This chapter has dark themes and an intense break down. You have never seen Cassandra so frightened or angry before, nor have you ever seen her and Shelby's marriage falter or...maybe falter is the wrong word to use, but that is as much spoiling as I'll do.
However, if you have been with us since the beginning, you are aware of the dark themes in this story and are already too attached to these characters, as we are.
Thank you for your support and your reviews, particularly after the last chapter which was hard to write and we know hard to read.
We love these characters so very much and appreciate you hanging with us and them through the good times and darker moments.
We love you all sincerely and thank you so much for continuing to read what our muses write for this beautifully tragic and tragically beautiful universe.
Love always, keeperofwords and Hayley
Chapter 36: Everything is Beautiful at the Ballet
Cassandra woke with a start around six in the morning. Shelby was still sitting in that damned chair, her eyes wide open and staring at the wall across the room. Cass's heart was pounding rapidly and when she felt her forehead her hand came back covered in sweat. She breathed in heavily, deeply, her chest rising and falling at a quick pace.
Sitting up, she leaned her back against the bed frame and pulled her hair up into a sweaty bun with the hair tie that was on her wrist. Silently, she turned her head and saw her little star, curled up into a ball and sleeping. Cass put her hand to Rachel's forehead and caressed her softly, moving her hair out of the way and giving her a slow, loving kiss.
After which she sat back up, crossing her legs and moving the entangled blankets from her clammy body. She locked eyes with her wife, but neither woman said anything to the other.
Cass drew in a slow, deep breath, and then moved to get out of the bed, heading towards the bathroom. She shut and locked the door behind her, taking a long look at herself in the mirror. Very slowly and hesitantly, she took off every article of clothing she had on, after which she stared at her own body. She saw a few scars that Shelby had always claimed "battle scars". To her they just showed her weakness. Her inability to escape sooner than she would have liked, and her inability to save her sister, or even ever make her proud.
"You're a pathetic mess, July." she scoffed at herself. "What the hell are you doing? You don't even know, do you? You can't even figure it out yourself. How do you expect anyone to be able to help you? You're beyond that. You're just...you're pathetic. That's all there is to it."
Rolling her eyes at herself, she ran a hand through her hair to take out the hair tie and turned on the hot water until steam rolled over the top of the shower. She got in and sucked in a breath. It was hot and burning her skin but it also felt good. She tilted her head back and closed her eyes, letting out a frustrated yell through clenched teeth. A yell that Shelby wouldn't hear over the running shower, so she couldn't be worried about it.
But with her eyes closed, more memories came rushing back to her.
"Does this hurt you, Cassandra?" He asked his daughter.
"Daddy, please stop! I'll do better, I promise! I'll be good!"
"You are being good, Cassandra, just continue to do as I say."
"Daddy please!" Cassie let out a shriek as he entered her. "Stop! Please, please just stop! I'll...I'll study harder, I'll be better!"
"This isn't about that, Cassandra. It's just that you're so pretty...and so is your sister..."
She had been 10 at the time. Her breasts were not fully developed in the slightest but that didn't stop him from pinching her there, hard.
She screamed and he wrapped a tight hand around her mouth, growling into her ear. "You will stay silent now, or you will suffer consequence, Cassandra, do I make myself clear?"
Cassie nodded with tears in her eyes and let him continue. What other choice did she have?
Cass came to grips with reality again once she started choking on the water that was spraying down onto her. Sputtering and coughing, she collapsed to the floor of the shower. She reached out and grabbed the curtain with her hand, feeling as if she might throw up. She let out another very deep cough and felt a little better. Leaning her head against the back wall, she took a deep breath and smacked the water off.
Hurriedly, she got out and grabbed a towel before she could start to freeze. She walked back into the bedroom in the towel, dressed without word, and walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs, into her studio where she changed into toe shoes. For "everything was beautiful at the ballet".
She wasn't sure how long she danced for. She didn't stop, she didn't break, she didn't think. All she did was dance. But even that, her absolute favorite thing in the whole world to do, wasn't enough to make her feel anything besides numb. Confused. Distraught. Lonely.
After what seemed like mere moments but what Cass later found out was about an hour and a half, Rachel appeared at the doorway. She was quiet and curious as to what her Mama was doing. Cassandra stopped dancing and took a deep breath, glancing first at Rachel and then out the large window, staring long and hard at the snow covered ground. The snow was too bright, and hurt her eyes. She drew her attention away from it and swept over towards her stereo to shut it off.
Still, she said nothing. And neither did Rachel.
The two just sat there for a moment, searching each other's eyes for some sort of sign of reassurance. Rachel's eyes were wide and vulnerable. Cassandra's were wide and anxious. Neither one found that sign of reassurance they were looking for. They broke eye contact.
Slowly, Rachel turned around and walked back out of the room, looking for what, she couldn't be sure. What she wanted to do was run and hide in the attic. But she wasn't sure that would make her feel any better. She kind of wanted to be around Mama. Mama, whom she knew was feeling similar to how she was right now. Mama, her protector. But right now Mama looked upset. Almost angry.
Rachel heard her Mommy calling her down to breakfast.
Cass went down to breakfast as well, finding her two best friends, wife, and child getting ready to sit down together. Shelby glanced up at Cassie wordlessly, her eyes saying what she knew she wouldn't be able to say out loud. They spoke tearful apologies but Cassandra didn't see any reason for her wife to be apologizing. It's not Shelby's fault that I'm so weak. She looked down at her hands and sat down with the rest of them. Holly tried to make eye contact with Cassandra as well, to no prevail. She pushed her food around her plate and sipped some coffee, in thought.
What the hell is wrong with you, July? She asked herself. That was years ago. Rachel is dealing with recent aftermath. I thought you'd gotten over this. You're better than this…don't let it get to you so much…Rachel needs you right now…Shelby needs you…And you're freaking out Holly and April.
She looked up at her best friends, who both wore serious looks of concern. She looked back down.
Your father will never go anywhere near you again. You repressed this before and you can do it again. Just calm down. You're safe now. You're perfectly safe.
So why don't I feel safe? Why doesn't Rachel feel safe? Isn't she safe now, too?
They have got to stop staring at me like I'm some fragile little flower. It's pissing me off.
Holly was the first to break the awkward silence.
"Do you have plans for the spring musical yet?" she piped up, knowing that once classes were back in full swing Shelby and Cassie would be directing a musical as they did every year.
Shelby was confused for a split second—out of everything she'd expected to hear, that was certainly not it. It pulled her off her current course of thinking, which was exactly what Holly had intended for it to do.
"Um…" Shelby glanced over at Cassie and shook her head. "No, we haven't put any thought into it yet. Have we, Cass?"
So they're just trying to get me to talk. They know as well as I do that my expression can be stoic as all hell…it's always the tone in my voice that gives me away.
Instead of speaking, the blonde merely shook her head.
"What are we supposed to be bringing for New Year's?" April asked, trying once more to truly figure out what was going on in Cassandra's head. "It's coming up really soon and we haven't heard any plans about the party. Will it be a large one this year, like last year?"
The party the year before was intense and extravagant. There was a lot of alcohol, a lot of people, and a lot of sex.
"Probably not…" Shelby thought about it rationally. Rachel wasn't used to a bunch of people being around yet, and they didn't want to push things. Not now, anyways. Not after how things had been going lately. "Maybe just the same people we had at the Christmas Party? I'm not sure yet. We haven't really talked about that either…we've been so busy with everything else…" she trailed off and turned to her wife for confirmation. "What do we want them to bring, baby?" all she really wanted to do was get Cassandra to talk. If she talked, they'd know what sort of mood she was really in. Because Cassandra July's wall would never let her face show what she was truly feeling.
Cass glanced up at Shelby, annoyed at what she, Holly, and April were doing. It'd been a long month, couldn't they just let her be distant for a day? Did she have to face every day with a smile and a positive attitude?
"April and Holly can bring whatever they want, we aren't the boss of them." She finished her coffee and stood to stretch. "Any other questions for me? Would you like me to continue to talk so you know how I'm "really feeling"?" she asked condescendingly, doing quotations with her fingers. Holly gave her a raised eyebrow and pretended to be surprised by what she was saying. Cassandra rolled her eyes. "Oh, please, Hol. I know what the three of you are doing. You act like I haven't been a part of this family for how many years…" she walked out of the kitchen moodily and left her family to brood.
It was Rachel who broke the silence afterwards. "Is Mama mad at me?" she asked quietly, her voice barely audible even though you might hear a pin drop in this solitude.
All eyes turned to her, completely shocked.
"Of course not, sweetie pie." April was the first to answer.
"Then who is she mad at?" Rachel asked, her throat closing up like she was about to cry, although she wasn't entirely sure why.
There was a beat where no one said anything, after which Shelby responded simply and darkly. "Herself."
. . .
"Help." Cassie grumbled to herself, bouncing a tennis ball hard on the ground as it ricocheted against the back wall of the studio and made its way forcefully back towards her. "I don't need any fucking help. I don't need them to fix me, I can fix myself. I can, I can, I can…"
She continued to slam the ball against the ground. Harder and harder each time. She'd locked herself in the studio, trying to find some sort of isolation. She didn't want to go off at Shelby but everything everyone said right now was driving her over the edge with anger.
"That FUCKING man is a disgrace. He can't call himself a man. Neither of them can. My "father" is NOT my father. He's just a disgusting son of a bitch with a dark specific fetish…"
Bounce. BOUnce. BOUNCE. BOUNCE. BOUNCE.
Suddenly she was slamming the ball against the floor with as much force as she possibly could. "He's a FUCKING HORRIBLE MAN." She started shaking, forgetting the ball in her fury as she started smacking the wall with her hands. "AND HE DESERVES TO ROT IN HELL WHERE HE BELONGS. AND HE KILLED MY FUCKING SISTER. HE KILLED HER."
She could hear Shelby and Holly pounding on the door, screaming at her to let them into the studio. Cassandra ignored then, enraged.
"HE FUCKING KILLED HER AND HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE. HE RAPED US FOR YEARS AND HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE." Instead of smacking the wall she started kicking it as hard as she could. She would be lucky if she didn't put a hole in it. It was a good thing this mansion was strong.
Rachel froze in fear and put her hands over her ears. It was not supposed to be this way. She had made mama scream, cry and hit things. She knew better than to cry herself. The little girl looked hopefully into the face of her mommy. Her mommy looked like Ms. Andrea when she woke her up on Sunday mornings. Mommy looked like a robot and it scared her. Mommy's skin which was usually warm was cold. Mommy was shivering and was almost clawing at the door trying to get Mama to open it. Mommy looked so pale. Rachel loved her mommy and her mama. She wanted them both but not when they were like this.
Rachel spun around and ran to the attic as fast as her legs would take her. She was so scared.
Had she been bad? She must have been real bad.
Seeing her daughter turn to run away, Shelby was torn once again between whether or not to help her wife or her daughter. She hated that she had to choose. She pounded the door another time, angrily dragging her hand down it. "CASSANDRA VIVIAN JULY YOU OPEN THIS GOD DAMNED DOOR RIGHT FUCKING NOW." She screamed, roughly yet pleadingly. She's seen Cassandra react violently to things before. But never like this.
"STOP, Shelby! Look at your damn hand!" April all but growled, pulling her from behind. The doctor could not see Cass and had no idea what shape the studio was in but she could see Shelby and the skin of the singer's knuckles was broken and bleeding.
April pulled Shelby back by the waist, away from the screaming and ranting behind the studio door. The doctor expected a fight but instead Shelby crumpled in her best friend's arms, confused and terrified.
"Shh, it's okay, she's going to be okay. We'll get in there…" April promised Shelby, holding her close. "We'll get in there even if we have to call Stef down here to bust the door down." Although her words were that of comfort, her eyes conveyed a deep message of fear. Cassie seemed as if she was starting to lose it.
They could hear Cassie starting to throw things in the studio. Loud crashes and screams of agony and frustration.
"THAT SON OF A BITCH COULD'VE KILLED ME INSTEAD!" they heard her fume, slamming down a lamp. The shattering of it made Shelby stiffen in April's arms, the words that her wife had just screamed echoing through her head and instilling fear into her core. She looked around for her baby girl so she could reassure her that Mama didn't mean that, and then remembered that Rachel had run off to the attic. Things were so frantic and her head was flustered and spinning. She didn't know what to do. She decided she had to go after Rachel.
Turning to look at April, her eyes desperately said as much and April released her hold so Shelby could run up the attic stairs, taking two at a time. "Rachel?" She called up, trying not to sound as if her heart was shattering into pieces. Trying not to sound so fragile, as she hated feeling that way. She knew Cassie did, too, and she was stabbed with that guilty thought as she realized she wasn't downstairs helping her wife. Her wife who was in so much pain right now that she was screaming and sobbing and throwing things…her wife who had never broken like this before in her entire life. "Rachel, sweetheart, don't be scared. It's all going to be okay…"
"How do you know?!" Rachel's voice was muffled as the girl was curled up in a ball, her head in her knees. "You're scared too! I can tell cuz of your eyes and your voice is breaking! You don't know what's going on with Mama either. I must have been real bad for her to be so upset…" she was surprisingly more open about her feelings than she usually was when she was upset about something. It shocked Shelby, but she wasn't going to complain about it. There wasn't enough time to question it. Only to be grateful for it.
"Sweetheart," Shelby dropped down to Rachel's level. "Honey this isn't about you being bad. You certainly have done nothing bad. You are wonderful and have done nothing wrong," She lifted Rachel's chin so that the little girl would look her in the eyes and understand what she was saying. "Mama has been hurt very badly. Not physically, recently, but in her heart. Her heart is hurting. And we really need to get back downstairs so we can help her fix it."
"Her heart's hurting because of her dad?" Rachel asked, starting to understand a little more. Even though it had been a long time ago, the memories were still there. The flashbacks would still return. The pain and trauma of the events of her childhood would continue to haunt Cassandra. These were demons even she, Cassie the brave, could not face alone. This was something Rachel knew personally. "Because he's a dirty bad man like Reverend?"
"Yes, honey." Shelby was thankful that Rachel understood and was anxious to now just make sure that Cassandra was okay. Surely, she was hurting herself even more for every second they spent up in this attic. But she also wanted to make sure that Rachel understood that this wasn't her fault. "You understand you haven't done anything wrong, don't you?"
Rachel nodded her head up and down. She couldn't remember what had happened the night before, and although Shelby and Cass had vowed to talk to Rachel about it later, now was not the time to bring it up. Rachel did understand now, why Cassie was so upset. She didn't remember Cass reacting violently to the dream she was having, because she didn't remember reacting to the dream either. But now she understood what was going on a little better. At least now she knew why Cassie was so sad and angry. Rachel was sad and angry, too. "We have to go make sure Mama is okay." Rachel wiped a tear and stood, taking Shelby's hand.
Shelby straightened up and nodded softly, picking her little girl up into her arms and hurrying down the stairs to see Holly and April still at the studio door, at a loss.
"CASSIE, DAMMIT, OPEN THE DOOR!" Holly smacked a flat hand against it and wiggled the knob roughly, leaning her head against the door in anger, almost in defeat.
"EVERY FUCKING TIME I DISOBEYED SHE PAID FOR IT." SLAM! A cabinet was knocked to the ground. "WHY COULDN'T I EVER JUST DO WHAT I WAS TOLD?!" CRASH. A table was overturned. Although those on the outside of the studio wouldn't know, for they still had no way to get in.
Finally, Holly took the nearby desk and rammed it into the studio door. Once, twice, three times, four times. It burst open.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Holly screamed at her best friend, watching as Cassandra threw sheet music, tap shoes, dance belts, anything she could find, across the room. A lamp was determined severely shattered in the corner. The only things that were untouched was the grand piano and her stereo.
"I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME! IT SHOULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN ME, HOLLY I WAS ALWAYS THE DISAPPOINTMENT, NOT HER! I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE HE LIKED TO TAKE THE LONGEST TIME WITH, IT WAS ALL ME! IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME…." Her eyes were frantic and searching the room, for what nobody knew. They darted back and forth nervously, as if she was getting ready to bolt. Instead she yelled out a final thought. The one that she'd always felt deep down inside but never dared voice out loud. Not often enough for Shelby to hear, anyways. "SHE WOULD BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW IF IT WASN'T FOR ME!"
"No, I've got to get to her. I am her wife I am supposed to be there for her. I am supposed to comfort her," Shelby set Rachel down and the young girl clung to the legs of her Auntie April as Shelby made her way over to Cassandra. No don't cry, she told herself. Cassie needs you to be strong.
"No, damn you Cassandra! Won't you listen, please?!" Shelby screamed, finally making skin to skin contact with her wife, who was trying to pull away although Shelby had a tight hold of her hands. Her eyes wild and panicked.
She tried to stop Cassie from throwing anything else, and tried to get her to stay still long enough to talk some sense into her. The dancer's arm had been cut by something and she was fuming, red in the face and hyperventilating. She kept repeating over and over,
"It should have been me, it should have been me, it should have been me…"
"IT SHOULD NOT BE YOU. I LOVE YOU! GODS, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?!" Shelby yelled back, attempting in despair to get Cassandra to calm down enough to be able to consul her.
Cassandra froze in place and dropped what was in her hands, putting her hands to her hair as Shelby let go of them, her eyes panicking. Tears poured down her face.
"I...I..." Suddenly she felt faint. Suddenly she could barely breathe.
The mansion had fallen into abrupt quiet except for the sound of Barbra's purr as she rubbed against the dancer's feet. April had a tight hold of Rachel, whose face was buried into the blonde doctor's stomach. April was running a hand through Rachel's long brown hair, trying to sooth her. Holly was right next to Shelby, ready to grab Cassandra in case she got any ideas of darting or exploding again. But Cassandra was suddenly calm. A quiet, melancholy, terrifying calm. It was unsettling to everyone in the room and nobody had the faintest idea what was going to happen next.
Cassandra's eyes went dark-a kind of dark that nobody in the room, not Holly or April or even Shelby, had ever seen before. It petrified them all to their core. Cass wiped a stray tear and started to back away from her wife and friends, very slowly.
"Can't you see, Shelby?" She whispered, distressed, her voice low. "Everything I touch I destroy." her eyes were glassed over. Dark and crazily terror-filled. "Everything I touch...I destroy...he warned me, you know." she continued to walk backwards, ever slowly, her voice loud enough to be above a whisper and nothing more. "He warned me that I was a demon. He told me I was incapable of love and real emotion. He warned me that even those I loved with all of my heart I would end up hurting." She raised her eyebrows. "And he was right..." she walked backwards until her back smacked against the piano. She laughed darkly. "Hell, this is twice now that I've sent my little girl crying to the attic. Maybe I'm no better than he is…making little girls cry..."
"No damn you. You don't get to do that July. You don't violate people," Shelby got in Cassandra's face. "You are the most affectionate, gentle, and compassionate lover on this planet. You make my body sing and pour love out with every touch. You are NOTHING like him, you're—"
"I'm a life ruiner." Cass cut her off, her voice remaining dark. "I'm not meant to be a wife…I'm not meant to raise a child, I'm not meant for any of this! I can't even NOT make a little girl, who's supposed to be my daughter, run away crying! I'm BROKEN, Shelby I'm DAMAGED GOODS. You don't want me."
"Cassie, enough! Stop talking like that," Holly tried to reach for Cassie but did not see that Shelby was about to scream.
"DO YOU THINK SO LITTLE OF ME?" Shelby finally let the tears stream down her face as she ran towards Cassie, taking her wife's shoulders firmly in her hands and shaking her. "ARE I AND OUR VOWS SO UNIMPORTANT COMPARED TO AN EVIL BASTARD OF A FATHER? I AM TRYING SO HARD, CASS. I KNOW I HAVE NOT BEEN PERFECT, BUT I AM TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND!" She wept, her voice getting softer as she saw Cassandra's wide, shocked eyes in response. "And we are both making our daughter cry," Shelby sobbed, touching Cassie's cheek like her wife was about to disappear into thin air.
Cass tore herself away from Shelby's touch, storming off to the side in fury. "IT'S NOT YOU SHELBY, GOD DAMMIT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU IT'S ME?! I'M THE PROBLEM! I'M THE ONE CAUSING EVERYONE SO MUCH PAIN!" She was trying to breathe properly but her chest wasn't letting her. "She's not afraid of you! She's TERRIFIED of me!" Cassie sobbed. "I'm a MONSTER."
"You are NOT a monster!" April said, trying to comfort Rachel who was continuing to sob.
"I'm not terrified of you!" Rachel protested, refusing to look up.
But Cassandra wouldn't hear it. She couldn't even if she'd tried. Her mind wasn't in the right place. To her, she was destroying everything. Wrecking everything beautiful and wonderful and pure in her life because she didn't think it was possible for it to last. She loved Shelby and Rachel and Holly and April with her entire being. She didn't want to go away, of course not. But if she was causing so much pain, which she felt that she was…if she was causing so much stress and fright…if she couldn't be what Shelby deserved, which she knew she couldn't be…if she couldn't give Rachel what SHE deserved, as she knew she wasn't able. She didn't think herself a capable mother, and she didn't think herself worthy enough to be married to someone as incredible as Shelby, or to be best friends with people as amazing as Holly and April and Stef and Lena.
"You saved my life, damn you." Shelby took Cassie by the waist and dragged her back, pressing her body up against hers and pushing her face so close to Cassie's that the blonde had no choice but to look her in the eyes. "You saved my life and you rescued my soul," Shelby fell to the floor, pulling Cassie with her. She felt like her world was falling into the darkness and she was in the closet that her mother used to lock her in, in complete isolation with no way out. She was in that damn closet sitting in that wooden chair. "Cassie…" Shelby was at a loss for any more words. Was Cassie even listening?
"Mama, don't go, Mama. Mommy and I need you," Rachel cried, launching herself at Cassandra. "Aunt Holly and Auntie April and Stefi and Lena—they all need you too. Your daddy was the bad one. He hurt you so badly and he never let you cry." Rachel squeezed Cass so hard it took the blonde's air out of her lungs. "You can cry now, he can't hurt you. You can cry and we will all be here to help and comfort you like you help and comfort us because you're Cassie the Brave, and sometimes Cassie the Brave is allowed to cry. It doesn't mean you aren't brave anymore. I got you. I got you now, mama. We are keepers. We will get better together." Rachel drew in a deep breath and clung tight to her Mama from the back, sobbing. "I need you, Mama. I just got you, Santa just gave me you. Please don't go away. Don't let him win."
Cassie felt numb once more, Rachel's words resounding in her head. "Don't let him win…don't let him win…" Her little girl was begging her to stay, even though Cassie felt like she was the problem even now. Of course she hadn't been serious about leaving, had she? She couldn't remember anymore. Of course she couldn't leave these people whom she loved so much. Even though she was causing so much grief; or at least she felt like she was.
The others were extraordinarily confused. Cassandra thought of herself as nothing more than a nuisance, even though they'd never given her reason to think that. They recognized that was what her father and mother instilled into her head so long ago. Rachel and Natalie's appearance brought that back out in her, after she'd been able to repress it for so long. Of course, the little girls were not to blame for this. But that did not mean it wasn't still happening.
Just like that, Cassie was starting to feel the same way that she used to. As if she was a demon—someone who was in the way and ruining everything even though that's not how anyone else saw it. Not in the slightest. But that's how she saw herself—as trouble.
"You are perfect the way you are, Cassie." Holly promised her, kissing her cheek and sweeping Cassie's blonde hair out of her face. "Please don't let him get into your head like that."
"You are so loved," April promised, wiping her own tears as she saw the destruction caused by the pain endured by this women. This woman whom was always so strong, and who'd always felt the need to be this great wall that nobody could break. For the first time today, she saw Cassandra completely and 100% broken. "So very loved by all of us. Please, Cassie, please see that…"
Cassandra looked into the eyes of her best friends, her child, her lover. The people she loved more than anything else in the world. She knew she had to try to be strong again. If not for herself, then for them. She looked around at all of the damage she had done with her outrage and sighed. What the hell was she doing?
"I'm not going anywhere." Cass whispered into the top of Rachel's head after a quiet, serious thought. She kissed the top of her baby girl's head softly. The baby girl that she didn't think herself good enough to raise. "I'm not going anywhere, little star..."
The blonde snuck a look at her wife, who had gone strangely quiet after her outburst; the two had been literally fighting, and had never fought like that in their lives. Shelby was obviously not nine years old, but Cass was still aware, "like mother, like daughter" in this insistence. Cass knew that Shelby was just as damaged from her childhood as Rachel and she were. Shelby wouldn't talk about it, but it was obvious. Cass had heard her cry out, "No, I'll be perfect!" too many times in her sleep.
Cass had put two and two together that that is where Shelby got this being perfect thing from, and her feeling so responsible for everything that happened; particularly what was happening now. Even though Cassie had been the cause of all of this destruction, Shelby still felt like it was her own fault. And Shelby needed some reassurance and soft touches of care. Cass was about to lean over and gather her near when she saw Rachel moving in closer to her. She sighed and opened her body to her little star, enveloping her in a warm embrace. The little brunette was needing the same comfort her Mommy would need.
Both Corcoran's needed the presence and comfort she, even as "damaged goods" could provide.
Cass frowned as she glanced down at her wife's hand. Her wife had literally been pounding her way to her with her bare hands. While she felt extraordinarily guilty about that, as well as Holly barreling through the door like a fireman doing a rescue, Cass also felt so very loved. Finally, her mind was clearing. She was starting once more to understand the sentiment that her family had been trying to make her see.
"I love you, Shelby Corcoran-July," Cass spoke tenderly. "I am not going anywhere in this world if you are not there beside me."
Shelby lifted her downturned head at the confession. Cass could tell that Shelby was studying her eyes. Begging, hoping, and needing to see her face so she knew it was true. So, even as she opened her arms to their daughter, Cass lowered her walls to her wife and let her see her sincerity. The two lovers had a conversation with their eyes. Cass nodded her head and the furrows in Shelby's brow disappeared. Then her beautiful Shelby just looked very tired.
"Ok Shelbs, you heard YOUR woman," April spoke with authority, after having gone up briefly to the guest bedroom and brought her bag back down with her. "Let me look at your damn hand now, please. You're going to make it worse if it goes untreated."
Rachel fell to her knees and crawled across the dance floor of the studio that was littered with sheet music, shoes, cabinets, tables, and various other items. Every other time an adult acted this way—yelling, angry and throwing things—Rachel worried about getting a beating. But this time it was her Mama, and though she had been very much afraid this morning of how Mama had been acting, Rachel had been more afraid for Mama then of Mama.
Without any inhibition or reservation, Rachel climbed back into Cassie's lap and grabbed hold of her like a Koala Bear. She rubbed her wet, tear-streaked face on the blonde's top.
Rachel had so many thoughts and emotions running through her mind and heart. But they were all jumbled and they had her scared. For the moment she just wanted to be in the arms of Cassie the Brave and know that her Mama was not leaving her and Mommy, ever. She lay her head on her Mama's shoulder and tried to calm herself by twirling her Mama's blonde hair around her finger. It was then she noticed the blood. Her Mama's arm was bleeding.
"Auntie April," Rachel lifted her head and scanned the room. Auntie April was examining Mommy's hand because Mommy had banged on the door so hard she hurt it and her knuckles were bloody. Rachel watched curiously as the blonde doctor was applying pressure and trying to stop the bleeding. "Mommy is going to need four band aids." Rachel started rambling just a little.
"Yes, she probably will after I get the wooden splinter out of one of them," April looked over and smiled softly at the little girl. "Although I might just wrap her hand in one large bandage, because that might work a little better, and it will give her some more flexibility. Looks like your Mama there will need me to patch up an owie for her too…"
At this comment, Cass rolled her eyes, looking over at Holly who silently leaned over and kissed the top of Rachel's head and then patted the top of Cassie's.
"I am not a dog Hol, although I may smell like one," Cass grumbled good-naturedly. Holly merely laughed and started picking up the sheet music thrown every which way on the dance studio floor.
"Maybe not, but a pat seemed appropriate," Holly sing-songed as she bent down and picked up the scattered sheets of paper. "And YOU are the one who is going to put these sheets of music back in order July. I will just get them off the floor for you."
"I didn't like that lamp anyway," April commented, not sure what to think of the fact that Shelby was the only one in the room not talking. The doctor used the tweezers and pulled out the splinter. When Shelby jumped, the doctor made a shushing noise.
"It's okay darlin'," April cooed, "The storm has blown over now, sweetness."
Shelby squeezed her eyes shut at her dear friend's words. The innocent words conjured up a memory she would have rather forgotten.
"Are you afraid of the a little thunder?" little Shelby's mother growled in her ear.
She stood with her hands on her hips giving her a look of disapproval. "I catch you hiding under the piano bench because a damn thunderstorm?"
The brunette drug the little girl out from under the bench and popped her behind with five quick pops.
"Fears are a weakness and you face them head on if you want to be successful in this life," the mother told her daughter. "So out with you. Get on the damn porch and sweep the leaves off of it. You are going to remain out there on the porch until either the storm blows over, or the house gets struck by lightning."
The five year old whimpered as she was carried outside and handed a broom. Thunder boomed and lightning crackled. It seemed to go on forever. The wind did not help her sweeping because it kept blowing leaves onto the back porch. She jumped and bit at her lip to keep from crying because crying was not allowed.
"Storm has blown over now," her mother's voice called after a door opened and a hand grabbed her wrist, leading her back to the piano bench. "Now it must be perfect. You must be perfect too, Shelby Kimberly. Perfect people never show they are afraid of ANYTHING!"
"How does that feel, Shelbs?" April asked as finished putting the wrap on the singer's hand, and then she took the singer's other hand in hers. April frowned at how cold the woman was. "Shelby? Shelllbbyyy?" April asked, noticing her friend seemed to be lost in thought.
"Shelby?" Cass asked, concern causing her to frown. The dancer knew that look. Hell, she wore that look many a time in their marriage and even before. Usually though, it was around December 18th. Like herself, Shelby was terrible talking about her past and her feelings about it.
We are both going to have to change that, my love, Cass thought to herself.
"Rachel, little star, would you and Aunt Holly go get Mommy some water?" Cassie asked.
"Come on, Rach," Holly extended her hand. "Let's go get some for all of us."
As Rachel and Holly walked away, Cass gave April a concerned look. The two good friends had a conversation.
"Let me handle this," Cass mouthed without speaking out loud.
"Ok," April said aloud, "I will help Hol and Rach in the kitchen. Don't bleed all over everything till I put a bandage on that." April stood up, feeling Shelby was in good hands. "I love you, Cass and I am going to do all I can to help you…all of you," the doctor finished as she walked out into the hall heading towards the kitchen.
The room was quiet. It was just the two of them, wives in each other's presence, alone for the first time in what seemed like ages. It was the first time they had been alone since they were in bed and expressing their love intimately, Cass realized. That seemed to have been a lifetime ago. Cassandra had hurt her hazel eyed beauty and now she was god knows where in her mind.
Cass wrapped her arms around her from behind and placed her lips to Shelby's shoulder, tenderly. "Shelby, I'm not going anywhere. Shelby I'm so sorry…You don't have to be perfect, it's me, it's me. This is my fault, you are absolutely wonderful, I swear to you Shelby you are the sunshine of my life and you are the reason I am here today."
Shelby said nothing but words were not necessary. Her dearest love was crawling into her arms much like Rachel had done a few minutes ago. Shelby's head fell to Cass's shoulder. Her breasts falling just above hers as their bodies melded into one.
The kiss they shared was delicate…sensitive…raw. It communicated more than either could say right now. Both of them so filled with confusion and hurt. The kiss reminded Cass an awful lot of the day Cass kissed her bride.
"Shelby, baby, I've got you," Cass cooed, "And I won't EVER let go."
"And I've got you and will NEVER let you go," Shelby said tiredly, yawning and nuzzling her lover's neck. "Keepers." She whispered, her lips brushing against the heated skin of Cassie's neck.
"Keepers," Cass agreed.