All, thank you for continuing to read and provide feedback on this story. It is very much appreciated. The song featured in this chapter can be found here if you're interested. Remember to add the "." between itunes, apple, com, since fanfiction doesn't allow the direct posting of links.

Peggy Lee's version

itunes apple com/ie/album/ive-got-a-crush-on-you/id5954651034

Sinatra's version

www youtube com/watch?v=MwVZZbIualY&feature=fvwrel

34 – The World Will Pardon My Mush…

Snape didn't feel like collecting doppelganger root for Voldemort's stash, nor did he want to tell Lily the news about the Yule Ball—he just wanted to see her and be with her. He wanted to kiss her head on his shoulder, and breathe in the scent of her hair, a fresh mint. When he reached the infirmary and looked in, however, the longing he'd had for her (ever since Voldemort tattooed his Dark Mark), vanished the moment he saw them together.

Lily and James were laughing. And it was a rather violently passionate laugh at that, the kind that happens only after you share closeness with a person. James was looking down at his bed, face red, tears running down his cheeks. Lily wasn't crying, but her head was tilted back, and her face was shaking; the noise coming out was something between a laugh and a gasp for air. Snape had never made her laugh that hard. Not even his jokes about Henrietta Harrison's latest bestseller, Throwing A Log on the Fire of Love, had made her laugh like this.

He took a step towards the room and then stopped. He quickly turned around and darted in the other direction. "It's nothing," he told himself. He also told himself that the empty feeling devouring his body was also nothing. Except it wasn't. It was everything. It felt like the only thing in the world, and now the earth, moon, sun, and stars were revolving around him and this dark void. "Stop it," he said aloud.

After this brief visit to the infirmary, doppelganger root collecting didn't seem like such a bad idea after all. It would at least take his mind off his new state of being, so he started on the task in earnest, even began welcoming the trips to and from Willow Grove and the Lost City, where he was amassing quite the volume of the root. The stash was getting so large that Voldemort raised an eyebrow and told him, "This is... acceptable."

When Snape couldn't bear one more trip, he stopped back to the infirmary, and again, Lily and James didn't even notice that he was there. This time, they weren't experiencing laughing seizures, but they seemed to be engrossed in a heart-to-heart discussion. James's hand was inches from Lily's. In slow motion, it moved closer and closer to her hand, his pinkie finger finally brushing up against hers, soft enough that it wasn't intimidating but firm enough that she could likely feel his touch. Lily smiled a little. It might as well have been a dagger to Snape's heart. How was it possible that something so small could make him feel so utterly alone? And that's when he heard the sweet voice coming from the infirmary room….

The world will pardon my mush

Because I've got a crush, my baby, on you…

It wasn't Sinatra (though his version of, "I've Got a Crush on You," was one of the best). It was Peggy Lee, and she had a Sunday-afternoon-stroll-in-the-park quality about her voice that summoned some of Snape's happiest memories, nearly all of them with Lily.

He'd listened to this song with her over and over in his Slytherin room, feeling the words come to life as if the singer had written it just for them. And now, it was being shared with him. With James.

He summoned the courage and walked into the room. Lily's hand moved to the side almost instantaneously, and Snape felt another emotional dagger—so she had been keenly aware of James's pinky brushing up against hers. "Rubbish," he said under his breath.

"Severus! Hello!" Lily tried to sound cheerful, but her expression showed otherwise.

"I hope I'm not…. Interrupting anything," said Snape. He was having flashbacks of the way he'd felt when he saw her snogging her boyfriend on the Ferris wheel at the Spinner's End Carnival, except this pain cut more deeply. So much had happened between them since that first night he'd laid eyes on her.

She shifted uncomfortably in her bed. "Well, James was just telling me about some of his challenges from—"

"Problems with your broom perhaps, James?" asked Snape. "For Quidditch of course, or were we talking about—"

"We were talking about something else entirely," said Lily, blushing slightly.

She didn't offer any additional information, and a quietness hung in the room like a dark storm cloud readying to unleash. Peggy Lee continued to sing about having a crush, but even her voice couldn't drown the intense silence between them all. Harry shifted from one foot to the other as seconds and seconds passed. "Someone say something!" he wanted to shout. This was even unbearable for him to watch in the pensieve.

"I see," said Snape. "Well, I'm glad you're able to share a song in here. I didn't realize the infirmary had a record player."

"Obviously they do," said Lily. "Madame Pomfrey suggested it."

It made him feel a little better that someone else had suggested the music, except the sting was still there. "I didn't realize you were well enough to get the record from your room. The one I lent you after we listened—"

"Sev, we had Sirius get it for us. We've been stuck in here for awhile. A little music's been nice." Lily moved her hand back closer to James's. "Where have you been? Didn't you want to check on me—us?"

"Of course. I stopped by earlier but you were distracted. It must have been a wonderful joke."

Lily's face reddened. "Maybe you would have laughed too if you actually stepped into the room and said hello."

"Maybe I should try to leave." James spoke for the first time, since Snape had entered. "I should give you some privacy."

Snape had temporarily forgotten about the Quidditch hero and for once, agreed entirely with what he was saying.

Lily patted James's hand. "No, you stay right where you are. Nothing is stopping Severus from visiting me. He knows why I'm upset. And you"—she turned back to Snape—"never answered where you've been."

"Er—I've been working."

"On what?"

"My Christmas ornament for the challenge tomorrow. I'm putting on the finishing touches." He shifted uncomfortably, knowing the lie had come out without a second thought.

This answer seemed to satisfy, or at least placate, Lily. "Well, James and I both need to work on ours as soon as Madame Pomfrey says it okay. And I hope you're not forgetting the other event that day." Lily's expression softened more. "Have you?"

Snape sighed. He was mystified by how quickly Lily could go from being frustrated with him to being, basically, normal again.

"Severus!" she said in a playful voice. "The Yule Ball! You better have your best dress robes ready. And can you believe that James doesn't have a date yet? We have to get him one."

Snape didn't say anything. HIs mind had wondered far off. How was he going to tell her that he couldn't go to the ball? That he was spending his time stockpiling doppelganger root and preparing for Voldemort's master plan? That he was willing to do the Dark Tourist because it would bring the greater good?

"Hel-lo?"

"Sorry," said Snape. "What were you saying?"

"You heard me," smiled Lily. "Come on, you two. You can both get along. And we'll find someone nice for you James, I was thinking that girl from…"

Snape didn't hear the rest of what Lily was saying, and for the third time while visiting the infirmary, he'd felt a dagger, this one being the worst, knowing that he had to do something that would hurt his love. Would it be something they could recover from? The dagger was twisting and turning. It was unbearable. How could he back out on her at the last moment?

He looked out the window of the infirmary and was surprised to see Dumbledore standing on the Hogwarts grounds, apparently talking to the wind. Upon closer look, Snape could see that someone was indeed standing with Dumbledore, except she was partially invisible, perhaps even slightly blurred, with a light amber tint, yet still very much there . "How is that possible?" he whispered. He could see the outline of a girl, shoulder-length hair, glasses… "Who is that?" he asked louder.

All of them looked out of the window together. It was James who answered. "That must be Miss Rouge Arrow. Slughorn told us she's the replacement judge for the contest. Riddle had to cancel."

"But why is she blurry like that?"

"Slughorn says it's a new charm she developed to shield her identity. She's doing some undercover work with the aurors."

Snape frowned. "What kind of work?"

James shook his head. "He wouldn't say."

Snape looked at the outline of Miss Rouge Arrow walking next to Dumbledore, her amber hue gliding beside him in the wind. The Yule Ball was already fading to the back of his mind again—if Rouge Arrow was working with aurors, she could be an immediate threat to him casting the Dark Tourist during the Christmas Challenge.

He turned to Lily. "I'm sorry, I need to get back. But I'll stop back to visit later today."

"Sev, why do you need to leave?"

"I forgot something for V—er—my ornament. Don't worry, I'll be back."

Lily sighed. "Okay, I'll see you later on."

Snape left the infirmary. He was still within earshot when he heard James say, "Lily, thanks for offering to find me a date, but there's only one girl I wanted to take…"