Cara could barely hear herself breathing, the anticipation of the situation becoming too much for her to handle. She had no idea what to expect, no idea what was to come. There was no way to know what Kylo Ren would do once truly confronted with the presence of Han Solo.
"Han Solo was Ben's father. Ben Solo does not exist anymore."
She felt a shiver run up her spine as she remembered his words, and the cold tone of his voice as he had spoken them to her. It was as though he had forgotten how much he, too, had changed over the course of the past few months. Try as he might to deny it, she had changed him. Whether or not that transformation was good was an entirely different question all together.
She watched his every move from the shadows: the long, powerful strides he took, the way he rolled his shoulders back, the manner in which his fists were tightly curled into balls by his side. He looked as tense as she felt, and she could only hope that this would end well. Her gaze followed him down the Oscillator Bay; her heart beating faster with each step he took that brought him closer to Han. His father had yet to turn around, still inspecting the charges he and Chewie had planted along the columns, unaware that his long-lost son was stalking towards him. Cara could almost feel the tension in the air, the anxiety radiating off of Kylo in waves. She counted down the seconds until the two men would speak their first words to each other, each movement Han made accounting for another skipped heartbeat within her chest, until they were so close that she could barely keep herself hidden anymore.
Suddenly, Kylo turned to the left, heading towards the narrow footbridge, walking away from his father in a wide arc to cross to the other side of the Oscillator Bay. She let out a breath, utterly bewildered at Ren's sudden change of heart, before she heard the one name that she had tried so hard not to utter too often herself over the course of the past few weeks.
"BEN!" Han shouted, his familiar voice sounding more authoritative and demanding than she had ever heard it before. It made her crouch back into the shadows, her desire to join them forgotten as she watched Han Solo purposefully stride towards his son. Kylo turned towards the source of the voice, and it was then that she realized what he had been playing at when he had turned in the opposite direction. He wanted Han to make the first move; starting the confrontation would have made Kylo appear weaker, revealing a wish to speak to his father that he either wanted to conceal or did not even have all together.
His mask still on, Kylo looked quite menacing, and she remembered how frightened she had been of him the first few days before she had informed as to his true identity. She wondered if Han felt the same way, or if he was still capable of seeing his son underneath that mask, a cold exterior blocking out the person he had known before. She squeezed her hands together, trying to relieve some of the tension she felt throughout the whole of her body, another bout of panic threatening to overwhelm her as she suddenly wondered what had become of Rey and Finn. Her questions about their whereabouts were forgotten however as soon as Kylo spoke his first words to his father.
"Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time." Kylo said, and the sentiment surprised her, making her wonder if he had been able to foresee this confrontation long before it was even destined to happen. If that were true, he must have already known what he was going to do once he saw his father again, what he would say. Perhaps Cara should have asked him about it more forcefully, tried to get a better understanding of the inner workings of Kylo's conflict within himself. Perhaps it would have made the conflict within her more rational as well.
Han slowly walked towards Kylo, towards his son, the narrow bridge they stood on making Cara inexplicably nervous.
"Take that mask off. You don't need it." Han said, and she could not help but agree with him – every time she had spoken to Kylo, to Ben, and he had kept it on made her feel wholly unconnected to him, as though he was trying to ignore her even if he was the one that had begun the conversation in the first place. In the corner of her eye, she saw Rey and Finn reappearing above them, watching the confrontation with pained and stressed expressions on their faces that were sure to be mirrored in her own. She almost wanted to tell them that she was hiding there, so that they would know where she was if something were to go wrong; but she pushed that thought aside, not allowing herself to feel the dread that was culminating within her, opting to hope for the best instead. She needed to believe in Kylo Ren, or how else was she supposed to believe in herself, all the choices she had made, the words she had spoken, or the actions she had taken since being reunited with him?
"What do you think you will see if I do?" Kylo Ren asked, that same menacing tone he had used towards her only minutes prior evident in his voice. Cara thought back to a similar conversation she had had with Kylo, when she had just been captured, before she had even found out who he had used to be. Before she had even vowed to herself that she would bring Ben back from the depths of himself.
"The face of my son." Han answered, and she could feel tears welling in her eyes at his reply. He believed that Ben was still in there, the same way she had when she had first learnt of his true identity. Did she still believe in that now? She thought back to all her recent interactions with him, with Kylo, realizing with regret that she may have forgotten, or perhaps even ignored, her own promise to find him once more, to be reunited with the true Ben Solo again. Maybe if she had succeeded, if she had worked harder to find him within Kylo Ren, none of this would be happening right now. They would all be fighting on the same side, Cara would not feel as though she was betraying friends and allies; maybe she would not feel so confused, angry, and fearful all the time. Maybe she would have been happy with him, the way they used to be, together. She had allowed herself to get sucked into this new version of him, the version where he was powerful, strong-willed, enticing and persuasive. It was an entirely new relationship, one which might be just as important to her as her relationship had been with Ben, one which she could no longer fight and did not have the will too. Kylo Ren was in her life now, for good. There was no going back.
Kylo purposefully removed his mask, and Cara realized that this was the first time Han Solo was seeing his son as a truly grown man. No longer an adolescent, all traces of innocence had aged off of Kylo's handsome features, replaced by a hardened glare and striking features that only drew her to him all the more. She wondered what Han thought of his son, the way he looked now, if he regretted having missed all these changes happening as he grew; and she could only imagine the pain he must be feeling right now, how important this moment must be for him.
"Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him." It was a variation of the words that Kylo had so often repeated to her, but they were more intense, his choice of words a knife to her back as her mind once more tried to signal to her that those words were of importance, now more than ever before.
She was thankful that Han had become so adept at hiding his true feelings over the years. His face was a mask, impossible to read. He was not going to let Kylo Ren see how much his words were actually affecting him.
"That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it's not true. My son is alive."
Again, Han's conviction was like a punch to the gut – she could feel her own guilt seeping its way back into her consciousness, as much as she may try to push it away. She was beginning to feel angry with herself, for ignoring a promise she had made to her old friend, for forgetting how much she could have helped Han and Leia, no matter how much they may have hurt Ben in the past. Her hands began to tremble, and she could feel the now familiar surge of rage boiling inside of her, fighting to reveal itself, fighting to throw herself between them and stop whatever it was that might happen.
"No. The Supreme Leader is wise."
"Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you. You know it's true."
"It's too late." Kylo replied, and it was almost unthinkable how such simple words could eliminate almost all the tension in her body, making her forget why she had become so angry. This was the Kylo that she had come to know, the one she had fallen for, the one she trusted. The one who was conflicted with himself, fighting between what he thought was right and wrong, the one who had needed her companionship as much as she had needed his. She hoped that Han would see in Kylo what she saw in him, and still accept both Ben and Kylo as his son, who were ever more becoming one and the same person. It seemed Han felt the same way, a glimmer of hope gracing his features as he recognized the plea, heard his son reaching out to him.
"No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you."
She could feel one of the tears that had formed in her eyes before now run down her cheek, desperate for Kylo, for Ben, to say yes. Desperate to leave with him and his father, to be with him somewhere they would not be under such scrutiny, where he would feel free to express his weaknesses and his desires without feeling as though he would be judged for them. She stood up from her crouched position, stepping out of the shadows, making eye contact with Rey and Finn so that they would know that she was there. She was surprised to see that their expressions were still strained, as though they were waiting for something more, something else to happen. What that was, Cara could not even fathom. She could hear her Kylo in his words; see him in the way he gazed at his father. There was nothing to fear there. She knew this man. He may be unpredictable, but he had hardly ever expressed himself so freely. He was being as honest as he could be, she was sure of it.
"I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do, but I do not know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?" Kylo, or Ben, asked his father; and she could feel herself walking towards the pair even though she knew neither of them were paying attention to her now. She wanted to help him too, whatever it was that he could ask of her. She felt drawn to him, now more than ever. It was a strange sensation, the resentment she had felt towards him before when he had purposefully ignored her gone, replaced by sentimentality and hopefulness. If he could affect her that much with just a few words, what could he do to her if they had an entire lifetime together? She looked back up at Rey and Finn, hoping that they would understand that there was no danger there; but their features were still pulled into a tense expression.
"Yes. Anything." Han responded, and any lasting resentment she had for the man was washed away completely by the sheer devotion she could hear in his voice. Whatever Ben had thought of him back when they were younger, Han Solo still cared about his son. That was all she needed to know.
Kylo dropped his mask to the floor, the sound reverberating around the vast space, and Cara took it as a final signal that it was over. Kylo had finally picked a side. He handed his lightsaber to his father, the one object he used to ground himself to reality, to allow him to channel his anger, which gave him the strength he needed to say what needed to be said. Cara had the sudden urge to run to him, to grip his weapon-wielding hand in hers, to tell him that it was okay. That she would go with him. The bay went dark, the last rays of sunshine have disappeared from the sky, and she held her breath as she waited for the moment that she could embrace him once more; but it never came.
Five seconds of total silence enveloped the bay, the sounds of battle outside even having ceased. Five total seconds before Cara's life was once more turned upside down by the same man. The one man she cared for more than anything. Her body went into shock, denying the truth of what she had seen by trying to freeze her in time, to act as though it had not happened. Red light had illuminated the chamber, the same red light she had seen shining in the hallways before she had found Finn and Han, the familiar crackling sound reverberating against every surface before it finally found its mark. The beam of energy shot through Han so quickly, so suddenly, her eyes barely comprehended what was happening.
Cara was faintly aware of Rey screaming in the distance, of Finn trying to comfort her by holding her to his side. She was faintly aware that the blasts of battle had resumed outside, the First Order once more engaging with the Resistance. She was faintly aware that she had dropped to her knees and that her breathing had become incredibly erratic. Above all of that though, she was aware of the look Kylo gave his father one last time as Han touched the face of his son for the first time in years. She wanted to see regret on his face, to see that Kylo realized he had made a mistake, but it was unreadable, just as Han's had been only moments before. Han never uttered a word again, and dropped down the reactor shaft, as though being erased from existence. She had heard Kylo mutter a thank-you to his father, as though that was supposed to make her understand why he had done such a thing. Finn and Rey were nowhere to be found.
She was snapped out of her stupor as she heard Chewbacca utter an excruciating wail, the kind someone never hopes to hear in his or her life. She turned to him, hoping to find some kind of comfort in his familiar furry face, but he took aim without thinking and shot Kylo right in the abdomen with his bow caster. Cara screamed, both at the Wookie and at Kylo, not knowing whose side she needed to be on. The rage washed through her once more, as she finally ran towards Kylo, knowing that she still needed to understand his actions if she ever hoped to gain some closure. She needed to get him to safety before Chewie blew all the charges, blowing this place into oblivion.
She crouched down beside him, noticing his hand pushed against his stomach, blood already seeping through his fingers. She ignored the wound, something telling her to let him sit in his own physical pain, the pain that he had caused himself as soon as he had decided to kill Han Solo. She clamped her hands around his face, gripping hard, forcing him to look at her. His face was still expressionless, his eyes betraying nothing of what he felt inside. She dug her fingers into his smooth skin, a feeling she normally would have relished but now just made her feel sick and used. Her thoughts asked her why she was even holding him at all, wondering what he had done to deserve her presence next to him. She pushed them down, needing to understand.
"Why, Why – How could you? After everything he said he would do for you. After everything you and I have been through, Kylo. I trusted you. I trusted you to help me understand what you've awoken inside of me. Tell me that someone made this decision for you. Tell me that Snoke has been controlling you throughout this whole confrontation. Tell me that I can still trust you, Kylo. I need to know." Cara said, desperation clear in her voice.
"Desperation is not in your nature, Cara." He said, calling back memories of what had now become simpler times.
"Sometimes desperation is all a person has, Kylo. Please, I need to know. I need to know you're not a monster."
"During all this time, have you ever thought I was a monster? Have you ever truly backed away from me in fear, never wanting me to come back to you?" He asked her, and the strength in his voice was disconcerting yet comforting at the same time – it both indicated the enormity of his power and told her that he would still be okay, no matter what happened next.
"I will take your silence as a no, Cara. You need to understand that I did this because I had to make a choice. A choice that will affect your decisions as well."
"I cannot believe that this was of your own free will. Han was right; Snoke is manipulating you somehow. He has to be manipulating you somehow."
He did not answer; instead, he moved his hands to the sides of his face, cupping her own hands in his grip, pulling them away from his head, entwining her fingers in between his own. Once he was free, he moved his gaze towards the platform where Rey and Finn had been standing before, and she knew that he was about to leave to go after them.
"You knew,'' she heard herself whisper, 'you knew that I was helping Rey. That is why you had your lightsaber pulled out when you came to speak with me in the corridor." She said, feeling stupid for not having realized it earlier.
"Of course I knew. I know you better than you know yourself. I knew that you could not resist helping someone you deemed innocent, even if you had no idea of the repercussions of your actions. But I did not harm you, or punish you in anyway, because I believe in you, Cara. I believe in what we can be together."
"If you had truly believed in me you would not have felt the need to have your lightsaber ready when confronting me in the first place." She practically yelled, her emotions and anger finally taking its toll on her sanity.
"I believe in you well enough, Cara. I know that you know this." He let go of her hands, standing up, beating his fist against his wound as he did so. It was a sickening sight, and Cara could feel her stomach churn as she watched his actions. He looked down at her, moving his other hand through her hair lovingly. So lovingly, in fact, that she could feel herself leaning into his palm, unable to stop her reaction to his touch.
"I don't know if I can still believe that." She whispered, feeling as though all her strength was leaving her body for the last time.
He moved his hand under her chin, just as he had done before, forcing her to look into his eyes as he spoke.
"I will be back for you, Cara. You can believe that I will never abandon you. Ever again." He said, and he beat his fist against his wound once more, before striding down the bridge and out of sight, leaving her alone in a room rigged with explosives, unable to decide what she would do next.
A/N: A different time then I usually update, but I hope it was worth the wait. To Guest User Blue Angel, a happy belated birthday! I'm sorry that I couldn't get this chapter to you yesterday, but I hope that you can enjoy it as a late birthday present. Thanks for all the lovely and extensive reviews you've left me so far, I'm always curious to know what you think. As always, thank you to everyone for reading, and I hope to get the next chapter to you soon!