Nothing of the last twenty four hours felt even remotely real. Not the way my mother yelled at me, or Kayne re-catching his Garchomp, or me having that nightmare, or the evening out with Tate. Especially not that…
Now that the morning had come I had to face the fact that I had pretty much cheated on N last night. It hurt so much I thought I would stop breathing. Never before had guilt done so much to me, and I kept reverting back to the dream to try and make this ok. Something was wrong with N… there was something that Mienshao had been trying to warm me about and it had to do with him, and I was using this as an excuse.
What would N do when Tate and I showed up, having run off together? I felt sick…
He didn't deserve this! I had to fight back tears as Tate got the black bag from the bathroom. This was wrong… I promised I would protect him… not leave him.
Crypt wafted over to my side, having felt the change of atmosphere. He gave me a aerie nudge in the shoulder to try and cheer me up, but it didn't work. I sighed and raised my hand to the Mismagius and let it run through his body. He made that strange purring noise he always did when he was happy.
"So what is the plan?" Tate's low, disappointed voice caught me off guard. Neither of us was in the best mood this morning. I knew he was upset because he liked spending time with me much more than he should, and he knew I was upset because I was horribly guilty. I appreciated that he didn't bring it up though.
"I don't know how to tell them…"
"Tell them what?" Tate sat on the edge of the bed next to me. "Where you were?"
I nodded. "And I'm going to hurt N so much. I know you don't care but—
"Who said I don't care?" he stopped me. "Obviously this is bothering you, and I care about that."
"But you don't care about how I feel for N."
"You think you love him." He assumed.
"No, Tate. I DO love him." My shoulders sagged and I pinched the bridge of my nose, willing my headache to go away. "Yesterday shouldn't have happened."
I could feel his pain in the air between us, and I surely wasn't expecting him try and comfort me. He leaned over and wrapped his arm around my waist, setting his chin on my shoulder. I could feel how cold his chest was against my shoulder and I shivered as he brought me into a tight hug.
"Would it make a difference if I told you that I love you?" he said half-heartedly. "Would it make a difference if I said the only reason I will help you defeat team plasma is because I love you?"
I nodded. "That's making this so much harder."
He pushed his face into my neck and took a long breath. "Do you want me to leave? You know I am under your order… I'm your servant; I have to do as you say."
"That has never stopped you before." I tipped my head back, revealing my throat to his lips.
"Are you changing the subject?" he murmured.
"We can't do this." I shook my head, forcing N into my vision. "I can't let you love me."
"So you do want me to leave?" he wound both arms around me. Chills rolled up my shoulders and made my skin tingle. The pain in his voice was real, and I realized that no matter how many times he had disobeyed me before, he really would do anything for me. He loved me…
Picture N… Picture N, I ordered to myself. His perfect green eyes… his lanky figure… his love for pokemon… his terrible past. I said I would protect him… I promised. And all I could picture was the hate in his eyes from that dream.
Where was Mienshao now? When I needed her to guide me most?
"Touko." He lifted his face from my neck but looked down at the ground. I caught a glimpse of how solemn his eyes were. "Do you want me to leave?" he demanded.
"No." I shook my head. "I—don't."
"Why?"
"Because I think I love you…"

~N~

How was I supposed to tell Touko?
I sat in the same living room that her mother had sent her storming up to her room in, waiting for her to come back like everyone said she would. I had been out on my own looking for quite some time, but it turned out being more than I could handle. The region… it was fine.
Everyone; Cheren, Bianca, their parents, even Touko herself made everything seem like it was in ruins, but going about and seeing the lives of people without pokemon for myself… it wasn't nearly as hazardous as I expected. Everyone made it seem like people were dying because of what Plasma had done. I really saw no harm…
How was I going to tell Touko that I was having second thoughts? Life would be good right now if she was here with me and we weren't planning an attack. I had been out for hours searching the different cities and routes for any sign of her and the only pokemon I had seen in pain was that one in the arms of a "homeless" boy. The Patrat had died, right in front of me because it was with that boy…
This was the only pokemon that I had seen with a human partner, and it was the only one in pain. All the wild pokemon I had come across were perfectly happy and well. So what was I to assume?
Now that I thought back to all those things shoved into my brain growing up… nothing seemed all that off from the real world. I didn't want to go back of course, I would never go back to Plasma, but was liberation really that horrible?
I was second guessing everything that I had been raised to believe, and now I was second guessing everything Touko ever got be to believe. I didn't know who was right and wrong and I didn't know what to think. All I know what that a pokemon had lost its like today because of a human. It was moments like this that made me sure I wasn't one of them.
Touko would hate me for wanting to go back on our mission…
I was faced with a terrible decision. Do I go back to everything I used to believe in and give up Touko? Or do I keep Touko for myself and watch the world fall to pieces around me?
"N." Touko's mother called to me from the other room. I nearly jumped out of my skin. The hairs on my arms rose, reminding me how afraid of her I was.
"Ye—yes ma'am?" I didn't turn to look, but spoke as clearly as I could manage.
There was the sound of the front door opening and I could see her standing with a suite case in the reflection of the television. I stared in shock as she spoke.
"You tell Touko to call me when she has done what she needs to do." Her mother whispered and sniffed. I watched in the reflection of the black screen as she wiped her arm across her face and forced away the tears. "Tell her I'm sorry..."
You and me both, I thought with a heavy blow to the chest.
"Tell her I love her but I have to leave while she does this… I wont be apart of something that I don't believe it… but I wont stop her either."
Tears were pooling in my eyes, a new found respect for the woman that raised Touko. I had never realized until now that the two of them were very similar. They both had headstrong and determined personalities, and they both loved with all their hearts. I swallowed.
"I—I will te—tell her." a hot tear slid down my cheek as she shut the front door and left.
Was it possible for two people who loved each other so much to have different beliefs? Was it possible to pursue different ideals together at the same time? Her mothers words echoed in my mind.
I love her but I have to leave while she does this.
Can you love and leave someone at the same time?
I won't stop her.
I swallowed again, suddenly realizing that loving someone must mean more than just being with them. Loving someone wasn't all just kisses and nights of passion and hopes and dreams. Loving someone was much more complicated than that. And here I thought it was all so simple.
I knew what I had to do now.