Chapter 36
"Qué. La mierda." A robot donning brown MJOLNIR MK. VII standard issue powered assault armor declared.
Lopez.
Lopez, or as he liked to call himself, Lopez the Heavy, was a robot built by Sarge. His speech card was damaged, so as a result, it spoke Spanish. Nobody, except Donut, could understand him, yet he understood everybody else.
"Pensé que íbamos a ser deportados a los estados en guerra." he said.
"Yeah, well, you aren't going to be portended anymore." responded the Spartan-III (let's call him Hazop). "Are you all aware of what is going on? Private Kaikaina Grif, are you awake? PRIVATE KAIKAINA GRIF!" A knife grazed the side of his head, and out of the other cryostasis tube stepped a yellow armored Spartan-II. "Good, you're awake."
"How many d-mn times do I have to tell you that this armor is too f—king tight?!" She fidgeted around in her yellow armor. Kaikaina Grif was Dexter Grif's younger sister, who was mistakened to be a sweet, charming girl from Macon, Alabama. Instead, she was from Hawaii, and according to the others, was a 'loud slut'. Everybody referred to her as 'Sister', because Kaikaina was hard to say.
"We're going to full you up a little bit on what's going on so far." promised Hazop. "But for now, we're going to have to arm you guys up, with... new armor that isn't as tight!" Kaikaina cheered, and Lopez muttered something in Spanish. "Ok, guys, follow me." ordered Hazop. "The new armor we're going to entrust you with is the MJOLNIR MK. VIII powered assault armor. Its developer watched Iron Man 2, Iron Man 3, Pacific Rim, Elysium, Gundam, and played Titanfall, Bangai-O: Spirits,and finally, Chess. Compiling his research, he and his team designed, tested, and bedazzled the new suits of armor. I have to say, they are worth much more than $20,000,000 a suit."
Around the corner and through the door was the armory, and in the middle were 14 MK. VIIIs. They combined the looks of a Japanese mech, an Elysium exoskeleton, and, of course, the looks of the MJOLNIR MK. V powered assault armor. It also has the functionality of an Iron Man suit, a Titanfall robot, and the capability to hold a bunch of firepower like the mech in Bangai-O: Spirits. 2 of the armor sets, the yellow and brown ones, were shone on by a spotlight. Robotic arms fell from the high ceiling and removed Sister's and Lopez's armor, leaving them in their bodysuits. For some unknown reason, Lopez's processors and sensors were located behind a metallic skull, making him look like the freaking Terminator.
Sister took 3 slow steps away from him.
"Alright, Kaikaina, hold your hand in the air." commanded Hazop. She held her hand up, and the yellow armor fell to pieces. "Wait for it..." the armor pieces suddenly folded together into a suitcase that flew right into Sister's hand held up in the air. "Now, step on any flat side of this 'suitcase'." Sister did as she was told, and instantly the armor folded up her legs, across her chest and down her arms, then finally the chest plate unfolded to reveal the helmet, collapsed, that smashed on her face and formed the helmet. With a hiss, the chestplate folded back and locked itself, followed by the other parts following a same action.
"Ni-hi-hice!" Sister started to stretch in it. "Aahhh... my puppies finally fit in here."
"Puppies?" Hazop looked at Lopez in confusion, who pointed at her chest and shrugged. "Oh. That's what she was complaining about. Anyways, Lopez. Just hold up your hand and-"
"¡Está hecho!" Admiring his new armor, Lopez decided to test out its strength. Stomping the titanium-a floor, he smashed his foot straight through it and into the next floor.
Hazop took out a long list of features it had. "Ok... whoa. It has a built in jetpack, built in rocket boosters, mini shoulder missile launchers that fire missiles the size of a .22 LR bullet, uh... enhanced reflexes and speed, thermal imaging, bio hazard protection, pressure displacement, loose joints, armor plating that isn't easy to grab and hold on, biofoam, 2 levels of energy shielding, WHOA! A weapon and ammunition folding system... temperature regulation, miniature fusion reactor, miniature solar panels, a machine that generates electricity from your movement with 99.99% efficiency-"
"Why is it always 99.99%?" whined Kaikaina. "Why isn't it 100%?"
"I don't know..." Hazop continued reading the list, highlighting features that were actually worth mentioning. "A 'see through clothes' feature for finding tattoos, which I think is completely unnecessary, shock absorbers, built-in parachute, deep water functionality, super strength, a built-in, retracting wrist knife, and finally, a fail-proof transmission system. There are, like, 5,000 more features, and I'm not listing them allHEY!" Hazop yelled at Sister, who was flying around the armory with her rocket boosters and jetpack that also had folding, fixed wings. "Do NOT use them here. HEAR ME?!" She returned to the ground, nodding. "Good. You have 20 minutes to say your good-byes and arm up.
19 minutes later...
Sister decided to be a "foot soldier", so took an M395 DMR, an M6C magnum, and 2 frag grenades, as well as an A.S.D. for her DMR and magnum. Since Lopez referred to himself as "Lopez the Heavy", he decided to bring an M739 S.A.W., a pistol shotgun (20 gauge, slugs), and 10 frag grenades on the sides of his chest. "If you're trying to look like 1980s American commando, you don't." added Sister. "You look like a 1980s Mexican commando."
"Callarse." shot back Lopez. "Miro impresionante."
"SPARTANS KAIKAINA AND LOPEZ, REPORT TO THE DROP PODS." the intercom blared.
"Race you!" Kaikaina dashed off, much faster than Lopez. The room where ODSTs and Spartans entered their drop pods and were deployed was next door to the armory, good news for Lopez, who decided to bring an M777 S.A.W., the shotgun conversion of the M739 and 30 pounds heavier, despite the fact he was a cargo robot. "Too slow!"
"CALLARSE." reiterated Lopez.
"Hello, SPARTANS!" Kaikaina and Lopez immediately stood up straight, arms at their side. In walked McLeod, with his armor on. "As ye all know, ye are aboot to be dropped in a... hostile area that is very hostile. I know, it sounded redundant, but bear with me. I dinnae want you to return empty handed. I want you to return alive and with all of the Spartan-IIs in one piece. SURVIVAL ISNAE GURANTEED. At the moment, and for the past few days, this universe has been under seige by various others, thanks to these purple vortexes called spacequakes! They are two-way doorways to other universes, and by sending you through them, we hope that you will find the others! Keep in mind, there are no multiple 'yous', or 'Abe Lincolns'. Everybody is unique, and the timelines of their universes may be drastically different. Keep that in mind. Ok, Spartans, good luck! May the Ginger Empire aid you." The 'Ginger Empire' was actually a gigantic alliance formed by Scotland that controlled all of Europe and part of Africa, and it was around for 300 years.
"Gee, que era muy útil." commened Lopez. He walked into his drop pod that closed its doors.
"Well, I hope I can find some morphine." Sister said, walking into her drop pod. "And Lopez. If you try to kill me again... I will rape you."
"Seguro..." facepalmed Lopez. Suddenly, the two remaining members of team Blood Gulch were hurtling through space at 50 kilometers per second. "MIERDA. MIERDA MIERDA MIERDA."
"Wheeeeeeeeee!" Sister's annoying voice rang through Lopez'z transmission system, and it was surprisingly crystal clear. "I love dropping through space!" Suddenly, everything was flashing bright purple and red. A decomposed body smashed into Sister's drop pod, disintegrating into a crimson mist. The light was blocked out by an ocean of bodies, the two drop pods the ice breakers.
The drop pods themselves disintegrated. Sister and Lopez found themselves over a city in ruins. Everything was bathed in a lurid glow, thanks to the sunlight. Their armor systems, using the GPS system, read their location.
Tokyo, Japan.
"MIERDA." uttered Lopez. He always spoke in a monotone voice. "ACTIVE LAS BOTAS JETPACK Y COHETES."
"Quick, Lopez! Use your jetpack and rocket boots to slow down and break the fall!" Sister activated said objects, immediately slowing down 4 meters above the ground. Lopez activated them at the very last second, kicking up bathtubs of dust and leaves. "Well, I think the helmets are broken. Everything looks like it's in Black Lagoon." Removing her helmet, Sister looked everywhere. "Wow, I feel like I'm in an anime!"
"Silencio." Lopez raised his shotgun-machine gun and turned around 360 degrees.
"Nothing's here." Sister flipped the safety off of her DMR. "Wow, even Dexter isn't this boring." She slowly walked north, weapon raised, as a shadow slipped into the alley behind her. Turning around, she only saw a tumbleweed. "C'mon, Lopez! Time's-a-wating!" Sister started jogging down the street, marveling at the buildings that were partially blown up. Blood was splattered all over the walls and floors, cars were thrown everywhere like Hotwheels, and there would be the occasional limb or two. Sister swore she saw something moving in the alleyways, yet she wasn't quite sure what it was.
"Ok, esto es espeluznante como el infierno." commented Lopez. "Tengo la sensación de no descargarse. ¿Dónde está todo el mundo? ¿Por qué todo parece que está fuera de un anime?"
"I know, Lopez!" smiled Sister. "It feels so cool being in Black Lagoon!"
"Dios mío." facepalmed Lopez. A moan cut through the air and worked its way into Sister's ears, then Lopez's sensors. "¿Qué diablos fue eso?"
Sister started shaking. "I-I don't know... the wind?" she said in a tremulous voice.
"Americanos típicos." sighed Lopez. A gunshot from an SR25 rang through the air to the left of Lopez and Sister. Wall fragments flew out of a hole next to Sister.
"We're being fired at!" Sister flipped her DMR to full-auto and waved it in the air, firing it. "YAA TASTE THAT B-TCHES!" A bullet clanged off of Lopez's helmet. That was another feature of the MK. VIII; 60% less damage from firearms, and 30% less damage from plasma-based and energy-based weapons.
"MIERDA." Lopez pinpointed the direction of the gunfire and the angle it hit his helmet. The SR25 sniper was on the tallest hotel. All of his 60 12-gauge slugs were fired at its top floors, shattering windows and ripping through the walls. His S.A.W. had insane range, because the 12-gauge shells he used were more powerful than the normal ones. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a Necromorph-zombie lunged out of the shadows and tried to maul Sister. Her armor, however, was so strong that its blows from its bladed arms didn't knock the dust off of her armor. She effortlessly punched a hole in its face, but it kept attacking. Stomping on its chest and holding it to the floor, she shot off its arms that were trying to rip her open.
"B-TCH!" Sister shouted, stomping on the dead monster. "Tryna sneek up on me. Like a ninja! That's some f—ked up sh-t. C'mon, Lopez, let's put these jetpacks and rocket boots to use." Lopez flew to the top of a 10-story department store, where he was fired at again. This time, the bullet only removed 5% of his first layer of energy shielding. It was going to take 80 shots from the SR25 (40 to the shields, 40 to the actual armor) to end Lopez.
Zombies, thousands of them, were trying to ramp up to the department store. Sister removed her helmet, rested on the floor, and stuck her head out the ledge, aiming her helmet's visor at herself. "Let me take a selfie!" Making a peace sign with the zombies trying to maul her, she took a picture and put her helmet back on. "Ok, Espano, where do we go next?"
"Sugiero que vayamos a los edificios cada vez más altos, esperando que fuera mochilas propulsoras y propulsores de cohetes para recargar entre edificios." suggested Lopez.
"Nah, going on the streets would be suicide." said Sister. "How about we go to higher buildings?"
"TEAM MOLDY BANANA, REPORT." came a voice over their transmission systems. "I bet you $50 dollars that it works over."
"UNSC Nagato, this is Sergeant Kaikaina Grif." radioed back Sister. "I hear you loud and clear. This is not an imposter, the armor is doing fine over."
"BOOSH! You owe me fifty bucks, dude!" the voice returned. "Team Moldy Banana, report your status over."
"A-OK, Nagato." responded Sister. "What's up? If you're wondering, we didn't find the Spartan-IIs yet over."
"Ok... continue with the mission as planned. UNSC Nagato, over and out." The transmission ended.
Sister faced Lopez. "Well, Lopez, it's time to go now!" She took 5 steps back, and ran off the department store and soared over the undead. "I could do this forever!" She flew down the street, just out of reach of the Necromorph-zombies, heading for a shop titled "GUN STORE".
"Dudo que cualquier cosa es el interior." claimed Lopez as Sister touched down in front of the gun store. There was a lone zombie in front of the entrance that quickly got its skull smashed by the solid stock of Sister's DMR.
Kicking open the door, Sister said "Come on, maybe they have some accessories left!" The glass shelves were void of anything, except for one FAB Defense tactical foregrip with a trigger-activated flashlight, an Aimpoint M2 red dot sight, and a set of MBUS front and rear sights, which would come in handy as backup sights should Sister's scope run out of battery. "I call dibs on the front pistol grip and iron sights!" She announced, taking off her DMR's handguard and attaching the foregrip on, then attaching the MBUS sights.
"Genial. Me sale el visor de punto rojo." said Lopez, putting on the Aimpoint M2 RDS.
"Hurry, they're here!" Sister grabbed Lopez forcefully and pulled him outside and flew to the roof of the gun store, moments before they grabbed Lopez. "See? I told you they still had something! Let's go check out the hotel, where we were receiving the gunfire from."
Later...
"This is good, this is bloody AWESOME!" McLeod fistpumped in success, followed by cheers breaking out in the room he was in. The Nagato still had their views through Lopez's and Sister's visors, and communication was still established. "Ya hear that, Sergeant Kaikaina?"
"Of course I did." she responded. "We're going to go check out this building that was the source of sniper rife fire earlier, over."
"You have the green." McLeod lolled in his rolly, levitating chair and sipped his coffee. "Be careful, over."
"Ok, over and out." responded Sister. They touched down on the roof of hotel, and Lopez emptied his drum magazine all over the floor and killing anything below him. "Hey, Lopez, what's up with you?"
"Podría haber bandidos en este hotel." was his response as he slapped in a fresh magazine.
"Good point." she responded. Flying up in the air and back on the roof, she smashed through it and turned on her helmet lights that cut through the darkness. Her DMR was raised as she slowly walked through the hotel's hallways. "Lopez, cover my six." she ordered. Lopez jumped through the hole and walked backwards, in Sister's direction. "Man, why does my neck feel itchy?" She scratched at it and felt something cold. Something shimmering in the darkenss. Something...
"Mirar hacia fuera." Lopez said calmly. The blade ripped through the air again and clanged off of Sister's helmet. Wow, these things are effective! Mentally remarked Sister. I can't wait to test out the shoulder missile launchers, rechargeable armor bubble shield, energy riot shield, and best of all, the anti-missile flares!
Takahi leapt out of the darkness with his Ithaca 37 Riot Shotgun and got it slapped out of his hands by Lopez. "Estupido." muttered Lopez.
"Hey, who are you? Naruto?! OMG I love Naruto! I thought he had yellow hair, though." Sister immediately let down her guard, unaware of what was holding Lopez by the neck. "Can you show me some of your powers? Like, can you do the hadouken thing? Oh, wait, you don't have the hadouken, do you?"
"WHO THE H-LL ARE YOU!" shrieked Takashi, stumbling back. "WHO THE F—K IS NARUTO?!"
Sister turned around. "Lopez, can you believe this? They have no idea who Naruto is?!" She looked up at Lopez, who was being held by the neck. "Hey, you! Yeah, you! Why are you up in the air?! Are you trying to Balducci levitate?! Because you're doing it really good..." Completely unaware of the Meta, Sister decided to find out how he did it.
"OH. MY. G-D." a monotone voice uttered. "SISTER. YOU ARE NOT DEAD?"
"Who the h-ll said that?!" Sister fired her DMR in the direction of the voice. "Gave me a f—king heart attack! Jeez..."
"IT IS I!" The Meta stepped out of the darkness, releasing Lopez. "THE META."
"Meta? Like Meta Knight?" guessed Sister.
"NO. AGENT MAINE." facepalmed Agent Maine.
"Ooohhhh... yeah! Wait, didn't you die?" she asked suspiciously. "My brother and his friend tied you to a Warthog and pushed you off of a cliff, right?"
Agent Maine took a heroic pose. "YES BUT I SURVIVED B-TCHES!"
"And this person may not." Shizuka emerged from a room, supporting Kohta, who was bleeding profusely from the shoudlers. "You... one of you shot him in the shoulder, and lucky us! We're out of medical supplies." Maybe Lopez's shotgun-machine gun was a little too effective.
"HURTS LIKE H-LL!" wailed Kohta. "Oohh MY GOSH! I have never seen a firearm like that before!" Kohta, ignoring his pain, pointed excitedly to Sister's DMR. "It looks like a bullpup DPMS... what is it? And that! It has a drum magazine that has 12 gauge shotgun shells for faster reloading!"
"ANYWAYS..." the Meta faced Sister. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD."
"Nah, Lopez here shot me in the chest, instead of the head. Oops, I just gave him an idea, didn't I?"
Aboard the Nagato...
"The Meta..." General McLeod was panting in fear, "...is still alive?" He looked once more at Sister's screen, straight into the EVA helmet.
"S-sir? You hair..." one of the informers handed McLeod a mirror, displaying his now-white hair. "...are you really that freaked out?"
"Abigail!" McLeod sat back down in his chair. "Of course I am scared. I dinnae expected such an event to happen. The bloody Meta is still alive! Of course I'm goin' to lose my mind! In fact, I have already! BUT... notice how he hasnae killed Sister or Lopez yet! And if Spork claims he encountered the Meta, then HE wouldnae be alive!"
Tokyo, Japan...
"So..." Sister looked at him shyly and nervously, "...how's life?"
"TERRIBLE." responded the Meta. "WE still have something to do, however. And that... THING... is to take care of Kohta's wound. By the way, great job Lopez."
Lopez shot the Meta an angry look, despite the fact that he had no face to show him. "Gracias." he said sarcastically. "No es como si tuviera la capacidad mágica de ver quién está disparando a mí. Si no tomé acción, habría sido asesinado."
"But you can't be killed." pointed out Agent Maine through his brainwave reader. "See, this armor you're wearing is pretty tough. Is it MK. VII?"
"No. de la Versión 8." explained Lopez. "Nivel de potencia es de nada que he visto antes. El precio también es similar."
"THAT POWERFUL HUH?!" exclaimed the Meta. "WELL, CAN IT HEAL WOUNDS?!" Sister took out the long list of features the MK. VIII and started listing them off. Hardlight-plasma riot shield... shoulder missile launchers... biofoam? Biofoam was a synthetic material that was located in the bodysuit. Its purpose was to fill in wounds like insulation to stop the bleeding, but it required proper medical attention when it was available.
"Ok, I'm gonna rip this f—ker out and spray something in it. It's like insulation...except it helps in clotting wounds. Sounds good?" before Kohta could respond, the slug was yanked out of his shoulder, the equivalent to pouring salt on it.
"MOTHER F—KER!" wailed Kohta. "I didn't even agree to it yet!" Sister took out a can and sprayed the biofoam all over the wound, clotting it instantaneously.
"Luckily, I have morphine!" announced Sister, taking out a syringe and injecting herself. "But I need to test it out first!" She took out another syringe and injected herself again. "Aah... so good..." suddenly, Takashi leapt up and smacked Sister on the back of the head.
"SNAP OUT OF IT AND F—KING GIVE SOME TO KOHTA!" he ordered.
"Jeez, fine... b-tch." grumbled Sister, injecting some of the morphine in Kohta. "Oh, wait... I used that needle... didn't I?"
Nagato...
"So..." McLeod announced, "...doesnae Sister have AIDS, HIV, or anything else like that that she could've transferred to this person? GIVE ME HER BLOODY MEDICAL RECORDS NOW!" A manila folder was slapped on his desk in the observation room, which he opened and observed. "HIV... AIDS... herpes? How the bloody h-ll did she get herpes?" He closed the folder. "Ok, good... she doesn't have AIDS or HIV."
"Yet." pointed out somebody in the room.
"Let's hope she doesnae, lads!" McLeod swung his feet up on his desk and sipped his coffee. Suddenly, he spewed it all over like Old Faithful, then pointed a shaky finger at the screen. "WHY ZE BLOODY H-LL DOES HE LOOK LIKE THAT?!"
"The helmet's broken?" suggested one of the people in the room. "We're switching to interior helmet view." The view inside the helmets yielded same results. "Apparently, something's up with the cameras or the light spectrum."
"Ah, I'm not surprised." McLeod calmed down instantly. "If there are multiple universes indeed, then it's no surprise of some of them look different than ours. I'm bored. Let's go visit Pluto, shall we?"
"Initiating gravity slingshot." announced one of the ship's pilots. The Nagato rose out of the ocean and aligned itself to Jupiter at an angle, casting a shadow over Southeastern Asia. To save time and money, the Nagato was going to use Jupiter's gravity and the law of inertia to launch themselves to Pluto in a matter of seconds. "Waiting for Io to orbit out of the direction."
"F waiting." ordered McLeod. "Blow the bloody moon to dust. It's been mined out already, hasn't it?"
"...it's a colony, sir." responded one of the copilots.
"GRAH!" McLeod growled, sitting back in his chair.
4 hours later...
"Io has moved out of the way. Initiating all thrusters." announced the main pilot. McLeod jerked awake just as the Nagato fired up its thrusters. The distant noise of its fusion reactors hummed quietly. All of a sudden, Earth disappeared form view and billions of lines of light were flying to the ship. "We're reaching Jupiter in 3. Seconds." The thrusters were turned off, revealing Jupiter and all of its orbiting satellites and scientific labs built into its asteroid ring. The "slingshot" was a success; in 30 seconds, the ice ball that barely classified as a dwarf planet came into view. Since its entire lower lithosphere was composed of frozen crude oil and liquified natural gas, gigantic drills that stretched past its moon were riddled all over its surface.
"Pluto, you sonofab-tch. 300 years and you didn't tell us what lay below your frozen face." mumbled McLeod. In fact, Pluto was so abundant in its oil and gas that it was the only reason a certain person got rich and restored glory to his family.
Marcus D. Rockerfeller. The bloke made so much money he owned Saturn and all of its mineral-rich moons, adding to his fortune.
"LOPEZ! Do you speak English?" suddenly asked McLeod, who was looking out the massive window.
"No abla Ingles." spoke Lopez.
"D-mnit..." McLeod had an idea. "ALRIGHT! Lopez, how would you like to speak Japanese?"
Lopez pleaded, "Si." McLeod took out his laptop with a 100% glass monitor and started clicking away at something.
"Alright, Lopez, say hello!" ordered McLeod, smiling.
"Holinchiwa." greeted Lopez. McLeod facepalmed, thinking What the h-ll? Spanishese?! JAPNISH?! Something's wrong... "Watashinonamaeha Ropesudesu. Watashi wa dono yō ni tasukete mo yoi ka? Mi nombre es López. ¿Cómo puedo ayudar?" OH GOD! LOPEZ SPEAKING JAPANESE SOUNDS LIKE HELL! STOP IT! Mcleod, typing madly on his laptop and pushing enter, stopped Lopez's Japanese-speaking reign of death.
"Bloody hell..." McLeod fell back in his rolly chair and sighed in relief.
Somewhere unknown...
"Both of their hosts are comparable to the Coast Redwood and Great Sequoia, no?"
"It depends... how are you going to compare them?"
"Let's assume their height is the power of their spirits, and the thickness the hosts' physical power. As you can see, Great Red is the Coast Redwood. His spirit is much more powerful than mine. But I am the Great Sequoia. My host is much more stronger than his, so in the end, our powers are just on par with each other. This is a greater rivalry than the battle of the two Heavenly Dragons."
"Yes... red vs blue sounds more fitting than red vs white."
"This is interesting... it appears that my host used to be enemies with Great Red's. Now, they are allies. I will reestablish their hatred and the war. Their powers are... quite extraordinary."
"How strong are they?"
"I'd say... their powers have the capability of destroying a galaxy. Dreams and illusions versus chaos, destruction and creation... this is going to be exciting."
"D-MN, WOMAN! YOU SERIOUS?!"
"Yes, Vali. I am serious. After all... I am Ophis. The Ouroboros dragon."
Detroit...
Hint: Great Red's and Ophis's hosts are not Spork and Stratos, even though they are my OC's and would be awesome if they were the hosts.
"So you're saying..." said Master Chief, "...that European mythology is real?"
"Yes." explained Rias. "Issei is the host of one of the Welsh dragons, Ddraig. His rival, Vali, is the host of the English dragon Albion."
"Awesome!" 1337 yelled, mouth full of Doritos. "I knew Thor was real. Maybe I'll get to use his lightning hammer and swing it around the way you do it inDead Rising. But who needs Thor when you have Akeno-San? I'm pretty sure she can kick his A-S!"
"Ara ara ufufufufu... you flatter me!" giggled Akeno.
"Akeno-San can lightning headshot Thor from afar!" 1337 formed an imaginary sniper rifle and shot it. "When he's on the ground, she can go all sadist on his a-s , prod his wounds, and zap him senseless until he breaks his mind!"
"1337-San, I am interested in your form of martial arts." admitted Koneko, who was trying to talk to Gasper hiding in a cardboard box. "Is it Judo?"
"NO!" 1337 jumped on the table and put his hands on his hips. "IT IS THE FALCON! Not the grasshopper, the FALCON! It consists of Falcon punches, Falcon kicks, Falcon b-tch slaps, and even Falcon bullet punches, like Master Ip. It is the awesome form of martial arts, and it is my way. Surprisingly effective. But... you'll need a lot of stamina, agility, cat-like reflexes, and power."
"I have all." Koneko stood up, and suddenly, out of nowhere, a pair of white cat ears appeared on her head, in place of her normal ones. Suffering from a heart attack, 1337 stumbled back and off of the table. "Cat-like speed, reflexes, and the power of 10 bears."
"Heck no." corrected Issei. "More like 50."
"Guys! Meta versus Koneko. Who would win?" queried Caboose.
"Well, based on personal experience..." 1337 reclined, drowning in thought. "...I remember a few years back, I was sent on a search expedition to a crashed Frigate with 3 other people. Out of the dirt... I see a twitching, armored hand sticking out! Instinctively reaching down to grab it up, it instead pulled me into the floor as it helped itself up. It was the META! He punched me so hard I flew into the Pelican that dropped me off. And then... he killed the rest of my friends with his d-mn bare hands. I remember... one of the guys died when the Meta shoved his hand up the poor fellow's anus, reached up to grab his brain, and ripped it out of his body through his anus. Now I know why his funeral was closed casket."
"That hurts just to think about it." winced Donut.
"And guess what was the worst part about his funeral. The part where they said 'it was a quick and painless death'. Now, getting a hand shoved up your poo hole is not quick and painless, especially when he was trying to reach that far." sighed 1337. "The Meta... when I see him, I'm going to Mike Tyson punch him."
"1337-San, who's Mike Tyson?" asked Asia.
"Somebody." answered Grif. "Who punches hard."
Meanwhile...
"McLeod! We have a problem! If it was on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, I'd say over nine thousand!" Instantly, McLeod jerked awake and ran up to whoever called him.
"What is it, lad? Did they finally release Quarter-Life 2: Episode 3? Perhaps Quarter-Life 3? OH! Perhaps they finally made Shawshank Redemption 2!" conjectured McLeod. The person facepalmed, and said:
"So... do you know Spartan-007 Spork?"
"H-ll yeah I do. What about him?"
"If you know Spork... did you know he had was supposed to be one of three triplets?"
McLeod, who was drinking his coffee, snorted it out of his nose. "Wait, what lad? Spork has 2 triplet bros and/or sisters and he dinnae tell us this whole time?!"
"Yeah, he had a twin, all right..." said the person, "... but only one baby came out alive. That baby was Spork, and apparently, the other two died of unknown causes while it was only a few days away."
"So!" Guessed McLeod. "You're saying that Spork killed his triplet brother and/or sister... when he was in his mommy's womb? Unless he Mike Tyson punched him/her, I dinnae-"
"General McLeod, you can now stop trying to talk in an American accent. You keep saying 'do not' as 'dinnae', and I'm seeing no signs of improvement."
"Weel, then! How come did yi'll waant tae tell me aboot this anyways?"
The person cupped her ears. "My gosh, sir, nevermind. Anyways... I wanted to tell you this because it turns out Spork is actually on the verge of undergoing a mental breakdown. And by mental breakdown, I mean 'turn into a psychotic psycho'. It turns out he had this ever since he was born, and we do not know why. It's definitely not genetic; nobody in his family has this kind of condition. When we last did a little psychological testing and scanning of him, it turns out he is literally inches away from his mental outbreak."
"Hah, sounds like bullsh-t." McLeod removed his helmet and started to drink his Scrumpy. "No, it sounds like soomthin' out of a terribly written FanFiction story, no? How do we know this, anyways?"
The person looked at McLeod. "Well, the Covenant sort of... loaned it to us... and we dismantled it, studied it, and rebuilt it so we could create our own versions. Technology is a wonder, isn't it?"
"ELLEN!" McLeod suddenly shouted, about to be 'drunked up'. "Without technology, Americans wouldnae survive. HOWEVER, technology is good for creating lies, which makes me think all ya sayin' is utter 'nd complete bullsh-t 'nd ya sad excuse to pull Spork out of th' UNSC. Nice try, sistah, but y' can't fool me!"
"What about his medical records?" Ellen pulled out a large manila folder and slammed it on the desk. Opening it, McLeod observed its contents and dropped his bottle of Scrumpy.
"Ellen, what did you say again?"
"I said that Spork has an unstable mind. At any moment, he could lose control over himself and go insane. Try to imagine Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde and you can compare Jekyll to Spork. Some psychologists have suggested that his insanity is his dead triplet brother and/or his dead triplet sister, but I personally think that they've been reading too much creepypasta. What do you think?"
"Ellen, for once, ah completely agree with ya, especially th' last one!" claimed McLeod. "Ah think we can agree that it is physically and mentally impossible for something so absurd to happen."
"Oh, ok, well then-"
"What? Did ah say I agree? NO! H-ll no, ah didnae say that!" McLeod jerked awake, then hiccuped. "I think it is impossible for such a machine to exist." Ellen sighed and facepalmed as McLeod stumbled back to his chair and fell asleep as soon as he sat back down on it.
Detroit...
"...and so, I come to a conclusion." announced Grif. "That creepypasta story was the worst one I ever read."
"I know, right?!" agreed Stratos. "It seems like total elephant sh-t that your dead twin is actually, like, you evil and psychotic alter ego! So.. unoriginal!"
"Actually, guys..." spoke up Spork, "...did you know I was supposed to have a twin?"
Everybody looked at him incredulously.
"Yeah... I was supposed to have a twin brother, but my mother pushed out a corpse. When I emerged, I thought I could feel something that wasn't right. Yes, I remember that far back."
"I read once that twins had some sort of telepathic connection. The book claimed that even when they grew separately, they had similar lives. When one twin was in danger, the other could sense something was amiss." said Rias.
"Ehembullsh-tehem." coughed Church.
"Wow, robots can cough?!" Caboose said in awe.
"...my mother planned to name him Frederick. She never told me about him." said Spork.
"Wait... then how do you know about this?" wondered Master Chief.
"Oh... one day I went for a little diving in manila folders. But don't tell anybody." he answered, reclining and crossing his arms. "Although I think having 2 brothers and 4 sisters would be nice, instead of 1 brother and 4 sisters."
Master Chief said, "I'm sorry for your loss."
"Yeah, I get that a lot." Spork looked up. "We could've switched identities... and other stuff... man, I wonder what happened to him." he wondered. "They still live on in my mind, though. They will... forever."
We do.