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chapter thirty six
seattle, washington, 8:32 am
mixtape: where u are by chris farren
I spend the next four days in varying states of drunkenness. I call Edward late at night and it's even later for him when he answers the phone, letting me laugh too loudly in his ear as he tells me about how nervous he is for classes to start and how he wishes I was lying in bed next to him and I let his voice lull me to sleep. I wake up every morning to my phone ringing and his clear voice telling me to get up, eat some breakfast. I call him throughout the days, just to tell him about a song I hear on the radio or to ask him what his favorite movie is.
It's hard to be apart but we use this distance to get to know each other again, to find out little details. It's not ideal, but I'm trying to find a silver lining. It's all I can do.
On Wednesday morning Rosalie and I pack all of my stuff into the back of Emmett's car as well as a rented trailer to haul everything over to my new place. Rose's apartment is right outside of the University District and it looks more like a duplex than anything else. The street is tree lined and there are lots of people outside already, just sitting on their stoops and walking dogs.
"It's a really nice place to be," Rose says as we get out of the car. "Everyone's young, either going to school at UW or just finished."
The inside of the apartment is nice, sparsely furnished with modern, angular furniture all in varying shades of gray, with gold accents throughout. I bite my lip, it's very opposite of my style. I tape things to my walls and I tend to have too many plants lining my window sills.
"I know it's kind of empty, Royce wasn't big on decoration," she says and Emmett mumbles something I don't quite hear.
Rose shows me to my room, up a narrow staircase and down a short hallway. It's not very big, my bed will take up at least a third of the space but it has two large windows that face the garden behind the building.
"I love it," I breathe and Rose grins.
"Much better than the crawlspace," Emmett comments.
I have to agree.
"I'll have to send you a picture later, I'm still unpacking now though," I say to Edward on the phone later.
"Well describe it a little. I want to be able to imagine you there," he says, his voice tired. I tell him about the blue quilt on my bed, the one I've had since I was ten and he tells me he remembers it. I hear the smile in his voice. He asks me if I've set up a book shelf and I tell him I haven't gotten one yet, so right now I have six boxes worth of novels and poems and memoirs stacked in the far corner. I tell him about the cactus I plan on having on my nightstand and he teases me, asking if I have a picture of him up yet. It makes me think of the disposable camera I bought in Chicago and I make a note to myself to get the film developed tomorrow.
"You sound exhausted. Did you have class today?" I ask, once I feel like I've been talking far too much. Edward yawns.
"Yeah, I had to be there at eight this morning," he says. I look at my clock: it's after ten here, meaning it's after one where he is.
"Go to bed, I didn't mean to keep you up," I say, feeling guilty.
"No, I wanted to talk. I miss you."
"I miss you, too."
"So this is your cubicle," my boss tells me with a flourish, waving her arms towards the small box I'm going to be spending my days in. Sue Clearwater is a tall woman, her graying hair tied up in a scarf, her outfit far more casual than my pencil skirt. Rose and I carpooled today but she's in a meeting now with some advertisers. The magazine seems cool, just a monthly publication for stuff going on in the city and thanks to Rosalie, I'm an assistant editor for the arts section.
"Feel free to decorate it, hang pictures, whatever you want. We're pretty laid back here. Oh, it looks like you already have something," she says in her low, cheery voice.
Sure enough there's a small bouquet of sunflowers on the center of my desk, a note sitting next to the vase.
You'll be great. –E
"Boyfriend?" Sue asks, her voice dreamy.
"Something like that," I say, unable to stop my smile.
Work is a blur of training and editing over the next few weeks. Sue is a little crazy, but in a way that makes my days interesting. I meet the guy who works across from me, his name is Alec and he's friendly enough. He tells me about his wife and shows me pictures of his new baby girl and we eat lunch with Rosalie most days.
The weather is starting to get cooler as fall moves in. Alice and I meet on Saturday mornings to go to flea markets and farmers markets and occasionally I'll meet Emmett at the movies and we'll watch the latest dumb action thriller.
It's been easy, creating a life for myself here.
But I'm very aware of Edward's absence and I'm on the verge of tears most nights, just because the space he's left in my heart is so, so big.
When Jasper and Alice throw dinner parties and I'm at the end of the table, next to Emmett and Rosalie, who are the only other single people in attendance. Apparently at the wedding Emmett spent a lot of time making sure Rose was okay when Royce didn't show and he's been hanging around our apartment a lot. It's only a matter of time until they make it official.
I spend these dinners wishing Edward was holding my hand and exchanging a glance with me every time one of Jasper's professor friends makes a pretentious comment.
When I'm walking the streets of my neighborhood, I'm wishing he was there, too, waiting to meet at the coffee shop two blocks over.
I get the pictures from that camera developed, so I tape them all to my wall so I can see Edward laughing on the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier whenever I'm lying in bed.
I send him dirty text messages and he can never take them seriously and we end up laughing over skype for hours instead. I tease him about how long his hair is getting and I stare at the dark circles under his eyes, telling him to go to bed while he always refuses, claiming he wants to talk more.
But I still constantly worry that he's met some cool future doctor with longer, more tanned legs than me and lives close enough to him that he can actually see her and they fall madly in love and I have to watch them get married and have genius children together.
He assures me that this is not true.
"I told you that I'm yours," he tells me over speaker phone one morning while I'm trying to put mascara on and he's walking to some deli for lunch.
"I know, but I don't want you to feel like you…owe me anything."
"Don't be an idiot. Are you doing anything for Halloween tonight?" he asks, changing the subject.
"Going to some club downtown with everyone, are you?"
"Nope, working a clinical tonight."
"That sucks."
"Not really, I don't really have anything else to do."
"You make Dartmouth sound so thrilling," I tease because he never sounds excited about anything anymore, all he does is work and study. Edward laughs.
"I can't wait until Thanksgiving," he says. He's coming back then and we're all going to Forks for the long weekend. I have a countdown on my calendar.
"Just twenty five more days," I sing.
"I'm at the deli, I'll call you later," he says. "Love you."
"Love you, too," I say, choking up because I always do.
It never gets any easier, saying goodbye.
is it thanksgiving yet?