CT: TheFreelancerSeal, your suggestion for this parody has reminded me of a question that has been bugging ever since I first played "Apollo Justice": How has Winston Payne been able to keep his job for so long? He acts like a weenie, dresses like a weenie, came up with a horrible name for a weenie, and has lost nearly every case we've seen him prosecute. In fact, his only successful case was Maggey's bogus trial that led to the events of "Recipe for Turnabout" that Tigre was intentionally trying to lose. Granted, every prosecutor we've seen in the series has lost at least once, but Winston constantly loses to attorneys who have absolutely no experience. As for Gaspen, since his first appearance is in "Dual Destinies", we have absolutely no idea of how long he was working at the L.A. Prosecutor's Office. He could have been working there for about a year, as my wonderful cowriter believes, or he could have been there for about as long as Winston and was just as unnoticeable. Though no matter how long Gaspen was working in the same building as Edgeworth, I think we can all agree that he was nothing but a real Payne and that he wasn't fired soon enough.
JP: Kudos to my friend and loyal reader for this choice of (obscure) tune/flick, as I'd never heard of either till now, but not only is it unique it's also pretty creepy seeing as how it's a song by a bunch of Weasel characters… And who better to fit the role than Tweedle Screechy and Tweedle Slimy? Props to my partner for purposefully encompassing the hilarious Payne Edgeworth endured witnessing this duet!
"How We Stick Around"
Sung to the tune of "Secret of Survival (in a Very Nasty World)"
from Disney'sThe Wind in the Willows
["You wanted to see me, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth?" Gaspen nervously asks as a police officer escorts him into the courthouse lobby after his failed attempt to flee the building.]
["Yes." Edgeworth curtly responds with crossed arms. "I want to talk to you about-"]
["Hello, Gaspen. Sorry I'm late." Winston states, inadvertently cutting off his superior as he walks into the building. "Traffic was a nightmare, and Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth has been bogging me down with work and being a real pain in my - Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, fancy seeing you here! Is that a new cravat you're wearing?" The older Payne brother asks with his hands folded together and an anxious smile on his face when he notices the maroon-cladded prosecutor's presence and tries to make up for the comment he was about to utter.]
["What are you doing here, Winston?" Edgeworth sighs in exasperation at the fact that he now has to deal with double the Payne.]
["I knew that my brother had a trial today. So I figured that after he was done, we could go out for lunch. Care to join us, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth?" Winston confidently asks as he taps his forehead.]
["As much as I would love to give you a snide remark about how I'd rather do anything else, Winston, I currently have more pressing matters to attend to in the form of your brother's performance- namely, his use of forged evidence in court and how he ruthlessly badgers witnesses."]
["Objection!" Gaspen hisses. "Sometimes it's necessary to get a guilty verdict by any means possible. Look at what Wright did with Gavin last year."]
["I agree with my brother, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth." Winston chimes in. "I was there when Mr. Wright manipulated his attorney to use forged evidence to save himself and convict Mr. Gavin. So if you want to punish my brother, you should also punish Mr. Wright."]
["I could spend hours discussing how Wright's use of forged evidence is entirely different, but I digress…" Edgeworth states as he adjusts his glasses. "Even when you utilize fake evidence and seriously stack trials in your favor, Gaspen, you still somehow manage to lose almost as often as your brother, who has never used questionable tactics even once during his career. In fact, after reviewing your work history for the last ten years, I discovered that you've actually lost more cases than him!" The maroon-cladded prosecutor exclaims. "How you two are still prosecutors after all of these years is beyond me."]
["Well…" Gaspen smirks.]
{Gaspen and Winston}
First you face us,
Then you don't.
Want a rematch?
We think you won't.
That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.
Facing rookies,
That's our choice,
And when they lose,
We rejoice.
That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.
That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.
["Seriously?" Edgeworth asks with a look of disdain on his face. "Are your jobs really so challenging that you have to stoop that low?"]
["They are indeed that tough, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth…" Gaspen smirks as he taps his toupee.]
{Gaspen and Winston}
Tougher than anything you could know.
{Gaspen}
At the trial's start,
To its very end
{Winston}
Bluffing attorneys,
Around every bend
{Gaspen and Winston}
Eager to object,
Ruining your case while putting on a show.
{Gaspen}
If we don't do what we do,
Then how are we supposed to grow?
{Gaspen and Winston}
Every prosecutor in court's got to watch out for themselves.
We don't have loyal lackeys or assistants who'll help us excel,
When we're in the courtroom,
Where everyone makes our lives a living hell when they scream at us and yell!
First you face us,
Then you don't.
Want a rematch?
We think you won't.
That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.
Facing rookies,
That's our choice,
And when they lose,
We rejoice.
That's how we stick around,
That's how we stick around,
That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office!
["I look forward to your next month's salary assessment." Edgeworth coldly states, not wasting any time or pulling any punches as he glowers at the younger Payne brother, prompting the toupee-wearing prosecutor to reel back in shock.]
["Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Please forgive meeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Gaspen shrieks as he sprints out of the courthouse while trying his hardest to keep his toupee from flying off his head.]
["Gaspen, wait for me!" Winston screams as he chases after his brother.]
[Not long after the Payne brothers flee from the courthouse, the police officer who had escorted Gaspen to the Chief Prosecutor speaks up.]
["Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, don't forget that you have an interview with a reporter in Defendant Lobby Two."]
["Thank you, officer. Hopefully, they won't be as much of a Payne to talk to." Edgeworth sneers with outstretched arms.]
Dual (because you know, we're a duet!) shout out of thanks and replies to the following awesomesauce readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!
Chapter 34
Forgreatcoffee
CT: Unlike the common definition of 'screwing' someone, which is to mess with them, Shelly's probably refers to the act of swiftly killing the person in question with a screwdriver by stabbing them once in the jugular.
JP: If you mean by screwing you mean literally having a rusty screwdriver be stuck between your shoulder blades when you're least expecting it then yes Shelly would definitely fit the bill! As for your request from Aladdin, that seems to be a pretty popular Disney movie for reader songfic choices, and will definitely see what we can do! :-)
JusticeforNoOne
CT: Oddly enough, even though he's a coldblooded assassin and kidnapped Maya, I've never seen Shelly as a villain. On the contrary, I view him as an antihero- more specifically, a dark-version of Phoenix. Granted, Phoenix and Shelly's careers are very different, but both men put complete trust in their clients and do everything in their power to protect them… that is, unless said client betrays that trust, in which case they're screwed. Not to mention, Shelly is polite and in no way antagonistic towards anyone who hasn't personally wronged him, making it where he comes off as the kind of guy who's just doing his job and nothing more.
Now don't laugh when I say this, but my overall favorite case in the series is "Recipe for Turnabout". Even though Jean Armstrong haunts my nightmares to this day, the investigations were pretty straightforward, the testimonies were entertaining and didn't pull any punches, and Tigre, despite his 'roar first, punch second' mentality, was actually quite a cunning villain. Sure, Tigre's no Luke Atmey or the Mastermind from "Investigations 2", but he would have been able to get away with his murder if it wasn't for Phoenix doing some quick thinking at the last second with the ear medicine.
Though when it comes to plot-important cases, "The Forgotten Turnabout" is my preferred choice since we see just how close Edgeworth and Kay are as friends, in addition to seeing Sebastian finally being put in his place thanks to Franziska's whip and gaining some much-needed character development thanks to his father's sharp forked tongue. Furthermore, since Blaise is my favorite villain in the series, I can't help but love the case where he's first introduced and serves as the primary antagonist.
JP: I like to think of Shelley as the Deadpool of the Ace Attorney series… An antihero like my copilot's side. Yes he is calculating and ruthless but I'd like to think he will only kill those who deserve it and I cling to my headcanon that he was the one who snipered Vader helmet hair in Dual Destinies!
I did enjoy The Jungle Book because it was one of the few times the main protagonist was a female and I did like seeing how they Disney's take on an ethnic character/background. My favourite case in the series would definitely be Turnabout Time Traveler just because it was Phaya heaven, the old gang was back together (Larry's character assassination and regression notwithstanding!) And it was also Wrightworth Bromantic heaven! Big top is up there with Turnabout storyteller as least favourite in the series… If you count the Miles games that last battle against a withered tree in the last case of the first game was quite painful! Ugh!
Chapter 35
Forgreatcoffee
JP: Iris Hawthorne is a really good textbook example of nurture versus nature sure they both stem from Lady Macbeth of a mother but being raised by a nun definitely makes her worthy of that angelic face which is wasted on her Satan's succubus twin, even if the character is generally as bland as a political potatoes! However, I'd like to think that the beauty could team even the most way word shield womanizer is like the Butz, seeing as how she's one of the only women in the series who never actually turned him down upon hearing of his ardor, but just express genuine bewilderment upon hearing it! As for your request… I love beauty and the beast and I have a great idea in mind for Be Our Guest! J
CT: Sure, Larry's intelligence is often very questionable, but if he has one thing going in his favor, it's that he puts 110% into making any potential relationships work. Heck, he was contemplating robbing Gumshoe so he could be sent to jail and be with Iris. The only thing Larry does wrong when it comes to his romantic relationships is usually targeting women who are either already taken or are shallow, immature, and will dump him the second they find something- or in Donna's case, someone- better. Thankfully, Iris, despite her overall bland character, is nothing.
TheFreelancerSeal
JP: when you keep saying you have a soft centre I just keep thinking of those ritual commercials about how many licks does it take to get to the centre Tootsie pop with its sweet soft centre? :p
Jokes aside, I am very touched whenever people start shipping a couple like FedEx based on my works, and as long as Phoenix isn't shipped with her since I staunchly insist he belongs of Maya, I really don't mind Iris, especially after writing her. Larry is a complete buffoon and the occasional blight on the face of humanity, but I really think he wouldn't screw out that he actually landed a good woman who wasn't a vapid model, even though she is definitely as pretty as one. Thank you so much for the kind words my friend I hope you enjoyed this latest request of yours!
CT: Before I started reading JP's Larris works, I was the same way. When it came to shipping Larry, I couldn't see anything more than him getting a pity date with Franziska after weeks of begging and groveling. But when I first saw JP shipping him with Iris in "Turnabout Everlasting", I saw how the relationship could work. After all, if a woman is willing to date Larry, she has to have the patience of a saint and a high threshold for drama. So who better to fill that role than a nun whose mother is Morgan and whose twin sister is Dahlia?
DJJ680
JP: If you have read my hilarious copilot's Imperial Daddy there is a certain scene about Inga's specific birthday celebrations which I shamelessly used in Filling the Void which inspired me to create mood music by YouTube superstar, Epic Sax Guy, serenading him on saxophone to the tune of Careless Whisper while the background b-day"festivities" ran wild - although the setting was nowhere near as sweet and sappy as this one! Great minds think alike! XD
CT: Knowing Larry, "Careless Whisper" has played in his head whenever he met a girl that he thought was even remotely cute. So suffice to say, Larry is probably so familiar with that song that it might as well be his brain's equivalent to elevator music.
Joeclone
JP: I really do love writing this duo, and I did make a few fairytale parallels to their love story in Turnabout Everlasting, with Cinderella when he was tending to her ankle, but more accurately Rapunzel, since she was pretty much secluded away as a nun the same way the poor Princess was stuck in her remote tower only to be rescued by her lovesick fool/bard! The Ace Attorney cast is so amazing I love giving everybody their happily ever after!
CT: That's one thing that I love about my wonderful co-writer- even though she feels that Iris has about as much personality as saltine cracker that was sitting out in the hot sun all day, she manages to give her such a cute fairytale-esque romance with Larry. And considering that Larry was so desperate for love that he was actively helping a newly-married bride escape from the police in the hopes that she would run away with him, JP gave him some much-deserved happiness as well.
chloemcg
JP: it's wonderful that you're keeping up with the parodies milady, I look forward to seeing what you come up with, and I know it's been a while since we last posted a song, but I am finally winding down and getting sorted my crazy schedule with its new hours so I will be able to have more frequency, and your request is definitely in the pipeline of soon to come! Glad to know you appreciate a good romance… You're one of my few female readers as most my reviewers to my work tend to be males which is always pleasantly surprising considering almost exclusively Wright romance! Hail to our fluffy socks diehard romantic readers male and female!
CT: You're right on the money regarding the mastermind behind "My Beautiful Iris". I may thrive when it comes to villain songs, but JP is the queen of romantic fluff. If I was tasked with writing even a single chapter of something akin to "Turnabout Everlasting", you might as well just throw me in a vat of acid, because that level of cuteness and love without any form of negativity would kill me… or at the very least, cause me to break out in a bad case of hives and/or burst into flames.
Regarding your "Out There" parody suggestion, we are indeed working on it. But to avoid spoiling just what exactly it entails, I'll give you a little hint: if you liked "My Beautiful Iris", then you'll be pleased with it.
Muhammad S
JP: AJ, while being the redheaded stepchild of the AA universe for most part, gave us some deplorable characters who were not traditional villains (as in not killed anything but my sanity) like Drew Misham, Zak Gramarye and Fox Boy – except all but the latter of the 3 got what was coming to them, so I hold a secret hate boner for that douche canoe!
You wanna talk food weirdness? All of these were foods offered at the Canadian national exhibition (and were featured as REAL FOOD people PAID to eat in my Phaya one-shot: My Life Would Suck Without You)
*A fried, pig-ear sandwich, topped with maple bacon, cheddar cheese, and chipotle aioli
*A sweet potato tart topped with bacon, (naturally), and a warm marshmallow in the center
*A Philly Steaklair: a traditional cheese-steak sandwich stuffed into a classic French éclair, topped with chocolate icing and whipped cream
*The comically, yet wholly inappropriately named Threesome Burger. It had the flavors from Canada, Italy and Greece come together in one over-the-top burger: Canadian mac and cheese, Italian meatballs and Greek fries packed on top of a meaty patty, with feta cheese and bacon adding the final touches.
*Chocolate Diablo Waffle Cone: a spicy sundae, made with wasabi peas and Sriracha caramel.
This year – Hong Kong French toast – deep fried cheese curds, peanut butter, condensed milk and slab of butter and a S'mores fried chicken sandwich! (yes chocolate and marshmallows on a fried chicken cutlet!)
As for Larris – they're more believable if you pretend Larry's character regression in Time Traveler never happened. Hey, DLC ain't canon usually anyway, Wright? :p
CT: Considering how confident in his manipulation abilities Simon is, coupled with how much he wanted to capitalize on one of his most powerful enemies giving a speech at Gourd Lake, I believe he would have taken that deal thinking that he wouldn't make the same mistakes that Matt did. Plus, if Simon tried to break Dogen out of prison, he'd run the risk of alerting Roland to his plans, which would prompt her to tell Blaise and Huang, making it where they would become truly untouchable.
When it comes to detectives in the series, Luke Atmey hardly counts since he was a self-proclaimed detective whose accomplishments were entirely rigged. That's like saying that Barnham is one of the best prosecutors in the series because of his impressive win record in Labyrinthia. Though speaking of detectives, I believe that perhaps Badd did recognize Edgeworth's last name, but since Miles was essentially Manfred von Karma Jr. in terms of attitude, ethics, and attire, the veteran detective pretended not to know the last name in order to cope with the pain of seeing Gregory's legacy being dragged through the mud.
Considering that Maya- at age 28 and after dealing with so many trials and tribulations- boasted that she was able to get burgers and a t.v. out of Inga when he held her captive, then I can only imagine the kinds of horrors Shelly had to endure. That's why I personally believe that Shelly only starved Maya to get her to stop complaining after she repeatedly snubbed the perfectly good vegetables that he'd give her, in addition to her calling him a geezer when he refused to let her watch cartoons and/or watch them with her.
There may still be hope yet for Larry to find love canonically since he caught the bouquet in "Turnabout Time Traveler"… that is, if Maya, Ema, and Athena didn't kill him.