AN: This is where I begin jumping ahead in time again and I'll be skipping around from here just hitting the highlights of the series that are important for moving the story forward. Again, I'm playing with dates compared to air dates. For example, "Service Above and Beyond" aired on Nov 22 which was a Monday, but the party Lee and Amanda attended that started the action was on a Friday and the episode carried through several more days to at least the following Sunday in the tag, if not later, spanning more than a week of their lives, so I'm adjusting accordingly. Also, since Jamie's birthday is around November 28-30, based on the episode date and that a couple of days passed during the episode prior to the party, I'm adjusting the date of the birthday party to the following weekend to make the timeline work, assuming that Amanda wouldn't have had the party on a school day. Again, because of Monday night airdates interfering with the logical progression of things.
November 15, 1983
Amanda looked around at the hoard of stuff Lee had bought for Alexi, "You know, it looks like you're sort of, uh, you're spoiling the kid rotten, maybe you're trying to, um, to buy his affections." She took another look at the giant panda and added, "You know, you could definitely buy mine with this guy, this guy is gorgeous. I-" She broke off awkwardly when she realized how that sounded. Truth be told, if Lee were to just be himself, the kind, loving man that she knew he could be, there would be no need to buy her affections.
"He might like it," he retorted testily and walked across the room to distance himself from her. This case was bringing back way too many memories for him.
Amanda looked sideways at him. She couldn't help wondering if this shopping binge, as well as the prior one at the grocery store, had been more to do with a displaced way to make up for all the things he'd never done for Phillip. She could definitely sense some sadness in him. My fault, she thought guiltily. Her guilty feelings and her kind thoughts about him were soon shattered though when he decided to pick a fight about her cleaning his apartment.
When he finally ended his rant, she mused aloud, "You know, I think Alexi was right when he said that we were incompatible." It saddened her to think so, but she was beginning to believe it.
Lee looked startled. "Oh, Alexi said that?"
"Actually he said, 'Lee's fun. You're a drag.'" She had a feeling Lee felt the same way about her since she'd turned down his advances last month.
"You know, he's not all that bad." He walked over to where Amanda was leaning against the mantle. "I mean some kids deserve a little spoiling. Life's not easy. And it's a lot harder for a scared kid. You know, maybe he pretends to be tough so no one will know how scared he is."
"You know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were speaking from personal experience," she prodded in an attempt to get him to open up.
"You're not kidding. Did I ever tell you about my childhood?"
"No," Amanda fibbed. He had told her about his travels with his uncle and that his parents died when he was young, but not what had led to the pain she saw in his eyes now, though the way he'd spoken of Alexi, she was sure part of it had to do with Phillip as well.
"Yeah, I didn't think so," he glanced at her for a moment, her face encouraging him to go on, but he couldn't. He couldn't trust her enough not to use it against him the next time they had a fight. Instead of giving her what he wanted, he turned away from her in the direction of his stereo system.
There he goes again, she thought with a roll of her eyes when he started the fight back up over his record collection. She shook her head. She'd begun to learn that whenever he didn't want to talk about something that had emotional significance, he got defensive or picked a fight. She was amazed that for a man she'd known for eleven years and had even been intimate with, she still knew so little about him. Just like last week when she'd asked him about his codename...He'd told her that she could ask him anything, but once she had, he clammed up again and said that it was personal. She wondered, just what could be so personal about it?
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Saturday, November 19, 1983
If I were that someone, I wouldn't leave you alone for a moment. James Delano's words from the night before kept echoing through her ears as she tried to sleep. So similar in meaning to words Lee had spoken to her many years ago. If I were lucky enough to have you as my girl, I'd never be able to take my eyes off you, let alone let you get away. Yet, he had and not just then, but many times since then. While she understood on one level that she'd hurt him and that he might be afraid of that happening again, she couldn't understand why sometimes he was just downright...cold. Those thoughts led to other internal questions about his boorish behavior in the ladies room, acting crazy jealous as if he had a perfect right to it. How dare he behave like such a horse's ass when he was the one who'd told her to go to dinner with Jim in the first place? Of course, the fact that he was so jealous meant that he still cared. Or did he? He'd pretty much made it clear that the only reason he'd asked her to the party the previous night was so he didn't have to be alone on a Friday night.
At the same time, Lee paced the floor of his apartment, nursing a glass of scotch and seething. Who the hell did she think she was? Didn't she realize that she was on a job and not some date? Just the night before she'd been his date. He'd more or less told her that that was what she was, hadn't he? She'd asked why she was there and what her job was and he'd told her she was just there for fun. He's also told her that it would be too depressing to be there on a Friday night alone. Didn't she get that that meant something? Everyone knew that Friday night was date night. That was just common knowledge. But then she'd chatted up the one person in the room that made his blood boil, the very slimeball that he was investigating. The longer he'd listened to her shamelessly flirting with Delano on the mic tonight, the angrier he'd become and then even more so at her outrage at him for being jealous and telling him that he had no right to be. Why the hell didn't he have a right to be jealous? She was his girl...wasn't she?
Thursday, November 24, 1983
Amanda was in the midst of slicing up the fresh pumpkin pie she'd made for dessert and called out, "Who wants whipped cream?" just as she heard a tap on her kitchen window. She whipped her head around to see Lee's grinning face on the other side and shook her head. "Um...Mother, can you take over here? I just heard something outside. I think the Fergusons' dog is trying to get into our garbage cans again."
"Oh, that little mongrel. They oughtta' put him to sleep or something," Dotty grumbled as she entered the kitchen. "If you catch him, you should turn him into Animal Control instead of taking him back home this time. Maybe that'll teach the Fergusons a lesson about letting him run wild the way they do."
"Well, I'll definitely think about that, Mother," as she pulled her coat on and opened the back door. "But as dogs go, he's not that bad."
"So I'm a dog now?" Lee questioned once Amanda had closed the door behind her.
She bit back the retort that had formed in her mind on how he'd been behaving like one with the way he dated multiple women, yet still felt that he had to mark his territory with her. Instead, she hissed, "What are you doing here? If you came here to remind me of what my job is, I already know what I'm supposed to do on Saturday. You don't need to come here on Thanksgiving of all days just to remind me of it again."
"I'm well aware that it's Thanksgiving. That's why I'm here. You invited me, remember?" He teased.
"What? I did?" Amanda tried to recall when she would have done such a thing.
"Mm-hmm. That day at the memorial, you asked me if I had someplace to go for Thanksgiving."
"Oh, right. The day that you did everything in your power to get rid of me, you mean?" She narrowed her eyes at him.
"Okay, sure. I was a little-"
"Rude," she finished for him. "You were rude."
"Well, you weren't exactly kind, you know. With the way you threw out there that thing about having No Mrs. Spy and no little spies." He nodded to the house. "My little spy is in there and you should have been my Mrs. Spy. Other than that...no."
"Well, there was that woman in Hilton Head," she pointed out.
"Agent Saunders of the DEA, you mean? Oh, come on, Amanda! After what happened that weekend, you knew damn well that she wasn't really my wife!" He thought back to that report she'd created, the one that had caused him so much worry. That bitch! He felt a tiny bit guilty as soon as he thought it as he was reminded of Billy's words to him about owing her more respect than that now that she was dead. That guilty feeling was soon followed by a sharp stab of pain as he remembered that it was by the same killer who'd murdered Andy and the son of a bitch had still not yet been apprehended. "That was just a cover!"
"Okay, so I wasn't thinking, but how was I to know that in all these years, you'd never married or had other children?"
"You would have if you really knew me," he retorted.
Amanda sighed. "And how am I supposed to do that when you're more silent than some old Buster Keaton film? Every time I ask you something personal about yourself you clam up...or worse, disappear." She was still curious about his codename and why he was so reluctant to talk about it. What could be that painful about a codename?
"Maybe you don't have the right to know," he fired back.
"We are partners, aren't we? Aren't partners supposed to share things? Aren't partners supposed to trust each other?"
"Okay, Partner," he sneered and folded his arms across his chest. "You wanna' share. Fine. How about you go first and tell me why you really got divorced?" He was dying to know if it had been because of him. Had she finally left Joe King for him?
"No. Mm-mm." She shook her head. "You haven't earned the right to know."
"Well, same here." He lowered his arms and nodded to that house. "So, about that dinner invitation... That homemade pie's looking pretty good in there." He reached for the doorknob of her backdoor.
"Oh, come on!" She grabbed his hand to stop him with a look of panic on her face. "That was just a general question if you had some place to go. Besides, after everything that's happened, I didn't really think you'd take the invitation seriously."
"So, it was an invitation?"
"No," she hurriedly answered. "Just wanted to make sure you wouldn't be alone. No one should be alone during the holidays."
"But if you don't let me in, I'll be alone," he told her with a mock pout. "If I come in, at least I'll be with my son." He couldn't resist twisting the knife a little.
"You're taking this way too seriously," she scolded him, but inside felt a pang of guilt because she regretted keeping him from their son for years.
He laughed loudly. "I'm not. I don't expect you to invite me in or anything. I just wanted to see the look on your face."
She slapped playfully at his chest and rolled her eyes. "So, why are you really here?"
He shrugged. Why was he here? "I don't know. It's just after that fight we had...you know, about Delano, I thought..." He let out a sigh. "I admit it, okay? I was jealous. Just like I'm jealous of that guy in there with you and my kid where I should be. Why do you think I asked you to be my date the other night?"
"Y-your d-date?"
"Yeah, my date," he insisted. "You know, someone to walk in on my arm...to...I don't know." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He'd given away too much and he knew it.
"You've got a funny idea of what a date is supposed to be. First, of all, you don't ditch your date. Second, you don't turn your 'date' down when she asks you to dance and let her go dance with someone else instead." She let out a deep sigh. "Don't you remember what you said to me all those years ago? That if I were your girl, you'd never be able to take your eyes off me and that you'd never let me get away?"
"But are you my girl?" He gestured to Dean's car in the driveway behind hers. "Seems to me that you're still his girl," he spat. He turned to her and grabbed her arms and pulled her close. "Why can't it be that way? Why can't you be my girl? Why can't I be a father to my son? I could be good to Jamie too, you know. Better than he is."
"B-b-but you said...you said they couldn't know about you. That your job was too dangerous." Lee let his grip on her arms go with a sigh. "You said that it wasn't safe."
He relaxed a bit and reached for her hands and held them tightly. "When have things ever been safe between us, Amanda?"
Amanda looked down at their joined hands and thought about how easy it would be to give in to what he was asking for, but she just couldn't. She'd tried a couple of times to go down that road with him and it had ended badly every single time. She pulled her hands from his and insisted, "Look, you have to go. Like you said, Dean's in there and if I'm not back in a few minutes, he'll come out here and wanna know why."
"So, tell him. Or better yet, I will. I'll tell him that you're pretending with him, just like you're pretending with Delano; only the difference is, you're using your real name to do it, but that doesn't make the feelings real." Looking into her eyes, he was more sure now than ever that she wasn't in love with Dean. "Maybe I'll also tell him how you pretended for years with your ex, pretended you wanted him when all along you wanted me. Or how you've been pretending for years that Joe is Phillip's father."
"You wouldn't dare!"
"He doesn't know, does he? About me? About your dirty little secret?"
"No and he never needs to." She shook her head and turned away. "I've gotta go."
Lee let out a chuckle at the consternation he'd seen on her face, elated that he'd hit his mark. He walked down her driveway with a jaunty whistle.
Thursday, November 26, 1983
Lee sat by Amanda's bedside at Parker General, holding her hand and wishing to God he didn't have to be here. Why was it that no matter what happened, they always ended up here...in this stupid hospital? His prior anger at her had long since dissipated to be replaced by gut-wrenching fear once he'd seen her unconscious on the floor of one of Delano's lavish guest bedrooms. He wondered how she'd gotten there. Had Delano led her up there? If that were the case, then why would she have gone? She was pretty well set in her mind that as long as she was with Dean, there wasn't room for anyone else in her life. No, that theory didn't wash. Besides, when he'd come in, Delano was still with his party guests.
His other theory gave him an entirely different kind of feeling...guilt. If it hadn't been Delano, it had to have been that Hollander had nabbed her. The creep must have caught her completing her assignment to signal him that it was okay to enter the house. Yes, that made more sense and would explain why he'd been jumped himself, but it didn't make him feel any better. He shook his head as he recalled his threat to Delano in order to find out what she'd been given. Over the top, sure, but he couldn't let her die. Despite everything, she was still the mother of his child. And the love of your life, an inner voice reminded him. He glanced at her peacefully sleeping form. What would it take, what did he have to do to get her to see that? He'd told her she looked fabulous, didn't he? He'd tried to make his feelings known...hadn't he?
Screw it, he thought as he released her hand and walked toward the door. He already knew from the doctors that she was going to be okay. It was now just a matter of letting her sleep it off and wake up on her own. He didn't need to be there for that. He'd just check in on her at the house sometime. Although, he was starting to feel that he didn't need to be near her at all. He was too dangerous for her. He'd warned her about keeping her family out of it to protect them, but who was protecting her? He thought back to their conversation just two days ago in her backyard about how things weren't safe. He supposed it didn't matter. She clearly didn't want to be with him and it was...painful. It was best if he just moved on and let her go. Besides, he was in dire need of a vacation.
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Monday, November 28, 1983
Amanda had chased the boys out of the kitchen so she could finishing baking the cake she was working on for Jamie's family birthday dinner tonight. She'd have a larger one for the party guests on Saturday, but wanted to have something today for his actual birthday. She thought she was finally at peace until her mother spoke up.
"Speaking of Dean," Dotty began in that tone that told Amanda all too well that she was about to start singing his praises again. "I think I have pinpointed what it is about him you find most resistible."
"Mother, there's nothing about him that's most resistible," Amanda told her mother as she paused for a moment in stirring her cake batter. She was hoping her mother would get her meaning that everything about Dean was resistible and that she just wasn't that interested. Her mind flashed back to her conversation with Lee about how she was pretending with him and shook her head. She knew it was true, but she just wasn't sure how to get out of it gracefully. Dean was the very definition of a transition man for her. It had just taken her too long to realize it.
"Amanda, I have known you since you were teensy. I know when your fires are fanned!" She gave her daughter a knowing look, still not convinced that she wasn't seeing her old flame on the side. Something had changed in her daughter in the past couple of months and it reminded her way too much of the prior times Amanda had encountered this mysterious man who'd fathered her eldest child.
Amanda rolled her eyes and went back to her stirring with and irritated, "Oh, gosh."
"Is it because you find him so predictable? I mean there is a playful side to Dean that you may not know about."
Amanda sighed and thought, predictable, tedious, banal, boring...
Dotty looked around, and then leaned over and whispered, "I swore I wouldn't tell you this, but do you know what the weather bureau is going to call the next major hurricane? Amanda! At the suggestion of Dean, we are crossing our fingers that it happens on St. Valentine's Day!"
"Ugh!" Amanda groaned. First, bookends, now a hurricane? Did Dean have no concept of romance? She was spared further commentary when the phone rang. When she answered it and found it to be Lee on the other end, she couldn't help thinking, Speaking of men with no concept of romance, she groaned inwardly, the man who thought ditching a woman at a fancy party was a date.
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"Lee, we're, uh, not supposed to take this personally. It's our objectivity which makes us effective," Billy gently reminded him.
"Amanda is dying in my place, that's as personal as it gets!" Lee snapped as he turned away from his boss, the guilty feelings washing over him. It was his fault she was in danger. If he just hadn't tried to distance himself from her with this stupid trip, she'd be safe at home planning her kid's birthday party.
"If it were another agent, would you feel the same way?" Billy knew all too well that though Lee tried to pretend there was no longer anything between him and Amanda, he still had deep feelings for her.
Lee turned back around. "I don't know." Yet he did. He knew he wouldn't feel quite as strongly if it were anyone else.
"Is there something between you and Amanda?" He wondered if something had happened between them again and if that was why he'd been in such a rush to get away. He'd known Lee for long enough to know that when things got too emotionally complicated for him, he had a tendency to run. When Lee chuckled tensely and shook his head, Billy asked the next logical question. "Well, why was she at your apartment?
Lee sighed and explained, "She was feeding my fish."
"This one isn't easy," Billy acknowledged. "Give it some time." He didn't really know what else to say to him. He couldn't imagine how he would feel if it were Jeanie.
"I can't live with this one, Billy." Billy nodded sympathetically and sensing that Lee needed time alone, he left the room.
Once Lee was alone, memories of his Thanksgiving chat with Amanda flooded his mind and he felt like a huge failure. Worse, he felt as bad as when Andy had been killed...that it had been his fault. He'd thought he was doing the right thing by her in getting away from her for awhile. He'd figured that maybe if he was gone, she'd forget about the spy business and go back to something safer. After the words they'd spoken to each other at Thanksgiving and what had happened to her with Hollander and Delano, he just wanted to keep her out of harm's way. Now, she was in danger simply because he'd asked her to feed his fish. The guilt was overwhelming him. He knew he'd never be able to live with himself if she died in his place just because she happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had to do something, no matter what the cost.
Tuesday. November 29, 1983
Once her mother was safely in the kitchen, Amanda lowered her voice to a harsh whisper, "What are you doing here? You people are never supposed to come here!"
Francine raised an eyebrow at the 'you people,' but then shook her head and bit back the barb that was on the tip of her tongue. She had more important things to do than to let this siren get under her skin. "Yeah, Amanda, do you know where Lee is?"
Amanda's brow furrowed with worry. "No, of course not! Why, Francine, is something wrong?"
Francine snorted. Typical Lee and doing everything he could to keep his precious lover out of things. "I can't believe he didn't tell you."
Amanda shook her head, still not understanding.
In an urgent tone, Francine explained, "Amanda, half of the Agency is looking for Lee." When Amanda shrugged in confusion, she continued, "They're bringing him up on charges. Treason!" She gave Amanda a cool glare. Didn't she realize how much trouble Lee was in because of her?
Amanda gasped, "Oh, my gosh. Why?"
"For trading Rostov for you!" she snapped impatiently. How could she still not understand? She took some measure of satisfaction in seeing Amanda's jaw drop. "He disobeyed an executive order." For you, she mentally added
When the full weight of Francine's words sank in, she questioned timidly, "You mean they weren't going to make that trade? He did that on his own?" She looked away sadly and shook her head. "No. I didn't know." Her heart sank at hearing how much trouble he was in over her. She just couldn't figure him out at times. He'd be cold and callous to her one moment and risking his career on her the next.
There was an awkward moment of silence between the two women. Then Francine called to Dotty, "Uh, I really have to be going, could I take a rain check on that strudel?" She flashed Dotty her best cordial smile.
Dotty, who was just coming around the corner with a plate full of strudel, stopped dead in her tracks and responded, "Oh. All right. Be careful with that chimpanzee!"
Francine's smile faded and she responded with a simple, "Yes." When Dotty walked away again, she leaned back over to Amanda. "Lee is in a great deal of trouble. No one can help him. Now as much as I hate to say this, you may be hearing from him before me." Amanda nodded sympathetically. "Tell him to take care of himself. Tell him...that I'm still his friend." It had bothered her from the beginning that Lee couldn't get this woman out of his system, but she'd never thought that he'd go so far as to commit treason for her. She felt sure that it was at least partially to do with the fact that Amanda was the mother of his son. She wanted to really lay into her and tell her that she was ruining him, but she knew this situation called for discretion and she was still a professional. However, the whole thing just made her sad.
Amanda nodded again and gingerly reached her hand out to pat Francine's shoulder. "Don't you worry." She watched Francine nod sadly as she stood up and walked out of the door.
Saturday, December 3, 1983
Lee watched from the shadows, smiling at Jamie's excitement in seeing Pretzel the Clown there for his birthday. He hadn't forgotten what Amanda had said about how Dean loved both of her kids. Well, maybe he'd just have to prove to her that he could too. When she caught his eye through the window, she mouthed a silent, "thank you," to which he responded with a wink just before he left. His smile grew wider as he slinked out of her backyard once again whistling as he trekked down her driveway. Maybe now was the time that she'd think twice about that boyfriend of hers now that she knew he'd accomplished something that the weatherman couldn't.