Author's Note 1: If you are reading this fic solely for the friendship aspect and violently oppose McKirk, feel free to skip this chapter. The next chapters won't be as boldly ship-centered like this one is. For those who ship McKirk, enjoy!

Not in Love with Jim

It was a little difficult to get into the movie after that.

Bones had fallen asleep ten minutes in, his head dropped on Jim's shoulder, which was definitely not helping anything.

Jim stared at the screen while everything he thought he knew about the world imploded violently.

Bones. He was…in love…with Bones. Bones. His Bones. The one drooling on him. That Bones. He was the one making Jim's heart do stupid flip flops.

But honestly, who hadn't had gay thoughts about their best friend?

Especially when your best friend was Leonard McCoy, who just so happened to be the hottest mess of a man Jim had ever seen in his life. He'd accepted that day one of their friendship; Bones had been hungover, unshowered, and still Jim frighteningly attractive. It was just that he had the whole "tall, dark, and handsome" thing going on that occasionally made Jim's knees weak. Not to mention Bones' smile, which was the closest thing to honest perfection Jim had ever seen and Jim just really liked the way Bones said his name and—

Okay, yeah, he probably should have realized how far gone he was a hell of a lot sooner.

Bones shifted closer to Jim and Jim tensed up.

This wasn't new. Though neither of them were particularly touchy-feely people, they were with each other. They had just never really been concerned about crossing lines because, between them, there really hadn't been any lines to begin with—they were just naturally that good at sharing space. Two halves of a fucked up whole. When he put it like that, the whole Big Gay Freak Out seemed inevitable. Which left Jim feeling incredibly off-balance. The universe couldn't have known Jim was in love with Bones before Jim did. That wasn't fair.

But was in love with Bones? Or was it just Stockholm Syndrome? Either way, Jim knew he was fucked. Completely, utterly fucked all because Bones was a wonderful fucking person who made Jim feel like he was a better person than he objectively knew he was.

Jim looked down at Bones, because no one was there to know.

"You're an asshole," Jim sighed, honestly.

Bones made Jim a better. He made Jim into something he could actually be proud of, so of course Jim had fallen in love with him. Bones had saved his life long before Khan ever stepped on board. And Jim wasn't so humble to deny that he hadn't done the same for Bones. The Leonard McCoy he'd met on that shuttle wasn't a version of Bones he'd seen since their second semester. He didn't take all the credit, but he took his fair share. For both of them, day one of their friendship was rock bottom and they couldn't have come back from that without help. They were Jim and Bones and that was never going to change.

Jim wouldn't let it.

He settled more comfortably against Bones and went to sleep, knowing his Big Gay Freak Out could wait until morning.

/

McCoy woke up feeling warm, comfortable, and absolutely shitty.

He knew that didn't make any sense, but after his day yesterday, he felt entitled to not make sense. He was lying on Jim, that he knew for sure. He could hear him snoring, in sync with the slow rise/fall of McCoy's head. It was nice, actually. The right amount of grounding McCoy needed right now.

His face hurt. A lot. His throat hurt. A lot. But this was nice. Waking up beside Jim was always nice. It reassured him that Jim hadn't left him. That they could still be Jim and Bones when the day started. He never slept better than he did when he knew that Jim was next to him. It was unintended side-effect of Jim's death, McCoy. McCoy had stayed all day, all night, next to Jim's bed when he'd been in the coma. Hearing him breathe was the only thing keeping McCoy going at that point. If Jim wasn't breathing, then McCoy had failed and there was no point to anything anymore.

Jim was just that important to McCoy. Jim represented the things McCoy loved most on the ship and on Earth too, if he was to be honest. Jim was home and McCoy would never stop loving th-

McCoy opened his eyes, slowly turning to look up at Jim. He would never stop loving that. That being Jim.

He felt something shift and give, until finally aligning with inevitability.

Oh shit.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

He pushed away from Jim's side, stumbling into the bathroom as fast as he could.

No, no, no, no. This was not happening. No. Absolutely not. No way. No. Nope. Fuck no. Jim and him...he wasn't…no. Not like that. No, no, no. He braced himself on the counter, breathing in and counting to ten. He wasn't having a panic attack because this was not happening. He definitely wasn't even thinking about it. He wasn't thinking about how nice it would be to wake up next to Jim every morning for the rest of their lives. He wasn't thinking about how much Jim needed him or how much he needed Jim. He wasn't thinking about how Jim was the only thing on this ship that kept McCoy from losing himself completely. Nope. Not even kind of. Jim was a horrible friend, a terrible roommate. And, frankly, he was hideous, face-wise. He definitely wasn't sunshine personified. McCoy could go his whole life without ever seeing that stupid grin on his stupid face again, that's for damn sure.

He was not in love with Jim.

He let go of the counter and slide down it until he was sitting on the cold floor, miserable and lying to himself. He'd been lying to himself for a while now because he knew there was no way he would have followed Jim to space if he hadn't been a little bit in love with him. McCoy was way too selfish to ever let Jim leave without him. Jim's smile was too important to him and he lived for the days that he got to see it.

Because he loved Jim.

Because was in love with Jim. Probably always had been it just took a broken nose and Gone with the Wind to make him realize it.

Fuck. He dropped his head against the counter. He was so fucking screwed. Jim was…Jim. He was McCoy's best friend and only saw him as such. There was no way McCoy could jeopardize that. He'd rather take his secret to the grave than ruin his friendship with Jim. Without Jim, nothing made sense. He couldn't go on being Bones without him.

At just like that, Jim became the very best and very worst thing to ever happen to McCoy.

"Bones? Are you dead?"

McCoy looked up at the closed door.

"Bones?" Jim yelled again.

McCoy opened his mouth to tell Jim to go away at let him and let McCoy hate himself in peace, but then he remembered pirates and hostage-taking and closed it. Which was fine by Jim, who immediately waltzed through the door like he wasn't the reason for McCoy's bathroom breakdown. He zeroed in on McCoy sitting on the floor. He dropped to his knees, grabbing McCoy by the wrists.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking McCoy over possessively. "Should I call Christine?"

McCoy shook his arms out from under Jim, in order to push him back slightly. He waited for Jim to look at him in the eyes before shaking his head.

"Then why are you on the floor?" Jim asked, falling back to on his heels.

McCoy shrugged, because what was he supposed to say? Because I love you and I'm worried I'm going to fuck everything up? Because I think this is the first time I've ever looked at you the right way?

"Are you shrugging because you just don't want to tell me?"

McCoy shrugged again.

"Are you going to keep shrugging until I change the topic?"

McCoy glared up at him.

"Okay," Jim sighed, pushing himself up. "Whatever, suit yourself. Let's go get breakfast. I gotta be on the bridge in a couple hours."

McCoy shook his head and pointed to the door.

"I'm not leaving you on the floor, Bones," Jim said. "You're freaking me out. Let's go."

McCoy swallowed. He couldn't skip breakfast with Jim. Jim might think something was up. It was paramount Jim never thought something was up, so McCoy held up his hand for Jim to help haul him up. Jim looked down at him, frowning, before McCoy pulled his hand back quickly. Be cool, Leonard.

He pushed himself up with only a minor twinge of agony.

"Maybe you should go see Dr. Toll first. You still don't look so hot. Not that you do usually. Just normal temperature. For you."

He was not going to see Toll. There was…wait, yes. Perfect. That was a ready-made excuse to avoid making a fool out of himself in front of Jim. He quickly grabbed the PADD off the bed.

I think you're right. I gotta make sure the bones healed aright.

A lie. His bones were completely fine, he made damn sure of that before he left Medbay. But Jim didn't need to know that.

Jim nodded.

"Okay, then we'll stop by there first before breakfast."

No, no, it's alright, McCoy wrote. You go on without me. I can't eat much anyway.

Jim looked at the message, then up to McCoy. Then back at the message.

"Are you sure you—"

Yes.

Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Okkkkaaaayyyy…" he said. "See you…at lunch then?"

Yep. As usual. No problem with that. Great.

Wow. Even in writing, McCoy was still managing to sound like the biggest idiot in the quadrant. Wonderful.

"Lunch as usual. Great," Jim said, walking backwards to the door. "That's great."

It's great.

"Great," Jim repeated loudly, tripping slightly against the door frame. "Lunch with me. And you."

McCoy waved him out the door and suddenly panicked. How did he usually wave to Jim? Was it more wrist, less hand? More elbow?

Before the doors closed, Jim waved with both hands and McCoy realized that was probably the right way. He dropped to the bed.

He couldn't even keep it together for ten minutes. How was he supposed to do this for the rest of his life?

/

As soon as Bones' door was around the corner, Jim immediately found the nearest wall and slammed his forehead against it repeatedly.

"That was so fucking dumb," he groaned. "Why are you the worst? You can't even hold it together for ten fucking minutes?"

He let his head drop a few more times in abject misery. He'd waved with both hands for fuck's sake. He didn't deserve to be in love with Bones. He didn't even deserve to be Captain anymore. He couldn't even stand the idea of sitting in the cafeteria with other crewmembers. They'd be able to sense his failure.

He hit his head a little too hard against the wall panel.

"I deserved that," he said, rubbing his forehead. "I deserve shame."

He couldn't live like this. He wanted to tell the whole world how utterly infatuated he was with Leonard H. McCoy. But he also wanted no one in the world to ever even begin to consider the possibility. He wanted to tell Bones because Bones was just as shit as emotional stuff as Jim and made Jim feel slightly less helpless. But he couldn't because this was all Bones' fault.

He went back to hitting his head, vindictively hoping a bruise would form.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he sighed.

"What is this?"

He tilted his head to see down the hall. Uhura was standing a solid ten feet from her, arms folded.

"Please pretend you don't see me right now," Jim groaned. "Go about your business. Be young and carefree. Appreciate your ability to love. Cherish Spock for all that he is."

He hit his head again. And again. And again.

"Stop that!" Uhura yelled, walking quickly over and pulling him away from the wall. "Are you drunk? It's 6:30 in the morning!"

"I'm not drunk," Jim said defensively, yanking his arm out of her talons.

"Are you…sad?" Uhura said, taking a step back.

"Just leave me alone, Ny," Jim sighed. He pushed around her, towards his quarters.

"Jim, wait," she called back. "Tell me what's wrong. I want to help."

Jim paused, debating quietly for a few seconds. It couldn't get any worse, really, so he turned back around.

"You're going to laugh or hit me or something."

Uhura put her hands up. "I'll try not to."

Jim took another minute before finally grabbing her by the arm. Uhura immediately smacked his hand away.

Jim looked her.

"You deserved that one."

"Fine. Follow me," he said, heading around the corner. He wasn't having this conversation outside of the strict confines of his quarters. Even there he was still paranoid Scotty would somehow be able to hear. Oh God, Scotty would never be okay with this. Bones was his friend! He'd hate Jim for even thinking about it! Jesus Christ.

He entered his code and gestured Uhura inside.

"You can sit," he gestured vaguely at the couch in the corner. Uhura sat on the arm lightly, watching Jim.

"Okay," he started, stopping his pacing to look at her. "Okay, so something happened."

Uhura waited, stoically.

"Something big," Jim stressed. "Life-changing, you could say. I mean, my life is now broken up into two sections: last night, and every night before last night. In the biographies they'll write about me, they'll be—"

"If you don't tell me in two seconds I'm leaving."

Jim took a deep breath and turned around.

"I'm in love with Bones."

He opened his eyes and looked at her, waiting for any reaction. Instead, Uhura just stared at him blankly.

"Wait, what?" she said finally.

"Bones," Jim repeated. "I'm in love with him. Stupid love."

"No, no, I got that," Uhura said, frowning. "You're just telling me that…you didn't know that until last night?"

"What? No!" Jim threw up his arms. "Of course not! This is Bones. I can't be in love with Bones!"

"But you are," Uhura said. "How did you not know? I've known since the Academy! The whole ship probably knows. Spock knows."

"No he doesn't," Jim snapped. "He can't! No one can know. God, this is so embarrassing."

"Why? This is great! Half the ship just earned a lot of money in the bet. I can't wait to send in your guys' form to the admiralty. You know you aren't immune to that, right? You still have to fill out B9X324 just like every other couple on board."

Jim dropped onto the couch beside her, groaning. "Uhura, no! That's the problem. We aren't dating. Bones doesn't know!"

Uhura sat up straighter.

"Oh. Well go tell him."

Jim looked at her.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Uhura shrugged. "It's that simple, Jim. Go tell Leonard, get your form signed, and then have Sulu buy you guys a drink because he just came into an insane amount of money."

"First of all, betting is illegal on board. Second of all, it's not that simple. Bones doesn't…Bones would never…he's Bones. He'd never…"

"I'll bet you a thousand credits he does."

"What did I literally just say about betting?"

"You're an idiot," Uhura pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I know," Jim dropped his head into his hands. "But I can't tell him. It would ruin everything. He'd get a transfer off this ship and then I'd have to quit because what would even be the point of the final frontier without him and then you'd all die at the hands of your new captain."

"You're so dramatic, I want to throw up."

"Thanks," Jim said miserably. Uhura sighed before putting her hand tentatively on Jim's shoulder.

"Tell him. Even if he doesn't feel that way, which I'm telling you he does, Leonard is not the kind of person who is going to freak out."

"Leonard McCoy, freak out? Yeah, you're right. That never happens."

"Trust me," Uhura said, standing up. "Stop hitting your head on walls. Change your clothes. Look less miserable. I'll see you on the Bridge."

"This talk didn't help at all!" Jim called after her.

"I can't help you if you don't want help, Jim."

"That's dramatic."

Uhura walked out the doors without a backwards glance.

/

McCoy had waited until he knew Jim was on the bridge before going to breakfast. Contrary to his earlier conviction, he had actually gone to see Toll. Than man had confirmed what McCoy had known but also offered him something for his throat. The bruises were still there, but the pain wasn't. He could talk somewhat, even though there wasn't much he wanted to say.

He looked down at his oatmeal, feeling judgement even from it. How stupid could he be, falling for Jim? Jim, the one person in the entire galaxy he couldn't stand to lose was now perfectly in the position to do just that. He'd find out McCoy was in love with him, get him transferred to avoid the awkwardness, and McCoy would be shipped off to some outpost in the middle of nowhere. That would be the practical thing to do, but it was also the worst possible outcome McCoy could imagine. If he couldn't be next to Jim, there was no point being in space. He'd go back to earth, work at Starfleet Medical. Or maybe he'd quit all together. He'd hit a whole new rock bottom, one he had even dreamed of.

A tray dropped done beside his.

"I couldn't help noticing you moping from afar," Christine said, pulling out the chair. She looked McCoy up and down. "You look horrible."

"Thanks."

"And you're not supposed to be talking."

"It's fine," he snapped back, his voice a little rough. "Toll cleared me."

"Emotionally or just physically?"

"I'm fine, Christine," he sighed, pushing around his spoon.

"Your sad puppy eyes say different."

McCoy dropped his head into his hands.

"Go away," he said miserably.

"Hey," Christine said, her tone flipped completely. "Talk to me, Leonard. What's wrong?"

McCoy kept his head on his folded arms but still looked up at her.

"I'm an idiot."

"Why?"

"Because I…" he stopped, clearing his throat. "Because Jim. I'm…sort of…in love…with him."

He dropped his head again, hating himself for actually saying it aloud. It made it sound all the more pathetic.

"Hot damn!" Christine yelled suddenly, slapping her hand on the table. McCoy looked up. "This is incredible. Rand owes me so much money, holy shit."

"What?"

Christine laughed, incredibly patronizing in every sense of the word. "Did you really not know about the bet?"

"The bet?"

"Leonard, half the ship knew you and Jim were going to end up together. It's the worst kept secret in the federation. Nyota is going to lose her mind."

"We're not together, Christine. That's the problem."

Chapel sobered up immediately.

"What?" She snapped. "No way I was wrong. I called that day one!"

"Well, I'm so sorry it's inconvenient for you, Christine," McCoy snapped, kicking back his chair.

"No, Leonard, wait," Christine said, grabbing his arm again. "Tell me what happened."

McCoy glared at her a minute before dropping back down.

"Nothing happened!" he said. "Besides me coming to the realization that I'm an idiot."

"Because you didn't realize sooner?"

"Because I just ruined the best part of my life!" McCoy said. "Me and Jim can't be friends if I'm head over heads for him. I can't put that on him."

"Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You haven't told him?"

"I can't! Did you not even listen?"

"No, I did. It's just such bullshit, I had a hard time keeping up."

"What?"

"Leonard, come on!" Christine said, throwing up her arms. "Don't lie to me but mostly, don't lie to yourself. You have to know that Jim is crazy about you. You should have seen him yesterday! As soon as you dropped out of the way, he lost it. He attacked the pirate. Hendorf had to pull him off."

"That's just a captain thing."

Christine's face dropped.

"A captain thing? No, you emotionally stunted caveman. It's a I love you thing. Jim loves you. You love Jim. There is literally no problem."

"Jim does not feel the same."

"You can't know that unless you ask."

"I won't risk it."

"Then you are an idiot."

Christine grabbed her tray and walked away, leaving McCoy to glare after her as he stalked out the door. She had no fucking clue how important Jim was to McCoy and how much it would hurt to lose him. He'd rather spent the rest of his life keeping this a secret than tell Jim. He just had to start practicing on how to go about it.

He leaned back in his chair and stared pissily at his oatmeal.

/

Jim was staring at the stars, pissily.

The Bridge was his favorite place in the entire world, yet he couldn't be more miserable. He could feel Uhura looking at the back of his head, but he refused to acknowledge her. She'd been entirely unhelpful. Not only was he still stuck on what to do about the whole "madly in love with Bones" thing, he now how to work out how to phrase a ship-wide memo about gambling still be frowned upon. Especially gambling about his love life.

His tragic, depressing love life.

He sighed heavily.

The lift gave its signature pneumatic hiss as the doors opened and Jim's heart picked up double time. He turned, expecting Bones. Except it wasn't Bones.

"Christine?" Jim tried to put on a smile. "Is this your first time on the Bridge?"

"Yeah," Christine said shortly, walking quickly to where Jim sat.

"Well, welcome, let me show—"

"Save it. This is more important," Christine waved her hand dismissively, stopping in front of Jim's chair.

Jim frowned, leaning back in his chair. "What's up?"

"Leonard is in the cafeteria trying to drown himself in blueberry oatmeal because he's in love with you and thinks that you don't feel the same. Which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard because I've never met two people who are more in love than you two idiots. We've been on this ship for two years and watching you and Leonard sit together in the cafeteria and hold each other's hands in Medbay when you think the other can't see and do your little Tuesday date night thing was fun at first but I'm done. I'm done. Now it's just frustrating for everyone because I legitimately thought you guys were never going to figure it out. You have no idea how incredibly dumb you both are and I want to hit the two of you with a book."

Christine took a deep breath and glared at Jim.

Jim really wanted to hit his head against the wall again.

"Christine…"

"No, Jim!" Christine snapped, taking a step forward. "This is shit. Everyone on the Bridge knows it. Except Checkov, who just lost money to Sulu."

Jim turned to look at Chekov, who looked like he wanted to die.

"And Spock didn't bet, but you know he wanted to," Christine said, pointing at the first officer.

"I did not," Spock told Jim calmly.

"He did!"

"No."

"Whatever," Christine sighed. She twisted Jim's chair around, placing her hands on the arms so Jim couldn't move away. "Leonard loves you, you love Leonard. Go fix it."

Jim looked her, really, really wanting to hate her right now. He sighed. "You couldn't have chosen a worst place to yell all of that?"

"It was important," she said firmly.

Jim smiled. "Yeah, I know. Cafeteria?"

Christine nodded. "Table in the back, looking sad next to a bowl of oatmeal."

Jim laughed and pushed himself out of his chair.

"Spock, you've got the conn."

He walked calmly to the lift, stepping in and giving Christine a salute before the doors closed.

God bless, Christine Chapel. She was going to get a raise. She could be his new first officer. Spock would understand or Uhura would help him to understand that Christine was an angel and deserved to be treated as such.

The lift opened up and he strolled through, taking time to smile at everyone crewmen on their way out of breakfast.

Bones looked exactly like Christine described him and Jim grinned. He walked to the table in the very back, with heavy, wide strides. Bones didn't notice him until he was standing next to him.

"Hi," Jim said quietly.

"Jim," Bones frowned, looking panicked. "What are you—"

"Bones," Jim said, more sure than he had ever been of anything else. He wasn't good at this and there was no way he could possibly summarize what Bones meant to him. But that was okay. They'd hopefully have time for that later. No more being angry at the inevitable. "I love you. A lot. Like, a stupid amount of love and I cannot believe I didn't realize sooner because I'm pretty sure I've known since the minute you threw up on my shoes that I didn't ever want you to leave."

He left it at that, because he'd covered all the major talking points he'd worked out in the walk over. Love you, check. Witty reference to our meeting, check. Desperate but endearing plea, check.

Which was good because, like always, Bones knew exactly what Jim needed to hear. He pushed his chair back slowly, calmly set his spoon down and looked at Jim with a smile.

"How could you possible think I'd go anywhere without you, dumbass?"

Jim laughed, feeling very stupid and very relieved. "I'm an idiot."

"Yeah, you are."

"But so are you."

Bones laughed. "Yeah."

"Last night I had a Big Gay Freak Out during Gone with the Wind," Jim said, honestly, because it seemed like an appropriate confession to make. "You were drooling on me."

"Okay," Bones nodded thoughtfully. "Weird."

"I know."

"This morning you were snoring and I had a weird Vietnam-like flashback to your coma. And then I had a Big Gay Freak Out."

"That's adorable."

"That's weird."

They looked at each other for a minute. Or ten. Jim wasn't counting.

"This is going to be so much fun," he said quietly.

"And a lot of trouble," Bones added, taking a step closer. But there was an excited rush to his words that Jim had never heard before.

"I love you," Jim said.

"I love you," Bones repeated, just as sure.

"If I kiss you, you aren't going to throw up are you?"

"You're an unbelievable ass, you know that?" Bones laughed, but he pushed forward and grabbed Jim by the front of his uniform.

Jim met him halfway and kissed him like it's the easiest thing in the world.

/

Author's Note 2:

I'm so excited I finally got this chapter out of the way! Now Jim and Bones can be blatantly in love, as opposed to being violently in denial about it. This chapter was so great to write, as you can imagine. Next chapter will probably be a rewrite of the Not a Student chapter that used to be in here. Obviously, a lot has changed from the original version. So it'll be fun to play around with it.

Thanks for sticking with me! -Ashley