"Sweet blessed Andraste, what were you thinking?" Sebastian asked Fenris before the former slave could even shut the front door.

Fenris ignored his question as he retreated back up the stairs to the only room in the old mansion that he occupied. When he heard Sebastian's footsteps behind him, he knew the man wasn't going to go away easily. "I can only assume by your anger that this is about the arrangement I have with Hawke?"

Blue eyes widened as they looked upon the elf. "Arrangement? That is what you call this.. this madness?"

Fenris turned to look at him. "If she told you what was discussed then she must have told you her reasons behind her decision. You should respect her for it."

Sebastian raised his arms in the air out of frustration. "I trust you as a friend of hers to talk her out of such foolishness. To agree to murder her..."

"To protect her from herself," Fenris corrected. "She is wise to fear the power she possesses. Tell me you would not do the same if you witnessed a demon taking hold of her? Knowing that is her greatest fear, you would do nothing to help her?"

His words held some truth, though Sebastian didn't want to admit it. "But to kill her?"

"She would be dead already," Fenris pointed out. "You being here is proof you could not convince her otherwise, nor will you convince me."

Falling into a long forgotten chair, Sebastian ignored the dust that escaped the cushion under his weight. "We have led her down this path. We have convinced her she carries this curse that will inevitably lead to such destruction."

Fenris raised a brow as he considered Sebastian's statements. "Was it not you just yesterday that reminded her the Maker turned His back on His children for being what she was? It is the Chantry you devote yourself to that condemns her, and rightly so given all we have seen."

"Then perhaps it is I who has failed," Sebastian realized. "The Chantry deserves no such loyalty if it condemns someone for being what they had no choice in being."

"Or your feelings cloud your judgment," Fenris dared to say. "Either way, that is your burden, not mine. I am painfully aware what mages are capable of, as is Hawke. For her to recognize her own weakness is admirable, and I will not go back on my word."

Dearest Father,

I spent the better part of an evening trying to make Sebastian see my side of things. Being a mage is difficult, it comes with consequences that we must be aware of. You did your best to instill that in me by forbidding blood magic and warning me of how demons can take hold of us. I can't help but wonder if I am strong enough, if put in some imaginary situation that the option to turn to the dark power wouldn't seem so bad if it could right some terrible wrong. Is there a balance to it all? I suppose we'll never know until the time comes.

Sebastian made some valid arguments of his own, though I think he left here struggling with his own demons. I went to see him earlier, not comfortable with the way we had left things, and I found him arguing with Elthina. Their voices echoed through the Chantry, though I couldn't make out what they were saying. When I approached the two, Elthina turned to me and begged me to talk some sense into Sebastian.

When I asked him what he had done to upset her so, he explained to me that he had made a mistake. Claimed he had a moment of weakness, and during that time had turned his back against the Maker. He was begging Elthina for another chance at becoming a brother of the Chantry, and Elthina rightly called it just another whim. I wasn't sure why he was suddenly so pro-Chantry again after our discussion, but then when he told me spoke with Fenris, it became clear.

He didn't want to jump into the unknown again. Having me in his life, forcing him to question the teachings of the Chantry, was making him uncomfortable. I am a walking contradiction he claimed; a mage that believes in the Maker and His words, yet still a mage, something damned by the Maker himself. If I could have enough faith in the Maker being what I am, that somehow made him a lesser man, and so he had to redevote himself to the Chantry and ask for forgiveness.

Does any of that make sense Father? Because it certainly didn't to me. I get that I'm a contradiction. What I didn't understand is why he felt he wasn't just as worthy in the Maker's eyes. Because he had sinned, he said. Because he questioned, just for a moment, the teachings of the Chantry. And because he had feelings for me, and I am a mage. For him to admit he had feelings for me warmed my heart, but it iced over just as quickly when I realized he was throwing himself at Elthina's feet to get away from those feelings, and had considered them just another sin.

"So everything you said to me last night was a lie then?" Hawke asked, anger keeping the tears from falling.

Sebastian shifted uncomfortably. "No, that's not what I mean at all."

"You caring about me is a sin," she repeated. "You said it yourself. I have caused you to doubt the Maker. I have burdened you with feelings that you can't give in to because you swore before the Maker you'd take no bride except Andraste. Have I missed anything so far?"

"Hawke," Sebastian tried to answer, but she wasn't finished.

"'Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him. Foul and corrupt are they who have taken His gift and turned it against His children.' That's how it goes, isn't it?" She paused, seeing the surprise in his eyes as she quoted from the Canticle of Transfigurations. "Tell me when I have used my magic to rule over man. Show me where I have turned it against His children? To protect others? To protect you! You are so quick to turn your back on me because of feelings? Yet you had no problem turning your back on the Maker when you sought revenge for your family!"

Sebastian lowered his head, ashamed that her words rang true. "Maker forgive me..."

"He has," Hawke told him, lowering her voice to a more calming tone. "I asked you earlier if you saw yourself as a prince or a priest, and you said you were praying for guidance about that decision. Did you ever consider that maybe this is your answer? You said staying with the Chantry brought you a sense of peace, but I don't see peace within you now. I see the same turmoil in your eyes that I see in mine. Fear of the unknown, of what's to come and if you're strong enough to handle it."

His eyes met hers, and he knew she was right again. "I could lock myself in my room as much as you want to lock yourself within these walls," Hawke continued. "But what good can we do while secluded? You can choose to be a priest, or a prince, or none of those. Just as I can choose to hide or to help people, or sit back and watch the injustice in the world happen around me. I can still lead my life the way I hope will give me favor with the Maker when my time comes, and it should be our faith in Him that allows us to make mistakes and know we'll be forgiven."

A smile curled his lip as Sebastian spoke. "Is it not I that should be preaching to you?"

She offered him a one-shouldered shrug. "Not if you choose to be Prince. Prince's are much more sexier, and you get to do whatever you want with me."

I probably shouldn't have shared that last detail with you Father, sorry. I was in the moment. Anyway, that's where we left it; the torn and slightly embarrassed soon to be prince or priest, and me, still as lost and confused as ever. I do know that the agreement with Fenris stands, and I also believe everything I said to Sebastian. I have to believe it, I have to think that the Maker can forgive. Otherwise, what's the point in striving to be the best person you can be?

I know I'll still slip occasionally here and there, and may not make the best decisions in His eyes, but all we can do is learn from our mistakes and go forward. That lesson you taught me well, I just needed a reminder.