Disclaimer: I don't own YYH or the characters
Welp, I sort of fractured my ankle yesterday (can't even tell you how it happened), so I'm going to be laid up for quite some time. I don't know how long yet until I get the hard cast this week. It's sucky news for me, but at least there's a bright side. I get to write, play videogames, and basically get to entertain myself. I have wonderful friends who are all making sure I have things to do. My best friend is going to teach me a card game he's into tonight when he and his mom bring us over some pizza and we're gonna watch The Force Awakens since he hasn't seen it yet. It's going to be great. Wish I wasn't in pain though :/
Anyway, on a non-life news front, thank you everyone who has been reading and reviewing. I knew this story was going to be a hard one to get through, especially because of these last couple of chapters. I appreciate all the feedback and kind words. It's been a little bit more difficult to write the grieving stuff now that I've finally made it this far mainly because I've been handling my situation so much better two years out. Still, I will do my best to capture everything, make it relatable. Thank you all again.
It was like a dream. No, it was like a full blown nightmare.
Botan hid out in the back room of the funeral home eating small sandwiches her uncle's wife had brought for everyone as she thought about everything that had happened in the past few hours.
Hiei and Botan had been brought to the hotel where her whole family was staying, sharing a room with her grandparents. They had gotten ready, just waiting to know what was going on next. Her grandparents were waiting to hear from Botan's aunt when Ayame wanted them over. Of course, they were already dealing with some minor drama. Botan's uncle's wife had butt heads with her aunt, and Botan had no idea why. Her grandparents assured her it was nothing she needed to worry about.
After all, she had enough to worry about.
Eventually, her grandparents brought them to her father's house. Hiei could tell Botan was reluctant to go inside. He understood. That house held a lot of memories, all mixed between good and bad, and Botan didn't want to face it. "I'm with you," he reminded her, giving her the courage she needed to enter the home.
Hiei looked around the place as they all ascended the stairs up to the living room. His eyes landed on a young boy in the room with his face in an iPad and the television on in the background. "Oh, Botan," he heard a woman call out, and turned his attention to his girlfriend just in time to see a dark-haired woman embrace her. Botan looked panicked as she stiffened in the woman's arms, but then she relaxed and awkwardly hugged her back.
When they pulled away, Botan held her hands folded together in front of her. "Hello, Ayame. Uh…h-how…" she paused for a moment before looking over at her brother whose eyes were also on her. "How are you holding up?"
"As well as can be expected," the woman replied. "What about you, sweetie?"
Botan seemed taken aback by the woman's friendliness. "I…not very well, honestly." Hiei stepped up beside her, placing his hand on his shoulder. His action did not go unnoticed by Ayame who simply stared at him. "Ayame, this is Hiei, my boyfriend. He agreed to come with me."
"It's nice of you to be here for my daughter," Ayame replied, and even Hiei seemed shocked by the warmth. "I wish we were meeting under different circumstances."
Hiei fought off the animosity he held toward the woman and her late husband and forced out a, "Me too."
Botan's grandparents began conversing with Ayame's parents, catching up while Botan went over to her brother. Amanuma was playing a game, simply staring at the screen as she sat next to him. "Hey, kiddo," she greeted. "What are you playing?"
"Minecraft," Amanuma spoke quietly. "I'm using dad's iPad."
Botan grimaced slightly, but then surprisingly Amanuma stopped playing the game and looked up at her. He looked miserable, but he smiled at her anyway. The girl returned the smile and pulled her little brother into a hug. "I missed you," she told him.
"I missed you, too," he replied.
Hiei moved to sit next to Botan, carefully watching the scene. Amanuma caught his eyes and then looked to his sister. "Who's he?"
"Amanuma, this is Hiei. He's my boyfriend." Amanuma flashed Hiei a strangely hard look, but Hiei didn't seem bothered by it. He wondered if the little boy was trying to be intimidating. It took a lot to intimidate Hiei, but he respected the gesture. Botan seemed to notice her brother's actions. "Hey, none of that. Hiei is the reason I was able to come."
"Really?" Amanuma asked, the ire gone instantly.
"Mm-hm," Botan replied. "Hiei and I have been friends for a while, and we started officially dating before Christmas."
Amanuma looked to the teenager and asked simply, "Do you like videogames?"
Hiei seemed a little off-put by the question before he frowned. "Sort of. I'm not into those shooter games."
"Me neither," Amanuma agreed. "Video games don't need to be excessively violent to be fun. I have Super Smash, though. That game is fun. Do you and Botan want to play?"
"Sure, we'll play," Botan responded. Truthfully, she thought it would be good for her brother to stay distracted, and it would be perfect bonding for the three of them. She looked to Hiei, who only shrugged, and smiled. She was very thankful he was with her, and happy that he was willing to humor her brother. With her father gone, Botan knew they were all going to have to be strong for the boy. He would need some strong, male guidance in his life as well. Hiei was already helping with that.
Later, everyone left for the funeral home for the wake. Strangely enough, Botan had learned that her father had also been a free mason and there would be a ceremony honoring him that night, and then a priest would be holding a small service the next morning before the burial. It was all still surreal to Botan, especially when she saw a massive amount of people.
She had been frozen to her spot as people kept coming up to her, asking her if she was his daughter, then telling her how much the man spoke of his daughter and how proud he was of her. Startled and stunned did not even begin to cover Botan's emotions. She felt like she was in the twilight zone. Even his friends had known who she was just from looking at her. It was so very trying when she just felt suffocated and crowded. Hiei was the one to take her into the back room. She had already been in the main room with her stepmother and brother when they first arrived. Her brother's breakdown had been the reason she needed to escape and ran into hordes of people.
Watching her brother sob and scream out so painfully when they saw their father in the casket would forever be on her mind. It had been too much for her to bear, but before the others came in, she herself wanted to see her father. Her grandmother and Hiei had gone up with her, but she was ready to leave the room, Amanuma's cries still piercing even as he was calming down. She felt strange at the casket. She didn't feel like her father was really there, and so she didn't feel the need to continuously stare at his body.
After Hiei had gotten her in the room, Botan's anxiety level had diminished, but her heart was still racing. He was thankful they were alone in there as she tried to get ahold of her own breathing despite her crying. Hiei held her close to him, letting her get it out. He knew she had been so overwhelmed being bombarded with condolences and the fact that her father had bragged to all these strangers about her. Botan expected that from her mother, not her father. All they were learning that day was that her father had made a name for himself. He was a good and fair businessman, owning many businesses that his entire family save his wife had no idea about. He helped out a lot with the food pantry and Amanuma's Boy Scout troop. He was this amazing man that everyone looked up to, and yet his actions towards Botan were completely opposite.
"I just don't understand," Botan finally said, shaking her head. "What the hell was that? He…I can't…"
Hiei remained quiet except for a singular scoff as he shook his head as well. It didn't make sense to him either. He didn't know how the man they were all speaking about out there could be the same person that tormented Botan, but he knew it was. "M-Maybe…" Botan spoke earning his attention. "Maybe I was wrong, and it wasn't so bad?"
"No, it was bad, Botan," Hiei reminded her. "You know how depressed you were. You know they were his words. You're in shock right now, so it's easier to push your own emotions aside. Botan, the man they're mourning is a lie. He was the man who continuously hurt and insulted you, but he was able to carry himself differently out here away from all of you."
"I don't want to go back out there," Botan remarked. "I can't handle it. I can't do this."
"You don't have to go back out yet," Hiei assured her. "Why don't we eat some of the small sandwiches your aunt brought? We can go back out when the crowd dies down and you've had some time to process this."
"Hiei…it just…it makes no sense," was all Botan said before Hiei started getting food ready. He couldn't disagree with her. Nothing about what had happened out there was expected. Everyone kept telling Botan what a wonderful man her father was, what an honorable man he was, and Botan had just been so taken aback that she could only remain silent as they gave her their condolences. Hiei gripped the can of soda pretty hard, still angered by the man's treatment of his daughter. Those people could say the things they were, but Hiei knew the truth. He almost lost Botan because of her depression. It hadn't just been school or his own actions, but Botan's incredible self-loathing that her father had caused to push her to that horrible moment. Botan had even told him that she and Shiori had figured that out. A good man, an honorable man, was not what her father was. A good and honorable man would have built his daughter up instead of tearing her down and making her feel like an inconvenience. This man had done a really good job at leading a double life. He didn't wish for the man to have died for Botan's sake, but he was lucky he wasn't alive or Hiei would give him hell for what he put his daughter through.
When they finished eating, Botan was ready to venture out and find her cousins and brother again. The youngest girl had taken a liking to her cousin, Amanuma, following him around everywhere. The two little boys were running around the outer room of the funeral home not understanding what was going on around them. Kaname and Amanuma were talking about games and school while they're other cousin vied for Amanuma's attention. The former saw Botan and Hiei walking up to them and gave the girl a sorrowful smile before getting up and allowing her to give him a hug, something he normally fough.
"Hey, how are you holding up?" he asked her.
"Not the best," Botan admitted. "I'm not feeling very well."
"I can understand," Kaname agreed searching the room for his sister and being unable to find her. "Of course she disappeared."
"It's all right," Botan replied as she took a seat next to her brother. He was playing some Mario game on his DS, not really focusing on the other people around. He was using the game as his escape, not wanting to face where they were or the other people. He hadn't gone back in the room since he had finished crying. Botan couldn't blame him. She didn't want to go back in there either, so she just took Hiei's hand and watched her brother play his game. Amanuma smiled every so often as his cousins spoke and made jokes, even when the young girl tried to take his game away and make him pay attention to her. Eventually her mother showed up and took her inside, and Botan wondered how her aunt was holding up. She was her father's little sister, and she was the closest to him, the one he still spoke to as he ignored the rest of the family.
A lot of people went inside leaving them be, and eventually Botan's family came out and corralled their kids to go and eat in the back room. That left Hiei and Botan alone with her grandmother who sat with them. "How's it going?"
"I'm fine, grandma," Botan replied solemnly. "I just can't get past all of this. They all know who I am, and he always talked about me. If that was the case and he really was proud of me, why did he say all of those horrible things?"
"I don't know, sweets," her grandmother replied with a sigh. "I just really don't know. I've been hearing a lot about that as well, and about how wonderful parents your grandfather and I were to have raised such a good and loving man."
Tears pricked at the corners of Botan's eyes. This was just getting to be too hard and too ridiculous. She felt like she was in an alternate universe. She shook her head to try to free herself of some of her thoughts when a man walked up to them and said, "Are you Botan?"
Hiei's narrowed at the man. He looked like a businessman, very clean, and he was reminded that Tarukane was still a threat to them. He watched the man, waiting for a funny move when the man said, after Botan nodded, that it was so good to finally meet her.
The man, Jacob, sat down across from them and began speaking about her father. "He was one of my best friends, and he always talked about you." Botan tried not to react to his words. "He was so proud of you for getting accepted to college. The day he found out, he took us out to celebrate."
Botan's mouth nearly dropped open, and her grandmother looked to her with worry. Hiei glared at the man, once again, for a completely different reason this time. "I…he did?"
Jacob nodded, a smile on his face. "He was very excited for you. He was looking forward to your high school graduation, too."
Botan knew that was a lie. Before she ever asked him about college finances or insurance, she had asked if he would come to her graduation at the end of the year and he said he wouldn't be for he had strike duty training schedule for that weekend. It was so important to her that he come, but he refused to even talk to his manager about switching his training days. Her graduation wouldn't ever come again, and she was sure his boss would understand, but he hadn't wanted to be there.
After Botan said nothing, Jacob started telling her stories about when the guys would go out, the gags he'd play on her father and whatnot, and Botan actually caught herself laughing. She finally caught glimpses of her father, the way he was when she was younger and the fun times and good memories she had. She realized that her father wasn't a monster in normal, everyday context and that he could have fun. That was what she wanted to remember right now, and so she asked Jacob to tell her more stories about her dad with Hiei and her grandmother supporting her as they listened. For a moment, Botan could definitely feel her father's presence around them, but she thought that was silly. Of course, what she didn't know was that Hiei had felt something around them at that moment too, thought it was just this fleeting sensation followed by a strange calm and peace before it moved on and disappeared. Hiei shrugged. Maybe it had just been the wind.
The next day was even more painful for the family. One thing that Botan had kept hearing had been from her stepmother. When both she and Hiei joined the woman and her brother before anyone was allowed in, she had sat the two kids down and said to them that God had needed another angel, and the only one who could fulfill that role was their father for he was a good man. Hiei had looked at the woman like she was crazy. Who had she been trying to fool with that? Botan was a teenager, and she already knew that it had been an accident, plus her father was not a very good man, at least to her. Amanuma, on the other hand, started blaming God which was what Botan had been worried about as soon as the words had left the woman's mouth.
So when they were at the service the next morning, her brother refused to put his hands together in prayer, his mother trying to force it. Botan shook her head and felt terrible. She wished her stepmother hadn't said that, but it couldn't be helped. She couldn't even say to the boy right now that God didn't purposefully try to take their father away, and that if he lived he might have been paralyzed and suffered. No one ever fully understood these matters, but Botan at least tried to remain rational about it.
When the service was over, everyone headed to the cemetery for the burial. Hiei was surprised that the man was receiving military treatment, but then he remembered when Botan had told him that her father had joined the army so that her mother wouldn't be able to find him. He shook his head as he took in Botan's form. She had her hands folded on her lap and she was simply staring at the casket. She started crying when she heard one of her younger cousins, her father's godson who hardly knew who the man was, asking why they were putting the man in the box in the ground. Hiei reached for her, but Ayame beat him too it, placing her hand on the girl's back as they both cried, so he just placed his hand on her folded ones.
It came time for the family to place flowers on the casket, saying their final goodbyes. Botan wasn't ready for it. She wasn't ready to accept her father was gone. She couldn't do it and started backing away, but Hiei prevented her from fully running away. Ayame noticed the interaction, Botan wrapped in Hiei's arms before she turned back around and walked up to the casket. She, Ayame, and Amanuma picked up a flower each, the latter two placing them on the casket. Botan hesitated, but eventually she released the plant, in her mind bidding her father goodbye, and then weakly joining her stepmother and brother. Hiei didn't leave her side, and Botan was thankful for his constant presence. He was the only thing keeping her calm during this whole ordeal.
Amanuma began crying again as they got further and further away from the cemetery, and Botan was instantly over at his side. Both she and Ayame exchanged glances and took his arms, walking with him. His painful wails got louder and more intense the further away they walked even when his legs gave out and the two women attempted to carry him. They couldn't make it to the car, Amanuma escaping their hold and dropping to his hands and knees. Botan looked to Hiei, tears streaming down her face, and Hiei did the only thing he could think of.
Ayame watched as her stepdaughter's boyfriend knelt down in front of her son. The child didn't even look up at the shadow looming up at him. Hiei placed a hand on the kid's back before moving to embrace him and pick him up. He carried the sobbing child and got him inside the car, sitting beside him. He was about to get out of the vehicle, but Amanuma clutched his shirt and refused to let him go. Ayame's expression softened, and she motioned for Botan to get into the back seat. After she got into the front, her sister drove all of them back to the house.
Eventually, Amanuma calmed down and caught his breathing, but he still refused to let go of Hiei. The teenager didn't mind, really, but he definitely felt a bit out of place. It wasn't until Botan leaned her head on his shoulder that he relaxed.
When they arrived at the house again, Hiei took Amanuma's hand which prompted the boy to look up at him and release his shirt. The child looked so lost, and Hiei's breath hitched. He remembered a time where he had had that look on his face, before he let anger at his father consume him and just stopped caring. "Come on," he voiced softly, tugging gently on his arm. "Let's go inside."
Amanuma nodded and skootched out of the car. Botan was over by the front door, watching the scene with a sad smile on her face. Her little brother had gotten out of the car, and looked up at Hiei again with big, sad eyes. What made her heart jump, though, was when the little boy launched himself at Hiei and hugged her confused boyfriend. Hiei was not necessarily one for physical contact, and he was frozen in place with wide, unblinking eyes as he shakily wrapped his arms around the kid. He had gotten used to it with Botan, but he was so caught off-guard. He snapped out of his stupor and lifted the child into his arms. Amanuma wrapped his arms around Hiei's neck and snuggled against his chest. Hiei brought him inside, Botan holding the door open for him and entering.
She walked up the stairs behind Hiei and met Ayame at the top. The two of them watched as Hiei got Amanuma to the couch and sat down beside him. The little boy was reluctant to release the teenager, so he settled for sitting next to him as Hiei put on some cartoon movie and remained with him on the couch. "What he did was very sweet," Ayame said to Botan. "I appreciate it."
Botan nodded. "I do, too." She looked to her stepmother and saw her frowning. "What is it?"
"Your father would have loved to meet him," Ayame told her, striking Botan in the heart once more. "He'd want to know that you had found someone who is good to you."
Yeah, because he wasn't, Botan said in her mind before she shook off the thought. "Right," she replied before she yawned. "I'm going to go and join them."
Ayame watched as Botan sat on the other side of her brother, hugging him and kissing his forehead. Amanuma looked up at his big sister and grinned slightly before snuggling deeper into the couch. The woman tried to ignore Botan sidestepping her comment, but she couldn't. She felt terrible that Botan would never get to know the man her father really was, and she was sure that her opinion of him was low, but it was because of the other people in their life that most likely spent time smearing his good name to the girl.
One day, she would want to talk to Botan about all of it, but today was very far from that day. She wouldn't even mention it at this point. They had plenty of time for that. For now, they needed to try to relax after such a traumatic day. Her kids were what were important now, and she needed to make sure they were taken care of.
Days passed, and Hiei and Botan returned to their home. Botan released a heavy sigh of relief as she threw herself down on the bed and sighed. It had been very difficult for them to leave Illinois, mainly because Amanuma didn't want her or Hiei to go. He knew they had school, and Botan promised she'd call him whenever she could.
Hiei put their bags on the other side of the room so they could deal with them later. Their trip was more emotionally taxing than Hiei had thought possible and he was exhausted himself. He walked over to the bed and sat against the headboard closing his eyes. They couldn't have a quiet moment, though, as Hiei's phone went off. He glanced at the text message from Kurama stating that he had all the work they missed and would drop them off in the morning before school. He responded his thanks and then tossed the phone on the nightstand. The room was once again quiet.
After a while, Hiei finally spoke up, knowing Botan was keeping a lot of her feelings bottled up. It wasn't like they had much time to talk about it while they were there surrounded by people praising her father and his life. Botan had been a wreck the whole time, especially when the eulogies were being read. It had been hard for the entire family, especially hearing how the man who had ignored them all had convinced his friends to deal with their family problems and make up, letting the past go. If that wasn't hypocritical enough, the man had also leant money to strangers, never expecting it back after refusing to help his daughter out with college, and he had acted more like a father to her brother's babysitter than to Botan. Hiei would never be able to forget Botan's crestfallen expression, visibly revealing her broken heart.
"So, that was something," Hiei remarked coldly, and Botan could tell he was as angry with the turn of events as she was, though he could openly show that anger where she was reluctant to do so.
She still had to agree with him. "My uncle said he guessed he never knew his brother. We all felt like we were attending the funeral of a stranger."
Hiei sat up and watched Botan as she stared up at the ceiling unmoving. A frown marred his features as he reached out for her, brushing her bangs away. She closed her eyes and took in a shaky breath before she finally moved to crawl over to him. "I'm glad you were there. Amanuma really liked you. He needed you like I did."
"He is a very good kid," Hiei told her, "and he loves you very much. Your fears of your father turning him against you were in vain."
"Thankfully," Botan whispered. "But I just can't get over it. I felt so selfish."
Hiei looked at her, his expression stern. "You did not just say that," he spat, but Botan only looked away. "You are not selfish, Botan. How could you even say that?"
"I don't know," she admitted, "but I just feel that way. All I kept thinking when that girl broke down, Amanuma's babysitter, was 'why couldn't he have been there for me?' When Ayame talked about that little boy in the Scouts that didn't have a father, that he was there for him and encouraging him, I couldn't help but think the same thing."
"It's not selfish to want your father to have acted like one," Hiei assured her. "Botan, he tortured you. Even if he did all these good things, it doesn't take away from that at all. He should have been there for you, and now he can't make things right, but I'm sure he understands what he put you through now. You did everything, Botan. You tried so hard to make things work. You kept opening yourself only to be shot down again and again, and you still kept trying to the point where it almost destroyed you. You can never say that you're selfish. You were willing to forgive him for everything so many times. That's the most selfless thing I've ever heard of."
"Thanks, Hiei," Botan sighed, nuzzling into him, "I really needed to hear that."
He kissed her forehead and held her close, reluctant to ever let her go. He knew she had struggled when they were in the crazy, backwards place. Still, he hadn't expected her to feel guilty for something like feeling selfish. Botan had a problem with misplaced guilt. She felt remorseful for things she had no control over that weren't even her fault. "Get some rest," he ordered. "Tomorrow we have to return to school."
"Do you think our teachers would understand if we took one more day? I feel like I just need a day to unwind from all of that."
"Even if they don't understand, your mother and I do. Kurama is going to bring the work we missed tomorrow morning," Hiei told her. "We can get started on it and just watch some movies or something."
"Sounds good," Botan hummed, falling asleep against him. She was so mentally exhausted, and it was catching up with her. "I love you."
Hiei smiled, blushing a bit and chuckling. Botan had been saying that more and more since the day she found out about her father, and Hiei, in turn, was saying the words back each and every time. "I love you too, woman."
Botan grinned sleepily before she closed her eyes. Despite her weariness, she at least had some things to be happy about. She knew that she couldn't focus on everything making her miserable, so instead she decided to think about what she and Hiei would be doing the next day. She thought about the end of AP exams, even prom and graduation. There was so much to look forward to before the two of them went off to school together. At least there was a lot to hope for, as well.