A/N: As promised, here's the next chapter and second part of the meeting. This contains some tough and maybe disturbing information (but nothing really graphic) - so be warned!

This Is Not A Drill – Thirty-Six

They took a short break after that, letting the hotel staff remove the left overs from lunch and providing fresh beverages. When they were alone again, they regrouped on the sofa and in the armchairs, Jane making sure to maneuver everything so he'd end up sharing the two seater with Lisbon. He expected to require her moral support for the information to come and the physical proximity gave him additional strength.

Lisbon sensed his need and even though she was not a fan of public displays, she didn't mind the arm he put around her and decided that it was completely alright to snuggle into him this once. He'd done an admirable job again of being in control and yet displaying an openness that invited to be returned. She wasn't sure whether she would've been so accommodating had she been in his shoes. Instead of making it hard on Stambridge to tell her story, he'd done his best to put her at ease while still maintaining a certain distance to protect himself and keep his options open on how to deal with what he would find out.

And Lisbon was amazed at what she was learning about her partner and his past yet again. He had shared bits and pieces before but it had been too little information to form a real picture. Now she felt like more and more parts were falling into place. With it, her understanding of what made Patrick Jane tick grew too, and, if even possible, so did her love for the man he'd managed to become despite the less than ideal hand he'd been dealt.

"So, Alex lured you in by playing on your insecurities and vulnerable state following the loss of your mother," Jane summarized what Stambridge had revealed so far. "What happened then?"

Kathryn sighed. "He introduced me to Sean Barlow and I was offered a kind of test session with him. I would only have to pay for it if I thought it worth it. I couldn't resist the temptation. And I fell for it. Completely. I still only have a vague idea how he did it, but he was so convincing, seemed to know all these private things that no one but mom and I had shared. For a while there, I truly thought, I was speaking to her."

She looked utterly embarrassed. "For the next days I went back as often as I could and gave them practically all the money I had - my college fund included. But since I felt so lost anyway and had no real plan to attend one, it didn't matter at the time. The urge to be with mom just a while longer was so much stronger and made me feel better – or so I thought. And Alex was there too, all charming and seemingly understanding. By the time the carnival was about to leave Kansas City, I was convinced that traveling with them would not only allow me to keep talking to mom who I was made to believe supported my decision, but that Alex would make sure, I could begin my acting career on the road. He told me, it was the perfect setting to start. That they'd be joined by a traveling theater soon and that he had contacted the manager who was eager to accept me in." Stambridge shook her head, an expression of self-loathing that Lisbon found all too familiar, settling on her face.

"I have no idea how I could've been that idiotic, really. I thought, I'd just hit the jackpot when Alex invited me to stay in his trailer home with him. I packed my stuff and went with him. And at first it was pretty nice. He was charming and pretended to be really interested in me. He…" she paused and cast a pleading sideways glance at her husband who immediately took her hand and squeezed it gently.

After a deep breath, she continued, "Alex was the first man I was ever intimate with. I was really very naïve. My mom… Well, my father had been mom's one true love and she never had a boyfriend in all the years after his death. And even though I had been told about the birds and the bees, my knowledge was only technical. I had no idea about the emotional side of things, about gentleness, consideration. About sharing the joy. So I didn't question things when the sex wasn't that pleasurable for me. I had a huge crush on Alex and he seemed so sophisticated and strong and sure about himself. And I wanted him to like me despite my inexperience. I went along with whatever he wanted, to please and impress him. I just accepted that this was how it's supposed to be."

Kingston had a look of fury on his face and there was no doubt in Lisbon's mind that, would he ever meet Alexander Jane, there would be blood. Stambridge, however, seemed ashamed of herself while her daughter was alternating between empathy with her mother and loathing her brother's father. Lisbon turned her head to take in her partner and was worried at what she saw. Jane was looking down in his lap and looked guilty. "Jane, no," she hissed angrily.

All eyes were suddenly directed at him. He looked up. "What?"

"Don't you dare blaming yourself for this," Lisbon scolded him.

"But he… I…" Jane stammered. "I was begotten that way… and…"

Lisbon interrupted him, "I'm pretty sure, you have never treated a woman like that. Hell, I know you haven't. I know you. And you're not accountable for your father's deeds. Besides, your mother might have been young and naïve but she was an adult. She made her own decisions."

"She's right," Kingston chimed in. "Your father's a nasty bastard and if he ever has the misfortune of encountering me, he'll regret it," he went on, the barely contained rage turning his voice to ice, "But that's on him. The very fact that you feel guilty shows better than anything else how different from him you are." He took a deep breath and gave his wife's hand another reassuring squeeze. "I love Kathryn and I've known about this part of her past for a long time. I'm very protective of her but I'm also aware of her mistakes. And even though Alex deceived her and hurt her, I won't make excuses for her behavior and neither does she."

Stambridge had tears running down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it look like I'm trying to gain your pity. And the last thing I want is for you, Patrick, to blame yourself for any of this. That's…" she shook her head vehemently, "That you can even think for a second that you're at fault here… It just… It pains me so much to realize that you must have blamed yourself for all of this for most of your life. That you…" she swallowed heavily, "that you have had to live with that on top of everything else." She was crying openly now but her voice was firm when she stated, "It's never been your fault. Never. You didn't make me leave. You were the most beautiful, loving, kind, and smart child anyone could ever hope for. And despite everything, despite the fact that I did make myself blame you at some point in order to make it possible for me to leave, it's never been true. Not for a second. And I could never regret creating you. You are precious."

"Yeah, just not precious enough to want to have around," Jane mumbled, barely audible.

Stambridge shook her head violently. "No. It was never about you, always about me," she stated emphatically. "Maybe… I'll tell you how it all happened, okay? Why I left. Maybe you'll understand then."

Jane nodded.

"Okay, so I was actually feeling a lot better at first, traveling with the carnival. Happy, even. Barlow continued to fake contacting my mother, and instead of dealing with my grief, I kind of pretended that she was still there with me. And Sean had her tell me all the right things to keep me believing that my relationship with Alex was what true love felt like." She sighed and her annoyance with her past self was all too obvious. "I accepted excuse after excuse for why there was still no sign of that theater company joining us and my blind faith in him went as far as ignoring all the hints I got that something was definitely not as it should be."

The actress had a wordless exchange with her husband who got up and returned with a glass of water for her a moment later. "Thanks, darling," she said, casting a grateful look at her spouse. She took a mouthful of the cool liquid and went on, "There were some decent people traveling with us and though they kept to the carnie code of honor and didn't outright give away the con of a member of the community, they did try to warn me. I especially recall a teenaged boy, a huge bear of a lad but as gentle as a cuddly kitten, who approached me repeatedly and suggested strongly that carnie and theater folks don't mix."

"Sounds like something Pete would do," Jane chipped in quietly, a fond expression on his face.

"Yes, that was his name," Stambridge concurred. "His family had all sorts of animals. I really liked their elephant."

Now it was Lisbon who chimed in, "Daisy?" she asked with a small smile.

Stambridge confirmed that too. "Yes. Wow. I wouldn't have remembered the name but now that you mentioned it, that's what she was called. You've met her?"

Lisbon grinned. "Oh, yeah. Fed her too. She's such a darling."

"She's getting a bit long in the tooth, but she's still doing well or so Pete tells me," Jane provided. "Still loves her apples."

"You're in contact with Pete?" his mother inquired. "Could you… maybe… I mean, if, after today you're still willing to… Could you give him my best? He was a good friend even though he was just a boy back then. And he loved to play with you even when you were only a tiny baby. You two together - that was a sight!"

"I'll tell him 'hi' from you," Jane promised.

"Thank you," Stambridge said sincerely and took another sip of water before she went on, "So, well, I didn't really open my eyes to the truth until one of Alex's many flimsy excuses had me ask the head of the carnival outright when the theater company would join us. He laughed at me for five minutes straight and told me, I was a complete fool to fall for something like that."

A silent tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I was heartbroken at first. I couldn't believe that Alex had lied to me. I had truly trusted him." She sighed deeply. "And then I fell for his crap a second time. When I confronted him, he was apologetic and pretended to be sorry. Told me that he'd only lied because he'd fallen in love with me so much and had seen no other way to make me come with him." She shook her head and snorted. "Can you believe it? How can someone be so blind and dumb? After all the lies, I forgave him and even felt a bit flattered that a man like him would be so enamored with a girl like me. I was disappointed about the theater thing, yes. Because I wanted to act. That was my deepest wish. But his betrayal I accepted as some kind of romantic gesture."

"You were young," her husband tried to comfort her. "Young and gullible."

"Yes. And utterly stupid," Stambridge said with self-contempt. "Let's be honest. And it got worse. Alex's next scheme was to make me believe that he was willing to leave the carnival and help me to get into acting for real. That was also his excuse when I caught him and some of his shady friends red-handed with their haul from them picking the pockets of the carnival guests. He said, he'd only done it for me. To save money for my acting career. And yes, I believed him. I made it clear that I didn't want him to do that ever again and he promised me that this had been the first and last time. Of course, silly me accepted that, yes, he was a bit misguided but he had his heart in the right place." She snorted and looked deeply ashamed.

"He's a professional conman, Kathryn," Jane offered gently. "You were only a girl, barely an adult. And vulnerable. Believe me, there are people who should've known way better who still fell for his lies. You were also involved with him which made it personal to boot. Stop beating yourself up over this. Trust me, I know his methods. Hell, I had outstripped him at this game before I had even reached adulthood. I never made it personal like he did with you. But I could have, I'm sure. As one of my law enforcement colleagues has put it, I could sell cats to mice. If you know what makes someone tick, manipulating them is, unfortunately, not that difficult."

The actress cast a small, hesitant smile in his direction. "Thanks, Patrick. I… Hearing that, helps."

Jane acknowledged her words with a nod.

"Another month or so went by," Stambridge continued, "and I asked Alex all the time how and when and where we would leave the show. But he never had anything concrete to offer. I got impatient and said, I would leave alone and try on my own soon. He didn't like that. At all. And he made his displeasure at me known. He came back drunk from some poker game and he… well…" Tears started to fall freely and Kingston who knew what was coming, put his arm around his wife and handed her a tissue. "He… he kind of forced himself on me that night."

Jane jumped up at that and started to pace, anger and sadness battling for dominance on his face. He came to a halt in front of the huge panorama window that was located behind the table where they'd taken their lunch. He stood, his back to the other occupants of the room, staring outside with unseeing eyes. "I'm the product of rape," he stated quietly, voice devoid of any discernible emotion. "I'm the fucking product of rape," he repeated a bit more forcefully but more to himself than to anyone else. Lisbon shuddered at his ice-cold tone and choice of words, so unlike him. She was just pondering whether to join him and offer comfort when Stambridge spoke up.

"Please, Patrick, no," his mother protested. "It wasn't a real rape. It wasn't that different from other times. It's just that… I didn't want to be with him when he was drunk and he wasn't particularly gentle. And he told me, he was disappointed in me for betraying our love by wanting to leave him."

"Don't sugarcoat it," Jane retorted angrily. "You said no and he fucked you anyway. That's rape. Period."

"I have to agree with Patrick," Kingston interjected cautiously.

Stambridge followed her son's example and got up forcefully. She took a few steps in Jane's direction but kept her distance. "No," she stated firmly. "I refuse to look at the night in which my child was conceived as rape. I never have and I never will. Yes, he used some force but he'd done that before, just not quite like that. And I understood a while later that it was about power, not about love as he claimed at the time. But you are not the product of rape, Patrick."

"If it makes it easier for you to live with," Jane said coldly, "but in my eyes what he did is the definition of rape. That he did it on a regular basis only makes it worse." His shoulders sagging he added quietly, "No wonder, you left me."

"It wasn't because of that," Kathryn exclaimed desperately. "There's a lot more to that story. Please, Patrick."

Lisbon could no longer sit and watch the picture of complete defeat her partner was looking like, head hanging, lacking any kind of muscle tension. She got up and joined Jane by the window. "Jane?" she whispered, careful not to spook him. She saw a lone teardrop rolling down his cheek and felt her heart breaking.

She wasn't sure he was aware of her presence, so trapped did he seem to be in his world of pain and sadness. It made her feel a helpless rage growing inside of her and a strong urge to hurt Alexander Jane. A lot.

Shoving aside her anger, she lifted her hand slowly, making sure that it crossed his line of sight on the way to his neck where she started to play gently with his curls. He stiffened at first, even flinched a bit, but she didn't stop. Little by little she felt him relax and a couple of minutes later, he turned in her direction and let her pull him into a firm hug.

Lisbon held him tightly and noticed how he calmed down, his nose buried in her hair, letting the familiar scent of her as well as their physical closeness comfort him. He released her but before he could step too far away, she cradled his cheeks between her palms and looked deep into his eyes. "I love you, Patrick Jane. More than I can express with words. And no matter what the circumstances, I'm so damn glad that you came to exist," she said in her most gentle, but also most determined tone that did not tolerate disagreement.

A small smile appeared on his lips. "Thank you," he replied warmly, voice a little husky.

For once Lisbon ignored the other people present and pulled Jane's head down to meet him in a deep kiss which she hoped would convey all the feelings she couldn't verbalize. He was the one who broke it before they could get lost in it – aware of their audience.

Stambridge cleared her throat, obviously trying very hard to get rid of a lump in it. She looked distraught and woeful, but Lisbon saw something resolved in the way the older woman held her shoulders. "I fully agree with Teresa," she finally stated, her voice surprisingly firm. "I could never regret conceiving you, Patrick, though I would wish for the circumstances to have been different. And no matter what, when I held you in my arms for the first time, there was nothing but pure joy in me. I want you to know that, Patrick. No, not know it. I want you to try to feel it. In your heart. Because it's the truth. And that truth is hidden somewhere in your subconscious mind too."

Jane nodded but his shoulders were still slumped and he had his eyes downcast. "Jane," Lisbon said very gently, "Your mother is telling all of this from her position in life now. But you shouldn't forget that she felt differently back then when she was still in that situation. Yes, true – it's because she didn't know any better. But what happened back then did not feel entirely wrong to her and because of that she felt more or less like a willing party. That does not make what Alex did right but it was your mother's perspective at the time." In a much more determined tone she added, "I'm sure, with what Kathryn knows today, she would've kicked him in the crotch. Cut off his nuts and been done with that asshole."

He looked up with a small grin, brows raised. "Cut off his nuts? Really, Lisbon?"

"He sure deserved it," Lisbon retorted sternly but she couldn't keep a straight face for long. With a wink she added, "But then again, I'm glad, he had them long enough to make you."

She took his hand and led him back to the sofa. They both sat down, their hands still entwined. "I'm ready to hear the rest of your story now," Jane told Stambridge who had retaken her seat too.

Kathryn signaled her willingness to continue with a nod. "But try to keep in mind what Teresa just said. My words today are affected by what I've experienced during the past 40 years. I'm not the person today that I was when I was in my early 20s. And I'm not overly fond of the girl I was back then. I regret what I did so much, I'm ashamed of the person I used to be, and it's clouded my judgment for a long time," she admitted. "I…" she went on haltingly, "I… I suppose, I've never really forgiven myself for it. And though George's love and having Olivia has helped a lot, I never…" She shook her head and wiped away a few tears rather forcefully. "Sorry. This is for you and for giving you closure. But…"

"Look at me," Jane requested. "Please, Kathryn." When she had done as he had asked, he stated, "I still mean what I said early. Even if I give you my absolution, it's not gonna help unless you forgive yourself first. I can't take away that guilt. I already have a fairly good idea where this is leading because so far, it's actually not too different from the version Alex told me. Well, the plain facts at least. And hearing it from your point of view shows me that you were very much a victim in this. But that's my head talking. In my heart deep down, I will always bear the mark of being abandoned by my mother. And I can't erase that, though it does not define me anymore. But it's formed me. And that is something that will stay with me because it's a part of who I am. We both can't undo the past. But we can accept that it's shaped us and led us here today."

He sighed. "I'm known to be a selfish bastard, but believe me when I say that I have no problem with this," he motioned between them, "with this helping both of us to find some closure. I think, living with your guilt and shame for 40 years is more than enough punishment. You've built a beautiful family and you've done right by your daughter, that much is obvious. And though it hurts me to know that I was not allowed to have that too, it still counts."

The corners of Stambridge's mouth went up a little and her eyes shone not only with wetness but with something else too. "I know, I have no right to feel that way, no right at all, but I'll accept the meaning of your words to imply that, in my own, ignoble way, I have contributed to you being the person you are today and I must say, I couldn't be prouder. You're a wonderful human being, Patrick. I don't deserve to call myself your mother but I would be incredibly proud to do so."

Jane looked down shyly and mumbled, "Meh, I have my moments, I suppose…."

Lisbon bumped her shoulder gently against his and teased, "You do, you know? More often than you think. You're really not so bad when you're not being a pain in the ass, which is also more often than you think." She chuckled and bumped him again.

"Have to keep you on your toes, Lisbon. You fell in love with a pain in the ass and I wouldn't want you to feel cheated," he teased back.

"Wouldn't want it any other way," Lisbon admitted, her cheeks coloring a bit.

They all had another cup of their preferred beverages and then Stambridge continued her tale. "When I found out that I was pregnant, I didn't know what to feel at first. I mean, it certainly didn't fit into my plans and I had started to develop more and more doubts about what was going on around me. I had no concrete proof but I did notice that there was no way Alexander was making his money entirely legally. He had no real act or anything, and while he helped out around the carnival and was responsible for finding customers for his friend Barlow, that couldn't be his only source of income. Not that he made much money, mind you. And most went into gambling. But still, we did get by somehow and I couldn't contribute since that theater group never showed up."

She swallowed. "So, well, seeds of doubt were there and before I found out about the pregnancy, I had plans to leave, as I told you earlier. Expecting a child changed everything and I admit that I was not happy. We had used condoms but I knew that those aren't 100% safe, and I had been raised to accept responsibility for my actions. But the sense of responsibility soon changed into joy when I felt you growing inside of me. The fist time I felt you move, I was so happy, I can't describe it." A huge smile spread on her face at the memory.

"I just missed having someone around to share the moment with because Alex took no real interest. He treated me better, if you want. Or rather, he left me alone for the most part. And the other carnies still considered me an outsider, so I had no close friends. But what I really wished for was for my mom to know that she'd be a grandma." She shook her head. "Of course, Barlow was suddenly not available for me anymore and I was told time and again that he couldn't offer his services to me anymore. That he needed to be there for his real customers." She made a snort-like sound.

"But it didn't diminish my joy that much," she went on. "I had finally something to do again and when you were born, I had also someone to take care of. I suppose, it was in some ways like getting back into the routine I had had while being there for my sick mother. I felt needed and I had a purpose again and you were such a joy, really. The most beautiful baby boy." Stambridge looked at Jane intently and stated sincerely, "Just like you're the most beautiful man now. Your smile, it's still so much like little Nicky's and that mischievous glint in your eyes too."

Stambridge drank some water before she went on, "I was contented for a while. Alex was busy elsewhere and had no real interest in me anymore and he was not very fatherly to you. But it didn't trouble me that much. I kept the trailer clean, cooked, and most importantly cared for you and I pretty much ignored the rest of what was going on. And it made your father reckless. He was more and more open about what he did, about the cons he pulled and he and those dubious friends of his started to meet in our trailer to plan their break ins. They were all bachelors and I suppose, they appreciated my food and the relatively clean environment." She snorted for real that time.

"Of course, I didn't like what I learned. And knowing that the father of my child was a criminal bothered me when I started to think about it. I come from a family that honors trust and honesty. But I brushed aside those feelings and concentrated on caring for you. And you were my sunshine. You were all smiles and it was easy to see how bright you were. You started talking when you were not even a year old. The first time you called me mommy, I think, I cried for an hour." A silent tear ran down her cheek. "You called yourself 'Icky' at first and that was just the cutest thing."

Stambridge chuckled, a fond expression on her face. Then she got up and went over to a chest of drawers that was located at the opposite wall. Her handbag was sitting on top of it and she produced her wallet from it. After some scrabbling about, she came back to the rest of the party with a piece of paper in her hand. She held it out to Jane who took it and realized that it was a picture. "This was taken by Pete at the Barsocky's place," Stambridge explained.

Lisbon turned her head with great interest and Jane held the photo so that she could look at it together with him. It showed a young Kathryn, sitting on the convertible couch of something that Lisbon had no problem identifying as an Airstream of a very similar model to the one she'd just spent last night in, holding a circa two year old toddler on her lap. Also the young boy – clad only in diapers and a green t-shirt – was easy to recognize by his beaming smile and a mop of unruly blond curls. The tip of his tongue was peeking out in concentration and his eyes had a mischievous glint. He was gorgeous and the sight of the beautiful child made Lisbon's heart miss a beat. There was no doubt that the mother holding him loved him. Her whole demeanor, the expression on her face, everything showed it. Little Patrick, or Nicolas, as he'd been called back then, held a piece of pink makeup in his small but already elegant and rather dexterous fingers and was busy painting stripes and dots on the face of a teenaged girl sitting next to them on the sofa.

"That's Martha, Pete's older sister," Jane told Lisbon. "I don't remember her that well. She married young and she and her husband moved to Ireland when I was maybe eight or so. You have, of course, met her son Roddy and her granddaughter Caitlyn – not under the best of circumstances though."

Jane looked up from the photo and over to his mother. "Could you maybe get me a copy of this?" he asked carefully. "I don't have any pictures of that time in my life. Actually, I have never even seen one. Pete had some but from what I have been told, Alex demanded to get them all and burned them after you left."

"Of course, Patrick. I would give this one to you right away but it's one of the very few I have," Stambridge replied. "And I love it so much."

Dreamily, Lisbon said, "I understand why. It's wonderful. This is so Jane, it's almost uncanny. See? You were a little pain in the ass already back then." She chuckled fondly and touched the cheek of the little boy in the photo reverently. "And look at those cute little toes! God, you were so adorable!"

"No offense, Kathryn," Jane chimed in, obviously slightly embarrassed about his girlfriend gushing over the swaddled version of him, "but the mother in this photo does not look like she's going to leave her child."

"That mother there was not planning to either, Patrick. I told you, I was very happy at first, actually the first two years with you went by as if I was in some dream world. But the moment you started to talk properly which was actually around the time when that picture was taken, Alex began to take an interest in you," Stambridge told him. "And you were so eager to please him. He had not given you the time of day before but when it became obvious how smart you were and how fast you learned, his devious mind started to plot. And you delighted in his attention."

She sighed. "I didn't begrudge you that, just to be clear. Actually, at first I was very happy that your father became a more active part of your life. But when I realized that he had an ulterior motive, it made me angry. And it made it impossible for me to stay in my bubble of joy and ignore what was truly going on around me."

Her expression turned sad. "I didn't like it one bit when I noticed how he made you memorize stuff systematically and when you didn't do what he wanted – and you were a creative, imaginative, curious little tyke with a mind of your own – he was not treating you right. He did not outright physically abuse you, but he was rough and he manipulated you by punishing you with contempt and disdain. And since you craved his approval so much, you obliged. Not always, mind you. Still, it hurt to see him trying to use you for his own goals and when I tried to interfere, he turned against me. And he demanded that I should start training you too. That he had great plans for you and that I had to help either voluntarily or he'd force me to."

Stambridge shed a tear and wiped it away angrily. "The following year everything became more and more of an ordeal. I tried to protect you, tried to let you be the small child you were, but Alex got increasingly more violent and I was afraid of him. He spent progressively more time with you, displayed you to the guests of the carnival, had you impress them as the precocious prodigy even though you hated it, hated people staring at you, because you were actually rather shy around strangers. But people adored you and Alex had a blast with it. And I could do nothing against it. Or I thought, I couldn't."

She lowered her head, shame and sadness clearly visible on her face. "I grew more and more desperate. Nothing was the way I had wanted it to be. I was still no step closer to becoming an actress and my precious child had been more or less taken from me and was being turned into carnival entertainment. I hated it. Hated my life and myself for being such an utter fool."

Jane was about to chime in but Kathryn held her hand up to stop him. "Please, let me finish. I need to get this over with." She swallowed heavily. "I started to make plans. I knew, I had to leave but I had to be careful because it wouldn't be easy to pull it off with a small child." She nodded in Jane's direction, "Yes, my plans included you at that point. I needed money and I had to wait for a good opportunity. I intended to do it when the carnival circuit would be in the vicinity of Los Angeles. We always ended up in that region some time in the fall, on the way to the winter layover in Carson Springs," she explained.

Stambridge's whole poise seemed to shrink in front of them, but with a deep breath, she pulled herself together and sat up straight. "But then something happened. It was just after your third birthday, Patrick. Alex was, as usual, out in the evening, drinking and gambling with his rotten crowd of scum. The night before, he'd been really rough with me and I felt small, ugly, and used and I was in pain. Furthermore, he'd made you perform some mind tricks in front of an audience that day and it had made one of the guests, a young bereaved mother, tell you the sad story about her child dying in some horrible accident. You were deeply distraught and I couldn't calm you down. You were only three years old and you had been completely overburdened with it all. But Alex had praised you afterwards because the poor mother had given him a whole 100 bucks for your stammered words of consolation, about how her child was allegedly happy in the afterlife - words that Alex had drilled into you. And the money you had earned him he was in the process of gambling away without a care in the world while you were crying your eyes out."

It visibly took a lot out of her to continue and they all waited with baited breath, Jane sporting an anxious expression, Lisbon squeezing his hand reassuringly. After a small pause, the actress went on, "You were so upset. I couldn't calm you down and you were asking for your father – the very person that had caused your distress in the first place. I tried to reason with you, told you that your dad would be mad at you for crying because in his world, men, even small ones, weren't allowed to cry and that it was better that he wasn't home with us. But you were adamant that only he knew about death and the afterlife and that he was the only one who could explain it to you and make it all better. So in my desperation I went out to find Alex."

She cleared her throat. "They usually met in Moody-Rudy's trailer for the high stake poker games and that's where I checked first. It was a warm evening, so the door was open and I could hear their loud, drunken voices all the way outside. And I realized right away that they were discussing us."

Stambridge reached frantically for her husband's hand and Kingston took hers between both of his in a gesture of steadfast love and support. Thus fortified, the actress continued her tale. "I heard Barlow boasting how he'd been the one to get Alex his perfect little hausfrau. They all laughed at that. And someone else said, how lucky Alex was that his spawn seemed to turn out to be so useful too. And that's when Alex spoke up and said that that was just an added bonus, the cherry on top of his ultimate plan. That he'd known that he wouldn't be able to retain control over 'that prissy cow' with her high-flying ideas for too long without taking some action."

She was shaking and nearly unable to go on. "He had known that I was about to leave him. And so, as he put it, he'd punctured a condom and forced himself on 'that dimwitted girl'. And now he had a tidy trailer, regular meals, a willing body to jerk off in when he felt like it, and a kid that did his bidding too. And since that stupid woman was so enamored with her offspring, she would never leave him. And with that little brat around, she wouldn't stand a chance to make it as an actress anyway."

She choked on the words, sobs racking her. "They… they all guffawed, patted him on the back, and congratulated him on his ingenuity and I felt like my whole world had ended. I went back to your father's trailer and when you greeted me, still in tears, and complained that I hadn't brought your dad, I looked at you and I suddenly felt such an overwhelming wave of hatred and resentment. It was all your fault. You had destroyed everything. You'd made me give up my dreams, you were keeping me back. And after all I had done for you, I was still not good enough for you and you rather wanted your rotten asshole of a father. I was so angry, so disgusted, so devastated, and desperate. And I ignored your tears. I started packing my things. And when you came to me, obviously sensing how upset I was, and you tried to comfort me, tried to put your small arms around me and make it all better, I shoved you away and left. I just left. You were in hysterics, begging me not to leave, but I just pushed you back, closed and locked the door from the outside and ran."

Stambridge barely managed to force the last words out before she jumped up and tried to get away, obviously unable to face her son in light of what she'd just revealed. Olivia, however, hurried to her side held her back. "No mom," she said gently but insistently. "Don't leave him a second time now."

"But how can I… how can I… how can anyone stand to be in the same room with me right now? I'm a disgusting excuse of a human being," Kathryn stammered brokenly.

"You have to see this through, mom. You've run away from it for so long but now it's time to make a change. Like Patrick said, mom, you have to face and accept what you've done, once and for all. And he is here now, mom. He's not run away. And he does not look disgusted. I think, he looks hurt. And he has a right to look that way. But if you face him now, you'll see that there's more than hurt. I think, there's sympathy too. He deserves that you stay and face him, mom," Olivia pleaded with her mother.

Slowly and with great hesitation, Stambridge turned around. Her downcast eyes glanced tentatively in her son's direction. Lisbon's hand was playing with the curls at his neck, she looked shocked and close to tears, her emerald eyes shiny. Jane's face carried a far away expression but it was hard to discern any clear emotion. He was not disgusted though, that much was clear. He seemed to feel her scrutiny and it brought him back to the there and then. Their gazes met and some kind of understanding was reached between them. "Thank you for your openness and honesty," Patrick said somewhat hoarsely.

"I regretted leaving you almost right away," Kathryn whispered. "I really did. But I didn't allow myself to feel it. I made myself hard. I told myself that you were to blame for my misery. You and your father. Only like that was I able to go through with my escape. I wrote Alex a letter a few months later, to Carson Springs, so I could be sure it would reach him. And told him that if he ever tried to contact me, I'd go to the police and tell them all about his burglaries and other crimes. That I wanted nothing to do with either him or his spawn. And I justified my actions to myself until I started to believe my own lies. It didn't work for that long, but by that time I had already gotten my first role and it was an immediate success and it was like... like the universe was proving me right."

Olivia handed her a tissue and the actress cleaned her face from the tears running down her cheeks. Her daughter led her back to her armchair and her husband put an arm around her the moment she sat down again. "Only," she started again, "only when I began seeing George for real, which was about two years later…" her voice trailed off and she took a moment to center herself, "He had been wooing me all along but after my experience with Alex I wasn't ready for anything like that. Anyway, when we started seeing each other, and only then did I allow myself to look back."

Jane nodded, an expression of understanding on his face.

"But why didn't you go and get your son then?" Lisbon inquired warily.

Kathryn shook her head violently. "I couldn't. I didn't deserve to be his mother. After what I had done to him, I didn't deserve him," she stated emphatically.

Lisbon's expression hardened. "What about him? What about what he deserved? You deprived him of his mother because you didn't deserve him?" she asked incredulously, which made Stambridge look at her like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I…I…" the actress stammered helplessly. "I … I suppose, I never really thought about it that way," she finally conceded. "All I knew was, what a horrible mother I had been, abandoning him like that, leaving him alone with his good-for-nothing father and I knew, he deserved better than me."

Lisbon shook her head and muttered, "I had no idea that the way someone expresses their guilt could be hereditary." She eyed her partner for a short moment with a disbelieving mien before her gaze returned to his mother. "You are both selfish in your shame and guilt. There's a striking resemblance, I must say. Though considering his past, I understand Patrick's way of dealing with guilt a lot better now. And," she squeezed Jane's hand tenderly and gave him a warm smile, "he has truly worked on this whole deserving or not deserving matter."

Her eyes lost some of the warmth when she addressed Stambridge, "I'm trying not to judge because it's not my place. I can understand what happened that night when you left, when you felt, you had to leave. I really do. But I have a hard time accepting that you never went back for him. You fell in love with your husband and he loved you back. You got another child – both things that I suppose, you didn't really feel like you deserved but still, you made no attempt to get your son back. Why?"

"I couldn't," the actress pressed out, "I just couldn't. I… I was so ashamed. I couldn't face it, face him. And I… I always found excuses why it wasn't possible anyway or that it was better the way it was. I told myself that I couldn't just reappear in his life after years of being gone and uproot him. I convinced myself that it was best to leave him in the environment he was used to. But the truth is, Agent Lisbon, the truth is that I was too much of a coward to make it right again. I only tried when Olivia was old enough to be told some of the story and she demanded that I was to contact her brother. My husband had tried to convince me for years but it was only when my daughter insisted. She was seven years old and wanted her big brother."

Stambridge lifted her head and looked her son straight in the eyes. "But then I couldn't find any Nicolas Oliver Stambridge or Jameson. You were 14 years old at that point and I tried everything I could think of to get in contact with you. But that carnie community built a wall of silence. No one knew any Jamesons and even if they did, they wouldn't share your whereabouts. With my high profile, I couldn't look for you personally, but the private investigator I hired found Sean Barlow at Venice Beach where he'd just opened that psychic business of his where he spends the winter months. But the jerk claimed, he had never known anyone named Alex Jameson. The PI even went to Carson Springs but he didn't truly make it onto Stoney Ridge because the carnies wouldn't let him close. He did manage to talk to some people from the circuit but no one knew a boy your age named Nicolas. We just met dead ends everywhere."

She took a mouthful of water, swallowed, then added with downcast eyes, "But at the end of the day these are all feeble excuses. Your partner is right, Patrick. I should've tried harder and, most importantly, earlier. I was too weak, too spineless to face my mistakes and make it right. I threw myself into giving Olivia the best childhood I could and tried to pay my way out of the guilt by supporting charities and by being a good person and friend to the people I had in my life. But it didn't work, of course. The guilt never really went away. And I know that I deserve that."

"No, you don't," Jane stated sincerely. "Look at my, please." She lifted her head and after a long moment of observing her intently, Jane went on, "I am happy, Kathryn Stambridge. I am in love with the most fantastic woman in the world and she returns my feelings. I'm free and healthy, I have a challenging occupation, and I have a future I'm very much looking forward to. I have a lot of regrets of my own but I have chosen to accept that they are all a part of the path that led me to the happy place I am now. Yes, hearing about all of this does hurt but not half as much as I thought it might. I'm a bit surprised at it too but it's the truth of how I feel. I suppose, it's because I'm mostly at peace with myself these days."

He got up and walked over to Stambridge. He knelt down in front of her, took both of her hands into his, and said gently, "Mother, I forgive you."

TBC

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