An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for Herbert the sextacticle!*

"We were lost,

And now were found,

Oh look,

It's Gollum,

He says he can help,

There are smiles abound,

No frowns of frost,

Like in a book…"

Chapter 34: Gollum The Guide

"Your name is Gollum," I sighed to myself at Gollum. Gollum then gave a knowledgeable nod, he was a very calm guy his was sitting the Indian style, mixed with zen.

" My, my, my, my, my how rude are we not introducing ourselves, right hobbits," Gandalf turned around smiling and nodding. We all laughed nervously, we didn't want to upset Gandalf, who knows what would happen.

Gandalf then shoved everyone on his hips, " Say hi to Aragon, then to Gimli, Then we have Legolas he's a nice man, Here's Sam, Merry, Pippin they say top o' the morning, and here's Frodo he's quite the ravishing little boy." Gollum nodded and stroked his chin, he was deep in thought knowing what was happening.

Gandalf then pointed at me, " And this right here is my friend Farkus!"

I growled at everyone.

"Aye, help ye be needing," Gollum said pacing thoughtfully.

Pippin then piped in, " We need to go to Mourdor, if you would be so kind sir."

Gollum then puffed his cigarette and whispered, " Mourdooooor."

" Ah good sir, so you live there," Gimli said politely.

Gollum then paced furiously, " NO I WILL NOT HAVE IT, MOURDOR IS NOT FOR THE WEAK AT HEART, INCLUDING ALL OF YOU!"

I then stood up bravely, " The ring calls me there!"

Gollum then yelled, " Don't tell people that it's a secret, nobody knows of it, you could get killed or lost!" I then looked down to the ground and started to tear up.

" Oh Herbert you're so cute when you're being forgetful," Sam gushed.

"Shut up Sam, no one told him that yet," Gandalf shoved.

Aragon then got in Sam's face in a classy way, " Yes young one don't get mad at him for things he hasn't even done."

Gollum then interrupted shaking, " Mourdor, yes I have a map." We all gasped!

Legolas looked up, " If we head out now we can get there before the sun sets!"

Gimli then picked up his backpack, " Yeah, I second."

Pippin then pipes in, "I will third!"

Gollum then growled and spit on the ground, " Affirmitive, terminate the talking, all of you are making me angry!"

Sam talks by Gollum's ear, "Oooooooh looks like someone's angry, right boys?" We all kind of giggled.

Gollum then flipped around and took out his knife, "You feeling lucky my friend, I want to koll you," Gollum gave a raspy wet yell. Sam gulped.

" Be careful little man you don't know the dangers of the blade, Thou blade is a very hard, wanting nothing more hence being in my body, thy stick it deep, making the wound seen to all o' the majestic middle earth, if this what brings you happy soul, please, do it to me," Gandalf sobbed while closing his eyes.

Merry then had tears come to his eyes, " Gandalf.."

Gollum then sprinted all crazy eyed at Gandalf, "Oh so the young man wants to die do he, wants to be a hero do ye?"

Then Gandalf was all like, " I'm doing this for my people, my race, my love thut runs through my very veins in my soul, you see, I shall never ever ever ever ever give up Herbert!"

I then grunted and ran in front of Gollum dramatically, " No you can't do this, HE'S MY GRANDPA!" Everyone gasped the wind blew my hair in my wind.

Gollum gasped, " Herbert The Hobbit, It's really you!"

I then whipped my hands out, " Yes it is I Herbert The Hobbit, let Gandalf go!"

Gollum then did a sexy half smile, " Oh yeah?" I then nodded seriously and went mm.

Gollum then did that thing where you rub the tip of your knife, " And to whom do I owe this fabulous favor?"

Gandalf then gulped, " This favor is for me, YOU OWE IT TO ME!"

Gollum quickly whipped it out, " Gandalf, how did you get here?"

Gandalf replied sassily as he got closer to Gollum, "Easily, you aren't that hard to find sir Smeagle!" Gandalf pulled out his cane, and Gollum pulled out his knife. I then started to feel so light, and fragile. Then all of a sudden I fainted!

"HERBERT," Everyone yelled as they ran up to me, then everything went black. Then a few hours later I woke up and I was in the hospital, they had me in the white hospital gown, my room had a get better balloon in it, everyone was there!

Frodo then cried tears of joy, " Herbert I was so worried about you!"

"Oh no I'm fine don't worry for me," I said weakly.

Gollum then spoke, " But we were so concerned about you, I would be so sad if you died!"

I smiled with my eyes, " You guys are my best friends in the entire world!" Then at that moment a handsome male doctor came in with a clipboard, he had big biceps.

"Oh sir Herbert you're awake that's great news," The handsome doctor said with sparkles in his eyes. We all smiled and looked at each other.

"Doctor what's happened to Herbert why did he faint," Frodo begged the doctor for answers.

The doctor then sighed, " Well Herbert…. You're Pregnant!"

Stay Tuned For Chapter 35 of Herbert The Hobbit!