HOLD ME NOW
Disclaimer: The characters in CSI: New York do not belong to me. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Summary: The cliché was true, sometimes you didn't know what you had until it was gone. The question was: could you ever get it back again once you'd lost it? Lindsay Monroe was about to find out the answer.
Notes: Okay so the last few chapters have necessarily focused on Danny and Lindsay's therapy sessions, which means that Lucy has been in the background for the most part. I think it's time for her to come out of hiding therefore. Also, I wanted to write some Lindsay/Lucy centric scenes because they don't show much of that on the show. They're much more focused on Danny as a father instead of Lindsay as a Mom. I'll admit Danny/Lucy is super cute, but I still think they're missing a trick...
Anyway, enough of my rambling; please read on and enjoy…
OOOOOO
Part 35 – Mommy and Me
Staten Island, later the same day…
Arriving at her in-laws' house around midday, Lindsay pulled into the kerb and shut off the engine, but didn't immediately get out of the car. Instead, she sat in the driver's seat for a while, taking some time to gather her thoughts before she went to collect her daughter from inside. Today, she would have to face Danny's parents alone and she wasn't quite sure what to expect. She and Rosa had always had a good relationship in the past, but considering that it had been Lindsay who had instigated the divorce proceedings the previous year; she wasn't entirely convinced that that would hold true anymore.
Of course, her mother-in-law still believed her son was wholly responsible for their split so she was probably worrying over nothing. This rather unjustified proportioning of blame remained a niggling source of consternation for Lindsay however. It just didn't sit comfortably with her innate sense of right and wrong. She'd said as much to Danny over brunch that morning, but he'd been infuriatingly blasé about the whole thing...
Earlier that morning…
"Whether I technically broke my marriage vows or not is beside the point, Lindsay," he told her around a mouthful of crisply-fried bacon. "In the end, all our problems stem from what happened with Rikki."
"Not all of them," Lindsay protested as she took a sip of her orange juice.
"But if that had never happened," he said.
"Then I'm not even sure whether we would have gotten married," she finished for him.
Danny paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. "How do you mean?" he asked, his forehead crinkling into a troubled frown.
"I just…" Lindsay stopped and gnawed at her bottom lip, and then took a deep breath and rushed on before she lost the nerve to voice what she was thinking. "Look, let's be honest here, okay? It's that which made you truly commit to us, isn't it? Do you think you would have allowed our relationship to develop into something more serious if we'd carried on as we were?"
If he was brutally honest with himself, Danny couldn't be absolutely certain, but seeing as Lindsay was as much the woman he'd fallen in love with before Rikki as she was after, he couldn't see why not. It might have taken him a little more time to come to terms with his feelings if it hadn't been for that slip-up, but he didn't think he'd have let Lindsay go even so. He supposed he would never know for sure, but it didn't really matter now in any case.
"I don't know," he said, "But we are where we are, so it's not really an issue now, is it?"
"But your Mom thinking what she thinks is," Lindsay re-iterated stubbornly. "It's not right, Danny - that's all I'm saying."
Danny sighed. "Look, she's just about forgiven me now anyway," he said, "So why rock the boat? It's only going to open an unnecessary can of worms. Nothing can change what I did - whether I was unfaithful before or after our marriage makes no difference now."
"I guess I'm just not comfortable with her continuing to think that our split was entirely your fault," Lindsay said.
"But how comfortable would you be about her knowing every intimate detail?" Danny rejoined somewhat maddeningly.
Lindsay shook her head in disbelief. "Doesn't it bother you at all?" she demanded in exasperation.
"What? That my Mom thinks I'm an adulterer, you mean?" Danny shrugged; the nonchalance in the gesture not entirely genuine. "Yes," he eventually confessed, "But I figure it's no more than I deserve. I may not have had a ring on my finger, but it's not as if I didn't commit the crime she's sentencing me for, is it?"
A metaphorical light-bulb went on inside Lindsay's head at that. "So you're deliberately punishing yourself, is that it?"
Danny looked away from her too-knowing gaze. "Perhaps," he admitted frankly. "Maybe if I do the necessary time, I can find a way to forgive myself for the pain I caused."
"I've forgiven you," Lindsay told him then, realising that it was something that needed to be said. This past week had been a maelstrom of see-sawing emotions for her, but if there was one truth that had come out of it, it was that.
Danny remained unconvinced however. "Have you?" he enquired, his tone doubtful. "Truly? Hand on heart?"
Lindsay nodded. "Yes," she assured him earnestly, reaching out for his hands across the table-top.
"Perhaps it doesn't always seem like it," she went on when his hands closed around hers in return, "But I have, I swear. Forgiving you for hurting me is not really the issue anymore, Danny. It may have been once, but I think we're past that now. Trusting you to be there for me in the future... well, that's what I'm having a little more difficulty with, but even that's not all down to you, you know. There are so many other factors that affect the way I feel in that respect."
Swallowing hard to get rid of the sudden lump that had arisen in his throat, Danny tightened his fingers around hers. "Thank you," he said, his voice a little croaky.
"For what?" she asked, confused by this public display of emotion from her usually taciturn other half.
Blinking back the insistent prickle of tears, Danny shot her a rather lop-sided smile. "For saying the words," he replied. "I don't think I realised how much I needed to hear them until now."
Lindsay's gaze dropped from his face to their joined hands. "It's not everything you want though, is it?" she said despondently.
"No," he agreed, sliding a finger under her chin and bringing her gaze back to his. "But 'I forgive you' is a big deal, Lindsay, so it's a damn good start. I know that 'I trust you' is going to take more time, but this means a lot so thank you… Just… thank you."
He lowered his gaze then as the tears finally escaped despite his best efforts to keep them at bay.
"Danny…" Lindsay murmured, quickly moving out of her seat and around to his side of the table so that she could put her arms around him.
Danny buried his face against her shoulder, struggling to contain his wayward emotions. His breath hitched once as she stroked her hand over his hair, but then he seemed to regain his composure a little. Lifting his head, he cupped her face in his palms and kissed her fervently, a sense of gratitude more than passion driving his actions, but not lessening their emotional impact in the slightest.
Back in the present…
In a vain attempt to focus her mind back on the task at hand, Lindsay determinedly climbed out of the car and headed up the driveway to the front door. Try as she might though, she couldn't stop her thoughts from drifting back to that earlier conversation with her husband.
As much as Danny had needed to hear the words, she'd needed to witness his reaction to them. The palpable relief on his face, not to mention the sheer strength of the emotion expressed, all helped to lay a stronger foundation of trust for them to build on. In the past twenty-four hours, she felt as if they'd turned yet another important corner in their journey of redemption. Moreover, with each such corner turned, the load they carried got a whole lot easier to bear.
Coming to a halt on the front stoop, she pressed the door-bell and smiled as her daughter's voice sounded as clear as a song-bird from the inside. "Mommy's here!" the little girl squealed in obvious delight.
A few moments later, Rosa opened the door with a welcoming smile. "Hello Lindsay, come on in," she said, waving her daughter-in-law inside. "I'm just giving Lucy her lunch."
"You didn't have to do that," Lindsay said, as she stepped over the threshold and shrugged out of her thick, winter coat.
"Danny said something about taking you out for brunch so I figured you wouldn't be hungry," her mother-in-law said, as she took Lindsay's coat from her and hung it up in the hall closet. "It was no trouble for me to whip up a bowl of pasta – I was fixing something for Michael and myself anyway."
"You spoke to Danny?" Lindsay queried as she followed Rosa down the hallway towards the kitchen.
The older woman nodded. "Yes, earlier this morning," she replied. "He rang to check on Lucy like he always does when she's staying over with us."
Lindsay had to suppress a guilty sigh at that. Danny did that all the time, she knew - called morning and night when his daughter wasn't in his care. It wasn't that he didn't trust whoever was looking after her; it was more his way of staying connected to his little girl even when he was forced to be apart from her.
She'd stolen that sense of security from him by her too hasty pursuit of a legal separation and it made her feel ashamed to think of it now. At the time she'd honestly believed that she was being more than reasonable with the amount of access she was giving him, but the pure fact of the matter was that Lucy spent significantly more time with her than she did with Danny. He no longer got to see his daughter every day as he had done for the first few years of her life, whereas Lindsay rarely went twenty-four hours without having at least some contact with their little girl.
Still, things were improving in that respect. In the past few weeks, Danny had been a much bigger part of her and Lucy's daily lives than he had been for over a year now. She knew there was still a mountain left for them to climb, but she felt as if they were securely tethered to each other now. The possibility of either of them changing their minds and back-tracking was no longer a major concern to her. They knew where they were going and had their eyes firmly focused on their eventual destination. It was just going to take a little more time to get there, that's all.
"Hey-o Mommy," Lucy greeted happily when Lindsay followed Rosa into the cluttered but homely kitchen. The little girl sat in a bolstered chair with a bowl of pasta on the table in front of her and a rim of tomato sauce decorating her lips like badly applied lipstick.
"Hey sweetie!" Lindsay returned, bending to kiss the top of the pre-schooler's head. "Have you been a good girl for Nonna?"
"Uh-huh," Lucy nodded confidently. "We made cookies," she announced, waving her hand at the counter where the cookies were laid out on a wire-rack to cool. "They be ready to eat yet?" she asked her grandmother hopefully, her blue eyes effortlessly guileless.
"As angelically innocent as her father," Rosa commented to Lindsay, who laughed.
"Oh, I think he's still a little ahead of the game," she returned with a grin.
Rosa smiled, and then turned her attention back to the waiting Lucy. "As long as Mommy says it's ok, you can have one for dessert," she informed the little girl. "But we'll pack up the rest for you to take home with you, all right?"
"You an' Grandpa can keep some too if you like," Lucy offered magnanimously. "Mommy says I have to 'member to share."
"Mommy does," Lindsay concurred, "And she also says you have to eat up all your pasta before you can have that cookie, okay?"
"Okay," Lucy agreed and promptly speared another sauce-coated spiral with her fork to show willing.
The door to the kitchen from the outside opened then, and Michael Messer stepped over the threshold in search of sustenance. "Oo cookies!" he said, rubbing his hands together with exaggerated glee.
"Me and Nonna made 'em," his granddaughter informed him.
"Is that so? Well, they're going to be super, extra special delicious with all that added Lucy magic, aren't they?"
Lucy giggled. "You're silly, Grandpa."
"You mean you haven't got fairy-dust in your fingertips? Well, I am disappointed."
Lucy giggled again and Rosa rolled her eyes. "If you've ever wondered where Danny gets it from, now you know," she remarked dryly to Lindsay before turning back to her husband. "There's pasta in the pot there," she told him, indicating the covered saucepan on the stove. "Help yourself if you're hungry."
"You gotta eat it all up before you can have a cookie," Lucy interjected. "Mommy says so."
Michael grinned. "Ahh well, if Mommy says so then I guess I'd better do as I'm told, huh?" he said, winking playfully at Lindsay who shot him a faint smile in return.
Lucy nodded seriously. "You don't want a time-out."
"That I don't," he agreed soberly, even as his eyes twinkled with suppressed mirth.
Taking a bowl from the counter, he scooped a generous ladleful of pasta into it, and then took it to the table and sat down next to his granddaughter to enjoy his lunch.
"How about we go upstairs and pack up Lucy's things?" Rosa said to Lindsay as her husband proceeded to sprinkle grated parmesan and black pepper over his food. "Michael will keep an eye on Lucy, won't you, dear?"
Michael shot his wife a slightly quizzical look, but nodded his agreement in spite of that. "Sure thing, honey."
Lindsay's stomach pitched. She wasn't stupid; Rosa clearly wanted to speak to her in private. She couldn't exactly refuse the request without coming across as extraordinarily rude though, so there wasn't much else she could do but follow her mother-in-law upstairs to the small guest bedroom.
"I wanted to thank you," Rosa said, as she sat down on the bed and began to fold Lucy's discarded clothes from the day before.
"For what?" Lindsay asked, bending down to gather up the various scattered toys from the floor.
"For giving Danny a second chance," her mother-in-law replied. "I know he can be difficult sometimes, but he's a good boy really – and he does love you, you know. This Rachel thing was just an aberration. She turned his head when he should have been focusing on his family. He knows that now and it won't happen again, I'm sure of it. If there's one thing I can say confidently about my son, it's that he usually learns from his mistakes." Her expression darkened. "Unlike his brother who just kept repeating them until it killed him," she finished bleakly.
Lindsay didn't know what to say. On the one hand, here was the perfect opportunity for her to set her mother-in-law straight about the circumstances of her and Danny's break-up. On the other, she couldn't help recalling her husband's words of caution from earlier that morning.
'Why rock the boat? It's only going to open an unnecessary can of worms.'
She sighed and settled for a halfway house. "Rachel wasn't the reason for our split," she told Rosa quietly. "She came after. I'm not saying it didn't hurt, but… well, she wasn't the reason, that's all."
Rosa nodded. "Danny said as much a few weeks ago, but it didn't help matters, did it?"
"Rosa look…" Lindsay stopped, brushing a weary hand across her face before continuing. "I don't want to live my life plagued with 'what if's' okay? What's done is done. Me and Danny – we've put it behind us and we're trying to move on. It's not been easy, far from it, but we're together and we're working our way back towards being happy again, and that's all that really matters to us right now."
"You should forgive him, you know," she urged, her brown eyes a little over-bright with the emotions she was struggling to suppress. "If I can find it in my heart to do so then so can you."
Rosa sighed. "I'm just so angry that he nearly ruined the best thing that ever happened to him," she said. "When he married you… well, my boy truly became a man, and to see him back-track like that was just too much to take."
Except he hadn't really back-tracked, Lindsay thought to herself. The extra maturity he'd gained by becoming a husband and father hadn't diminished. He may not have handled the trials and tribulations of marriage all that well – and had dived thoughtlessly into another relationship to assuage his pain over their split - but his heart had been in the right place even if his actions hadn't always been the perfect mirror of that.
"Life's too short for holding grudges, Rosa," she said. "It's time to let it go now. He doesn't say much, but I know it hurts him that the two of you have been at odds over this, and I don't want to be the cause of any more strife between the two of you. He didn't mess things up all on his own, you know. I have to take some responsibility for the way things turned out."
"He's lucky to have you. I hope he knows that."
"I think we both know how lucky we are," Lindsay said. "We've each hurt the other badly and yet we still want to be together despite that. That has to count for something, I think. We've already demonstrated that we have the ability to endure, we just have to prove that we can do what it takes to make each other happy."
"Well, I'll be praying for you both every day," Rosa told her sincerely.
Lindsay nodded. "Thank you," she returned with quiet appreciation. "We're grateful for every ounce of support we can get, believe me."
OOOOOO
An hour later, Lindsay let herself into Danny's apartment using the spare key he'd given her as they'd parted company earlier that morning.
Her eyes had welled up at the gesture, and she'd felt immediately guilty about being unable to return the compliment. "I need to ask Stella," she'd told him.
Danny had nodded in understanding. "Of course you do, don't worry about it," he'd said as he'd stooped to kiss her goodbye.
"Are we staying at Daddy's tonight?" Lucy asked as she followed her mother into the empty apartment.
"No, sweetie, not tonight," Lindsay told her. "We just had to stop by to drop off Daddy's car keys for him."
"Why?"
"Because he might need them later," Lindsay explained. "And we have our own car at home if we need one."
"So why did you come and get me in Daddy's car then?" Lucy enquired.
"And here's me thinking we were past the 'why?' stage," Lindsay muttered under her breath before lifting her voice to answer her daughter's question. "Because Mommy stayed with Daddy last night so it was easier to borrow his car than go all the way home to get ours."
"So are me an' you going to ride the subway home?" Lucy asked her.
Lindsay nodded. "Yes, but I thought we'd go to Central Park for a little while first. Would you like that?"
Lucy beamed at the prospect. "Yes pease, Mommy!" she said eagerly. "Can we have hot chocolate and marshmallows at a coffee shop too?"
Lindsay pursed her lips in contemplation. "You just had a cookie at Nonna's."
"But I'll eat all my dinner up, I promise," Lucy assured her earnestly. She clasped her hands together and bounced on her sneaker-clad feet. "Pease Mommy. Pease!"
"All your dinner, huh?" Lindsay said. "Even the vegetables?"
Lucy hesitated. "They won't be boc-lee?" she asked, a little frown line marring her otherwise baby-smooth forehead.
Lindsay had to bite back a laugh. How was a mother supposed to remain poker-faced against such adorable charm? "No," she said solemnly, "No broccoli, but I expect you to eat everything else."
Lucy nodded. "Okay," she agreed.
"And I think you and I should share the hot chocolate too," Lindsay added.
"But…" Lucy started and then stopped when she spotted her mother's pointedly raised eyebrow. "I guess that's okay," she decided.
Lindsay did laugh then. "Oh 'you guess' do you?" she said, swooping down to tickle the little girl in the ribs.
Lucy squealed and tried to twist out her grasp. "No Mommy, no tickles, no tickles!"
"No tickles, huh?" Lindsay said, swinging the squirming little girl up into her arms. "How about kisses then?" she said, buzzing her lips against the soft skin of her daughter's neck. "Big, fat sloppy kisses!"
Lucy giggled, but nevertheless lifted her face and puckered up her lips for said kisses.
"I love you, baby girl," Lindsay declared as she planted a huge smacker on those cute little bowed lips.
Lucy cuddled in close, tightening her arms around her mother's neck. "I 'uv you too, Mommy," she returned.
"To the moon and back?" Lindsay enquired as she stroked a gentle hand over her daughter's silky hair.
"To the end of the ooniverse and back!" Lucy said, completing the familiar ritual.
"Well, that's all right then," Lindsay concluded, turning her head and pressing another kiss into her little girl's hair as she held her close. How had she ever thought her life was complete without her?
"Come on then," she said, forcibly extracting herself from the addictive embrace and setting her daughter back down on her feet. "We'd better get going or we won't get much time at Central Park."
Lucy slipped her little hand into hers as they headed out the door. "I like it when we have 'Mommy and Me' time," she asserted.
Lindsay's heart swelled at this freely given and honestly expressed sentiment. "Me too, baby," she said, smiling down into her little girl's upturned face. "Me too."
OOOOOO
Central Park, an hour and a half later…
"Mommy! Mommy! Look! Look! Can we ride the go-round? Can we? Pease? Pease?" Jumping up and down in eager anticipation, Lucy pointed excitedly at the old-fashioned carousel like she'd never seen one before in her life.
"I thought you wanted hot chocolate and marshmallows?" Lindsay said. "We only have time for one so you need to make a choice. The carousel or the coffee shop - what's it to be?"
It was a definite dilemma, but it didn't take long to make a decision. Faced with the thrilling reality right in front of her eyes, Lucy, like any other small child of her age, went with the impulse rather than weighing up the pros and cons and making a well-considered decision.
"Can I give the go-round man the dollar?" she asked as she towed her mother towards the small queue waiting to ride. "And hold the ticket too?"
Lindsay laughed. "I think that can be arranged," she said, and then tightened her grip on her daughter's hand to stop her from mowing down everything and everyone in her eagerness to get to the carousel. "Slow down! It's not going anywhere."
"You're going to cause a traffic accident there, little lady," a strongly-accented voice observed from nearby.
"Uncle Bert!" Lucy exclaimed, momentarily distracted by the unexpected interruption. "Hi! Hi! Me and Mommy are going to ride the go-round. Do you want to come too?"
"Ahh," the salt-and-pepper-haired gentleman replied, eyeing the fairground ride with undisguised trepidation. "I don't think my old bones are really up to that anymore," he told the little girl.
"How about I just sit on that bench over there and watch?" he suggested before turning to smile at Lindsay in greeting. "Well, hello brown eyes – long time no see, huh?"
"Bert," Lindsay stood on her tip-toes to embrace the ruddy-faced pensioner. "How are you doing?"
"I think advancing age is finally taking its toll at long last," Bert replied drolly, "But I can't complain, I suppose."
Lindsay laughed, knowing he was only jesting. "It's good to see you," she said warmly.
Bert nodded. "You too," he returned as he eyed her speculatively. "So Danny tells me the two of you have decided to give your marriage another go…" he continued.
Lindsay's eyes widened. "He did?"
"Shouldn't he have done?" Bert enquired with a quizzical look.
"No, no, it's just…" Lindsay broke off, realising that she shouldn't really be surprised. Of course Danny would have confided in Bert. The two shared an unbreakable bond, one forged in the worst of circumstances, but guaranteed to last a lifetime because of that.
"We're just seeing how things go for now," she said.
"Well, how ever much he tried to deny it, he was never truly happy without you, you know," Bert claimed. "As I told Danny - you find the one, you hold on tight and you never let go, no matter what."
"So Rachel didn't make the grade then, huh?" Lindsay enquired; her tone light even if the emotions behind the query were still red raw.
Bert's eyes narrowed. "Curiosity killed the cat, girl," he admonished, but then reached out to cup her face in his roughened palm. "Don't you worry about that," he said gruffly. "The boy's got brains in his head, even if he doesn't always use 'em. You were always the one – knew it the first day I met ya. Told him so too."
Lindsay laughed even as she wanted to cry. "I can just imagine his response to that."
"Told me to stop goofin' around as I recall, but he didn't really mean it. First and only girl he ever brought to meet me formally, you were – gotta count for something that."
Lindsay smiled. "I guess it does," she agreed and then frowned as suspicion began to dawn. "You've got to have met some of his other girlfriends before me, you old rogue," she accused.
"Sure I did," Bert admitted easily, "But there's a difference between a chance meeting and a deliberate introduction, isn't there?"
Lindsay brushed a distracted hand through her hair. "The only one?" she asked a little incredulously. "Truly?"
"Truly," Bert confirmed with nod.
"But…"
"But what?"
"Nothing, it's just… it was before…" She trailed off with a shrug.
"Sometimes the heart knows what the head isn't ready to acknowledge," Bert told her wisely.
Could that really be true? Lindsay thought to herself a few minutes later as she rode the carousel with her daughter sitting astride the painted horse in front of her. Bert sat on the sidelines as promised, waving indulgently every time an excited Lucy called out to him.
Had Danny really singled her out as different right from the beginning? She struggled to believe that, but somewhere deep inside she could accept the possibility. Whether that meant as much as Bert was claiming it did, well she'd probably never know, would she?
Danny had been nervous when he'd taken her to meet Bert; that much was true. He'd wanted the older man to like her. It mattered that he liked her. Her mind rewound to six and a half years earlier as she recalled the introduction to which Bert had previously alluded…
"Umm, there's somewhere I want to stop off before we head to the game," Danny said.
"Oh?" Lindsay replied absently as they descended the steps into the subway.
"Yeah – err… I wanted to drop in on a good friend of mine – Bert. He's umm… well, it's kind of a long story how we met. Anyway, he's been ill with flu recently so I wanted to check up on him… and… and he's been asking to meet you too."
"Meet me?" Lindsay teased, her eyes dancing merrily. "Why aren't you running for the hills? Doesn't that make me a bit too much like your 'official' girlfriend?" She crooked her fingers into quote marks.
"You are my official girlfriend," Danny replied a little defensively.
"Oh and here's me thinking I was just the woman you had rampant sex with."
He crossed his eyes at her. "You're not funny, you know."
Lindsay giggled. "And you're cute when you're sulking."
Danny ignored that. "So, will you come?" he demanded somewhat impatiently.
"Sure, why not?" She grinned. "Do you think he'll approve?"
"I hope so."
That caught her attention. "Does it matter?" she asked.
Danny scoffed. "Nah! But he's a good friend so I wouldn't want it to be awkward between the two of you."
Lindsay nodded. "I see."
"You see what?"
"You want him to like me." A wide smile was tugging at the corners of her lips.
"And what's wrong with that?" Danny huffed.
"Nothing, it's just… unexpected." She snared him around the waist and stood on her tip-toes to nibble seductively at his bottom lip. "I think I like it."
"And I think you drive me crazy," Danny told her before he cupped the back of her head in his hand and brought her mouth more fully against his…
Although it had made her feel good, Lindsay hadn't placed any major significance on Danny taking her to meet Bert at the time. It had just seemed like a normal everyday occurrence to her. They were seeing each other exclusively so it was natural that he'd want her to meet his friends at some point.
Learning the truth about how Bert and Danny had first become acquainted however - now that had had a much more profound effect on her. But that was another story; one that belonged to another time and another place. It was a fateful meeting that had marked a significant moment in Danny's life, and a poignant revelation that had marked a major turning point in their own relationship too…
"Mommy?"
Lucy's questioning voice interrupted Lindsay's reverie then, and she shook off her internal musings to focus her attention on her daughter instead. "Yes sweetie?"
"Can we see if Uncle Bert wants to come home for dinner wiv us?" the little girl asked, twisting in her seat to look back at her mother as she spoke.
"Don't let go," Lindsay warned, quickly closing her hands around her daughter's to hold her in place and prevent any mishaps.
"That's a really nice thought, honey," she went on, "But maybe not today, okay? Tonight's not the best timing and we have to ask Stella if it's all right first too."
"Tell you what," she continued when Lucy's face fell. "How about we invite him round on a day when Daddy doesn't have to be at work? Then you and I can cook them both an extra special dinner of all their favourite things."
Lucy's expression immediately brightened at this suggestion. "Daddy likes Mommy's Key Lime Pie the best," she said. "He says it's his favourite dessert ever."
"He does?" Lindsay asked in some astonishment. It wasn't that she didn't know that Danny liked her cooking, but she was surprised that their daughter was so aware of it. "When did he tell you that?"
"When we went out to lunch for Uncle Flack's birfday," Lucy explained. "Uncle Flack ordered some, but Daddy had cherry cheesecake instead 'cus he said there ain't no better Key Lime Pie than Montana's."
She looked back over her shoulder at her mother again. "That's you," she said.
Lindsay laughed. "Yeah, that's me," she agreed.
"Why Daddy call you that?" her daughter asked curiously.
Lindsay smiled. Hmm… how to explain the inner workings of an adult male mind to an innocent four year old? "I don't know, I guess you'll have to ask your Daddy why," she said, feeling no compunction about dumping the responsibility for this one at Danny's door. He'd brought it on himself as far as she was concerned.
"Did he really say that though?" she couldn't help but double-check. Flack's birthday had been months ago now, way before there was even a hint of her and Danny getting back together, not to mention when his relationship with Rachel had been at its peak.
Lucy nodded. "Uncle Flack said he better not let Rachel hear him say so, but I don't see why not."
"Maybe he thought Rachel might be upset," Lindsay suggested.
"Why?" her daughter inevitably asked.
"Well, because Rachel was Daddy's girlfriend at the time..."
"And she wanted Daddy to think she was the best-ist at everything?" Lucy deduced.
Lindsay inclined her head. "Something like that, yes."
"Grown-ups are weird," Lucy decided.
Lindsay laughed. "Yeah, I guess we are sometimes," she admitted. "That's why you should never grow up. Daddy would definitely prefer it if you stayed his little girl forever that's for sure," she said as she pressed a loving kiss to the top of her daughter's honey-blonde head.
An hour later and Lucy's seemingly boundless energy was finally beginning to flag. On the subway home, Lindsay was immensely grateful when a business man in a pin-striped suit gave up his seat to let them sit down. Lucy had been whining about being picked up, but she was getting too heavy for Lindsay to be carrying her around like a toddler all the time.
Sitting down, she drew her daughter into her lap instead. Content now, Lucy nestled her head into the soft swell of her mother's breasts and stuck her thumb in her mouth. A feeling of overwhelming love consumed Lindsay as her daughter snuggled into her, but this was accompanied by a sharp pang of regret as well. When she'd been pregnant, she'd had no idea of the profound effect the tiny person growing inside of her would have on her priorities in life. Before, her career was the most important thing to her. Now… well, her job still mattered, but it was moments like this that gave her the greatest sense of personal fulfilment.
And there just weren't enough of them. She loved her job, but she wanted more afternoons like this. Afternoons that were purely set aside for 'Mommy and Me' time and nothing else. No household chores to see to, no calls from the Crime Lab to answer, just her and her little girl doing whatever made them happy and simply enjoying each other's company for the precious gift that it was. They were few and far between nowadays and Lindsay knew that her illness had made her a little too accepting of the situation over the past few months. If she structured her days better, she could make more time for her daughter, it would just take some careful planning that's all.
In the past, she'd been fanatical about using the maintenance money that Danny gave her for Lucy's personal needs only, but she could see now that she'd been overly strict about that. Using some of it to prop up her other household expenses so that she didn't have to work quite so many shifts wasn't an abuse of his financial support like she'd initially believed. It indirectly benefited her daughter because she would have her Mommy around more often and that could only be a good thing. Their regular babysitter, Shelley was great and Lucy loved her to pieces, but it wasn't the same.
Lindsay had been so determined to prove to Danny and everyone else that she could cope alone that she had ended up inadvertently sacrificing some of her valuable time with her daughter as a result. Well, no more, she decided. From tomorrow, things would change. Lucy would get more of the 'Mommy and Me' time she liked so much, because her Mom would do everything in her power to make it so.
She was lucky that she was financially stable enough to be able to make that choice. For many mothers it wouldn't even be an option. She was doing them - and herself - a great disservice by allowing her pride to get in the way of that. Of course now that she and Danny were no longer estranged, it made it a whole lot easier for her to swallow her pride and accept his financial help. Still, better later than never she figured.
Lucy shifted in her lap then and she glanced down at the little girl in her arms as the subway car rattled through the underground tunnels to its next scheduled destination. Yes, she decided as she pressed another kiss into her daughter's hair and gathered her close. As was the case with most things in life, it was surely better later than never…
To be continued…
A/N2: I know – I'm being annoyingly evasive about Bert and his connection to Danny. The small, but significant part he has to play in this story will come to light in later chapters, but I thought it was about time for an introduction. It was also an opportune moment for him to help Lindsay come to terms with a few things.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the latest instalment of this mammoth epic I seem to be writing. I never really intended for it to be this long, but it keeps getting away from me. There have been quite a few unexpected detours along the way, but I think we'll eventually reach the ending that I've had planned out all along at some point!
Anyway, till next time then… CharmedBec x