Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Beta services provided by JulieToo and Sirena192005 (find her on Twilighted) of Project Team Beta.

I Live is posted on FanFiction, Archive of Our Own (AO3), The Writer's Coffee Shop (TWCS), and A Different Forest (feed a tree!).

A/N: Oh golly, I'm sorry I was so slow posting. We had to unexpectedly go out of town due to a death in the family, and I am attempting to catch up.

At least we've got about 9509 words here. It's like a double chapter.

Age 18 and over, please. Thank you.

Standing in a field of voices

Find shelter from the blame

Even if you think it's all over

I'll be here till the colors fade

I'll be here till your dying day

.

Put down the knife you're wielding

Let high stone walls fall away

With gentle time will be an ending

And I'll be here till the colors fade

And I'll be here till your dying day

"Sing Loud" by Alpha Rev from the album Bloom

Chapter 35, I Submit

Jasper's POV

I was thankful that Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett were far enough away that they wouldn't hear us unless we became quite a bit louder than we had been. Except for the snarls and the growls. I was truly looking forward to when Bella and I would have some real privacy.

Knowing my next words would hurt her, I was going to speak them anyway. We needed to hash it all out, but I absolutely had to keep Bella's emotions from taking me over and had to stop her verbal knife-strokes from penetrating so deeply. Too much was at stake.

We were so closely connected that even when I couldn't feel her emotions, she affected me so acutely that she caught me flat-footed over and over again. She knew which blade to wield and she knew how to twist it.

Then, too, she affected me so profoundly, just the faintest touch of her love prevented me from descending into the noxious corruption I had wallowed in for a century with Maria. That was why I needed her so desperately — wanted her so passionately. She could save me; save me from myself.

I took in a steadying breath and touched my forehead to the side of her head.

"Bella, I want you to know I don't care about Jacob Black."

A growl rumbled through Bella's chest at my words and she glared at me from the corner of her eye. I kept my left hand on her jaw but I eased the pressure of my fingers on her cheek.

"Bella," I said in a warning tone. "As I said, I don't care about him. I care about you. More than anyone I've ever known. Next, I care about me because there is no one who loves you like I do, even as fucked up as I am. Like I said before, I will do anything I have to when it comes to taking care of you even if it means pissing you off so badly you want to bite the shit out of me. But I'll keep on doing it." I breathed in her soothing scent, letting it fill me and drain away the fury I had felt.

In a quieter voice, I asked her, "When you were running, I felt your guilt. What were you feeling guilty about?"

"When I smelled the wolves …" she began and her voice hitched. She tried to turn her head away from me, but I held her firmly against my shoulder. She sniffed and started again. "When I smelled their scent, it was as bad as you said it was. I … I wanted to run away and I wanted to fight them — all at the same time. It was like a voice was screaming in my head to … I wanted to kill them before they could kill me."

She shut her eyes, and the distress I knew she must be feeling clouded her face with sadness.

"I don't want to hurt them. But I … wanted to."

I was hopeful that some of what I was trying to tell her was finally sinking in, but I tried to reassure her. "I know how that feels. I feel the same way when I smell them. But I can prepare myself for it. I learned to control those feelings — those instincts."

My shame at my earlier actions struck me again, and I slammed down the door on it so it wouldn't affect Bella. I was sure she was experiencing her own battle with shame for wanting to kill her friend's pack. I didn't want her to think I was ashamed of her for what she felt, especially when she couldn't control it.

"Our instincts are very strong. You didn't attack them. You need to remember that part."

"The only reason I didn't go after them is because you stopped me." Her eyes slowly opened and she tried to turn toward me, but I held her still.

"I stopped you because I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you." I kissed her cheek. "You know what they smell like now, and if you ever smell them again, you'll be ready." Kissing her again, I breathed in her scent. "I'll help you. You are mine, and I will not risk you. I waited a century and a half to find you."

Inwardly, a part of me cringed at my choice of words. I sounded disturbingly like Edward when he would tell Bella how long he had waited for her and that he would do anything to keep her safe and protect her.

Like a bolt of lightning out of a clear blue sky, a thought came crackling into the front of my mind, and I suddenly knew, without a doubt, why Edward was Carlisle's golden child. Why Carlisle, a vampire who was over three hundred years old, would let a mere teenage boy direct his life, and through him, everyone else's — his centuries of loneliness and then elation at finding Edward.

Carlisle's joy at finally finding a companion after centuries of wandering alone had led to his placing Edward on that quickly built pedestal.

There was no denying that Edward was intelligent, good looking, gifted musically, well educated in the medical sciences, as was Carlisle, and he was Carlisle's first. Edward was well-controlled and had given Carlisle hardly any actual trouble. He had almost always complied with Carlisle's requests when it had come to deciding what town they would move to or what personas might be chosen next. Edward had been a model son, except for those years he had "rebelled," as it was euphemistically put, when Edward had indulged in killing and drinking from humans.

Edward certainly had a useful gift that had smoothed the way and helped to protect the family on more than one occasion.

And Carlisle loved him. He had doted on him and when Esme had come along, she had taken to him and his genteel ways very quickly. He filled a small part of her heart that had been left broken and empty by the loss of her own son. She loved him and could refuse him nothing.

I had always thought they coddled Edward and should have used a firmer hand with him. I felt they had been blinded by their love for him. They hadn't done him any favors by doing that. They thought he could do no wrong, until they had heard how he had truly smothered and abused Bella and he had tried to squirrel away samples of her blood. They had been shocked to their very foundations.

And I was doing the same thing with Bella. I finally knew what the phrase "love is blind" truly meant. Bella was perfect in my eyes, and I have been so smitten, so enthralled, so enchanted by her, I was making mistake after mistake with her, and I wasn't doing her any favors by catering to her. My last attempt at indulging her could have gotten her killed.

I had been so euphoric at finding my mate my goddamn brain had been AWOL.

Having an epiphany about what a fucking asshole I had been was not pleasant.

Even as fast as my thoughts had streaked through my mind, I had been silent a little too long with them, and Bella tried to break loose again. Even though I couldn't feel them, her mood swings were dizzying.

"Stop!" I said as I tightened my hold on her. "I understand that you're a newborn and aren't even two full days old yet …"

"Then why don't you train me like a goddamn newborn?" she shouted as she tried to twist out of my arms.

Evidently, she was still trying to piss me off. Christ knew we were both good at that. She wasn't going to succeed.

I sighed sadly and closed my eyes as I pressed my cheek against hers. "Because I love you, because you love me. You have saved me from myself, and I could never treat you like that. No one will ever treat you like that."

She snorted angrily and growled again, trying to jerk her hand out of my hold. As my hand tightened on hers, I felt her anger again.

"I won't keep things from you to spare your feelings or keep you from worrying. Ignorance of our world can kill you. Not doing what I tell you to do can get you killed. Arguing with me wastes valuable time." I took another deep breath, pulling her scent into me, resolving to tell her the truth and respect her obvious strength enough not to try and paint over the horrors of our world, or my part in it, with pretty words, or try to distract her with shopping trips and gifts of expensive clothes.

I would strive to keep my head out of my ass and not indulge her no matter how adorable I thought she was. Being adorable wasn't going to save her ass.

"Bella, I did anything and everything I needed to in order to control those newborns. I ripped their arms off. I beat them. I bit and tore chunks out of them. I filled them with so much terror, all they could do was scream and then I would rip their legs off so they couldn't escape."

Pressing my lips into her hair, I took in another lungful of her scent. "I told them they belonged to Maria — they were her soldiers — and if they fought well they would be rewarded. I would starve them and tell them if they followed orders, they would be allowed to feed and could drink until they were so full they could hardly move. That's if they survived their training and being thrown into pits or corrals with each other. Not many made it out. Those that were quickly defeated were left in pieces to suffer that agony. They would be lit on fire in front of the other newborns so that they would learn. When their year was up, I ended them. Pain is scary and an excellent teacher. It was the hard way and the best way to deal with them. I want to try to keep you from having to learn the hard way." I eased my hold on her and nuzzled her neck. "I could never do that to you," I whispered to her.

Bella's eyes squeezed shut and she gasped. "Jasper, you don't have to tell me anymore." She sobbed and tried to turn her head toward me. "You were one of those newborns. You survived all of that." Her voice cracked as she spoke. Her anger was gone, replaced by her sorrow and compassion. "How did you live through all that?" she asked in a tear-filled voice.

"I survived, and not because I was lucky. Maria saw that I was an officer, and she knew there was something different about me. She wanted to use me." I loosened my hold on Bella the barest amount. "I had a gift I could use against the newborns, but at first it nearly crippled me. I had no idea what was going on. I thought I had gone crazy, until I realized what was happening. Then I learned how to control it and not let all of their emotions overwhelm me continuously. It was a constant struggle. But until then, I had to fight. I fought, and I won."

I released my hold on Bella's jaw and drew my fingers lightly down her throat and across her collar bone to her left shoulder. "I trained Maria's newborns to fight. Later, I trained the humans I had turned into vampires. No one else could control them like I could. With the military experience I already had, and the training I gave them, we won most of our battles. Maria gained a lot of territory. Then we had to fight to keep it." I released her left hand and slid mine across her stomach and then up her right arm until my hand was on her shoulder. "You've never been taught to fight. You wouldn't be able to fend off the wolves or another vampire that might attack you." I brushed her hair away from her right ear and kissed the skin beneath. At last, she tilted her head to the left, lifted her chin, and took in a slow breath.

She didn't realize it, but exposing her neck to me in that way was a sign of submission. She was finally submitting to me, and there was a part of me that was relieved, gratified, thrilled — and aroused. Yet another part realized it didn't feel as though I had subdued her — she had conquered me. It was almost as if she was allowing me to preside over her. She was bestowing a special dispensation so that I might be allowed to remain in her presence.

Setting that feeling aside and taking command of myself, I bent to her throat, nipping her where her life's blood had once pulsed, accepting her submission.

Because I could not resist her, I licked her smooth skin, leaving a scent trail of my venom from the hollow of her throat to the corner of her jaw. Pressing my lips to the soft skin beneath her ear, I whispered, "Bella, there is no one who can take care of you like I can. There is no one who can teach you what you need to know like I can."

She lifted her left hand and brought it up to cover my right hand on her shoulder.

"I will not leave you, Bella."

Her sorrow and disillusionment draped thickly over both of us and she sighed sadly as she dropped her head. "I … I've heard that before. Promises were made to me and broken, and I can't forget that," she said sadly.

I lifted her from her knees and turned her to face me. My hands went to cup her face, and I gently raised it so I could look into her still-black eyes. My thumbs brushed lightly over her cheeks. "I know promises were made to you and broken, but I've kept mine, Bella. When you were fully human, I said to you that you were worth it. You were then, and you are now. When I found you near death in your truck, I vowed that I would protect you, help you, and take care of you. I am doing everything I can to fulfill those promises, even if it makes you angry — even if it upsets you." I sighed again. "I'm not perfect — I'm goin' to screw up; I have been screwin' up. I'm goin' to get pissed off. This is as new to me as it is to you, but I promise I will do the best that I can. I promise that I will love you, and I will not leave you."

I sent all my love to her. All my respect, admiration, gratitude, and the adoration I had for her. Her eyes slowly closed and she took in a long, quiet breath. She leaned into my hands as her arms came up and went around my waist. My arms encircled her, drawing her into me.

"Jasper, you found me and took care of me. You could have finished me off and left me there. It would have been so much easier for you — for all of you. You could have even stayed in Forks. But you saved me." Her shining black eyes slowly opened to look up at me. "Then while I was burning, you stayed with me." Her voice was a soft breath of air across my chest. "I knew you were there. I didn't know it was you at first, but I could hear your voice. I couldn't understand everything you said, but I heard you. I could smell you." Her voice caught in her throat. "I … I felt you. You helped me so much then. As bad as it got, as terrible as it was, you stayed."

"I love you, Bella," I whispered. "I love you more than anyone or anything. You are everything to me." I gently brushed her hair from her face. "I need you to trust me. Trust that I don't want to make you into something you're not — I love you. You have to have faith that I'll do the best that I can for you. I've trained hundreds of newborns, but I can't do to you what I did to them. I love you." I leaned forward and gently kissed her.

Feeling her respond to my kiss, I broke. My shame and disgust at what I had nearly done to her crashed over me, and I flinched at the force of it. I tried to keep it from her, but it was so powerful it escaped me. I clutched Bella to me and buried my face in her neck. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Bella. Please forgive me," I cried into her tangled hair.

Gasping, her arms went around my shoulders and she held me tightly. "Jasper! What … what is it?"

I turned my face into her neck, practically sobbing. Of all the sins I've committed over my long life, the worst, the vilest was when I nearly raped her. I was choking on my confession, but I had to get it out. "I … I almost raped you. I love you more than anything in this world, and I almost raped you."

"But you didn't, Jasper! You didn't. I knew what you were feeling, but I knew you wouldn't hurt me. I knew you would stop. And you did. You didn't hurt me. Jasper! Look at me!" She pulled back and her hands gripped each side of my face as she stared fiercely into my eyes. "You. Didn't. Hurt. Me. I knew you wouldn't. I knew it. I know you love me, and you would never do that to me."

She had always been too forgiving, and I didn't deserve it. I tried to turn my face away from her so she wouldn't have to look at me.

Her grip tightened, she hissed my name then her love poured over me. It was swiftly followed by her pride and … adoration, and I was struck dumb by the amount and the force of her emotions, her feelings for me. I dropped to my knees, gasping for breath.

She crushed me against her stomach and whispered passionately, "I love you, Jasper. I love you. I'm so proud of you. You're so strong. You lived through so much and if you hadn't, I would never have met you. I love you." Her hands slid up my neck and were in my hair. "If you need my forgiveness, you have it. Always. I love you."

"Oh, Bella," I said, moaning in my disgrace, trying to turn my head away from her again.

Her hands forced my face up to look at her. "Know that I love you."

"But, Bella, I …"

One eyebrow went up, she looked down her nose at me, and her right hand brushed my hair out of my face and swept around my jaw. "Jasper? Do I need to bite the shit out of you again?"

Dumbfounded, I looked up at her, and the corners of her mouth began to turn upward. She bent down to me and kissed me. I realized my mouth was hanging open and snapped it shut.

Then it dawned on me that was the first time she had said she loved me. I had felt her love flowing over, through and around me, but she hadn't said it out loud before.

Her hands slid to the outside of my shoulders and she urged me up.

"Bella, I … I …"

"Shut up." As she kissed me, effectively shutting me up, she tugged at my shoulders. "Stand up," she said, making it an order.

I was still stunned at the strength of her emotions; shocked that she could ever forgive me for something like that. Astonished that even after what I had done she still loved me. I couldn't move.

"Jasper, I love you. Now stand up, or I might pinch you."

Not wanting to experience another one of her pinches, I stood slowly, tentatively reaching to wrap my arms around her.

She stepped into me, her arms going around my waist. She sighed happily as she snuggled into my chest, kissing me. "Do you feel how much I love you? How much I adore you? How thankful I am that you saved me, Jasper? Can you feel how grateful I am that you've put up with my temper tantrums, and crazy hissy fits, and all my shit, and you stayed?" Her eyes turned up to mine.

Speechless, I just searched her beautiful, dirt smudged face; not believing my good fortune, unable to fathom how I could have been so blessed after all the terrible things I had done throughout my life.

"I can feel your doubt, Jasper. I love you. I am so lucky to have found you when so many things could have kept us apart."

Her hands slid around my sides and up my chest, and then she placed her hands on either side of my face. Her shining black eyes had changed to a glistening red. "Don't doubt that I love you, and I need you. I need you to teach me and show me what to do. You said no one loves me like you do, and I believe you." She pulled my face toward hers and she kissed me again. "Besides, you're mine and don't you think I deserve the best there is?"

I gasped as her love swept over me again, and I clutched her to me, burying my face in her neck. "I love you, Bella, but I …"

She pulled back from me and covered my mouth with her hand. "Jasper, quit it before I get pissed off again." She sighed. "In the immortal words of the Backstreet Boys — I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care what you did, as long as you love me."

I just gaped at her. My beautiful, magnificent, entrancing, eminently forgiving mate was quoting the Backstreet Boys at me and all I could do was stare at her in stunned amazement.

"Uh, Bella …"

Huffing loudly and her brows descending in a frown, she said, "Dammit, Jasper! What do I have to do to … Oh! I have another one." She noisily cleared her throat as she closed her eyes. She bent her head down then her bright red eyes turned up to me, sparkling with a glint of mischief, and she said, "You are my fire, the one desire. Believe when I say I want it that way."

Then she hit me with a blast of love and happiness so strong it pulled a grunt from me, and I would have fallen down if she hadn't clamped her arms around my waist to hold me up.

"Jazz, I don't know what I have to do to make you believe that I love you, I know you won't hurt me, and if you think you did hurt me, I forgive you. But you didn't hurt me. You have kept me from hurting myself and, mostly, everybody else." She snorted in exasperation. "As you keep telling me, our instincts are very strong. I said a shitty thing to piss you off, it made you jealous, and your instincts took over. But you beat them back. You won. You are so strong, you won that fight. I need you to help me fight against and control my instincts."

She raised her hand and her fingers grazed lightly over my cheek to my chin. She gripped it firmly and shook my head. "I don't want to feel that self-condemnation or guilt from you anymore. I heard that all the time from someone who shall remain nameless at the moment. That stupid asshole decided for me that what was best for me would be for him to dump me. In the fucking woods. Where said stupid asshole told me never to go alone. Then Mr. I-Know-What's-Best-for-Everyone-Because-Well-I'm-Edward convinced the entire family to leave. All in the name of love and what's best for Bella. But nobody asked Bella what she thought." Tilting her head to the side and raising her eyebrows, she blinked several times. "Is someone going to decide they aren't good enough for me and leave me for my own good?"

All I could do was gasp at her words. She thought I could ever leave her?

Becoming angry, she let go of my jaw and started poking me in the chest. "Is someone else going to make all the decisions about my life down to what color socks I should wear? Well, if I was wearing socks." Her darkening eyes glared at me. "Is someone else going to start doing things to me and for me without even consulting me or mentioning it or telling me why they're doing it?"

Bella spun away from me, growled and stomped off through the dark to a fir tree and kicked it. "I mean, right now it's different because I'm having a hard time controlling myself, and it's not like I can go to Walmart and buy my own clothes and shit. I don't dare try to touch a laptop to shop online — I'd crush it."

She stomped back toward me, her arms gesticulating through air as she became more agitated. "At least when Rosalie bought me some more clothes she bought stuff I actually like, and it's not like I could've bought any at the time anyway because I happened to be incinerating myself from the inside out." She stared off into space for a moment. "Kinda like microwaving."

She twirled away from me and stomped back toward the tree she had kicked. "God forbid stuff gets ordered online because the Fed-Ex guy or whoever would deliver it, and I'd want to eat the poor bastard! I need somebody around to keep me from eating the Fed-Ex guy." She drew her arm back and punched the tree. "Nobody consulted me about moving either, but it's not like I can stay here in Forks because I'd probably eat somebody, and it might be somebody I like, so I do have to go somewhere else." She threw her hands up in the air. "I can't buy my own house. I don't have any money, except what's in my sock under my mattress in my old room, and that wouldn't be enough to even rent a room. I sure don't have a couple extra houses lying around, so, once again, it's not like I can decide where I'm going to go." She slapped the tree and turned back. "You happened to have a house, so we might as well go there, right?"

Stomping heavily through the pine needles, she made her way back to me. "In this case, I'd have to say making decisions for me is okay. The difference is you tell me what you're doing and why you're doing it. When I ask you a question, you actually answer it. When I think about it, it makes sense. It's logical, rational, and I can see why you made the decision. Unlike that other stupid immature asshole who kept changing the subject and lying to me."

She came to an abrupt stop right in front of me, her dirty, bare feet positioned a shoulder's width apart, and she began poking me in the chest again.

"To get back to the original topic … I'll tell you right now, goddammit, running away with your tail tucked is easy. Staying is hard. I don't want someone who says they love me enough to leave me. I want someone who loves me enough to stay with me." She crossed her arms, cocked an eyebrow and began tapping her foot. "Well?"

"Uh." I could only blink at her, still befuddled by the force of her emotions and then bewildered by the machine gun delivery of her rant. I had struggled to keep up with her tirade, and was trying to figure out what she was asking me. Fortunately, the light finally came on. "I could never leave you, Bella," I whispered.

"Good," she said, nodding her head. "Glad that's settled. I wouldn't want to have to chase you down and subject you to my mad, ninja-like pinching skills." Her face broke into a brilliant smile and she flung herself into my arms. "I love you, Jasper."

Another grunt escaped my mouth as she collided with me. I wrapped my arms around her, feeling her joy and my own automatic contentedness at her being in my arms. My relief and thankfulness filled me, and my love for her swelled. I felt her relief, joy, and love pouring over me. Then a dose of humor and a touch of giddiness tickled the edges of my awareness and I welcomed it, basked in it — reveled in the love of my mate.

Nuzzling her neck through her hair, I inhaled her warm, cozy, loving scent and whispered to her, "I think you've been hangin' out with Emmett too much, Darlin'."

"Pfffft!"She scoffed. "I've hardly hung out with him at all since I woke up. Except to chase him through the woods and bite him. That's hardly like hanging out."

I sighed into her hair. "I love you, Bella. I'm so sorry I …"

"Stop!" she commanded. "Or I'll hit you with another love bomb to the brain. We're good now. We know where we stand. Bella newborn. Jasper sire. I got it. I'll try to keep it." She huffed through my hair. "We should get back to Newborn 101. It's a lesson I can't afford to fail. Please review."

I kissed her neck and gently pushed her back so I could look into her lovely face. I was still struggling to keep up with her. "Bella, I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. I just can't do to you what I did to those other newborns. I can't."

"But I need to learn, Jasper. I need you to help me. I need you to help me control myself. I could have gotten us all killed. The teeth on the throat thing seemed to work," she said in chagrin.

"That almost always works. It's the least destructive method of getting a newborn's attention." I sighed. "Besides hitting them with a heavy dose of lethargy or some other emotion."

"Obviously, you can't be too easy on me. The thoughts in my brain just … explode, and I can't think." Bella backed away from me and her hands were clenching into fists again. "And I get so mad! I just want to tear things apart, and rip them to pieces with my hands and …"

I grabbed her flailing hands, bringing them together and up to my lips. "It's okay, Darlin'. Just feel how much I love you." I kissed her knuckles. "I won't go too easy on you. Sometimes you're going to get really pissed off." I pulled her into my chest, wishing I could wrap myself completely around her, and then kissed the top of her head. "But I won't be ripping your arms off. I care about you and love you too much. There have only been three newborns in this world that I cared anything about, and you're the most important."

"Who are the others? Peter and Charlotte?"

"Yes. Of the hundreds I changed, you, Peter, and Charlotte are the only ones I give a shit about. I don't even know if any of the others are still alive, and I don't care. I care about you." I couldn't resist running my hands over her hair and down her back, and kissed her again. "I don't love them like I love you. I, literally, tore their asses up."

Pressing my lips to her temple, I couldn't resist tasting her skin again with the tip of my tongue. "To review — if I think you're in danger you must listen to me and do what I say — whether it makes sense to you or not. Whether you want to or not. If you don't, I'll make you." I sighed with frustration. "I know this sounds like Edward's bullshit, but you have to trust that I will only do it for your own good, to protect you and to keep you from getting others hurt."

"You do sound a little like Edward." She lifted her face to me, the very edges of her lips turning up. "I do trust you. It's like I know I can." She blinked slowly. "I know you're older than me and have seen and experienced so much more than I have, but I can't … I seem to want to fight against almost everything. Or bite it and rip it apart. When I don't want to bite stuff, I just want to cry, or laugh, or scream. It's like I'm going crazy at times. I'm sorry I've been such a … such a bitch." Her voice hitched again. "Jasper, I'm so sorry no one was there to help you when you were a newborn." She dropped her head and her eyes turned up to look at me. "Like you are for me."

Then her love flowed gently over me, soft and warm. It shimmered and nearly glowed in the night air around us, and I gasped at the strength of it. It wasn't as forceful as the earlier blast, but it caused me to become weak at the knees. I lifted her in my arms and sat down on the damp ground, drawing her onto my lap, tucking her head into the left side of my neck. My arms cradled her as my lips went to hers.

"I love you," I whispered to her. "I love you so much, Bella."

Her left hand reached up to my cheek. Her fingers trailed over my jaw to my chin. I loved it when she touched me.

"I know you do. I feel it." She kissed me. "I'll try harder to listen to you, Jasper. I will." She kissed me again. "We're going to have to work on my shield so I can hold it no matter what's going on around me." She blinked. "And if I can block you from feeling my emotions and stop you from influencing mine, and keep people from touching me, how can I hear and smell through it?"

It was still difficult to keep up with her mood swings and her rapid change of topic. I was basking in the comfort of her love, surrendering to it. It hadn't occurred to me that professing my love would turn into a discussion of her shield.

"I don't know, Darlin'. Light comes through it, too." I cupped her cheek with my right hand. "Different types of vibrations? Different frequencies? I don't know."

"Jasper?"

"What do you need, Darlin'?" I smoothed her tangled hair away from her face and brushed smudges of dirt from her chin. I looked down at her henley and her jeans and realized I had gotten her pretty damn dirty when I had shoved her to the ground and then forced her to her knees. My clothes weren't much better. I guessed that meant she'd be wanting another bath.

Her index finger followed the line of my jaw to my ear and back again. "When I was talking to Carlisle out on the porch he said vampires have a really strong urge to bite. They bite to defend themselves, of course, and they bite to mark their mates. But he also said they'll bite to correct a coven-mate who is behaving badly. Is that why you bit me?"

Without any thought behind it, my left arm tightened around her to bring her closer to me, my hand drifting up to her neck, and my right hand glided over her shoulder and down her side to her waist. "No, Darlin'. That was purely a bite to claim and mark you as mine. " My right hand slid from her waist to her hip. "To taste you and put my venom in you. Remind you who you belong to."

She looked down, her lashes brushing over her cheeks, and then she looked up at me. "I bit you because I was mad at you." She looked down and away, embarrassed. "I was mad at you because Alice was in your room and she touched you." She inhaled quickly and let the breath out slowly. "I'm trying not to get mad about it again."

I could see the muscles tighten in her jaw, and her eyes closed.

"I told you Alice helped me carry my clothes from her closet. I held her hand to thank her." I gathered her hair with my right hand and pulled it out from under my left arm. I also admired my new bite on the right side of her neck. It was a little higher than the one on her left. I was quite pleased it would show above a shirt collar. "I love you, Bella. I want you to know I'm not going to do anything on purpose to make you jealous. We'll come in contact with other females — vampires and humans, but you are the only woman I want."

Her love washed over me, and I gasped at the feeling. "I love you, Bella."

She smiled at me, and I saw that her eyes had returned to their bright red. "I'll try not to be jealous. I can't seem to help that either, but I'll try. All the vampire women I've ever seen are beautiful. Not that I've seen that many. "

"Not as beautiful as you," I whispered against her temple.

Bella sighed lightly and wrapped her fingers around my right wrist and brought my arm to her chest, like she had when we were by the river. "Carlisle said we like to mark our territory, just like humans do. We put our venom on stuff. Do you think that's why I want to bite you? I mean, besides the last time when I was mad at you."

I smiled back at her and brought her hand up to kiss her fingers. "Yes. Except when you're pissed off at me. It's another one of those instincts. I want my scent on you so others know you're mine. You want your scent on me. I also happen to enjoy puttin' it on you." I licked her fingers. "My venom inside you changes your scent. Even though I put a lot of venom in you to change you, your body makes it your own. Adding venom later alters your scent. Like you biting me has altered mine."

"But I've bitten and scratched, well, practically everybody. Will that change their scent?"

"No. You didn't get enough venom in them." I had to smile at her. She had managed to leave marks on everyone except Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie.

Sensing Esme coming toward us, I turned to look in the direction she was coming from. In the dark, I wasn't able to see her yet through the trees, but then I heard the rustle of wet leaves and pine needles to my right. Bella tensed and straightened.

"It's okay, Darlin'. It's Esme." I kissed her temple.

As Esme appeared from between the trees, I could see that she was eyeing us quite intently. She stopped about thirty feet away. When she saw that both Bella and I were relaxed, she smiled tentatively at us. "Has everything calmed down?"

"Yes, Esme. We're both … better." I smiled at her. "Where are Emmett and Rose?"

"They're back there." She gestured into the trees behind her. "Rosalie became a bit upset and …"

"Why was she upset? Because we were?" Bella asked.

"I'm sure she was angry at the way I was treating you, Bella." I placed my right hand on her cheek and whispered to her. "I was so pissed off at you and jealous I nearly lost control of myself. I could have hurt you, I could have …"

"Stop, Jasper." Bella reached up and brushed her fingertips over my mouth. "We already talked about that."

I turned my head away from her in shame. "Bella … I … I'm so sorry. I could have raped you. I almost did." It all came crashing down on me. Guilt filled me again. I had very nearly raped my mate; the woman I love more than my own life.

"Shhh, Jasper," she whispered. "You didn't. You stopped yourself. You stopped. And I was being a bitch and trying to piss you off. Now stop feeling that way. Look at me."

She tugged at my chin as her love enveloped me, but I couldn't bring myself to look at her. Her grip tightened and she pulled harder so that I would have to face her.

"Look, Jasper, I was being a jerk and trying to make you mad, but you didn't hurt me. You stopped. That is what's important. You stopped and you didn't hurt me. I knew you wouldn't hurt me. I wasn't afraid." She reached up and kissed me. "Well, I was afraid when you first grabbed me around the throat because you startled me, but that only lasted a couple of seconds. I wasn't afraid of you anymore because I knew you wouldn't hurt me." Her eyes dropped to the side and her embarrassment fluttered around me for a moment. "And I was trying to piss you off."

Her bright red eyes returned to mine and then her admiration joined her love as she kissed me again. "I am proud of you, Jasper. You've been through so much, and you can still find it in yourself to be gentle and compassionate enough to take care of me, think of me, when I'm being a raging, immature bitch. I love you, Jasper." Shifting in my lap, she brought both of her hands up to brush my hair back from my face. "Now cut it out or I'll hit you with another love bomb."

Even without her love bomb, I was overcome with my love for her and pure joy radiated from my very center. My arms went around her, and I squeezed her to my chest as I buried my face in her neck. "I love you, Bella. I love you so much."

I was supposed to be taking care of her, and she was comforting and consoling me. Forgiving me; loving me. If I could have, I would have cried in her arms, even with Esme standing only thirty feet away from us.

"Jasper. Jasper. We're fine. You're fine. Everything's good." Bella ran her fingers through my hair, and her hand slid slowly down my back.

She continued to rub her hand up and down my back as I pressed my face into her neck, breathing in her scent for several minutes. With her love swirling around me, I finally gained control of myself and kissed her neck in gratitude and in relief. Relief that she hadn't turned me away.

Then I realized she could no more leave me than I could leave her. We were mates. We were tied together, and not because my venom had transformed her. I'd changed hundreds and hadn't felt any connection to them. In fact, I had killed most of them. If anything ever happened to Bella, I didn't think I could survive it.

Bella ran her hand through my hair and to my neck, where she gave me a small squeeze. "Jasper," she whispered so quietly I was sure Esme couldn't hear her. "Are you okay now?"

"Yes. I'll be okay as long as I'm with you, Bella."

When had I become such a fucking whining asshole? I needed to get a grip. My emotions were shifting nearly as quickly as hers and if I were human, I'd be exhausted at the roller coaster ride they had been on.

Another one of those fucking epiphanies arced through my mind. Not only had she submitted to me, I had submitted to her, and it hadn't even required her teeth on my throat. There was that point where I had dropped to my knees in front of her to plead for forgiveness, and Bella had bestowed her grace upon me. Because she loved me.

I, one of the most feared vampires in the world, had been on his knees to surrender to his newborn mate. Strangely, I found that I did not mind it in the least.

Bella pulled back away from me and smiled. "You're with me." She lightly kissed me and then drew in a breath. "So now tell me what you want me to do. There was something about hunting, and packing, and a truck?" She turned to Esme, "Esme, come over here and sit by us."

Esme seemed a little uncomfortable at our display, though I was sure she couldn't have heard us, but she projected her relief and pleasure as she came forward and sat down on the damp ground in front of me and Bella.

Bella reached out for Esme's hand. "I'm sorry I went out of control back at the house, Esme. I was being a jerk, and it could have been a disaster if Jasper hadn't stopped me."

Esme smiled encouragingly at Bella and squeezed her hand. "It could have been, but he did stop you, and it all worked out. I'm proud of you for having as much control as you do for a newborn. With everything that's been going on, you have done very well." Then she raised an eyebrow at Bella. "But you do need to listen to Jasper and do what he says, Bella. He loves you and he is your mate. He is not Edward, and you know that."

Bella dropped her head and drew her arm from behind my back. "I do. I really do. I've been a … well, I've been an idiot. I've tried to control myself, but it all kind of blows up inside, and I have to do something. Like run or …"

"Or bite?" I asked and smiled at her. "And you're not an idiot, you just don't know."

She sighed. "Yes. Bite. Or have temper tantrums. I'll try not to bite anybody anymore." She rolled her eyes. "I don't know about Emmett though." Then her eyes scrunched shut. "God! I've been acting just like a two-year-old!"

"I'd say you've been worse than any two-year-old, but the analogy isn't far off." I hugged her to me. "That's why newborns are called newborns. They need to be … directed and taught."

Bella looked up at me and squeezed my arm. "I'll try, Jasper. I really will. It would help if I could turn my brain off for a little while. I think I miss sleeping."

Esme smiled and patted Bella's arm. "I know it's something I've missed. But there are times when I just sit back, relax and try to clear my mind. It can be restorative."

I placed a kiss on Bella's temple. "Then maybe baby needs a nap."

Sighing again, Bella leaned into me. "I wish I could take a nap. It might help."

I ran my fingers through her hair and rested my chin on the top of her head. "I can help with that. It won't be sleeping, but it can be restful."

Esme leaned forward and ran her hand down Bella's shoulder and arm as she looked to me. "I do have that bag with the scent of the other vampire. Don't you want to check it?"

I did want to, I was extremely curious, but it had waited this long, it could wait a while longer. If Bella recognized the scent, there wasn't anything I could do about it, and it might upset her. I had no idea how she might react to it. So it could wait and with my gift, I could give us all a bit of respite. It seemed we all needed it.

"It can wait a while longer, Esme." I turned to call Rosalie and Emmett to us. "Rose, Em, come on over here."

"But don't we have things to do?" Bella asked me. She shifted in my lap, crossing her legs to sit Indian-style and leaning into my chest.

"Yes, but they can wait a little while, too."

Emmett and Rosalie came quietly into view from out of the darkness between the large tree trunks. As dark as it still was, I could see that Rosalie was still not happy, but the anger they had both felt was draining away.

"Here's my plan for the time being," I began as Rosalie and Emmett came closer. "The plan is to sit here quietly for a few hours. It'll be dawn soon, but there's no rush to pack, look at the truck, or hunt." I smiled down at Bella then I gestured with my left hand for Rosalie to come closer to me. "Rose, please sit here next to me?"

Rosalie cocked her head and raised an eyebrow at me as she walked over and lowered herself gracefully to the ground next to my left side. Silently, she mouthed to me, "You are a mother fucking bastard." Then she touched my forehead with the tips of her fingers.

She did not send me a love bomb. It was a wrathful, anger-filled, incensed, and righteously indignant, totally hacked off Rosalie bomb drilled directly into my brain, and I thought my head would explode.

I choked, unable to draw in a breath, and my head dropped back as I tried to keep it from overflowing to Bella.

Then Rosalie's fingers were gone from my skin and it stopped. My eyes snapped open and flicked to hers. I was utterly astonished. No one had ever done that before. Except for Bella, but hers was love. Rosalie had actually inflicted pain.

Bella glanced up. "What is it?"

"Just Rose letting me know she's annoyed with me. Are you okay, Darlin'?" I ran my fingers over her head to her neck.

"Sure. I'm fine," she said absently.

Rosalie's eyes narrowed as I watched her. I was relieved I hadn't projected any of that to Bella, and I agreed with Rosalie's assessment. I closed my eyes briefly, remembering how close I had come to abusing, and possibly destroying, my mate. Then Rosalie's fingers brushed lightly over my hair. Through her touch I knew she was still appalled and angry at my behavior but she still felt sisterly affection for me.

Bella's curiosity fluttered around me. "What are we doing?"

Smiling gratefully at Rosalie, I turned and reached toward Esme, urging her to come closer to me. "Darlin', we're going to have a time out. Not only can I knock everyone out or terrorize them, I can help everyone feel peaceful. I think we need it." I turned to look over my shoulder at Emmett. "Em? If you want, you can sit behind me. If everyone is touching me, I can make us all feel calm, and we'll still be aware of what's going on around us."

As Rosalie scooted closer to me and placed her hand on my knee, Esme moved to sit on my right. She leaned against my shoulder and rested her hand on my forearm.

Emmett sighed and walked slowly to stand in front of us. "I think I'll skip the group hug for now, Jazz. I'll go run a perimeter and be back in a while." He turned and moved silently in a westerly direction, mumbling to himself, puzzled. At my behavior, I supposed. He was still a little pissed off and probably needed to run it off.

I wanted to do the best that I could for Bella and when she had said she missed sleeping, I understood exactly what she was saying. More than a few times over my life I had wished I could sleep. Sending her what serenity I could was as close as we could get.

Inhaling deeply, I gathered the peace and tranquility I felt whenever Bella's skin touched mine. For the time being, I chose to ignore the excitement I also felt. Sitting on the damp ground wasn't the best location, but it seemed the perfect time to do it. The fragrance of the firs, the quiet movement of the air through the branches, the moist night air — it all leant itself to a serene atmosphere, and I hoped they didn't mind.

The scent of the other vampire would still be there in the Ziploc bag. Evidently, that vampire had not come near our territory or one of us would have noticed it. Had he purposely steered clear of us?

Had he been searching for Bella? That seemed likely. But it could wait a little while longer. Right now my mate needed to rest, and I couldn't leave her to go in search of the strange vampire.

The truck Emmett bought would sit patiently in the garage, and Bella's and my clothes wouldn't be going anywhere. There would still be animals around for Bella to hunt, and if we were quiet for a while, they would come even closer.

"Think restful thoughts, ladies. It's nap time," I said in a soft voice. I closed my eyes and let the peace I felt flow out to them with a small amount of lassitude. I was thankful that Bella decided not to argue with me, and grateful that Rosalie did not choose to yell at me or beat my ass for being a dick. The direct shot to my brain had been enough.

"Thank you, Jasper," Esme whispered. Her love and pride touched me as gently as her hand on my arm.

All three of them sighed softly as they nestled against me. When their emotions registered their relaxation, I sent my senses out to guard against anyone coming near us. I detected no one but Emmett. He was about a mile away and moving toward the north. We would be safe.

-oOoOo-

It was a cloudy day, as usual, but the forest was brightening as the sun rose higher. I could sense Emmett coming closer. I finally heard his quiet footsteps as he neared us.

Bella twitched in my arms, and I stroked her hair and spoke quietly to her. "It's okay, Darlin', it's Emmett coming toward us. He's almost here. Everything is fine."

"Jasper?" she asked softly, her voice barely a breath of air.

"Yes, Bella?"

"This is so nice. It's almost like being asleep. Or maybe like when you just wake up, but you're not all the way awake yet. It's like being snuggled down in the warm blankets on a cold morning and you don't have to be anywhere in particular. You can lay there and enjoy the quiet. Thank you, Jasper."

She hadn't even opened her eyes. I moved slowly to kiss her forehead. "You're welcome, Darlin'." I couldn't remember what she was describing, but I did know it felt so good just to have Bella sitting peacefully in my arms, her head against my chest. It was nearly perfect. Esme's and Rosalie's tranquil emotions were a comfort, and I had to admit that I was also enjoying them sitting with us.

Emmett walked quietly toward us, shaking his head. "I wish I could get a picture of that. You sitting there with women draped all over you."

I watched him walk closer. "You could join us."

"And drape myself over your ass? Hell no. Might disturb the women." He chuckled. "They look just like little angels." He cocked his head and grinned. "When they're asleep — just like the humans say about their kids."

"Yes, they do." I smiled down at Bella and glanced over at Rosalie and then to Esme. "You'd better stop talkin' or Rose'll beat your ass."

Bella stirred again, and I made sure to keep sending her the sense of peace I felt at her touch.

"Jasper?" she asked.

"Yes, Darlin'?"

"When are we going to hunt?"

"Are you thirsty now?"

"Not really. Just a little bit."

I nuzzled her hair. "Then we can wait a little while longer."

She snuggled into my chest and sighed. "Okay, Jazz."

Then her love and contentedness drifted over me again with the softness of a light spring breeze, filling me with a happiness I could not recall ever feeling before. It was a blessing. I wondered if I had ever been that happy when I was human. If I had been, I just couldn't remember it. I'd felt a strong sense of happiness from others, but had not quite experienced it to that degree myself. If nothing else, Bella brought me that blessing, and I would be forever grateful for that and for her.

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"Pain is scary." ~ Jayne Cobb to Captain Malcolm Reynolds from the TV show Firefly, "Serenity," pilot episode.

"I don't care who you are, where you're from; don't care what you did, as long as you love me." ~ Backstreet Boys from the album Backstreet's Back.

"You are my fire, the one desire. Believe when I say I want it that way." ~ Backstreet Boys from the album Millennium.

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