Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious

09/19/2012.

Just a quick journal update whilst I'm in the airport. I'm on my way home. Not that I didn't love Sweden but I've really missed LA. I've really missed Jade. I'm going to try to sleep on the plane and then hopefully I'll be able to visit Jade this evening because I can't wait any longer.

I bought all my friends and family souvenirs. In fact I went slightly crazy on the souvenir shopping. I got Beck, Robbie and Andre full on viking helmets, Cat an ABBA songbook. and Trina an 'I heart Sweden' t-shirt. Jade was the hardest to buy for. In the end I got her a 'dalahäst' which is basically a cute little wooden horse statue, carved and painted.

I feel like going to Sweden was good for me. Before I left, my head was in a bit of a crazy place with everything that's happened with Jade. Don't get me wrong I don't resent her at all for it but it was nice to go out and live a little and have fun. I am glad I'm going home though.

09/20/2012.

I did manage to make it to Valewood yesterday despite the jet lag and oh. my. god. Jade is doing unbelievably better. I went into the reception and signed in and they told me to go right though. I knocked on the door and was surprised to see two people sitting on the bed, neither of whom were Jade.. except one was Jade.

"What!?" I gasped when I finally realised who this mystery girl was. Her hair had been cut just above her shoulders and was a light brown/blonde colour. It was wavy and somehow thick and healthy. She'd also gained weight which I wasn't going to mention for obvious reasons and her bones weren't sticking out as much. She was obviously still underweight but she was nowhere near as skeletal as she was when I left. The weight gain made a huge difference to her appearance.

"She hates it. Told you." Jade glared, turning to Cat who was the second person on the bed.

"No, no!" I assured her still completely taken aback by how different she looked. "You're blonde. It looks amazing."

"Told you." Cat smiled smugly, nudging Jade with her shoulder. She was sat behind Jade and had a huge bag full of hair products next to her. It was then I realised it was her who had done Jades hair. I completely forgot that Cat had taken summer classes in hairdressing and this was seriously a really, really nice gesture.

"Yeah well she still looks more shocked than.. what were your exact words again? She will want to run her hands through it and rip my clothes off." Jade grimaced as Cat sprayed some sort of spray on her hair.

"Well I could do that." I smirked, sitting down next to her on bed and leaning in to kiss her. Jade wrapped her hands around my waist and kissed me back hard. Oh god I'd really missed her. I'd really missed her lips.

"Umm guys.. I love you but please don't." Cat interrupted, probably getting very worried we would actually start ripping clothes off. I smiled pulling back and just watched as Cat made the finishing touches to Jades hair. I touched one of the palest blonde sections in Jades hair to find it was actually quite soft and smooth as opposed to the rough, brittle and breakable hair she had before I left.

"Jade have you felt it properly? Cat seriously how did you even do this?" I asked in disbelief. Jade put her hand on the part I was feeling and ran her finger through it.

"Well.." Cat took a deep breath, "First we cut off all the dead hair, then put a keratin treatment on what was left. Then we used a hair dye remover and a highlighting cream, and then sewed in a lot of extensions. And I finished with a deep condition and some nutrient spray. Now I want to brush it but Jadey says it will rip it out."

"It will! I don't know how you got my pathetic excuse for hair through all of that in the first place." Jade insisted. Cat started pulling the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes. Eventually Jade couldn't take it anymore and gave in.

"Fine just don't drag it!" Jade rolled her eyes as the red head clapped happily, grabbing a hair brush from her bag. I watched slightly alarmed as Cat ran a brush through Jades short brown hair and a good handful of hair fell out. Cat didn't seem phased by it and I saw her carefully throwing it into another bag on the floor. I glanced down at the bag, horrified to see a huge bag full of Jade's hair. Before I could get a proper look at it though, Cat hit me on the knee with the brush.

"No looking at that! That's the rule isn't Jadey?" Cat said firmly.

"Apparently." Jade replied dryly. I noticed her glance at the bag and she briefly looked sad and I realised why Cat had said it. She didn't want Jade to see the amount of hair that had either fallen or she's had to cut off. Sometimes Cat can be really naïve but other times she's really smart and I think she's clued in on Jade and since she was here, she probably had quite a good idea how sensitive Jade was about her hair. Cat ran the brush through Jades hair one last time, throwing another chunk of hair away and Jade grimaced looking alarmed. "Please be careful Cat!"

"I am, aaannnnd done!" Cat announced, routing around in her bag for a mirror. She found it and held it up for Jade who stared at herself silently.

"Too doo! Cat sang gleefully. "What do you think?"

"It's different." Jade replied unsurely.

"Well I think you look beautiful." I quickly wrapped my arms around Jade and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled, turning her face to mine.

"Hehe! I'm gonna go now." Cat started gathering her things up and climbing off the bed. She gave me a hug goodbye and then Jade a big hug too.

"Thank you." I heard Jade whisper.

"It's okay. I'll come back and redo the extensions at Christmas." Cat smiled, promising her.

"Have fun in college." Jade said as Cat picked up all her bags. She waved one last time before leaving the room.

"Do you really like it?" Jade immediately questioned me.

"Honestly.." I said taking hold of both her hands and frowning. Jade looked terrified for a second as if I was actually about to crush her. I exhaled chuckling "Jade you look gorgeous. And so healthy, and cute, and sexy."

Jade shook her head and I laughed wrapping my arms around her neck kissing her. She slipped her hands against my torso and for a second I thought maybe she couldn't take my weight against her and I was about to pull back, but then I felt her fingertips wander upwards to the sides of my breasts. I stopped breathing, butterflies filling my tummy and a tingling somewhere a little lower than that. Jade pulled away just in time for me to take a vital breath of air.

"There's still a camera in here." Jade reminded me.

"Good." I exhaled. I'm kind of glad the temptation is removed completely. Although I want to and she seems to want to, there is no way we're taking things even slightly further in our relationship than we already have. Even if she does look a lot better now she still isn't better. We're in a good place.

The rest of the evening was nice even though I was super jet lagged. Jade seemed to pick on that and made me lay down in the bed and wanted to take care of me. It was sweet and kind of strange at the same time because I've always been the one looking after her. Having Jade be the one stroking my arm and whispering sweet things to me was kind of refreshing, even if it did mean I fell asleep and had to be shaken awake at 10pm to go home.

09/25/2012.

Physically Jades been doing amazing these past few weeks. She's gained enough weight to just push her into the underweight category (as oppose to dangerously underweight.) The big problem at the moment is eating is still a massive struggle for her.

I arrived at Valewood this evening at the time I always did. Jade would usually be there, having finished a tube feed but today she wasn't. I sat in her room for a while waiting for her but ten minutes passed and she didn't show up. I was about to leave and go look for someone but before I could, someone poked their head through the door.

"Tori right?" A tall black guy with small dreads and wearing a blue tshirt asked me.

"Yeah." I replied confused.

"Jade's in the dining room right now, now she's ok but she might need a bit of support. She said you'd be here and since mostly everyone's left the canteen already would it be ok if you came down?"

"Yeah of course." I replied immediately, about a million questions arising in my head. "Did she choose to eat dinner?"

"She did actually." The man replied as we left the room. I followed him through the halls of the center into the main building. I'd never actually been inside Valewood other than the bedrooms, I had no idea what went on through those doors. There were a couple of people hanging around in what seemed like a social area and we passed more as we walked through the rooms.

"Sorry I don't think I even explained who I am." The guy broke me from my thoughts. "I'm Ben. Junior Psychiatrist."

"Tori." I replied as he lead me through some double doors and into the dining room. It was a light and cosy room that looked as though it had been designed to be as natural as possible. There were four large tables that seated fourteen and several smaller ones that seated six. Jade was sat at one of the smaller ones with a blonde haired, blue eyed woman. Ben and I walked over and he swapped places with her.

"Look who I got for you." Ben gestured from me to Jade. Jade turned her head in my direction and I smiled sitting down next to her. She gave a tiny brief smile before turning back to stir at the food in front of her.

"What's wrong?" I rubbed her back gently.

"Pasta." Jade sighed. It was almost a comical response, except the reality of it wasn't funny. She was shaking and seemed upset.

"Jade take a deep breath and remember what we were talking about before." Ben said calmly. "Let all those negative voices float away and just focus on what you want to do."

Jade sat up and did as he said. I smiled supportively when she stabbed the pasta with her fork and held it up to her mouth. She took a deep breath and put the pasta into her mouth. She chewed it a couple of times before shaking her head and wailing. Ben pushed a polystyrene bowl forwards and she retched, spitting it out and throwing up a little.

"You're alright." Ben reassured her, handed her a napkin and disposing of the pasta she'd spat out. Jade wiped her mouth with the napkin and began to cry weakly. I wrapped an arm around her, hushing her and trying to calm her down.

"I'm disgusting." Jade whimpered.

"No. No you're not." I told her firmly. Jade shook her head looking down at the pasta hopelessly.

"You're not disgusting Jade." Ben reaffirmed, "None of us are judging you here. This is a safe place."

"Why are you even nice to me? I'm a freak!" Jade turned to me accusingly.

"Because I love you. No matter how freaky you are." I smiled trying to lighten the mood. Jade sniffed and looked down at the pasta unconfidently.

"I can't eat this." Jade shook her head. Ben nodded, respecting her opinion and took the pasta out of her sight. The three of us sat there for a while, Ben and I chatting and trying to cheer up Jade who just sat their glumly. Eventually the blonde woman came back and took Jade aside to talk to her.

"That's Mia, she's one of Jade's main therapists." Ben explained. I smiled and looked down at the tiny bowl of pasta Jade had been trying to eat. It was obvious she was trying but it seemed like her body and her mind were completely against her.

"Jade talks about you a lot. I'm sure she wont mind me saying, you make her very happy." Ben told me. "She's lucky to have you by the sounds of it."

"Well I'm lucky to have her too." I replied, blushing slightly and glancing over at Jade. She was still talking to Mia who was handing her some pills and water and sending her back to sit with us.

"Mia's making me some toast." Jade explained sitting back down next to me. She quickly swallowed the pills and lay her head on my shoulder. She seemed slightly calmer than before but I could tell the pasta had been a setback. I didn't really say anything but I held her hand listening to Ben who started an elaborate conversation about his love life problems. Eventually Mia came over with a plate of toast and sat down on Jade's other side encouraging her to try it. It took a few go's but eventually Jade managed to swallow a few bites of toast.

"Do you feel full?" Mia asked after she'd eaten one slice of toast.

"I think I'm about an eight." Jade replied quietly.

"Ok so maybe now's a good time to stop." Mia said supportively. Jade pushed the plate forwards seeming relieved and yet, at the same time not relieved at all. Ben got rid of all the plates from the table whilst Mia continued to talk to her.

"How are the urges?"

"Really, really intense right now." Jade admitted croakily.

"Ok well lets just sit here for a while." Mia said calmly, squeezing Jade's arm. The two therapists worked really hard to distract her and were being really sweet and asking me a lot about Sweden. They kept checking in with Jade and eventually her anxiety levels dropped and they decided she could leave.

"Remember everything we talked about today Jade. Maybe we can do this tomorrow." Mia told her

"Maybe." Jade replied standing up. I smiled accepting the hand she held out to me as we left the dining hall.

"Hey.. that was progress." I pointed out once. Even if she wasn't

"I was sick." Jade mumbled.

"And you carried on." I squeezed her hand, "That took courage."

"Yeah well lets not talk about it." Jade sighed. "I just want to take you to my room and I don't know.. lie on top of you for a while."

I laughed, "Jade!"

"What?" Jade smirked, raising an eyebrow at me

"Nothing." I replied innocently. Jade led us back into her room and we spent the rest of the evening together cuddled up in bed. Every time I visit Jade now I find myself in bed with her just kissing, stroking. I'm sure we're breaking some sort of visitation rights rule but I can't help it anymore. I just love being close to her. Ahh this could get messy.