Esme...Everybody stayed, and they sat and talked, laughed, and tried to avoid the gigantic elephant in the room. They tried of course, but it didn't exactly ease the awkwardness of it all.
I tried to kill myself.
And I didn't want to sit here and smile, and laugh. I wasn't going to pretend things were okay anymore.
When visiting hours came, everybody had to leave, but Bella stayed. Alice had brought Bella a bag of things, and she changed her clothes in the hospital room's bathroom. The room was more like a nice hotel room. Instead of just chairs, there was a couch against the wall of a window, a flat screen above a tall wooden, rectangle shaped table against the wall with plants on it. Instead of white walls, they were a dark burgundy, it was less depressing.
Bella hopped into the bed next to me, sighing quietly as she settled her head on my shoulder.
" I'm sorry." I whispered.
" What are you sorry for?"
" For making you feel like you have to be here."
" Edward, you don't. I want to be here." she murmured, draping her arm over my stomach.
I turned as good as I could with the IV attached to me, and I wrapped my arms around her tightly, burying my face in her neck. She threaded her fingers through my hair and held me closely.
" It's all going to be alright."
" How do you know?"
" I'm here, always. I don't want you to ever feel like you can't talk to me about anything. What I said on the phone...Edward, I didn't mean it. When I said it and realized it, I felt sick."
I rubbed her back softly and kissed the side of her neck.
" And when I saw you on the floor I thought I lost you. Oh god, I almost lost you."
She cried, and cried, small sobs escaping her. I tried to comfort her, but I was sure that I probably caused damage that would take more than a few hours to heal. I felt awful that I had put her in the situation of where she found me like she had.
Bella doesn't deserve that.
" I'm here, it's okay."
" Do you want to be here? Or do you wish that I hadn't made it in time?"
I had no idea how to respond to the question. Because I wasn't sure I wanted to be in either.
" I don't want either, Bella."
" Do you want me?"
" Of course I do."
" Then why did you try to leave me?"
" Because I couldn't handle the way I'm feeling inside."
Her face was leveled with mine, and she once again rested her forehead on mine. I closed my eyes and leaned into her. Her hands ran over the sides of my face and into my hair. I felt her kiss the side of my jaw softly before moving towards the corner of my mouth, and finally pressing her lips fully on mine.
I wanted to consume her, live her, and have nothing else to do with anything. All I wanted was Bella, and I wanted to be a Medical student, successfully. It was all I wanted, nothing else mattered besides that.
" I love you." I whispered passionately against her lips.
" Promise me you'll never do it again. Promise."
" I promise."
Her lips consumed mine, making me forget everything.
That was all I wanted.
~\\~
" So, Edward. Would you like to tell me why you are here?"
You know why I'm here.
" I tried to kill myself." I stated, looking away.
" Okay, well I am glad that you are aware of your actions. That is a very good start. Would you like to tell me why you tried to kill yourself?"
" Not exactly."
" Okay, well, how about you tell me about your family. Dr. Cullen and his wife adopted you when you were fifteen right?"
" Yes."
" Do you like the Cullen's?"
" Carlisle and Esme have done very much for me; I am very grateful that they accepted me into their family graciously."
" Would you say that you are close with them?"
" Yes."
" How about...Emmett and Alice is it?"
" Yes."
" What about Emmett? Do you both have a good relationship?"
" What are you trying to ask me, really?"
" Do you feel comfortable around Emmett."
" Not always. But not because he is a bad person."
" Why is it then?"
I started to get nervous. I felt sweat gather on my forehead and I wrung my hands together, trying to stop my leg from fidgeting everywhere. With a deep sigh I looked down at my lap, and then I looked back at the psychologist.
Dr. Katherine Fare.
Straight blonde hair, green eyes, slender body and somewhat tall. She had on a fancy black suit and expensive looking blouse underneath it, finished off with high heels and makeup on her fair toned face. Early thirties or late twenties I could guess, she looked rather new to this, but knew what she was doing.
At least that was something good.
" My father abused me as a child, I'm generally wary of all male figures." I bluntly said.
" When did your father started abusing you?"
" I don't know, two-three years old."
She nodded. " And where is your father now?"
" Dead."
" How did he die?"
" Why does it matter?"
" I just want to know more about your life, Edward, that is all. If I can evaluate you correctly, then I can get you the best help."
" I don't need help."
She quirked one perfect eyebrow at me.
" Fine. My mother killed him. It was a self-defense case. That same night I was brutally beaten, put in the hospital, and my mother skipped town to deal with her own problems."
" I hear that your mother has recently come back into your life, and has caused much stress."
" She came into town a few weeks ago, and tried to get in contact with me."
" Have you spoken to her?"
" Yes."
" I can understand that you probably have a lot of anger towards her, feelings of abandonment, fear. It's understandable especially when she left at probably a very hard time in your life, you were alone, vulnerable and scared. Did those feelings come back when she came around?"
" Yes." I sighed
She nodded, " Did you tell her how you felt?"
" Yes, I did."
" And?"
" And nothing. We fucking sat down, talked about it, and end of story. She left because she had to deal with it on her own, it doesn't matter."
" It does to you, Edward. Very much."
I scoffed.
" I understand that you think you can deal with things on your own, that you don't need to rely on anybody, but you do, and that's okay. You will have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes; us people need help. Now, I am going to give you a list of numbers for a psychiatrist, and I will also tell your family about this list. Think about yourself, Edward, do something good for you to help you in your future. I know that you can accomplish great things."
Without anything more said, she left a piece of paper on the table in front of me and stood up, grabbing her brief case and confidently walking out of the room, her heels clicking on the floor. I leaned back in the chair, sighing deeply with too many thoughts running through my head.
Three days in this hospital it's been.
It was all people watching me closely, my family walking on eggshells around me. Jasper standing awkwardly in corners next to Alice saying not a word, and Bella somewhat close to an emotional wreck over this.
I knew that I couldn't continue myself on the path I was on. Hell, I veered off that fucking path months ago, and I knew that I had to either do something about it, or either go down this path again. And I didn't want to do that.
I wanted to be someone who was worthy of Bella.
I wanted to be someone worthy of being part of the Cullen family.
Bella hesitantly walked into the room, and I stood up.
They had taken me off the IV last night; I would most likely be able to go home tomorrow. I was tired of being in here, it felt like a prison almost, and I have only left this damn room once. Everything I needed was in here, or brought to me, including food, clothes and basically anything else, so I technically had no reason to leave here.
" How was it?"
" Questions, more questions, prying, and she gave me a list of psychiatrists."
" What are you going to do?"
" Call one of them and hopefully try and...work through this."
Bella wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly. I sighed into her neck, holding her tightly.
" I'm proud of you.".
" I want to get out of here."
" Speaking of living arrangements...Carlisle needs to talk to you about something."
" What is it? Don't fucking tell me he wants me to stay with him and Esme because of this. I can take care of myself."
" No, that's not it...But...Obviously you can't stay by yourself right now, Edward. I know that you want to just get back into your schedule, but this changed things."
" I'm fine."
" Please, Edward...Just, please. Let Carlisle say what he wants right now, okay?"
I didn't go sit on the hospital bed; I was fucking tired of it.
I sat down in the chair once again, and perched Bella in my lap. Carlisle and Esme both walked into the room, and Carlisle held two envelopes in his hands. He sat down in the chair that the psychologist had previously, and set both on the table. One enveloped looked more worn, the other one crisp and clean white.
" Edward, these were left at your apartment by your mother. She must have mailed them a few days ago. When Esme went to pick up your mail she found both of these in the pile. And I want to talk to you about it."
" Okay."
" One is the contract to your great-grandfathers house, and all of the papers for the house. She is leaving the house to you, and there is also a letter in this other envelope that she wrote for you. I have not read it."
She left me a house.
My great-grandfather Nicholas' house.
My breath caught for a moment before I felt Bella rest her hand on my leg and give it a squeeze.
" She did?"
" Yes, she did." Carlisle stated, grabbing the worn envelope and taking out the contents.
There was the contract to the house; also another paper that listed signatures of other ancestors and family members that had the house for themselves, my mother's name was last on this list, her signature. There was more lines going down the page, and the next blank line below my mother's was a date written next to it. It was dated December 20th, 2008.
And if I chose to sign it and go over it with whoever the contract was signed with, the house would be mine. It would probably be the only thing I would ever have from early family. Or even from my family in general. I picked up the paper, running my hands over it.
" I never thought she would...She told me she was going to sell it. The reason she came to Seattle was so that she could fix it up to put it on the market. I don't understand why she would decide to give it to me."
" Well, that is probably explained in the letter that she sent you. You can read it when you choose, but I know the decision about the house has to be made within thirty days, or else the house will belong to the state of Washington."
" Bella mentioned something about living arrangements."
" Carlisle and I spoke to Bella concerning you. Obviously, you and Jasper haven't been on great terms, and we also talked to him about the situation. If you decide soon that you want to keep your great-grandfathers house, than Bella has graciously offered to stay with you. Obviously, it would take time to move out of the apartment, but we don't want you alone for now."
" I won't make Bella my babysitter."
" That's not what I am. But, look, I have time on my hands right now, and I want to spend time with you. I want to help you."
" It's playing babysitter."
" Goddammit, Edward, either you let me stay with you or you can be put in a psychiatric ward where someone strangers can monitor you day in and day out. Take your pick."
" Can I be alone for a short while. I just want to read this letter and process everything that is going on right now." I said shortly.
Carlisle and Esme nodded in understanding and walked out immediately. Bella however watched me for a moment, not saying anything. Afterwards she stood up and wrapped her arms around me, whispering her love in my ear before releasing me. I gave her a lingering kiss and sighed as she drifted from my arms. When the door closed, I sat on the edge of the hospital bed.
I fiddled with the corners of the white letter before opening it, finding a perfectly folded piece of paper inside. I was almost afraid to open it, but I knew that I had to get some courage and face it. This was just a letter, and I wouldn't let it ruin my life.
I unfolded the letter with a deep sigh.
December 21st, 2008
My Dearest Edward,
Author Note- I'm a tease. I know. Just for future reference; I won't be dragging out the hospital stay very much.
Last chapter I got some major love, and I loved that major love. Feel free to majorly love me again!