Chapter 36 (Continued from last chapter...)

Rhett's fingers slowly began to trace the line from her neck to the small of her back. They slid further below and Scarlett flushed at the pleasant sensation of his warm palms against the bare skin of her curving bottom. He caressed her so gently and so firmly that a sudden rush of feeling tore through Scarlett's nerves. She clutched at Rhett's wide, muscular shoulders and twisted as if she could shrink into further into his enveloping frame. Immediately she felt the reassuring pressure of his hand on the small of her back. "Do you like that?" he asked, his breath hot in her ear.

"Yes" replied Scarlett, her voice muffled from within the folds of Rhett's gown. He kissed her cheek and pressed his hands into the back of her knees so that her legs folded and her bottom slipped further into the cup of his palms. He began to caress her again.

"When you wanted separate bedrooms - When you didn't want my children, I felt very hurt, Scarlett. I pretended not to show it but-"

"Oh, I was a fool to have done it. I despised myself at once for having suggested such an idea for I really enjoyed our long, amusing conversations in bed and the comfort of your arms whenever I woke up terrified from my nightmares-"

"But you went bounced right back from your fears that I wondered if you were frightened at all!"

"Rhett, do listen-" said Scarlett, leaning back and looking into his eyes. "I.. I've never thought it much attractive to live a woman's life. I was smarter than most boys my age and I couldn't understand why I had to act all coy and demure just to attract a husband. And after years of learning to dance and dreaming of attending parties and coquetry with beaus, a girl really enjoys displaying everything she's learnt for only a period as short as a year! After that, she must dress is dove-grays and blacks, sit out dances unless it is with her own husband, belong in the matrons circle and have babies every year. I.. I hated the very idea of being a woman. I called Charles a sissy and Frank, an old maid in britches- The only man I couldn't break was you and I tried to hard to compete with you- To not appear weak-"

"I knew that" replied Rhett, softly. "It doesn't bother me if you fight against all the men in the world. I would feel only pride because that is what I have always felt. I've enjoyed it, actually. But I also know that even you, Scarlett O Hara would need someone to care for you once in a while. You had the potential for putting yourself in the oddest scrapes and since I was as much a rascal as you, I could pull you through."

"Getting Belle to hide our men in her sporting house-" admitted Scarlett, reminiscently. "No one else could have pulled it off but you. And what if the men had stood on trial and been hanged? Oh, the entire town would have thrown me out."

"No they wouldn't" said Rhett immediately. "But you would have muddled your head with guilt and fear. You would have gulped down more brandy and wondered why you couldn't be the good girl you always intended to be- And deep down, it would have hurt, although you would be too proud and frightened to admit it."

"Rhett, did you really know all that about me.. I mean, did you really know all this before?"

"Well, not at first. At first I thought you were the most interesting person, I'd ever met. You were no lady then-" Rhett chuckled, softly. "You satisfied all my guesses of a woman's hidden steel of strength and her calculating tactfulness in dealing with men. You were wonderfully transparent because you were just like me. But then I caught you, genuinely frightened and confused and frankly, you had the silliest fabrication of ideas. Even sillier than the most simple-headed woman. That's when I realized that you were very much a child still. A strong-willed, brave, frightened child. And I wanted to protect you."

Rhett bent down and took her lips in his. He kissed her once, very gently, very briefly and placed his mouth near her ear as if to whisper a secret. "But you know, Scarlett. I think you would make a wonderful woman." The affectionate emphasis in his tone sent Scarlett's pulse racing. "A beautiful lady." He cupped his hand along the side of her face and kissed her again. His fingernails grazed her straining neck. "I don't know why you desire to hide that part of yourself from me."

Scarlett's eyes focused hazily on the small, cozy glow of light from the candelabra behind Rhett. She thought how lovely the light glimmered just then and how warm the room seemed to be. Her senses felt lulled, swamped by an barrage of pleasant emotions and she fidgeted impatiently in Rhett's strong arms. She wanted him to kiss her long and hard. She wanted to feel his hands all over her, pulling her into the soft, swirling darkness. A anticipatory tingle ran through her spine at the thought and Scarlett bit her lips automatically so that they would turn redder and more desirable. Her fingernails dug urgently into his arm.

"Don't you realize-" continued Rhett."-that as long as you bully people around and play the traits of a man, you are pushing me to my feminine side?"

"When have I ever done that to you?" asked Scarlett, in genuine puzzlement.

Rhett laughed outright at the astonishment on her face. "Well, darling- you were riding out to your mills and store everyday, coming home completely preoccupied with the expenses and business engagements, drinking brandy and playing whist with white trash- and whenever I was home, I nurtured your children, I went around making friends with the old ladies of our Southern society so that Bonnie could have a secure social life, I cured her thumb-sucking, I held her hand at night and listened to her fears-"

Scarlett's face fell and she opened her mouth to defend herself but Rhett interrupted her with an air of finality, "We shall leave that thought as it is, for now." He gathered her in his arms and laid her upon his bed. He sat down beside her and raised her hand to his lips. His other hand began to stroke the soft underside of her arm. Scarlett squirmed deeper into the pillows and Rhett leaned into her, forcing her eyes to meet his dark ones. "But I think you must agree that just as being constantly strong is a strain on your nerves, being constantly weak is a strain on mine. I don't mind nurturing and caring for a little while but it is practically impossible for me to do it all the time." His eyes narrowed instantly. "You do agree, don't you? Nod your head!" Scarlett nodded once, disliking the sudden change of tone in his voice. Rhett turned her palm upwards and kissed it softly. "Now don't pout, Scarlett. I haven't made any unfair demands-"

"I am not pouting." retorted Scarlett, annoyed that he could read her thoughts so plainly. But she couldn't resist quipping, "Well, next you'll be congratulating yourself that it only takes proper handling to turn me into a clinging vine!"

"You still remember that?" chuckled Rhett softly. "I was only teasing you, Scarlett. When are you ever going to learn to laugh at yourself?" He placed another kiss on the hollow of her hand and a flow of vitality seemed to surge from his warm mouth to her body. Despite herself, she wished that he would take her up in his arms and kiss her. "And as for proper handling, I never did a thing. It was you who came to me for solving your troubles at Tara. Asking me honestly and sincerely for help without your usual artful manipulations."

"Oh!" Scarlett relaxed at once into her most engaging smile. Her eyes sparkled invitingly at him.

"That's better." whispered Rhett. His lips travelled to her wrist and he rubbed gently on her delicate skin. He felt her muscles tense up and asked, "You do appreciate your womanly qualities, don't you?"

"What are they?" managed Scarlett, struggling to keep herself composed. She wriggled her trembling wrist from under Rhett's lips and tucked her arms above her head to keep them safely away. But the moment she did so, she wanted to bring them back down again, for Rhett's eyes were immediately drawn to her arching breasts. "I believe they have grown fuller than moments ago-" he remarked, with an unmistakable glint in his eyes.

"Don't be vulgar" cried Scarlett, blushing hard and lowering her arms. But Rhett laughed and held them back. "Now don't swell up like a gobbler, Scarlett. I apologize for my lascivious speculation. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps your lovely breasts are always so full and enticing. They've been concealed away from me for so long that I have stupidly forgotten their shapely beauty." Scarlett wished hard that Rhett's gaze didn't rest so heavily on her reddening face or that his voice didn't carry that oddly pleasant resonance, for his words, as coarse and boorish as they were, were stirring strange excitement in her. She chanced an awkward glimpse at her bosom and fervently wished it wouldn't heave so visibly. Rhett noticed her glance and continued in a suggestive tone. "On second thoughts, perhaps if I caressed them just right, there is a fair chance that they might enlarge even more, don't you think?". He bent his face lower and placed a warm, lingering kiss on the pit of her stomach. "Come, come darling- Don't take such nervous breaths. I knew long back that you were just as sensual as me-"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you love to sense things, intricately, fully, forcefully.. I do too. Your passion for eating rich foods, doused in champagne and sweet sauces, to dress in velvets, silks and feathers, to dance to the liveliest reels and sing the merriest tunes. A regular little rebel to Southern womanhood of demure grace and patient endurance. But the difference between you and me is I take time to enjoy my senses. I don't shove food down my throat or gambol about like a frenzied kitten from one plaything to another. I know that if I fly about like that I can never gratify my senses."

Rhett laid a brown finger on her face and tantalizingly traced the curving outline of her lips. "I prefer to relish things slowly-"

"Is that what you did- at Belle's house- those seven course banquets and fine music- Is that why everyone was so outraged? Because it was all so sensual?"

"Perhaps. Yes, It was a very sensually gratifying place - good food, good wine, good music, perfumes and velvets-"

"That must be why Mrs. Meade was whispering so excitedly about the three-layered chandeliers and the full length gilt mirrors-" mumbled Scarlett, thoughtfully. "I never wondered about things like that. I just assumed that Belle's house was a dirty place and I shouldn't know anything about since I was a lady-"

"Life there is no different from the two weeks that you and I spent in New Orleans, indulging in every sensual desire." He brushed across her mouth, his lips barely grazing hers, his moustache tickling her skin.

"Is that wrong?" wondered Scarlett, suddenly noticing how attractive his dark eyes were.

"Why don't you tell me?" Rhett's lips were upon hers again, gently nibbling and teasing with every kiss. Now he was parting her lips. Scarlett closed her eyes and felt him leisurely exploring her mouth as if time had slowed down for him and every second lasted for as long as a minute. His hands went around her plump, healthy arms and he half-lifted her from the bed. Scarlett arched and curved under the eruption of a thousand tingling sensations. She could feel his fingers combing away her mass of thick, black hair and coaxing the back of her neck.

With a quick shudder, Scarlett tried to draw back, overwhelmed by the dizzying spell. Rhett had never made love like this before and she had never felt as alive as this before. It felt wonderful and frightening at the same time. Scarlett feebly pushed her arms against Rhett's chest but instead of releasing her, he hugged her tightly to himself.

"It is frightening, isn't it?" whispered Rhett in her ears. He was breathing heavily. "To lose yourself to someone who completely loves every inch of you. It's frightening to think that one could feel so entirely safe and happy, isn't it? That's why I said you needed kissing badly, Scarlett. It might reduce some of that unnecessary self-importance that you attach to yourself-"

Something in his words challenged Scarlett's spirit. When he tried to peck at her lips again, she angrily drew back and accused, "You are equally contemptuous of the feelings of others, just as I am-"

"Wrong, my dear." corrected Rhett, suavely. "I hold contempt for people who are hypocritical. But wherever I found frankness, I have dropped my sarcasm and tried to be genuinely kind. You are different. Miss. Melly loved you with such fierce loyalty, but you held her in contempt, calling her a ninny and a mealy-mouthed fool. You were offended by Mammy even though she honestly called us both, mule in horse harness, you bullied even your own two children - In short, you speak contemptuously of people and bully them to hide your own faults!"

As he spoke the words, rage began to build up in Scarlett's chest. Rhett was speaking the truth but it sounded absolutely brutal to her ears - especially when she herself had been so forgiving of his shortcomings just moments ago. And here he was, cruelly shedding light on all her flaws. She glared fiercely at Rhett for a moment and then tried to get up. But Rhett quickly pinned her down. "What are you thinking?" he asked, his curiosity stirred by the spirited play of emotions on her face. "Tell me..."

Scarlett pushed defiantly at his chest and retorted, "If you think you can say hateful things and still make love to me, you are mistaken."

"Of course I can. I haven't said anything hateful or untrue. And I will make love to you-"

"No you can't. I won't let you."

"Of course I can." said Rhett, a little surprised by her sudden spark of Irish temper. "There is nothing for you to allow or disallow here. I can point out the bad things that you do, if I want to.. and I can call you a good girl and kiss you, if I want to. And I do want to." As if to prove his point, he leaned closer to her. Scarlett tried to twist her head away but Rhett's warm mouth closed over hers in a passionate kiss. Her arms struggled up but his own were powerful enough to hold them to the sides.

When he drew back, she couldn't meet his eyes. And turning her head to the nearest pillow, she buried her face and began to cry angry tears. Rhett watched her in frank astonishment. "Now Scarlett, why are you crying? What have I said that has hurt you so?" There was no answer. Rhett gently gripped her shaking shoulders and wrenched her back to face him. "Come here, Scarlett. There's a darling. You trust me, don't you? You know I would never unfairly laugh at you. Now why are you crying?." He pulled out a handkerchief and began to dab at her eyes.

"I am not really an unkind person" said Scarlett, dolorously. She blew her nose in his handkerchief. "But if I don't bully people, they will find out.."

"Find out what, honey?"

"They will find out that I'm not good enough." Fresh tears sprang up and brimmed Scarlett's eyes, giving her pupils a bright green color.

Rhett's eyebrows shot up in thick crescents with swift understanding. He took the handkerchief from her fumbling hands and fluffed her pillows about her. "Now, who told you that you weren't good enough?" he asked, more kindly.

"I don't know." shrugged Scarlett, dully. "But I do get so frightened, Rhett. I get frightened and so unsure of things but I can't tell anyone. I have to be harsh, you see. When Melly was nice to me, I thought she was trying to show how goody-goody she was. She'd put her arm around me or kiss me and she'd be doing it for her silly notions that I was someone good."

Rhett placed her hands together and kissed her fingertips. "I suppose, when you were a little girl, there were times when you were genuinely sad or afraid and you needed a kiss or a hug and no one gave it to you. But every other useless time, someone did and it meant nothing?"

"Yes. Oh God, how did you know?!" Scarlett gasped in shock.

"Instead you were shamed into good behavior? So, you naturally thought that you were a bad person?"

"Yes." Scarlett's eyes swimming with more tears. "Rhett, my Mother set such a high standard. I felt ashamed to even think of romping about with her. I wasn't anything she wanted me to be. I don't know why." Her voice began to tremble. "Suellen would always irritate me with her constant whining and once I threw a buttered biscuit at her head at the dining table and Mother looked at me with such pained eyes that I was instantly shamed to tears. I was always so wild and impulsive. Everything that she wasn't. So later on, every time I was rude to someone, or I lied, cheated, I felt utter remorse because my Mother would be ashamed to see me-."

"The feeling of being constantly unworthy and inadequate?"

"Yes. Constantly!" effused Scarlett, grateful that someone understood her feelings at last. "Nothing was enough."

"My father professed that he was a mild-mannered man. But as a little boy, when I disobeyed him or talked back, he would make me stand all day at the front porch so that everyone coming and leaving the house, would know what a bad person I was. I was supposed to feel ashamed of myself and change for the better. Now, as much as I pretended it didn't hurt, in the end, my father was a very well-respected gentleman in Charleston. So, he did set a standard and I did feel ashamed that I couldn't meet it. But Scarlett, once I left home and met other people, I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed of. My father's principles and standards were outdated and useless. I met varieties of people and I learnt that I wasn't as bad as them and that I should value myself-"

"Mr. Westley made me feel that way. He's richer than I am and his ideas are more mixed up than mine. And everyone thinks he is such a fine gentleman. Well, everyone can go to pot!"

"I suppose Mr. Westley's true colors raised your opinion of yourself so much so that, you finally summoned your courage and straightforwardly asked me for help?"

"Yes" said Scarlett, grinning suddenly.

"Ah well, did you ever stop to think, Scarlett, that people can do whatever they want? Tomorrow when you try to befriend your field-hands, they might accept your olive branch and it wouldn't be because of you... or they might walk away in scorn and it wouldn't be because of you.. You can't think of yourself as so ridiculously important a person that everything everyone thinks or feels is because of something you've done or said. People can do whatever they want. You can't control them." Rhett's fingers traced the outline of her lips again. "Now what you have to work on is your wicked habit of manipulating people with your lies, tricks, smiles and tears. And you must think of yourself as a good person, not because you are wealthy or intelligent.. but because you just do. Do you understand? Have a little compassion for yourself- And once you do, you'll find you are able to laugh at your weaknesses and tolerate the silliness in others."

Rhett continued,

"Once I climbed up in life, I decided not to be ashamed of anything. And I never was. I wasn't ashamed of making money by fraudulent means, going to brothels, flaunting my riches, snubbing others, killing people in bar fights- I wasn't ashamed of anything!"

"I know. I tried so hard to make you feel ashamed. But the only thing that you were ashamed of was growing sentimental and joining the army!" Scarlett giggled suddenly, her voice sounding very melodious to Rhett's ears. "You are impossible!"

"But I did feel afraid."

"Why ever for?"

"Well, shame is supposed to limit a person to things that are meant for him. I was unashamed of everything. So, frankly, I had no limits on what I could do, or what I couldn't do" Rhett shrugged lightly. "And I was afraid that my utterly shameless nature might hurt others who could love me. That I might hurt them when I trod over their delicately framed rules and ideas. That night after Miss. Melly's reception, the night I made love to you, I was extremely afraid."

"Why?"

"There were no limits to anything that I could do. I could do anything to you and I did. I am never ashamed for it. But I was afraid that my utterly shameless love-making might have hurt you. I was afraid that you would laugh at me in your usual contemptuous way. If you could accept me with all my unashamed appetites, then you truly are angelic." Rhett's fingertips traced imaginary lines along the sides of Scarlett's bosom and hips but descended no further. His dark eyes twinkled merrily at her. "I believe that you are a little less uppity than moments ago."

"Yes, I am." replied Scarlett, relaxing under the pleasant sensations once again.

"And you aren't going to bully people anymore?"

"I'll try not to."

"And you aren't going to burst into tears like an impetuous child for every little truth I say-"

"No." said Scarlett, smiling and bringing out the dimples in her cheeks.

"Good. And now you are going to beg me to kiss you until your lips turn very red and swollen?"

Scarlett deliberately tucked her arms under her head and gave a coy smile of invitation.

Rhett grinned and traced the soft, sensitive underside of her breasts with soft wet kisses. And when Scarlett was breathing evenly enough, he claimed her lips again. This time he did not allow her to squirm her head away neither did she feel inclined to. His lips travelled down her throat and once more explored her breasts and narrow waist. Ignoring her soft pleas, he turned her over and combed her hair away from her neck. He began his kisses there and his warm lips slowly travelled down and lingered at the small of her back. He turned her over once again, reached for the back of her knees and tickled the delicate skin underneath. He felt her legs stiffen and grow tensed. She parted her legs once but Rhett ignored her and continued to torment her with kisses. When he at last rested his head on her bosom, he heard her heart thump as fast as a rabbit and watched that her face was contorting out of pure sensual arousal. Scarlett sighed audibly now, almost threatening to cry if he excited her anymore. So, Rhett finally left her alone.