First off, thanks again to everyone who participated last month.
Due to popular demand, people spamming me with requests and the lovely death threat, I will be doing a Christmas Special… And it shall be the last special in… a… very… long… time…
And there is noooooooooo fucking way I am doing one as complex as last month – uh uh.
This time you get to send a present… And nothing more…
There shall be no cameos because my black little heart cannot take anymore.
So yeah…
There shall be a maximum of 15 people this time who can send presents.
Here be the rules:
Only one present can be sent per person but the present can be intended for two members of the Akatsuki (eg. You could send painting supplies for both Deidara and Sasori to share)
You CAN write a Christmas card to go with it but please for the love of frig don't make it long.
As much as you want to and as much as Itachi abuses the privilege… You cannot mail yourself to the Akatsuki, Naruto, Orochimaru, Sasuke, Sakura, Sai etcetera etcetera.
No bombs… I need them alive…
These people shall have priority pick because I missed you last chapter:
Katsumi Hatake
Wrath76
LuvLotsHana
Partying'Through'Pain
Night Chimes
Count M
This leaves 9 spaces if all of these people send in presents.
The closing date for RSVPs is January the 12th (AUS time) so that will be the 11th for all you Americans.
So if you want to send a present let me know and I'll fit you in.
*Sigh* My fingers are falling off….
Also I'm sorry my updates have been so slow lately.
Things have been pretty difficult on my end but I shall not bitch about it because that will forever make me a whiney attention seeking author... El Oh El.
And for frigs sake damn all of you people confusing my gender!
For future reference and to clear up any lasting confusion I declare myself an 'it'...
So after the longest and bitchiest authors note in existence, without further ado…
November, Ladies and Gentleman…
November 1st
I don't think I really need to describe Halloween…
Deidara hasn't slept in fear of trick or treaters, Sasoris self esteem has bottomed out, Kakuzu is just grumpy (as usual) and Hidan is… headless…
For some reason, Sir Leader doesn't seem all that bothered about it…
November 2nd
To our 'joy' Tobi has found all of the Halloween lollies that we hid from him and has begun his reign of tyranny over the Akatsuki base.
Personally I think he makes a wonderful ruler.
Only cause he is too scared to go against anything you say…
- Deidara
What was that?
- Itachi
…Nothing.
- Deidara
November 3rd
For some reason, there has been a lot of commotion going on outside the base for the past few hours.
Sir Leader (as in Pein, not Tobi) has ordered us to stay inside in case it is an attack which to be completely honest, wouldn't surprise me considering the casualties Halloween brought upon us.
November 4th
Still lots of noise outside…
Unfortunately, being inside our Konoha base (which is in a cave) we have no windows and hence, have no idea what is going on out there.
You would think that as the great and powerful leader of the Akatsuki, Pein would have taken our need to be able to see our surroundings into account.
Not that it matters… We are only S-rank criminals with enormous bounties on our heads.
Shut it, Itachi. Or I will make YOU go out and see what is going on.
- Pein
I'd rather not.
- Itachi
Scared? Chicken? Bock bock…
- Deidara
No, I am fishing. You should have noticed this considering you came INTO my room to WRITE in MY diary.
- Itachi
You just won't give Kisame a break will you? He loves his aquarium… I am so glad I do not have you as a partner… I trust you are releasing the fish you catch back into his fish tank?
- Sasori
Nope.
- Itachi
Cruel bastard…
- Deidara
November 5th
Despite my initial refusal yesterday, today I revoked my decision and braved the outside world to find out what all the commotion outside is about.
Even though it is highly unlikely and ridiculously stupid… Apparently, we have neighbours…
Ninja?
- Pein
I do not think so.
- Itachi
How can you NOT know!? Your Mangekyou Sharingan can SEE chakra.
- Kakuzu
I did not bother to check.
- Itachi
Well… What do they look like?
- Sasori
There is only one. He is tall and… slender.
- Itachi
No problem. Send Hidan over to say hello- oh wait…
- Konan
Shit, that's right… Hidan has no head!
- Deidara
…We should probably send someone to recover that at some point…
- Pein
November 6th
Thankfully, Sir Leader sent Kisame to find Hidans head and so for the moment, I am roommateless.
Is that a word? Roommateless? I declare it to be a word!
That's going to change. Our new neighbour needs a room while his cave is being painted. I've allowed him to stay with you for a few nights.
- Pein
Request permission to leave the base, Leader-sama?
- Sasori and Deidara
Why?
- Pein
Because I am pretty sure Itachi is not going to like that, yeah...
- Deidara
He'll be fine. You both are staying.
- Pein
November 7th
I hate Pein. I hate him a lot.
In fact, I hate him so much that if I see him today... or tomorrow... I will most likely Sharingan him until his eye sockets bleed.
Perhaps I will trap him in an eternal Mangekyou... Forever doomed to bare horrible torture...
No that is no fun.
Maybe I will call a chandelier shop and have the chandelier people install a chandelier somewhere that a chandelier should go.
Then I shall make it fall on Peins head...
This amuses me.
I sincerely wish I had of asked those two men we saw on Halloween how to inflict comas upon people.
Stop brooding, Itachi. You will look after our new neighbour. In fact this will be a good chance for us to determine whether or not he is a threat to our immediate existence.
You WILL put up with him and you will NOT scare him away...
And we are not getting a chandelier.
- Pein
Fuck you.
- Itachi
November 8th
I have the feeling there is something important happening today... but I can not put my finger on what it is...
That guy from next door is coming over.
- Deidara
No, it is something else...
- Itachi
Maybe its someones birthday?
- Sasori.
...No. That cant be it... Oh well, I suppose it is destined to remain a mystery.
- Itachi
YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE I FUCKING SWEAR! WHY DOESNT ANYONE REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY!?
- Sasori
Ah, but we do Sasori. We just don't care.
- Itachi
All of my hate...
- Sasori
November 9th
Itachi, when you read this I want you to come to my office. Your new umm... roommate says that he only saw you once before you disappeared.
To be honest I am slightly worried.
DUDE! Have you SEEN the guy!? And I thought Kakuzu looked scary! Holy shit he gives me the creeps.
- Deidara
Actually I am agreeing with Deidara on this. I have NEVER met someone who outclasses me in the weird looking department.
- Kakuzu
Hey guys!
- Mysterious Neighbour Who As Of Yet Has No Name (That I am willing to disclose)
WHAT THE FUCK!? HOW DID YOU FIND ITACHIS DIARY!?
- Deidara
I have been watching you all come in and write in it... Got curious.
- MNWAOYHNN
I never noticed you when I came in...
Kakuzu
No one ever does.
- MNWAOYHNN
Yeah... Whatever. Now I am going to have fucking nightmares... And where is Itachi!?
- Deidara
I have no idea what you are talking about.
- MNWAOYHNN
Oh god please don't tell me you ate him!?
- Deidara
I thought you didn't like Itachi, Deidara?
- Sasori
I don't. But I don't want this guy to get a stomach ache... Even if he is a creep.
- Deidara
November 12th
So it has been three days since Itachi went missing... I still think it was that freaky guy with tentacle hands but Sasori no danna seems to think that Itachi just went for a really, REALLY long walk...
Also it is quieter around here for some reason, yeah?
...Thats because Kakuzu went missing too.
- Pein
WHAT!? Oh god, this day just gets worse and worse!
- Deidara
November 13th
Hey guys...
Can you just go home already? You are really starting to freak me out. Your cave is most definitely painted by now so you don't need to stay here!
- Deidara
Dei... Have you seen Pein?
- Konan
Konan I will strangle you with my bare hands if you tell me he is missing.
- Deidara
...Him and Sasori are both gone.
- Konan
BUT THAT MEANS ITS JUST YOU AND ME LEFT, YEAH?!
- Deidara
And mee!
- Tobi
Go away, Tobi.
- MNWAOYHNN
November 14th
The freaky guy has gone home and now its just me and Tobi left in the base...
I don't know what happened to the others but they just disappeared into thin air.
None of their things have gone so it doesn't look like they packed up and left...
I'm really freaking out.. I think writing in this is the only thing keeping me sane.
It doesn't help that Tobi is going through a curiosity stage when it comes to horror movies and keeps playing 28 Days Later and Cannibal Holocaust...
Also I found out the name of that freak next door.
What kind of horrible woman names her son Slend R. Man?
November 15th
Despite how troublesome it has been and how long it took, I have finally returned back to the base after securing my new job.
Even though I do not care for such trivial things and find that simply brainwashing people into giving me their shiny objects, I also understand that it is something I should experience at some point in time.
I still think you could have chosen a better job, Itachi...
- Sasori
Dont be ridiculous. I shall excel at my new job.
- Itachi
Dare I ask?
- Konan
WAIT! YOU GUYS ARE BACK!?
- Deidara
Yes.
- Itachi
Where did you go!?
- Deidara
Nowhere. I have had you under a genjutsu for the last while. You imagined that we all abandoned you when in reality we were here all along.
-Itachi
But... How? Why? FOR WHAT REASON?!
- Deidara
You were getting annoying. It was kind of nice to see you walking around and not speaking to us. I liked the new Deidara.
- Sasori
You...You prick! What about that creepy neighbour? He was part of the hallucination too right?
- Deidara
Hey guyyyys!
Slend R. Man
Fuck.
-Deidara
November 19th
I must say, while the pay isn't as satisfactory as it could be, I am quite enjoying my new career. If only Sasuke would participate, I'm sure I could solve many of his problems.
Somehow I doubt that Itachi...
- Konan
What is he doing again?
- Pein
He is writing the Advice Column for the Shinobi Times.
- Sasori
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- Wait are you serious!?
-Pein
Dont laugh, I give wonderful advice.
- Itachi
I am going to test that somehow...
- Kakuzu
November 21st
Itachi... While I am pleased that you took the initiative to find yourself a job, I must also now ask that you quit. Somehow I don't think you are quite... Advice Columnist material...
- Pein
Ridiculous. My advice is life changing.
- Itachi
It sure is. Since you have begun writing in the newspaper the suicide rate of shinobi who send in letters to you has increased dramatically.
- Pein
You cant prove that.
- Itachi
Yes I can, I now read to you the latest newspaper clipping from your column.
First is the poor man who sent in his letter:
Dear Itachi
I have had the worst day of my life today and honestly need the opinion of someone professional to help me get back on my feet...
It all started when I was on my way to work and my car broke down.
I looked under the hood and to my horror, discovered that (insert generic car part here) had broken.
Not to mention that I was late to work.
In desperate need of help I called my wife in hopes that she could send someone out here to tow me off of the busy and potentially fatal highway that I was currently parked in the middle of, only to hear over the phone that she was cheating on me with my best friend.
I really need your help, I don't know what to do anymore...
Awaiting your reply,
Steve
-Pein
Ahh yes... Good old Steve.
- Itachi
Wow... That guys life sucked, yeah...?
- Deidara
Yes... And now here is Itachis reply:
Dear Steve.
It is time like this that I find murder to be very stress relieving, although in saying that I have been in a bit of a homicidal mood lately. Not quite sure why.
But anyway, back to answering your mopey, bitchy plea for advice...
You should probably get a new car.
And a new wife...
Maybe a new best friend...
Or maybe the problem lies elsewhere because as well as looking at the situation like that, I could also reveal the more obvious and logical answer.
Your wife needs a new husband, your best friend needs a new best friend and your poor damn car needs a new owner.
What a horrible person you are, interrupting your wifes scandalous and probably extremely satisfying and exciting sex life.
Not only did you ruin your wifes happiness but also the joy your best friend was probably feeling at discreetly getting revenge upon you because he clearly hates the way you abuse and treat your poor car.
The solution to your problem?
You should probably just die...
Love Itachi xoxox
-Pein
...Holy shit...
- Deidara
Thats jus-... Wow...
- Kakuzu
WHAT THE FUCK ITACHI!? WHO SAYS THAT!?
- Konan
The man who is getting paid 350$ per sentence... Thats who.
- Itachi
WEAR R ALL MI FISHIES!?
-Kissamee
November 24th
I found another one of Itachis advice columns... This one is actually kind of funny
- Sasori
I doubt any advice Itachi gives is funny...
- Konan
No, honestly. This is the letter someone sent in:
Hi Itachi.
To be honest, you sound like a bit of a dick but at the moment I really need help...
For years I have struggled with depression and the only thing that has gotten me through is watching reruns of Gilligans Island every night on the Generic Classical Reruns Channel.
But last night they announced that it was the last episode ever because ratings and views were dropping.
HELP! I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT GILLIGANS ISLAND!
-Bob
And here is Itachis response:
Dear Bob...
What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the water near Gilligans Island?
Love Itachi
-Sasori
...Thats just weird...
- Konan
As flattered as I am that you follow me in the papers, Sasori, I must ask you to stop. You are ruining my concentration.
- Itachi
November 28th
Hey guysss... mean Itachi...
I just moved house and my neighbours look really tasty.
All I can think about is devouring their souls.
Is this bad?
-Slend R. Man
Dear Slend R. Man
No... No it is not.
Devour them you foolish mortal!
But if one of your neighbours has black hair, red eyes and lives in a room with a giant fishtank you had best leave him alive... It bodes ill for your mental health to kill him.
Have fun torturing the rest of them
Love Itachi xx
WHAT THE FUCK ITACHI!? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DO-...
- Pein
Yes... Yes I do.
- Itachi
So again, Sorry for such a late update.
I probably wont update any of my stories for a while after the extremely late Christmas Special... Just stuff.
Also I apologise for this chapters crappy quality...
But I am seriously considering starting up another interactive story in which people can write to Itachi for advice... Just sounds like a fun thing to do lol.
So thank you for all your support everyone.
This chapter officially celebrates 150 likes to this story which of course, wouldnt be possible without all you guys.
See you soon guys.
Trigger and Itachi...
And probably Slenderman