Here is the next update. Don't forget to review; it's what's keeping me going!
And I was just wondering… if there are any guys/men/dudes/gentlemen/homies reading this, then could you tell me? I was wondering if there were any people of the male type who read my story. Just out of interest
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Sppfff (a frustrated noise).
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Previously…
I noticed a corner of the vent cover was not stuck properly onto the wall… and then saw a little flash of white. My curiously roused, I snapped the cover off, and reached my hand inside the small hole. My fingers felt paper, and I pulled my hand back to see an envelope.
It had my name on it.
Edward's POV
Edward, the neat handwriting said, in its small and straight letters. My heart warmed a couple of degrees involuntarily as I recognised the writing. Bella.
I had to write this. I couldn't keep it to myself any longer.
I felt a frown knotting my marble forehead into a worried line. What is this? I thought, something she couldn't tell me? I leant back to sit on the toilet seat, smoothing out the paper on my thigh.
Edward, it's a secret I never meant to have told you. I never even meant to have a secret in the first place, but I couldn't ignore my feelings. When you first met me, that day when you saved my life… I was going to kill myself, and now I'll tell you the reason. I was in love- truly, deeply and madly in love. In love so much that every breath hurt and every heartbeat was like another wasted moment without him. In love so much that there was no return to normality, and no release.
He didn't love me back. He hated every particle of my body, every metre of space I took up, and every word that came from my lips. He hated me to the depths of his heart. He told me it was like a gunshot to his head whenever I entered the room.
So, I decided that a life without him wasn't worth living. There was no purpose, no lighting beacon to show me the way home. And that's why I took the knife, intending to spill my lifeblood in the alleyway.
And then you came into my life, like a bolt of lightning. You changed everything. But then you stuck around with me, and after a while, you began to feel like a gash that wouldn't heal, or like a throbbing pulse behind a bruise.
I was foolish and stupid, and I hope you will forgive me for being a naïve child then. Like a hero is revered and admired, I looked up to you. It seemed like you had reached me just in time by some sort of magic, and I was in awe of that. Everything you said was right, everything you believed became my belief too. I was transfixed. I was infatuated.
It was only after a while, when you began to long for greater things than friendship and a couple of kisses, that my feelings clamoured out to be heard, and it began to feel wrong. Whenever you touched me or kissed me… my body was betraying my heart. The deep-rooted human lust that we feel shows us that we are not that different from animals. We are born, we mate, and then we die. I wanted something different. I wanted something more. I wanted love.
I hate to admit it, Edward, but I was scared. I was scared of commitment; I was scared of tying myself to you for life. And these feelings alone- had I not felt the sense of wrong in my heart- would have kept me from you. If I had stayed and married you, then I would have been betraying God and betraying you. I had to get out- I couldn't stick it any longer.
I wish things could have been different. I tried Edward, I really did. But I can't feel anything more than friendship towards you. You were my knight in shining armour that night, but you aren't my prince.
Bella.
The paper fluttered from my fingertips to the cold, hard floor of the toilets.
As the deafening hum of the hand dryer buzzed like thousands of bees in my ears, I felt my peace and happiness shatter against the knife of misery and sorrow. A wave had broken over my head, and come smashing down upon me. Millions of tonnes of water, pressing against me, trapping me…
I became waterlogged- the levels rose- but I couldn't keep my head above the water. I was drowning, gasping for air, stranded like a whale on a beach…
…and piece by piece, the shard of despair cut deeper into my breaking heart.