It's an Odd Coincidence

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognize.

LadyGreySun: Hey! It's good to see you again! Obviously Victor does not consider himself to be a comic book character ;). It would be funny if he ever did see himself in a graphic novel though. Thanks for the review.

Amba gurl: Well, for Victor and Saruman, we'll have to see ;). Although, if the two of them ever got into an argument, I know exactly which one I'd put my money on, and it's not the guy with claws. Thanks for the review.

Partypony: Thanks. The chapters will definitely keep on coming; I feel bad if I don't update.

Thanks also to Vballmania23 and Mf, and to everyone else who reviewed. I really appreciate it.

Chapter 36: Of Beer and a Palantir

For someone who had caused so much trouble, Saruman really didn't look all that impressive. In fact, Logan was rather disappointed. For one, he couldn't see the wizard properly. He had great hearing and a great sense of smell, but he did not have telescopic vision, which was a pity, really, because that had to be useful. Secondly, he had expected someone of epic proportions, more like the 'bell-rock' than…well, Gandalf, at least from what he could see, which, admittedly, wasn't very much.

"What does he look like?" whispered Logan.

"Long white beard, high forehead, pointed nose, robes which change colour whenever I look at them from a different angle," said Legolas.

"He's got a Technicolor Cloak?" asked Logan.

"I do not know what you mean," said the elf.

"Never mind," said the Wolverine. "Broadway references are wasted on you."

Saruman might not have looked like much, but as soon as he heard the corrupted wizard's voice, the Wolverine began to get an inkling of why people were still wary of him, even though he was virtually powerless by now.

"I have been waiting for you," said Saruman. His voice rang out clearly across the razed landscape and echoed as if he was standing in a stone chamber with a high domed roof and they were all in there with him. The tones washed over them; it was so rich and smooth. If Logan had been poetically inclined, he would have compared Saruman's voice with crimson satin, or maybe the beer he had back at Bree, which had been absolutely heavenly. Right now, he was of the opinion that the wizard was probably an excellent hypnotist; actually, he could take out the 'probably' part. Saruman was definitely a good hypnotist. Logan almost wanted to nod in agreement to everything he said. However, the Wolverine had had quite a bit of experience with people who liked to fiddle with the minds of others, and he didn't take well to people who played with his head. "Do you not remember how Rohan and Isengard have always been allies, Théoden? There is no reason why this matter cannot be settled diplomatically. The alliance can be renewed, and together, we shall hold out against the forces of Mordor and bring peace to Middle Earth."

The King of Rohan hesitated. Uncertainty was obvious. He, like many of the others, were being seduced by the sound of that voice. Why wasn't Gandalf doing anything to stop it? Could Gandalf do anything to stop it. Then, just as Logan was about to do something himself, Théoden took a deep breath and jerked out of the trance he had been in. "There will be no peace with you, Saruman!" he declared. "You must answer for your crimes! And while I still have breath in my body, I will not stop until I have brought you to justice and made you answer for the men, women and children whose blood stain the stones of Helm's Deep!"

"Answer? To whom?" sneered the wizard. Here was the epitome of condescension, and the disdain which he could detect in Saruman's voice jerked Logan out of the trance he seemed to have fallen into without even realizing it. "To you? If that is what you think, then you are sorely mistaken, for I would not deign to sit as down as equals with an old fool of a king who cannot even guard his own borders and the kingdom which has been handed down to him by his forebears. You are a lesser son of greater predecessors, Théoden, son of Thengel!."

Swords were drawn, claws were extended, arrows were put to bows and teeth were bared. The only problem was that it was unlikely that anyone could actually get to Saruman, unless someone decided to climb up the tower. Now, there was an idea.

"Why aren't we inside?" he whispered to Boromir.

"Do you really think Saruman would have left the door unlocked?" the Gondorian whispered back. Good point. "And before you even mention it, Logan, I doubt that even you can scale the walls of Orthanc. As your friend, I would rather you did not try, for your own safety."

"Abseiling is one of the least risky things I've tried," said Logan, "and Victor looks like he's gonna do it."

"You won't answer to him, will you, Saruman?" growled the Sabretooth. His hands, usually hidden by gloves, were bared now, and so were his claws, still stained with the blood of unfortunate orcs, but undoubtedly sharp. "Then you answer to me!"

"Ah, the beast has returned to his tamer," said Saruman. Logan sucked in a breath through his teeth. Victor would not have liked that, and he had some idea of what an angry Sabretooth was capable of. He just wasn't sure what Victor would do when he realized that there was no way he could get to Saruman. Whatever it was, it wasn't going to be pretty. Actually, they weren't going to find out because Logan wasn't going to let Victor's vendetta mess things up. He reached over and grabbed his brother by the arm. Victor whipped around. Logan had never seen so much hate all concentrated in one face before, and he had seen a lot of hatred over the years. Of course, Victor was the best hater. He'd had years to perfect it.

"Steady on," Logan whispered.

"No one crosses me and gets away with it," snarled Victor. Obviously, he didn't care whether people saw him like this or not. Revenge was the only thing that mattered to him. "No one, Jimmy, you got it?"

"I got it," said Logan. He realized that he was sounding a bit patronizing, like a teacher, or, God forbid, a shrink. "But just wait. I'm sure Gandalf will deal with it."

"We come not for retribution, Saruman, but to offer you a chance for redemption!" called Gandalf. Logan cringed. Well, his assurance had just fallen flat, and Victor's expression had become more murderous, if that was even possible. How did that guy keep his teeth so white?

"Redemption?" demanded Victor, just as one of the Rohirrim warriors had been about to protest. "There is no redemption for him!"

"Quiet!" hissed Logan. And people said that he was a bad diplomat? Victor was much worse. "You're not helping. It's not like you can get up that tower anyway—or do you know a secret way in, because if you do, I'll go with you and we'll sort it out." Everyone heard that, although, much to Gandalf's merit, the wizard ignored the two brothers completely and continued to cajole and negotiate. Others looked rather enthusiastic about Logan's proposed plan of action. Gimli was one of them.

"There will be no 'sorting it out'," whispered Aragorn, who had noticed the rush of excitement and was wasting no time in putting an end to that little fantasy. "As much as I would like to see Saruman pay for what he has done, we must not be so short-sighted. There is a reason for all of this; I guarantee it. Gandalf never does anything without reason."

"I don't give a damn what that wizard is thinking," growled Victor. "I want—"

"Yes, I know what you want," said Logan, cutting Victor off in mid-sentence. "However, we don't always get what we want. That's a fact of life, Victor. There are lives at stake."

"Do I look like I care?"

"Well, you should, because if this whole thing goes to pot, believe me, you're going down with the rest of us. I'll make damn sure of it." Victor was a man who looked to his own interests, and Logan knew that his brother knew that it wouldn't be in his best interests to make the Wolverine his enemy. After all, only one clawed brother had the adamantium skeleton. If they were to fight, well, Logan knew who would win. There was absolutely no doubt about it. He had never claimed that humility was one of his virtues.

"I know what it is that you seek, Gandalf," said Saruman. "You wish to know what I know. To see the plans of the Dark Lord himself!"

"Then you are mistaken, Saruman," said Gandalf, "for I have come to neither kill you nor interrogate you. Freedom is yours, should you choose. Surrender your staff and the keys to Orthanc. Share what you will, if you do know anything, but I shall not force you to speak."

"Freedom?" scoffed Saruman. "There must be conditions, then? And what sort of fool do you take me to be? Does a man open his door to robbers who would strip him of everything he owned?"

"Then stay in there if you so wish," said Gandalf.

"You forget that you have no power over me!" cried Saruman. His voice had become like thunder. "Who do you think you are? I am the head of our order!"

"You were," corrected Gandalf. "Not anymore." He raised his staff and all of a sudden, he was more than just an old man. He looked powerful —which he probably was. Logan could feel something, like electricity gathering in the air around him for absolutely no discernible reason. It was confusing, and more than just a little unnerving. While he had dealt with many mutant powers before, all this wizard and magic stuff was still relatively new and it could not be explained by genetics—not that he understood genetics, but genetics was a better explanation than absolutely nothing. "Saruman, your staff is broken!" Light flashed, and there was a loud crack which sounded so much like a gunshot that Logan forgot that he was in a world where guns were unheard of and leapt on the person next to him ­—Boromir­— to knock him to the ground in order to avoid the non-existent machine-gun fire.

The two men landed with a splash in the muddy water below. The sudden noise, the light and the abrupt actions of the Wolverine were more than the horses could bear. Panicked squeals and whinnies erupted, adding to the chaos. The animals reared and tried to flee. The situation was less than ideal, mainly because Logan and Boromir were on the ground whilst the horses were beginning to stampede. The two men scrambled up, only to be almost knocked over again by a bolting horse.

"What's going on?" demanded the Gondorian.

"Sorry, it was a case of mistaken location!" Logan shouted above the din. "I thought it was gunfire!"

"What fire? There's water all around us! Nothing can burn!"

"Never mind! It's too complicated! Damn, this is messy!" With the help of the horse whisperer —in the form of a certain elven prince— and a lot of Rohirrim, the horses finally managed to calm down, while Saruman watched passively from above.

"Do you really think that this rabble can hold out against the forces of Mordor?" corrupted wizard asked. The contempt in his voice was obvious, but somehow, he still managed to make it sound smooth, in an unpleasant way, like an oil slick. "Surely, Gandalf, you have not fallen so far into folly that you believe a few herdsmen, two animals with claws and a ranger and a bedraggled company of representatives from fading kingdoms can possibly pose a threat to the power of the Dark Lord? You may have won this battle, but there is still a war to be fought."

"And do you really think we have become such fools that we would listen to the venom spilling from your mouth?" Gimli shouted back. At last, someone else other than Victor had lost his temper. Frankly, Logan thought that it was about time because that meant he would be able to lose his temper as well and this time, it wouldn't just be him and Victor.

"What concern do you have Rohan, Gimli, Gloin's son?" asked Saruman. "Your people hide in their caves, digging for rocks and crafting petty trinkets, caring and knowing about nothing in the outside world."

"That's it!" shouted Logan. "I've had enough of him!"

"You and me, Jimmy, we're gonna take him down!" snarled Victor.

"Nobody is going up into that tower!" said Gandalf. "Saruman is a broken foe. He cannot harm anyone anymore. The last thing we need is chaos on our hands. There are more important battles ahead. Stop behaving like children. If my hair was not already white, you would make it white!"

"Then we'd just buy hair dye to make up for it," said Logan. "I apologize, Gandalf. I just don't take well to people callin' me an animal."

"Who does?" asked Gandalf. "But rash actions may lead to further disasters, and that is something we cannot risk. Remember that. It might help. Or not."

"I don't see how killing Saruman of the Rainbow Robes is gonna create a disaster, diplomatic or otherwise," grumbled Logan. "I mean, he's been divested of his power now and there is nothing he can do to us."

"I would not be so certain," said Gandalf. "Be wary of him. There might be a few tricks he has not revealed." He had not even finished speaking when something hurtled down from above. The projectile, whatever it was, barely missed Gandalf's head. It fell with a splash into the muddy water at their feet and then settled at the bottom with a solid "thunk". For a while, everyone stared at the place where that thing had landed. There was some trepidation about picking it up. Who knew what sort of sorcery Saruman could be using? However, nothing happened. It was probably just a rock. Or maybe a large paperweight.

"If that's his hidden trick, then you needn't have worried," said Logan.

"No, that was not Saruman," said Gandalf. "No matter how desperate he is, he would never resort to throwing things. It is beneath him."

"I believe that was our old friend Grima Wormtongue," said Legolas. "What did he throw?"

"Why don't you pick it up and see what it is?" asked Logan.

"Why are you not picking it up?" challenged the elf.

"I'm not afraid if that's what you mean," said Logan. With that, he reached down into the water even while Aragorn was objecting to this obviously rash decision. The Wolverine's hand made contact with something round, hard and smooth. And heavy. "It's a...crystal ball." It wasn't just any crystal ball. There was something so alluring about it, so intriguing and attractive. Logan didn't know why, but he just wanted to stare into the crystal's centre. Nothing else seemed to matter...

Someone snatched the crystal from his hands, pulling him out of his trance. With a speed which belied his age, Gandalf wrapped up the ball in a piece of fabric, possibly someone's cloak, and stowed it away within the folds of his voluminous robes. "What is it?" asked Logan. "What did you do that for?"

"That is no mere trinket, Master Logan," said Gandalf. "It is dangerous." Logan raised an eyebrow at that, but decided that he had probably caused enough trouble for the day. Apart from it being able to cause head fractures when it was lobbed at someone's head accurately, Logan didn't see how the crystal ball was dangerous at all.

With Saruman powerless and safely locked in his tower, the company saw fit to explore. "Logan?" said Merry. The Wolverine had been so occupied with his questions about the pretty crystal ball that he hadn't heard the hobbit approaching him. "Didn't you say you wanted to loot the stores?"

"Oh, yeah," said Logan. "I'm starvin'." That was true. Ever since their very meagre breakfast, he hadn't eaten and his stomach's complaints were getting louder and more persistent.

"That's good then, because Pippin and I have decided that you and the others deserve a nice hobbit-style lunch, and although we have already eaten, there's no harm in keeping you company," said the Brandybuck.

"It's good to see that your adventures haven't robbed you of your appetite, young Master Brandybuck," said Gimli.

"Your adventures didn't make you lose your appetites," Merry pointed out. "Why should our appetites be any different? Besides, hobbits have the best appetites."

"And we certainly never say 'no' to meals," said Pippin. "I really don't mind if we had to eat all day long. Come now! Lunch awaits!"

"You sound like my mother," said Logan.

"Do you even remember your mother?" asked Legolas.

"No, but I expect she would sound something like this," said Logan. "Doesn't your mother ever tell you to hurry up and eat your food?"

"No," said Legolas with a wistful smile. "Then again, I was never too selective about my food and I would always eat it quickly. There was always so much for a child to do and I, not having the patience to do one thing at a time, insisted on doing everything at once. My mother was always telling me to slow down."

"I am glad to know that I am not the only one who thinks you behave as if you are on fire and need to get away from it," said Gimli.

"Oh, no, my friend," said the elf. "I have already slowed down considerably, for your sake."

"Really? What about when we were running after the orcs across the Plains of Rohan?" asked Boromir. "As I recall, you were but a speck in the distance and always telling us mere mortals to hurry up."

"I am not to blame if you are extraordinarily slow," said the elf with a grin. "And now, I shall have to tell you to hasten along once more. I am certain I am not the only one who has need of nourishment."

"While that's all very nice," said Logan, "I think we might have to invite someone else to come along with us. Just give me one minute."

"Who are you inviting?" asked Pippin.

"My brother."

"But you do not enjoy his company," said Aragorn, looking confused as to why Logan would want to do such a thing.

"That's true, but I'll be damned if I leave him to his own devices," said Logan. "I don't trust him."

Logan was surprised that Victor agreed to come without a fuss. In fact, his brother had given him one of those unpleasant toothy grins, which, admittedly, was not always a good sign. Still, with the Wolverine keeping an eye on him, things could not possibly go that badly.

"There are no fresh vegetables," said Merry ruefully, "but there are a lot of dried meat and fruit."

"And the bread's a little stale but as toast, it will taste fine," added Pippin. "Besides, we found the most important thing."

"What is that, pray tell?" said Gimli.

"Beer!" cried Pippin. "It's not a brew that can be compared with the Green Dragon's, of course, but no beer can compare to the Green Dragon's, unless it's Butterbur's."

"Butterbur had the best beer I'd ever tasted," said Logan.

"You drink cheap beer," said Victor. "I'd think that most beer is better than the beer you usually drink."

"I do not drink cheap beer," said Logan. "Budweiser is...affordable."

"Cheap," reiterated Victor. "It's glorified, carbonated water." Pippin made a face at that.

"I would not drink that," said the Took.

"He's exaggerating!" protested Logan. "If it was just glorified water, then I'd get it from the tap, but I can't. Besides, some people like it because it doesn't taste so bitter."

"Ah, but the bitterness is part of the reason why we enjoy beer," said Merry. "It leaves a clear sweetness at the back of your throat after you swallow it."

"I know that," said Logan. "I never said I liked those un-bitter beers."

"But you pay for it," pointed out Pippin. "Why would you pay for something you didn't like? Ah, here we are!"

They were in a large round stone chamber filled with baskets, dusty jars, and large wooden barrels. Light came in from narrow windows cut high up in the curved wall. It filtered down in distinct shafts, illuminating the motes of dust floating in the air. There were some smaller barrels in the corner, and they were the things which interested Gimli and Aragorn the most. "I am not dreaming, am I?" asked the dwarf.

"If you are dreaming, then we are having the same dream," said Aragorn. He sniffed with much appreciation. "I have not smelled such fine weed in a long time."

"It is divine!" breathed Gimli.

"It is foul and I do not understand why men and dwarves and hobbits poison themselves with the smoke of burning leaves," said Legolas, wrinkling his nose.

"It does not appeal to me either," said Boromir. "The scent is too strong."

"Then we shall ensure that you never get so much as a whiff of our smoke," said Gimli without turning back to look at them. He and Aragorn were too busy examining the contents of the pipeweed barrels. "Why waste perfectly good smoke on people who do not appreciate it?"

A/N: I'm afraid my plot bunny wasn't very cooperative this week and we didn't get to do much with Victor's evil plans, but we'll get there sometime in the near future, I hope. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and that you didn't mind the overwhelming amount of dialogue.