SAM'S ESCAPE
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
SETTING: Quinn's house, church, Target, McKinley High
WHO: Sam Evans and Quinn Fabray, others
WHEN: end of August/beginning of September
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to Glee or any other song/product mentioned below.
The next day, Sam and Quinn woke up and did the walk of shame together to get breakfast before church. His parents met them in the kitchen and all his dad said after giving him a very stern look was discretion. Quinn showed Stevie and Stacey her ring and told them that she was going to marry their big brother, making her kind of like their big sister. Stacey squealed and hugged Quinn, and Stevie was all smiles and even made an exception to his very strict rule of never hugging girls and hugged her too.
After the service at church, Sam and Quinn made their way to speak with the minister. They told him their engagement news, and he ushered them into his office to go over the calendar. They were told January 1st would be a fine day to get married. He was the first person they had told about getting married who didn't appear scared or angry or shocked, just happy for them. They decided on January 1st at 2:30. The minister told them that the church often counseled engaged couples and if they were interested in that they could sign up for some counseling time. They looked at one another, not sure they needed counseling, so he gave them some information to go over. They left the church hand-in-hand, smiling at one another.
Leaving church, they went to a Target to buy school supplies. They were wandering up and down aisles and decided to buy another couple boxes of condoms; they had ripped through the other 20 like nobody's business that summer. He chose ultra thins and she chose the colored ones again, probably because she knew there'd a glow-in-dark one in there. I love her wild streakhe thought, putting the boxes absentmindedly in the front of the cart on the kids' seat.
They found the school supplies and each picked out what they needed. She loved how excited he was picking his stuff out. Avatar pencils and pens, Star Wars notebooks, NBA book covers. He was throwing stuff in the cart and saw her amusement. This cool stuff helps make it fun to learn Quinn he told her, rolling his eyes in an exaggerated manner and then turned around and grabbed some Star Trek folders. At least he chose a plain black backpack. She picked out a purple backpack like his and all her stuff was in pastel colors, some stuff with a groovy retro design.
They rounded a corner laughing about his light saber ruler and what exactly they could measure with that and ran into Ms. Pillsbury and Mr. Schuester.
"Hey you two!" Mr. Schue said happily. "You both look great! Did you have a good summer?"
"Excellent summer Mr. Schue," Sam said, smiling at Quinn. "We're getting married!" Sam grabbed her left hand and shoved under Mr. Schue's nose pretty much.
Quinn really wanted to poke Mr. Schue to see if he'd just fall over from the shocked expression on his face. Ms. Pillsbury was clapping and jumping up and down saying oooooooooo! then pulling Quinn's hand over to check out her ring.
"Oh, this is absolutely gorgeous Quinn! And looks so beautiful on your finger," Ms. Pillsbury said in her wistful voice. Quinn thanked her and looked over at Sam who had the box of colored condoms in his hands, absentmindedly tossing them back and forth in his hands like a football, as he spoke to Mr. Schue. Mr. Schue clearly looked embarrassed. Quinn was going to try to break in and grab them from him but then decided oh what the hell, Sam looked happy telling the proposal story to Schue and how much fun they'd had at Cedar Point so she just let it go. He'd laugh about it later, she hoped. She stood by quietly, watching, as Ms. Pillsbury started listening to Sam. Quinn couldn't help smiling; he was using the box of condoms as his prop, such as how he got down on one knee and held up the ring (box of condoms) and asked Quinn to marry him, the digital display in the gallery (he swooped the box of condoms over his head showing them how the ceiling was rounded), all the candles (box of condoms going around in a circle between Sam, Ms. Pillsbury, and Schue), the violin music (box of condoms was now a violin bow). He rested his arm on the cart, tapping the box of condoms there and then realized what exactly he had been holding all along. He looked at Quinn, absolutely mortified, and found her hiding a smile. He dropped the box of condoms back into the cart.
I cannot believe she let me stand here and wave condoms all around in front of two teachers…who are probably doing it but still…and she didn't try to get my attention or anything, just giggling over there…my face is probably ten shades of red right now
…he thought. His face and ears were burning up.
"We're totally ready for Glee Club this year, Mr. Schue," Sam said with none of the excitement had been speaking with before. He looked down at his shoes.
"Great! So am I Sam," Schue said, sensing his embarrassment. "I found this old Journey album this summer that they only released in Europe in 1972 and…"
"Awesome Mr. Schue," Quinn interrupted. "We'll see you this week!" She steered Sam and their cart down another aisle.
She realized that Sam was probably not going to find this funny ever. He was pushing the cart, looking straight ahead, frowning. "I'm sorry Sam…I didn't know how to get you to stop…"
"Maybe just say 'Sam?' and nod at the box of condoms I'm waving around?"
"It's not that big a deal…they know we're getting married, they know we're living together, I think they have a clue what we do in my bedroom…in your car…on the couch…lots of times in the tent…in the backyard…in the pool…"
That made him smile, and he wrapped his arm around her waist as they walked side by side and pulled her close to his shoulder.
"They're probably just happy there are two kids at McKinley actually being responsible," he said, pecking her on the cheek.
"Well, I am really sorry…don't be mad at me, okay?" she asked him.
"I could never be mad at you Q…I was just like embarrassed…" he said. She wrapped her arm through his.
"Oh, I almost forgot, Sam, I need tampons and stuff…" She turned the cart back toward the health and beauty aisles. He groaned inwardly but knew it was just a fact of life they had to deal with.
She picked up tampons, pads, and panty liners. "Watch closely Sam…in case I ever send you out for this stuff…" she said, kind of laughing.
He was shocked. "You need all that?" He didn't know what all happened during shark week but thought it involved like a tampon and that was it. Okay, this is Quinn, I need to learn more about her, even this stuff, if I'm going to be her husband he thought to himself.
"Well yeah, I'm on my period for like a week Sam…" she said.
"And like one tampon doesn't cover it?" he asked, totally clueless.
She looked at him and he looked at her. Cue the crickets she thought.
"One tampon covers it for maybe 3 hours in one day, Sam…you don't know what happens, do you?" she asked him.
Quietly, he said, "Well, there's like bleeding and a tampon and after a week we go back to sexytimes. Right?"
"Well, it starts with cramps, sore boobs, bloating, can't get enough to eat, emotions all over the place and that's the few days before I start…"
He just stood there blinking.
"Then, all that increases and the bleeding starts, bleeding like Niagara Falls, tampons andpads the first couple days, trying not to ruin clothes and sheets, and I get to enjoy that for like 5 to 7 days." She exhaled, crossing her arms in front of her.
He exhaled, blowing his cheeks out. "So, you're getting ready to start, aren't you?"
He got slugged for that. He thought he better see what all she picked out so he'd know because he had a real good feeling he'd be going on a tampon run in the near future. He picked up the box of tampons; it was a multi pack with sizes for different times of your period (god help me), super heavy flow (oh god), heavy flow (jesus), light flow (why me). This is worse than using the condoms to illustrate my proposal, dear god, he thought, mainly because she eyeballed him the entire time he looked at the stuff. He picked up the small box of panty liners next. For light flow and spotting (what the hell was spotting?). Why did he have to look at the picture of the smiling girl having a happy period? Quinn clearly made it sound not happy at all. He knew his mom used this stuff, but he certainly never paid one damn bit of attention, staying as far away from it as possible. He took a deep breath and picked up the bag of pads. Maximum overnight protection? He literally wanted to drop through the floor right then and there.
"So you shove these in your underpants when you sleep then? Why not use a tampon all the time?" he asked, thinking that'd be the simplest solution if he was a chick.
"You can't use a tampon overnight…you can't leave a tampon up in there for more than like 4 hours…oftentimes, I wish I had a penis."
He looked at her. "Then what's this about having a happy period?" He grabbed the panty liners.
"Marketing, I guess. I don't find it very happy. Those 9 months I was pregnant though were pretty happy periods," she said, chuckling.
"So, what you're telling me, is like every girl deals with this every freaking month?" he asked, kind of shocked.
"Kind of from fifth or sixth grade on…" she answered, looking at other stuff on the shelf. He recalled seeing the "Becoming A Man" video in fifth grade for the boys about hair in strange places and hygiene and erections and wet dreams. Oh god the girls watched one about becoming a woman oh god it was about this he thought.
"Jeez Q…I really had no idea…sorry…I just never had a reason to give it much thought, I guess," he said, tossing the box of panty liners in the cart.
"Maybe we'll learn more about it in biology," she laughed.
A mom and her young daughter came down the aisle, and Sam grabbed the cart and practically ran out of the area.
"You were right about one thing, though…" she said at the checkout.
He looked at her. He couldn't even begin to imagine what.
"It is shark week now…" she said. Thank you god for the epic sex last night, he thought.
They spent the rest of Sunday getting their stuff together for the first day of school and then took Stevie and Stacey to play at the park for awhile. After getting the kids home, she said she forgot something at Tina's and had to run over there, which was the truth. Sam stayed home to watch some sports show on TV.
At Tina's, she picked up her purchase from the day before.
Tina asked her eagerly, "Well? How was your date last night?"
Quinn bit her lip and then shoved her left hand out. Tina latched onto it tightly.
"Quinn! That's not a promise ring! Oh my god!" They both started squealing and jumping up and down together. Finally, they calmed down, and Tina made her spill the details.
"Mercedes and I knew something was up, but he would not tell us one single thing! I am so excited and happy for you both Quinn!" Tina said.
"Just keep it a secret til we have a chance to tell the whole group, okay? Please?" Quinn asked her.
"I will try…oh, it will be hard! I can do it though, for you two," Tina promised her.
When she returned to the house, they decided to pick out what they'd wear to school the next day. Sam pulled out a pair of the new shorts Quinn had bought him, a McKinley High t-shirt, socks, and briefs. He was ready. He went with Quinn to her bedroom to go through her closet. Two hours later, she had finally settled on one of the new dresses she bought that weekend, her hair accessories, her underthings, her sandals. He was almost ready to fall asleep on her floor.
She stood up and started messing around in the bag she had brought back from Tina's. "Go sit on the bed Sam…I need to talk to you…" The way she said it kind of worried him. I'm probably in trouble for being such a douche during the whole period talk he thought. I kinda feel like I'm gonna start my period…I think I have cramps, oh wait, nope just a fart…crap, here she comes. He laughed out loud to himself and she asked him what was so funny and he said just thinking about waving those condoms around! She laughed too, so crisis narrowly averted.
Until she sat down facing him on the bed and said, "Seriously Sam?" God I can't hide anything from her! he thought, trying to figure out a way to cover up whatever she thought she smelled. I'm just busted. He couldn't keep the huge smile off his face.
"I don't know what you're talking about, m'lady," I'll try to sweet talk my way out of this one.
"Ugh…disgusting…" she murmured, wrinkling up her perfect little nose and all its freckles. He was still sitting there smiling like an idiot. If she didn't stop it…as if she didn't fart ever…he was just going to let another one rip and then whatever she wanted to talk about would soon be forgotten and maybe he could kiss her nose a little and...
"I guess if we're going to be married, then that stuff is going to happen. Just don't be surprised when I Dutch oven you," she said, smiling at him.
"I am marrying the best girl ever to walk the face of this planet, I know it!" he said all excited. Then seriously, he added, "Please don't ever Dutch oven me."
They both laughed at that, being silly, enjoying the last night of summer vacation. They were both sitting Indian style on her bed, knees touching like in the tent while camping, except the mood was considerably lighter. She had that bag clutched to her chest.
"Okay, Sam, if you can control your bodily functions for the next couple minutes, I have something to share with you," she started off. He snorted when she said bodily functions.
"Can I pee first?" he asked.
"Are you serious?"
"Uh yeah…I get nervous, especially when you say you want to talk…now I need to pee…yesterday right before you got to the planetarium I had to pee…and then the thunder in the tent…" She could tell he was about to give her all kind of situations that made him so nervous he'd have to pee so she cut him off and told him to make it snappy.
She heard him in the bathroom, since he left the door standing wide open, and he peed forever. His bladder must be the size of a swimming pool, god, she thought. Sweet jesus, he farted again! She heard the seat drop down and the water running as he washed his hands. At least he does that for me.
"God, Sam, what did you eat today?" she asked him from the bedroom.
He came out of the bathroom, smiling. "I'm sorry Q…I totally can't help it…I think it was the baked beans at the pitch-in at the church…" Great, she had eaten those too.
"I'll try to stop okay? I might explode but I won't do that anymore in your presence…" he said, laughing, taking his spot on her bed again. "Okay, what did you want to talk about? Am I in trouble for being a douche today?"
"What? A douche? I don't even know what you're talking about…" she said confused.
"You know, 'cause I didn't know anything about, like, periods and stuff…"
"Oh, well you're a boy, I didn't expect you to know all the ins and outs…only using one tampon was pretty funny though," she said, giggling.
"So, I was thinking, would it be possible for like every girl and, uh, lady at McKinley to all be on the rag at the same time?" he asked her.
"I suppose it's possible but not likely…I know that if girls like share a room like at college or sisters they sometimes synch their cycles," she said.
"Sink their what?" he asked. All he could picture was girls on their periods playing Battleship.
"Synchronize their cycles…where they're all on their periods at the same time…seriously," she said when his mouth dropped open.
"Oh…okay…" he said, still kind of confused and also so glad he had a working penis.
"Okay…do you have everything out of your system now? Farts? Pee? Periods? Douchebaggery?" she said, winking at him.
"Best. Fiancée. Ever. I'm done…." he said, laughing.
"Thank you! Okay, I knew you were doing something for me obviously," she wiggled her ring finger in the air. "…so I wanted to do something for you. Something special."
"Awww Q…you didn't have to do anything for me," he said, now more curious about what was in the bag she was clutching to her chest.
"I got the idea when you were so excited about your light saber when we were camping…" she continued.
"Yeah, my light saber… pewwwng pewwwng pewwwng twooooop twooooop pewwwng pewwwng pewwwng beeeep beeeep…" He started using his phantom light saber between his legs. "Wasn't that ruler awesome today, Q?"
"Sam…" God he was adorable when he did that she thought, trying to keep a stern face.
"I'm sorry…" He smirked at her, clasping his hands together in his lap.
She sighed. "I'm just giving these to you. I love you and I wanted you to have them…" She shoved the sack at him.
He could feel what was in the bag and by the weight of it, there was a good number of them. He looked up at her, suddenly very serious.
"Quinn, you didn't…"
"I did….for you Sam…"
He reached in the sack and started pulling the comic books out one by one, astounded by the ones she chose for him. Superman, The Hulk, Spiderman, X Men, The Green Lantern, Batman, The Justice League, Captain America, Star Wars. At least 2 copies of each.
Then, he kind of felt bad for messing around with her about wanting to talk to him when she really just wanted to give him all these. He was pretty sure he owned all the comics that were in the sack before the homeless situation crashed down on him, forcing him to sell his collection that he had been so proud of.
She saw his face start to scrunch up as he looked at comic books, moving through them gently, then swiping at his face once the tears started.
"Quinn…" he whispered, still staring down at the comic books scattered across his lap. He swiped at his face again and looked up at her.
"Are they okay? Are they ones you like Sam?" she asked him, hoping she had picked out good ones for him. He's crying…I think I did okayshe thought, wanting to go to him but he was kind of covered in comic books.
"Yeah, they're perfect Q…no one has ever done anything like this for me, ever…" He went back to looking at them, not wanting her to see the tears. "Thank you."
"Can I come over to kiss and hug you please?" she asked. He gathered them all up and moved them off his lap. She leaned up and put her hands on his knees, kissing him, then hugging him awkwardly. "Sam, I love you…I wanted to do something for you like you did for me, okay?"
"You're so cool Q…I love you too…" He finally smiled at her.
She got up to get ready for bed and he looked at his comic books for a while longer. She set the alarm for school and he put the comics on her desk. He stripped down to his boxers and turned off the lights because there was no way he was sleeping on that couch. He crawled into bed next to her, and they lay there on their backs, holding hands, looking at the moonlight across her ceiling.
"You're awesome," he said to her in the dark.
"You think so?" she responded.
"Totally…"
She didn't know exactly how she pulled it off, must've been the baked beans, but she totally farted and yanked the blanket up over his head before he had a chance to respond.
"Oh my god Quinn! I told you no Dutch ovens…oh my god!" They struggled together for a while, laughing, her trying to keep him under the blanket and him trying to escape. He eventually won that battle. "I so deserved that, Q…you are freaking hilarious!"
"Let's just call it even, okay?" she said.
"Even stevens…sweet dreams Q…" he said, pulling her close to him.
A/N: I just have to say I *loved* this chapter...to me, it was funny, lighthearted, loving, silly...I don't know...just fun. :) Hope you all enjoy it also! Thank you as always for your time when reading and reviewing! :)