EPOV ... Cus I haven't done it in soooo long! :P
It wasn't as if my leaving her wasn't hard. It was more difficult than anything that I had been put through that day. Jacob was... unexpected, but still, not nearly as trying as leaving my beautiful girl in that childish hospital room.
My hand hurt, but I'd been through worse. At least I hadn't broken anything, only severe bruising. I'd live.
I sighed, balling my non-injured digits into a fist that swung in an unhinged fashion at my side as I made my way back to the second floor. I kept my head down, keeping myself shut off, keeping the rest of the world at a distance. Somewhere in the back of my mind I registered the hustle and bustle that could only be described as an Emergency Room soundtrack, and the loud voices of doctors and nurses as they passed me, wheeling less fortunate patients than I to various operating rooms.
But I just kept walking.
I needed some form of stability, something to ground me. Usually, Bella was that for me. My confidant, my constant. But, when said constant becomes the central origin of all of your doubts and uncertainties, than confiding in them becomes obsolete.
So, I would turn to the only other person I could. Someone who could listen, someone who could be there for me. My brother.
I found him in the hallway, just outside the waiting room. He seemed to be calmer than he had appeared nearly an hour ago. His eyes weren't as cold or as harsh, his fists relaxed against his thighs as he sat, chin tilted toward the ceiling, beside one Rosalie Hale whose head leant gently on Emmett's shoulder.
"Edward!" The sound of my mother's voice was both comforting, and unsettling. Her tone seemed so worried, and when I turned to meet her hazel gaze, I too found evidence of pain and motherly confliction portrayed in her soft features. She nearly ran toward me, wrapping her small form around my own. I hunched over to wrap my arms around her waist and lay my head atop hers.
"I'm alright." I managed to say, hoping that my voice didn't seem as dead and monotone as I felt. Although I loved my mother, it wasn't her arms that I desired to be wrapped up in. Those arms were empty, alone, and confused somewhere on the first floor of this godforsaken place.
I couldn't handle the mental pictures my subconscious was conjuring. Bella sitting alone, arms wrapped around her middle, eyes welling with tears, salty tracks running in parallel streams across her rosy cheeks.
I wanted to scream. To curl up in a ball and just... give up. This day had proved to me, more than anything else, how much of a shit-fest my life was turning out to be.
I hurt everyone I seemed to get close to. My parents, my siblings, my friends, Addie, my son ... Bella. Even Jacob, who I had shown no previous liking to, I seemed to find some semblance of remorse for. Although his lies were ludicrous and unethical... he too was hurting, because he lost his best friend... because she had felt she wasn't enough. And whether that was my own fault or his, we both had starring roles in her eventual demise. He had hurt me, he had hurt her... but I had also hurt him.
I pulled away from Esme, hanging my face dejectedly as she placed a soft kiss on my forehead.
"You know how much we love you, Edward." It wasn't meant as a question, just a reminder. In all this mess, I sometimes lost track of who cared for me, unconditionally, irrevocably, even if time and time again I seemed to prove myself more of a disappointment.
"I know." Was my only response, and she left to stand beside a somber looking Carlisle. I gave him a slight grin, but let's face it, I wasn't actually trying. I couldn't try.
"Andy is fine, he's still snoozing." The information supplied by my little sister was taken with gratitude. I wanted to be there for him, but right now I needed to sort out the crazy mess in my head before I could fully be there for him.
"Will you stay with him?" My request seemed to catch her off guard, but she nodded nonetheless, proceeding to re-enter the room. Jasper followed after her, questioning with his eyes if that was all right. I simply nodded.
"Can we get you anything, dear? Bella brought you up some dinner, but I'm afraid it's gone cold." She spoke, gesturing toward a plastic dinner tray that sat atop a nearby coffee table.
"No, thanks." Hearing Bella's name only served to make me cringe internally. "Could... Rose could you go check on her?" I couldn't bring myself to say her name. "She should be down in the ER." Rosalie gave me a confused look, and than a glare, as she must have realized the ass I had been and was being by leaving my girlfriend alone at a time like this.
"Of course, do you want me to explain?" She was referring to the Jacob situation, which Bella was still, somewhat, in the dark about. I nodded. It should have been me down there explaining these things to her, being there for her, assuring her that everything was going to be alright. That I was all right. Because, for some reason, she still found the ability to worry about my wellbeing. Even if I had been nothing but a dick to her by practically ignoring her since our dinner with Charlie.
She got up, running a few fingers thought Emmett's matted curls and offering him a 'goodbye'.
He nodded, whispering something intelligible. Which, I assumed was something along the lines of 'love you' because, Rose's face seemed to soften tremendously, a lazy smile painting her tense expression with gratitude.
She left.
I stood, being awkwardly silent as I attempted to organize my thoughts into an understandable fashion. I needed to rant, to vent all of these thoughts and fears to someone, and I knew that although Emmett didn't seem to be so, he was tremendously perceptive. And, although he seemed to blatantly point out each of my asshole-like tendencies, he was ultimately doing it to help.
"Can we talk?" I finally asked, stuffing my left hand into my pocket. I swung my braced arm along my thigh, my hand wanting to mirror its partner, but not being able to. It was annoying to feel so confined.
"Sure." Emmett answered, sighing as he leant forward, resting elbows to knees. I gave a fleeting glance toward my parents, who, I wasn't sure I wanted present for this conversation.
Carlisle gave me a nod of understanding. "We'll just be going for some coffee." He offered, wrapping an arm around my mother's waist and guiding her from the room and toward the elevators.
After a moment or two, they were out of sight. The only occupants of the room remaining being a rack full of out of date magazines, an abandoned tray of food, my brother, and I.
"Some night, huh?" Emmett spoke, his tone not in the least playful. It seemed almost as worn out as my own must have been. He wasn't pointing out the obvious to ease the tension of the situation with a bit of humor; he was highlighting the fact that this night was completely surreal.
"You could say that." I replied, shuffling my feet along the gray, industrial carpeting as I took my place in Rose's former seat. "This whole night is totally fucked up." He supplied, turning his face to the right to look at me. I nodded in agreement.
"These past few days have been the same." I pulled my left hand from the pocket of my sweats and ran the fingers through my hair. My short nails catching in the knotted strands. "I need a fucking shower." I remarked, breathing a hysterical sort of laugh.
Emmett didn't respond to my random statement, only continuing to stare at the ugly floor.
"So," I gathered myself after another passing moment, preparing to say...whatever I felt needed to be said. "I think I need some advice." My words seemed to amuse him almost, although the smile that adorned his face didn't seem to supply his light eyes with their usual spark.
"You think?" He repeated, kicking out his heels along the carpeting, the scuffing noise breaking and conquering the unease and tension.
"Yea. Things have been... things have been confusing lately." I stared, unseeing across the room as I uttered the words. I just felt so out of it, as if this wasn't actually happening to me. As if, the events of the past few days have just been a dream, a dream that I have watched from afar. I was so emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. I almost felt sick from all the worries and fears and anger that I had been constantly repressing.
"More confusing than Jacob fucking Black showing up tonight." Emmett questioned, his tone hard and unforgiving. Tonight's events seemed to catch everyone off guard. Not just Bella and I. I worried most how the information was affecting her, but I seemed blind to the fact that everyone was obviously in shock.
This further proved that I was not only the shittiest boyfriend in the world, but also the shittiest brother. I didn't deserve either Alice or Emmett.
"Yea, Jacob seems... simple compared to all the Charlie crap." I sighed, knocking the back of my head against the plaster of the wall behind me. Emmett quirked a questioning brow.
"You know Charlie only wants what is best for Bella. You can't really fault him for that, although I do think he's being an asshole about the whole thing." I nodded, staying silent for the moment, hoping he would continue. It was relaxing in a way to have someone else reiterate the situation; it made it easier to look at it from different points of view.
"I mean, he's kinda making Bella feel guilty, don't you think?" He mused, pulling at a lose thread on his jeans.
"What do you mean?" I wondered, hoping he would explain his thought processing.
"It's like this. So, Charlie goes and tells you that having Bella in your life isn't good for her, that he wants her to experience everything, that she's too young to be a parent, etc." I nodded, willing him on. "But, there is obviously two sides to this. What do you think he's telling, Bella?"
I gave him a look, but answered his question. "The same thing, that she's not ready to be parent, that she should date other people." Emmett nodded, but circled a finger though the air in a gesture meant for me to dig deeper.
I huffed in frustration. "I don't know what you're getting at, man." I relented, just wanting him to spit it out. "Ed," I gave him a look. "Edward, there has got to be more to it than that. Bella's smart, she knows what she's gotten herself into with you. She entered into a relationship with you, knowing you had a son, accepting that it was going to be different, she knew that. And, dude, Charlie knows that she knew that too. So, what would you tell Bella to make her think twice about it all? What would you tell her to piss her off, or to make her question everything?" His voice died off, as if expecting me to finish his thought.
"Um...?" Emmett huffed dramatically pinching the bridge of his nose. A gesture, I feared, was influenced by none other than myself.
"What is the one thing Bella will defend no matter what, who is the one person she never wants to hurt?" And then it all fell into place... like the muted click of the last piece of a puzzle being added to the whole. And now I could clearly see the idea Emmett was forming.
"Me."
"Now you're getting it. Charlie probably told her that she's holding you back or some shit like that, that she's being a nuisance or whatever." I growled at the very thought, Bella was never a nuisance, but if the idea that she was had been placed into her head, I knew that it would only serve to feed her insecurities.
And then I thought back to this afternoon, seeing her blatantly ignore her father's calls, time after time. "She kept ignoring all his calls today." I offered as another piece of evidence to support Em's theory.
Theory. My subconscious seemed to scoff at my implications. You mean his reality, dipshit.
Bella was hurting; Charlie had to have said something harsh for her to completely shut him out.
"She took one of his calls though, she told Jacob that her dad knew where she was." Emmett reminded me. I thought back to the confrontation in this very room that had taken place not too long ago.
"Yea... but its Bella, maybe she just took it out of obligation." The words made sense to me. I shrugged, turning my gaze toward the elevators. I wanted to go to her, to ask her, to talk to her. I wasn't ready to earlier, because... although Charlie's words were absurd, he made a point.
"What if it doesn't even matter, Em?" I whispered, not entirely sure where this tangent of thought was taking me. Em gave me an incredulous look. "Doesn't matter?" He seethed in an unbelieving tone.
"Yea. What if her dad's right? What if being in a relationship with me is hurting her?"
"Edward-" Emmett's attempt at chastisement was ignored. I needed to get this out.
"I'm putting her under all this unnecessary stress. She's having to worry about things that no sixteen year old girl should have to worry about..." I fisted my left hand, attempting to do so with the right but crying out in pain when the brace scrapped against my knuckles.
"Shit." I hissed, breathing through the pain. Emmett gave me a worried look, but I shrugged it off with a wave of my hand, continuing my rant.
"I mean, Bella could do so much, ya know? Why should she have to worry about all my crap too? Andy should be nothing more than an after school job to her than an actual responsibility. I... I love her so much, I would hate myself forever if I was holding her back by keeping her with me for the selfish reason that I never want to let her go."
Emmett didn't say anything for a long moment, and when I looked up at him with questioning eyes I realized why.
Bella was standing in the doorway to the waiting room, a somber looking Rose just feet behind her tear-streaked form.
"Bell-" I began, but her sad voice cut me off before I could continue.
"You don't hold me back." She insisted, her gave a quiet hiccup, a side effect of all the crying. She took a few determined steps toward where I sat, and I stood out of respect for her. The gesture bringing me closer to her, I just wanted to hold her.
"But, Bella..."
"If anything, I hold you back." She continued, bringing a fragile hand up to her cheeks and rubbing at the salty tracks her tears had left.
"No, baby-"
"Edward. Please." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as if to psych herself up. "Just... I need to get this out." I nodded, willing her to continue.
"I want to apologize about that night with Charlie." She began, planting herself a foot in front of me, she had her chin titled toward the floor, her fingers knotting together as she wrung her hands nervously. I briefly glanced toward the doorway, finding that Rose and crossed the room and was now standing beside her boyfriend.
"I didn't expect him to be so... rude. I don't know what he said to you, but I know that whatever it was... it hurt you." She chocked on a small sob and my heart just about broke into a million pieces.
I lifted a hand up to her cheeks, but she brushed it away, holding it in her own instead. I understood that she needed the space, that she needed to vent to me just as I had to Emmett.
"I love you, Edward. And I want to be there for you, in your life, in whatever capacity I can. My dad... he thinks that I'm hindering your future by being so involved with you." Her words confirmed Emmett's thinking and I shared a quick glance with my brother, whose eyes seemed just as sad as Bella's.
"It hurts to tell you this stuff, because I don't want to think about it at all, but you deserve to know where I'm coming from." I nodded at my brave girl, squeezing her fingers.
"He thinks that you have enough to worry about with Andy, and that you shouldn't have to worry about me as well. That whatever decisions you make for your future should be made in regards to your family and your son... and that doesn't include me." My anger at her father's words seemed to burn.
"You are my family, Bella." She gave me a watery smile, pausing in her explanation for just a moment.
"And... I think that he may be right." Her words scared me, was she... was she ending things between us? For my benefit... I couldn't let that happen.
"Bella, please don't." I begged, taking another step forward, aware of the other bodies in the room, but only subconsciously. The rest of my being was solely focused on the beautiful girl, my beautiful girl, that seemed to be slowly slipping through my fingers.
"I'm not saying that I want to break up, Edward. God.. Because I don't think I could... I wouldn't know how to be without you." I internally sighed, ignoring her request for space as I leaned my forehead against hers.
She hiccupped again.
"I will take into consideration whatever factors I feel necessary to make the decisions for my future." She nodded, her sad frown not realizing the implications of my words. "Bella... next to Andy, you are my most important factor." I whispered into the shell of her ear, pressing my lips against the soft skin of her neck. I felt her shudder as she wrapped her arms around my waist.
"We'll leave you two alone." Rose's whisper startled me, but I didn't drop my hold on Bella, or move my face from it's resting place against her's. I simply watched as my brother and his girlfriend disappeared into Andy's room.
I turned my attention back to my Bella.
Carefully resting my braced hand along the length of her waist, pulling her to me. "I'm so sorry for everything, sweetheart. I'm so, so sorry." Bella's hold tightened, as I felt her nod against my chest.
I placed a gentle kiss to her cheek.
"I'm sorry about Jacob, sorry that I didn't tell you earlier." Bella sighed, dragging her fingers through the short tufts of hair at the back of my neck. "Rose explained." She supplied.
"It should have been me to tell you, I promise I won't keep anything from you again. I don't want to lose you." I insisted, kissing her other cheek.
Bella lifted her face, her lips finding mine as I pulled her more tightly against my chest. She sobbed quietly against my mouth, but the pressure of my lips against hers seemed to ebb her emotions. She relaxed after a moment or two more, my lips moving from hers to briefly greet the skin of her jaw line and then her throat.
"I love you." I whispered against her collarbone, pulling away to obtain some necessary oxygen.
"Me too." She leaned her head against the face of my chest.
I moved us slowly back to the plastic, waiting room chairs. Returning to my former seat and pulling Bella onto my lap. She curled against my torso, her soft brown hair tickling the underside of my chin where her head rested just beneath.
We were silent for a moment or two. I drug my fingers gingerly up and down her spine; she hummed in pleasure, a deep sigh passing through her lips.
"I'm sorry for ignoring you. I know I said it before, but you didn't deserve it." She nodded again, tilting her head up to kiss my jaw.
More silence. I decided to selfishly fill the quiet with more indulgent kisses. Continuing to press my lips to her mahogany waves, inhaling her fresh scent as if it were another lifeline. She was, after all, what kept me grounded.
"Is that all that your father said?" I questioned, wanting to know absolutely everything, needing to know everything so that we could work through it... together.
She didn't say anything, her only response was to tighten her fingers around my neck and tuck her face into the cotton of my T-shirt.
I knew there was more, and I worried about her closing off.
"Please, tell me." I pleaded, looking down on her small form.
"It's nothing." She insisted quietly, but the dull monotone of her voice gave her away. I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't be honest with me.
"Bella." I chastised, nudging her forehead with the point of my nose, encouraging her to lift her chocolate irises to mine. Wanting to see her, to maybe read what she wasn't telling me through her expression.
She lifted her sad eyes in response to my nuzzling, and what I saw there broke my heart. "He really hurt you, didn't he?" She said nothing.
I kissed her forehead.
"He... it's nothing I wasn't already aware of." She said, her words confusing me.
"What are you aware of?" I wondered one last time. She sighed.
"That I'm not Andy's mother. That... I never will be, no matter how much I want to be."
Her words shocked me. Had...had her father really said that to her?
I was astounded. I knew that she loved Andy, but I wasn't aware of how deeply. She wanted to be his mother... something he had never had.
"You would ... you want to be a mother... to my son?" I questioned, a giddy smile tugging at my cheeks. But she had her face tucked away from my site; she was unaware of how happy those words had made me. Maybe even happier than when she told me she loved me.
"I love Andy." She whispered into my shirt. I nodded, leaning down to kiss her cute little nose.
"I know, and I love you for caring for him so deeply." ... "Andy would be lucky to have a mother like you, Bella."
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A/N: Hello! Happy Sunday! I hope everyone liked this chapter; it just seemed to kinda flow out of me... I've been wanting to address Edward's POV for a few chapters, but I just needed to get all of Bella's out first!
And for those of you who are wondering about the Jacob thing, I am going to do an overview of Rose and Bella's convo in the next chapter!
AND HOLY SHIT PEOPLE! I'm currently at 495 freakin reviews! How great are you people? Seriously, I am so blessed to have so many loyal readers... I love you guys :)
~Lauren