I own nothing. All character/storylines belong to Shonda. I'm simply 'borrowing' them.
ELIZA'S POV
Oh god. What the hell have I done? My heart is pounding in my ears right now and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know where to go, what to do, or even if I should still be in this house. Why Arizona didn't just kick my ass out the door I'll never know, but she hasn't, and I can't help but feel that I should just leave of my own accord.
Honestly, I don't know why I felt that intense amount of hurt and jealousy that I did earlier. I know Arizona would never do anything like that, so why did I act that way? I hate myself right now. I hate myself for ever even thinking what I thought. Am I feeling a little insecure? Yes. Does that give me the right to do and say what I did? No. Never. My head is hurting, my heart is hurting, and honestly, I'm surprised my face ain't hurting from a slap I totally would have deserved.
I desperately want to go up to her, but I don't know what to say. I'm totally in the wrong and I know I don't deserve to even get a word from her right now. I'm not sure I'll ever deserve a conversation with her again. I've messed this up totally, and the sense of loss I feel right know is immense. Even though I'm still here, I can feel the loss.
Quietly making my way up the stairs, I think about heading into the bedroom and speaking to Arizona. Stopping myself, I take a seat on the floor outside the door and think hard about what I've just done.
I don't even know why I threw that accusation around. I don't have anything to back my claim up, and I know that. I know she would never do anything to hurt me, but I've somehow managed to reverse the roles and hurt her so much that my own heart is breaking for her. So much that I want to punch myself right now.
How did I feel when I walked into that on-call room to find her embracing another woman? I felt hurt. I felt jealousy more than I felt hurt, though. I shouldn't have reacted in that way. I shouldn't have even assumed anything. I know that my own issues are my own problem, but I dragged my girlfriend into them and look at what I've done. Maybe this is why nobody ever stays with me. Maybe this is why they use my job as an excuse, when in reality… they sense my insecurities and run. I can't blame any of them, really. If this is the reaction I have to Arizona being around another woman, what hope do we have?
Sure, my jealousy and anger multiplied when I realized who she was in that room with, but that still doesn't give me the right to act how I did. I should have just spoken to her. I should have brought it up at home. Not how I did, and not accusing her. How could I ever accuse her of that? I should have known better. I should have known not to say those things. I know she worries about her past, and I'm the one who reassured her that everything was okay, and would be okay. I'm the one who told her that her past didn't matter. And it doesn't. It really doesn't. She won't see it that way now, though. This is forever going to hang over our heads…our relationship. If there is even a relationship left here.
I have to fix this. I have to work through this. The longer I leave it, the worse it will become. The worse it becomes, the less likely we are to get back to that good place. I have to get back to that good place.
Standing, I place my hand on the door and gently push it open. My head lifting slightly, I find Arizona lay on her back, the cover pulled up to her chest, with tear stained puffy eyes. This is all my fault. "Arizona?" My voice soft, even I feel pathetic.
"Go away, Eliza."
"I'm sorry." I croak out. "Please, can we talk."
"I don't want to talk to you right now." She sighs before turning her back to me and facing the window.
"Arizona." My own voice breaking, I lean back against the door frame and pray for some sort of miracle. "I need to talk to you."
"Please, leave me alone." She sighs.
She doesn't want me around. Wrapping my arms around myself, I feel a deep ache settle in my body. I have never felt so awful about anything. I have never felt such a deep regret for any of my words before. My chest tightening, I feel as though I can't breathe properly. Like, I'm about to have an anxiety attack. Backing out of the room, I glance up once more. "I'm sorry."
The door shutting, I head downstairs and grab my coat. I shouldn't be here right now. Arizona is hurting, and I'm the cause of that hurt. I don't deserve to breathe the same air as her right now, so I'll leave. I'll head to the hospital and I'll think over things. More than anything, I'll allow Arizona to think things over. Honestly, I'd totally understand if she never wanted to see me again.
ARIZONA'S POV
7 am and I've had around one hours sleep all night. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't close my eyes. I think at one point I'd cried so hard I simply couldn't keep them open any longer, but before I knew it, I found myself laying awake again. I'm struggling to comprehend what has happened, and right now, I don't want to see Eliza. Moving into the kitchen, I have thirty minutes before I have to be at work. I'm hoping my kids will keep my mind off of things, but I'm not hopeful. Thankfully, I'm more than used to functioning on very little sleep. Maybe I'll grab an hour at some point when complete exhaustion sets in. I'm going to need it if I've any hope of finishing at the hospital today. Maybe I'll settle for a nap on the couch in my office. I wouldn't want to be seen hanging around any on calls room in case I'm accused of sleeping with the entire hospital staff.
Pouring my coffee into my travel cup, I grab my cell from the counter and hit the home button. As my screen lights up, I find a message.
I'm sorry. I love you. E x
Yeah, right. You don't accuse someone of cheating if you love them. I don't care what my past is, I'm deeply hurt by what was said last night. Sure, people may have a hard time trusting me, but I'm a good person who made a terrible mistake. One that is clearly going to follow me around for the rest of my life.
Leaving my house, I find that Eliza's car is gone. That's fine. If she doesn't want to be here, I get it. In all honesty, I don't want to be around her right now anyway. She clearly has issues with who I've dated in the past, and what I've done in the past, so her not wanting to be with her cheating girlfriend is probably for the best.
Sliding into my seat, I throw my crap down on the passenger side and fire up the engine. Backing out of my drive, I turn the wheel and head off in the direction of Grey Sloan. What awaits me, I do not know.
It's a miserable day, and right now…that only adds to my miserable mood. I'm generally a happy person, but today I fear I may lash out at more than one person. I hope it doesn't come to that, but people usually sense when I'm having a bad day and steer clear of me.
Ten minutes later I arrive at the parking lot. The parking lot where we shared our first kiss. The parking lot where we arrived and left together most days. The parking lot where it all began. The sadness that settles within me is enough to make me want to turn around and head straight back home, but I don't. My patients need me, and my staff needs me.
I won't apologize for being in that on-call room with Tia. No way. I've done nothing wrong. I'd do it again if I had to. Eliza only freaked out because the damn nurses can't keep their nose's out of other people's business. If she had no knowledge of my past relations, she would never have freaked like she did. I know she wouldn't. Maybe she's jealous, I don't know. What I do know, though, is that I'm not about to fall into a new relationship if she can't trust me. I'd sooner she just came right out and said it. I really would.
Stepping out of my car, I grab my purse and head for the entrance of Grey Sloan. The place where all of my troubles seem to begin. Maybe I should have left a long time ago. Heading straight for the elevator, I hit the call button and step inside. It's going to be a long day, I can sense it. The best thing for today would be to lock myself away and finish off my paperwork. The fewer people I'm around, the better.
Stepping off the elevator, I round the corner and find a few nurses at their station. "Dr. Robbins, good morning."
"Good morning." I give them my best fake smile.
"Nurse Tia called. She's taking a few days to visit her family."
"No problem." I nod. Heading off to my office, I rub my temples before rummaging through my purse for my keys. Stopping at the door, that scent that often stops my heart hits me square in the face.
Glancing up, I find Eliza leaning against my office door. "Excuse me, please." My voice calm, I glance back down at the keys in my hand and wait for some sort of movement. Nothing. "Dr. Minnick, please move out of the way."
"No." She shakes her head. "I need to speak to you, Arizona."
"I have a lot to be getting on with, and I really don't want to talk right now," I state. Reaching my arm around her body, I slip the key into the lock and turn the handle. Eliza falls back into my office a little, but I'm giving her nothing. Stepping around her, I move inside and place my purse down. "If you could leave, that would be awesome."
"I'm not leaving." She sighs.
"Look, I need to change, and this really isn't the place to talk." I grab my lab coat and fresh scrubs.
"So change." She shrugs. "I'll talk while you do it."
"Um, I'd rather not if it's all the same." I glance up at her but she doesn't budge. "Look, I don't know what you want from me, Eliza."
"I want you to listen while I try my damned hardest to fix this mess I've created. I want you to just hear me out. Please?"
"I think you've said all there is to say." I give her a sad smile. "I get it. I'm a whore who will screw anything with a pulse. You can't deal with my past, and that's okay. I love you, but I understand that you can't do this."
"That's not true." She moves closer to me.
"Don't." I hold up my hand. "Please don't."
"Arizona, please. This is killing me." Her voice breaks but it doesn't shift me in the slightest.
"You should have thought about that before you accused me of sleeping with someone else. You should have thought about that before you walked into our home last night, and made me feel the way you did. You should have thought…but you didn't." My gaze dropping, I close my eyes to hold back the tears I know are about to fall. "You had hours last night to think about what you had seen before you came home. You had the opportunity to give me the benefit of the doubt, but you didn't. Instead, you chose to come home, call me a slut in your own little way, and then expected me to be okay when you realized what you had done. It doesn't work that way, so please…get the hell out of my office so I can get on with my work, and my life."
"W-With your life?" She stutters.
"Yeah." I nod. "I think we're done here, don't you?"
"No." She closes the distance between us. "No way are we done."
"What planet are you on, Eliza? Seriously?"
"One where you and I exist as a couple. That's what planet I'm on." She cries.
"Wow, well I'm not. I'm sorry, but you can't expect this to be okay. You can't expect me to just roll over after what you said. I know I've messed up in my past, I know that. But you told me you understood. You told me you didn't care about my past. When in reality, you've just been waiting, haven't you? Waiting for the day when I fucked someone else or the opportunity to accuse me of such, at least."
"No, please don't say that." She reaches out her hand to me but I take a step back. "Arizona, please don't do this."
"I'm not doing anything." I scoff. "You did this, Eliza. You did this all by yourself."
"If I have to spend the rest of my life making this up to you, I will. But I'm not just walking away. I swear to God I'm not."
"I need time to think." I sigh. "Time without you around me. I just, you really fucking hurt me last night." My own emotions making a sudden appearance, I walk away and move towards the window. "Please, just leave me to sort through this mess in my head."
"I want to talk tonight, please?" She asks, a little hope in her voice.
"I'll see what I can do." I give her a nod, my back to her.
"I love you, Arizona."
Well, you have a funny way of showing it.
Who wants another? Let me hear you...