Chapter Thirty-Six – Coffee & Cigarettes
Craig could hear the faint sound of someone moving around in the flat, he could hear the kettle boiling and the clatter of cutlery being thrown into the sink. He had waited up until 3am waiting for Tom to come home, but he never had. Even as he had got into bed he still lay there for a while, waiting to hear the door open, but he hadn't and sleep had won over.
He had been ready last night to confront Tom about the things John Paul had said, he had been ready to question him over all the accusations John Paul had made, but now he just felt too exhausted to do any of it. Almost as if it just wasn't worth it any more.
He finally felt like he had been getting somewhere with John Paul. Things had been good. Really good. Really he should have seen this coming, he shouldn't have been so stupid to have invited Tom out with them, so naive to think that those two worlds could exist together, that he could be with John Paul and still keep Tom as his friend. Especially when just being with John Paul was turning out to be the hardest thing of all.
He didn't want to give up on John Paul, even last night, the struggle within himself to stay with him regardless of everything that had been said was so strong, but he didn't know how much more he could take of constantly being pushed away by John Paul. He could never quite figure out where it came from. From jealousy or fear. Maybe it was both. Whatever it was, Craig had thought he could handle both, that it wouldn't matter as long as John Paul always knew that he was exactly what Craig wanted. But he felt like he was finally opening his eyes to see what was really going on around him. Perhaps it had been the presence of Tom that had made him so aware of John Paul's actions, he didn't know. But he had never been so aware of John Paul's constant casting him aside, the way he would barely meet his eyes or even speak to him.
It must have happened before Craig knew that much, but had he been so blinded by his feelings for John Paul that he didn't even realise?
Craig sat up quickly from the bed, standing up he looked around the room. It was still as bare as the day he had moved in here. He had never added much of himself to this room. He thought back to his room back at his Mum's, drawings on the walls, pictures of Hannah and Nancy, pictures of him, of Tom. What was it he had been looking for when he moved in here? What exactly was it he hoped to escape from? He couldn't even remember. He had never been so cut off from his family. He never expected for a second he would miss it. But today he did. He wished he was back in his old room, the smell of breakfast pouring through his door, the sound of Steph and Darren arguing as they ate, he missed it. His Mum had been dropping so many hints over the last few visits at the hospital, and so many times he had just wanted to say yes and that he would come back, but something seemed to stop him, pride maybe. Even the fear that all the problems, all the reasons he left would resurface.
He walked to his door and pulled on his jeans from last night, his white vest still on from sleep, finally feeling brave enough to venture out of the room. He looked up and down the hall, he could hear the shower running in the bathroom and Tom's door open, he walked slowly towards it, and
stopped halfway, before turning back and quickly marching into the living room to get to the kitchen, hoping to avoid it for a while longer.
The avoidance he wanted however did not happen. Tom was pottering around in the kitchen, cleaning dishes, wiping down the surfaces. Craig couldn't help but laugh quietly to himself. Most mornings he would find Tom like this, they shared their own private joke about Tom making someone an excellent wife one day. The smile faded quickly as he realised that it hadn't been like that between them for a long time. The comfortableness of the friendship missing somehow, and Craig couldn't help but feel completely to blame.
Tom turned round and caught Craig's eye straight away. A small smile appeared before he turned back round and began making coffee. Craig edged back into the living room and stopped as soon as he saw the dining table. Two suitcases sitting in front of it. He quickly glanced back at Tom and then down at the suitcases again. His whole body turned around and watched Tom. He seemed calm and relaxed, happily carrying on as normal. He turned again to face Craig, his smile soon fading as he saw the expression he was met with. His eyes glancing down to the suitcases.
Craig moved out the room, and down the hallway, pushing open Tom's door fully, looking inside. Everything that made Tom's room was gone. The pictures on the wall, the bedding the books on the shelfs, the CD's organised in some random order. Craig pulled open the wardrobes and slammed the shut straight after, all of them empty. He stepped backwards and the back of his legs met the bed, he sat down, and looked around, this room now as empty as his.
"You can check under the bed as well if you like. There's nothing there"
Craig snapped his head up to see Tom standing in the doorway, leaning against the door frame. He shook his head "I don't understand"
Tom sighed heavily "Oh come on Craig, of course you do. I think it's pretty obvious don't you?"
A silence fell over the room, as Craig took everything in. He didn't want this to be real. It could quite easily be a dream, he could still be asleep, he closed his eyes tightly hoping it would be. But as he opened them again to look around he saw the room was still empty. Tom was walking into the room now, moving past the bed and looking out of the large window at the back of the room.
"I don't want you to leave Tom" It was a pathetic plea, Craig knew that much. It didn't say everything he wanted to say, he couldn't find any more words than that.
"I know you don't. There's a part of me that doesn't want to either. But if I stay here, I'm always going to be this person for you Craig, and as much as I want to be, there's also this other part of me that thinks I deserve more than that. That I can't sit around waiting for you, because that is what I'd be doing. As long as you keep me close, I'll always hope there's a chance for more. When you and I both know, that's never going to happen" Craig heard Tom sigh heavily, and he turned his head to look at him.
He was still staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts. Tom turned his head and their eyes locked "You'll always pick him, and that's okay. But I can't... I can't watch the two of you be together, and fight, and be happy"
Craig stood up and walked slowly to stand in front of Tom. "Why does it have to be that way? Why do I have to choose?"
"You don't. There is no choice. You already made yours. I'm the one whose been making you conflicted, I think you've been sure of your feelings for John Paul from the first moment you saw him. I was just something that got in the way, I could see myself losing you and I didn't want to. I know you're blaming yourself right now Craig. But you shouldn't be. This is just as much my fault. I knew when I told you how I felt the feelings you had for John Paul, I knew when I asked you to move in here I was making it harder on myself, and I know every time you call me and you need me I come running because I don't want to see you in any pain, and I do it all so easily, because I love you"
"You don't have to leave Tom. I should leave, this is your home. I don't even belong here..."
"This isn't my home. I'm not just leaving here Craig. I'm leaving Chester. I'm going to see my Nan for a couple of days, and then I'm gone..."
"Where are you going to go?"
Tom shrugged his shoulders and turned to look back out the window "Wherever I want. I spent most of my life helping people who were like me when I was a kid, people with nowhere to go, all I ever really wanted was somewhere to fit in. To feel like I belonged you know? And for a little while, I thought I had found that. But I realised relying on people to help you fill those holes you have, it doesn't work, it's just something you have to find yourself. And I haven't found it"
Craig knew there was no point in fighting this, he could see the decision already made in Tom's eyes. He knew that any attempt to make Craig stay would only be selfish on his part. He had been holding onto Tom for the reassurance he needed of having someone in his life. He had been there for him when he felt like no one else had, and the fear of losing that was crippling. But this wasn't about him, it was about Tom and what Tom needed. For so long Tom had put Craig first above everything, even his own feelings, and now Craig had to do the same for his friend, no matter the pain he felt in the process.
Craig closed the small distance that was between the two of them, and pulled Tom's body close to his own. Tom's arms were hesitant in wrapping round Craig, but they soon rested on his back, holding onto him tightly, his head wresting on Craig's shoulder.
"I'm going to miss you so much" Craig could feel Tom nodding against his shoulder and then him pulling away slightly. Craig kept his arms around Tom even as he moved back, and Tom placed his hands on Craig's face.
"You are going to be fine. I know you think you aren't strong enough, but you are. You have to
promise me one thing though okay? Never let anyone feel like you aren't good enough. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve..." Tom leaned in again his head resting on Craig's shoulder, his lips near Craig's ear "And don't give up on him"
Craig pulled back slightly to look into Tom eyes. Every else seemed to melt away for a brief moment, all the drama and pain from over the past few months, and for the first time he could remember, all he could see as he looked back at Tom was his best friend. The boy he had met that day when he felt lost and alone, the one who pulled him out of it and always said exactly the right thing.
"You were right about one thing earlier as well you know..." Tom smiled slightly still holding onto Craig "You don't belong here. Go home Craig. Go to your family"
Craig went to open his mouth, but Tom leaned in quickly and softly pressed his lips against Craig's, his hands moving up to hold onto his face. It lasted only a few seconds, as Craig pulled away he watched Tom, his eyes still close, clearly committing the moment to memory, then he was smiling again.
"And don't worry about Jake. These things have a way of working themselves out in the end..."
Craig knew that Tom was going to say more, but he had said enough already, everything that needed to be said, and he leaned in again. If this was the last time he was going to see Tom for who knows how long, he wanted the moment to be more than Tom helping him again. He wanted it to be just about the two of them, and what they had. He pressed his lips against Tom's, deepening the kiss quickly, waiting for Tom to respond, and he soon did. His hands back on Craig's face, then running through his hair. Craig pressed against Tom, enjoying the comfort of being so close to him again, his hands moving up Tom's back, resting there pressing the two of them together.
Craig finally broke away, he watched as Tom stepped back, breathless and slightly shocked by Craig's actions "Something to remember you by?"
"Yeah. Something like that" Craig smiled softly, and moved away from Tom's embrace, still holding onto his hand. He looked out the window and saw a cab waiting on the street below. "Would you have said goodbye..."
"Of course I would" Craig turned to look at Tom, the sincerity in his eyes made it clear he didn't need to question it any further.
"Don't come down to the cab. Be easier this way"
He felt Tom let go of his hand, and move away. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things that he should have said, but never got the chance. He knew Tom could see the struggle he was having to try and convey everything he was feeling with just a few words, how could he say goodbye.
"Craig, you don't have to say anything. I know.
Everything you want to say, I understand"
Craig smiled softly and nodded "I love you"
"I know you do, but you'll get over it" Tom smiled widely before turning out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Craig fell back against the wall, falling down it and meeting the ground. He wanted to lift himself up and run out and stop Tom from leaving, he wanted to be selfish enough to do that, to beg him to stay, it took all the strength he had not to. He pressed his fingers together curling them into fists, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall.
He could hear footsteps in the hallway, it would have been so easy, all he had to do was run out and stop this from happening, he could still do it. The sound of the door shutting had him on his feet and across the room, his hand was on the handle ready to follow, but again he stopped himself, kicking the door before he turned away, the emptiness of the room facing him once again. That's when he saw it, the one thing of Tom's that he had left behind. Sat on the bedside cabinet was the same picture that had always been there. The one of two friends, two people who had found each other when they felt no one else would ever understand or be there for them. Craig clutched onto it tightly, looking down at the two smiling faces, he felt like his own was barely recognisable.
Still holding onto the the photo, he walked back to the window, the cab still waiting. Tom standing by the door, Jasmine throwing the suitcase in the back of the car. He watched the two of them hug quickly, and Tom opening the door. Pausing for a moment, looking up at the window where Craig stood. They both knew one another was there, a small smile forming for both of them. And then Tom was gone, the door was closed and the cab had pulled away, Craig watched it till it disappeared into nothing.