Blog Six: So That City Went Well

Hello once again my fabulous winners. You would think I'd be in a happy mood at the moment – Bill the Science Guy just gave me a lovely new weapon, Darwin evolved into a Primeape and Frances helped secure me my second gym battle. I'll give a single 'Woo-hoo', as the kids say, in celebration, but unfortunately, the low points of Cerulean City were a bit of an overshadow.

Let's start off with seeing some old friends of mine. I am not sure if I mentioned this in a previous blog, but there was this weird disembodied voice around both Pewter and Cerulean Gyms. I had a feeling it was just yet another thing stalking me (but who could blame them – my jeans shape my legs nicely, fellas ;)) but I think it is just some security thing for the gyms, not that I got a chance to ask – I'll save for the next leader ("Wazzup bro! Before I try and defeat you and get a badge and free TM of ya, mind telling me what's up with the pervy voice at your front door?")

Anyway, the voice was a bit pryful into my life, but than told us where to find Misty on her date (so I began looking around all tree tops as we walked to see if she was K-I-S-S-I-N-Ging.) Sandy and I set off, with my comrade seeming particularly annoyed about Misty having a sexy break. After getting onto the Nugget Bridge, which sounds to me like there should be a chain of fast food restaurants on it, we saw my other good pals the reality stars…. Yeaaaaaaah…. *sarcasm*. They all looked well enough for a piece of soulless, heartless monsters, and though I wished to ignore them, Chloe instead wanted to battle me with, of all things, a Clefairy. I felt like throwing her into the lake beneath us, but than Frances kicked some ass and we were off on our way.

So we continued towards Cerulean Cape where Misty was meant to be, though we went through a forest that was dark and creepy and there's should probably have been an axe murderer or two lurking around in there, all because I saw a shadow. Remember that voice that appeared behind me at the Beedrill Nest? Well, I'm pretty sure whoever spoke was leading me towards the Cape, and I thought "What the hell, let's follow that guy." Probably not the brightest move, but I was hoping to find out who this guy was, and I did end up at the Cerulean Cape and near Misty, so that's a plus. I didn't catch a single lit view of this guy go, so there's another mystery man I haven't quite solved yet (Not in a rom-com way – If I was a movie, I'd hope it was an action movie where Sandy is really a hot guy who aides me in my dramatic quest and we eventually fall in love and have a dramatic kiss as Gideon blows himself and the reality stars up…. ah, dreams…)

So Misty got pretty pissed that we interrupted her date with her hot date (I wouldn't mind having an ol' splash in the pool with that fellow nudgenudgewinkwinksnigger) but agreed to battle me in an hour. With all that time to kill, you just know something is going to come and ruin my day, and that something turned out to be high pitched Mitchell Melton and Bill, the co-creator of the PC System and now resident sea watcher, blog reader and weapon maker.

I went back to his laboratory which was about as flash as 20 year old car with a layer of dirt on the widescreen that some kids have written "CLEAN ME" in (If I ever settle down, I expect one of you readers to come and shoot me – YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH!). Bill was old and grey like my a 20 year old car after the layer of dirt had been scraped off, but revealed that A) no one is doing much to stop Gideon, B) I'm being watched and having my blog read (Hey Bill – clean your house! It's like a 20 year old car in that place.) C) the whole fossil thing is bad news after all, and D) The 'Elites of Kanto' want to make sure I am protected. So Bill decided to give me a gun (clearly hasn't been reading my blog too thoroughly) that is meant to be a defensive weapon, but I am sure I can find a way to pimp this ride. As I was casually testing it, the expected happened: Mitchell switched our brains :D

I don't know how many of you have ever had your brains switched with a Pokemon, and if you have, contact me via making a support group (BrainWatchers anyone?), but it isn't an all too pleasant experience. It feels exactly like having your brain pulled out whilst having a series of anvils thrown violently onto your body by a violent and possibly drunk body builder. And after you've been through this pleasant pain, you find you're suddenly a Pokemon.

I love Paige with all my heart and she is my best and oldest friend, but never did I want to get shoved into her body. Having feathers and large flappy things to your sides isn't the most pleasant experience, and I really don't enjoy being back at my toddler aged height. What's more, the bloody power grid blew and Mitchell ran off having a man period because I didn't accept his fake apology – what a cruel person I am! So I had to go and apologize to HIM! He hasn't swapped places with that Rattata of his, but NOOOOO, I'm at blame!

I don't really want to relive my experiences as a Pokemon, nor what happened next, and really my battery is starting to die so let's move this loco along, shall we?

Moving as a Pidgeotto isn't pleasant. Mitchell pointed the stars out to us. Chloe was a bitch, so I bit her on the nose and than whacked a camera into Amanda's face. Chloe cried, Damian battled me, Amanda may be a malicious bitch, who knows, Darwin nearly killed Damian's Charmander and evolved after disobeying me, Amanda threatened me, I went to go all Twister on her ass and got turned back into the loveable adorable one and only Me. Chloe had a cried, I told her to shove it and punched her in the nose, she and Amanda fell in the lake. Such fun!

We went to Misty's and got mocked by the voice. She was pissed off, as I expected. I then took a ride on the world's most boring amusement park to battle her: PrimeDarwin was a little shit who ignored me but defeated Staryu, only to get drowned by Psyduck. Frances came in and was a bit scared at first but managed to kick some ducky butt as I expected, causing PsyTard to have a massive brain fart and blow the pool up, I was saved from drowning by Sandy's Bellsprout (BTW, Sandy caught a Bellsprout), caught Frances, Psyduck fainted, I won – WOOHOO! Than Bill and Mitchell arrived and it turns out something other than Bill turned me back to me, so that means yet ANOTHER MYSTERY!

PHEW! That was tiresome. Typing this fast must be as tiresome as masturbating for men. Oh no, I said something inappropriate, sue me! (I'd prefer if you didn't, my lawyer's on holiday alone, and he'll have a sore wrist as well! PAZOW!) My laptop seems close to dying and Sandy bloody well lost my cord, so let's just review the main points, shall we class?

I've got a mystery guy, a mystery blue lightning summoner and possibly a robotic voice following me, as well as a missing Gideon and the whole Kanto Elite people stalking. I don't even want to think about these things at the moment. If they surface again, I will deal with them, but I am not going to set out to fix things.

The Reality Show: same as above, but they can go rot in a hole full of sarcastic, hypercritical, flesh eating zombies for all I care. I will care about them once I defeat them, but I don't need to waste a second of my life on theirs.

Mitchell refuses to talk to me, but I have a feeling he is just trying to make me feel bad, but that prat can go suck a tree for all I care

I am very concerned about Darwin. If anyone has tips on a misbehaving Pokemon please let me know, as I have no idea how to get me to listen to me or to find out why he is beginning to act this way, but it is a bit of a fright

Asides from that, I am VEEEEEERY happy to have crossed off the second step in my path to league domination, very happy indeed :D Sandy and I are staying the night in Cerulean before heading down to either Saffron or Vermillion, whichever one tickles my fancy (Not in THAT way ya perve!) And hopefully, things will go without a hitch… though my hopes are about as high as Chloe's IQ…

So long and thanks for all the wishes!,

Alaska