We stared at the bound figure with disbelief.

"This could be construed as illegal," Desiree said.

We looked around, but saw no one guarding the female. It seemed that whoever had bound her up this way had presumed that a locked door and some plastic encased steel cables resembling bike chains were good enough to keep her in place, and her boy wasn't smart enough to pick the lock in the room next to the sting.

What did they threaten, exactly? That they'd kill her with the push of a button, or an imaginary trip wire?

I removed her gag, staring at the scratched up orange beak.

"Hi," I said with a gentle smile. "I'm Nick. What's your name?"

"Graciela Edaise."

"What's going on here, Graciela? And please, don't tell me S&M."

"Kirwan and Mooraidan are using the ship to smuggle drugs, and he's using my son to frame innocent passengers and keep the heat away from themselves!"

I furrowed my brow. "How would he deliver the stuff after framing people like that?"

"Blackmail, of course. If they're a good mule, they get rewarded. If not, he sends law enforcement agents video `evidence' of the victim being arrested for possession, which of course makes him look completely innocent."

"I guess the slavery wasn't part of his original plan," I muttered under my breath.

"What?"

"Nothing," I said. It was too much to explain.

Desiree put her hands to the lock holding the female's hands in place, and our victim sat up, rubbing her wrists.

"What are we going to do?" I said. "The constabulary is corrupt, and there's nobody to report to."

"Agent Clara Oswald," said Graciela. "She's new to the staff. May not have yet fallen prey to the scheme."

I nodded. "You're right. I've...heard very good things about her. I'll go get her."

Graciela stood up. "We'll go together."

"You're not going anywhere," a voice growled.

I turned and saw Kirwan and Cantaloupe Face pointing their weapons at us.

"Any more bright ideas?" I asked to nobody in particular.

Without a word, Desiree raised her hands, and the air filled with a deafeningly shrilly sound that broke planters and picture frames and left us all holding our ears in pain.

"Go!" she cried, kicking Kirwan in the knee, which oddly caused him to double over like he'd been kicked somewhere else.

As Cantaloupe Face raised his weapon, we rushed him, knocking him and his companion to the floor.

To add insult to injury, I quickly stuffed the package of drugs in Kirwan's pocket, watching with approval as Graciela tied the other guy's hands with the cable.

"It's too bad we don't have anything to knock them out with," Desiree muttered. "The tranquilizers are in the med lab."

The moment she said it, Graciela dug out the bag of drugs, shoving one glowing stick into the mouth of each of the drug dealers.

Their eyes drooped as they broke into giggling fits, protesting weakly as Desiree secured Graciela's knots and sonically locked the chain, securing the other with a ripped up towel.

"That won't hold them long. Let's go."

I grabbed a glowing stick, intending to prolong the stunning effect of the drug on our captives, but Bird Lady stopped me. "No. That would be fatal."

I sighed. Killing them would inevitably solve some problems, but I didn't want to offend an ally.

"Why?" I said. "It would serve the scumbags right."

She frowned at me. "You're...not the Doctor."

I stared at her in dismay. "He's a bleeding heart?"

"It's better than one made of ice."

I shook my head and gave up the idea.

I hadn't bothered to follow around Officer Clara. After all, if I had, I'd more than likely get arrested...or get killed by Quarks in the TARDIS.

"How are we going to find her?" I asked.

"Don't you know?" Desiree chided. "I thought you said the time bomb..."

"I also told you the disadvantages."

"There should be a security alert station around here somewhere," Graciela said.

That didn't sound like a great idea to me. "What, and notify the wrong people?"

Bird Woman scowled at me. "You got a better idea?"

"I do," said Desiree. "What's Clara's ID?"

I told her I didn't know.

Graciela shrugged.

Desiree rolled her eye. "Never mind."

I hadn't noticed this before, but every floor on the ship contained at least one spot on the wall marked with a three eyed bird emblem. All this time I thought the thing was used as a dumbwaiter or a fire extinguisher case, because it was only a square of fake wood set flush in the wall.

The human Dalek pushed a flipper on a star in the corner of this square, and it slid open, revealing a monitor, a button, and a speaker.

Using her palm, she unscrewed a little box, palmed some circuit boards, and the screen showed some sort of long list.

She clicked a few menus on this directory and I found myself staring at the face of the mysterious officer we wanted.

"Ms. Oswald," Desiree began. "We have some important information to tell you."

Clara frowned at us. "How did you get this line?"

"Allow me," I said.

Desiree stepped aside questioningly.

"Clara," I said. "It's me. The Doctor. I've regenerated. Again." I gripped my lapels to emphasize it was the Doctor's shirt.

The expression on her face was sheer and utter disbelief. "But that's impossible!"

"It's a long story," I said. "Too long to tell here." And too long to tell you at all, I thought to myself. "I've used my sonic screwdriver to access this signal. That part's not important. What's important is that there's illegal activity going on right under your nose, and if you don't come up here quick, they'll hide al the evidence and disappear. Got me?"

She nodded, but looked uncertain. "If you're truly the Doctor, then tell me this..."

Just as she began asking me what restaurant she stood up her boyfriend at after I `ruined' her date, I elbowed Desiree and she cut the signal.

After this, we stood around the door, watching our crooked cops curl into a ball and stare vacantly at nothing.

We waited.

We waited so long that clarity seemed to return to Cantaloupe Face.

"You must be stupid," he said. "The first thing I would be doing right now is hiding. Maybe even jumping overboard if it were possible."

"Oh?" I heard a voice say from behind me. "And why would they be doing that?"

"Clara!" Kirwan cried. "Thank Kaon you're here! These criminals have tied us up and forced us to take Bocko!"

"Did they also kidnap Ms. Edaise?"

Cantaloupe Face seemed to turn purple with fury. "Kidnapping! There's no kidnapping! What lies have those cretins been telling you!"

"Nothing," she smiled. "I heard it straight from the `cretin's' son."

I turned and saw Pigeon Boy stepping into the room.

"That's right. Kidnapping. I and my mother will testify against you in whatever court you want to meet in."

And so Clara handcuffed the crooks while Graciela told her all that happened. She took photos, recorded Ms. Edaise and her boy's testimony, then she stared at me with skepticism.

"When we were tiny and exploring the sick Dalek, what caused its personality to change?"

I thought about saying something cute, like "By one get one at Payless shoe store," but instead I decided to feign amnesia. "I..." I stammered. "I don't...remember."

"And how did we get rid of the mummy on the Orient Express?"

"By throwing it overboard?" I said. "I don't know."

Seeing her skeptical frown, I gave her a sheepish grin. "You know how these regeneration things are! It changes your whole face! I think it messed with my brain!"

"Everybody saw you die, `Doctor,' she said. You evaporated in front of thousands of witnesses."

"Stage trick," I fumbled. "Fancy light show. You'd be amazed what people can do with lasers."

She narrowed her eyes. "I should throw you in the brig with Mooraidan. Give me one reason why I shouldn't."

"Um...I have a TARDIS?"

Her mouth hung open. "That's...a very good reason. Show me."

I glanced at the crooks. "What about these guys? Shouldn't they go in the brig?"

She waved my companions and I outside and pulled the door shut. "There. Now show me."

"Will you let me know when you need me to testify?" Graciela asked.

She nodded. "Just relax and take it easy for awhile. I got this."

I looked around and saw that Desiree had disappeared, probably off to blow up everyone again.

I sighed. Can't win them all, I thought.

And so I led Clara down to the TARDIS.

Amazed as usual. Same comments.

Since it was obviously bad news to hang around the console room, I wandered down the various hallways, looking in doors, to see what I could see.

There were a lot of bedrooms. One contained personal items belonging to someone named Tegan (the woman had a rather gaudy sense of fashion), another to Ace (anarchist, I supposed, lots of weapons and punk rock clothing), and Romana (an alien, apparently), and Susan and Carol, who seemed to be living mentally in the 1960's. A couple men's bedrooms were also discovered along the way, some guy named Ian, and another by the name of Roary (the weirdo owned a Roman soldier costume).

Past all this, and a little room with plants and a fountain, I came across the bowling alley.

As a private one lane, it was pretty sweet. Bar, big screen televisions over the lane, perfect glistening hardwood floor, smoothly functioning ball return and pin setter. A pair of fine leather sofas and a low table, custom bowling balls that probably cost two hundred dollars apiece.

The robot head ball was my favorite, but it was heavier than any bowling ball I'd ever lifted, so I opted for another that appeared to be Thomas Jefferson's laundry list with a key on top of it.

Not wanting to get killed by Quarks, I just bowled for twenty minutes, stopping every so often to mix beverages with fruit juice and club soda at the bar or go to the bathroom, a second one conveniently located in the same room.

When I reached the ninth frame, I saw Clara marching zombie-like up to my sofa. Her eyes were glassy and she had a gun like they used in cowboy movies clutched by her side.

"Hello?" I said. "Is everything all right?"

Without a word, she shot me twice in the chest, then once point blank in the head.