First of all…I'm alive! So sorry for the extremely long wait for updates from me on anything, I had to focus on this hard semester for my finals. But the good news is I'm done and officially a senior in college! Time really does fly. But anyway, hopefully I'll be far more on track for updates and get back to where I was last summer for them. Hope you enjoy this chapter to begin my summer break :)
It's been six weeks since Caitlyn was born though sometimes it feels a whole lot longer. Not that it's a bad thing, I just can't believe how much my life has changed in just one or two years. Just a year ago right now I was in the Capitol predicting my own death in the Quarter Quell, pretending to be pregnant thanks to Peeta's lie to garner us more sponsors and sympathy. It's sort of ironic now on all aspects, really. I thought I was going to die and most that were in the Quarter Quell or had anything to do with it are, but I'm not. Peeta's not, though I still have no idea what he's really up to since I haven't gathered the courage to call or send a letter. And Gale's certainly not though Snow threatened his death to me for in his mind faking everything with Peeta because I preferred Gale. I'm not entirely sure it was true then though it probably looked like it, but looking back it's almost like Snow could see into the future somehow.
Gale and I still aren't on the best terms, but we're…trying I guess. Neither one of us forgives easily, but I've been trying really hard since I read Peeta's letter to at least forgive myself since that's probably the first step. Not lying to each other helps too, but there's really not much to lie about at the moment since it's so quiet here. The residents of District 12 are slowly trickling back and I think there are some people from District 13 as well that have arrived, but for the most part we just stay in Victor's Village. Or like for the first time today, we're going to the woods with Caitlyn.
"I'm still not sure bringing her is going to be a good idea." Gale worries even as he packs some things in my game bag for me for Caitlyn. I pick her up from her crib where she's sound asleep and hold her as I give him a look.
"It'll be fine. It's not like we're hunting." I protest even though some small part of me knows he's probably right. But even though I know it's selfish, I can't stand not being in the woods anymore. It's been too long and the wait has made me irritable enough as it is. Honestly at the risk of sounding corny, the woods are like oxygen to me and I can't truly be alive without them. And I know Gale feels the same way but he's been sneaking off to the woods even after I couldn't physically walk there anymore, so it hasn't been as bad for him.
"True." He concedes, but the slight frown on his face says he's still not happy about it, overprotective parent he apparently is. I suppose it's good at least one of us is; I always knew he'd be the better parent anyway.
I sigh though, my impatience getting to me. "Do you honestly think either of us is going to let something happen to her?"
"No." he answers almost automatically as if it was without thinking. "It's just…when was the first time you were in the woods?"
I shrug, not really knowing why he cares. "I guess I was five or six maybe with my dad. What about you?"
"I was six." He replies. "Rory had just come and I was kind of jealous of all the attention he was getting so my dad wanted to give me something special that was just us." He chuckles under his breath before shaking his head, "I made my dad swear for a long time he was never going to teach Rory anything so he could only do it with me."
I smile a little at that because I can't imagine a Gale who would prevent his siblings from learning or having anything, but I guess that was a different time. "What does that have to do with bringing her out to the woods?"
"It's just that she's so little I guess." He shrugs, "Even when I made my dad promise to not take Rory out I knew he wouldn't at least at the time because he was a baby."
"I don't think it makes us bad people for bringing her." I declare, walking down the stairs with Gale in tow. "Besides, there's two of us." I add, mentally adding in my head that the other worries that were almost more dangerous than the actual animals aren't really there either-the fear that the Capitol would come and get us for poaching or trespassing.
"I still don't like it." He decides, but goes on ahead anyway. I roll my eyes at his back for his stubbornness but he doesn't see it. "Rolling your eyes at me isn't going to change that."
He keeps walking but I stop in place for a moment with my mouth wide open. I guess between all of our fighting and disagreements I had forgotten how well Gale knows me. It's almost annoying accurate too. Instead of countering I glare at him but keep walking, at least trying to see that even if he doesn't like it he's going anyway. Honestly, it's probably because he knows I'd go with or without him and it's safer to have him along.
My anticipation grows as we near the fence in the place where Gale and others tore it down to escape the burning district almost a year ago and I freeze in place all of a sudden, a growing, aching panic entering me that I don't quite understand. What am I doing bringing a baby…my baby at that into the woods in a place where people I loved and others were escaping from the horror that in some way was my fault? And forget even that, why would I bring a baby to the woods anyway? I remember begging my father to take me to the woods before he actually did and he refused, so why am I so willing?
Because I'm selfish. I so want desperately to go into those woods and hunt, be free, breathe the fresh air. But now…I look down to the tiny sleeping face and feel my guilt warring with my selfishness. How can I possibly bring a baby into the woods? I can't.
Guess this is what that mothering instinct is for. Too bad it apparently only takes over me in situations like this because it would be far more handy on other things. I look back to the woods with longing but stay firmly in place, not knowing what to do. I really don't want to go back to Victor's Village, but I can't go further. Not with her.
Gale has apparently for once not known what I'm thinking or feeling, because he kept walking a ways before he even realized I wasn't right behind him. When he comes back and stands in front of me, he just stares at my face for a while. I already know without asking he can sense my dilemma, a small hint of 'I told you so' written into his expression under the layers of understanding.
I'm expecting the I told you so out loud so much that I look down and grumble, but before I can even understand what's happening he's gently taking Caitlyn out of my arms. I look up confused, and he has a smile on his face.
"Go." He orders softly. "We can take turns going. Every day if you want."
"But…" I protest, even though I don't know why. Instead of giving me an answer, he just smiles again and nods his head towards the woods. Instead of questioning this and overthinking it, I nod back and practically race into the woods, finally free if only for a short period of time.
I had planned to hunt, to get out the bow and see how rusty I really was. And yet even as I felt more and more at home and like myself the deeper into the woods I got, the bow stayed nocked in my arm even when I could sense some kind of animal nearby to shoot. I hated to admit it, but it was more because my head was filled with other thoughts than the fact that I didn't know if I could actually shoot an animal right in the eye anymore. And so instead, I made it to our old place and sat down on the rock that felt too big without another body next to me and the green life filled world around me became a haze as my brain was on overload.
Why would Gale not want to take Caitlyn out from the beginning? Well that one I can answer easily, I just figured it out later than he did. Which is no surprise since I'd be lying if I claimed I was the better parent. That I already knew long before she was even born. The thing was, even if he believed it was a bad idea he was still going to go through with it. I know he was, because he was ahead of me walking towards here. Besides, I had a good point in both of us being there not much would happen.
But he also…just gives me things no matter how hurt he is. Like giving me that letter from Peeta when he had no idea what was in it. For all he knows Peeta could have been begging me to leave and be with him even if I know that would have never happened. Or giving me this gift of going to the woods where I'm most alive that I haven't been to in months, allowing me this freedom and just for a while being able to pretend nothing was different.
And I could do that. Gladly. But it doesn't change that everything is it certainly doesn't change the fact that no matter how much he hides it or doesn't say it, Gale cannot help showing that he loves me.
Shaking my head, I realize I can't just be here in our spot without him and leave to actually go hunt, trying to focus on that. The first animal I see is a rabbit and I do hit it, but right in the gut which renders a lot of the meat useless. Frowning, I pick it up anyway and put it in my bag even though I'm sure Gale will find humor in me losing my touch and go practice for a while where my father taught me to use a bow in an alcove not far from where I was. It takes maybe until the sun is leaning towards mid-afternoon, but I finally have my regular lethal shot back and go to hunt again with a new attitude. By the time it's dark I've got a mixed half dozen including the one bad shot, and decide it's time to go home.
When I get there I unload and decide on a whim to hide the bad shot. I know it's sort of wasting food, but I guess I can give it to Buttercup who's been lurking around every so often. It's silly really, but I want Gale to think that I never lost my touch. And it's not exactly lying if he only see the results and doesn't ask, right?
Even as I hide the bad rabbit I smile to myself thinking I'm being ridiculous being competitive with Gale of all people after all this time, but I can't help it. He just brings that side of me out. It's like when he refused to do anything with me back in District 13 and I tried everything I could think of to make him. Spending hours under a sink was definitely not the reward I was hoping for but even now looking back it was kind of funny.
Still smiling to myself, I go upstairs to see Caitlyn who I find I've missed terribly all day. I don't think I've ever been away from her for so long before and it's caused me a bit of anxiety. Okay, a lot of anxiety. No matter how selfish I was I still ached for her in a way I don't quite understand.
But when I get to her room I don't find her in her crib. I find her in Gale's arms where he's in the rocking chair, both of them sleeping soundly.
I can't help the warm smile that crosses my face and don't even really understand it until it's there. As I look to the tiny sleeping figure I can't help but think how beautiful and perfect she is and hope that she can forgive me for my lack of parenting skills one day. I can't help but love her so much that I just want to hold her all day.
And then I realize I can't do that. Because no matter how many issues I have, I trust Gale completely with her, far more than anyone else. Because aside from me he's the only person who could love her as much as I do. Because he loves me as much as her if not more. And for that, I…
Realizing exactly where my thoughts are going, I slip out of the room and put my back against the wall, slowly leaning against it as I slip down to the floor and sit there with my head in my hands. How did I not realize this was happening? I mean I did I guess, but I was in such…denial, lying to myself. Why did I not see it before that even when I was pretending, deep down I had forgiven Gale? For everything.
I guess there's only one thing left to do now.