I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

Things change. I hated Blight once. I pitied Blight once. But now, I just understand him. We are alike now. I still pick on him, I'm still rough and brash with him; but there's no venom underneath it—or at least not like it was.

Our days continue, and more and more Blight's words weigh on my mind. I still have Ivan. I still have him. He's still mine! My heart rejoices at the thought of it, and my heart hasn't ever been one to rejoice much. We don't rejoice in District 7.

So I move like a phantom through my life. And in remarkably short time, the human part of me begins to exist again. I have lost so much, but Ivan is here with me still. I don't' know how long it will last—how long I will be allowed to be happy with him…to love him in my limited way, in the limited way a Victor can. I love him with every fiber of my being, that hasn't changed. What has changed is that my being isn't as much anymore, I'm less but my love for him is not.

My body comes alive. Food feels like it's more than just sustenance that I don't really want to eat. I can taste things again. It's no longer a betrayal for my stomach to growl at the smell of it. I can feel cold again, I mean it actually registers—not that it's cold. It's unbearably hot right now.

And then I start feeling the thing I've missed so much. It's deep ache in the pit of my being. It comes on so suddenly and is gone so quickly that at first I don't think it's real. Things can't be normal can they?

But more and more, I feel it. He comes home and as he gives me a quick kiss hello the fire burns under my skin. The tingling spreads from where his lips touch me to the tips of my fingers and toes. Somehow, somehow…I am alive again. This is a feeling I know well. It is something I have always associated with just Ivan. It is an urge as old as the earth. It is the hot flames of desire spreading out of my body because I want him.

The realization is so sudden that it leaves me breathless. I had thought that I would never…feel the urge to be with him again after what I've done. I try to fight it. I tell myself I'm not ready—I don't deserve to be happy. But all my excuses fall hollow on my tongue.

I have been home for eight weeks. Ivan has been holding me again in bed for only the past two weeks, but it feels so natural now. I feel that stirring for more, but I'm too afraid to act on it and I know he won't because he doesn't want to push me.

It's the hottest day of the year as I walk around the district. People try to talk to me, but I don't respond. I overpay for stuff and ignore them when they try to be honest and tell me. I think maybe they understand that I'm protecting them, or maybe they just don't care that I'm shutting them out. They have never loved me like they loved my grandmother, Mara, Sven, Greta, or Liam.

I find my typical spot in the woods. It's late Saturday evening and everyone is done working. I sit there beneath the tree eating my over-priced loaf of bread and cookies. I've discovered that I have a particular fondness for cookies and barely a day goes by without me buying at least one now, though usually I buy much more than that.

The dappled sunshine sifts through the trees as I sit there. It's pleasant to not have to think about anything in particular and be bothered by no one. There are no memories of this particular spot for me, it's new since I've been home. It has now become a place of solace.

A crack of thunder echoes across the space, and I grab up my bag of treats and take to running. It's a thing you learn in District 7, at the first warning sign run or you'll get soaked. As I dart in and out of the trees on the way back to my new house, I can't help but have flashbacks of the heavily wooded arena. The adrenaline is surging in me and I almost want to feel the axe in my hand again. It would bring me the control I missed. My body is sweating, and I'm running faster. I'm not in the arena. I'm not in the arena. I have to keep reminding myself. Aeon is not coming for me. I am okay.

As I break through the trees into the already empty streets, the rain starts to pour down on me. It's blinding, I can hardly see two feet in front me running. It feels good to run, to stretch my muscles again since the games. I slow down at my door and fumble with the knob to get in. I'm standing there, dripping wet when Ivan steps into the hall.

He smiles warmly at me, and I feel that hot, aching, burning monster in me again. This is not the arena. I don't have to remind myself of it. This feeling had no place there, it only has a place with him.

Before I can think, before I can talk myself out of, I am crashing into him. My wet body is melding into his and my feverish lips are impatient. My clothes are thin, but even that material is too much between us. My fingers are fumbling at his shirt as his hand moves up my back beneath my shirt. I arch to him with a loud moan. He responds by pulling me harder to him, his breath hot against my face.

I can't undo the buttons. It's infuriating me, teasing me when I've realized now that I want him no matter what might happen later. Because I love him, and that will not change. I push away from him, but he's trying to pull me back. Quickly, I rip his shirt open. The buttons pop off, ricocheting and fall to the ground as I watch his chest heave in an effort to breathe.

"Are you sure?" Want is clearly on his face, his dark brown eyes look into mine. Those eyes say how much he loves me, how much he wants me, how much I can't live without him…

His hand is gentle on my face as I lean into him. I'm shaking, "Shut up." I say it brusquely, because I don't trust my voice to say anything else. I pull myself back to him, gripping the sides of his open shirt as my legs wind their way around his waist.

When we touch it's like fire. Ever part of my body burns in pure ecstasy. His hands are tugging at the hem of my shirt. I pull my face away from his and raise my arms as he slides my shirt over my head with one swift motion. He buries his face in my heaving breasts as I wrap my arms back around his neck. My head is thrown back as my eyes roll in the pleasure of his lips.

But that doesn't last long enough. I unwind my legs and jump off of him. My fingers are unbuttoning my pants and then I'm out of them in no time. He's reaching for me, but I'm laughing and running up the stairs to our room. I can hear his laughter behind me he's flying up behind me.

Ivan catches me in the doorway, and throws me down on the bed—his body a tantalizing inch above my chest and face. But we are touching in other areas….My fingers slide down his chest as his brown eyes stare into mine unblinking. I run the tip of my finger under the waist band of his pants as he groans in pleasure. Slowly, I unzip his pants as he's looking into my eyes. Then with impatience he pulls them off, and as my back arches up to him my bra is undone. As one, we slide off the reminder of the other's clothes.

He moves against me gently like this is our first time again. He's slow and maddening. His lips run down my collarbone…to my stomach…back to my breasts. I try to take over—to try to kiss down his body like he is mine but he stops me. He brushes back the short strands of hair, "No…" He says it gently but firmly. "I want to show you how I've missed you. How bad I've wanted you. I want to let you feel everything I've had to hold inside of me since you left—I want you feel how much I've wanted you back all this time. Just let me, do this for you."

Those clear eyes look into mine, the dark brown eyes that compliment the dark brown hair. I run my fingers over his hard muscles as I nod my head. I've controlled everything about us for so long—if I would live or die, if he could touch me or kiss me. Tonight, he wants control. He wants to show me how much he's missed me, how much he loves me.

His lips move down my skin, leaving hot and tingling trails behind them.

Pleasure can feel like hours and minutes, eternity and only a brief second. You can want it to end because you're thirsty or hungry and you can want it to never end because a different kind of thirst—a different kind of thirst feels like it will never ever be satisfied. He pleasures me until I don't think I can take it anymore. All memories of anything that happened to me in Capitol or in the Games has faded away. The only thing that exists is us and now.

Our bodies meld into one. Our motions are fluid, are feelings are the same—connected. We don't' feel separately or act separately. We are simply one. And each time we finish, we start again. Because the need is so much more than we have ever felt. It's more important than anything so paltry as food or water. But there comes a time that we have to be satiated no matter how much we want to go on.

And so like all good things, it has to end. But the good doesn't, as I curl up next to him. I am safe. I am happy. I am in love. I am with Ivan. For the first time in a long time, everything is okay.