The More, the Merrier
"Handle with Care"
Asgard
The very ground shook as the God of Thunder tossed his hammer in frustration. As much as he didn't want to turn back, his curiosity compelled him to. The reflecting pool that showed what was happening on Earth had transfixed the tall, powerfully built God.
"Oh, not again," he cried and slammed his hammer against his palm. One of the Gods of the Norse pantheon Balder came walking over.
"What troubles you so, Thor?"
"Midgard,' Thor grumbled.
"Is there some new threat there?"
"If only it were that simple! No, my friend, it is these two, Clark and Diana! Enough is enough, I tell you!"
Balder stepped to Thor's side. He took a long look into the reflecting pool in front of Thor.
"Oh, yes, I see, yes, they are very interesting,' Balder admitted. "I have a bet with Dionysus on those two."
"Dionysus? The Greek,' Thor asked in surprise.
"Yes, he loves to gamble and gave me very favorable odds,' Balder explained.
"So now he or one of the others will interfere, I suppose?"
"No, that is one of the rules, no God may interfere," Balder said with a shake of his head. He turned and looked at Thor. "Why are you so interested in them? They are just living together."
Thor started and stopped several times, growing more frustrated by the moment. Finally he unleashed a rant that seemed to sum up all the things about the situation that bothered him.
"I just find it, the whole situation so frustrating! Clark is being stupid. I respect him as Superman but by Odin's beard, he is getting in his own way here. Kiss her, you magnificent bastard! Clark is just soooo naive. Clark is more than just a Boy Scout. He's a self-imagined martyr for his own cause. I wish I could reach down there and grab Clark to tell him to shut up about bringing her. Do it man! I had hoped Clark would step up his game with Diana! I wanted to shout just give in Clark, she's perfect! You can't resist. So close but yet so far! Damn the eyes of Loki, Clark why are you such a Boy Scout! I got ripped off of a lemon! By the Valkyrie's blood, if I were Diana I'd say f*ck Clark and go get a man who can see being with her is worth the risk and they doesn't have to martyr himself over her."
Balder looked at Thor.
"You have such a strange manner when you speak of this. A Boy Scout? A lemon?"
"They are expressions I picked up, I'll explain them later,' Thor replied. "The point is I'm washing my hands of the man! If he doesn't know how to woo a woman like Diana, then he should step aside and allow a real man that does!"
"He is handicapped by not being allowed to use his powers,' Balder pointed out.
"Please," Thor said dismissively. "For a real man that would be no problem. Diana is beautiful, but innocent. She needs a strong man that will sweep her off her feet!"
"Why does that sound remarkably like you,' Balder said with a smile.
"What? You don't think I could do it," Thor asked indignantly.
"Are you offering me a bet, Thor," Balder asked. "Because it certainly sounds like one."
"What do you have in mind,' Thor replied.
"Well, if it is so easy for a real man as you put it, to get the Princess, I challenge you to put up or shut up,' Balder bluntly said. "You go down there, without using your powers and capture the Princess' heart. Is it a bet?"
"It's a bet!"
The two Gods clasped forearms and smiled.
The Watchtower
Dinah walked casually, yet with a purpose down the station hallway. She was pleasant, returning each greeting, but didn't linger for conversation. The further she went the fewer and fewer members she saw. Finally she arrived at the Observation deck and opened the door. Standing looking out at the stars was Oliver Queen. He turned at the sound of the door opening and watched her walk in.
"It's done,' she said.
"Yes, I figured as much,' he replied. "Are you sure she won't know?"
"Once the compound is on her skin, it sinks in and is undetectable,' Dinah explained. "The transporter activates it."
"Seems Plastic Man has his talents after all,' Ollie said and then looked back out at the stars.
"Why did you use him, anyway,' Dinah asked. She came up and stood next to him. "You know I can't stand the man."
Ollie shrugged, but didn't turn towards her.
"She's a trained soldier and would have been looking for a sneak attack,' Ollie explained. "Plastic Man's just annoying enough she would overlook him. As soon as she made contact with him, the compounded entered her skin."
"I guess Bruce was right, it would work without her knowing,' Diana commented.
"So you're not a little uneasy about it,' Ollie asked. "Keeping this from the others is okay with you?"
"Yes, but she's too dangerous,' Dinah replied. "The mission is too important."
"Through those beautiful lips I suddenly hear Batman,' Ollie said dryly. "So I guess your date wasn't just a one time thing, huh?"
"Don't Ollie," Dinah replied. "It's over between us. Who I go out with is none of your concern anymore. Besides, the mission is the important thing."
Ollie smiled and then glanced out at the stars.
"It's not jealousy, Dinah,' he said. "I still care about you, but I can accept it ending. I'm worried about where you are heading. It's a dangerous path you're on and I don't think you can come back from it."
"Did it ever occur to you I finally know what I want, Ollie? I'm a grown woman and I think I can make my own decisions now."
He just nodded and started for the door. He stopped and turned back to her.
"Don't ask me for another favor like this again, please."
He took one last look at her and left the room. Dinah leaned back against the railing, still looking at the door. The room was deathly silent.
""I hope you know how uncomfortable that was, asking him,' she said.
"I didn't force you. You made a choice, Dinah."
Stepping out of the shadows was Batman.
"I care for him, Bruce, and I feel like I used him."
"Sacrifices have to be made sometimes for the greater good, Dinah,' he replied. "Lashina is a very dangerous woman. We couldn't just let her roam free on Earth."
"I know and I agree, but why this way?"
"Because Clark was partly right,' Batman said. "This station wasn't set up to be a jail."
"Why not transfer to a jail down on the planet?"
"Because I still believe everyone is entitled to a trial, no matter who they are,' he explained. "To hold her indefinitely without charging her with anything is wrong."
"Even if it's for everyone's safety,' Dinah asked
"That's the way it always starts,' he replied. "We are an organization founded on principles, Dinah. The moment we compromise them for the easy solution, we're on the road to being no better than the people we fight."
"A slippery slope?"
"No, that's too cliché,' he said with a shake of his head. "It's always easy to justify compromising your principles. The hard part is sticking to them even in the face of the worst affronts to humanity. If the mission is to mean anything, then it has to be based on principles, ones that don't change when things get tough."
She turned and looked at him now.
"So what do your principles say about letting Lashina loose in the suburbs? What about the innocent people that are surrounding her,' she challenged. "If she does attack and they get caught in the crossfire, I doubt they'll care about your principled reason for doing it, Bruce."
"That's why we tagged her with the compound,' Batman explained. "She gets her second chance, but we make sure she lives up to her side of it. Lashina steps out of line, just once, and we'll know it. "
"So are you going to keep this from the others? What does your principles say about that?"
"They agreed with Clark to give her a second chance,' Bruce rationalized. "We're just making sure she keeps to the bargain."
'So the answer is, no, you're not going to tell them."
"Not unless it's necessary."
"And if she goes rogue in the suburbs?"
"My instincts say that isn't what she's after,' Bruce replied. "I think this is more about Clark than anything."
"What if you're wrong and she goes crazy?"
Suddenly Bruce was completely gone and only Batman remained. His voice was cold and flat as he answered her.
'You seem to forget who actually owns that house, Dinah."
Gotham Heights
What seemed like a simple task, getting Lashina some clothes turned out to be not so simple. She was currently wearing a dress Diana had given her. To describe it as matronly would be generous. Diana believed Kara would describe it as neo-Amish. Lashina was not pleased with it and Diana was trying hard not to smile. She wasn't having a lot of success.
The simple solution would have been for Diana and Lashina to go to the mall and pick out some things for her to wear. Diana didn't want to go anywhere with Lashina and Lashina felt the same way. Clark and Diana weren't comfortable with the idea of Lashina going by herself. Diana didn't like the idea of Lashina going with Clark. Lashina, basing things on the dress, didn't want Diana going to buy her clothes.
They finally agreed on Clark going to the mall and getting her some clothes. This meant Lashina and Diana were home alone. Clark was nervous about this, but both women assured him there would be no fighting. He was more than a little dubious about that, but didn't have an alternative. Reluctantly he headed out, hoping the house was still standing when he got back.
At first they did their best to ignore each other. This worked for perhaps twenty minutes. It was a simple question that changed everything.
"So you like being married to Kal-El?"
Diana was sitting on the couch reading and looked up to see Lashina across from her.
"Yes," Diana admitted.
"I did too," Lashina replied. She raised one eyebrow and smiled wickedly.
"You were never married to Kal, Lashina, so stop lying,' Diana replied.
"Not in the formal sense, true, but in every way that really matters we were."
Diana put her magazine down and turned all her attention to Lashina.
"You're lying."
"Am I? You mean he hasn't told you about our time together,' Lashina asked. "My, my, my, that seems like something a husband should tell his wife, don't you think?"
"You and Kal?"
"Uh-huh."
"When did this liaison supposedly happen,' Diana asked, still not believing a word of it.
"When he was on Apokolips."
"When he was brainwashed, you mean,' Diana fired back. "I would imagine it would take brainwashing him to be with you."
"The kitten has claws,' Lashina dismissively said. "For your information, he was only brainwashed to believe he was Darkseid's son. That little change seemed to release all his unbridled passion. I don't have to tell you about those, do I?"
Diana was getting angry now. The thought of what Lashina was suggesting made her blood boil. The idea of Kal and this woman together was too much. It had to be a lie.
"You are lying, Lashina, I just know it,' Diana finally said.
Lashina chuckled and stretched on the chair. She gave Diana a dismissive look and then leaned forward. She slowly got up and moved around the coffee table and sat down next to Diana. Diana found her much too close and moved further down the couch.
"Four feet, Lashina, have you never heard of personal space?"
Lashina smiled wickedly at Diana.
"You're starting to sound like him, Princess."
"Don't call me Princess."
If Lashina heard her, she gave no indication.
"You sound like him, but have you been with him, Princess?"
"That's none of your business, Lashina."
"That means no,' Lashina triumphantly replied. She sat back and chuckled at this. Diana's anger continued to rise.
"And you're going to say you have," Diana asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "I would have thought Kal had better taste that than. Then again, he was brainwashed."
Lashina looked over at Diana. The smile was still on her lips, but there was no warmth behind it.
"If you ever do have sex with him, which I doubt, perhaps he won't call out my name in the heat of the moment."
"I don't believe a word you say, Lashina."
Lashina stood up and looked down at Diana.
"Face it, Princess, your 'marriage' is just an illusion. Kal-El needs a real woman, not an animated clay blow up doll."
She laughed cruelly and started to walk away. Diana could stand it no more. Her lasso magically appeared in her hand and she launched it at Lashina. She tried to dodge, but the lasso caught around her wrist. Diana was on her feet now, holding on as Lashina struggled to break free.
"We will get to the truth now,' Diana growled. "You can't break it, so stop trying. Why are you really here, Lashina?"
The warrior from Apokolips screamed in frustration but she could feel the lasso compelling her to tell the truth.
"Him!"
She finally spat it out, glaring murderously at Diana.
"Kal? Why?"
"He deserves better than the likes of you, Princess! He's mine; I'm his perfect match! I would rather see him with no one than ever with you!"
"Admit you lied about sleeping with him,' Diana fired back at her, holding the lasso in her firm grip. While Lashina couldn't get loose from the lasso, that didn't mean she couldn't fight back. From her free hand, a whip flashed out at Diana. She managed to block it, but her grip on the lasso slipped. Lashina took the opportunity to pull it from her grasp. They stood facing each other across the living room. Lashina held up her arm, the lasso still around her arm.
"If you think I'm lying, ask him yourself, Princess," Lashina hissed. She took off the lasso and flung it at Diana. "I promised him not to fight, but you and I have date when this is all over, Princess!"
"Yes, we do and I promise it will be a date you long remember, Lashina!"
The sound of the doorbell caught them both off guard.
"Were you expecting someone,' Lashina asked.
"No,' Diana admitted.
The Gotham Heights Mall
What had seemed like a fairly simple task, Clark was realizing was anything but. So far he'd only purchased a couple of Aeropostale hoodies from Old Navy. He now stood with the shopping bags in his hand in front of Victoria Secret. He had a moment of clarity. A man with a woman in this store looks like a dutiful husband or boyfriend. A man alone in this store looks like Johnny Pervert foraging through the panties.
He was learning a lesson all men receive sooner or later. Shopping for a woman was a dizzying minefield of potential mistakes. Men are ill equipped for the task from the start. For a man, shopping involves three numbers, neck size, waist size and shoe size. Everything else is small, medium and large, occasionally, extra large. The men's section of a store has two main areas, men and boys. The women's section has subdivisions: Miss sizes, Miss Petite, Junior, Junior Petite, Young Junior, Women, Half and Plus sizes. This doesn't even get into Vanity sizing, or how different brands have their own sizes that run different from others.
After two initial forays into the world of women's clothes, Clark knew he needed help. His first attempt had been at Lane Bryant. He remembered hearing somewhere, it was for the plus size gal. He assumed like most men, it was the equivalent of a Big and Tall store. Following this logic, he reasoned Lashina was a much taller than average woman, so this was the place to go. It took a few moments, but as he looked at the other customers in the store he realized he might have made a mistake.
His second attempt was at Nordstroms. Here he was introduced to the concept of size zero. In men's sizes, zero is an impossibility. Woman apparently didn't have this same handicap. The clerk, a size zero herself, was trying to be helpful, but Clark got lost in the sizes and numbers. He ended up thanking her and saying he'd come back with his wife.
A wise man knows when he is in over his head and needs help. So as Clark turned away from Victoria's Secret, he tried to think of whom to call. His first instinct was Kara. He ruled her out, as he imagined how that would look. She was too old to be his daughter. So again he would look like pervy older guy with hot young teenage girlfriend. Plus, he knew her well enough to know she would take ever opportunity to embarrass him.
He thought of calling Martha Kent, but a shiver went up his spine at the image of her holding up a bra and asking him if he thought it would fit Lashina. Hours of therapy lay down that road. He thought of the other women in the League, but he really wasn't that close with any of them. He was becoming better friends with Zatanna lately, but that seemed a little over the line for a developing friendship. What he needed was someone who was detached from the situation. As he scanned the numbers in his phone, he stopped on just the right one. He quickly dialed the number.
"Hello? Yes, Karen Starr, please. Yes, tell her it is Clark Kent. Thank you."
Gotham Heights
LuAnn, Dottie and Jenny were relaxing in LuAnn's living room. Mazzy Star was playing on the stereo. They were a little bit high. Jenny was standing in front of the mirror, touching her face. Dottie was trying to get the bowl lit, but her lighter wasn't cooperating.
"I'm at my peak,' Jenny suddenly said.
"What,' LuAnn asked. She was lounging on the sofa and rolled her head to the side and looked at Jenny.
"I'm at my peak,' Jenny repeated.
"Peak what,' Dottie asked.
"My peak of physical beauty. You know how in high school there is always that one girl that develops before everyone else?"
"Yeah, that was me,' LuAnn proudly said.
"She doesn't know it at the time, but that's the best she's ever going to look,' Jenny continued, not acknowledging LuAnn. "That girl when you go back for a reunion seems a little faded, like she's already past her prime, you know."
"On second thought, I wasn't that girl,' LuAnn replied.
"Everyone hits their peak, their prime at different times,' Jenny continued, still looking at her face in the mirror. "I remember the captain of our football team in high school. God, he was so handsome. I hadn't seen him since high school and then ran into him a couple of weeks ago. He's a cop, fat and balding, it was such a downer."
LuAnn slowly got up and walked towards the window as she listened to Jenny. Dottie set the bowl down and just stared at Jenny.
"It's like when you look through a photo album of pictures of your mother or grandmother. There's always one that stands out. A smile comes to her face as she looks at it, cause she's remembering what it was like to be at her peak. I find myself walking through stores lately, looking at people, trying to figure are they still on their way towards their peak or on the way down from it. Sometimes it's easy to tell. The person's peak was so long ago they've just given up, you know? They're those married couples you see that sort of dress alike and you can't imagine they were ever sexual beings. I call them neutrals. They're all around us."
Jenny finally turned from the mirror and looked at the other two.
"I'm at my peak, right now and I don't know what to do,' she said.
"Oh-My-God, you just blew my mind, literally blew my mind,' Dottie remarked.
"Hey, there's someone new going to the Kent's house,' LuAnn said. "Yum, now that's what I call a man!"
The others two were standing next to her in moments. They looked out and saw a huge, muscular man, with fiery red hair and beard walking with a purpose up the front walk. He was carrying two large barrels with him.
"Do you think he's a delivery man,' Dottie asked.
The man sat the barrels down and rang the bell. When the door opened, he immediately stepped inside. The three women waited, but he didn't come back out.
"No, I don't think he's a delivery man,' Jenny finally said.
"You know, as good neighbors, we should go over and welcome Clark and Diana's friends,' LuAnn suggested.
"You just want to meet him, don't you,' Dottie said with a smile.
"Don't you,' LuAnn replied.
"Good point, but let's finish this bowl first."
They all agreed to this.
Gotham Heights – Across the street
Diana's mind was still on Lashina and her revelations, as she opened the front door.
"Diana!"
Her eyes went wide in shock.
"Thor?"
In the next moment he swept her up in his arms and kissed her. She was so shocked and surprised she didn't know what to do. Lashina watched all of this in surprise as well. When she finally managed to break his kiss, Diana struggled against him.
"Put me down, now!"
He set her down and stood there smiling at her.
'Wh-What are you doing here?"
"I saw that you are letting others in on your bet, so I decided to join you,' he said in a booming voice.
"Oh, this is rich,' Lashina said with a smirk.
"Ah, the She-Devil from Apokolips,' Thor said to her. "One of the supposed New Gods."
"People were tired of the old ones,' Lashina offered.
"Thor, what-what are you talking about,' Diana managed to say, still very confused. "What do you mean you want to join?"
He took her hand in his and grew solemn.
"Diana, I realized that you are special,' he began. "If mortal men don't see this, than it is the responsibility of a compassionate God to acknowledge this. I'm here for you, Princess, if you'll have me."
"Wh-What?"
"What," Lashina repeated, almost as surprised as Diana.
Before they could say anything, a voice spoke up from the doorway.
"Knock, knock, hello, anyone home,' LuAnn pleasantly said. "Oh, Diana, you have company."
LuAnn, Dottie and Jenny stood in the doorway looking at Thor. They were all smiling in admiration. Jenny happened to glance over and saw Lashina for the first time.
"Oh, there's someone else visiting, ''she said. The other women managed to pull their eyes away from Thor and look at Lashina.
"Are you going to introduce us to your friends, Diana,' LuAnn asked. Diana was speechless, so confused and bewildered at everything that was happening. It was Lashina that spoke up first.
"I'm Clark's first wife, Lashina," she said with a big smile.
"What,' the three women said.
"What?" Thor added, turning to look at her.
"What?" Diana finally exclaimed, as the words registered in her brain. She glared at Lashina, but the other woman just smiled more.
"And who are you,' Dottie managed to ask Thor.
He glanced at Diana and then at Lashina, before turning and smiling at the three neighbors.
"I'm Diana's first husband!"
"What?" Diana exclaimed again, not believing her ears.
Outside the house
Clark parked his car in the driveway and opened the trunk. He unloaded the shopping bags and headed up the front walk. Karen had been amazing, dropping everything and coming to his rescue. While they weren't probably really family, she had stepped up like family and helped him. All in all, it hadn't been that bad of an experience. Compared to everything else that had been going on, it had been a calm, reasonable day.
He put his key in the front door and juggled the bags. Opening the door, he stepped inside and was greeted by a room full of people.
"Clark!"
It was Thor's voice that came booming across the room first.
"Oh, no, not this jackass,' Clark dropped the shopping bags and muttered under his breath. In the next moment, Thor embraced him, lifting him off the ground in a bear hug.
"Hey, Thor, what, um, ah, a surprise,' Clark managed to say. He tired to sound happy, but didn't quite pull it off. When Thor finally put him down, Clark looked to Diana. She looked even more confused than he was.
"That's so nice that you get along with Diana's first husband, Clark,' Dottie said.
"Her what,' Clark asked.
"Yes," LuAnn added. "You seem much closer than Diana and your first wife do."
"My what?"
He looked at Diana again, desperate for some explanation, but she seemed totally at a lose for words. He happened to glance at Lashina and saw she was smiling. He suddenly had a bad feeling about the words, first wife. He glanced at the front door and wonder if he could just walk out and this would all be a bad dream. Maybe he could go back to the mall and ask Karen out. At least dating her would be drama free. Sure, people would probably freak a bit thinking they were related, but once they straightened that out, what was the worst that could happen?