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Teddy looks at me blankly. "What?" he demands loudly. I lunge forward and cover his mouth with my hand, pinning him to my bed and muffling the rest of his sounds of disbelief.
"Shut up!" I hiss, my face dangerously hovering inches above his. "If you tell him, I'll kill you!" I glance at the door, making sure no one's listening. Slowly, I take my hand from Teddy's face.
"Sorry, but that's just….whoa. Hid dad was a-"
"Yes, and you absolutely cannot tell anyone else! Got it?" Teddy nods.
"I won't. I swear. But, how do you know?" He questions, narrowing his eyes at me.
"Dad knows his dad. You know how things like that go," I answer.
"So, you're not going to tell him?" I shake my head vehemently.
"Hell, no! And you aren't either," I remind Teddy. He shrugs.
"Fine, but you sure are keeping a lot of secrets from him." The door to Teddy's room opens, and Holden walks in. I feel a blush creep onto my face, realizing that I'm practically on top of my cousin. Holden looks absolutely mortified.
"What did I just interrupt?" He questions, glancing between Teddy and me and frowning. I glare at Teddy a moment, silently reminding him not to say anything about what I just told him.
"Nothing," I answer quickly, getting off of Teddy.
"Yeah, we were just talking," Teddy adds sheepishly.
"Seems like a strange position to hold a conversation in… what were you talking about?" Holden still gives Teddy and I odd looks. Of course, we can't explain anything without explaining everything, which simply isn't an option.
"Stuff," Teddy and I say in unison. We're terrible liars when put on the spot. Holden wrinkles his eyebrows.
"It's something I can't know about?" He questions.
"Well… it's just rather boring, you wouldn't want to hear it," I tell Holden, hoping he'll get the hint and just come off it.
"Actually, I would," Holden says, setting me with a steely gaze. "You know you don't bore me, Belle." I take a deep breath.
"Well, you can't," Teddy says back shortly. Holden glares at him, and I have a feeling that this isn't going to end well. Perhaps I should have kept my mouth shut.
"And bloody why not?" Holden demands, seeming a bit annoyed. Part of me just wants to blurt it out to Holden because he deserves to know, but I know that it can't come from me. Besides, will he even believe me if I tell him?
I sigh. "If you must know, Teddy and I are discussing something secret for Mum's birthday," I lie. Holden doesn't look like he believes me one bit.
"I'm not an idiot," he reminds me. I give Teddy a meaningful look.
"Could you give us just a moment?" I ask. Teddy nods, his eyes wide. I gesture for Holden to follow me out of the room. I shut the door behind us.
"What is it?" Holden asks.
"Look, it's just that some things have been going on, and I really need someone to talk to about them," I say slowly, hoping not to offend Holden.
"You can't talk to me?" He asks, searching my face for an answer. I purse my lips.
"It isn't like that. It's difficult to explain, but I would if I could. You know that," I promise Holden. He looks like he doesn't fully believe me. He won't look at me. "Holden."
"What?" He asks. I can tell that he's hurt that I don't want to open up to him. What he doesn't know is that I don't want to, but I can't. I take a deep breath. If I can't tell him what I really want to know, maybe he at least deserves to know something.
"About two weeks ago, I tried to kill myself," I confess, before I have the urge to take it back. Holden looks at me for a while, with absolutely no expression on his face. "And I was telling Teddy not to say anything to you."
"You didn't…" he mutters at last. I nod.
"That's what Teddy and I were talking about." My chest feels constricted, because I can't believe I just said this out loud. I suppose, though, that I had to sacrifice one secret for another.
"That isn't funny."
"It isn't made to be funny. I'm being serious," I promise Holden. He turns away from me.
"Why would you do something like that?"
"Because things got to be too much. I wasn't thinking rationally, and it seemed like the way out at the time," I explain . "I suppose you're going to think of me differently now, aren't you?" When Holden doesn't answer me, I reach out and try to take his hand. He doesn't respond to my touch.
"I… I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? No one else treated me any different, why would you?" I ask. Part of me regrets ever saying anything. Yet, really how good is Holden if he can't accept this about me?
"Look, Belle, that's just a lot to think about. You can't expect me to-"
"I can't expect you to what? Accept that about me? You know, I'm sure one day I'm going to find out something about you that's hard to accept, but I won't allow myself to look at you any different because of it!" Little does Holden know, that day's already come and passed, and yet I still feel the same away about him as I did before.
"I didn't say that I didn't accept it," Holden tells me.
"You didn't have to say it," I inform Holden. I can see his thoughts clearly in his actions. "You won't even look at me. What happened to you being fine with all my problems? Was that just something you said?" Holden shakes his head.
"No, I meant it."
"Yes, you meant it, alright. You meant it until you knew what exactly you were dealing with! Teddy told me I should have said something to you about it earlier. But I knew you weren't going to take it well. I knew it."
"Then why did you tell me?" Holden questions.
"Because you asked me to! I thought that I should at least give you a chance," I explain. "But obviously, my efforts have gone to waste. Maybe you don't love me as much as you thought you did."
"You can't say that! You can't just tell me something like that and expect me to say 'Oh, you poor thing' and move on with my life! Maybe you don't get how big something like that is!" Holden argues back, turning to look at me. I don't see anger in his eyes. Instead, I see hurt. "How could you be so stupid, Belle?"
"I'm not stupid! Don't call me that!" I shout. Holden nods his head vehemently.
"You are stupid if you don't realize how much I would have missed you if you were gone! You're even more stupid if you don't realize that I'm only upset because I love you!" Holden tells me. I feel my back pressed against the door, and Holden slowly getting closer to me.
"Don't…" I mutter, shaking my head. "Don't try to turn this around and make me seem as if I'm the one who's mad for being upset."
"I'm not. I'm being serious. I promise."
"I believe you. Just, back up, please," I say quietly. I'm confused by Holden. I don't know whether or not he was supposed to be upset, or if I was the one who blew things out of proportion.
"Belle?" Holden asks questioningly. "What's wrong?"
"Look, Holden. I'm going to tell you this once. If you don't think you can accept all of who I am, then go. I don't need any more people walking out on me than I've already had. If this isn't what you want, you don't have to deal with it. But I'm giving you the chance now. Please take it," I sigh. Holden tilts his head to the side, looking at me odd. "Why are you looking at me like that?" I demand.
"I'm just deciding something," Holden answers, still studying my face.
"Deciding what?" I ask hesitantly, positive I'm about to hear bad news.
"What I'd want to remember most if I knew it was my last time seeing you," Holden answers. "I don't know if it would be your eyes, your smile, or your expression. Maybe that, because it encompasses all three," Holden decides. I keep reminding myself not to be flattered by this at all. No, I'm upset with Holden. I won't let his words get to me.
"My expression?" I ask, cursing myself when I sound even slightly interested. Holden nods.
"Like the way you're looking at me know, with that fire in your eyes. I love that about you. It would kill me if it ever went out."
"How awfully poetic of you," I mumble, my jaw clenched.
"Look, I'm sorry. It's just… something like that's really hard to hear," Holden apologizes. I want to be angry with him, but that stupid puppy-dog look of his is making it too difficult. I see he's been taking lessons from Hugo.
"It's even harder living it," I assure Holden, looking away. Why am I so angry with him?
"You make it look easy. Belle, I couldn't imagine going through even half of what you do. I know it's got to be difficult finding out all these new things about your family and yourself. I know if I found out something bad about my parents that they never told me, I'd be really upset, too," Holden tells me. I feel my mouth come into a smirk at hearing the irony of that statement. I feel bad, though, because I know Holden's trust trying to make things right with me. I never thought I'd be in a situation where I felt sorry for Holden, rather than him always feeling sorry for me.
"It is difficult," I agree quietly. "Very difficult. But having people you trust makes it a lot better." Holden steps forward and pulls me close to him in a hug.
"Well, I'm glad I'm one of those people," Holden whispers, kissing the top of my head. "We should probably get back to Teddy." I shake my head, burying myself closer to Holden.
"He'll be alright. Just hold me awhile."
"Do you want to play with me?" Scorpius questions I nod. I suppose some childish leisure will calm me down a bit. I've been a mess of nerves all day. Astoria's hearing is in a little over an hour. I suppose today I'll get to find out just how unlucky I am. Mum agreed to stay with us, since Rose and Hugo are at their grandmother's for the day.
"Just to let you know, I'm probably as bad at quidditch figurines as I am at quidditch in real life," I inform Scorpius. Scorpius shrugs.
"That's okay. Then I can beat you easier," Scorpius says happily. Ah, spoken like a true Malfoy. "You can be the Tornadoes. I'm always the Falcons."
Scorpius and I play for a while, and my saying that I'm bad at quidditch was probably the understatement of the year compared to these figurines. Scorpius is kicking my arse. Randomly, Scorpius set down one of his toys and looks at me.
"Ithbelle, I'm gonna miss you if I go away," Scorpius tells me. I frown in confusion. If he goes away?
"What are you talking about?"
"When I went over to Gramma and Grampa's two days ago, they said that I could maybe live with them for forever. I want to, because they said I can still see you and Daddy a lot. And Gramma and Grampa are really fun and they never argue or yell at me like Daddy does," Scorpius explains. How could my grandparents think of something so evil? Never mind that, I'm sure it's second nature to them.
"Maybe that's true, but I'm going to go terribly insane without you with me every single day," I tell Scorpius, trying to dissuade him from that stupid notion that he's ever going to grow up anywhere other than Malfoy Manor.
"We can Floo," Scorpius suggests. "The Floo is fun!"
"Well, yes I suppose you could Floo me. But do you think Dad's going to come over every night just to read your bedtime stories? Or what about when you get scared in the middle of the night? I don't think that Grandmother and Grandfather will let you sleep in their bed like I let you sleep in mine? Do you think so?" Scorpius presses his finger to his chin, his eyes rolling up to the ceiling in thought.
"Maybe not. I'll have to be a big boy and not get scared," he resolves.
"You can't always control your dreams, Scorp. And what about things like this? What if you want someone to play toys with you? Or fly brooms? Grandfather's always busy with work stuff, and I'm sure Grandmother doesn't know the difference between a quaffle and a bludger," I point out. Scorpius crosses his arms as if this could pose quite a problem. Nothing, and I mean nothing, shall interfere with his quidditch.
"But, I like flying brooms," Scorpius protests. I shrug nonchalantly.
"Well, I suppose you'll have to start liking something else. And making new friends. You won't be able to play with Rose or Hugo anymore. Or see Miss Hermione." Scorpius' eyes widen in horror.
"I won't?" I shake my head.
"Nope. But you'll forget about them soon enough," I assure him.
"But I don't want to forget them," Scorpius whines, his lip trembling.
"Tough. Because that's exactly what's going to happen if you go away to live with Grandmother and Grandfather," I tell Scorpius. I know it's a bit cruel to traumatize Scorpius like this, but I wouldn't be a good sister if I didn't.
"Then I don't want to live with Gramma and Grampa!" Scorpius says with finality. I make a shocked expression.
"You don't? But you have to go, Scorpius. I was already planning on using your bedroom as an extra closet. Merlin knows I could use some extra space for all of my robes. And my shoes, they're getting a bit crowded as well. And look at your room, it's absolutely perfect. Loads of space, nice windows so that all my clothes can be aired out…"
"You can't have my room!" Scorpius snaps, glaring at me.
"Why not? You won't need it. I'm sure Grandmother and Grandfather have an even lovelier room picked out for you."
"I want this one!" Scorpius wails. "Ithbelle, stop it!"
"Stop what? Do you think I should have this room painted purple as well? Oh, what does your opinion matter? You won't even be around to see it," I remind myself. Scorpius' eyes begin to well up with tears. He gets up and runs out of his bedroom.
"DADDY!" He shouts at the top of his lungs. "DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!"
"Draco, I believe Scorpius needs you," Mum calls from the hallway, coming to see what all the ruckus is about. Dad comes out of his bedroom adjusting his tie, looking down at Scorpius with quite an impatient look on his face.
"What is it, Scorpius?" Dad asks as Scorpius runs forward to cling to his leg.
"Don't let Ithbelle take my room!" He cries. "I wanna keep my room!" Dad looks up at me, a bewildered look on his face. I don't know what to say, so I shrug back and decide that it may be best for Scorpius to tell the story.
"Why would Isobelle take your room?" Dad questions.
"Because I wanted to leave here so I could live with Gramma and Grampa, except they won't play brooms with me if I live there and you can't read me stories and Ithbelle won't be there if I get scared at night! And now Ithbelle wants to take my room and put all her robes and shoes in it!" Dad awkwardly pats the top of Scorpius' head to console him.
"Why would you think that you were going to live with your grandparents?" he asks.
"Because when you and Ithbelle and Miss Haminey went to Holden's house, Gramma told me that I should live with her and Grampa so they could teach me to be good and not be bad like Ithbelle!" Scorpius tells Dad. Of course, I can imagine Grandmother telling Scorpius something like that. Something about how she wants the chance to 'raise him the way a good little pureblood boy should be raised'. Dad's shoulders tense, and Mum's expression turns pensive.
"You're staying here, Scorpius," Dad says firmly, leaving no room for argument. "Isobelle isn't going to take your bedroom. Scorpius breathes a little sigh of relief.
"Kay, good. But I don't wanna hurt Gramma and Grampa's feelings when I tell them I don't wanna live there. Can you tell them for me please?" Scorpius looks up Dad with that pleading face of his. Dad nods.
"Yes, I'll have a talk with them on the matter," Dad promises Scorpius. "Now run along, please, or I'm going to be late." I'm sure Dad's got some other things he'd like to say to Grandmother and Grandfather as well. I know that I do.
I lumber down the hallway of the Manor and throw open the door of the nearest bathroom. I kneel down in front of the toilet and vomit. I can't focus on anything else, other than the tears stinging at the backs of my eyes, and my face looming over the toilet bowl. Mum looks at me sympathetically from the doorway.
"Isobelle, this has been going on for an hour now. You can't possibly have anything left in your stomach," she sighs. I can't stop. I feel terribly sick, worse than the week I caught the stomach flu when I was eight. It's as if my stomach is trying to expel all of its contents, and I wish my mind would do the same. I can hear Dad down the hall, slamming things and cursing, and then a loud crash. Glass shatters.
I take a deep breath, hoping that I'm finally done throwing up. I stay kneeled over the toilet for a while just to make sure, and it looks like Mum is right. There really probably isn't anything else in my stomach. Mum hands me a glass of water. I use it to rinse my mouth.
"Daddy?" I can hear Scorpius' tiny voice in the living room.
"Scorpius, get out of here. There's glass on the floor," Dad barks harshly.
"But… Daddy…" Scorpius whimpers.
"Now, Scorpius!" I hear Scorpius' light footsteps coming back down the hallway.
"Miss Haminey?" Scorpius' voice sounds full of rejection, because he can't yet grasp the concept that most of the time, Dad really isn't angry at him. "What's wrong with Ithbelle?" he asks with a tinge of concer.
"No, please don't come in here. Isobelle's feeling a bit ill, Scorpius. How about you go upstairs and play with your toys for a short while, okay?" Mum suggests gently. Surprisingly, I don't hear Scorpius argue. His footsteps disappear.
"Are you feeling better?" Mum asks quietly. I shake my head. I won't ever feel any better about this. "Isobelle, I'm not talking about that."
"Y-yes," I croak, raising slowly, standing up shakily. The uneasy feeling is still in my gut, and I feel a bit dizzy. My head hurts. Better yet, I feel like my entire world is collapsing before me. I've never been laid with such terrible news in my entire life. Mum gives me one last look before turning and leaving the bathroom. She must figure that I'm no longer look as if I'm about die, so she can leave me to myself.
I hear voices from the hallway, speaking quietly and urgently. I put my hand on the wall to stabilize myself, and then walk slowly down the hallway until I'm peeking into the door frame of the living room. The living room looks like a war zone, or as if it's been ruined by quite a large tornado. Vases are shattered on the floor, and the table has a long crack in the middle. Dad is sitting on the far side of the room, his cloak strewn across the floor, and his shoulders are hunched and his head is in his hands. I've never seen him look so broken or defeated in my life. Not even in these past few months.
"Draco," Mum says quietly, yet she has a firm undertone to her voice. "Draco, you can't beat yourself up about this."
"It's my fault," Dad persists quietly, in a guilty tone. "If I wasn't so damn blind, if I had actually listened to Isobelle… things wouldn't have ended like this." Mum shakes her head slowly.
"You don't know what would have happened. No one does. We only know the results of the choices we did make, and we aren't ever going to know otherwise. I'm sure if you asked Blaise, he would tell you the same. He did the best he could."
"I know that," Dad snaps bitingly. "What you're failing to realize is that my bloody ex-wife is out of Azkaban, and you know as well as I do that she shouldn't be! It appears that that detail's seemed to have slipped your mind!" Mum glares at Dad, and I can tell she's trying her best to keep calm with him, no matter how angry his is. It's proving to be quite a feat, seeing as Dad has a terrible temper.
"You know I didn't forget about that. You also knew that there was a possibility of it happening. But you don't have anything to worry about. Measures are being taken. Astoria won't be able to get near you, or Isobelle, or Scorpius. It'll be simply impossible," Mum reminds him. Who cares about bloody measures? Does Mum really think that's what we're worried about? It's the principle of the matter!
"That isn't the point. The verdict was unfair, it shouldn't have happened this way. And my own parents, Hermione? They're still punishing me for Isobelle, I just know it." Mum sticks her fists on her hips.
"I can't believe you, Draco!" She hisses. Dad furrows his eyebrows and glares at Mum.
"What's not to believe, Hermione?" He demands, his eyes boring into hers. Mum doesn't look as if she's going to back down. If anyone knows how to argue with Dad, it's her.
"Your behavior! You come home destroying your own furniture and breaking things and stomping about as if your life couldn't get any worse!" she half-shouts.
"My apologies, I wasn't aware that it could!" Dad yells, rising to his feet. Mum and Dad have done so well not to argue with each other in the past couple weeks, but I suppose they can only take so much stress, and our lives are full of it.
"Of course, your life could get worse! How dare you be so ungrateful as to question something like that?" Mum shrieks, waving her hands madly about.
"You don't know the half of what I went through these past years, and most of it was because of you! Hermione, you have no idea what it feels like to have to do things by yourself! You never have!" Dad shouts. Mum glowers at Dad, and I can't tell if she's hurt, angry, or both.
"Are you really that oblivious to everything? You don't even realize how lucky you are! You aren't by yourself! You have two children who love you and look up to you more than anything! You have… me!" I can tell by Mum's expression that she didn't mean to blurt out the last bit, but part of me is glad she did say it.
Before I can even process what's happening, Dad pulls Mum close to him and kisses her like there won't be a tomorrow. It's one of the most romantic things I've seen, like something out of a muggle film. I can see the confused expression on Mum's face and the desperate one on Dad's. I never realized it before, but not only do Mum and Dad have feelings for each other, they also need each other. Mum needs Dad to challenge her, to make her think about things and realize that there are more ways to solve a problem than her way. And Dad needs Mum to realize that there is some sort of forgiveness in the world, and to keep him going. I think I need her for those reasons, too.
"I don't know when, but I want you to marry me," Dad whispers, his face close to Mum's. I suppose it was bound to happen at one point or another, but I never really thought about Mum and Dad marrying. It sort of seemed like, although they live in different houses, Mum and Dad already were a married couple. Hell knows they fight like one.
"Now, that isn't a proper proposal," Mum chides, giving Dad a playful smile that I've never seen before.
"You'll have one. You'll have everything. I'm not letting you get away from me again," Dad says fiercely. Mum purses her lips.
"You don't have to give me everything, Draco. Just show me that you love me. Show my children that you love them, too." Dad nods.
"I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise," he promises her. Mum takes Dad's hand in hers and gives him a serious look.
"You couldn't be more different than the boy I knew in school," she tells Dad quietly. I know that Dad is grateful to hear that, because he's told me on numerous occasions how much he disliked how he was as a child.
"Hermione, you don't know how much that means to me," Dad admits, looking at Mum sheepishly. "I wasn't the person I tried to be." Mum nods understandingly.
"I know. I hated you, Draco, but I pitied you as well. You were trapped into your ignorance about people who weren't like you and perhaps if you weren't, you would have made better friends, and better choices. But at the same time, I feel like I can understand you." Dad wrinkles his eyebrows.
"You do?" He asks, looking surprised. Mum nods solemnly.
"You were trying to protect your family. I saw it in the way you were then, and I see it in how you are now. You know, showing others that you care about someone doesn't make you weak. It actually shows that your feelings for them are quite strong," she informs Dad. He gives Mum such a faint, pained smile.
"I love you, Hermione." Mum leans forward to kiss Dad again, and I decide to give the pair of them some privacy. Maybe I should go see what Scorpius is doing.
I find Scorpius upstairs, sitting in his room. He has a very sad, distracted look about him that no one should ever see on the face of a child that young. I sit on the edge of his bed. He doesn't even acknowledge me.
"Scorpius," I say quietly. "Dad isn't upset with you." Scorpius sets down his quidditch figurines and turns to look at me. He's been crying. It angers me to an extent that Dad takes his frustration out on Scorpius, especially when he's too young to understand.
"Yeah, he is, Ithbelle," Scorpius protests.
"He isn't. Come here." Scorpius climbs on the edge of the bed, and I put my arms around him, pulling him close. When Dad was this young and impressionable, did Grandmother and Grandfather hug him like this? Did Grandfather yell at Dad the way Dad yells at Scorpius? Will Scorpius grow up to be bitter and resentful, because he could never understand why he felt like his father was always angry with him?
"Dad isn't upset with you, Scor. But some other things are going on now, and they're putting Dad on edge. They aren't your fault," I assure him. Scorpius looks at me sadly.
"Like Mummy?" He questions. Even though we're so close to one another, I can barely hear him.
"What about Mum? She's not upset either. She and Dad are downstairs talking right now." Scorpius shakes his head.
"Not Miss Haminey! Mummy, my real mummy!" Scorpius looks at me as if I'm the biggest idiot on the planet. I didn't even realize that he meant Astoria.
"What about her?" I ask, wanting to kick myself after I hear how harsh my tone is.
"What did Mummy do? Daddy is mad and he kept saying her name a lot," Scorpius tells me. I don't know how to explain things to him, because it really isn't my place to tell Scorpius what kind of person his mother truly is.
"Astoria and Dad aren't getting along anymore. Sometimes, that happens to adults. They fight a lot, and they decide that it's better to just separate so they don't argue as much," I tell Scorpius, Well, that is the truth to some degree.
"But Daddy still seems mad about Mummy," Scorpius points out, looking at me skeptically.
"Well, sometimes it takes quite a while to move on from these kinds of things," I say. "But Dad will get happy again, you'll see."
"Will Mummy get happy again?" Scorpius asks. I shrug. I hate it that after how horrible Astoria was to Scorpius, he still thinks about her well-being. Astoria doesn't deserve that much.
"I don't know. But how about we don't worry about that? Besides, I have a feeling that you're going to have a new Mummy in the near future." Scorpius looks at me with his slate eyes full of curiosity.
"Really? Who?"
"Come on, think about it." Scorpius purses his little lips in thought.
"Miss Haminey is going to be my new mummy?" He questions. I nod slowly.
"I think so. Would you like that?"
"Yeah, I would like that a lot because Miss Haminey is very nice, and then Rose and Hugo could be my actual brother and sister!" Scorpius says excitedly, his expression smiling just a little.
"The thing is, you have to keep it a secret, okay? You can't say anything about it until Mum or Dad say something." I warn him.
"Kay, Ithbelle, I promise that I won't say anything at all."
"Do you really promise? Because if I find out that you've told someone…"
"I promise!" Scorpius snaps, an annoyed grin on his face.
"Okay, I'm just making sure." Scorpius leans back against my chest, and his hair tickles my neck.
"Are you happy that you're going to have a new mummy, too?" Scorpius asks after a while. I don't understand what he means for a second, until I think about it. Discounting any sort of genetics or feelings, I suppose that Astoria would be my 'old mother'. And Hermione Granger, my real mother, is still very new to me.
"Yes, I'm happy."
"Okay, good. If you're happy then I'm happy, too," Scorpius decides, quoting Dad. He used to always say that to us when we were younger. He hasn't said it in so long, I'm surprised Scorpius even remembers it. I have a feeling, though, that Dad's going to begin saying it a lot more soon.
(A/N: So, some MAJOR Dramione in that chapter! Lucissa being annoying as usual, and Astoria's out of Azkaban! Apologies for not updating sooner, but I'm so dang busy! So, please leave me a review and let me know what you think still! The last chapter is coming up soon, so any questionsorthingsyou always wondered about, be sure to mention them!)