Hey, guys :D No less than 1,000 hits all week! Woohoo! Glad to know you guys have been rereading, haha. Thanks.
Maybe I shouldn't have said that thing about Even Without the Games? LOL well, hopefully I'll have something this weekend.
I don't own the Hunger Games.
You know, the first time I tacked Riegan's last name onto my first name was actually the first day we met. Before I knew him. I did that, for fun – if I saw even a vaguely good-looking boy, I just liked to see if his last name fit with mine. It didn't mean anything. It was a playful little girl's daydreams. After that, I'd never thought Tara Hawthorne until a few days ago. When Riegan and I put Devan to bed together. When he told me I'd make a great mother.
And honestly, I think Tara Hawthorne flows nicely.
I chucked all ideas of that away just a few minutes ago. I sneaked past the parents and the friends, going into the guest room. I pulled myself under the blankets and my head under the pillow – I wasn't visible. I started sobbing. Mother has just come in. I wish she hadn't.
"Tara, sweetheart, Riegan's sulking downstairs and Gale and Lira and Father and I want to know what's going on." Mother doesn't sound at all gentle. She sounds firm.
I grip the pillow tighter over my head. Just let me suffocate. I press my face on the mattress, hoping it wipes away the tears. "Well, what do you think?" I say coldly. "If he's sulking and I'm up here, what do you think -"
"Why?" Mother asks. "I thought you loved him."
Yeah, I do. That doesn't make a difference.
"No, I don't -" I begin to say.
"- yes, you do!" That one isn't Mother. I'm so surprised by the voice that I remove the pillow from around my head. I wipe my tear-stained face with my arm, abashed. Matzo stands at the doorway, red and fuming and arms crossed. "I can't believe you told him no!"
"I can't believe you ca -"
"Why are you surprised I care?" he yells. "You're being stupid! He loves you and nobody else is going to love you like he does! Nobody else is going to be a better friend to you, Tara! Why are you so mean?"
I stare at him in disbelief. "I'm not -"
"Yes, you are!" he bellows. "You broke his heart! Twice!" Ouch. That's true, and it hurts. "You think that hurts? Imagine what he's feeling, Tara!"
Geez.
"Matz," says Mother gently, "I want to talk to her. Go back to Riegan."
I sigh and sit up as Matz leaves the room. Mother sits next to my bed – the same way Lira did a few nights ago, with Riegan. "Well?" I ask grumpily.
"I want you to talk to me," Mother tells me. "I know that I'm not usually the person you'd talk to when it comes to these things. I know Father's better at it than me, but I want to listen, Tara. And I'm listening. Why won't you accept Riegan?"
I exhale. The breath is a large one. "You."
"Me?" she says, confused.
I nod and grip the blanket tightly.
"Yes, you. Ever since those first few words I spoke to him, everybody – all of you – said that I would fall in love with him! That I'd fall in love with him, he'd fall in love with me, I wouldn't know it. Someone else would tear me away and I would fall in love with him, and – Mother, I hate being you!" I scream, everything I've suppressed over the past few years bursting out of me. "I hate looking like you and everyone thinking that my boy troubles will be the same as yours! I'm not a hunter or a singer or anything you are! But nobody can understand that and I hate it!"
"Tara -" begins Mother, still dumbfounded.
"Nobody ever considered that I would fall in love with Riegan, even if he wasn't Gale's son!" I screech. "Just that I would fall in love with him! Everybody just decided for me, that I would! Two years of that, Mother! No, even before that – people said, 'oh, how you look like your mother'. 'She looks so much like Katniss when she was that age!'"
"Tara!" Mother says loudly.
I shrink back down. "Sorry."
"No, it's okay," says Mother, but I can see her patience was tested. She sighs. "Tara Mellark... you can't deny that we're very alike, but I know that you're your own person. You shouldn't just... let him go, because you're determined not to be me. No matter what you choose, you're not me. You're Tara Mellark, with the flaws and perfections every person has, but you're still unique." She gives me a gentle hug. "And yes, you're my daughter; I'm proud to call you that. But it doesn't mean anything... more, dandelion."
"I'm sorry," I whisper, "I've been stupid."
I've always known. I've just refused to know. Riegan is mine; I am his. Anything else is unthinkable.
"I just wish you talked to me about this earlier," says Mother ruefully, "it would have explained so much... saved you so much trouble."
I sigh. "I'm sorry," I say again.
Mother smiles slightly and shakes her head. "It's okay. Now, go down and talk to Riegan – unless you're... still afraid?"
"I'm afraid," I say, and it's true, "but that's not all I am. I'm your daughter. I am strong, too."
–
I asked Lira where he was. She didn't know. She went to grab him a snack – like a mother – and then he was gone. But I know where he is.
If we were in District Twelve, he would've been in the Meadow – but we're not in District Twelve. We're in District Two, and he's at the park.
He strums slowly, sounds of the strings meshing together to form soft, melancholy-sounding music. I don't know the song. His back is to me, and I've always been the quiet one. I slowly and tentatively sit down beside him. I think his eyes flicker to me, but his head doesn't move. I use two fingers to warily turn his face to mine. Still cautious, I lean forward and kiss him. Just briefly. "Sorry," I whisper, "I was confused."
I don't get a response. He just turns away.
"Riegan?" I breathe, terrified. He remains silent. I take a deep breath and sit down beside him. I don't touch him. Just sit beside him, cross-legged, talking to his ear. "You know I heard you talking to Lira the other night?"
Yeah. I figured. Still the compulsive eavesdropper.
I want to smile, but he hasn't really said it. I continue, "I figure I should tell you what I think of you."
Do share.
"You were insufferable," I say, sounding like Ysabel. I continue on, trying to sound confident: "and I never thought I would like you, either. But then you showed me that you could be thoughtful, and funny, and smug and I loved it. Not that I knew it then, obviously - but you were pretty awesome. I knew that, at least. When you left... I remember I didn't miss you as much as I should have. I remembered you, though. Every morning, and every night. First thing and last thing on my mind, always, was you... and I didn't want to visit because I was afraid of being like Mother. Like now. But anyway, you have no idea how happy I was when I saw you again. Well, no - you did. I think you were just as happy. Isn't it funny, how when Felix came along, that was the day I felt so possessive of you? Do you remember how much I wanted you to stay?"
I see his mouth twitch. It takes all of me not to burst out cheering and applauding. Yeah, I remember.
"I wonder if you know how proud I was. Whenever I was called your best friend by someone else. Now, that is possessive. 'That's right; he's my best friend. Back off.' Maybe that's what I felt. I mean, possessive, but not, like... well, I was happy whenever you made friends. Is it vain to think that it just reminded me how much I knew you best? How much I know you best? I love that I can read your mind, you know," I say, taking this time to put my chin on his shoulder. He's ignoring me, anyway. "And that you can read mine. Was it ever a comfort to you, that I was the only one who shared your thoughts? Did it ever?"
Yeah - imagine anybody else knowing what goes on in this mind.
I lean back. "I am sorry, Riegan," I murmur. "Please... if you won't... I still - I just need you. It doesn't matter what way. I can't... can't live as happily without you."
And he still doesn't respond. Dismayed, I lean away, ready to stand up, but -
The playing resumes, and for a moment I believe he's ignoring me even more, but I realize it's a song. The song that he took so long to write. His mouth opens, and lyrics come out.
Hey there, Miss Tara
What's it like in District Twe-elve?
I'm a thousand miles away,
but girl, tonight you look so pretty.
Yes, you do.
No star can shine as bright as you,
I swear, it's true.
Hey there, Miss Tara,
Don't you worry about the distance,
I'm right there if you get lonely,
give this song another listen,
close your eyes.
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise,
I'm by your side.
Oh, it's what you do to me...
Ooh, it's what you do to me.
Ooh, it's what you do to me,
oh, it's what you do to me,
what you do to me.
Hey there, Miss Tara
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
would take your breath away,
I'd write it all.
Even more in love with me, you'd fall.
We'd have it all.
Oh, it's what you do to me...
Ooh, it's what you do to me.
Ooh, it's what you do to me,
oh, it's what you do to me,
A thousand miles seems pretty far
but they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way.
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along, because we know
that none of them have felt this way.
Miss Tara, I can promise you
that by the time we get through,
the world will never, ever be the same...
and you're to blame.
Hey there, Miss Tara
you be good, and don't you miss me.
Few more years and we'll be done with school
And then we'll make some history like we do.
You know it's all because of you...
we can do whatever we want to.
Hey there, Miss Tara, here's to you.
This one's for you.
Oh, it's what you do to me...
Ooh, it's what you do to me.
Ooh, it's what you do to me,
oh, it's what you do to me,
what you do to me...
Ooh, ooh, o-ooh...
I gaze at him, feeling pleasure and appreciation and... and... something else. He continues playing, glancing at me, a hint of a smile on his lips. He isn't mad at me! He still likes me. He wrote a song for me!
Riegan looks at me expectantly and worriedly, as if asking: Well? What did you think? I sit down there and stare at him in awe, and then I realize he wants me to talk to him. "That," I force out of me, "is a major turn on, Mr. Hawthorne."
He bursts out laughing and puts a hand on my cheek and murmurs, "I lo -"
I hurriedly cover his mouth with my hand. He looks confused. "I love you," I tell him. Pleasure replaces the perplexed look on his face. I say, "I wanted to say it first. Officially. "
"Not fair!" he gasps. I reply with a smug look. He looks at me for a moment, stunned. And then he just shakes his head. "You know, what? Never mind. I love you. More."
I'm about to protest, but he cuts it off with another kiss, and really – who am I to complain?
–
"Can your timing be any worse?" Ysabel scolds me, not even saying cheering like the rest of the world. "You're leaving and now he's going to be unbearable over the next few months." We all sit together up in Riegan's room.
"You can always stay here," Fraser suggests, like it's possible.
I laugh. "Right."
"Yeah, stay here," agrees Riegan, squeezing my hand.
I sigh wistfully. "And I didn't even get to see the baby."
"Speaking of the baby," puts in Vins, "any bets on the gender?"
"I still say it's a girl," Ysabel says.
I nod. "Me, too."
It appears all the girls, and Finn, agree that it's going to be a girl. Everyone else – Matz, Fraser, Vins, Riegan – think it's going to be a boy, or want it to be a boy, anyway.
"Has your mom decided on the name?" asks Rysnna, lying on her stomach on the ground, beside Finn. I don't listen to Riegan's reply, because I've gotten distracted. From my position next to Riegan, I wonder if she and Finn would work, instead. I asked her about the whole boy thing a few days ago, and she shrugged it off, saying that she wouldn't put the burden of having to deal with her Mother on anyone. She was probably joking, though.
They would look good together.
Well, Rysnna and Finn look good with anybody.
I lean up to Riegan and whisper, "How about them?"
"I was waiting for you to say that," he replies, out loud. "I agree, actually. I've agreed for a while."
I raise a brow. So, are you willing to match-make them with me? He nods.
"Insufferable!" Ysabel screeches. She whips around to Rysnna, Finn, and Matz. "Don't you ever get sick of that?"
"You get used to it," says Rysnna.
"It's not normal to be able to read minds," says Ysabel. "Try testing him, Tara."
I love you. I look up at him expectantly.
He laughs and bends down to kiss me in front of everyone. And my cheeks are still burning. He whispers, "Glad to hear it."
"No, that was too obvious," says Finn, "even I guessed that."
I wrinkle my nose and start thinking the lyrics of Hey There, Miss Tara. "Okay, go."
Riegan grins and hums the tune. "That, or... shut up, Finn."
"Yes. That second one was just your thought, not mine," I say.
"You shut up," Finn shoots at him.
"You shut up."
"Shut your trap."
"No, you shut your trap. I asked you first."
Finn sticks his tongue out at him and then throws a pillow at Riegan.
"No!" I cry, but it's too late. Everyone has seized a weapon and we are in a full-out pillow fight.
And then, just before everyone gets a few hits in, the door bursts open. "Riegan – Riegan," Gale says, tense, "help your mother."
"What?" Riegan asks, baffled.
"I need to start the car," Gale says. He looks to Riegan and orders loudly, "Go help your mother!"
"Oh!" Ysabel cries, as Riegan rushes out the door. Father comes in the doorway just as Gale leaves it.
"Do any of you guys need a ride home?" Father asks, looking at Ysabel, Fraser, and Vins – except it's only really the boys who need a ride. Ysabel lives right down the street. They hastily say that they'll be fine. They scurry out the door.
I am frozen, staring blankly into Rysnna and Finn's faces.
"Father, what's going on?" asks Matz.
How can he not know?
The baby's coming!
Woohoo!
Review!