Chapter 36 – Bearing Sorrow, Havin' Fun
After the game, Jacy hurried Ray back to the car even though he wanted to talk with Ash and congratulate him on his play during the game. The party preparations weren't yet finished, and she needed his help. Ray quickly said goodbye to Alyssa and caught Darren's eye before he jogged off to catch up to his mom. On the way to the house, Jacy summoned the courage to ask her son the question everyone else had been asking or at least wondering.
"Ray," she started, not sure she should continue, "What happened between you and Neela?"
He stared out the window as the scenery rushed past them. "We don't want the same things in life, I guess." He shrugged. "I don't know if we ever did or if there was just this intense attraction." He turned to his mother, "Whatever it is or was, it's played out now."
"Are you sure?" Jacy asked, a concerned frown furrowing her forehead.
"Yeah, I guess." Ray looked back toward the side window. "And I can't be there anymore. I mean, not any more than I have to."
"Are you thinking about coming home?" Jacy asked, scarcely able to breathe.
"Yeah, maybe. I think." He wanted to run the next part by Alyssa before he discussed it with anyone else, but he didn't ever imagine he'd be having this conversation with Jacy. "I've been thinking about PM&R," he revealed.
"What about it?"
"About doing it. I'm in the ER every day and I see all these people who I can't do anything for or about. I slap a band-aid on them and send them back out to keep doing whatever stupid thing brought them to me in the first place. It's discouraging, and I don't know how long I can keep doing that."
"So another residency?" Jacy asked, knowing how hard that could be on Ray, to start all over again.
"I don't know, and that's why I didn't even think about it right after. I couldn't imagine starting at zero with that on top of everything else. I thought I could step back into my life and just…" he trailed off. "I don't know what I thought, but I was wrong."
Jacy reached across for his hand. "Ray! Why haven't you talked to me about any of this? Have you talked to Darren or Greg or anyone?"
"Not really about this." He looked at his mom and grinned sheepishly. "I wanted to run it by Alyssa, but then Cooper came along and I haven't really been able to talk to her for a while. And Neela obviously doesn't understand."
Jacy nodded. "Okay, so you need to talk to her tonight, right? Cooper isn't coming. She told me that earlier. He has some campaign thing tonight. I can make sure you two have some time if you need it."
"Yeah?" Ray asked, a bit surprised. "You'd be my wingman?"
"You'd be surprised what I'd do for you, Son," Jacy answered.
"I know, and I'm sorry." For everything, thought Ray.
Jacy looked Ray and smiled. "I know you are, and I love you, Ray. I'm so proud of you, of everything you've done and are doing. I also know you have to do these things on your own, and as hard as that is for me, I realize that I have to let you."
Ray reached across the seat and kissed Jacy's cheek. "I love you, Mom." He started to say more, but saw the tears rolling down her cheeks. He realized he didn't have to say anything else. She squeezed his hand again as she directed the car into the driveway.
Once they got inside, Jacy promptly shifted into party mode. She gave Ray a specific list of instructions for cleaning and straightening around the pool as she worked inside. As Ray was skimming, he heard a knock on the back gate. He looked up to see Jason Harrison.
"Your mom told Alyssa to invite me, and I thought maybe I'd stop by early to see if I could help with anything."
"Sure," Ray confirmed, handing Jason the skimmer net as he walked through the gate and into the yard. "You can finish with the pool while I clean up around the lawn. Then, there are tiki torches in the pool house that need to be set up."
Jason and Ray got to work and had nearly finished with Jacy's list by the time Darren arrived. He walked across the deck, shooting Ray a skeptical glare as he saw Jason organizing some small fireworks he'd retrieved from his car in a corner of the lawn.
"Really?" he asked when he was close enough to whisper to Ray.
"Stop it. He's helping," Ray hissed as he directed Darren to help moving the patio furniture.
The three of them finished the yard work and Darren had even started grilling when Alyssa, Ash and Alyssa's family arrived. Several other families from the ballpark as well as a handful of Jacy's friends from the neighborhood trickled in as the evening continued. Ray noticed that Jason blended better with the crowd than he would have expected. His mother's neighbor, Mr. Macgregor had cornered him on the edge of the deck and was no doubt talking about his beloved sailboat. Jason nodded as though he was interested in what the man had to say, but Ray felt for him. He walked up and interrupted, saying that he needed Jason's help.
"Man, you absolutely saved me there. If I had to hear about one more type of barnacle, I was going to explode," Jason grinned as they walked toward the pool where Ash and the other kids were swimming. "This is really nice, Ray. You have a good thing here."
"Yeah, I see that. It's taken a little while, but I think I'm finally figuring that out."
Jason nodded. "Are you thinking about coming back? Ash said you'll be done with your training around the first of the year."
Ray decided to answer him honestly. "I don't know what I'm gonna do, actually. It's something I've been thinking about a lot these past few weeks." Ray shrugged. "I don't know."
"Have you thought about the VA system?" Jason asked.
"No, why?"
"Well, the offer a pretty wide range of specialty care on top of the primary stuff. You're ER, right?" inquired Jason. Ray nodded and Harrison continued, "Most of the bigger med centers have ERs, not so much trauma, but acute care. I don't know if you're thinking about rehab medicine at all, but there are a lot of guys coming home who need somebody to show them that it's possible to get through what you've experienced. You could help a lot of them."
"The thought has crossed my mind, but I don't know if I want to start all over again," admitted Ray.
"Yeah, that has to be a lot of work, but if it's what you want to do with your life, wouldn't it be worth it?"
Ray nodded. "It's something I have to think about it." He glanced around, remembering he was at a party. He clapped Jason on the back. "Make sure you get something to eat. I'd come back for Darren and my mom's cooking if nothing else." Jason nodded and headed toward the house as Alyssa approached Ray from the other side.
"You've been busy today," she grinned as she approached, her skin glowing in the twilight. "Looking out for Jason and all."
Ray shrugged. "He seems okay."
Alyssa nodded a couple of times. "Yeah, I always thought that, too."
"Well, I'm not planning on falling in love with him, Alyssa," Ray snapped. The look on her face told him he'd gone too far. He grabbed her arm as she turned to walk away. "I'm sorry. That was out of line."
She turned back, pulling away from his grip. "Yeah, it was, but I don't want to fight with you." She ran her hands through her hair. "Where's Neela? I was looking forward to meeting her this weekend. You got to meet Cooper and Jason and all my past indiscretions. I was hoping I'd finally get to meet yours."
Ray glared at her for a second, not sure if she was intentionally trying to hurt him, but there was no clear indication of malice on her face. "I thought my mom had told you," he managed.
"Told me what?"
"We're not together. We broke up three months ago."
As though ice water had run through her veins, Alyssa shivered. "I didn't know that." She took a couple of steps toward the house but turned back to Ray, "Before or after Cooper and I…"
"Before," he admitted.
"That's what I thought," she managed before starting across the lawn away from him
"Alyssa, wait, let me explain," he begged as he followed her.
"Just don't Ray. I'm happy. Ash is safe and secure. We're good. I hope you can be someday, too." She let her hand trail down the side of his face as she spoke before releasing him and walking away.
He barely saw her the rest of the night, only in groups of women who seemed to herd around her if he approached. Ray spent most of the party with Jason, who triumphantly set off the fireworks after the sun set. Ash proudly told the other children that his father had been in charge of the fireworks. Jason also presented the kids with sparklers and patiently lit them as Ash and his friends wrote their names in the silvery shimmer.
Darren intercepted a visibly shaken Ray as he attempted to clear some of the inside tables. He pulled the younger man into the garage apartment before initiating conversation.
"What the hell is going on? You look like somebody just shot your dog."
"She just told me to leave her alone. She said she and Ash were happy and she hoped I could have that, too," panted Ray as he kept his eyes low on his trembling hands.
"Did you tell her about Neela?"
"Yeah, that's what prompted all of this, I guess. She asked about Neela and I told her we broke up." Ray sighed, collecting a deep breath and the smallest bit of composure. "She asked if it was before she and Cooper got together and I said yes. Then she got very cold and resolute and that was it. I tried to explain about all that was going on with Neela, how those days right after were such a mess, but she just walked off. Now she's surrounded by every woman out there. I can't get within 50 feet of her."
"Well, and you are now her baby daddy's new best friend. That can't help," grinned Darren, making light of Ray's new plight. "You have to relax, man. She's just pissed that you didn't come running to her the second that you were free. That's a good thing."
"It didn't seem good as she was practically running away from me a few minutes ago," protested Ray.
"It means she wanted you to, and she's pissed that you didn't. That's definitely positive," Darren assured him. "You just have to be available when she needs you. I'm sure that's something you and your new friend have discussed."
"Why don't you give him a break? I mean, you're the one telling me you aren't sure what he's capable of and that we have to be really careful around him," demanded Ray.
"Yeah, but it looks like he's getting his shit together, and if history has told us anything, that means he'll make a play for her and she'll want him back. They definitely have a strong connection." Darren explained. Ray could tell this possibility frightened the big man.
"He says that's not what he wants, but I understand where you're coming from. It's almost like they belong together. They were bantering back and forth at the game today, and for a second, maybe longer than a second, I just wished I had a connection like that with someone."
"They have a ton of history and Ash." Darren shrugged. "I think we're all in trouble if he comes back from Tuscaloosa with things in order."
"I mean, would it be so bad?" Ray wondered aloud
"You ready for that?" inquired Darren
Ray thought about this for a moment before answering with his own question, "Are you?"
"She's going to be with someone, Ray, and I know it isn't going to be me. I knew that a long time ago, and I've moved on. Rhonda and I have been together for a year, and I think love her. Alyssa and Ash will always be important to me, but they're not mine." Darren stated evenly.
"I want it to be me," Ray finally admitted to Darren and to himself.
"Well, we may actually be getting somewhere with you," chuckled Darren. "So when are you coming home?"
Ray shrugged. "I'm not sure exactly when I'll be done. January maybe."
"I think you should work down here in an ER before you decide to give it up," proffered Darren. "I know you're having second thoughts about it, but give it a chance before you go off and reinvent the wheel."
Ray shook his head as he squinted at Darren. "How did you know that?"
"It's pretty much what everyone goes through. It's like, 'I got my life back so maybe I should help others in the same position.' Only you're closer to the action that most people, so it's more of a reality for you. You're a year out. That's amazing, and that's when folks start getting a little perspective, especially when things are going as well physically as they are for you."
"What you're saying does make sense, but if I want to do it, how do I go about it?" pushed Ray.
"You mean is there any fast track?"
"Yeah. Do I have to do the whole four?"
"They'll give you credit for the transitional year, I'm thinking. It's in New Orleans, though. You know that, right?"
Ray nodded. "It's a lot closer than Chicago, though. Warmer, too."
"But you'll think about what I said about giving the ER a try first?"
"Yeah. Jason said something about the VA. I hadn't thought about that, but it might be a possibility down the line."
Darren nodded. "They do good work there, and they definitely need help in the areas away from the big medical centers. You can imagine how it is. You just want to get home, and if there's nowhere to rehab when you get there, you risk losing everything you learned while you were away."
Ray nodded. He didn't want to imagine where he would be right now if he hadn't completed a full rehab course without access to state of the art prosthetics. Actually, he'd probably be where he was right now, sitting alone in this room. But he was more than that. He'd worked too hard to lurk in shadows feeling sorry for himself.
"I need to go back out there. Or can you get her to come in here for a minute. I need to talk to her."
Darren grimaced but agreed to try. Ray took a seat on the sofa for a second then walked over to the shelves of records on the far wall. He selected one and placed it on the turntable. Gregg Allman set the tone as she walked into the room.
"My name is Alyssa, you know," she said as she walked toward his turned back.
He pivoted to face her. "Melissa was as close as I could get. Sorry." He smiled slightly.
"I'm sorry about earlier."
"It's okay," he shrugged.
"Truth be told, it would have been a bad thing if you'd run back down here as soon as you got out of whatever you had going on with Neela."
He nodded. "I didn't really know what was happening for a while. I moved out, but there was still a chance there for a while. When I was sure it was over, we had already talked about Cooper." Ray shrugged. "I don't know what else I could have done."
"I know. That's why I'm sorry."
"I wish…" Ray started then stopped. He felt her suddenly against his body.
"Don't. I can't."
"Is this about Cooper?" he asked, breathing into her hair.
He felt her head shake against his chest. "No."
"Jason."
He grip around his waist tightened. "You can't tell him no. Can you?"
Her head shook again. "I'm just praying he won't ask, but I'm so afraid he will." She sighed heavily.
Ray directed her to the sofa as the song ended. "Maybe things will be different when he gets back. Maybe the two of you can finally make it work." He couldn't believe the words he heard himself speaking.
"Maybe we could, but I've been so happy here without him, but look at Ash. He absolutely lights up when Jason is around. I can't take that away from him," she rationalized.
Ray pulled her close to him. "But it doesn't mean that you have to be with Jason. People make it work every day. What you owe Ash is being with the person who is going to make you happy every day. And in doing that, this person will love Ash like his own without feeling threatened by Jason's place in Ash's life."
She let her head rest on Ray's shoulder. "You have it all figured out, huh?"
"I don't think I have anything figured out, Alyssa. I wish to God that I did, but I don't even know what to do about work."
She smiled. "Ah, I guess it is about that time. Did Darren already give you the speech?"
"He did."
"Have you decided to listen?"
Ray shrugged. "I'm going to apply for some jobs, I guess, and take it from there."
"It is different when you're the boss and there are no residents and students around to make things more challenging," Alyssa explained. "Darren's right, though. You should give it a try before you decide to give it up. You've put a lot of time and work into getting where you are in your career."
Ray tangled and untangled his fingers in her hair. "Do you all have a manual you read from or something?"
"We're united in our approach because we both have the same beliefs on this," she declared. She sat forward on the couch and looked at her watch. "It's getting late, Ray. We have to get going."
"Will I see you before I leave?" he asked, knowing Cooper would be filling the rest of their holiday weekend.
"Stop by the office on Tuesday. I'll drive you to the airport."
Three days later, they stood at the security checkpoint saying goodbye. He pushed the stray strand of hair from his face as he smiled down at her.
"If you have any employment tips or insider information, I'll definitely take them," he babbled to keep himself from saying anything too meaningful.
She raised her hand to take his. "I'll be on the lookout. We'll miss you."
He swallowed hard and stared deeply into her eyes. "If you asked me to stay, I would."
"But you can't, and I wouldn't do that."
He nodded. "I know."
"You'll be back before you know it," she breathed as she pressed her body against him in a final embrace.
He wrapped his arms around her, inhaled the fresh scent of her hair one last time and gently kissed the top of her head. "Bye," he whispered as he carefully disengaged and walked toward the security queue.