Ano Hito no Jijō (That Person's Circumstances)
by
Saddletank
Chapter Thirty Six – Days Of Wonder #2: Body Boarding Babe
Little surfer, little one,
Made my heart come all undone.
Do you love me, do you surfer girl?
Surfer girl, my little surfer girl.
I have watched you on the shore, - Beach Boys, Surfer Girl
Standing by the ocean's roar.
Do you love me, do you surfer girl?
Surfer girl, surfer girl.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Two or three days later, very early in the morning, he phoned again.
Something made me wonder about these two and three day gaps.
What did he get up to on his own? Was he on his own? Who was he with?
"Ohayo!" he was full of sunshine as usual.
"Moshimoshi!"
"Right, today are you free?"
"I am, what's happening? Are we going to do homework together?"
There was a strange noise on the other end of the line that sounded remarkably like vomiting.
"Ah… well… homework. I have a better idea."
"Let me guess. It involves minimal amounts of clothing, yes?"
"Well, my gorgeous little lady, I won't disappoint. I know you think I'm some sort of luuurve monster whose entire life revolves around nudity and mmm… debauchery so no longer will I beat about the bush… today is beach day. You're gonna get to see the real me, in all my body boarding glory. I know a great beach at Kamakura."(1)
Hm, how much physical contact would be involved here?
I was on my guard at once.
Oh, well, I thought. I had to confront and overcome these demons one day, there was no percentage in hanging around for weeks pretending I'd sorted myself out. I was in a good mood too, my period had just ended for another month and I was always on a bit of a high when all that grotty stuff was over with for a few weeks.
Plus I'd just had a good couple of days of studying when I had wanted to swim but hadn't been able to so I deserved a break.
"Okay, I suppose it had to happen one day. Let's get it over with then. Just make sure it's a nice busy beach. I don't want you taking me miles to some isolated little cove where no-one will hear my screams."
"Screams of pleasure."
"I was thinking more of screams of horror as you undress, but sure, whatever. As you wish."
"And please don't wear your nuclear fallout safety suit, hm?"
"We'll see. I'm not promising anything. Do I need to bring anything?"
"Just your delicious firm body. And a towel. I'm taking some boards and a picnic. Can you be at Musashi-Kosugi station by nine?"
Firm? Did he just describe me as firm? Was my face going pink already?
"I can, but I'd better get going now."
"Sure – see you then."
All the time while getting dressed I was chuckling to myself.
Firm…?
- - - oOo - - -
The whole of Tokyo seemed to be on holiday. The big wide flat Kamakura beach was crowded. It's not until you see several miles of beach a half mile deep packed end to end with bodies that you get an idea of how vast a city Tokyo is.
And this didn't include the millions still back there keeping the economy turning.
It's a big place is Tokyo.
Asaba found us a spot and hired a beach umbrella.
We lay out towels and he put down his plastic coolbox and got us some nice cold cans out. We sat in the shade and drank.
Lovely. Despite the crowds, lovely.
"Well, come on then."
He stood up and dropped his shorts and pulled his shirt over his head.
Yeah, alright, so I watched. So bite me.
It's funny, seeing him indoors at the pool wasn't anything special at all. But here on the sand, in the sunshine and with the sea nearby and all the smells of the ocean and the feel of the wind, the natural elements worked together to add something lacking from chlorine-scented indoor swimming and undressing.
Well, okay, first thing is at the pool you undress separately in changing rooms. Seeing him strip in front of me certainly was a part of the whole thing. It was an animal thing, a base nature thing wasn't it?
It's the difference between seeing a tiger in a cage at a zoo sitting there looking bored out of it's head and seeing TV footage of one hunting in Africa rushing through the grass and ripping an antelope to pieces or something.
Sure, it's exactly the same animal but in the two sets of circumstances there is no comparison.
If Asaba was cute in the city, in a swimming pool, or as Urban Boy in his hoodie and baseball cap, then that was Caged Tiger Asaba.
Today I met someone else.
I don't think you need all the details do you?
Let me just say that by the time he was down to his swim shorts and standing there holding a board and urging me to come with him into the water, a passing of… what? Thirty seconds? I had come round to really regretting wearing one of the bikinis he'd bought me. Because I felt he might actually see the instant changes his undressing and standing there had caused in my body.
It really was that bad. There he was, Antelope Ripping Asaba.
I've never before wanted so much to be an antelope.
I sat there, wanting him.
That's all I can say to describe that sensation.
Oh, Maho…
I'm betraying you…
How can I love you yet feel…
…this?
I wanted his eyes on me, his hands on me.
I was confused.
"Come on, sleepyhead, get with it. I've shown you mine, now show me yours."
There was no escaping this was there?
And guilty as I felt.
As though I was betraying Maho.
I did it. It took a lot of effort. I was stupid, I made it worse than it need have been.
"Don't watch me!"
My voice had taken on a strange squeaky tone, as though it's owner might be veering on the bladder releasing side of panic.
"Why not? You watched me."
"I didn't!"
"You did. I saw you."
"Please, you're embarrassing me."
"Good."
He grinned and stood there, hands on hips, his board tucked under one arm, feet planted apart, waiting.
"Damn you, Asaba, you're horrible sometimes."
"If it's so horrible, you stay there dressed and I'll go swim."
But despite my bright pink face a part of me wanted this.
He was in control of the situation, the conversation. I was…
…there's that word again…
…submissive.
God, it's such a dirty word isn't it?
But how it excites me.
I'm submissive. I like to submit. Let me submit to you.
Uurrgh…! Inwardly I growled, a growl of both annoyance at my own silliness.
And of excitement.
Him making fun of me and making me awkward and embarrassed and feeling silly.
I liked it.
That was it.
I enjoyed being treated this way.
I'm weirder than I thought.
Wanting this, wanting his eyes on me, wanting to be his antelope, I got up off my towel.
He stood, calmly watching.
"Well, you're no gentleman are you?"
"Nope." He smiled again, enjoying this.
I undid the stud on my shorts and pulled the zipper down. They were a good fit. I had to wiggle a lot to get them off my hips.
And as I wiggled, of course, everything else wobbled.
Hm, it was getting worse and worse.
Antelope, antelope…
The shorts came down, I stepped out of them, threw them behind me on the towel.
Next, the worst bit.
The tee shirt.
There was only one thing for it.
Cross my arms in front, grab the hem and lift.
I didn't do it deliberately slowly.
Well, not much.
The shirt came off over my head. I dropped that with the shorts.
I looked at him.
"Here."
He held out the second board. I took it and slipped the wrist strap on.
"Let's go! Race you!"
"No way!"
He set off at a run.
So… what happened there then?
Where was the big scene where he ogled my body and made all the pervy lewd comments?
What?
Anticlimax.
I was…
I was… what? Disappointed? Was I really?
Oh, my.
I am weird.
I adjusted the black and yellow striped bikini to make sure everything was in and where it should be and that I was as covered as much as this silly little thing that's supposed to be a swim suit would cover me and walked after him.
Absolutely no way on this earth was I running.
It was a big beach, as I said. It felt like it was about five miles to the water.
And with every step I felt men's eyes on me.
Urh, it was like being a model on a catwalk, only not being paid. Not that I'd really want to be paid to have dozens of disgusting men look at me.
Oh, well. Stomach in, chest out, head up. Might as well give them something to look at.
- - - oOo - - -
Ninety minutes later.
It was a ten mile walk back.
Stuff you, you pervs. Look if you like, that's all you're getting.
Back on the towels.
I was exhausted.
Damn, that was good.
Ten pin bowling I may be rubbish at. Dancing I may be totally clueless. Trig, algebra and Classical Japanese you can take those and shove them wherever you like.
But me and water… well, that works. It works very well.
It was brilliant.
Body boarding is fantastic. Such a rush when you get a wave right.
I think I might want to even try proper surfing.
There was nothing to it, I picked it up on my third or fourth wave.
After fifteen or twenty minutes I think I was seeing the good waves earlier than Asaba was. I could swim out faster and further than him and catch them as they swelled and began. Jump aboard, paddle, line up, check behind, feel the swell lift and begin to roll.
And go.
Yeah, no problem.
It was great.
Great surf here. Waves all the way from the Philippines I think.
Asaba was pretty good too. But no bragging, honestly, given a few days I think I could be better than him.
Secretly I think he was more into the posing side of the sport.
The après ski, to horribly abuse a metaphor.
He plopped down beside me, leaned back on his hands.
Rivulets of water trickled down his chest, his flanks.
"Whoo-hoo! That was good."
"Yeah. Arigato! I really enjoyed that."
"So, you like body boarding then? I've sold you on it have I?"
"Oh, yeah, brilliant. But your technique you know… it could be improved."
He frowned at me. I smiled back.
"When you jump on, you tend to pull the board towards you a little, you pull it back so it starts on the wave slope stationary. You need to push off more aggressively with your legs, push the board with you so that as soon as you're on, you're already accelerating."
"I'm sorry, I didn't see any experts wander up dressed like you and take your place just then."
"You weren't paying attention then," I grinned, "No, seriously, try it next time, when you jump, push the board away rather than pull it towards you."
"I should have known, you and water, that you'd get the hang of it."
"Thank you very much for bringing me. It's great here."
"Beats homework then?"
I thought hard.
"Not if you were studying with me, that would be just as much fun."
"You're very odd."
"Well, I like being with you, so I must be. I'm hungry, what's in the box?"
Under the shade of the parasol we sat cross-legged and ate and drank. Lots of mineral water. I was gasping.
I watched him from time to time.
His skin was amazing, the colour of toffee and smooth and shiny like toffee too.
I wonder if it tasted of…?
Mine on the other hand was the colour of pastry. Bleurgh.
You know, I don't think I have ever sunbathed before.
And do you know, he hardly looked at me at all. I was expecting him to let his eyes wander all over the place, but when he looked at me he looked right in my eyes. That horrible walk down the beach, all the guys were staring at my chest and my crotch but Asaba didn't do that. To him I was a person.
And that was really nice.
That was maybe the nicest part of that nice day.
While we'd been in the sea, when he'd talked to me he talked to me. Not to my breasts.
Of course I didn't have eyes in the back of my head and couldn't watch him all the time. And of course I was guilty of looking at him sometimes, but even so, again I felt he was a really nice guy. A gentleman. Trustworthy.
Earlier on with the undressing thing, I think that had all been just a game, a bit of fun. He wasn't really a pervy sex-fiend, he just liked to play it like he was.
- - - oOo - - -
And it was because he was such a nice guy that I began to feel guilty.
What was I doing here?
Using him.
That's all.
He was just a distraction to me, something to occupy my mind to save me going insane thinking about her.
And that wasn't really fair was it?
And yet.
Something else now.
Something really earthy and basic.
The old tiger and antelope business.
And especially that hot unnecessary feeling – that desire to submit.
Yes, I like him. Yes, he's fun. Yes, he's kind.
And yes…
I think…
I want him.
This isn't friendship is it Sakana?
No.
Well. I suppose it is now.
But I want.
More.
- - - oOo - - -
After lunch I was on my front, head resting on my forearms. Dozing.
I could feel the sun on me.
It was lovely.
There's no denying it, lying in the sun almost naked is simply sexy. It was making me feel that way.
But I was going to burn.
And after all my fears and worries and embarrassment.
After all the times I'd been scared that he would be the one to make the first move.
He wasn't the one.
He didn't make that move.
I did.
Miss Shy Overweight Spotty Loser of March 1995 had, after just four months, turned into someone else entirely.
Miss Less-Shy Reasonably Shaped Clear-Skinned Desperate Bisexual Antelope of July 1995.
That's who I was now.
I just wanted to experience something new.
"Asaba-kun?"
"Hm?"
"I'm burning."
"Hm? What?"
I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was on his back beside me, arms behind his head.
"Rub some oil on me please?"
There was no jokey reaction. No games, no silly voices and messing about. No Casanova nonsense.
He sat up.
"Sure."
He got the bottle from the bag.
"Whereabouts?"
"Legs please. And back."
"Okay."
And that was all. He got to work.
He didn't speak. Nor did I. I just lay there and let the feelings and sensations and then later, the emotions, run through me. He was very gentle, starting on my feet (even doing the soles so they didn't burn) and moving up my calves and the backs of my knees to my thighs.
Straight away I guessed he'd done this before simply by the way he moved his hands. He wasn't silly about it or hesitant or teen-boyishly dorky. He just did it, carefully, smoothly, unhurriedly.
That was one of the things that made me think he'd done this to someone else. Lots of times. Because he wasn't nervous and didn't rush. He took it all slowly and surely.
By the time he was halfway up my thighs I was purring like a cat. Without wanting to pollute the moment with words I wanted to show him I was okay with this. So I parted my legs a little. Just my ankles apart another six inches or so.
As soon as I did that he stopped. Both his hands were on my legs most of the way up and he rested them there for about twenty seconds.
I have no idea if anything was showing or not, or where he was looking.
Then his hands moved on.
Upwards.
I'd told him, without saying anything, that I was enjoying it.
And without saying anything either he'd just told me he'd got my message.
He reached the tops of my legs.
And surprised me by smearing sun cream right up to the edge of my bikini bottoms.
As you know it was the yellow and black striped one he'd bought me.
And of course, being his choice it was tiny. There was a good deal of bottom on show beyond that silly triangle of material.
The way he touched me there, again without hurrying and without reducing the steady pressure told me a lot.
His hands went.
Close.
Very close.
Dipping in between.
Very, very close to me.
The centre of me.
My eyes were squeezed shut.
I wasn't just purring now.
I was a cat drowning in cream. And I'd lost a couple of lives already.
No one else had ever done this.
Only me.
And that doesn't count.
I was waiting for the fear and panic to kick in. The sensation of loathing and nausea that I get when I think of men.
Ever since The Incident I've feared men. That event corrupted my whole approach to them.
I was sure I'd start to panic and feel that awful burning churning sensation that tells you you're going to throw up.
But it never happened.
I don't know why.
His fingers moved away, came around to my hips and began to work up my sides.
Then a squirt of cream on my lower back, up my back.
"Oi! Rrrrrrr, cold!"
"Gomen."
That was all. He carried on.
My hips, my waist, the very base of my spine.
His fingers slid under the waistband of the briefs and I felt them just brush the shaped part of me where my bottom begins.
I was biting my knuckles now to keep quiet.
My God this was good. Far gooder that it deserved to be, than it ought to be. Too much goodness.
I had an image in my head of an antelope grazing in the long grass. And a little way off, downwind, a tiger stalking it.
Were we playing that game?
Was this the beginning of the kill?
Up my back he moved his warm firm hands where my body swelled out from my waist.
"Uh…"
"Yes?"
"If it's in the way… you can… uhm (I coughed) untie my top."
No reply.
Sakana, you're terrible. There's rude words to describe girls like you.
Then his fingers were there. Unknotting the knot. The one on the string that went behind me…
And then the knot at the nape of my neck, moving my hair aside.
He dropped the strings away.
I kept still.
More icy cold cream.
Another groaning shudder from me.
His hands came back on my upper back and shoulders.
So this is how it feels.
Being caressed.
Every nerve was tingling. I was on edge.
Then his hands…
…went down…
…and around…
…to the sides.
Oh my God…
My breaths must be audible now. I sounded like an old woman who'd smoked 40 a day all her life, wheezing and rasping.
Surely he could hear what he was doing to me?
Do you know what I wanted to do?
What I almost did do?
I wanted to raise myself up on my elbows a little.
So his hands could reach down. And under. And cup…
And God, and squeeze…
But with a great almost audible grunt of willpower I kept still and kept my chest flat on the ground.
His hands left my sides and he began to massage my shoulders.
"You're tense."
Was all he said.
I had to agree.
"Hm, your muscles are all messed up here."
Not just there my friend. The ones on the tips of my breasts are pretty tense right now too. And some others…
"May I? I need to do something with these knotted up shoulders of yours."
"Yes… just don't ask me to turn over."
"No. I can deal with it here. Unfold your arms. Lay them down by your sides."
I did so.
He got to work.
My God he was damn good at this too.
"Try and relax."
Urh, easy for you to say…
I began to un-tense and unfold. I could feel the muscles yielding, he knew what he was doing.
I let out a big sigh.
"Mmm, you're good. Who do you practice on?"
"I took a course. I didn't get this good just messing about."
"Mm, 's nice…"
I was unwinding, relaxing. Hm, I could go to sleep…
He patted my back.
"All done."
"Urgh… you stopped too soon. More. I want more."
"Don't be greedy! Some other time."
"Arigato, Asaba. That was so nice."
"My pleasure."
He sat next to me and oiled himself then lay back.
- - - oOo - - -
Leaving me lying there, hanging on the edge wanting more, wanting him to bloody well get his fingers back over here now and damn well finish what he'd started.
Even if my bikini top had been done up properly, no way could I have rolled over just then.
"WARNING: SLIPPERY WHEN WET" was the silly sign on the front of my bikini briefs. Now I knew what the joke meant.
For God's sake, Asaba, you can't do that to a girl and then just leave her... rrrrrrrrr...
Or was that your intention right from the start?
- - - oOo - - -
After a few minutes he turned onto his side and propped his head up on one elbow.
"I've worked it out."
I turned my head to face him, lay my cheek on the towel. My arms were still down by my sides.
I waited for him to explain and gave him an arched eyebrow to show I was listening.
"Why I like you."
Oh yes?
"It can't be my money."
"No."
"It can't be my outrageous 24/7 party antelope lifestyle."
"Your what?"
"Animal. Party animal lifestyle."
He frowned at me.
"No. Not that either, whatever kind of animal you are."
"I doubt it's my National League ten-pin bowling skills."
"That's your closest guess yet."
"It is?"
I had an impulse to lift myself up on my elbows and give him a stare but remembered just in time that due to the fact that my bikini top was no longer on me, but rather I was on it, that that might not be an altogether sensible move.
"You're different all the time."
"I am?"
"Hm, sometimes you're really jokey and can answer me back really fast. You're quick witted. I like that. Sometimes you just get stupidly, stupidly shy and go pink at the least provocation."
"I don't count being physically manhandled in a bowling alley a 'least provocation'."
"Ah, you see. That's my point. It is. It's nothing really but you get so worked up about it. I don't mind it at all. I think it's really cute. Actually I like that in you a lot. When your face goes pink you're really pretty."
My face went pink.
He smiled.
"There. Look at that. Beautiful."
"Stop it, I'll go even pinker."
"Mmm, wonderful. Please," he gestured in an off-hand way, "you carry on. I'll just pull up another bottle of iced tea and watch."
"Stop it. You're rotten to me sometimes."
"And then again, at other times you can be so quiet and serious. I like that too."
"You mean boring. I'm boring."
"No. The exact opposite. I mean you can be very sensible and hold up a conversation. Or at times just remain quiet. That's rare in a girl."
"Oh, right. You make us sound like a lower order of animals. Chattering monkeys or something."
"No, it's just that the girls I meet in places like this," he waved his hand, "and in clubs aren't into deep conversation. They want jokes and fun all the time."
"You meet lots of girls, hm?"
"It's like Arima. I like him for that reason too. He can be so quiet and serious. Some days at lunch we sit together on the school roof and don't say anything. We just sit and keep each other company. It's great like that. I feel no compulsion to talk for the sake of talking. Nor does he. You're like that. Then again, if I want to have a conversation like this with you, I can. I play the fool a lot of the time. That's the way I've become in reaction to my dad. Because he's got no sense of fun in him at all, I grew up being deliberately light hearted. I think it was a spite thing at first, to make fun of him or maybe to prove I was going to not be like that. You know?"
I did know. I exactly know-ed. I hmm-hmm'd an agreement.
"I can talk to Arima about my dad and he understands how he feels, because he's a quiet serious person too, he can see my dad's take on stuff, yeah?"
"Hm."
"So, I like that in a person. I like that in you, too."
Where are you going with this?
"And I like your shy side and your silly side and your humour. You feed me in different ways to how Arima does. Or Miyazawa. She's hardly ever serious. Or if she is, it's only with Arima, she never shows me a serious side. I think that might be because she thinks I'll get too close to her, the real, sensitive her."
"Asaba?"
"Hideaki. Onegai, it's Hideaki."
"That sounds funny. I think of you as Asaba. Or Asapin. Can I call you Asapin?"
"Sure. Miyazawa calls me all kinds of things."
"But you call her Miyazawa."
"Yes. Because of Arima. Out of respect for him. I show them both that I don't want to be too close, its how our three way relationship works."
"You call me by my given name."
"I do."
"You want to get close to me?"
He smiled a lovely gentle smile. And yet remained completely serious.
"Yes."
I wondered then, I seriously wondered. If I could love him.
"Are you using me?"
I didn't think he was the kind of boy to really get serious about me. I just didn't see his type going for my type. So I expected him to deny it. What he said shocked me.
"Don't we all do that? Don't we all, when it comes to the final reckoning use people for our own purposes? We fall in love because we don't want to be lonely. We choose friends because they give us something we want or need. It's like going to different stores to buy different goods. If I wanted a CD I wouldn't waste my time in a furniture store."
His honesty cut into me. So much, I was so surprised, that this time when the thought of rising up on my elbows came to me I didn't stop to consider what would happen. I lifted myself up and stared at him.
"Are you saying… I'm using you?"
"Of course. You want a CD Sakana. You want one badly. But you're in a furniture store. Please. I don't mean to cause offence. Please don't be cross with me. I'm not offended either, that you're doing this. We can talk can't we? You and I?"
"Yes."
He looked down at my breast, He stared carefully at it for a few seconds. Then he looked back at me and smiled kindly again.
"Lie down. There's a creepy guy watching you."
I lay down, looked around.
"Where?"
"Right here," his smile became a big grin.
"Arigato," I smiled.
"No problem."
"You're way too cute."
Asapin wasn't creepy. He'd stared at my bare body and yet I hadn't felt embarrassed under his gaze.
"How did you know?"
"Know what?"
"That… uh… that I want a CD and I'm in the wrong store?"
"Because I know you don't want to get close to me, and yet you are."
Oh thank God. Thank God for that. I thought he knew I was in love with Maho. I thought Yukino may have told him. So this was about him.
But even so, I was afraid. Too much, too soon.
I chose not to answer him.
"Gomen. I've offended you."
"No. It's just this is rather heavy stuff. Rather fast."
"I'll stop."
"No, please. I'm enjoying this. You're an interesting person to talk to. You don't offend me, but you're rather blunt."
"I think that might have come out of a reaction to my dad as well. He'd never say things to my face, but would insinuate stuff and slyly work around the subject, you know? I hate that. I'm more direct."
"I understand."
There was quiet for a while. It was a nice quiet, during it I felt no need to fill it with words. I looked at him. I didn't smile. He looked back and he didn't smile either.
Those thirty seconds were really nice. I understood what he meant when he said he could be like this with Arima. Wow, this was odd. Boy with boy, very close, a deep understanding. I wanted that, only girl with girl.
"I'm afraid today I can't tell you what I'm doing in this furniture store. And although I could ask for directions to a record shop, I don't want to leave. I know now exactly why I'm here. Only… please don't ask me."
All of a sudden a gentle wave of sadness came over me and my heart became heavy. I knew now what I was doing. I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I was pretty sure I would. Maybe not me but possibly Asapin, and possibly my future (if there was one) with Maho.
I loved her. I loved her so much.
But I was afraid. Loving a girl was hard for me to accept. I was fighting against convention. The little man wouldn't turn green for me but I still needed to cross the road.
So I was doing this. I was here, looking at furniture when I should run to the CD store.
I was with Asapin when I should go now, right now, and run into Maho's arms.
I had originally told myself that I'd come to Asapin to avoid the pain of wanting Maho and not having the guts to tell her. A distraction so I didn't have to face up to the fact I was a coward.
That wasn't the case though, was it? Was it Sakana?
You're here to prove a point to yourself. You're here to decide if you're a lesbian or not aren't you? This is what this is all about. You're here because you want to make love to him.
That's right, isn't it?
I wanted to make love to him.
But I didn't love him.
How is that possible? Making love without being in love is one of those broken word rules.
An oxymoron.
If I didn't love him, and I lay down with him it wouldn't be making love.
It would be having sex.
And when that thought bubbled up inside me I felt dirty.
And horrible and nauseous.
Having sex. It's just a revolting phrase and a revolting image.
Sweaty bodies, sticky fluids and no real passion, no caring, no sharing, no respect, no devotion, no. Love.
I was reminded of my brother…
- - - oOo - - -
I lay my head on the towel and closed my eyes.
Sadness.
"There is another reason I like you."
I kept my eyes shut.
"You're changing. You have the ability to change. You're changing yourself. By your own willpower you have changed, this semester from a not especially attractive person who was pathologically shy into someone who is quite simply beautiful. Not only physically – not only have you lost a lot of weight and got yourself into good condition with your swimming and running, and your skin is nicer. And your hair. But your mind has improved. I saw your end of term exam ranking. You must be proud of that.
"But as well as all that, you've come out of your shell. You talk to people, you laugh, you joke, you accept dates from notoriously creepy loose-moralled guys. I like you for that, for your strength. For your confidence. Sakana, please look at me."
With a big sigh I opened my eyes. I didn't want to because tears were welling up in them.
"Sakana, I like you a lot. An awful lot. I'd like to go out with you a lot more. Swimming, dancing, anything. Hell, I'll even do homework with you."
"Do you love me?"
Bang, there it was, out it came, big and fat and pregnant.
"I love lots of things about you. When you blush you're lovely…"
"That isn't what I asked."
"Gomen. It's the only answer I can give."
"You don't love me?"
"I have never loved any girl. Or boy for that matter."
"Never? You must have. Lots."
"No. Not one. I've liked hundreds. One or two I've liked very much. Almost as much as I like you. But I have never fallen in love. I will one day. I know I will. Out there, somewhere is a girl I will fall in love with, but I've never met her. She's very special. I have no idea what she's like but the day I see her I'll know."
A tear leaked out of me. Not because of the words he was saying (which were beautiful even though they hurt) but because he sounded so very sad. He was breaking my heart. So heaven knows how he was feeling.
"She's a lucky girl. Very lucky. But it's not me?"
"I'm sorry, no. Not you."
"Don't be upset. I don't love you either. You know, I'd like to, but I just can't. You're not quite who I'm looking for."
"That's good. I'm glad."
"Why?"
"Because I was worried that you were falling in love with me. And I couldn't return your love. And then we'd both get hurt."
"I like you a lot, Asapin. Lots and lots."
"I like you too Sakana."
"That's good then. Everybody's happy."
"I think so."
"Yes."
And I burst into tears.
"Hey, shush, what is it?"
"I… I want to… love you. But I can't. I'm just not able to…"
"Shush now, shush."
He leaned forward and put a hand on my shoulder. Human contact. God how much I needed it.
"You see. I love… someone else. But they don't love me. I don't think they can ever love me…"
I couldn't go on, my crying became worse.
He slid over beside me and lay against me, putting his arm across my shoulders. His face pressed into my hair.
"Shush, pretty lady, quiet now. I'm sure he'll love you. Given time. Just be nice to him, whoever he is."
And that only made it worse.
"Please, help me put my top on."
"Hm, sure."
He knotted my bikini back up.
I sat up.
"Gomen, gomen. I've done it again. Can we go home?"
"Of course."
- - - oOo - - -
6 - 7 June 2007
(1) For notes on Japanese words, please see my forum.
For author notes about Chapter Thirty Six, please see my forum (click on my pen name).