A/N: Thank you guys so much for your reviews on the last chapter! :D And a special Thank you to Yummycreamcakes for being my 250th reviewer! I'm so glad that you guys could still appreciate such a sad chapter. Let's find out if things will be looking up for Alex in this one…

34. Resurfaced

ALEX

I don't really know what I'm doing. I wake up every afternoon very much hung over, I get out of bed, boil some water to make tea, drink the tea and then I get back in bed. Quite the rigorous routine, but it's just until I can make a new one. I told the Dauntless leader in charge of job placements that I needed a few weeks to contemplate my new work options. I also asked him not to tell my father, although I'm pretty sure he'll find out that I quit being a guard soon enough.

Thing is, I don't know what I want to do. A government job wouldn't be too bad I suppose. I'd get to work with my dad on occasion. It also means that I'd get a new apartment in the Pire, but I've been asking myself if I'd really be willing to leave this one. It holds too many memories of her, but I'd like to hold on to those memories. They're all I have.

It's been almost three weeks and I still haven't touched anything. Her tiny slippers are tucked away by the bed post right where she left them. I keep hoping she'll reappear and then everything could go back to the way it was. Maybe I should put them away. Maybe it would help me to accept that that's not going to happen. Maybe I don't want to accept that. Maybe I can't accept that.

Either way, I don't have much fight left. Even if by some miracle Abby does come back, factional law dictates that there could never really be an us. Faction before blood, after all. And that thought alone is like a thousand degree heat, sucking the life out of me. So most days I try not to think at all, but it's ridiculously hard considering that I pass the daylight hours doing nothing whatsoever.

Annabelle brings me lunch sometimes and Dani brings me scraps from dinner if he can manage to sneak away from Rae. I'd rather she not know that I've confined myself to my apartment. I don't want anyone else to see me like this. I know I'll eventually need to stop moping and re-join society, but what exactly is a man supposed to do after he's lost his purpose? And how exactly does he do it? By the looks of Jake, it doesn't ever really get any better. You stop living. You stop feeling. You just exist.

Never in a million years did I ever believe that in my darkest hour Jake would be the one to understand me. He's actually not a bad guy when he loosens up. We've even managed to have a couple slurred conversations. I can only imagine why he broke my sister's heart and his own in the process. I've been wanting to ask him, but if he feels the same way I do, I'm sure he doesn't want to talk about it.

I finish my dinner to the sound of heavy rain crashing against the concrete. I hear the thunder rolling and I wish I could see the lightening as it illumes the night sky. It's just another one of those things I miss from my childhood days. The Dauntless leaders and their families live on the higher floors so they have large windows. Our apartment even had a balcony overlooking the city. Me and my dad would go out there often and just talk, even though we both hate heights.

I sulk at the memory. It feels like just yesterday my life was so easy. I had everything I could ever want or need, and just like that I've lost so much. If this is what growing up is all about then… I'd like to tap out.

I decide to shower before bed since Anna had passionately suggested that I do so. And when I'm just standing there, letting the cold water massage my skin I figure it was a good idea. But the second I step out, and when instead of my face I only see shoulders reflected in the bathroom mirror, it triggers the old familiar pang of bitter nostalgia that I had forgotten for all of ten minutes. It was too high up for Abby, so I had to set it a bit lower. I struggle with myself for a while about whether or not I should put it back up where it was, but in the end I decide to just bend my knees a little, humouring the silly part of me that hopes if I leave the apartment exactly the way she left it then she'll come back.

I almost jump at the sight of my own face. It looks something close to horrifying. The stubble on the side of my jaw seems to have taken up more of my face than I had realized, adding about ten years to my appearance. And for the first time in a long time I actually want to do something; I shave.

The machine buzzes in my ear as I'm finishing up. The monotone whirring soothes me for some reason. It's like a sweet hum and it makes me drift off to a different place, but even in my somnolence I don't miss the loud and frantic tapping on my front door. I let out a heavy sigh as I force myself to get out of the bathroom. I quickly throw on a pair of boxers, turn off the bedroom lights and make my way to the door. It's probably Anna and she'll leave quicker if she thinks I was already in bed. Although she wouldn't stay long either way. She knows I want to be alone.

"Quit knocking! I'm coming!" I yell, but the frantic tapping doesn't stop. I swing the door open in one swift movement, ready to fake lecture my sister for waking me up, but my breath catches as my heart rises into my throat, and my fingers clutch at the door handle as my body visibly stiffens. Like a statue I stand frozen when I see who it is that has been knocking on my door. I forget to breathe.

Am I dreaming? I wonder. Is it not bad enough that every dream I dream is about her coming back to me that now I'm hallucinating?

I have to be. That is the only way she could be standing here. So I blink once, twice, waiting for the image to change or disappear, but it never does. Abby is still standing in my doorway, dripping from head to toe. Her wet, red curls are stuck to the sides of her jaw, and even though her cheeks have been bathed by the rain, I can still tell apart the raindrops from the tears. Her face looks pained, a bitter contrast to the incandescent smile that once lit up my every morning. But as filled with brokenness as it is, the beauty of her face is still the envy of blossomed roses and summer sunsets.

And with so much to do, I can't move. With so much to say, I can't speak.

My heart races inside my chest as my eyes search hers for answers, then I suddenly realize that she's dressed in her faction colours. Her clothes are dripping wet and they cling to her where they touch her body. I take her wrist and I gently pull her inside as I walk past her, looking both ways down the dark hallway making sure she wasn't followed. I close the door behind me as I turn to face her again. And looking deep into her eyes, I let it sink in.

She's really here.

"Alex," she says softly, and I finally exhale at the sound of her voice. Like a flood it all comes back to me, how badly I've been wanting to hold her, to kiss her just one more time. So I wait no longer.

Before I manage to speak a word or think a complete thought I close the space between us as an irrepressible kind of yearning possesses me. Without permission my lips collide with hers in a violent kiss and for a split second I wonder if she'll push me away. I don't know why she's here. But when her arms find themselves around my back and grasping at my hair as she returns the kiss just as fervently, I know exactly what brought her here.

One hand reaches for the back of her neck, grabbing at her wet curls, urging her face deeper into mine and the other cradles her back, pressing her body into me. I stumble backwards as the force of her kiss propels me. She misses me too and god, can I taste the longing on her lips. My back slams hard against the wall, waking up several parts of me; parts of me that I know that she can feel pressed against her. Still, she pushes her drenched body harder against the already harder parts of me, her lips unwilling to part with mine and I don't want them to. Oh, I don't want them to. But we need to talk.

I break free from her grip, breathing heavily into her face, trying to slow down my heart rate while simultaneously organizing my thoughts. My hands hold her head steadily between them and I tilt her face upwards with my thumbs. Her eyes are closed, swollen.

"You shouldn't have come here," I say. Although it's all I've ever wanted, all I've ever dreamed about since the day she told me we couldn't be together, since the day she left and paralyzed me. "It's not safe anymore, Abby," I add, my eyes scanning over the wet clothes on her skin, their orange hue the object of my abhorrence, the emblem of her choice. A choice that cannot be undone.

"I'm so sorry, Alex," she sobs. "I didn't know what else to do. I was so scared to leave and now I've ruined everything. I've ruined everything and I don't- I don't know what to do anymore." Her lips are shaking and her hands fidget with her blouse when she cries, "I didn't know where else to go." And she shakes her head and says, "Because I don't want to be anywhere else. I- I understand if you hate me- but- I just- I just had to see you. It just hurts so much and- and I don't know- I don't know what to do."

"Abby, slow down," I say as she hiccups through her words. "Breathe, baby." I rub my hand against her hair as she presses her face into my chest, fighting to breathe. Her arms wrap tightly around me and her body feels cold against mine. She's shaking violently and her fingers almost dig into the skin of my back. My first thought would've been that she's frozen from being drenched by the rain, were it not for the way she's holding me.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," she cries over and over when she catches her breath. I shake my head avidly, trying to tell her that this is not her fault, but the words can't seem to get past the fact that she's in my arms. My Abby is in my arms. "I know I can't be here," she speaks into my chest. "I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you everything and I was waiting for you at the fence but you never came back."

I only never went back because she told me that she didn't think we should see each other anymore, and if she was going to try and move on then I wasn't going to get in the way of that. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that beautiful little head of hers.

Abby pulls away and her fingers find their way around my neck and into my hair again. I press my forehead to hers, absorbing her, breathing her air, becoming lost in her the way I always do. And even though my eyelids are closed tight, I can feel the intensity in her eyes as she stares at me. I don't know how long we stay like that, but I do know that I savour every second of it, wishing we could spend eternity there.

"What did you want to tell me?" I whisper when I finally find my words. And against my lips she whispers, "I wanted to tell you that I can't be without you either, Alex." She slowly takes a breath. "I love you."

They are three simple words, but I hear so much more in them than I thought I ever would and they seize control of my lips as I take hers into mine, kissing her with a kiss that screams I love you too. We taste our salted tears as they stream down our faces and mix together, smashed between our lips as we kiss.

My hands have their way as they slide down her arms and up the smooth skin of her stomach. In haste, I remove the wet shirt that blocks the path my hands would like to take. Abby shivers and moans into my mouth as my fingers trace the hills on her chest, and exploring ever downward they grab at her hips, gently leading her to the bed where we made love for the first time and so many times after that.

We make our way there quickly, our lips not breaking apart for even a second as we stumble through the darkness. We tear away at the remaining garments that hinder us and we toss them blindly, letting them land where they may. And as love and longing dominate me, my lips kiss the mouth that they have missed, and my hands caress the skin that they have pined for.

We cleave to one another until we're no longer two separate bodies, but one entangled being, and together we move to a passionate rhythm. Lurid moans slip past her lips as I show her just how much I've missed her, breathing jaggedly into my neck as we immerse ourselves in an act of love, an act of love and of utter defiance and disregard for the system that threatens to tear us apart. But in this moment, I don't cogitate on the hopeless and potentially dangerous situation that we've gotten ourselves into. No. In this moment factional law does not exist. All that exists is me, her, and the unquenchable fire that burns between us. And for what seems like the entire rest of the night, we let it consume us.

It's dawn when I wake, and I open my eyes only to find Abigail's incredible hazel irises staring back at me. Her eyes remind me of honey, golden honey. They look bright under the tiny circles of dim light that pierce through the air shunts in the wall, and when they hit her tangled hair, it glistens.

We're both still tucked together under the white bed sheet, our legs tangled and her body pressed tightly against my chest. In that moment I feel like I'm holding the world, or all that matters in it, in my arms. It feels as though all is as it should be, as though she was never gone. But the truth is, she was. And during that time, one really big thing has changed, causing more than just a ripple in what was once our seamless flow toward eternity together. But as I stare at her, I try to stay lost in the strength of her eyes for just a bit longer before I let my mind be plagued by the inimical and perverse but very real reality that she should not be here.

"Hey," she whispers. Her voice is clear and even and it makes me wonder how long she's been awake.

"Hey," I whisper back. My hand finds the smooth skin of her face and she kisses my fingers as I trace them softly against the side of her jaw and against her lips. She feels perfect under the skin of my palm. Wanting to feel the gentle pressure of her lips against mine, I lean forward to kiss her and even before our lips separate I find myself admitting, "All I ever wanted was for you to come back to me."

"I never should have left you," Abby says, her eyes glossing over, and goose bumps rise on my arms at her confession. "I should have known that I could never be happy in Amity anymore, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to be there because you wouldn't be." She treads her fingers into my hair, letting her hand rest on my neck. "You changed me," she says quietly. "But I was afraid of it. I tried to fight it and I thought that if I tried hard enough I could go back to the way I was, but I was wrong. It was safer, easier in some ways, and much less terrifying but it wasn't what I wanted."

"If being with me is what you wanted then why were you afraid of it?" I ask softly. It's a hypocritical question. All of me wants her, but I'm scared to death of how much I love her, of just how much my ability to function relies on her existence.

"Human beings are naturally afraid of what they don't understand," she says. "And I've never been able to stop myself from falling in love with you, even though every minute I spent with you I did or said or felt something that I was always taught not to. At first, being with you was like swimming against the current; paradoxical, yet absolutely refreshing."

"And now? How does being with me feel now?" I press my hand into her back, pulling her even closer to me. Her bare skin feels warm against mine. There is no one word to describe how being with Abigail feels. It's like a rush of a million wonderful things hitting me all at once.

"When I'm with you now it feels like we are the current," she whispers. "Like we decide who we are. Not our factions." And with a slight shrug she says, "I'm not Dauntless… or Amity. I'm just the girl who wants to wake up beside Alexander Eaton every day for the rest of her life."

I smile at this. "I certainly want that too," I say.

I always dreamed that I'd meet someone who felt the same way I did about our city's divide and rule. I never imagined that she'd be so beautiful though. Or that it'd be a she.

Abby is all that I could have ever hoped for, but even so, reality persists outside of the walls of my small apartment, and in that reality people aren't free to decide who they are. Now that we're both members of separate factions, too close an affiliation could have us both branded as faction traitors, which is synonymous to being forced out… or worse. This is forbidden. We are forbidden. How could something so beautiful be forbidden?

"But you know what happens if we get caught," I add, my voice noticeably tenser.

Abby nods and I watch as her eyes become heavy and flooded with tears as her mind takes her to a place of distressing thoughts, thoughts that my own mind had tenaciously evaded… until now.

What do we do now?

It's a single thought. It's a simple question. But it weighs so heavy in Abigail's eyes that I feel it pulling me under. It's a question we both know has only one answer; we stay together. But that answer leads to a question of its own, and before Abigail ever asks it I say, "We'll figure it out," even though I have no idea how.

With sorrow etched in her voice she says, "Will we? I've ruined everything, Alex." A single tear leaks from her eyes and crashes against her pillow when she asks, "What if we can't figure it out? What if there's no other way but to leave?"

"Then we leave," I say without second thought. Being factionless is the worst fear of almost every citizen of this city, greater even than the fear of death, but it's not mine. My worst fear is living in a world where Abigail isn't mine, and I've lived there long enough to know that nothing is worse.

She searches my eyes questioningly and when she seems to have found the answer she was looking for she shakes her head and cries, "No. No. You're all I'll ever need, Alex. And I'd want to be with you even if it meant that we had nothing else but each other. But I can't ask so much of you. I'd never forgive myself."

"It's my sacrifice to make," I say. And in all honesty it's not much of a sacrifice. My grandmother would see to it that we were comfortable, and my family would be distraught but they would never abandon me. I would have much less than I have now, but if Abby is with me then I wouldn't mind it at all. But before I can properly fight my case she presses a palm into my cheek and says, "One you'd only have to make because I was supposed to come be with you and I didn't."

"Don't say that," I say firmly. "Don't blame yourself for this. It wasn't fair of me to ask of you what I did. I know that now."

"It wasn't fair but it was the only way and we both knew that," she says strongly. "I can't let you choose to leave your home because I was too afraid to choose to leave mine."

"You are my choice, Abby," I say just as stubbornly. I chose her a long time ago. "And if choosing you means leaving Dauntless then so be it, because leaving might be the only way."

I don't know what would happen if we were to be caught. They can do more than just expel us from our factions, and as much as I want to be with Abby, I'd never let any harm to come to her. Still, she shakes her head and says, "I can't let you do that," as if she could stop me. "You don't understand. It's not the same for you. You're happy in Dauntless in a way I could never be in Amity. I'd be leaving nothing and you'd be leaving everything. I'd rather come be with you here," she says. She bites her wobbling lip and whimpers, "I was supposed to come be with you here."

But the time for that has long passed and no good can come from dwelling on it. So I wipe the tears from her eyes and say, "That's wishful thinking, Abby. It's not like you can just walk in at the end of Dauntless initiation."

But that's when it occurs to me… What if she can?

It's a crazy idea, but I'd be a dead man before I let that stop me from trying. It might be the only option that keeps her safe.

"But if you could," I ask Abby carefully, "would you?"

She pinches her eyebrows together in confusion, but she doesn't hesitate to nod against her pillow. "But is that really possible?" she then asks.

"I don't know," I say.

I don't. But I know someone in high places who might. And I think it's time I claimed my birthright.

A/N: :O Gasp! Please let me know what you thought of this chapter!